This doesn't have a great deal to do with Cricket, and if your not Australian you may not know what I'm on about.
As I walk down the street this morning I’m overcome by the amount of people asking me how they should celebrate this nationalistic public holiday. Being a scholar and a gentleman, here are some of my responses for all of you to enjoy.
You’re an Australian, its Australia day, a public holiday, so do sweet fuck all. Sit on a couch, a beach chair, or a refugee and watch the cricket. Maybe chug some average brews, burn something on the bbq, and remember, a real Australian would get someone else to do the cooking, but would provide the brews.
Sledge someone, sledge anyone. Go to your local kwikemart and tell the dude behind the counter he makes slurpies like a poofter. Tell the girl at the Milk bar she only got the job cause she blows the owner. Park in a disabled spot, then when someone else does it, abuse them for doing so. Claim the winner in lotto, then when the guy at the counter asks to see the ticket, abuse him for not taking your word on it.
Go to an Australian day sale. If a company has supported our country by taking out an advertisement, and putting on a sale, the least you can do is make your way down their and buy a kettle. Remember our sunburnt land runs on capitalism and needs commerce so it can stay great, wholesome, pure and white. Buy something aussie, or be a commie hate monger hiding under some kids bed drinking vodka mixed with dogs blood while praying to allah.
Australia day celebrates the day we claimed this country from naked un Christian aborigines. Captain Cook discovered this land, after it had been discovered twice already. So in honour of that piss weak achievement, discover your backyard, and then ignore your dog, or if you’re a bastard, kick the dog, and if your dog gets angry, kill it, give it money or praise its athletic ability, unless it becomes a Muslim, then just diss it in the media.
This is the easy one, and it can also be transferred to any other country in the world for their national day. Do whatever the Americans do. I don’t mean invade your neighbour’s house and take his electricity, I mean 4th of July style. Fireworks, Hamburgers and celebrities. So invite over a big brother or neighbours star, eat maccas and blow some shit up. Uncle Sam wants you to.
Eat some lamb, according a television advert from a fat ex footballer (who never lived up to his potential, posed naked and played 4 games for Collingwood) it’s the Australian thing to do. I always listen to ex footballers, which means I pay women to help me masturbate, do drugs with young girls, buy pubs, put on weight, beat my missus, talk about depression, and complain about how football isn’t as good as it was in my day.
Now after having some beers, buying the kettle, eating some sheep, watching the cricket, discovering your back yard, and being American, you can finish your Australia day the way every 21st birthday has been finished in Australia since 1993, by standing in a circle of drunken sheep eaters and singing along with barnesy about Vietnam and Sydney. And if you don’t know what song I’m talking about then maybe you’re unaustralian and you should be deported to Russia, Nauru, New Zealand or somewhere equally depressing.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"
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