You Sir/Madam/Hermafradite, are a bastard of a monkey

Warning: this blog contains references to all sorts of really offensive stuff, so if bastard monkeys offend you, please step away now, or I’ll throw a fatherless banana at you.

The title of this blog could mean different things to different people.

To some it could be questioning the parentage of a black man.

To others it could be something you say to a friend of yours who is a primate.

We live in tricky times.

Political correctness is the new black.

Hence why I haven’t been asked to write for Cric Info.

There are certain things you can say to certain players, that you can’t say to other players.

Like you can’t call Makhaya Ntini or Andrew Symonds a monkey, but you can call Steve Harmison one.

You can call an Australian a motherfu©ker, bastard, @sshole, ©unt, sh1thead or poofter, but don’t mention monkeys, infact stay away from any primates.

Don’t call the Prime Minister of New Zealand a man.

Don’t call Ian Thorpe a big foot or a homosexual.

And don’t call a South African Muslim a terrorist.

You can call Brett Lee a man.

You can call Elton John a homosexual with or without big feet.

And you can call me a terrorist.

This is what confuses people.

So I have devised a new plan, everyone is to be called by their number and their number only.

If you don’t have a number, I suggest you come up with one.

My number is 3113455513 and that is all you are ever allowed to call me.

My number has no racial connotations, it cannot be called homosexual, isn’t a monkey or a bastard, doesn’t wear womens underwear, won’t do ice, hasn’t plotted the downfall of the western civilisation, can’t eaten tofu or vote republican.

Let us do a role play, lets say your number 67342334, and I beat the bat with an inswinger that spat up past the edge of your bat like a cobra.

I may walk down and say you fu©ken lucky 67342334.

You look back at me and say your such a little 3113455513, get back to your mark and bowl the fu©ken ball 3113455513 before I smack you upside your head.

And then we laugh, and buy each other fried pig snacks and no one has to talk to Mike Proctor ever again.

Isn’t that a world we all want to live in 67342334, by the way 67342334 your hair looks great today, no that’s not what I meant, no, um sorry, I had no idea, no really that is not necessary, please don’t get upset, I just meant, I’m sorry, put down that chair 67342334, please don’t kill me, I’m way too beautiful to die……………www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"