Miriam speaks from the top of the hill

Quite a few of you have asked for it, so here it is.

Miriam's first ever post (on this site).

Hard though it is to imagine in these Sreesanth-slapping, Bollywood-star-hugging times, the northern hemisphere Test season is starting soon, and we may (only may) start to remember what Dravid and Chanderpaul are for.

Now, according to the pundits, this sedate, classy, Chanel-and-Valentino form of cricket is feeling threatened by the new lady on the block, the sexy, filthy dirty Cavalli-and-Fendi twentysomething with the bright coloured clothes and celebrity friends.

However much we tell test cricket that we love her and will remain true to her no matter how many miniskirted commando cheerleaders stand directly in our line of vision, test cricket is worried.

But like all the best makeovers, test cricket can learn from its younger rival, add a few new tricks to her repertoire to maintain the excitement for the tens of new fans attracted by the brash newcomer, and become, if you like, the third wife that topples the trophy wife. Here are the ways that the IPL can give test cricket a face lift:

A special cap to be worn by someone coming in on a pair. A special piece of black cloth (there should still be some hanging around, for want of a better phrase, in judges' chambers in England) for the umpires to wear on their head when a batsman faces a hat trick ball. Fireworks, cheerleaders and music for each maiden over blocked out. A bit of bling: shiny shiny silver pads. These could also double up as a mirror for Stuart Broad. The Miss World candidates from the test nations to be required to attend all games, to give the camera something to go to after each blocked-out maiden over, and also to give the ladies something to do when they're not campaigning for world peace.An actual crown to be placed on the head of Man of the Match. The players to be miked up, but the producers can ONLY go to them at crucial moments, for example when batting in the nineties or bowling a hat trick ball. An auction so that each country has a maximum spend. Australia will struggle because of the higher prices placed on their players, but Bangladesh will thrive as they can afford to pick the all best players in their country, a strategy which has of course served them very well in the test arena to date. This should also lead to fewer one-sided matches, so satisfying the test purists too. If a team overspends, they have to handicap themselves in some way. For example, have one fielder in diving gear, or have [INSERT NAME OF USELESS PLAYER OF YOUR CHOICE] on their team. An obligatory over 35s former stars quota. Here Australia will be just fine, but Bangladesh are in real trouble.An obligatory quota of players to be picked from the team who usually plays at that particular test ground. Finally, Bryce McGain and Ramps get their moment in the sun. The players won't like it, I hear you say? Don’t forget the final innovation to be imported from the IPL: the money....
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