You're so vain; you probably think this post is about you

Those who have been reading the site for a while: first, hello to both of you, and secondly, you may remember a post by The Jrod where he compared test nations to women of his acquaintance. In the interests of equality, it is only fair that I now do the same, because nothing says feminism like a blog post that rates former lovers by comparing them to test cricketing nations.
Unlike Jrod's, my post has men not women, because there haven't been enough women (Mother, if you're reading, that was a joke. In fact the whole post is of course a joke! What men? But seriously, don't read on, anyway go to bed now and let me finish this). The men in question: I should probably apologise to some of you for this post, but be thankful that you were at least memorable enough to make the cut.
So.
[b]Australia[/b]: The oldest, but the most experienced, and remains to this day incredibly hard to beat even on a rare off day both in terms of sheer numbers and technical skills. Arrogant, but (and boy does it kill me to admit it) probably rightfully so. However, much as I admire the total dominance of some of his performances, I remain in hope that he'll be toppled one day by a younger upstart, if only to wipe the smug grin off his face.
[b]Bangladesh[/b]: Has the exuberance of youth, and great potential, but desperately inconsistent and arguably should not even be playing at this level. Still waiting for second meaningful victory, and has almost never managed to build up a significant partnership. In ten years' time he may well turn out to be worth it, but I don't know if any woman has her eyes on the prize enough to take him on now and stick around.
[b]England[/b]: Heyday was back in 2005, and he's been dining out on the promise of a return to that kind of form ever since but without delivering. Reminds me a bit of the Mulberry Roxy handbag - incredibly popular a few years back, but don't plan on it coming back into fashion any time soon and there'll certainly be no second coming as early as 2009.
[b]India[/b]: The most physically attractive, not that I got to see much of him the way that we, um, enough now, but very very special to me. His finest moment remains the famous incident back in 2001 when, faced with stiff opposition from Australia (not at the same time, honestly, get your minds out of the gutter people), he showed remarkable tenacity to come from behind and magnificently turn the turtle in a manner rarely seen before or since. Age is affecting his middle-order leaving it very slightly flabby, but wristwork remains excellent.
[b]New Zealand[/b]: Underrated, with a quiet librarian-esque charm, underneath which lay a second layer of librarian-esque charm, but underneath THAT lay some extremely good all-round skills. Didn't talk the talk as much as I would have liked, though, and had a tendency to collapse at the same point too early in every innings. Rarely good for more than one-dayers / day-nighters.
[b]Pakistan[/b]: You never knew which one you'd get. The passionate, fiery one, channelling all that energy in exactly the right way once the lights were down? Or the sulky one who once refused to play in public just because of something I said (in hindsight I admit a bit hastily), so that by the time he'd made up his mind I'd changed mine?
[b]Sri Lanka[/b]: A worthy runner up to Australia, possessing stylish strokeplay and recordbreaking staying power in equal measure. Suggestions over illegality of certain actions only added to the allure. Australia's consistency keeps him in the lead, but Sri Lanka retains the capacity to compete at the highest level. Also, an honourable man with a decent heart, but could have done with a little more preparedness to play dirty.
[b]South Africa[/b]: Not the most intellectual fellow, and not so great at playing under lights, but on a memorable day-long occasion matched Australia's previous seemingly insurmountable mammoth total with relative ease. His language on the field was definitely not for delicate ears. Some might describe him as a bully, but it was nothing that couldn't be covered by a well-chosen safe word.
[b]West Indies[/b]: The nostalgic "what might have been" who turned out to be clouds in my coffee. Naturally talented, coolly nonchalant demeanour, and with a considerable noble history behind him. Not always prepared to pull together as part of a team, though. Now largely restricted to occasional flashes of individual brilliance.
Some of you may have been worried that the presence of an English ladyblogger might lead to this site taking an unduly refined turn. Rest easy, people. ...
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