apology

CWB is currently having server problems, but everything will be fixed soon.

I promise.

So to tide you over here is three google references.

is jaques kallis gay

jacques kallis fat

kallis (hair)

I'd like to think they were all from the same person.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Tales from the other side - IPL

<p class="MsoNormal">I didn't play in the IPL. I didn't even end up putting my hand up for it or getting the chance to say that I had turned it down.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Actually, that isn't completely true - my manager spoke to someone here who spoke for people over there, and the offers that would be made were shithouse. Shaun Marsh sort of money. To get me to India I needed David Hussey money.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">A lot of my mates played over there, and even more mates were non playing staff. The general thoughts were pretty simple. India is nuts. That and Pakistani cricketers are the laziest, most selfish dickheads ever. From what I heard they don't train hard, when they train at all. In team meetings they give no information or input, and they refuse to do anything that isn't in their best interest.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The Australian coaches couldn't stand their attitudes, and perhaps that's why some of them played less games than people thought they should have. One mate said that when his Pakistani player was asked to go up the order and open, his response was "I don't open". When it was explained to him that neither did anyone else, but he was the best choice, he responded, "no one has ever made me open", so one more crack was had at him explaining that his place in the side was depended on opening, and he said "I will not make runs if you open me". He didn’t either.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">On that note, good luck to South Australia who just gave Younis Khan a contract for half the year. He should be able to teach their young team a lot about cricket.
www.cricketwithballs.com

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Joe Average, the philosopher

Bryce McGain is a thinker.

I don’t say that just because he wears glasses.

He has theories on things, and they don’t come straight from the cliché mill.

My favourite was about bowling.

He was talking about if he plays in India they will try and destroy him.

The really interesting stuff though was about his theory on bowling.

In his mind once the ball leaves your hand that’s it.

You can’t control what happens next.

You plan and then try and execute a ball to get the batsman out, but once the ball leaves your hand the batsman is in control.

Especially as a spinner you can land the perfect ball and the batsman can put it in the stand.

I think too many bowlers especially young bowlers, worry more about what the batsman will do than actually what they are doing.

Your job is to get the ball in the right position and then hope it’s good enough to make the batsman make an error.

You really can’t do any better than bowling a good ball, whether it gets hit for six, or gets a wicket is beyond your control once it leaves your hand.

It’s a different way of looking at bowling.

Other bowlers may think the same way, but I’ve never heard anyone explain it like this.

At the end he said no matter how far they hit me for six it wont change the fact that I know I can bowl.

He doesn’t just wear the glasses just for the ladies, I think he reads books and stuff.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Watson V Marsh (round three)

Shane Watson was in no mood for beer and cup cakes.

He was angry.

After knocking out SOS Marsh within seconds, he spent the rest of the round punching Marsh's twitching body on the canvas.

It was cruel and unusual punishment, reminiscent of Patterson's beating by Ali.

Shane Warne sat ring side nodding his head.

SOS Marsh still leads 2-1, but the rooster combs are come home to roost y'all.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Don’t bullshit a bullshitter

I know I’m like a dog with a boner about this, but I just want to walk the walk one more time.

According to the free world's greatest leader, Cameron White has been picked in the Australian side as a spinner.

And yet he was clearly the replacement for Andrew Symonds, who while being an all rounder, plays as a batsman.

When Symonds was fit, White was dropped.

So that leads me to believe that White played as a batsman, who bowls a bit.

So Ricky, stop treating us like fucken idiots.

We may not be the intellectual powerhouse that you clearly are, but we know a little about cricket.

We know that if a dude bats at 6, and replaces a dude who bats at 5, he is playing as a batsman.

He hasn’t been picked as the spinner, because he wasn't even freakin bowled.

Roll credits.

We understand that you want White to be a proper spinner, because he can clearly bat at the level required.

But calling your girlfriend Pamela Anderson won’t give her bigger titties.www.cricketwithballs.com

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platforms are for trains

The Windies tried something different for this match.

Sensible batting.

They laid foundations.

Built partnerships.

And they had Australia thinking.

Australia didn’t flinch though, and the Windies seemed to get a bit bored.

Even Lord Megachief of Gold Chandrepaul tried something different, losing his wicket.

Eventually they missed the calamity in which they usually bat with.

Marshall, Sarwan and Fletcher played shots that were all guaranteed to bring back the pain.

And they did.

The steady platform was nice, but the typical collapse was much more fun.

The greatest leader in the free world didn’t really have to do much.

Hopes lost the plot a bit, and his usual looks of befuddlement and general happiness were replaced by real anger.

The cause was he kept bowling crap balls that Gayle dispatched.

Watching Hopes get angry is like watching a cute kid get angry, it makes you smile.

Brett Lee took his 300th one day wicket, twice, first one was a no ball, but he and Ronchi still had time for a loving embrace.

Apparently Lee was the quickest man to this milestone, beating the great Waqar Younis, although according to record books Younis was 12 when he did it, so that is impressive.

Lee’s best work though was with his foot, a run out with a kick that looked so easy you wonder why he’d ever use his hands.

That pretty much summed up the Windies day, not really.

Their platform was useful in getting them to a monstrous score of 220 odd.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Ricky does not live in a cave

Michael Clarke has declared Ricky Ponting as “the greatest leader in the world”.

Wow.

Better than George Bush?

Better than Robert Mugabe?

Better than Kim Jong Il?

Probably.

But better than Osama Bin Laden.

I don’t think so.

Osama has achieved far more than Ricky Ponting, and he’s done it backwards, wearing high heels and in a cave.

Ponting has won 2 world cups, and has maintained Australia’s test superiority.

Osama had a few angry mother fuckers and took down America.

No contest.

Osama, who is a very handy left arm orthodox bowler, is the better leader.

He also has some interesting views on cricket.

He really likes the Pakistani team, but hates Matthew Hayden.

He believes that technology is overused in the modern game.

Zimbabwe should be reinstated to full status.

The IPL will be good for cricket in the long run, but he doesn’t like the way the Imperialist pigs are running it.

Darrel Hair is an infidel, but not a bad umpire.

He likes Peter Roebuck’s views on the game, and the way he mentors youngsters.

Is a big Hashim Amla Fan, and thinks Dean Jones is a fucktard.

Thinks the three appeal system is pathetic, and is thinking of offing a few cricket administracrats because of it.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Match report from the Stolberg beer café

<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The game was only put on when two very angry men demanded that the cricket be shown, no I wasn’t one of them.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">For some reason Australian’s had to wait 3 and half hours on a delay to watch the Kiwis and the Poms.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">But it looked live, so we watched it anyway.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Early on there was a bit of honky tonk in the pitch.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">From what I could see Tim Ambrose missed all those lessons about soft hands.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">My mate Doyle tried to convince me that test cricket has no depth, and I tried to convince him that England pick their players based on how many women wanna shag em.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Jamie How seemed to go out, not sure I saw it, a 50 year old woman fell off a bar stool at the same time. Her husband took her home, then he came back and continued drinking.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Ross Taylor went out as well, didn’t see that either, girl in a short black dress.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">We had a brief “how good is Prince Brendan” chat before we realised he was 20 off 200 balls.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Then we discussed, vivaciously, who the ugliest cricketer of all time was.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Scott Styris was batting well.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Then a brawl started, in the same bar my dad told me was the best bar in the northern suburbs. At that stage we were glad we didn’t go to the worst.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">It was between a larger man (6’2 115 kilos and a tigers fan) and a skinny little runt.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Conveniently they went out side and fought right in front of our window.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The little runt got in a few quick blows, before the big fellow landed three huge hits to his head.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Then the big guy fell over and the little bloke kicked him in the head repeatedly before the big guy got up ripped off the little guys t shirt.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The fight ended just as both of them stumbled onto Bell St.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The big guy looked a little ruffled.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The little guy was bleeding from the temple and had to shirt.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The big guy was let back in the bar, the two security guards liked old and small and probably thought he could take them down.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The little guy wasn’t allowed in and seemed to stay around for a little while pointing at the big guy through the window, and Doyle stared at him enough that he then threatened Doyle.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">At one stage Doyle suggested we go speak to two girls who were with the group because the guys were too busy with other things. I said he should, and I’d jump in if a guy glassed him.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">While that fight died down I did a re-enactment of Daniel Flynn losing a tooth.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The bar was due to close in an hour so we moved onto bourbons.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Then one of the little guy’s friends decided to start the big fella again, this time in the bar and they started to fight.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">At this time I really needed a piss but how do you say, hey angry mob, please move so I can go to the loo.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">So I waited.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">This fight was shorter and was more pushy, although little guy’s friend got in one or two jumper punches.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">What I really liked was even thought there was a fight in the bar, and one out the front of the bar, the group was never asked to leave, even the big fella who was in both fights.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">We decided after the second fight to find another pub.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">We ended up at the Olympic, a pokies joint where no one was fighting.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">We sat in the middle of the room as elderly people emptied their life savings and we talked about the Kelly gang machine.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The barman was a nice chap and he suggested that if we wanted to keep drinking Doyle shouldn’t come to the bar.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I turned around to see Doyle trying to make the keno box dance.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">We got warned a few times for being loud and at about 330 Doyle started to pass out.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He fell asleep in the taxi, and since he was going to the country I think there was a chance that the taxi driver may have just dumped him on the side of the road and taken his wallet.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Fair enough really.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">And New Zealand won.

www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

In bed with Monty

You're walking through the supermarket.

Picking up your loaf of white bread a dark figure bumps into you.

He knocks your basket to the ground and quickly picks it up for you.

You can't help but look in his basket.

He has all sort's of foods in there, foods you can't believe, foods you have never dared to try.

He's different.

He's not like anyone you've dated before.

He is exotic, mysterious, and in your mind capable of taking you to places you've never been to.

But you have a boyfriend, and although he is no Mr Excitement and has no mystery or exoticness at all, but he has given you support and helped you in times of need.

You flirt with Monty and even take his number, but you leave him at the supermarket and go home and have safe and boring sex with your boyfriend, if he's not too tired.

Monty is never far from your thoughts, and one day, when your boyfriend tells the same boring story it just clicks, he is never going to change.

You need excitement, You need mystery, You need Monty.

Monty comes over, he is punctual, polite and pleasant. Not the most brilliant conversationalist, but that’s not why he’s there.

You egg him on, you talk him up, you stroke his ego so much he performs exactly as you believe he would.

He performs to his maximum, but alot of that is all the ego stroking you provide.

The sex is better than you have had in a long time, and right in that moment it is bliss. He puts it in the right areas and in your mind it is the best sex you've had, even better than those few times with the drunken poet ten years ago.

In bed Monty is a considerate lover, although not always brilliant with his hands.

He looks after your needs, he is patient, and on his day he can be quite exceptional.

The problem is that he’s extremely noisy all the time, so much so that you find it hard to tell when he’s reached his goal and when he’s just making noise. And when he does get there, he celebrates like no man you’ve ever known.

Slowly the novelty of his exotic nature starts to wear off, and you realised he is just another boring boy friend.

Sure he was caring, and your mum liked him, but he didn't light your fire.

You are in a rut, you have no reason to leave him, but he just isn't the man you thought he was.

You think rationally about the situation, he does the job I require, and he is a nice guy, I really should be happy to have found him.

Then one day you meet a really exotic young chap from Yorkshire and…www.cricketwithballs.com

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KP’s first team meeting

KP: Hello Everyone, what’s my name?

Everyone: KP.

KP: Good, ok team tactics, play like me, at all times, I want you to look good, be confident, groom yourself well, and have an uptight swagger.

Everyone: Ok.

KP: What’s my name?

Everyone: KP.

KP: Nice, Ryan, you’ll need a hair cut if you want to bowl.

Jimmy, ever thought of an accent.

Cooky, go easy on the eye make up, don’t wanna upstage me now.

Belly, keep playing as usual, no threat there.

Ravi and Owais due to my quota system you have missed out and two South African Englishman will be brought in.

Luke, I want you to bat stoically, really knuckle in, no big shots.

Swanny, your playing as a batsman, I’ll take your overs.

Broady, you’ll bat at 3.

And Timmy, your doing super.

In the field I want you to be alert, but not alarmed, if the ball is not in play, I want your eyes on me.

When I do something good, I want a minimum of 3 players to come over and pat my back.

Also if grass or dirt get on my clothes I want someone to subtley brush it off in the form of a back slap.

Instead of saying come on chaps, or let’s go England, I wanna hear come on KP’s men.

The game will go like this, I will win the toss, and we will bat, you will let me come in at the 11 over mark.

I will do my thing, and we will make between 380 and 400. I will do a quick press conference about being the first batsman to make a one day double tonne.

During the break Wrighty and Broady you will peel grapes and wash me.

Thoroughly.

In the field I will bowl the over after each wicket.

So if Ryan takes a wicket first over, I will bowl the second, excellent.

After our victory I will give a few more press conferences and talk about how much it means for me to play with South, England.

Good, ok, now I have organised a team bonding session at a day spa, they will be doing hair, nails, and skin care.

Remember boys, this is your nation your playing for, but today I want you to play for something way more important, me.

What’s my name?

Everyone: KP.

KP: Damn skippy.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Blogs take over facebook

While other blogs go on about weird and wacky facebook groups devoted to players, I just bring you the best blogging action on facebook.

Everyone's favourite English cup cake AYALAC is on facebook, and being the chatty cathy he is, he would like everyone to join up and message him with recipes, tid bits and all sorts of information.

He does love interaction with his fans.

King Cricket maybe be a technological behemoths, but they were too proud to make their own fan site, and let the blogging moles take care of that for them.

They really wants to set up weekly King Cricket parties at their houses, so go to their facebook page to get the time and address details.

Well Pitched maybe be the best Pakistani cricket blog ever, but they are also the kings of the facebook fan page.

Their page was clearly only put up to get the ladies, so sign up and they will send you the address to send your underwear.

I set up my own fan page, because I believe your biggest fan should set it up.

Don't contact me though, I will feel uncomfortable, contact AYALAC, he is much more comfortable with that sort of attention.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

attack of the pygmies

I find it rather sad that the Windies have one tall bowler and he is a slightly odd left arm orthodox bowler.

I like Sulieman Benn, I think, but it’s a shame all their new fast bowlers are pygmies.

Edwards is my favourite of the Windie’s bowlers at the moment, mostly cause he has crazy eyes.

Years ago I was a big fan of a South Australian bowler named Mark Harrity, most of this was due to his crazy eyes.

Edwards may be a tiny fella, but he sure is fast.

Jerome Taylor looks like their future, but he is not much larger than Edwards.

Powell rounds out the fast threesome, and he is also a man of normal stature, but small compared with the West Indian mould of quicks.

Bravo is their next quickest bowler, and he is also a shorty shortster.

Short fast bowlers are nice, but everything in moderation.

And Variety is the spice of life.

We need to think outside the square, but inside the oblong.

What happened to the tall fast bowlers that tormented batsmen from around the world?

Don’t give me that basketball nonsense.

The Caribbean is not the only cricket nation to have ballers in the NBA, and as if anyone would really want to be Patrick Ewing.

Australia has had quite a few NBA players, New Zealand one or two(Kirk something), and England had that big gay chap that Oprah likes.

Then again, as a pink commie lefty I should blame America for everything, so why not.

Now that we have found the cause, how do we fix it.

We ban the NBA from being shown in the Caribbean and we bring in a quota for at least 2 players per squad must be tall real fast bowlers.

Look how well quotas have worked in South Africa.

It simply has to be done.

White tall fast bowlers are, with the exception of Harmy, quite boring.

Black tall fast bowlers are so much cooler in comparison.

So let’s quota them back into existence.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Thw Windie innings

I taped the innings to watch it in its entirety, you know journalistic integrity and all that.

After 5 overs I had abandoned that idea and turned on the replay.

Even that was painful.

Shiv decided to play for day 2, and every other West Indian batsman decided that 40 overs is a bloody long time.

Cameron White played this game as a batsman, Ponting came out and said he will play the next game as a wicket keeper and the one after that as a 17th century poet.

How a team can make 213 and win with a leg in the air whilst smoking a pony is beyond me.

I am so glad I didn't stay up to watch this.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Bear is fertile

Australia tried an innovative new method in today’s one dayer.

A pregnant pause.

It lasted about 15 overs.

And involved King Probot Mike Hussey and Michael Clarke playing out maidens, and occasionally taking singles to mix it up a bit.

The commentators put it down to the uneven surface, and tennis ball bounce.

I assumed it was some agenda to keep Cameron White from the crease.

They both made half centuries by scoring off every second ball they faced.

Finally when Cam was allowed to come in, the big bear made 40 off 39 as if to say, ha ha, this isn’t so hard, it just took a Victorian to do it. You stupid stupid people, I have been sitting there all along, gathering dust, I am the answer to every question. My name is Cam, and I am the man. Bow down peasants, because the chickens is coming home to roost y’all, and you will know my name is the lord when I miss hit to cover before you.

He said all this by tugging at his shirt around his shoulder, repeatedly.

Trademark move by C White.

White didn’t even feel the need to middle a ball during his innings.

Hopes joined in on the fun, but decided to continue with Whites policy of not middling the ball.

Australia ended up with 213.

This sounds bad, but the pitch, while not being anywhere near as unstable as commentators tried to make it sound, is not the easiest to make runs on.

If the Windies make this score they will have played well.

I will be in bed.

Cameron White has given Victoria the best innings of the day, and that is where I would like to leave it.www.cricketwithballs.com

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The Twenty20 cup's form players

[b]With the Twenty20 cup reaching the end of the qualification stage, it is time to evaluate who has made an impact so far in this year’s tournament.[/b]

The stakes are high in this year’s Twenty20 cup and numerous English players have risen to the occasion. With the big-money carrots of IPL contracts and a place in the England squad in their minds, domestic players have produced some notable performances that will make the franchises and national selectors sit up and take notice.

The Indian Premier League was not dominated by the superstar overseas players as was expected, with lesser known names like Shaun Marsh and Sohail Tanvir lighting up the event. We have seen overseas players have an impact this summer, but this has mainly been with the ball.

Eight of the tournament’s top 10 runscorers are English, which might make some of the national team’s batsmen a little wary ahead of November’s Stanford bonanza in the Caribbean.

Graham Napier is bottom of that list but his record-breaking innings of 152 not out against Sussex has surely put him in the Twenty20 international limelight. Few players are capable of such rope-clearing and his nippy opening bowling that has brought him nine wickets is more than just a bonus.

Six-hitting is the IPL currency and Napier might expect a phone call when the new contracts are handed out. Twenty20 batting is not just about producing the big shots and two of the event’s most consistent performers are proof that a classical technique can prosper in the shortened format.

England Lions Joe Denly and Michael Carberry are already in the selectors’ thoughts and with four half centuries apiece they are clearly capable of combining quick-scoring and innings-building.

Mal Loye and Anthony McGrath have been the northern division’s top runscorers but are unlikely to resume their England careers, although 28 year old Michael Lumb and Rob White are at their peak and would represent an endorsement of county form if they boarded the plane for the West Indies.

Phil Mustard and James Foster have been the premier wicket keepers on show and will be watching Tim Ambrose’s continued batting troubles for England with interest.

The bowling stars have generally been experienced overseas campaigners. Andrew Hall and Tyron Henderson (first and third in the worldwide Twenty20 wicket-taking charts) lead a Kolpak contingent that is broken up by Simon Marshall, James Tredwell and Rich Pyrah.

All three are capable top order batsmen who can operate in the top six and each would bring something different to the England set-up. Leg spinner Marshall has been overlooked in most quarters in favour of Roses rival Adil Rashid, despite offering a similar all-round package.

Tredwell, who has an economy rate of 6.03 in the tournament so far, is an off-spinner who is unafraid to flight the ball even in the face of a Twenty20 onslaught and was a key component of Kent’s trophy winning outfit last term. Pyrah generally operates in the middle overs and 14 wickets in eight matches is a good return for a seam bowler who does not rely on express pace.

The lack of English death bowlers is a concern and few have staked acclaim for this role domestically.

England appear to be grooming the inexperienced Luke Wright for the role and the best display I have seen in this year’s tournament has been by Tim Bresnan, who bowled nearly a full set of final over yorkers in a tense battle with Lancashire, which is a good indicator of his ability to handle the pressure of the win or bust Stanford match.

Hong Kong bombs out, graciously

Sadly for the Kongers, heavy losses to Pakistan and India wasn't enough for them to make the final super 4 of the Asia cup.

Surprisingly India, Pakistan, Sri Lanka and Bangladesh made it instead.

The Kongers were dejected, but that’s cricket.

They will have taken a lot of heart from this experience.

No one expected them to do any good, and they lived up to that.

I am not sure if they get to play United Arab Emirates for bragging rights as Asia’s 5th best team or not.

But if they don’t, I am ready to say they are the 5th best team regardless.

Well played chaps.

Well played.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Watson V Marsh (second round)

Watson KO first round.

Twas like one of those stupid fight scenes from Million Dollar baby, where the old trailer trash bird would run out of the corner and knock out her opponent and run back in 7 seconds.

Although Shaun Marsh is probably hotter than Hilary Swank, so maybe that's not fair.

Shaun was lucky he got such a quick knock out, cause he clearly wasn't in for a long fight either.

Shaun leads 2 zip.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Alan Jones, tickets please

Alan Jones has come to the rescue of CWB’s favourite grumpy old man Neil Harvey.

He has gone deep into his wallet and purchased tickets for Harvey, Arthur Morris, Alan Davidson and Ken Archer to attend Alec Bedser’s 90th birthday spectacular.

Alan Jones loves helping out cricket identities.

Only days ago he gave a truly inspirational Eulogy about Jane McGrath and her love of fashion.

When Damien Martyn wanted to hide from the press Alan held his hand.

And when Brett Lee got married, he could think of no other place than Mr Jones house to get married in, it was immaculately decorated.

With all that in mind it occurred to me that I am a cricket identity, of sorts.

Sure I am less grumpy than Neil Harvey, but I can get pretty grumpy.

I may not have set up my own charity like Jane, but I knew someone with cancer once.

I may not have the natural talent of Damien Marytn, but I was a better travel agent than him.

And I have 9 times the musical talent of Brett Lee, even though I can’t play an instrument.

Plus I have this blog, people read it, and it’s all about cricket.

So that must make me an Australian Cricket personality, which is like being a player, except with less talent.

If anyone knows about wanting to be a sportsman, but not quite making it and therefore latching on in any way he can, it’s Alan Jones.

No one has done a better job of infiltrating Australian sport at all levels.

With that in mind Alan, I come to you hat in hand, my tickets to the England are expensive, and your kind nature towards my kind could extend to you purchasing the tickets for me.

I am willing to travel on any Airline except Korean Air, and Aeroflot.

Economy is not a problem, as unlike the other 4 guys, I have my own hips and knees.

Accommodation is not a problem, but if you could spring for excess baggage and a new lap top (mac) would be appreciated.

You’re a champ son.

A racist hate filled bigoted closeted hatemongering champ.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Tales from the other side - colly

<p class="MsoNormal">Hi balls fans
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I am Cricket with balls newest contributor.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I have been reading the balls for a while and I thought it was time I started contributing.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Why?
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Because I am a current player who would like to dish out some home truths.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I am sick and tired of reading player blogs, columns and books when you know the closest that fuckwit got to writing was signing the deposit slip.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Right at the moment I am not in the Australian set up.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Don’t try and work out who I am or anything, cause once you work that shit out they aint gonna let me write no more.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Jrod has kindly given me free reign, and is not editing me in any way.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">So let me start with a fucken obvious one, Paul Collingwood.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Colly is a fucken pansy.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He wants his team to get tough, he wants em to play hard, and then when push comes to shove he worries about what mothers from Essex will say.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Fancy apologising for playing fucken cricket.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He should have said, well if Elliot could run on the right side of the fucken wicket this wouldn’t be an issue.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Did he break the rules, no.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">End of story.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Punter may be a bit of a cock, but at least you know he’ll play cricket to win, and not for the benefit of newspapers.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Colly is an alright guy, not much of a batsman, but a good drinker for a little fella.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">But he has to toughen the fuck up.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Next time he is in the same position he should front up to the press conference and say, “My job is to win cricket games, not be a role model”.
www.cricketwithballs.com

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Things that chicks will think are sweet about Joe Average

He took his mum to the AB medal, and gets a little embarrassed saying so. I resisted the urge to ask if he got lucky that night.

He apologises for leaving after a mere two and a bit hours to pick up his son.

He bought me lunch.

He says lots of nice things about his mum.

He always stop when I unintentionally finish his sentences for him.

He appears to have a full head of real hair.

He doesn’t seem to mind that occasionally I ask a question that is really not a question.

He eats a vegetarian meal, although, he doesn’t finish his salad.

He seems to accept the fact that I have no idea what I am doing.

He really appreciates how lucky he is, he even likes to train.

He doesn't ask the waitress to pour him some water he does it himself.

He seems to be able to string two and three sentences together at once, quite an achievement for a cricketer.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Best County Blog Ever

While searching the internet for lubed up naked Yorkshiremen I found this site.

Len the Yorkshire Kit men.

I think we all agree that if it wasn't for Yorkshire the rest of us would have kicked England out of international cricket years ago.

My favourite was his top ten list of why Allen Stanford hates test cricket.

Including number 7, Proposed ‘World Series of Test Cricket’ not restricted to American teams.

So pop over and say hello.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Hong Kong go down to India in thriller.

The might Kongers took it up to the Indians.

They didn’t let any of the Indian top 3 make hundreds.

Gotham city Gambhir, Mr Sehwagolgy and Little Sharma all failed.

Miserably.

Unfortunately Hong Kongs good start could be maintained and Ms Dhoni and Raina got away marginally.

But you still felt the Kongers had it in them to put a win on the board.

However, Cricket, she a cruel mistress, and the Kongers struggled to put any worthwhile partnerships on the board.

They were still in the game until the 37th over, and then they had no chance.

Their left arm slow department of Amar and Amhed were yet again almost unplayable, but the new ball team probably left a little to be desired.

I’m not sure who Hong Kong’s next game is against, but one thing is for sure, these boys will fight back hard.

They have the spirit of Hong Kong in their hearts and they can come back.

Go team.www.cricketwithballs.com

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A special google entry today

Here at cricket with balls we pride ourselves on telling you what people type into google to find this site.

Today is a special one.

lady fucking with cricket ball
Now think about it.

She isn't fucking it.

She is fucking with it.

Some sort of feminine mind games.

Trying to make the cricket ball doubts it self.

Making sure the cricket ball is not the cricket ball it used to be.

Telling the cricket ball she loves it, and then seeing other balls, possibly bigger ones like Basket balls, behind her cricket balls back.

Suggesting that other falls swinger further, and have superior seams.

Shining both sides, when the cricket ball clearly only asked for the one with the logo to be shined.

Those ladies, never leaving the cricket balls alone.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Australia 1 Spirit of cricket 0

With Paul Collingwood having nails inserted through his hands, today is the perfect day to talk about Australia going back to number one on the one day charts.

The fact that they went past South Africa is even more perfect.

Why?

Here are two teams that would not hesitate to run out a batsman who had been knocked to the ground.

The great Brendon Julian did so in the Caribbean, knocking little battler Sherwin Campbell to the ground in what appeared to be a pre mediated hit, and then Australia ran him out.

South Africa would not hesitate to knock someone over and run them out, they probably just haven’t thought of it yet.

We now know England can join that list, whether that improves their one day prowess is yet to be seen.

The fact he apologised and was guilty about it says they probably won’t do it again, remember there is nothing more important to a cricketer than public opinion (IE: what his sponsors will think).

New Zealand getting upset is a bit much. Stephen Fleming used his go slow tactics to edge Australia out of a one day tournament, and McCullum doesn't mind running out a batsman who is celebrating their team mates mile stones.

Even the great West Indies once ran out the legendary Dean Jones when he was bowled off a no ball and he started walking off, with Dujon telling Jones afterwards, yeah we knew it was against the rules.

Then again, knowing Deano, he probably deserved it.

India recently sent out a batsman with two right hand gloves, that was suspiciously close to the end of play, that suspiciously looked like time wasting. And have had more infringements than any other team in the last 10 years.

Pakistani players got away with more ball tampering than anyone other than Michael Atherton, or a man with crabs.

Sri Lanka allowed their captain to cheat every third time he batted for years, calling for a runner because of how fat he was.

This is the spirit of cricket.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Collingwood does his name proud

I haven’t seen Sidebottom’s hip and shoulder yet.

I haven’t seen Collingwood’s pregnant pause.

And I haven’t seen Vettori’s refusal to shake hands.

But I wanna.

A lot.

I wanna see it all.

Collingwood clearly needs to be castrated, nothing to do with the bump, but for his slow over rate.

But everyone wants to castrate him for not calling back Elliott.

A very Australian decision.

Let’s look at the key players here though, Sidebottom, big rear end, hard to get around.

Elliot, South African mercenary, probably deserves the odd hip and shoulder.

Ian Bell, ranga, does what any fielder would do, he throws the ball to KP, another Saffer mercenary, Elliot run out.

Umpire Mark Benson sensing that if England had their time again they may withdraw the appeal, seeks out chief ranga Collingwood.

Collingwood says no deal.

And newspapers pretty much start writing themselves.

Vettori gets in a pinch, because we all know New Zealand would never do something this low. Just ask Murali.

Now let’s look at this rationally, calmly and without bias.

Elliot is a mercenary, from South Africa, and therefore deserves everything he gets.

If New Zealand are willing to play a South African mercenary, and therefore sully there resplendent black uniform, then they deserve rough treatment from opposition captains.

And don’t give me that, “but England play Saffers all the time” line, because England play anybody and look where that gets them.

Collingwood is guilty of the same crime that Ponting is always guilty of and Ganguly proved he still had in him during the IPL.

The spirit of cricket goes into the crapper when a game of Cricket is up for grabs.

Boo hoo.

Perhaps when this was an Amateur sport played by rich wankers they could afford to make decisions like, oh no chap, it was a mistake on Ryan’s behalf, you trot back down to the other end.

Cricket is a professional sport now, Collingwood’s balls are on the line, and in a long split second judgement, he chose the money over the girl.

Some would say Karma came back to bit him on the ass.

A few will say good on him for having some balls.

Others will say the right outcome was achieved.

Some people will talk about the rising gap between the rich and the poor.

Guess what, none of these discussions will change what happened.

What is Collingwood’s job as English captain?

To win games.

Or

To protect the spirit of cricket.

You can’t serve two masters.

Apparently Collingwood has already apologised and said he was wrong.

Had England won I am sure this would have warmed the hearts of all Kiwis.

I'm sure some people will be asking for Collingwood to hand his letters and medals back.

Cricket, I love her when she’s angry.www.cricketwithballs.com

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England - NZ 4th ODI: Phew, what a scorcher*

*Alternative title: Justice rolls on like a river.

Jrod went to bed after Prince McCullum holed out, but sometimes, to take his analogy and pervert it for my own ends, still waters run deep, and the less glamorous friend of the person you thought you fancied turns out to be the one who'll come through for you.

I was at the Oval for this match, resplendent in my cricketwithballs tshirt, and it was a proper dramatic, twisty-turny game, which didn't come down to the last ball; it came down to the overthrows after the last ball.

England: despite a few batsmen getting starts, they didn't manage any kind of acceleration and were bowled out within the 50 overs. KP got 0, immediately after Botham said that the pitch was ideal for him.

New Zealand, as you know, lost McCullum very early. Styris and Oram built things up again, and NZ were ticking along very nicely indeed, until losing Oram (who struggled with the short stuff throughout), Styris and Vettori in fairly quick succession.

England used so many bowlers that the woefully-inadequate-in-every-way scoreboard didn't have space for them all.

Then The Controversial Event occurred.

Ryan Sidebottom was bowling to Elliot, who hit the ball very near to his own feet. The batsmen ran, Elliot charging for the other end at the same time as Sidebottom charged in the direction of the ball, and the two collided and ended up on the ground. As Elliot got up and half-ran half-limped to the other end, Ian Bell effected the run out.

Mark Benson gave Collingwood the option to withdraw his appeal for a run out, while Elliot received treatment on the pitch. As I inwardly screamed "dead ball! dead ball!", and the NZ dressing room outwardly screamed some rather colourful stuff, Collingwood presumably declined.

Elliot started to walk off, shaking his head and giving the England team a death-stare, the scoreboard hadn't even changed, but then the music started and everybody knows that the music is definitive, so we knew he was out.

By the time the 9th wicket (Southee) fell, NZ still needed 12 runs to win. There was plenty of time, but there was only 1 wicket left.

9 deliveries went past without a run, including two Collingwood balls that missed Mills' stumps by the thickness of a layer of lipstick. Next ball, though, Mills shows that what runs in his veins is pure, pure ice, by smashing an enormous six.

Final over: it's given to Luke Wright. 3 needed, Mills keeps strike.

1. Single! 2 needed, but Gillespie is on strike.
2. Dot.
3. Dot.
4. Dot
5. Almost a run out when GIllespie manages to get the ball away, but hits it straight at Mills, and both batsmen have to turn back to their ends. Dot.
6. Gillespie hits one! A safe single, Swann picks up the ball and throws it to the stumps, and to where four fielders were converging, but no-one is backing up! Overthrow!

The camera cuts to the New Zealand balcony, where Vettori (more fired up than I can ever remember seeing him, ever) screams "Run! Run! Run! Run!" to his batsmen while McCullum leaps around beside him. Mills realises what is happening and runs the final run, bringing the Kiwis home. Vettori then screams something I daren't try to lipread, while pointing to his right.

Luke Wright's head is in his hands after an excellent last over.

Collingwood is then snubbed - snubbed! - at the door of the Kiwi dressing room.

Later, Collingwood accepts that he may have been wrong about the Elliot run-out. Vettori apologises on his part, and (choosing his words carefully) says that now that Collingwood has admitted he's wrong they can move on, and he hopes that the next game can be played in the right spirit. Ouchie.

The final of this series, which will decide whether NZ can take away a series win or not, is on Saturday. This will be the 19th out of 19 consecutive fixtures between England and New Zealand and I thought I'd be sick to death of the sight of the Kiwis by the end, but I'm absolutely champing at the bit for the next match now. www.cricketwithballs.com

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The problem with Prince Brendan

I love McCullum.

Not in a metrosexual “I wanna have his tattoos” kinda way.

Or in an “I wonder what his semen tastes like” kinda way.

But as a batsman, an entertainer and an artist, I love him.

I think I said “Watching him is like watching two people have sex in a car crash, there are so many ways it can go wrong, but somehow everyone walks away fine, and you can’t believe what you’ve seen.”

But the problem with my McCullum love, is that when he goes out, I seem to lose all interest in New Zealand.

As a cricket team, a country, an Island and as a people.

They just fade away.

It’s like when there is a group of friends in a bar. At the time you are nice to all of them, but you only have your eye on one. Once that one gets sick of your piss and vinegar seduction style and tells you to trot off, you don’t move onto the next friend, you find a new group of friends to hit on, or go home and look up porn.

Or if you get lucky, you take that one home and forget about the friends, but secretly wish one of the friends would have come back so you could see what kind of partnership they would put on.

When McCullum is up and about, you could watch him bat with anyone, even Aaron Redmund, but once he is gone even Ross Taylor doesn’t get you excited.

And it’s a hard act to make Ross Taylor platonic.

When I still wrote off McCullum as an accumulator of 30 odds, Taylor was my favourite kiwi.

Now he fades into beige at the mere mention of McCullum.

I was also a big fan of the perfect boyfriend Jacob Oram.

I liked his lusty big hits, and even ignored his delicate bowling.

Now though, all I see in him is a dude who can’t play short pitch bowling and who falls apart like a piece of origami that’s been pissed on.

So with all that in mind, I am going to watch Battle Royale, as only Battle Royale can give me the sort of violent art that Prince Brendan robbed me of by nicking a wide.www.cricketwithballs.com

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25 years on from India's game-changing victory

Today marks the 25th anniversary of India's incredible victory over West Indies in the 1983 World Cup final at Lords. The immensely unexpected win defending an apparently meagre 183 ignited India's love of one-day international cricket, whose virtues received timely confirmaion today with New Zealand's pulsating last-ball triumph over England.

Perhaps future cricket historians will look upon the era of cricket beginning with India's World Cup win as ending with their World Twenty20 triumph 24 years later, but hopefully all three formats of the game will be able to coexist.

That is for another day. For now, relive the amaizng tournament with Nick's 1983 World Cup tournament review.

OBO from New Zealand looking at a TV

Sportsfreak are going to OBO again.

This time they are not going to soft cock out of it with rain.

Go here and enjoy the game with them.

Or go there and watch them try to stay neutral.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Pakistan win, directed by Martin Scorcese

I have decided to support Hong Kong for the Asia cup.

The Asia cup, for those who have no reason to know or care, is some silly tournament that sounded like a good idea to someone, somewhere, once.

I have always had a deep affection for the Hong Kong team, for at least a week now, and I really like Infernal Affairs.

Pakistan predictably gave Geoff Lawson some heart palpitations in their innings before going on to win pretty easily, as they should.

Beating Hong Kong wasn’t enough for Pakistan. Umar Gul, who I'm sure is really his cric info age, wanted to hurt them.

During Hong Kong’s innings of 133, two batsman were retired hurt.

They both returned to the crease.

Hong Kongians are tough mothers, thusly proving why I am supporting this fighting team, as they have the heart of Andy Lau.

Pakistan was clearly worried about this match up for a while now, they also banned Hong Kong from any warm up games.

Proving, this time it's personal.

Pakistan may have feared Nadeem Ahmed, who doesn’t sound like any Jackie Chan character I can remember, because he can bowl.

Following in the great footsteps of other left armed minnow champions like Leverlock and Karim, Ahmed was a one man wrecking crew.

He took out the intestines of the Pakistani middle order, but his efforts were not enough.

I predict great things for this Hong Kong side, they will win this tournament and by August they shall be rated number one in the world.

Mark my words.www.cricketwithballs.com

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andre with a w

Australia predictably finished off the Windies to win their one dayer.

Some things of some note happaned.

Cameron White got a whole 6 overs.

He bowled pretty well, but he did come on at 5 wickets down, so no real pressure.

Brad Haddin dropped another catch, if he keeps this up the revisionists will remember Gilly as a brilliant glove man.

Haddin did however pull out a bit of jimmy nolan shake n bake throwing a ball through his legs to run out Andre (Cozier called him Andrew the whole time) Fletcher.

Hopefully someone piss tested Fletcher after the game, he looked a bit too casual if you know what I mean.

Bravo batted well but fell to the mystery ball of Michael Clarke, the straight one.

The amount of West Indians who have gone out to this ball is truly amazing. At least the Indians went out to the ones that turned.

And then Australia won.

Can't believe I stayed up for this crap.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Joe Average and the computer brain

Some people will say you have to be intelligent to work in IT.

Others will say you have to be a nerd, or Indian.

Bryce McGain is not Indian, so it’s up to you whether you think he’s intelligent or a nerd.

What is for sure is that his brain is segmented into separate hard drives and has a lot of ram.

He was talking about how he bowls to certain batsman.

And unlike most bowlers I’ve talked to, he seems to have his own system for dealing with batsman.

He puts batsman into types.

The example he gave was of Phil Jacques and Simon Katich.

He said they play leg spin with a similar method, so rather than work them out individually, he lumps them into a type of player, and then works to a plan that he knows works to that sort of batsman.

I think he said he had like 10 different types of batsman, and he starts with the plan he thinks is most likely to catch them out, and then tweaks it as he goes.

Obviously no two batsman are the same, but it gives him 10 different ways to start to a batsman, rather than bowlers who have countless plans or none.

The most interesting thing about all this is that he mentioned Jacques and Katich being similar, and then he said, if you bowl to Shaun Marsh he is also very similar so you start with the same plan.

The Krab and the future serious batsman type batsman are similar.

It took bryce to think of this.www.cricketwithballs.com

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1st innings 1st one dayer in da windies

Ok a one dayer is on, I am willing to stay up until the break of innings to give you my insightful insights.

Ramnaresh Sarwan had his head so low during the minutes silence to Jane McGrath his nose was touching his crotch. No oral sex jokes were mentioned.

Marsh and Watson get off to a flier, Gayle sent Australia in.

Marsh looks like he was born for international cricket, Watson looks like Frankenstein.

Xavier Marshall dives around the boundary and was shot in a 1950’s western, he clutches at the wound, reacts in slow motion, and then dramatically slides out of the window and onto the street face first.

7th mention of Jane McGrath.

Round one goes to Marsh.

Watson looked good, but when the runs dried up Watson looked to experiment a bit much and was caught out doing so.

Watson is about as flexible as a Gollum and he should stick to hitting through the lines.

The pitch has slowed drastically, the new ball skidded onto the bat, now it’s a dead pitch and Ponting looks dreadful on it.

Ponting fucks around for an eternity and then goes out to bogey man number 3, Jerome Taylor.

Clarke comes in and it’s hard to blame Ponting for his dreadfully slow run rate as Clarke doesn’t look like he can hit it off the square either.

Even Marsh has slowed down, and is no longer dashing, now he is in accumulation mode.

Clarke out chasing a wide one with all the foot movement of Jimmy Hoffa.

The best shaped head in world cricket Sammy takes the wicket.

This pitch could suit him, because his lack of pace will make it hard to force the issue.

I just finished writing that when Marsh scooped Sammy to Gayle.

Haddin comes in before White, which is obviously to remind White that he is playing as a bowler.

Was getting a bit bored before Clarke and Marsh went out, so thanks to the Windies for keeping me awake.

Haddin is looking good, he is definitely the butch in this partnership. King Probot M Hussey is just doing his thing.

The Windies seem to be thinking 260 is gettable by there general lack of intensity.

Benn seemed to be the only bowler capable of slowing Haddin down, and eventually he slowed him down completely.

Haddin let all his good work down by skipping as his ball sailed towards long off.

White is coming in, if the Windies have done their homework they bring on Edwards and he bowls an over of Yorkers at White early on.

Sarwan to White, no homework.

Cozier has talked up White as a huge hitter, and he finally delivers with a miss hit for 4.

Not what Cozier wanted.

Hussey tries to live up to his finisher tag, but this is a wicket for proper big hitters and he slaps it to a fielder and Gayle picks up a cheap wicket.

Chris Gayle pulls out the Xavier Doherty stutter ball, nice work.

Sarwan gets White with a ball about 5 miles quicker than most of Sammy's nuts.

Lee comes in and does what no one else seemed to be able to do, get away a big shot.

Hopes gets bowled by Bravo, and Australia make enough to put this in the bag you'd think.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Watson V Marsh (first round)

Both boys came out swinging.

Marsh landed more punches, but Watson scored with every punch he threw.

Once they had worked each other out they seemed happy to dance for a little while.

The big punches disappeared and both batsmen threw soft jabs.

Then Watson threw caution to the wind and left himself wide open.

Marsh gave him a big hit, and then scored easily for the rest of the round.

The round goes to Marsh, by a fair distance.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Haddin's head game (no oral jokes today)

Here is a fun game for you to play at home.

Sime & I discovered this after watching Brad Haddin in a few state games.

Watch how late he lifts his head.

The bowler is almost in delivery stride some times.

And I have seen him pull away more times than any other batsman.

Sometimes it is the only interesting thing about Haddin.

Other times his batting is good to watch.

EDIT: Greg Blewett just mentioned it, how can he be commentating and reading my blog at the same time, the man is a genius.www.cricketwithballs.com

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changing ends

I am doing what so many Australians do, I am off to cash in on the easy money on offer in the UK.

In a few weeks I leave the birth place of champions, the northern suburbs of Melbourne, for the birthplace of something, London.

I have been to London before, but I seemed to spend most of my time drinking with expat Australians who thought they were so freakin cool to be living in London in a share house with 12 others. Fucken tossers.

The rest of my time was spent in a Russian mob café eating something they called fish, I took their word for it.

While I am really looking forward to moving to England, I will still miss some things about home.

Watching the first test and trying to work out what Ian Chappell’s bugbear for the summer is going to be.

Having all my mates ask me to the boxing day test, even though none of them are cricket fans, and they should know I don’t go to test matches to drink.

Sitting alone, or near a certain players mother at a state game, silently judging the players and the autograph hunters.

Going to the MCG 30 times a year. Actually just read this on the MCG.

Watching a one day game from the members.

Sitting in a bar arguing with my mate on whether test cricket is dead.

Sitting in the stands with Sime and Big Daddy as Big Daddy does his best to piss off every person sitting around us, while Sime gets fired up over bad techniques and refuses to get the sunscreen.

Talking to my dad about how bad Ponting is as a captain.

Collingwood, and AFL football in general.

The Epping train line.

Ignoring the latest Australian film.

Trams.

I should arrive in England just in time for the South African tour.

And then Andre and I shall take over the world.

Houhahahaaaahaa…www.cricketwithballs.com

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He don't like being told what to do by no one but jesus

IS Bindra take a bow.

Your comments that Hussey and Hayden would play for Chennai ahead of Australia were spot on.

Just listen to what Hayden had to say.

"If we are playing for Australia in any form our decision will be to honour that commitment first. There are no grey areas here."

No grey areas there, and perhaps no grey matter in Bindra’s brain.

Perhaps in future Bindra you should let the smooth talking abductor talk to the media.

Or strap his hands to a cross, cause then Hayden might be interested in what he has to say.www.cricketwithballs.com

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obviously

Shane Watson and Cameron White are playing the most important one day series of their lives.

The platy well or be damned series.

Shane Watson finds himself in an odd position.

He has been picked based on form.

This has never happened to him before.

Also he has to audition for the vacant openers position against a guy so virile that lady spectators are told to bring their own contraception.

Allrounders in one day cricket are not as rare as they were when Watson came onto the scene.

Hopes has done wonderfully well in Watson’s absence.

And Noffke is an animatrix character.

Not too mention that White, Clarke, D Hussey (FPM) and Symonds are all rounders of some kind.

White is a whole other kettle of fish.

Ponting has said “White's obviously been picked as the spinner on this tour”.
Obviously.

Since he was quite often the 4th choice spinner for his state side, I’d say that’s a little less than obvious.

Bryce McGain was the number one wicket taker in the one day cup (and was quick to point out this fact when I said otherwise).

Behind him D Hussey and B Hodge bowled a fair few overs.

Then occasionally when he got bored, White would bring himself on.

White was a spinner once, then everyone tried to fix him, read as: make like Warney, and his technique and subsequently his confidence fell apart.

Then the selectors pick him as a spinner, even though, he hasn’t been a spinner in 4 years.

What is wrong with actually picking a spinner?

McGain was the leading wicket taker.

Xavier Doherty bowled brilliantly for most of they year, and although he has never told me this personally, was the equal top wicket taker with McGain in domestic one dayers, and he also invented the cricket stutter ball.

Dan Cullen even took a few wickets in the one dayers.

But instead the pick White, because he can bat, and no other reason.

Ponting doesn’t think he can bowl.

White is not sure he can bowl.

So why pick him as a bowler?www.cricketwithballs.com

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TWC arrives in my mail box

I just received my copy of The Wisden Cricketer.

The magazine that you, the readers of CWB helped us get into.

There we are on the shiny, and extremely glossy page, the same layout that King Cricket and AYALAC occupied so beautifully before me.

Only problem is Sidebottom the stroppy is on the cover.

And in the blog they picked, pot, kettle, Vaughn, I said nice things about him.

Had the good folks at TWC advised me of this cover, I could have given them a sidebottom the stroppy quote to put on the front cover.

Perhaps just a picture of Sidebottom, and then underneath from a speech bubble could have been “I want an oompa loompa now daddy”.

Being that I am blog of the month you would expect I would have a bit of editorial control on the issue.

I would have had Andre Nel on the cover.

South Africa is about to tour, Nel is playing county cricket and getting told off.

What better than Andre Nel semi naked holding a badger over his privates and covered in I can’t believe it’s not butter.

One nice touch that was obviously done just for me is the use of the word cock on the front cover.

I appreciate the effort.

www.cricketwithballs.com

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RIP George Carlin

Sure it's nothing to do with cricket, but he has had alot to do with Cricket With Balls articulation.

Two other cricket blogs have already eulogised him.

The reverse swing manifesto.

And Outside the line.

Here is one quote I always liked.

Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Twenty20 problems - and solutions

With Twenty20 certain to form a core part of cricket's brave new world, the news that crowds are slightly down on previous years should not be ignored.

The reasons for this slight decline are obvious. Whilst games in which rivalry is fiercest - the roses clash, for instance - sell out, interest in the less glamarous fixtures is reduced. Over the space of 17 days, each county plays five home games. Yet, with five home games spread so thinly, even the most avid of Twenty20 fans would find it difficult to attend every game, especially members of counties for whom Twenty20 is no longer included in the membership. The problem is not helped by brainless scheduling: four of Surrey's first five games were at home within the space of eight days. Fans would be more willing, and able, to attend every clash were they spread over a longer period. The problem is obviously compunded at counties that have struggled and were effectively eliminated by the halfway stage. Where is the motivation for fans to attend Leicestershire's last two home games? These should be one of the highlights of their season, and should contribute a large portion of their annual gate receipts. But, with the grim record of seven consecutive defeats, the incentive for fans to part with their wages is negligible.

There is considerable merit in the decision, from this season, to increase the number of games played by two to ten. It makes the groups symmetrical and, subsequently, a lot fairer. Yet there are flipsides. The ECB are determined to encourage local rivalries but there is palpable frustration developing amongst fans bored of playing the same teams persistently, due primarily to the regionalisation of both the FP Trophy and the Twenty20 Cup. There will be 13 days of cricket between Kent and Surrey this season, including eight in seven weeks, whilst some pairs of counties go seasons without meeting others.

What is the best way round these problems to maximise the popularity of Twenty20 Cup cricket, and the financial benefits it can have to the counties? I would advocate replacing the three regions with two, prior to the quarter-final stage, meaning each county would only play the others in the region once, reducing supporter fatigue with seeing the same opposition players constantly. This would reduce the number of games played by each county to eight. This would be hard to stomach, and chairmen may be angry that they would only have their bumper derbies every other season, but has great merit. Extra games of Twenty20 would be implemented to placate the chairmen by replacing the Pro40 with a Twenty20 league, played primarily on Friday nights.

Another thought that needs serious consideration is the possibility of extending the season into October - playing almost the same number of days of cricket, but more spread out, would help increase resting and preparing time during the season itself. Late September weather is also generally superior to that of late April. The championship should not extend beyond around the 20th of September, but there could be great merit in an end-of-season Twenty20 bonanza. This would help consolidate the fanbase built up over the mid-season and would give county cricket a memorable end-of-season that would capture the attention of the nation in a way that even county championships as enthralling as last season's simply will never do. Ending the season with a final - perhaps Twenty20 finals day - would provide a climactic and definitive finale. Just as the FA Cup Final concludes the English domestic football season, so the Twenty20 finals could conclude cricket's.

Ideas, ideas. The ECB has an abundunce of them to consider: of that no one doubts. Now it is up to them to make the right choice: to maximise and consolidate the support for Twenty20 in a way that leaves the 16-game county championship as it is.

the prophets explained

Jesus was a wicket keeper.

Soft hands that got worse with age.

A scratchy start, but he was 30 before you knew it.

Willing to sacrifice his innings for the good of the team.

L Ron Hubbard was a mystery spinner.

A lot of talk about the legality of his action.

Once worked out, was relatively straight forward.

Exiled from the game.

Rael is a leg spinner.

His good balls are unplayable.

His bad balls are truly horrible.

Every team should have one, but only one, no clones allowed.

Joseph Smith was a medium pacer.

Not flashy, but he got the wickets.

Bowled long spells with several different bowlers rotated at the other end.

Like to bowl uphill.

Moses was an all rounder.

Sometimes he led the attack.

Sometimes he took the attack to the opposition.

Was quite fickle about the rules of the game.

Muhammad is a cricket administracrat.

Invented a new form of the game.

He wrote the rule book, and did the publicity.

People in certain geographical places loved this game so much, they abandoned other forms of it.www.cricketwithballs.com

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IPL is crude

The IPL may be the big boy in town, but if he wants all the ladies to love him, he has to use different methods with each of the cricket boards.

IS Binda has come out and said that Hussey and Hayden will turn out for the super duper kings in the champions league super extravaganza.

But not two weeks ago James Sutherland said that they would be busy warming up for the Indian tour.

The IPL just needs to work out a method that allows them to win Cricket Australia over.

You can’t just whip out your member in a pub and expect CA to get down on their knees.

You need to seduce them, be romantic, offer them something in return and do all this in the privacy of a corporate board room.

Then perhaps CA will think about getting on their knees.

But when you whip out your Johnson in the pub, they will be feign offence just to keep up appearances.

At least start with flowers.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Every vote counts

I don’t ask much of you at cricket with balls.

I give free infotainment to you 3 or 4 times a day.

Where else can you get information about how players have sex?

Where else can you get information on Dirk Nannes or Bryce McGain?

How many other blogs advise you of their wacky and perverted google searches, such as “preity zinta cricket orgy”?

What other cricket blog seamlessly slips Natalie Portman into it’s posts?

And how many cricket blogs have a Podcast for your enjoyment?

The one thing I ask of my followers is that they support my petitions.

I know it takes a lot to make people to actually participate and not just view.

But I am trying to save Bill Lawry.

Bill freakin Lawry, not promote some obscure Victorian, or get myself into a magazine.

It’s Bill Lawry, a legend, an Icon, a man who has gotten excited over every nationality of cricketer in the world.

He is in danger of being fired, so they can keep some wanky git who has so many allegiances he doesn’t know who he supports.

A man who supports rebel leagues for cash and wants to make people grovel.

Bill doesn’t want to make anyone grovel, he just wants to entertain us while we watch the cricket, no secret agendas up his sleeve.

This is not something for just the commenters to do, I want every reader of CWB to get behind Bill, before it's too late.

If you don't want to do it for Bill, do it for me, your humble cricket blogger who has made you smile over a bagel once or twice.

So please support Bill Lawry and sign the petition.

Thank you.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Billy the Kid is on the run

I was never a huge fan of Craig McDermott.

Not sure why.

It may have been his red hair.

I always though he was boring.

Or it could be the fact his test average of 28 was the same as Mervs, yet Merv was thought of as a plodder and McDermott was a superstar.

But since retirement McDermott has been much more entertaining than Merv.

Merv runs cricket tours, is a selector and doesn’t like the Mexican wave.

Craig takes people on tours of his home for Channel 9.

Loses raunchy sex tapes he made with the missus.

And runs large property companies into the ground until people are owed 40 million dollars.

All he needs is a cocaine influenced speech and a public toilet encounter with a man known as hoover, and his fall from grace would be Britneyesque.

McDermott was caught out by the Victorian fire department, who were obviously trying to right the wrongs committed against Merv Hughes during McDermott’s injury prone career.

I have two favourite McDermott memories.

Him bowling a full toss to Alec Stewart, I believe, first ball of the 5th day for and caught and bowled, on the same day Warne took his hattrick.

And when he had a real sook in on tour and AB threatened to send him home from England without his supper.

Read here (great Murdoch headline work), or here (to hear about how he is good in court), for further information on Craig’s shocking demise.www.cricketwithballs.com

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White bowls, true story

Usually I wouldn’t look at tour game stats, but now David Hussey is in the fray I can’t help myself.

He hit a lazy 55 with five 6’s and took 2/4.

Without Sourav around you would expect the Future PM to shine.

What I didn’t expect to see was Cameron White bowling 8 overs.

You could say I was befuddled.

Quickly i regained my sense and went looking for the root cause of this "spell" of bowling.

No Ricky Ponting.

There are two captains in Australia who refuse to bowl White, Ponting and White.

I was ready to wipe off White as a bowler forever, but in the shield final White out bowled McGain, and yes I mentioned this to Bryce.

If White is ever going to be an allrounder he needs long spells.

Ever since the New Zealand tour of a few years back no one has wanted to bowl him, but he does actually have the talent to be a real spinner.

I promise I have seen him change the outcome of games with long spells, short spells and wrong ones.

Surely what Australia needs is another batsman who can bowl part time spin.

In other news Shane Watson made some runs.

But I am sure you are more interested in Hussey and White.www.cricketwithballs.com

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RIP Jane McGrath

No Sarwan jokes today.www.cricketwithballs.com

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The England puts in a sub Quaker performance

The media said the wicket was a bowlers paradise.

The ball was dancing off the wicket.

The clouds were making straight balls curve in the air, literally swinging away from the batsman.

And the pitch had some sort of trampoline quality to it that made the simplest ball jolt up at unplayable angles.

Well all this must have happened after I fell asleep watching New Zealand bat.

There is no doubt the pitch had a bit of Honky tonk in it.

But to say it was the reason these two sides struggled to make any runs is pushing it.

If Elliott and Mills can put on a partnership like that 7 wickets down, it’s not really a shocking pitch now is it.

Was it the pitches fault that Taylor played every drive straight to a fielder, even the scorching ones?

Was it the pitches fault that Flynn refused to play a shot, until he scooped a ball straight up in the air?

Was it the pitches fault that Jamie How thought he was wearing whites?

Prince Brendan seemed to handle the amazingly hostile pitch so well that if he hadn’t found KP he may have made one of those 70 off 40 innings he likes so much.

The pitch was in the bowlers favour, but when those pitches were common place, batsmen would have found a way out of the storm.

Now they bat with bemused looks on their face and you can see them ringing their managers/parents/lovers in the change rooms to complain about the pitch (well they would if phones in the change room were legal).

Once the wickets start falling they throw their arms in the air in a queer fashion and let the game slip away.

I didn’t watch the England bat, but they are rubbish, and watching them would have thrust the point home for me.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Joe Average, schooled by slow mo

In the old days of film making, a director learnt his craft working on films in all sorts of other roles before he convinced someone he could direct.

Then came film schools, where eager young nerds plied their trade until someone saw their 4 hour opus on an egg and gave them a real job.

In recent times a lot of directors have learnt their craft via the directors commentary and the other special extras you can view on DVD’s.

Cricket has been similar to film, it started with learning on the job, moved to academies and now cricketers are learning from new viewing technology.

Bryce was a late starter in all aspects of cricket, he didn’t start playing district cricket until the age of 21, an age where most hopefuls have played at least 5 years already.

At 28 was the first time he received proper coaching on leg spinning.

27 was the age that English spinner Alex Loudon retired from cricket to be a boring fucker.

But McGain looks about as likely to retire from cricket as I am to join the Simon Katich fan club.

How did Joe Average become Bryce McGain, without formal training, academies and molly coddling from well meaning coaches.

The same way nerds learn how to speak Klingon, by watching way too closely.

The slow mo camera lets him watch the tenhniques in a way that lets him study every nuance of the delievery.

The speed clock lets him see when and by how much a spinner is varying his pace.

And the super duper long lens lets Bryce see the warts on other leg spinners hands.

Bryce isn’t a spectator, he is a student, a voyeur, he studies the game, like a virgin watching porn.

Learning from the subtlies, working out the field placements, trying to work out their tactics and watching the speed gun.

All these things that we take for granted as part of our entertainment, Bryce uses to get himself ready for international cricket.

This is the difference between you, the dude who won’t get up to take a piss, and Bryce.

He is not watching merely watching the cricket, he is the cricket.

It’s a zen thing, ask Phil Jackson.

By his own admission, “It’d be nice to be able to just watch the cricket and drink some cans and not even think about it”.

While you and I are watching cricket and turning into fat useless assholes, Bryce is using his viewing time to hone his skills for a potential match up with Sourav Ganguly or someone good.

Bryce is such a good student of the game he can watch a shithouse spinner and still get something from it “you pull your hair out and say Oh My God how are they playing test cricket, but there is stuff to learn off that as well.

Bryce still uses the Tv as a weapon in global domination, but he also has private sessions with Australia’s favourite ex jailbird Terry Jenner.

With Terry Jenner and a Remote control on his side, nothing can stop him now.www.cricketwithballs.com

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New Zealand put in a sub Amish performance

If you knew someone who was just starting to love cricket, and they watched New Zealand bat last night, they are no longer cricket fans.

Get them videos of Afridi batting, Tait bowling, Nel going mental and Murali smiling.

Because if not they may be lost to cricket forever.

New Zealand took the Amish approach to cricket tonight.

Actually that is mightily unfair to Amish people, they build those crappy air conditionless houses in a couple of days.

At tonight’s pace New Zealand would take 7 weeks to put up a dog kennel, and then they’d put it up backwards.

And after all that they’d remember they own cats not dogs.www.cricketwithballs.com

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My lunch with Joe Average Part 1

Cricket with balls is not a journalistic institution.

But due to recent developments and so forth, I was in a position to interview one of Cricket with Balls favourite sons, Bryce McGain.

It is fitting that Bryce is my first interview, as he was the first player to receive the “cricket with balls own” tag.

Bryce opted to meet in a café sea side.

The view of the ocean was horrid, but luckily the junkies made up for it.

For those who are interested, he wore a blue hoodie, and had just come from a session.

Bryce is a nice guy, which is lucky, given his other nickname of Nice Bryce.

Early on we covered the important things, like whether Dirty Dirk knows where he is bowling it, answer is no, and about how it came to pass that Bryce played for Denmark.

The Denmark story was a bit unexciting, but perhaps because I was expecting him to say, my father was an Earl of Copenhagen, and one day I got a call from Princess Mary asking me to do my duty for the national side or I would end up beheaded.

In fact he was playing club cricket over there and was picked to be the overseas player in the tournament that Scotland, the Netherlands, Denmark and Ireland play against the county sides, of which the name has alluded me.

They must have had a strong side as Bryce batted in the middle order.

The fact he made 50 also tells you of the level of the opposition, no Brett Lee’s around.

Bryce is now a full time cricketer, leaving his job as ANZ IT bagman behind him.

Hence why he can sit in a café and talk shit about cricket for a couple of hours.

The one thing I noticed, and it happened repeatedly was Bryce’s constant reference to himself as Joe Average.

At first I thought it may have been a reference to his alter ego, some sort of superhero who puts out fires and saves kittens by night.

But no, this is how Bryce saw his life before Terry Jenner, Warne and I started name dropping him.

Notice how I slipped in my name into the same line as Shane Warne so smoothly.

Back then he was Bryce McGain, father, bank employee and cricket enthusiast.

Now he is Bryce Mcgain, the Facebook kid, Cricket with balls own, Nice Bryce, and potential test cricketer for Australia.

Surprisingly enough no one came up for an autograph during our time together.

Although the Chinese lady sitting next to us did say Leggie at one stage.

Or she was ordering a Veggie burger.

Stay tuned for Joe Average’s take on why he and I are better than you, Joe Average’s Facebook problems, Joe Average facing Brett Lee and other interesting Joe Average adventures.www.cricketwithballs.com

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The wet tipping comp

Us bloggers are still tipping away for the England V New Zealand tour.

Mind you I can't remember the last time I saw a ball bowled in this series.

I am still coming second last, and I realised why, I still thought New Zealand weren't rubbish.

My mistake.

New tips here.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Windies - Aus Elevenses: not-so-live blog

Hello! Welcome to my report on the first Twenty20 in the Carribean.

This is not a live blog, as the match has already finished, but I'm watching what I recorded earlier on Sky+, and thought I'd document the experience for those Australians who are comfortably asleep, and also those non-Aussies who actually have a life and have gone out on this Friday night, instead of working late and then going home to watch cricket on your own with a bowl of noodles and a bottle of cava.

So. Rain! Game is reduced to 11 overs a side. Ooh, fewer to blog. Windies win the toss and put the Aussies in to bat.

Mark Wedderburn is in the studio, and he's got Jason Gillespie with him. Jason's looking SHARP. Mark has already said twice within 1 minute that Gillespie has a "very recognisable face". That's up there with "very striking-looking" for damning with faint praise.

The Windies are captained by Bravo and have some debutantes: Andre "Who?" Fletcher, William "Who?" Perkins and Kemar "Who? but good name, dude!" Roach. Aussies have caps for Shane "IPL" Marsh, and Luke "Pronounced Wrong-Key" Ronchi. Also playing is David "Who? [only kidding, Jrod!]" Hussey. Oh, Cameron white is there too. Someone who visits cricketwithballs via google REALLY wants to know about his girlfriend.

Oh no, Wedderburn keeps referring to Stuart Marsh. Holy hell, man! I could honest to GOD do a better job, and I'd bet I'd undercut you on price! Sky, you're all about the money aren't you? Book me! and I fill so many minority demographics, your HR department are gonna die from pleasure.

My favourite groundsman with the long dreads is there. Yay! Who remembers him from the World Cup final, having to replace the circle markers when it became clear that play had to continue?

Wedderburn and Gillespie are talking between themselves. I'm forwarding past this, because I don't think I can bear it.

Ah, CRICKET!!!

Australian Innings:

[b]OVER 1:[/b] Taylor bowling. Marsh facing. If we were playing drinking games, it would definitely be "down 2 fingers" for every mention of Shaun Marsh's father. Bowlers have a max of 2 each, btw, except for 1 who can bowl 3. SIX!! Huge hit straight down the ground. 9 - 0.

[b]OVER 2:[/b] Sulieman Benn, the spinner, bowling. The spinner! Gosh he's tall. Ronchi looks suspiciously unibrow. NObody to move the sightscreen but Ronchi's not bothered. Excellent over from Benn, 12 - 0.

[b]OVER 3:[/b] Taylor bowling, Ronchi facing. SIX!!! 76 metres. FOUR! The commentator has obv just been handed a Ronchi fact-sheet cos he's reeling them off. FOUR!! then a big LBW shout, not given, missing leg. 3 dots in a row. 26 - O.

[b]OVER 4:[/b] Benn back. Marsh on strike. The commentators reckon Bravo doesn't know the rules re powerplays in reduced over games and are imploring "somebody" to tell him that the powerplay is over and he can move out his fielders. Marsh and then Ronchi take advantage of this. FOUR! FOUR! FOUR! 42 - 0.

[b]OVER 5:[/b] The dugout are signalling "3!" to Bravo to signal that they messed up the field placings in the last over. New bowler: Fidel Edwards and O NOES!! he's slipped when just about to deliver the ball. We saw that already in the tests, first ball he bowled then too. He's up, he's ok. Good stuff from Fidel. 47 - 0.

[b]OVER 6:[/b] Local boy Kemar Roach is in. Full toss, Ronchi recoils, falls to his knees. DROPPED! Good ball, quick, up in the air but Ramdin fails to hold it. FOUR! then Ronchi hits it down and WICKET!!!!! Roach gets one in his first over! Ronchi c Taylor b Roach, 36, off 22 balls. New bat: Shane Watson (calm DOWN ladies!). 57 - 1.

[b]OVER 7:[/b] Fidel stays on. Keeps it tidy. FOUR!! off the last ball of the over 65 - 1.

They're advertising some Saffer wine-in-a-box in the breaks. I'm not judging, I'm just saying. Well, I'm silently judging, in the privacy of my own home.

[b]OVER 8:[/b] Roach continues. Looks pretty quick, this guy. Then fields well off his own bowling; harsh to call that a dropped caught-and-bowled. SIX! very stylish from Marsh, 98 nmetres. Then... WICKET!! That's brilliant work at the boundary by Xavier Marshall, takes the catch, tricky enough as it is, and then just stops himself from falling onto the rope with some twinklytoed footwork! Marsh b Roach c Marshall 29, off 22 balls. New bat: DAVID HUSSEY!!! COME ON! 72 - 2.

Roach goes off to see to his hand, which was hit hard when he fielded during that over.

[b]OVER 9:[/b] Bravo bowling. Change of pace, and it does for Hussey! WICKET!! David Hussey hits it up in the air, caught Perkins. Out second ball for a duck. O NOES! DAVID! New bat = Cameron White. FOUR! 78 - 3.

[b]OVER 10:[/b] Roach is back, he's the guy being given the third over. FOUR! He does look to have a bit of pace and bounce about him: I like this kid. SIX! Despite (and because of) that six Roach finishes for 3 - 29. 91 - 3.

[b]OVER 11:[/b] Bravo gives it to himself. Keeps it tight, concedes just 6. Aus finish on 97 - 3.

INNINGS BREAK. Wedderburn in the studio makes a painful, painful joke about it being so fast and frantic that Jason Gillespie says he's dizzy. Fast-forward.

Windies Innings. They need 98 at 8.91 runs per over.

[b]OVER 1:[/b] Xavier Marshall and newby William Perkins to open. Bowler is Brett Lee. SIX!!! good start from the Windies. Some VERY audible announcements with the registration numbers of vehicles parked in the wrong place. 9 - 0.

[b]OVER 2:[/b] Mitchell Johnson, with a new haircut. Bounces over Ronchi, FOUR byes. SIX! Marshall again. But then the batsman takes one straight in the nads - ouchie. He manages to run, remarkably. SIX!! onto the roof of the stand. FOUR! streaky. HUGE over. 34 - 0, and the Windies are left needing 64 runs off 54 balls.

[b]OVER 3:[/b] Lee continues. Perkins plays an almost-sitting-down version of the Marilliner shot / Ashraful fine leg scoop over your shoulder shot, and with success. FOUR! and FOUR! creamed away on the offside. Ponting is spitting into his hands and rubbing them together. and FOUR! Straight down the ground, only just missing the non-striker stumps, wonderful stuff from Marshall. The crowd are going crazy! 51 - 0. At this point the Aussies had 26.

[b]OVER 4:[/b] Windies need need 47 off 48. Watson comes to have a bowl. WICKET!!! Misunderstanding, Marshall changes his mind and turns round, not enough time, Watson picks up the ball and throws down the stumps. Marshall run out (Watson) for 36, off 15 balls. Great effort, have brought the Windies right up to a manageable run rate, shame he didn't stick around. New bat: Ramdin. 56 - 1.
[b]OVER 5:[/b] Windies need 42 off 42. James Hopes is brought into the attack. Audible snick that I heard first time off Perkins, but which nobody questions. Oh the commentator has picked up on it. WICKET!!! run out. Perkins seeks a quick single, doesn't get to the other end in time, good sliding-falling-aiming-at-one-stump throw from Ponting. Perkins goes for 9, off 11 balls.
[b]OVER 6[/b]: This brings in ... Dwayne Bravo. Watson continues. FOUR! WICKET!!! Ramdin b Watson c Johnson, diving catch, 8 off 6 balls. New bat: Andre Fletcher. 65 - 3.
[b]OVER 7:[/b] Windies need 33 off 3o. Cameron White is on! Bowling to Bravo. SIX!!! White is struggling a little. Windies are well ahead of the rate. 75 - 3.
[b]OVER 8:[/b] Windies need 23 off 24, and Mitchell Johnson comes back in. SIX! Lucky outside edge from Bravo, totally clears Brett Lee on the boundary. Windies steal a single off a miss-field, after a close run-out call. 85 - 3.
[b]OVER 9:[/b] Windies need 13 off 18. Should be easy. Hopes is back. FOUR!! Bravo is looking to administer the smackdown here and bring it home. The crowd are loving this! FOUR!! The Windies dugout are loving it too! Do you know who's not loving it? Ricky Ponting, who has his serious face on. 96 - 3
[b]OVER 10:[/b] Windies need 2 off 12. Shane Watson is bowling. Bravo faces. And... SIX!!!!! Bravo finishes it in some style! Windies finish on 102 - 3.

IT'S ALL OVER! Windies win the first ever Twenty2o International in the Carribean. Xavier Marshall takes a lot of credit for getting the Windies off to a flier at the start so that they never dropped behind the run rate.
Man of the Match: for his catch and for his batting, Xavier Marshall.

Back to the studio, where there's an awful lot of nonsense being talked about what this MEANS, and flawed comparisons to the Aussie's Twenty2o loss in England in 2005.
I'll finish with a gem from Gillespie: "11 overs, it's a bit of an unknown quantity isn't it". www.cricketwithballs.com

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Did someone say, Pakistan?

I’m white, so naturally I cower in fear at the very mention of Pakistan.

India doesn’t scare me, that’s because I’m white, so I love money.

But Pakistan has no millions of dollars to offer me, so that scares me as well.

Jacob Oram is afraid of two things, short pitched bowling and Pakistan.

Roy does not like places where bombs go off, although he is not white.

Ponting thinks that several players, from countries like England and New Zealand, may have reservations about travelling to Pakistan.

What he really means is:

"Hey youz guys, I’m tellin ya, me and the boys are not going to Pakistan.

We don’t have nuffin against em or anything, we just don’t like bombs.

Ofcourse if you schedule any games for Jaipur on the Indian tour we’ll be happy to play there.

We can stay at Warnie’s palace."

This will be the last time I mention Pakistan on this blog, as the mere mention of it makes me so scared I can’t even type straight.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Dirty Dirk Nannes Watch - Man of the Match!

Having had us all wondering where he was for a while, everyone's favourite Japanese-speaking saxophonist law graduate fast bowler, Dirty Dirk Nannes, is certainly making up for lost time now.

I found out through my carefully planted tracking device this guy that Dirty Dirk was Man of the Match in Middesex's Twenty20 game with Sussex. Go Dirk! Yay! Are there any words on Cricinfo sweeter than "Player of the match DP Nannes (Middlesex)"?

In the match, Dirk finished with 3 - 19, all of whom were bowled. Middlesex won by 38 runs.

Now, some people got upset at Dirk's hat-trick heroics against Essex, but nobody minds when it's Sussex, do they? Do they? I mean, I've got a signed Sussex bat at home and even I don't mind.

Also, Cricinfo list his nickname as Diggler. Has it always said this? Really?
www.cricketwithballs.com

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