If only Andre Nel had a moustache

Against my better judgement, I really like Andre Nel.

Then again, I have always been partial to mass murderers and cult leaders, so maybe he just continues that trend for me.

Frequent readers of this site may be confused, as Nel is South African, and judging by my previous record, I’m not their biggest fans.

But try as I might, I just can’t help but like him.

Andre is the sort of guy you would love to have on your team, he gives it everything he has, and when that doesn’t work, you can sit at first slip and p1ss yourself while he rolls around the ground after beating a tailender with a straight one.

Clearly he is insane, I wouldn’t argue that.

But if I had to watch a fast bowler late at night, after a few lagers, on my couch, with Natalie beside me, there is no one else in the modern game I would prefer to watch.

We all know the strain of professionalism is killing entertaining cricketers, in bowling, the situation is particularly grim.

The life seems to have disappeared from them, as Probot bowlers and toilers are taking over.

While watching probing overs from Stuart Clark, my mind wanders to thoughts about self mutilation.

When Matthew Hoggard grunts in, I wonder why I spend so much time watching this game.

And if I have to deal with another Kiwi grinder chuggin in for a long spell, I might go postal, or worse, become a scientologist.

That’s why I love Andre, he is completely different from the current crop of fast bowlers, other than his protégé Sreesanth.

I love it when he gives a vicious outburst for what seems a fairly common occurrence, i.e. a 2 minute spray for a batsman missing an outswinger.

His exaggerated follow through for every ball.

The way he turns fast bowling into performance art.

His amazement in not getting a wicket every ball.

The look on his face when a batsman has the audacity to hit a four of him, or a single.

The fact he has a hot sister who likes chubby balding cricketers.

When he dropped Allan Donald with a bouncer, and cried about it.

That he has been caught drink driving and using weed.

He is also underrated as a bowler, the man is a perfect first change bowler.

He is tall, hard to play, always at you, can move the ball both ways, and has a more than handy bouncer.

If you told him to bowl up hill, into a gale, while it rained, on a road, with a midget on his back, he would do so.

You can’t find many people like that, most bowlers frown at the word midget.

But I think the best thing about him is that he makes the batsman assume he is a raving Looney.

Another man did this, his name was Merv Hughes.

While they laugh and scoff at his antics, his brain is ticking over with a new plan to get them out.

When they don’t take you seriously, they forget you’re a threat.

Here is to the high class buffoonery of Andre Nel.

Let’s hope like hell there is never another quite like him, as Scotland Yard don't need the extra work, but that there are several who are just as insane without the homicidal maniac bit.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"