My retirement

I have called this press conference to announce my retirement from International and First class cricket.

I understand that I don't play International or First Class cricket and that this is not a real press conference.

Please hold all your questions till the end.

I realise that 28 is a very young age to announce my retirement, but I was prejudiced by the fact I have not yet played district cricket and therefore I see my promotion opportunities as slim to none.

Also I would like to spend more time with family and friends, but for the next little while I may be busy with hookers and cocaine.

My first class career, while non existent, was still very fulfilling, and I'm sure, had I played, I would come to love my team mates. Even Brad Hodge.

My international career was as illustrious as my first class career. Representing your country is an honour, and one that I will never cherish. Had I played I would like to think I could have convinced Ponting, through gentle jibes, that there is no need for artificial turf on top.

I will not regale you with my career highlights, as you know them all, but I would like to thank my sponsors, the pizza bar, cinema nova and blogger for their continued support over the years.

I’d also like to thank my wife, my mistress, her mistress, my children and the child I thought was mine but happened to be Michael Slaters, for the love they have given me.

I know some of you are sad, but you should know I am going out on top, and I know that it’s time to move into the next phase of my life, filming home $ex videos and going to jail for payroll fraud.

When thinking of retirement I was reminded of a conversation I had with Allan Border 7 years ago. He said "How ya going" and from that I sensed that one day I wouldn’t be going well and would know it was time to leave the international arena.

I will continue to play cricket for the Whoseaboutits indoor cricket team, for as long as I can catch public transport to the indoor centre.

I hope you will give me personal space during this transitional period.

Thank you, oh and by the way, I see the sports media as the boil on the @ss of humanity.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"