Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Freddie is not dead, praise the lord

True.

He has hurt his left side, which as you know, is 33% worse than discomfort.

He is being monitored.

No one is monitoring Owais Shah though.

And because of this he has sliced his eye ball open, he is a big fan of spanish surrealism.

The injury only happened because the 24 health care professionals they have over there are all working on Freddie's discomforting hurtness.

No cricketer should have to tend to his own eye.

It's obscene.

Injuries were sure to follow.

And now, Owais looks like this.

Which is cool, but it makes it harder to bat.

He doesn't have us fooled though, he is just wearing the eye patch to get the ladies.


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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Daredevil up

Aashrey's prize for winning the cric info competition, i can't remember which one.

The IPL now makes sense.

Last year it didn't.

If you weren’t from India, it was hard to pick a team.

Last year I flirted with Delhi.

But even with Sehwag they didn’t completely grab me, they were the team I wanted to win, but I had no real passion about it.

Now it’s different.

Delhi has been raiding the Australian cupboard and has a new look team, and even without a drug addict, they are the team to support.

There is something there for everyone.

They have God.

Gautham City Gambhir throwing around the elbows.

David Warner and his rollercoaster of hype.

Ab DeVilliers staying sharp.

Brett Geeves and his exceptional hair.

Daniel Vettori filling the thinking woman’s crumpet role.

Amit Mishra and his magical wrists.

Andrew McDonald with a bit of ginger in the mix.

Shoaib Malik as the latest dumped test captain to feel sorry for.

Glenn McGrath and the general grumpiness.

Maharoof as the smiling version of McGrath.

And most importantly, the wild bestial nature that comes from the one, the only, Dirty Dirk Nannes.

That is one hell of a line up.

Go Delhi.

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Is Paul Collignwood my friend?

Facebook thinks so.

But no.

Those who know facebook will be aware of the people you may know tool.

You know the one with the people you hope don't notice you and try and add you.

According to this Paul Collingwood is someone i may no.

I do not.

Facebook should really look into this, the system is clearly broken.

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Shoaib Malik not sacked, and not captain

Some may be surprised to know that Pakistan still plays cricket, and not just in the ICL.

Well they do.

And Shoaib Malik used to be captain.

Then,

"We haven't sacked Malik. In fact, I met Malik and told him about the situation, as the whole nation felt disappointed over the team's poor performance and a lot of people wanted a change. That is why I requested Malik to step down and he gracefully accepted"
Said some anal retentive administracrat trying to save face and give good PR.

Wanker.

Ofcourse he was fucken sacked.

The quote should have been,

"Look we got fucken whacked by Sri Lanka and i looked at Shoaib and realised he was a work experience boy wearing his daddy's green pyjamas and thought, fuck this, oi kid, sorry you are out, someone get Younis on the phone".
So now Younis Elvis Khan is taking over.

The person who was supposed to be captain anyway, but apparently wanted staliniesque powers before, so they chose Mailk.

Now they have caved in, and South Australia's second best batsmen is captain of Pakistan.

Ofcourse the position is an honorary title in test cricket.

cricketwithballs

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still looking

The Balls still needs someone who can draw.

So if you can draw, that is great, email me at cwb@cricketwithballs.com and we'll talk about drawing for the balls.


cricketwithballs

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Cook is up

The other day I wrote about how lucky Strauss had been to be the right man at the right time.

Put Alistair Cook in that basket at well.

He is England’s vice captain, even given his status as FEC it seems like a random decision.

He hasn’t made a century since 2007.

He seems to have no real personality at this stage.

Doesn’t seem to be able to catch.

To me Freddie is the automatic choice.

Cook is the future planning move, but if Strauss is injured or dropped, do we really think Cook will take over?

Strauss gets 3 years, and then the smooth move to Cook.

If everything goes well it all makes sense, if Cook can start making hundreds, and has a strategic cricket mind.

His career one day strike rate of 68 in one day cricket means that England’s hope of a universal captain may have to stay on the shelf.

And if Cook ever becomes a top notch 2020 player I will but out my anus and cook and eat it. Pun probably intended.

Good luck to Cook though, I bet we will see Strauss deferring to him during tense moments a lot.


cricketwithballs

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Monday, January 26, 2009

Roy, you are fucked

Apparently Michael Brown is to be making the decision on Andrew Symonds’ career.

Don’t know who Michael Brown is, well not that long ago he said this,

“I saw a report recently that stated there were around 4000 reported cases of drink spiking last year … and higher-profile athletes and celebrities can be targeted.”

At the time he was talking about Krazy Krejza’s Kokaine abuse in 2006.

So the man who thought Krejza was a higher profile athlete or celebrity before his 12 wicket debut is the man who is making a decision on Andrew Symonds.

Poor Andrew Symonds.

Imagine if a man with such a poor grip on reality was looking after your career.

Kill yourself now Roy.

Or you know, just sign another huge contact to the IPL.

cricketwithballs

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Best news ever

Dirty Dirk has penetrated India.

She shall never be the same.

cricketwithballs

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Willet overshadows Warner

Remember the name Akito Willett.

Because it is cool.

It belongs to a 20 year old St Kitts player who on his first class debut picked up a pack of 5 wickets against England.

Take that David Warner, he has played one first class game and has a 5 for against an international side, so make a hundred you under achiever.

He also has a way cooler name than Warner, which i suppose says more for Akito's aparents than anything else.

Why am i writing about this kid, well he is a leg spinner, so he is more than just a cool name.

Cricinfo has no profile on him, so i though't i'd fill in the blanks.

CWB profile: Akito Willett

Born in the depths of hell, Akito moves like liquid wind and was made by the devil's own handyman. The future wicket taking behemoth is a vicious predator intent on destruction though his elegant brutality. The devil was oerheard to say, "He shall be made up of the best dead cricketers we have, give him Clarrie's wrists, Tiger's Brain, Worrell's heart, Walcott's schlong and the mousey genius of Lance Gibbs." High praise indeed. The legend has it that when Akito was born Courtyney Walsh broke down in tears, it is only now we know why, he knew his record, which he did not hold at the time, would one day be broken by this Legspinning Damien. Although Akito is only 20, and has only played one breath taking first class game, we are sure that by the time his career finishes you will hear the name Akito Willet and sigh.


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pantsed at home

South Africa beating Australia at home in One Dayers isn’t quite as impressive as doing it in the tests.

Australia has been ugly in one dayers at home for ages.

India and England have won the last two one day tournaments.

And many a team has beaten them at home over the last 3 or so years.

Australia has probably played better in this series than they did in the last two tournaments.

South Africa has played pretty well, they try this thing called consistency, wacky concept, but it seems to be enough against Australia at the moment.

Albie Morkel seems to have reinvigorated them.

Because they were fucking horrible in England 6 months ago.

Sure they mentally checked out of that series, but they also had Smith in charge, not some weirdly ignored “spinner”.

Will be interesting to see how Australia goes on the road, as their travelling one day form has been pretty good for a while now.


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Our new home

From February 1, cricket with balls will be at cricketwithballs.com.

Sure there will be automatic redirection, and reminders on that day, but i thought you would like to know why one day the site looks a little different.

I know a few have already been over there.

If you haven't feel free to pop over.


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Flintoff is DEAD

And by that we mean injured.

Actually by that we mean he has discomfort.

In his left side.

This would mean he has a pimple on his left hip.

A big pimple.

I am not really sure what is wrong with him.

If I was a doctor and he came in with discomfort I'd give him valium.

That would help too.

This Freddie discomfort means he is out of the match, and England have replaced him in the live match with Stuart Broad.

Now i don't know the first class rules back to front, but surely this means this is no longer a first class match.

Which means Akito Willet is still without a first class match, but let them try take his 5 wickets off him, then you will see me really angry.


cricketwithballs

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Pietersen to hit purple patch

[b]Not everyone triumphs in adversity, but the former England captain is one player who can be relied upon to produce the goods when the going gets tough.
[/b]
It is generally accepted that Kevin Pietersen will have no problem in returning to the ranks of the England team. This belief is based upon the fact that the former captain is well-suited to looking after his own game and ignoring the effects of the Peter Moores / captaincy fiasco. Cricket is the most individual of team sports and there is no one quite as individual-orientated as Pietersen.

The ousted skipper showed the necessary single-mindedness in his rapid ton against St Kitts XI to suggest a high volume of runs will be the proof of his rehabilitation. Pietersen claims to struggle with concentration against lesser attacks but focus will not be a problem in the Caribbean. The runs will flow faster than the drinks at the Barmy Army’s hotels.

It helps of course, that Pietersen is in decent nick. His majestic 144 in Mohali was his fifth ton in 10 Tests and so confidence, not usually an elusive run-scoring requirement for Pietersen, will not be in short supply, despite the recent rumours of team-mate back-stabbing.

The effect of confidence on run-scoring cannot be under-estimated. If the likes of Pietersen and 2008 top Test runscorer Graeme Smith can be backed to achieve in adversity, then it follows that less brash and forthright characters will struggle when the chips are down.

Two of the world’s in-form batsmen, JP Duminy and Tillakaratne Dilshan, fit into that category and probably started 2008 wondering if they had international futures.

Duminy, constantly in and out of South Africa’s One Day international middle order, endured a torrid series in England and appeared as far from a regular Test spot as he ever had been.

Dilshan, a more successful Sri Lankan version of Vikram Solanki, has failed to properly display his array batting, bowling, fielding and wicket-keeping skills. Moved up and down and in and out of the team, his confidence appeared at an all-time low during last year’s Indian Premier League.

However, both players enjoyed themselves against poor quality opposition towards the end of the year and went on to produce the best form of their careers against higher calibre bowling.

New-found confidence was the root cause of their respective renaissances and it is for this reason that Pietersen can be expected to produce his best in 2009. He has never lost his confidence, but he will now be more determined to utilise it. Watch out West Indies.

Written by Philip Oliver, a sports writer who blogs about cricket betting.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Shaun Tait's use

Someone asked me recently what use Shaun Tait is.

There are several really.

His media work has always made me laugh.

Watching the speed gun when he bowls.

Nothing better than satching him hit the stumps.

But the main reason is useful is because he hits alot of batsmen.

That has got to be the major reason to watch him bowl.

Ab De Villiers got one that splattered his hip, and gave him a couple of games off.

Now Mark Boucher has a toe that has been completely mangled by Tait.

It's bad enough to send him home, but to have people worried about the test series as well is a pretty good effort.

That must be one fucked up toe.

This is what Tait brings to the table.

He might not always hit the pitch, but he hit's enough batsmen to keep me interested.

I don't think about batsmen get hurt these days.

There should be more of it, as i have said before.


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McCullum's big haul

10 runs off 11 balls.

One lump of shit controversy.

6000 clams.

And off he goes.

As far as easy pay days go, it's not too shabby.

Right at the moment they probably aren't the most expensive runs in the history or cricket.

Although if they happen to end the career of Roy, they might go close.

McCullum had almost no impact on the result of the game, may not get to play for NSWales in the champion's league anyway, can add a title to his cv, goodwill from Otago Junior cricket club and gets some respect for the way he handled being a lump of cow dirt.

All in all, was a good trip from him.

I think he can do more though.

He should be ringing the top South African teams and seeing if there is a space available there.

Not to mention the Pakistani and English contenders.

I refuse to accept that he might not be playing in the champion's league.

If this looks like happening, Lalit Modi should have another player kidnapped and bring Brendan in as his replacement.

Especially as the Prince will surely donate his Champion's league cheque to another charity.

Once he has done that he should auction off his baggy green for charity as well, you know, the one he gets for playing for NSWales.

cricketwithballs

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Roy, Drunkards aren’t in this season

There was a time in Australian cricket where doing an interview drunk would have been par for the course.

Many fans, Australian or otherwise, still feel the same way.

How many press conferences have you heard players wank on about playing hard, respecting the opposition and so forth whilst wishing they would say anything interesting.

One sure way to make sure we pay attention to player interviews would be to feed them alcohol before hand.

As much as we might think Roy is a dickhead right now, at least we know what he really thinks of the NSWales decision to pull in Prince Brendan for the 2020 final.

Calling Brendan McCullum a “lump of shit” may have been the reason he got peoples attention, but it all starts when you say the truth.

Now Roy may be a bit of a dickhead, and over the last 2 years his brain may have actually turned into boiled cabbage, but at least he is saying what he thinks, not what he thinks people think he should think.

How he said it was less than classy, but that he said something he felt deeply enough he said when he was sober (the day before without the shit comment), and then when he was drunk, so we know he really felt it.

Do you agree with him, well that is up to you, but he said something, an actual something, something that Jeremy Snape and his brand of sports quacks wouldn’t have liked, something that he felt.

Cricket Australia will crack down on him, this is a family cricket team now, and with his previous indiscretions they will feel the need to do something to him.

I am just not sure it is called for, he said Lump of Shit, he didn’t say Brendan McCullum is a mother fucker who deserves to be shot on site when he enters Australia, he didn't even call him a terrorist or a paedophile.

Did he make an error of judgement, probably, but really, what is a lump of shit between friends?

Some of my best friends are lumps of shit.

Had he not said Lump of Shit, his drunken performance may have gone unnoticed.

Now it might end his career.

I want to live in a world where a player can be asked a question and answer “yeah I had to do that, the coach told me to, he is a lump of shit.”

Not sure James Sutherland will share my visions of a lump of shit utopia.

Few do.


cricketwithballs

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Saturday, January 24, 2009

the bushrangers lose

Go here for an in depth review of the 2020 final.


cricketwithballs

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the horror the horror

Fuck me.

So close, and yet fuck me.

I started off with the live score, then i tried to find it on the radio, nothing.

Ball by ball is as good as i can get.

Following a game of cricket on the net that means this much to you is like letting a doctor operate on your cock while you are fully conscious, as he is updating his status on twitter.

It took me 5 minutes to find out about Bryce's double wicket over.

What kind of world is this?

Cric info stalled.

Cricket.com.au died.

At one stage i had no scores coming through at all.

I was screaming at the computer, i was howling at the moon, and had started planning jihads, but the fucker comes back on.

And what do i see, 2 sixes off Bryce, one fumbled over the line.

Fucken kill me.

Now i don't know if i want the scores.

I pace, curse and refresh, for the last 4 overs.

Not wanting to know the score, but fucken screaming if i don't hear it.

I can actually feel my heart giving way, and i've need to take a dump for 45 minutes.\

Half way around the world i may be, but i feel as if i am there, albeit with a blind fold on.

And then the game, up down, up down, and Quiney bowls the last over and i am distraught.

Where is Harwood, how could McDonald not bowl Harwood in the last over, what the fuck is going on.

And then HARWOOD fields the last ball, what the fuck is going on.

Vics lose, and i am crestfallen and confused.

I throw my hat to the ground, i pace faster, i call NSWales mother fucking cunts, i ask how fucken tinny assed one state can be.

I get the text from big daddy, "fuuuuuuuuuck".

And i feel numb.

cricketwithballs

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Help me

Can someone give me a link to the vics nsw game on the radio.

I'm going mental.

cricketwithballs

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See what happens if you don't pay me for a plug

Some PR chap sent me an email.

He hasn't offered me any payment though.

But as i think some of you may be interested anyway, here it is, with Jrod comments.

CALLING ALL TRAVEL HUNGRY CRICKET FANS!!
JOHNNIE WALKER® launches search for globe-trotting cricket fans

They lost me at two exclamation points.

Are you crazy about cricket and hungry to experience a journey of discovery? Are you an aspiring travel writer, presenter, journalist or photographer? Then read on...

A journey of discovery, can you make a journey of undiscovery, i'd like to go one one of those.

Johnnie Walker has launched a major three-month search for two ambassadors to embark on the ultimate adventure â€" to travel from their local pub in Australia, through nine countries over land and sea, taking cricket through Singapore, Malaysia, Thailand, Laos, Vietnam, China, Hong Kong, Mongolia and Russia*.

Seriously, if you win this, go to that village in Mongolia where the women are in charge, they'll teach you how to use cricket bats.

The trip ends in London with a chance to watch Australia take on England in the npower 2009 Ashes Test at Lord’s.

Nice use of npower.

Johnnie Walker is calling for all travel-hungry cricket fans to demonstrate how they would set up an impromptu cricket game with anyone, anywhere by submitting video clips or images to www.localtolords.com

This is where people should inundate them with cat clips and Craig McDermott's home videos.

The judging committee including Inside Cricket and Getaway presenter Brendon Julian will be looking for cricketing ability; desire for adventure and enthusiasm, initiative and creativity; charisma, charm, social skills; and the ability to teach cricket to non-cricketers.

Julian, that's all we need.

A unique career opportunity for any budding writer, photographer, reporter or aspiring presenter, candidates will be challenged to document their adventures as they travel, including cricketing tests set by the man who’s so good they call him ‘Mr. Cricket’, Mike Hussey.

Firstly Mr Cricket is a stupid nickname, and here we call him King Probot.

Hussey said: “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for two adventurers to go on a unique cricket tour. They’ll take cricket to far-away, non-cricketing countries and will be constantly faced with many challenges, both mental and physical, before seeing me and the boys in action at Lord’s.”

Will they give the tickets to Hussey if he is dropped by then?

The Johnnie Walker Local to Lord’s search will culminate in a grand final on 26th February 2009, where short-listed applicants will bat(tle) down to the last wicket.

Memo to JW, don't use a cricket related pun if you have to use () it's just not cricket.

I am assuming this is only open to Australians, although it doesnt say.

Whoever wins should do every report drunk, and finish it with the phrase "Report Sensibly".


cricketwithballs
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Do you think he is drunk?

Profernity sent through the link to the Andrew Symonds' interview.

He sounds extremely tired and emotional.

Thoughts?

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We are that type of boot

Friday, January 23, 2009

Wanna draw for the balls

If there is anyone out there that can draw, and would like to donate a free drawing for the balls, we could use your help.

We are looking for a very special drawing involving natalie portman and cricket.

So if you can help out, please email us at cwb@cricketwithballs.com

cheers


cricketwithballs

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Morkel fined by Roy for UnAustralian behaviour

I couldn’t be bothered watching the one dayer.

Does that make me a bad cricket fan?

Should I be punished?

I heard Warner, Gibbs and Morkel did well.

Wonder which one of the three will get the most press for it.

Is Warner Elvis yet?

Cricket Australia is writing his contract as we speak, two more half centuries and he gets Tasmania as a bonus.

When he makes a hundred he gets Megan Gale.

Seems fair.

And Morkel, fuck me if he isn’t getting better and better.

Thought he had a pretty good IPL tournament, but more with the ball, now he is getting the job done frequently.

And Gibbs, see what rehab can do kiddies…


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What you can do in 3 weeks

Watch the film 4 months, 3 weeks & 2 days 267 times straight.

If you were pregnant, your baby would be a blob that could not be seen by the naked eye.

This guy says you can get 10,000 links in 3 weeks, although it sounds like shit to me.

These people spent 3 weeks in New Zealand, actually they spent 23 days, dirty fucken liars.

This is the guide of how to get into shorts in 3 weeks time, it has never taken me 3 weeks to put on shorts.

You can have tinnitus for 3 weeks.

You can be in captivity for 3 weeks.

You can wait for your Ipod for 3 weeks.

Or you can be a Pom and play in the IPL for 3 weeks.*


*Doubtful if you are Paul Collingwood.

cricketwithballs

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A letter to the Vics

Go with the aliens lads.


cricketwithballs

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Is Prince Brendan a lump of shit?

It’s doubtful.

However I have never taken a specimen from him.

Roy certainly seems to think so.

But is Roy a doctor, does he have the expertise to really clarify whether the Prince is a piece of faeces.

Why Roy is so pissed off with the Prince is anyone’s guess.

His comments to Roy & HG (another roy) are just plainly odd.

“They're trying to use him (McCullum) as the out because he's a Kiwi. Yep, we love to hate them, but he's the lump of s---, sorry, lump of cow dirt, that people are thinking of.”
What the fuck does this even mean?

Cow dirt?

Then he starts talking about Hayden’s food tasting better when he looks at Mrs Hayden.
Isn’t perving on your mates missus UnAustralian?

Either have a crack at her, or leave it alone.

What is going on in the head of his?

It's as if the spirit of Anna Nicole Smith has entered him.

We can now only hope that he wins an award on AB medal night, his speech could go a little something like this...

"Well fuck me, look at yous cunts, you all fucken.... and now here i am, and you is just lumps of fucken cow dirt. look at kellie, fucken hot, wanna eat her ass up with a spoon james stop fucken looking at me like that don't you think i am beautiful though, i am pretty oh so pretty, i fuck this, and michael i banged lara, that's right cunt fuck yous all."
One thing we know, Him And Prince Brendan will never be friends now.

Once you have called someone a lump of cow dirt, there is just no coming back from that.


cricketwithballs

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Dirty Dirk gets backed

Remember the days when the only time you heard Dirty Dirk's name was from me.

Well those days are over.

He now has his name on many a different forum.

Like here, where Greg Shipperd publicly backs my claim that Dirty Dirk should be in the Australian 2020 side.

Or here, where he talks about how good he is, and how Middlesex taught him stuff, and no, it's not how to lose.

In that article he finishes with this quote,

"If it was down to me I would pick me!"
I refuse to believe Dirk has ever said anything that would require a exclamation point.

The quote is also reminiscent of what another Victorian said in a TWC piece once, but i digress.

It is a sad day when one of my boys goes on to get his own press.

I just have to accept it, my little raging animal fast bowler is all grown up.

All growns up i tellz ya.

I just hope the rest of the media world treat him as fair and balanced as i have.

Fly my pretty.


cricketwithballs

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Sehwag tries not to be so damn good

Sehwag was asked about his England destroyation innings in the 4th innings.

"I didn’t want to hit those fours. I kept telling Gautam (Gambhir) that I wouldn’t hit fours. But they kept bowling short and I kept square-cutting. And they all were fours.

Out of the first eight fours, six were from square-cuts. Gautam just told me to bat as I normally do. But I really didn’t want to hit fours on the fourth evening!

Eventually we finished the day on 133 for one and the platform for a win was firmly established."
Pure unintentional genius.

That is the power of Sehwagology.

If you haven't converted, try not to, but the force will draw you in.

Thanks to Justin for pointing this out to me.

cricketwithballs

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Victoria in full flight

Moses, a closet victorian fan, was so inspired by Victoria's win, he put up a clip from the win.

It involves Shane Harwood hitting Christ Hartley and Adam Crosthwaite clapping in his face.

You really should see it.

At my site though, don't go to Mose's site.

Ever.

cricketwithballs

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county gets half a million

558,950 attended county cricket games this year.

Comparing that to Australian domestic cricket that sounds like a shit load.

Ofcourse there are 76 county teams, and they all play 65 county matches.

Roughly.

Apparently the crowd averages out to 2000 people per county match.

I went to 4 county games this year, and only one of them would have had 2000 and it was the championship decider that Liam Dawson made his ton that I mentioned in the last post.

The first Shoaib Ahktar game i saw would have struggled to break a thousand, his second game, might have pushed 1500.

The game i saw down at Kent probably had close to a thousand.

In essence it's the same sort of crowds Australian shield games get, but there are more games.

Also 1000 people down in Kent does seem a few people, most of my state games have been at the MCG where 1000 people seems like 3.


Covering all 4 of England's domestic crowd the total came to 1.5 million people.

Sure there ae alot of games played, but that sounds pretty damn healthy to me.

That could fill the MCG 15 times over.

cricketwithballs

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Another one for the balls

Surely you guys know how this works by now.

I give someone a wrap, and them their career goes sky rocketing.

Liam Dawson was one I gave a huge wrap to.

He is even on the players we like list.

And that was before I saw his debut first class hundred in the flesh against a limping Eyelids.

Well now, thanks to me, his career has gone forward, he has been picked for the England Lions team, which is a fancy way of saying England A.

Not a bad effort for an 18 year old.

Or from a 29 year old blogger.

So this is how it works now Liam, you can either dedicate your first book to me, let me ghost write your first book, name for your first son Jrod, or give me inside tips on the English change room when you get there.

It’s only fair.

cricketwithballs

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Prince Brendan reunited with his boring older man

The Australian 2020 competition just got weirder.

I started with Sohail Tanvir.

Then it got way weirder with Umar Gul.

And now it is just fucken odd.

Prince Brendan McCullum is playing.

Only one game though.

The final.

What does that tell you?

South Australia are rubbish.

Western Australia cannot produce quality quick bowlers.

And NSWales is afraid of losing to Victoria.

Soft cocks.

Victoria has no Hodge, Hussey, or White, and NSWales has still opened the cheque book.

Pussies.

Ok the truth is probably further from my truth.

Prince Brendan and NSWales are planning for the Champion’s league.

The Prince is making sure he has double the chance of making the big league, and NSWales are employing a heavy hitter in case their top Australian players are busy, and also someone they know is proven in 2020 cricket in India.

It makes sense, even if it does seem mercenary.

Plus Prince Brendan hasn't been the same since he separated from his soulmate, word's most bring man Matthew Mott, in India.

They are meant to be together, even if the NZC don't agree.

Victoria are probably shitty they didn’t think of it first, but with Hodge injured, perhaps they have made a call to Matthew Sinclair already, if not Jesse or Ross.

Not everyone is happy though, Andrew Symonds, who once used a loophole in county cricket to keep a kid who actually planned to play for England out of the side, called it UnAustralian.

Actually it’s very Australian.

Do anything you can to win a meaningless tournament.

Can’t get more Australian than that.

It is however UnNewZealandian to let a player play for cash in Australia, usually it’s India.

cricketwithballs

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hayden v zaheer

Gideon Haigh is all over Matthew Hayden's retirement over here, although, not once is his Christianity mocked, no one is perfect.

He has illuminated why Zaheer Khan hates Matthew Hayden so much.

It's from the 2003 world cup, and i was there, but i couldn't hear the sledging, surprisingly.

I had heard before that Hayden had said things that Zaheer had held onto to this very day.

According to Gideon, those words were,

"Smell that, Z? That's your house in India burning down."

It's ridiculous, funny, hurtful, and brilliantly cutting, surprising that Hayden came up with it.

It's so good that you can see why it has driven Zaheer against Hayden and Australia from them on in.

Don't tell me sledging isn't good, look at the furiousness on Khan's face when he bowls to Hayden.

cricketwithballs

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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

David, would you like some warm milk before bed

the Australian cricket community is trying to give david warner a spiritual group hug.

Don’ put pressure on him.

Treat him nicely.

He needs to relax.

Don’t drop him harshly.

Is he a cricketer or a recovering heroin addict?

If the boy can’t handle pressure, fuck him off.

If the boy needs special treatment, he can become a superstar of world cricket and it will be given to him.

If the boy can’t learn to relax on his own, telling him to do so won’t fucken help.

Drop him when he deserves to be dropped, pick him when he deserves to be picked.

It’s all so simple.

Sure he hit the crap out of the ball in his first game, but that doesn’t give you a special ride for life.

You still have to perform under pressure like every other mother fucker with a bat.

There is no special treatment for fantastical debuts.

Ask Jason Krejza.

His 12 wickets away from home against the best players of spin the Aliens have created shits down the throat of Warner’s 2020 debut.

And Krejza was dropped next game.

That his how cricket goes.

No one in South Africa, or whoever Warner plays against are going to give him special treatment because of his debut.

They are just going to try get the kid out.

And if they get him out a lot, then he should be dropped, if not, he makes it.

So fuck off the kiddy gloves and warm milk treatment.

No one wants players who can only perform when everyone is being nice to them, we want players who perform under the strictest torture cricket can allow.

If Warner is really that good, he wont need people being nice to him, he will just get the job done.

cricketwithballs

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Malcolm flogs the skeleton of a horse

Malcolm Conn of the Australian hates the IPL.

It features negatively in almost every article he writes that also include the word injury.

The reason is simple, he was you young woman who was kidnapped by Lalit Modi.

Lalit tied him up, and sniffed him like a line of coke, and Malcolm has never forgiven the dashing entrepreneur.

The truth has to come out people.

Look at this article, which should be all about the glory that is Bryce McGain.

Instead he just attacks the IPL.

Here is his first broad side.

"Even though almost a full national team is on the sidelines, Cricket Australia denies it is due to excessive workload or players competing in the IPL."

Then he writes this.

"Besides McGain returning from injury, the national side is also missing Clark, Jaques, Brett Lee, Andrew Symonds, Shane Watson, Michael Clarke and Peter Siddle."

And then this

"He (Michael Brown, some CA adminstracrat) claimed it was a "long bow" to suggest the IPL in April and May last year had a significant impact on some players, although Matthew Hayden was never able to reproduce his form after a long-term Achilles tendon injury and has since retired."

The first one says that almost a full national team are injured at the moment, and the IPL is used as one of two possible reasons.

Then he shows the players who are injured, 5 of the 8 he mentions never played in the IPL.

Of the three that did, Lee & Symonds have had holidays due to non cricket related reasons, and Watson is a jelly bean player, he is always fucking injured, plus he has not played a home test this summer.

So the chance that the IPL had anything to do with their injuries are slim at best.

He then moves onto his "Hayden was ruined by the IPL" mainstay.

I have mentioned this before as well, Hayden was injured in the IPL.

But he is also thirty fucken eight years old, and according to Hayden he has had chronic problems with his achillies even before the IPL.

He doesn't mention Brad Haddin's constant finger injuries, whilst thinking about the IPL, and Mitchell Johnson's resting through tiredness related to be asked about the IPL.

Is there a chance of being injured in the IPL, yes, but surely there is more of a chance being injured in county cricket, as their is more cricket, proper cricket, and the fact you may have to carry your team mates on your back.

Clarke, Clark and Jaques have all played county cricket, perhaps that's what caused their injuries?

You have to give him credit for the title of the article, No-pain McGain, surely that could be another nickname for him.


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Andrew for Mayor

When a disaster happens, most people fall apart.

People panic, the scuttle, they let moment get to them, and they need someone to step up.

If you are lucky, smart, and quick to adapt you can make the most of it.

Like Rudy Guilianni.

Before September XI he was an uptight prude who wanted to clean New York of all its beautiful depravities.

Comedians mocked him.

Documentary makers mocked him.

And he was the butt of many a New Yorkers cutting witticisms.

Now look at him, New Yorkers praise him like Babe Ruth, he was popular enough to run for President (however badly), talk shows added him to their roster and he has even had a cameo in a Adam Sandler film.

All of this brings us to Andrew Strauss.

Before the Mumbai attacks, and the KP attacks, he was a opening batsmen who had just regained his place in the team, and the average cricket fan thought very little about him.

He started with a bang, proboted about in the middle, disappeared, and then had made a few good starts upon his return.

He was practically no ones favourite cricketer.

Then Mumbai happens, and he stands up and says we must go back for the good of the game, and people go, look at this fella he certainly has some balls on him.

Then when he gets there, he makes one of the most powerful statements with a cricket bat I have ever seen, and I have never been a huge Strauss fan.

You have to respect him for making two centuries in that match, it was a brilliant effort.

Then the KP attacks start, and England duck for cover and pick their most sensinble option as captain.

Now Strauss is the main man of English cricket, a job he probably thinks he should have had years ago, and he is man handling the media with aplomb.

He is talking up KP, he is making all the right noises about the players having to look after their selves, and the nonsense of the English Press does not seem to even effect him.

Sure he hasn’t captained yet.

You know, on the field like, and there is still a chance he will be rubbish at it, but no one has made a better grasp at two shit house situations than him.

In my eyes, he went from a proboting lifeless opener, to someone I can respect.

Strauss was never the butt of my jokes, mostly because I ignored him, but I will ignore him no more.


cricketwithballs

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Did i inspire Iain O'Blogger?

Some of you may remember my unsuccessful application to be black caps COACH.

Perhaps it was not as unsuccessful as we first thought.

Look at this section,

"WEB 2.0 INITIATIVES

All players to regularly blog, facebook and come up with their own MySpace page, I love that retro stuff. This is to allow fans to connect with the players and have a meshing of the minds, avatars and souls, we call it synergy."

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monty gets mugged

No really.

Near the wanderers.

True story.


cricketwithballs

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Vics in final, world feels warmer, softer, better

That is right, it feels better, go read all about it.


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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Australia retain there near perfect ignorance of Pakistan

The PCB know the writing is on the wall.

Australia aint going to Pakistan in April for a bunch of one dayers.

Not now, not then, and probably never.

It’s now over 10 years since Australia visited Pakistan, and that isn’t about to end soon.

Other sides have gone, all have made it out alive.

Imran Khan said this in Australia,

“Terrorists rely on support from the masses because that's where they get their recruits, and cricket is a game which is so loved and there's such passion in Pakistan, that the terrorists know that if a cricket match is bombed, they've had it. "The public will just turn against them."

He has a point.

You would have to be a fucken dumb terrorist to attack the game of the people.

However I am guessing it only takes one dumb terrorist to blow up a bus.

I have no problem with Australia not touring Pakistan, if they didn’t tour other countries with constant terrorist activity.

Don’t say no to Pakistan and yes to India.

And its that hypocrisy, and also the hypocrisy of sending an A team to Pakistan and not the main team that really shits me.

If Mumbai and London has taught us anything, it’s that Cricket is not safe from terrorism anywhere on the map.

The MCG has had Australian terrorists wanting to blow it up.

This shit goes on everywhere.

Since 98 Australia has played one dayers against Pakistan in Kenya and India, reflect on that.


“We want Australia to play in Pakistan but our first priority is to ensure the series is played. We have to be realistic, flexible and pragmatic about having this series”.

Ejaz Butt said that, he knows that getting an Australian to Pakistan is like getting a Born Again Christian in an orgy.

The home series for Pakistan will now go ahead in England, Malaysia or some other place where the terrorists wont scare the Australians much.

Well as long as the aussies don’t take the tube.

There is one sure way to get Australian's into Pakistan, but it involves New York, Afghanistan, Republicans, and who has the time.

cricketwithballs

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The King & I

Recently King Cricket and I got down and dirty over at TWC discussing Matthew Hayden.

It's actually not a bad little post, but i suppose when you get two heavyweights slug it out to the death it's always good to watch.

Take a gander.

cricketwithballs

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David, would you ike some warm milk before bed

the Australian cricket community is trying to give david warner a spiritual group hug.

Don’ put pressure on him.

Treat him nicely.

He needs to relax.

Don’t drop him harshly.

Is he a cricketer or a recovering heroin addict?

If the boy can’t handle pressure, fuck him off.

If the boy needs special treatment, he can become a superstar of world cricket and it will be given to him.

If the boy can’t learn to relax on his own, telling him to do so won’t fucken help.

Drop him when he deserves to be dropped, pick him when he deserves to be picked.

It’s all so simple.

Sure he hit the crap out of the ball in his first game, but that doesn’t give you a special ride for life.

You still have to perform under pressure like every other mother fucker with a bat.

There is no special treatment for fantastical debuts.

Ask Jason Krejza.

His 12 wickets away from home against the best players of spin the Aliens have created shits down the throat of Warner’s 2020 debut.

And Krejza was dropped next game.

That his how cricket goes.

No one in South Africa, or whoever Warner plays against are going to give him special treatment because of his debut.

They are just going to try get the kid out.

And if they get him out a lot, then he should be dropped, if not, he makes it.

So fuck off the kiddy gloves and warm milk treatment.

No one wants players who can only perform when everyone is being nice to them, we want players who perform under the strictest torture cricket can allow.

If Warner is really that good, he wont need people being nice to him, he will just get the job done.

cricketwithballs

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Monday, January 19, 2009

Sreesanth gets motivation from his business manager

That title is true and accurate.

Also scary as fuck.

"My business manager got T-shirts for me from Mumbai with messages on them. The one that I have now reads 'I never give up. That is the mantra for me, I dont want to give up ever, just keep fighting,"
See.

His business manager, what does a bloke outside of test cricket need a business manager for, and how many managers does he have, does he have a posse of managers for varying occasions?

I am glad he is never giving up, i do miss his crazy antics, not sure if the t shirts are required though.

The motivation goes further though, it has infected his phone.

"The ringtones of my cell phones keep me going, especially the title song of Rocky 5"
Rocky V?

You mean the one where Rocky trains a kid who turns on him, and then belts said kid up in the street.

This is what is firing you up?

A tacky sentimental boxing film about a brain damaged ex champ who gets his missus confused with his dead trainer and who ends broke in Philidelphia with a pussy as a son.

This is what you want Sreesanth?

You sick fucker.

No wonder you entertain us.

cricketwithballs

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Bogan calls Supervillain a kaffir

Some Tasmanian fool has called Morne Morkel a racist term.

Just like it says in the title.

This Tasmanian has been charged with racial vilification or something.

He should also be taught a little about the word.

Kaffir: a blanket term for black southern Africans.

Now I have seen Morne Morkel in the flesh, the white flesh.

See the problem here, calling a white person a black person’s slur is a bit stupid.

If you are going to be a racist, try and be an intelligent about it.

According to the South African press “It is apparently quite normal in Australia for South Africans, irrespective of their race, to be referred to as kaffirs”.

I’m not saying it’s not true, but I will say this, I lived with a South African, worked with a bunch of them, and had others as friends, never have I heard a South African be called a kaffir.

The last time I remember hearing the phrase was in the Power of One.

And it wasn’t directed at Stephen Dorff.

cricketwithballs

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bryce has a message for me

Well according to the suave one he does.

Can i just say, it's nice that people keep mentioning me today, makes it much easier to post.

cricketwithballs

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Freddy talk's up England's Dr Phil

"If anyone's got a problem they go straight to Harmy. He's got his door open every time. He's got his DVDs. It's almost as if Harmy's room has become the team room or the common room for everyone. There's people coming and going all the time."Freddie

I want to know what magical DVDs Harmy uses to help the english players with their problems.

I bet he has showed Andrew Strauss Zulu like 83 times.

cricketwithballs

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Vote for FPM

Tell me you wouldn't vote for this man.

Cheers to Cricket action art.

cricketwithballs

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blackcaps REVIEWED

Those newly disease free Kiwis at Sportsfreak take a long hard look at their boys against the Windies.

Reviewing the West Indies was reasonably easy; they fit nicely into 3 distinct groups. Rating the New Zealand players is not so straight forward. With eh exception of SINCLAIR, everyone did something decent, without owning it.

So we’ll do it in some kind of rough batting order.

The one constant in the test opening partnership over the last year has been JAMIE HOW. He’s had a revolving door at the other end; BELL, REDMOND and MCINTOSH, but there’s always been HOW.

But they’ve done his head in; he’s lacking confidence, he’s pushing at it too hard and he still has yet to register a test century. The only time he looked comfortable was in the aborted run chase in the Napier test. The perennial itch of openers still remains.

Then out of the backblocks of Auckland along came MCINTOSH and GUPTILL, and suddenly NZ has a couple of openers with international centuries in their first couple of matches. Both showed maturity and composure when it mattered, and openers scoring centuries is not something to be sniffed at.

But it’s a funny game; both innings featured dropped sitters early on, and the cameo appearance of SINCLAIR towards the end of the ODI series proved that flashy starts do not guarantee long careers.

In the tests FLYNN was really solid, and added to the strange rock-like look about the top order. But, really, just leave him in the test side for the time being. He is not an ODI, let alone a T20, player at the moment. He does not look comfortable having to play shots in his first hour at the crease, and in the last ODI he tore down his reputation for being able to keep his head.

RYDER’S series looks like it will be remembered for the fact that he missed a team meeting. But don’t forget his consistency in the test series. 3 innings and 3 scores of 50+; a series average of over 100, he looked the business.

Part of the reason he looked the business was that he was batting in his right place. In years to come people will look at the scorecards from the Australian tour and wonder why RYDER and FLYNN were batting the wrong way around. A fitting headstone on the Bracewell grave.

TAYLOR never got into the test series, but restored faith with his ODI performances. If he can continue to play himself in before reaching for the axe he’ll be able to build that consistency that he’s capable of. Well done ANDY MOLES.

It’s easy to forget, but ORAM was picked for the test series. He pulled out. He played in the T20 matches, and made it half way through the ODI series before breaking again. Should be fit again by April.

STYRIS played half a T20 game as well. Not many people know that.

So onto MCCULLUM. Once again a frustrating series; only one score of 50, and that was in the T20 series, where he had the highest Strike Rate; something that will be noted. Elsewhere he seemed to be confused as to how he should play. Has anyone ever mentioned how he’s yet to get an international ton against a decent side?

VETTORI was kept busy over the month; juggling bowling commitments and increasingly testy captain’s interviews throughout. In the ODIs he was treated like he was bowling hand grenades. In the tests he bowled well but, once again, was unable to make a significant contribution in the 2nd innings of a test at Napier. That monkey on his back is now a medium sized gorilla.

KYLE MILLS is in danger of appearing to be doing a bit of a STYRIS with his career, without the Burning Bridges bit. Consistently the best quick bowler with the white ball, in the tests he conveyed the impression of being pretty disinterested. 6 overs out of 145 in the 2nd innings at Napier said it perfectly.

In contrast, Santa Hat IAIN O’BLOGGER kept on going in the test series, and was rewarded with the 6 wicket bag in Napier. The 32 year-old career turnaround was the NZ story of 2008. Surely he will now get to ply his into-the-wind speciality on the tour to Australia, and should prove very useful against India; especially if the weather gets ugly.

FRANKLIN played in both the tests; but he was clearly rushed back way too early from his knee surgery. EWAN THOMPSON got a debut in a T20 game, but the phones from India have yet to ring off the wall.

The way TIM SOUTHEE is being treated continues to confuse. Out of the tests, got to bowl at the death in the T20s, alternated opening the bowling and being first change without ever really settling into a rhythm. Strange that.

It was a good series for JEETAN PATEL. Brought on early to good effect in both innings in Napier; he worked out how to get Chanderpaul out early, and ended up with a breakthrough 5WI in a test. Consistently bowled well in the ODIs when the ball was dry, and even got a day off in the Auckland match when they thought it was funny to have RYDER carry the drinks.

So no-one really disgraced themselves and there are some promising signs. Now we just need a decent dry series to judge how much of the previous regime’s damage is starting to be unravelled.

Visit Sportsfreak, it's the "bad taste" of sport sites.

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Sehwagologists beware

The tide has turned people.

Once upon a time our leader was thrown underwear when he arrived somewhere.

Now people throw stones.

Watch your back.


cricketwithballs

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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Nathan Hauritz, in the only country that would have him.

Ages ago Mims did a piece on Tiny Tim Ambrose, and whether he was the worst keeper in world cricket.

She argued that no other country in world cricket would have picked him.

Well with Bryce coming back, let us look at Natahan Hauritz in the same context.

Bangladesh has Shakib Al Hasan, and he is so much better than Nathan, that if Nathan walks past him Shakib should spit on him. Yet another award for Shakib, although being better than Hauritz is hardly going to make him that happy.

England has Monty, Swann, Colvin and now Rashid. All are better than Hauritz, even Monty, who must be happy there is a far more boring spinner in world cricket than him now. Rashid is 20, and an English leg spinner, yet still better than Hauritz, what a world we live in,

India has Bhajji, Mishra, and Murali Kartik. Plus like a million others, there is a chance that India has 567 better spinners than Hauritz. I think the Indian blind women’s team probably has a few that would go ahead of him.

New Zealand has Vettori and Patel. Both vastly superior to Hauritz, and Brendan has a brother that some Kiwis rate. Also Patel is a way better 12th man than Hauritz.

Pakistan has Saqlain Mushtaq and Danish Kaniera. Ok Saqlain is English, but Keneria may be boring, but Australia would kill for someone as good as he is right now. Mushie has no knees and struggles to get a Visa, but I’d still pick him ahead of Hauritz.

South Africa has Paul Harris and Imran Tahir (almost). I don’t rate Harris at all, still think he is way better than Hauritz, although I will admit if I had the choice of watching one or the other, I’d pick Hauritz. Tahir is a superstar.

Sri Lanka have M&M, nuff said.

West Indies have Sulimeen Benn, Amit Jaggernauth and Nikita Miller, all who show real promise, even though none of them have really taken International cricket on. This is the only team that Hauritz could squeeze into, but the way the Windies selectors pick spinners, he would be dropped for no reason, play 2020 games and test matches but not one dayers, and miss out on tours on a whim. Maybe Australia could trade Hauritz for Nash.

cricketwithballs

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Bryce is back and he’s gonna save our reputation

Move the fuck over Nathan Hauritz, Byrce is back baby.

Finally he is kitted up in that beautiful navy blue uniform (ok it’s shit, officially the worst vic kit ever) and ready to take names and kick some ass.

Sure he has only bowled 3 overs, but that is enough to move Hauritz over.

Dirty Dirk was so damn excited, he come out in full warrior god mode and took an axe to NSWales to the tune of 4/11.

That is respect.

The Victorians lost, no fault of Dirty Dirk or Nice Bryce, you can read about the horrible place they find themselves in here.

But Bryce is now more than just a Victorian player, he is an Australian squad member, and being that Happy Hauritz is the number one spinner (in the selectors eyes) Bryce has to at least tour South Africa, if not rip it up in the side.

The world needs Bryce.

The balance of Australia not having a proper spinner reuins the world;s economy.

Oh, you don’t believe me, the last time Australia didn’t have a proper spinner was the 80’s recession.

Nuff said.

Bryce can restore the world’s markets, and make me very happy.

Plus his mum is proper nice.


cricketwithballs

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classic wacky google search

"cricket in your ass"

While i am not surprised someone would write this and come to my site, I am not exactly sure what they were looking for.

Any thoughts?


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Were they writing a play?

Can you really believe how long it took Australia to bowl 2 balls?

I understand South Africa only needed 8 off 2 and Albie the destroyer was at the crease, but was a 3 minute chat really required.

Hilfy and Ponting should have decided the ball in 8 seconds, taken 15 seconds to set the field, and then got on with it.

It didn’t need Algonquin round table with Bracken and White there.

Surely the plans for Albie were in place before they hit the field, all the needed to do was agree to which plan and then set the field accordingly.

Instead it seemed to be a discussion topic, i was half expecting King Probot to come over with a clip board and start taking notes.

And then, after that one ball, which Albie slapped for a single, and South Africa could not win, there was another long delay.

Why?

Surely the message was as simple as this, don’t bowl a noball or a wide.

Yet Hilfy and Ponting still had a chat, before White ran over to tell Ponting that he looks good in green.

Teams bowling second in white ball games seem to be able to make the innings take as long as they deem necessary.

South Africa in the first 2020 game were appalling.

While Johan Botha looked lost, every second South African was moving the field, and the innings seemed to go for a month.

I am sure the ICC are right on this though, and any day now they will come up with runs penalties, or something similar for sides who can’t fit their overs into the alotted times.

After all we know how good they are at fixing the problems of world cricket.


cricketwithballs

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Ponting’s new pet

Ever since Ponting took over the Australian side, he has had a key aid.

They never seem to last long.

And there has been a lot of them.

It started with Darren Lehmann.

Warne was there for a while.

Somehow Mike Hussey took over.

Then Michael Clarke got the gig.

And now it is Cameron White.

Ponting likes having a tactical lieutenant around, because that is not his strong point.

The funny thing about it is that he has never really rated White as a cricketer.

Part of that is White’s fault, when he first got into the side, he seemed to want to give Ponting a lot of advice, and Ponting likes to choose his new man, not have him thrust upon him.

That and the fact that White’s bowling in New Zealand resembled Island of the living dead.

Somehow in the dressing rooms of India, White not only convinced Ponting of his worth, but booked himself as the next chief tactical consultant.

I can only assume it was in the dressing rooms, cause it sure as shit wasn’t on the field.

Once Clarke comes back White will have to take a back seat again.

Although I know who I’d rather get my tactics off between the two of them.

cricketwithballs

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Matthew Hayden – The Ultimate Survivor

If you were the type of cricket fan who didn't like Matthew Hayden ask yourself this â€" would your opinion of him change if he was playing for your team? You wouldn't want this dominant, aggressive batsman piling on the runs for your team? Turning the opposition into complete disarray?

Hayden was a run-scoring machine and departs the game as one of the most successful openers of all time. What is even more remarkable about Hayden's career is how different it ended compared to how it began. Many cricketers fail to cope at the highest level. Some work their way back, but how many work their way back twice?

22 year old Hayden went on the 1993 Ashes Tour and was competing with Michael Slater for the right to open the innings alongside Mark Taylor. Those who like to have a cricket bet felt Hayden had the inside running but Slater outplayed him in the final warm-up match before the First Test and won the nod. Hayden was still in the frame though and made his Test debut in March 1994 against South Africa when Taylor was injured.

Taylor returned for the next Test and it would be another two and a half years until Hayden next wore the Baggy Green. Six Test matches later the selectors weren't bowled over by the Queenslander. This time, his exile in the cricketing wilderness would last three years. Three years during the prime of his career. This would break many athletes but Hayden responded the other way working even harder on his game. He thrived under the tutelage of John Buchanan and was a member of the first Queensland team to win the Sheffield Shield.

When Hayden was recalled at age 28 in 2000 to replace Greg Blewett, most of the cricket betting was that this too wouldn’t be a long stay but Hayden had served his apprenticeship and was ready.

He was older and wiser and produced the series of a lifetime against India in 2001. 549 runs in three matches saw his average soar from an unremarkable 28 to a more respectable 40. From there it continued to climb, ultimately hitting a high of 58.

In the years 2002-03, he was at the peak of his powers with 2472 runs in 23 matches at an average of 75, including a then-world record 380 against Zimbabwe. Hayden tormented cricket bowlers from all over the world. It wasn't just the fact they he was scoring runs, but the intimidating manner in which he went about it.

Just like Steve Waugh and his side disregarded conventional cricket wisdom, so too did Hayden when it came to opening. Openers aren't meant to drive or score boundaries on the opening morning of a Test match, but that didn't bother Hayden. He was responsible for breaking down the opposition bowlers and was successful in doing so. Eventually tactics came around to try and curb him. Short covers and a straighter mid-off were put in place to cut off his scoring areas and it worked, most notably in the 2005 Ashes Series where Hayden only averaged 35. It would have been even less had he not blasted 138 in the final Test.

Hayden thrived from adversity and often went looking for trouble just to fire himself up. It was this quality which didn't endear him to opposition players and fans. Some labeled him arrogant and some called him a bully, but this was a small price to pay for being a run-scoring machine; for being a useful member of the most successful cricket team in history.

Hayden is very good friends with Andrew Symonds and the two share a number of traits. Their early struggles were linked to insecurity, acceptance and a sense of belonging. Once they over came that, taking on the opposition was nothing.

Originally Hayden wanted to play on through the 2009 Ashes Tour and ease the transition for a side which is going through such upheaval. Once Hayden was dropped from the limited-overs side, a three Test tour of South Africa followed by a five Ashes Tests seemed more trouble than it was worth. Why risk tarnishing the legacy? There was also the chance Hayden could have finished the Ashes tour not as a cricketer but as a tourist. Hayden had nothing more to achieve and can look back on his career with the most immense satisfaction possible. The fact that for so long, Hayden's international career seemed like it was certain to end as footnote makes it even more incredible.

David Wiseman is a sports journalist, who writes about cricket and tennis for Betfair Australia . He is particularly looking forward to the Australian Open 2009 and the Ashes.

Friday, January 16, 2009

G facts

I hadn't seen the G one dayer till just now.

And there were some interesting things happening.

Michael Hussey opening, with Haddin and Hopes in the side, why would you use your only closer as an opener?

David Hussey is still the man.

Shaun Marsh could make one day runs with a blindfold on as woodpeckers chewed on his nads.

Vaughan Jan Varsvelas a sense of humour, just not sure if it is a good one.

Morne Morkel and Shaun Tait can still bowl some breath taking wides.

JP showed that old cool one day batting still works at the G.

Australia don't handle end of match pressure so well these days.

Albie can hit a ball into the toilets.

And most importantly, why do people still talk about hitting with the wind at the MCG, its a stadium, it swirls, has since i was a boy, always will. Bill you should be ashamed.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Parore's death theory

I liked Adam Parore as a cricketer.

I do.

He sledged a lot.

Can’t argue with that.

As a media speculator he is a tad below par.

And I’m being very nice with that wording.

This article is titled rule change aids black caps.

It’s a nice title, only problem is I cannot see any justification for said title.

He is talking about the new power plays, and how that helps New Zealand at the end, because they are rubbish bowing at the death.

But if they are rubbish at the end now, wont they be more so when a team can call a batting powerplay in the death.

Wouldn’t that make them rubbisher.

Way rubbisher.

Apparently now the teams are constantly being attacked this will help the kiwis.

Follow that logic, can’t handle it at the end, but when its done all through the game it suits them better.

Interesting.

Luckily Parore gets back to form later in the article, he bags Ryder.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

toygers fall short, but gloriously so

Shakib Al Hasan and his merry men have got it going on.

Hasan is not only the hottest ticket in town, his boys are taking scaring the shit out of Sri Lanka everytime they play them.

The other night, Shakib got the job done, today he couldn’t quite get there.

But after making 152 in a one dayer, the old Bangladesh would have packed the kit up.

Not the new one, they have a bit of Jamie Siddon’s mongrel about them these days.

They are still a little light of for weaponry, I mean they had the Lankans 5/6 and 8/114 in the chase, and still couldn’t win.

I’d back myself to get Murali out, but the Toygers let him get 33 off 16, and thusly win the game.

So while the result is the same, the truth is that they went within a Murali wicket of beating Sri Lanka in a final.

That is huge.

Shakib was a big part of it again, grabbing a lazy double wicket maiden (inkling King Kumar’s wicket, the only 50 in the match) and putting Sri Lanka 8 down.

It took big performacnes from Kumar, Mendis and Murali to beat them, and no team is embarrassed when that happens, they are top of the tops in world cricket.

This time last year Bangladesh was a rubble of rubbishness, where will they be this time next year.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

South Africa's future is in safe hands

[b]South Africa have enjoyed a stellar 12 months in the Test arena and there is every reason to think they can maintain their impressive development.[/b]

South Africa’s Test series win in Australia marked the end of an era. But did it also represent the beginning of a new era, one of South African dominance?

The simultaneous improvements made by India suggest not, especially as Australia will surely be a strong force sooner rather than later. The Proteas have a tough task to consistently hang onto their number one ranking, should they indeed take it from the Aussies in the coming months.

The current team is well-equipped to mount a challenge for Test dominance. They have a young but experienced captain who is at the peak of his powers in Graeme Smith, a youthful middle order of Hashim Amla, AB de Villiers and JP Duminy that is suddenly established as the most promising in the world and a pair of fresh tearaway quick bowlers in the form of Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel.

The retirement of Shaun Pollock and impending departures of Jacques Kallis, Herschelle Gibbs and Makhaya Ntini will not be as keenly felt as seemed likely when those pillars of the side were at their best, nor indeed as much as Australia felt the retirements of their own stalwarts of the last decade and a half.

Similarly, the long-term future of South African cricket is looking better than it has for some time. Their development program has been under close scrutiny since their readmission into international cricket and whilst valid concerns exist over the funding and recruiting of talent from black communities, the fact that Ali Bacher feels the racial quota policy has served its purpose is suggestive of adequate progress.

The South African U19 team was runner-up at the last youth World Cup in 2008 (to India; more evidence of who is likely to battle for seniority at full international level?) and is currently asserting their superiority of their English counterparts.

The senior One Day team therefore has some new talent waiting to be introduced as it continues its transition phase ahead of the 2011 World Cup. The Test team is harder to break into, as it should be having won in England for just the third time and more notably Australia for the first time.

The second decade of the 21st century might not see one team dominate as Australia did for the preceding 15 years, but it will see South Africa be consistently near the top of the tree.

Written by Philip Oliver, a sports writer who blogs about cricket betting.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Boof is out

Darren Lehmann is not to coach England.

Pulling out less than a week after applying via the press.

Don’t say Boof isn’t a smart fellow, I bet this upped his contract with Deccan a fair bit.

There can be no other reasons for his application and backtracking in that time period, can there?

Deccan seem to have fallen for it, as Boof had as much chance of coaching England as I do.

The last coach had no international experience, and this seems to be big deal for the ECB, so the next one will definitely have it.

That seems to narrow it down to Tom Moody and Graham Ford.

Moody’s current charges are rubbish, ditto Ford.

Moody is asking for more money than any International coach has ever asked for, Ford’s name and match fixing are always linked, however unjustifiable.

The other non International coaches with a sniff are Andy Flower, who I thought KP wanted to get rid of as well.

And Ashley Giles, which is a great decision, as no one ever got less out of nothing than Ashley Giles.

Boof seems to think Moody is the man, but at that price he would want to win the ashes, win the x factor and cure cancer.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Warner gets a cold cup of coffee

Australia’s next Bradman has been dropped.

David Warner, t2o super hero, has been shamelessly axed from the one day squad.

The man who recently scored more runs in one innings than Don Bradman did in his t20 career, now has to go back to the 3 man crowds of Australian domestic cricket.

No lasers there.

He will have to carry his own bags.

His life is pretty much over.

And he may even have to take on Bryce McGain in his comeback game.

Life is tough.

Clarke's thumb is all better, and Warner is about to get a dose of reality.

This is all a good thing, because if McGrath, Clarke, Hussey and pretty much anyone else who pronounces Australia without an L, is to be believed, we need to back off the boy.

The pressure is too much.

So I am backing off him, I no longer think he will be the new bradman.

I think he will be the new Victor Trumper.

That should do it.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

cricket myth #456

Wicket Keepers can't captain.

This is one that that really gets to me.

And with Mark Boucher getting overlooked for captaincy with cricketers of inferior records, inferior skill, and no mental toughness i had to get it out.

Ms Dhoni does it now, and during the IPL, when he sometimes didn't keep, he said he captained better as a keeper.

Emery and Berry have done it for shield victories in Australia.

Gilchrist broke Australia’s dry spell in India.

And Lee Germon… well never mind.

When i was a junior I captained as a bowler, and occasionally as a keeper.

I found it easier as a keeper, and i never overbowled myself whilst keeping.

Richie is part of this anti keeping club, he fielded in a catching position, and bowled many many overs.

Wicket keeping is mainly a reactionary position.

Bowling is a proactive skill.

So the keeper should have more time to captain than a bowler, and also has the best view in the house of the game.

The best person should captain, no matter what skill they use to get into a side, obviously batsmen make the most sense, cause they do sweet fuck all in the field, but if your batsmen is not as good a captain as your keeper or bowler, why would you give him the job?

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Batsmen who are better than Sachin

According to the ICC all time rankings system.

And no, I am not smiling while I write this.

Ponting 3

Kumar 6

Hayden 10

Kallis 10

Mohammad Yousuf 12

Douggie fucken Walters 15

ICC rankings were better in my day 17

Mike Hussey 17

KP 24

And Shiv 25

He is the 26th best batsmen.

Although he is above the great Jimmy Adams.

That should make him happy.

The ICC rankings generally favour batsmen who make big scores back to back, not so much consistency.

According to the Guardian, Indians are up in arms over this, although, so far I am yet to see any evidence, well anywhere, and I think this list has been around for a while.

These lists are great though, think of all the hot air that Tendulkar fans will be able to blow out

I am happy to report that Mitchell Johnson is the 95th best bowler of all time.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Samit gets the big bucks

Samit Patel has decided he is never going to play test cricket for England.

Well he probably has.

He has asked Notts to let him play in the IPL.

A move that may sure up his bank balance, and his white ball credentials, but probably wont help him ever play test cricket.

Not that he is on the verge of it , but still.

He bats at 4 for his county, and supports Graeme Swann with a bit of part time spin, but he obviously doesn’t see himself as a test player.

There could be no other reason or playing in the IPL, and giving up 6 odd weeks of county cricket.

It’s a bold move, not sure I agree with it, but he seems to be a clever sort of chap.

England has no say in this, and even though he is now a regular in the white ball games, he is not an English contracted player.

Yet another bright idea from England.

Australia has 25 players signed, so if anyone of them wanted to play in an offshore tournament during the summer, they would have to run it by CA.

England has this squad, James Anderson, Ian Bell, Stuart Broad, Paul Collingwood, Alastair Cook, Andrew Flintoff, Stephen Harmison, Monty Panesar, Kevin Pietersen, Ryan Sidebottom, Andrew Strauss and Michael Vaughan.

A test squad, and one player is on a retirement package.

But the rest are free to do what they feel like.

So should the ECB want Samit Patel to play county cricket, from what I gather, they have no legal or contracted right to do so.

Idiots.

Patel is on a Incremental Contract from them, which means his first class side pays him, but he gets a bonus from the ECB, but Notts is his actual employer.

Notts are trying to keep one of their guns happy, you can’t blame them, but if more English cricketers, especially young ones decided to do this, you would have to worry about the development of their red ball skills.

The IPL might not be evil, but England still have to work out the kinks from their end.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

New Zealand washes the Windies

Sportsfreak is now disease free and rocking along again, i picked this up to prove that they have no STD's.

Test Series: 1st test drawn. Lots of rain and bad drainage in Dunedin. 2nd test drawn: pretty even, but neither captain was brave enough to push for victory when it was close.

20/20 Series: 1st game won by the Windies on a tie-breaker. 2nd game won by New Zealand. Drawn. Nothing much to remember there.

ODI Series: 1st match rained out, no reserve day. 2nd match effectively turned into a T20 match due to rain, WI won; no reserve day. 3rd match actually took place, damp drop-in pitch helped NZ to comfortable win. 4th match well set up for close finish; rain abandoned, no reserve day. 5th match well set up for close finish; rain, NZ sneak through on D/L in the last 2 balls. A hollow 2-1 win to New Zealand.

So a tour is over before it even began, and the 2 sides sitting above the minnows in the pecking order not really finding a way to separate.

Both sides, of course, are rebuilding and spent most of the rain delays telling us this. So what did we learn about this rebuilding process given that there’s not a lot else on which to reflect.

Today we look at the Windies, who fitted into 3 groups.

The 5 Man Army
Ever since the glory years of the 80s, the Windies have been carried by a handful of star players, normally centred around an Hooper, Walsh, Ambrose and Lara.

This team was the same; with the 5 star players carrying the burden.

Gayle was magnificent. Although tactically inert, he dominated all 3 parts of the tour. His 197 in the Napier test combined the Gayle we know with another disciplined batsman, and the way he flicked between the two every session made this one of his best test innings. He then produced a master display against the world’s leading ODI bowler to win the T20 shootout. And in the final ODI he produced one of the best paced ODI centuries you could see.

Chanderpaul was at his side all the way. Unless he was facing knee-high full-tosses first ball he was almost immovable in the tests. The tourists were weakened when he missed the next few matches, but he was back to his best as Gayle’s ally in Napier. Seems to be getting better with age.

Sarwan never really got going, but still managed to win the Christchurch T28 single-handedly.

Edwards and Taylor consistently bowled well over 140, and when Edwards gets it right he’s one of the best around. OK; they are no Holding and Roberts but they are still better than the Australian opening attack, as a random example, at the moment. And with Taylor getting some runs there’s hope that the batting might not finish at #6 any more.

Some of these guys might come right
For all the ridiculousness of nerdy white guy high-fiving Gayle Brendon Nash did enough throughout to suggest he’s worth persevering with. Trouble is he can’t hit the ball well enough for limited overs cricket, and his bowling isn’t really test standard.

Apparently Benn is a test and T20 specialist but not suitable for ODIs, which pretty much sums up West Indian selection standards at the moment. That’s a shame because he bowled well; a left arm Roger Harper.

And at a time when Andre Nel is having time off to chat to his goats on the veld, it was refreshing to see Darren Powell. He really is a total nutter, and the fact that McCullum could get into his head so easily was about the only reminder of the latter’s star quality throughout the tour. If he can channel his peculiar brand of nuttiness a bit better, he’ll support the other 2 well.

There’s still a bit of rabble though
Chattergoon has a great name, but that 13 that took up the entire first session in the Napier test was real bamboo under the toenails torture.

X Marshall has a name that some people might think is cool, but all those drugs must have affected his ability to see the ball properly.

Ramdin has played in 29 tests now. How anyone who can’t catch a ball and looks disinterested when batting briefly has managed that is one of those strange things that can not be explained easily.

The selectors seem to like Lionel Baker, possibly because of his pearl earrings. But he is not the answer.

So a mixture really. Still reliant on the main guys, but there is enough potential coming through to indicate they are approaching the corner, if not turning it yet.

Seriously though, Sportsfreak is a good side, no viruses.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

My favourite comment on the Matthew Hayden post

"settle down people...

how did this post to honour the retirement of matthew hayden descend to name-calling and sledging?

it's inappropriate"
Poopsie

Classic.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Proof that prince charles is a racist

The whole Prince Charles is a dirty racist thing doesn’t surprise me.

Here is an unprinted and untraceable interview I had with him not that long ago.

I didn't print it at the time, it just wasn't newsworthy.

So Chuck, do you like Cricket?

Oh yes, very much so, it means that in such a game you must represent oneself in such indecent postures at times.

Alright, who are your favourite players?

I love Warne, that German fellow, and Andrew Strauss, very well put together man.

What are you thoughts on Sachin Tendulkar?

Very wrsity.

Dude that Camilla is a hot piece of crumpet, has she ever done ass to mouth?

What is that, some new version of myface?

See, bloody racist.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Al Hasan does the business

It wasn’t long ago that Shakib Al Hasan was one of those Bangladeshis.

You know, one of the none Ashraful ones.

The name would have rung few bells.

Now he has made the 2008 The Venkatapathi Raju team of the year, he is pretty much world famous.

When you are famous you can do one of two things (actually you can do more), you can crawl up in a corner and hum show tunes, or you can get the balls out and put the performances on the metaphorical board.

Shakib has them out baby.

His latest offering is a destoyation of Sri Lanka in a one day game.

Or a 3131 game.

Sure the toygers were only chasing 151, but Shakib made 92 of them, off a measly 69 balls.

Considering he came in at 3/11, and just never left the crease, it’s a monumental effort from a Toyger, no matter who the opposition is.

The opposition was the worlds greatest ever spinner, Mendis, and his freakish support act, Murali.

Not bad huh?

What was that, that is right, Sri Lanka played in the last one day world cup final.

Shakib you nasty man, take a bow.

I think the kid is thee real deal.

His batting can be test quality for a bowling all rounder, he can slog when his team needs him, and he is a prodigious wicket taker.

Plus he is cute as a button.

And when your team beats his, which they will, if he does well, you will be doubly happy, like eating a cheeseburger, and winning a pizza.

And for Shakib’s form, and the fact I like the little fella, he goes onto the list.

Well done indeed.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Aliens disturb South Africa

It was supposed to be a night of fun and games.

2020 cricket is not a real game or anything.

But last night something happened at the Gabba.

While Wayne Parnell (oddly named like an Australian) went for a catch, and Aliens shot lasers in his eyes from the heavens.

I know it sounds weird, but I saw them with my own eyes, the lasers, not the aliens, they had a cloaking device.

It seems like a weird thing to do, I mean the aliens surely understand that 2020 cricket means nothing, so using lasers is a waste of time.

Seems like a waste of lasers to me.

Ofcourse these could have been stupid aliens who didn't understand 2020 cricket wasn't worth lasers, and then the only question remains, how come this didn't happen at the G.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

cross another off the list

Most people in world cricket will miss Matthew Hayden.

His fans will, ofcourse.

Those who hate him will as well, no one likes to see their villain leave, even if they say they do.

I fall somewhere in the middle.

Off the field he made me feel good for being a Victorian and a heretic.

On the field he could be like watching a bar room brawl, you knew the bigger guy was going to win, but you were in it for the blood.

He was big and strong. He charged. He bashed. He Sledged. He hoiked.

His runs came from cockiness and testosterone.

He was thuggery with a grey nicolls.

An almost primordial nature to it.

There was the scent of blood in the air.

Some of it was pure bullying, at other times it was hand to hand combat, but it was very rarely something I didn’t want to watch.

He was one of the few batsmen I loved to watch in form as much as I like to watch him getting worked over.

A long time ago I compared him to John Wayne, because both men share so many common attributes.

They both believe they are doing gods work, they both believe in everything they do with a certainty that most men can’t fathom, and what they do might upset a lot of people, but it does get results.

And I am talking about John Wayne on screen, and off.

Has Hayden been a 50’s movie star, he would have caught the commies, spoken out against lily livered liberals and killed a lot of people.

Wayne and Hayden lived a certain way, subtlety and finesse was not required, they bludgeon you, and people tend to love or hate that.

And it is also why their special performances are the ones where they did something different, Wayne in the Searchers, and Hayden in the 2005 Ashes.

They still had the rock hard belief, they were still warriors, but they used other means that weren’t just bullying and force to get the job done.

Ofcourse being gladatiors and stubborn fuckers, the changes nearly came to late.

Other purer batsmen like Ponting or Tendulkar would have changed their styles much sooner, but he was not a batsmen, he was an aggressor.

That he tried to live and die by the sword is both as admirable as it is stupid.

Ofcourse the real life Hayden was not a gladiator.

A man of Christ, a cook, a meticulous planner, and a man who would use “the secret” style visualization the day before he played his innings.

He is a man who overcame a limited technique, being told by none other than Rod Marsh he wasn’t good enough, and constant failure at test level early on.

Almost no one believed in him, but he made it, flat tracks and average bowling attacks helped him, but he still had to make the runs.

Then there were the comments in the media, obnoxious weed, 3rd world, alpha dog and that was just against India. Hard to believe they came from the same person who often asked himself, what would Christ do?

Other Australian players said similar things, but no one pissed off as many people with a microphone as Hayden.

As for assertions he is Australia’s best ever opener, they are plainly wrong.

That doesn’t mean he wasn’t damn good.

There were just better openers, Trumper, Brown, and Ponsford off the top of my head.

Being placed behind these men is not an insult to anyone, especially someone who bats in this day and age.

As for his departure I know I will miss watching him bat, but I don’t think I will miss "him”.

Thank Christ he’s gone I say.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

The ECB gets it wrong, wrong, wrong, wronger, and etc

Don’t get me wrong, KP is still a dick.

It was childish and stupid to say it’s me or him, and to do so while on safari makes it even dumberer.

Wanting the coach gone is one thing, but losing your job over it is another.

Peter Moores did not inspire me as a coach.

And he was never the right fit for KP as captain, but the ECB is a proud stoic group, they survived the war you know, and they were never going to react well to an ultimatum.

So KP is a dick, and Moores was a dud.

But what about the ECB, fucktards perhaps.

Lost a captain, a coach, and a fair bit of common sense.

I have looked in depth at their role in this, and this is what I have.

The ECB mistakes

Picking a captain that is not tactically aware.

Picking a captain who cannot work with the current coach.

Not listening to either captain that the coach was not upto the job.

Waiting until their hothead captain made a decision that would set back their cricket.

Allowing any of this to hit the media.

Looking to extend Moores contract, while also looking at other candidates.

For not informing Geoff Miller of any of this.

Teaming up a tactically unaware captain with a clipboard coach.

Giles Clarke.

Giving Michael Vaughan a contract with no intent of picking him in any test squad.

Allowing the oval to shut their bar for 90 minutes after lunch.

Picking two South African born captains in a row.

And most importantly at all, taking the moral high ground through all this, when most of it was their fault in the first place.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

I was right, and i didn't know

After Gilly announced his retirement, and sometime during his 8 week last game tour, i wrote about which wicket keeper would replace him.

I went with a breakfast cereal pantry type theme, fuck knows why.

This is what i wrote about Brad Haddin.

"Brad Haddin is the breakfast serial that is marketed as “tastes great and is good for you”. In other words you know that it’s going to let you down one way or the other, you just hope it’s not both. He can seriously bat, and he can catch the ball more often than not. Could possibly bat at 6 with some one like Noffke or McDonald behind him. He is the sound logical choice, so I’ll look elsewhere."

So i did actually know that McDonald was going to play test cricket, just got the batting order wrong.

Or rather, Ricky did.

Add it to the list of things i have gotten right, and Ricky has gotten wrong.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Monday, January 12, 2009

Hayden's balls career

As it's after midnight here and I am buggered, i will have to put the Hayden end of career post up tomorrow.

But I can still quickly upload a quick collection of previous posts about him.

-

Does the most Christian day of the year inspire Matt Hayden into dominating the G like only Don Bradman has before?

Or.

Does Matthew Hayden, part time chef, photographer and cricketer actually see himself as the son of god reborn?

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Matthew Hayden â€" John Wayne â€" The Searchers or pretty much any film he was in.

I’m probably not the first person to make this comparison, but just cause it’s obvious don’t make it untrue. The duke understood the west, and some days he would have just sat there and watched it, just like Hayden sitting on the pitch the day before a test. In the searchers John goes a little too far, there is macho domination, and then there is being an arrogant bully. Sound like any opening batsmen we know?

-

Hayden is a Christian soldier. Like Dubya Bush before him, he is an evangelical fighter who doesn’t let knowledge or common sense affect his anger.

-

Well it was pitched near the crack, and he tried to slog it over mid on.

Was it ugly?

Yeah, but he kept his head down, and at least it was an attacking shot.

What now?

He will go off to make cook books and do lifestyle shows with Stuart MacGill.

Is that a fate worse than death?

Indeed.

-


And Matty Hayden likes to ask himself what would Jesus do, sometimes that is call India 3rd world, and other times its sledge Graeme Smith.

Well Jesus would retire now, and not just because he has bad hands, but because if you stick around too long and do little, you tarnish all your afterlife.

-

Matty Hayden - bats like a 14 year old kid beating the sh1t out of a 10 year old kid.

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Harbhajan Singh is an obnoxious weed (little or otherwise).

Matthew Hayden is one of the most disliked figures in the game (the word pr1ck comes to mind).

So they are both right.

-

And now that he is retired, if he should find himself in London for next years ashes, others may not select him, but i will happily fit him into my charity side.

He can bat at 8, and bowl medium pace.

And then cook the BBQ.

cricketwithballs

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The Orphans are safe

Matthew Hayden has retired.

I could give you details, but at the moment this is speculation.

All of us bloggers will miss him, the ones who loved him, and even more so the ones that hated him, as he certainly gave us all something to write about.

He will retire to New Texas, a third world country, and cook for a living.

And why shouldn’t he.

Cooking is a perfectly respectable thing for a retired thing to do.

Perhaps he will take up lawn bowls, heaven help them all.

Amen.

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The candidates

England need a new coach.

There are already a few names out there.

So I have put them into list form, and done some valuations on them.

Mickey Arthur, for someone who is coaching the second best team in world cricket, his name sure does get mentioned a lot with other jobs.

Plusses, knows how to deal with big egos and South Africans (is that redundant), has a pretty good record as coach, and doesn’t lose captains as much as Moores did.

Minuses, what sort of person leaves the 1st/2nd best team in the world for a team that just sacked its coach and forced its captain to resign.

Darren Lehmann, has put his own name up, but has coached South Australia, academies, and about to take over the Deccan Chargers.

Plusses, people love Boof, would take much longer for the fans to turn on him, has a brilliant cricket mind and wont get caught up in clipboards.

Minuses, doesn’t have the best record with minorities, and was sacked by SA as a player for helping keep Cosgrove fat.

Shane Warne, as if.

Graham Ford, he knew KP back then, and has just managed to get Kent into a new division.

Plusses, is quiet, KP will like him, seems like a good match for Strauss, may get Key and Denly into the team.

Minuses, if England lose to Bangladesh, everyone will be checking his phone records, and Kent’s new division was division 2.

Tom Moody, is thought by some, me, to be the best cricket coach in the world.

Plusses, has international experience as a player and coach, did great work with Sri Lanka and Australia wanted him but couldn’t get him.

Minuses, Massive Christian head, wants to be paid a kabilion dollars, and West Australia are a rabble this year.

Greg Chappell, surely has been added only for comedic value.

Plusses, THERE ARE NO PLUSSES; actually he may be able to get those Greg Chappell hats cheaper.

Minuses, Couldn’t coach South Australia, Couldn’t’ coach India, and since he has been around the Australian team they have gotten shit.

Jrod, is a less publicised applicant, but wants the job, and has a few revolutionary tactics up his sleeve that would be wasted in club cricket.

Plusses, free press exposure, support of international blogging community, is Australian, and is getting to understand the Tube.

Minuses, lazy, angry, may pick Eyelids Pattinson regularly, will pick Rob Key just so they can eat pies together, would demand payment in Natalie Portman’s used Underwear.

The choice is obvious.


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Boof wants to organise the cones

Darren Lehmann has already put his name forward for coaching the English side.

I don’t know if anyone asked him.

That doesn’t matter these days, he has put his name forward in the media, which is the first part of the application.

He would possibly be the opposite of Moores.

Let us imagine what an Boof as English coach would be.

Coach Boof; Alright you fuckers, these cunts fucking piss me off, so were gonna fucken kill em, but lets look at the planning. Freddy it’s your shout, none of that warm beer shit. Bell it’s you for the pizzas tonight. And Colly your on for the Macca’s breakfast tomorrow.

Boof burps.

CB: Cooky what are you smoking these days?

Cook: Magnum Classics.

CB: Sounds like poofs ciggies to me, check my bag, should be a couple of cartons of Winnie Blues in there. Now Monty is out, cause he bores the fuck out of me, we have brought this Rashid in. We are going to put 3 or 4 guys around the bat at all times, and Swanny is going to be up the other end, same deal for him. Now Swanny your also going to be chief sledger, you’re a smart ass little prick, and I think we can use that. Any questions?

Bell: For our fitness…

CB: Whoa buddy, fuck that, no fitness, ever, I never needed it, neither will you.

Strauss: I would just like to say that it is an absolute pleasure to have Darren here, we are delighted that he has chosen to help us with our endeavours, and we are very excited to learn from his vast experiences.

CB: Fucken Oath. Oh and Owah, we're having friend chicken for lunch, so find a good place and hook us up.

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