Saturday, May 31, 2008

Pup likes em flat with cash

<p class="MsoNormal">Michael Clarke’s innings last night was like watching Kate Winslet and Natalie Portman exchange bodily fluids.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I know.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Clarke loves a flat track and money in the bank when he walks to the wicket, but you can’t take that away from that innings.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">It was like Butter.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I must admit I watched it after a long day on beer, and half a bottle of something called Teddy Bear Port, but it still seemed damn good.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">While the Krab Katich (he failed against the second new ball, so I retract everything nice already) and Roy couldn’t play balls off their pads, Clarke was on fire (plus Ramdin dropped him off his pads)
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He was like a sh1t hot car park attendant, he drove everything.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I know.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">This wicket is flat, not keira flat, but there isn’t much curve to it.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">When Johnson and Lee swat around the ball you know it’s not going to be a bowlers paradise.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">All except one man, Clarke again.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The new rule for Australian spinners is whether they can out bowl Clarke.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Hogg couldn’t and retired.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">MacGill looks like he can’t either.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">It would be unlogical of me to suggest that Michael Clarke is the best spinner in Australia.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Because Bryce McGain is from Australia.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">But since Warne retired Clarke has been the best spinner in the Australian test XI.

www.cricketwithballs.com

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I'm like Shaun Marsh, and not just the drinking

According to world renowned sports writer Nigel Henderson, who wrote, “If It Was Raining Palaces, I’d Get Hit By The Dunny Door” and "Choke", I am comparable with Shaun SOS Marsh.

Shaun Marsh (see Fanfare for a common man) may be being unfairly overlooked by Australia’s selectors, but there is another Aussie that people should be paying attention to. His name, apparently, is JRod.
My name is Jrod, apparently.

But I am not just like Shaun Marsh in the fact I haven't been called up to the majors.

We have other things in common.

Both of our fathers were legends.

Swampy, opening the batting for Australia.

PK, opening the bowling for Campbellfield and North Carlton.

Shaun Marsh once got suspended for drinking too much.

I used to get suspended all the time.

Both of our fathers were successful coaches.

Swampy, for Australia.

PK, for Campbellfield under 14's, and under 16's.

Shaun is Australian.

I am Australian.

Shaun Marsh likes cricket.

I like cricket.

True story.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Katich the Killer

Unlike the rest of you, I have always rated Simon Katich.

While all of you, yes you as well, have bagged him, said he was useless, given him embarrassing nicknames, I have told you how talented the man you call the Krab.

You are all cruel bastards.

Some of you, yes you, will even say that just because he made a hundred doesn’t make him a test player.

You may say that taking all freakin day to make a hundred against the West Indies does not show you enough.

You are a hard bastard.

Just because it was a flat wicket.

The West Indies forgot to load their pop guns.

And Ponting took the pressure off by scoring actual runs while Katich dug himself into the wicket.

But it was Katich’s amazing batting skills that shone through.

He is a champion, just like I have always said.

Bow down before him.

Kiss his toes.

Lick at his ankles.

LICK THEM.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Friday, May 30, 2008

Pre test Gambit

I do not know what a gambit is.

Australia have dropped Brad Hodge, and reinserted sensitive new age dude Michael Clarke.

Ricky Ponting likes to back people.

It’s his thing.

He learnt it from Steve Waugh.

Ricky comes out and says I back [insert current out of form player here] and I want them around.

The first time I remember him doing it was for Brett Lee, and that worked, he turned him into a superstar one day bowler, while he continued to be an over rated test bowler until recently.

Then he turned Roy from the guy who was warming up Shane Watson’s spot to the man in the one day game, and then later, in the test arena.

At that stage it seemed he was a good hudge of cattle.

Now he seems to have lost the magic touch.

Recently Ponting has tried to work his magic over two men.

Stuart MacGill was backed before Sri Lanka toured, and then again in the Windies.

Stuey’s new stock ball, the full toss, is not fooling anyone, Stuart looks dodgy.

His last 3 tests have been horrible, and at 37 you can’t see him getting too many more chances.

Simon Katich has been backed today, as a future opener.

The Krab was a former middle order disappointment for Australia, and after one test he is a current top order disappointment.

Australia’s brightest top order batsman is playing for the Punjab.

Perhaps Ponting sees something in the Krab and Stuey that my non test playing eyes can’t see.

West Indies are up and dancing.

They think Australia are now beatable, and with Gayle an Lawson probably coming back they are floating on air.

Gayle has often struggled against McGrath, now he has to face Rupert Clark, so that should be a good battle.

Jerome Taylor may be back as well, which means Sammy will probably get the ass.

The Windies have certainly talked, and prayed, a good game this week, so they must not get blown away.

Gayle is a good in for them, but I don't know if I would pick Taylor, Sammy strengthens there tail, and with a top order than collapses tragically, a number 8 who can hold a bat is an important player.

So I will back Sammy, publicly, not because I see a bright future for hi, just because I like the shape of his head.


The result

Australia should have blown away some cobwebs and should win this easily.www.cricketwithballs.com

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2nd test 1st session report WI v AU

Fidel Edwards replicated the moment I fell in love with cricket as he charged in for his first ball of the day and fell over.

Then he bowled an expensive over to follow it up.

Pitch looks good for batting, good idea to bring 5 quicks in for the Windies.

Obviously they were a bit uncomfortable with an attacking spinner.


That was the bit Jacques and Katich just plopped around.

Then Jacques got caught straight in front.

Boy can’t make runs unless Hayden is there to hold is hand.

Dwayne Smackdown Bravo was the break through man yet again, he has golden balls, I am sure of it.

Australia’s run rate was abysmal, and the Windies getting a wicket was a victory for cricket itself.

Ponting came in and showed intent, he was probably as bored as the rest of us.

What else happened…

Um, Ponting scored at twice the rate of Katich.

Jacques played Marsh into his spot.

Bravo looked good.

The rest of the Windies bowled very tidily.

And Australia scored at less than 3 runs an over on a pretty standard wicket.

Never a good sign.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Doing Geoff Miller's job

[b]With the One Day series around the corner, it’s selection time again. New Zealand are one of the better One Day teams in world cricket and showed that they are a tough nut to crack during the winter. However, England’s two previous series were wins against India and away to Sri Lanka, so the home team can also take some comfort in recent form.[/b]

[b]Andrew Flintoff[/b] and [b]Simon Jones [/b]have not been considered for selection as they continue their recoveries from injury. Otherwise, recent form is a strong factor in the selection of this 15 man squad.

[b]Top Order Batting[/b]
The top order should contain one anchorman with the rest being strokeplayers. The England team has plenty of strength in depth with batting due to the number of all-rounders available. Therefore, a more aggressive approach can be taken at the start of the innings. The role of anchorman has been taken in recent games by [b]Ali Cook[/b] and [b]Ian Bell[/b] (normally in the same match). Both make my squad, but on the understanding that only one will play in a match. The wicket keeper should also be considered to be a top order batsman and with [b]Kevin Pietersen [/b]coming in at four, the other specialist batsman should come in at three. Holding onto his place will be [b]Owais Shah[/b], and just seeing off the challenge of his Surrey teammate James Benning for the reserve slot is [b]Usman Afzaal[/b] who has had a magnificent FP Trophy.

[b]Middle Order Batting/ Allrounders[/b]
[b]Paul Collingwood[/b] should continue to captain the side. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that his best moment in the test was when he went into One Day mode to finish the game before the tea interval. Also in the team, primarily as batsmen but possibly to share 20 overs with Collingwood, should be [b]Ravi Bopara[/b] and [b]Luke Wright[/b] both of whom again are scoring a lot of runs. Sharing 20 overs between batting allrounders may be a risky strategy, so bowling all rounders [b]Tim Bresnan [/b]and [b]Dimi Mascarenhas [/b]are also be selected

[b]Wicket Keeper[/b]
Phil Mustard hasn’t done anything in wrong in the last two series. He’s just not really done anything of note either with just the one fifty in ten matches. Tim Ambrose is also clearly a capable batsman and excellent keeper but with a technique which could be found wanting at the top of the order. [b]Matt Prior [/b]is the batsman in form in county cricket as a whole and despite an even more indifferent start to his One Day career than Mustard, he is worthy of another chance and gets the nod here.

[b]Bowling[/b]
[b]Graeme Swann[/b] is the man in possession and has shown himself to be a good attacking One Day bowler and a better option in this form of the game than Monty Panesar. The three pace bowlers also pick themselves, with only two likely to be used in any match. [b]Ryan Sidebottom [/b]and [b]Stuart Broad [/b]are the ones likely to make the team, with James Anderson as the reserve bowler and Bresnan providing further cover.

The Squad
Ian Bell
Matt Prior
Owais Shah
Kevin Pietersen
Paul Collingwood
Ravi Bopara
Luke Wright
Tim Bresnan
Graeme Swann
Stuart Broad
Ryan Sidebottom

Ali Cook
Usman Afzaal
Dimitri Mascarenhas
James Anderson

Prior Knowledge

[b]The England ODI side to face New Zealand in one Twenty20 International and five ODI’s is announced later on today. It is rumoured that there is to be a surprise or two. After reviewing the Friends Provident Trophy matches so far this season, I have tried to identify who is deserving of a place in the side.[/b]

The first surprise is that Andrew Strauss is being considered for a recall. Whilst Strauss has clearly worked hard to reinvent himself and is deservedly reaping the benefits, there is no doubt that he is not what England need in the ODI arena, especially given the rise of whiz bang cricket and ever higher run rates. Strauss would be best left to focus on Test cricket and constructing solid innings as in the last Test match. He plays best when he isn’t under pressure to score. From this readers could be forgiven for assuming that Alistair Cook would be my pick at the top. Sorry again. Whilst Strauss isn’t going to be taking Cook’s place, somebody else will! Alistair Cook, very much like Strauss, plays best when not under pressure to score. Neither are Marcus Trescothick and playing them in the hope that they one day will be is sheer foolishness. And a Trescothick is exactly what England need up at the top of the order. Cook tried initially, but looked unnatural and kept on getting out attempting to hit over the top. Then he played his way, which brought more runs, but did nothing for the run rate in comparative terms. His first ODI hundred against India at The Rose Bowl was indicative of Cook’s problem. Whilst he did compile a brilliant innings, England could have unleashed the fury much earlier in the match, but Cook was seemingly unable to do so. Indeed, Ian Bell, his partner in crime, was able to do so to a greater extent. Once again England fell short of the mammoth score which they should have made. Of course, it wasn’t a problem in that particular game, but it could well be in the future.

England have also tried to replace Trescothick, most recently with Phil Mustard, who has also taken over the wicket keeping duties, with limited success. Mustard came to prominence during Durham’s run to the Friends Provident Final last season, which ultimately culminated in them winning their first trophy. His exciting brand of cricket was compared to Adam Gilchrist, always the bench mark for a wicket keeper it seems, no matter how unfair. At international level though, and I say this after his limited appearances, he doesn’t appear to be able to convert starts in to the bigger fifties and hundreds which win matches and are the backbone of any limited overs side. His form in domestic cricket this year has also been far from impressive, as those of us with him in our fantasy sides can testify! Jeremy Coney, after his first sighting of Mustard, described him as a leg side bully. It is hard to disagree at times, although he clearly has more to his game than this. Ultimately though, after ten matches, he is averaging 23.30, with only a solitary fifty to his name.

The change which I therefore wish to see and which looks increasingly likely, is the recall of Matt Prior to the ODI side. Whether this be as wicket keeper or not doesn’t really bother me. He clearly has the ability with the bat to cope as a top six batsmen. Whilst he too only averages 22.90 after his return to the side last year, scoring the one fifty, he is without doubt a better batsman than Mustard. He averages 40.14 in Test cricket and is so far the leading scorer in First Class cricket this season, with 473 runs at an average of 67. He has only failed to pass fifty once in fact and in Sussex’s most recent game scored both a hundred and fifty, whilst nobody else was able to even get past forty. His efforts won the game. That record clearly deserves rewarding. What of his wicket keeping though? Well, it is often the unreported facet of the game. Without being there it is hard to judge. Some reports suggest improvement and this would be understandable, away from the scrutiny and pressure of the international arena. In his favour is that he played well as the keeper for England in limited overs cricket and did not make the same volume of mistakes as in Test match cricket, mistakes for which he was rightly dropped. His keeping will need to be at a much higher level before he returns to Test cricket. However, a return to the ODI side will enable him to ease his way back in, set about keeping successfully through fifty overs, rather than two hundred or more over five days.

If Prior is to come in for Mustard, then I may well bat him down the order, where he operates so well for Sussex. He could also open of course, a position he has yet to convince in at international level. Vikram Solanki is the only other real candidate for the opening role, yet he has been in and out of the side over so many years that I doubt he will be selected, despite his excellent limited overs form. My definite opener would be Ian Bell as I feel he is the player England should look to, to bat through the innings. His best ODI innings for my mind was against Australia when he opened. His promotion would allow Kevin Pietersen to bat at number three, where he could better dictate the game for England. This could be the fresh change with Pietersen needs in order to reinvigorate his own game and focus on his strength, being positive. At four would come Owais Shah, as I believe that too much of his ability against spin is lost down at number six, plus England now have better options down the order. Usman Afzaal and Samit Patel could also be in contention for this position in the future, given their impressive allround performances for their counties in the FP Trophy thus far this season.

Five would be the captain, Paul Collingwood, in his familiar role. At six I would have Luke Wright (if Prior were to open, it may be worth swapping the two around at some point), he has so far played his best cricket for England at the death. Seven would be Andrew Flintoff when he returns. Until then, Ravi Bopara would be a sound choice. Eight would be Dimi Mascarenhas, who has shown enough to make that position his own. Nine would be the ever improving Stuart Broad, who looks more at home in the ODI side than the Test team. Ten would be the ever reliable Ryan Sidebottom.

The batting depth of this side would allow England to play Monty Panesar at number eleven should he develop more variety. It can be argued though that he needs the experience of playing in order to develop that variety. His rivals are Graeme Swann, Adil Rahsid and James Tredwell, all of whom could comfortably bat at number nine, or possibly higher if required. For me, building for the next World Cup and given his success against New Zealand thus far, I would choose Panesar, with Rashid as the second spinner.

James Anderson would be the standby seamer and could also play instead of Bopara until Flintoff’s return if deemed necessary. He is still far too inconsistent though and that is why he does not make the final XI. Even in Test match cricket he still bowls a lot of four balls and doesn’t seem to be able to maintain consistent pressure on the batsmen.

I believe that England are working their way towards building a successful and positive limited overs side. The introduction of more positive players has led to an improvement and will continue to do so.


[b]THE XI:[/b]

Ian Bell
Matt Prior (wk)
Kevin Pietersen
Owais Shah
Paul Collingwood (c)
Luke Wright
Andrew Flintoff (Ravi Bopara/James Anderson(11))
Dimi Mascarenhas
Stuart Broad
Ryan Sidebottom
Monty Panesar

[b]The Reserves:[/b]

James Anderson
Adil Rashid
Ravi Bopara
Alistair Cook

An open letter to the cricket administracrats of New Zealand.

Dear Sirs/Madams,

According to my website, New Zealand is everyone's second favourite side.

Personally, I have never really liked New Zealand, but that is a Russell Crowe related issue.

Being that no one in New Zealand cares much about cricket, except for them, them and them, you have had a free ride.

Your free ride stops here.

New Zealand are missing one key ingredient in a cricket side, the heavy handed fast bowler.

Sure your version is only heavy handed on those rare cases he isn't injured, but he still has what is known as "THE PACE".

Kyle Mills, an admirable extra from 300 spartans, is a decent bowler, but he does not have "THE PACE".

Iain O'Brien, an admirable extra from turtles can fly, bowls a tight line and length, but he does not have "THE PACE".

And Chris Martin, an admirable extra from The Warriors, bis more than handy, but he does not have "THE PACE".

The one bowler with "THE PACE", is currently plying his trade for some county side, playing in front of 4 school kids and a handful of guys with glaucoma.

That is more of a crowd than a New Zealand test match, but surely he could be used for test matches.

One avid fan has devised a scheme to get your man back into the fray, but you have ignored it.

So, now I feel the need to tell you administracrats some home truths.

New Zealand, with Bond, not bad, watch your back.

New Zealand, without Bond, pretty average, 20 wickets seem alot.

The ICL furore has been sorted, people chose to ignore it.

The IPL is bankrupting bowling alleys, Salman Khan has been banished to Australia, and it's killing the infomercials in the ratings.

They do not care about Shane Bond, and the ICL anymore, so slip him in now while the finals are on.

Call him Iain O'Brien, give him an spikey hair do, and make him smile like he just met a girl in a chat room, no one will know.

I promise.

No one takes that much notice of New Zealand anyway.

So take advantage of it.

Bring Back Bondy.

Or Angry Mark Gillespie, anyone that will actually entertain us.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Thursday, May 29, 2008

time for 2 metre Peter?

Some of us have never played test cricket.

We probably aren’t good enough.

Some of us have played test cricket, and still aren’t good enough.

James Marshall is one of those.

I don't know alot about James Marshall, and it's not like I did research to find out details about his dairy farming parents.

His technique is not particularly bad.

His temperament is ok.

And he usually tucks in his shirt.

I have played with club cricketers who have that pedigree, and they have better hair do's.

He has now played 7 tests.

His test average was is 19, his first class average is 30.

He is not a test number 3.

At 29 he is not a project player.

He is a journeyman, the ICL will offer him a contract soon, and he will be off.

New Zealand need more.

For New Zealand to win the third test, which I can only assume is their aim, they need a change at number 3.

England assume they can get him out.

Their assumptions are based on facts.

How is the only one of the top 3 who can actually bat.

Redmund is a shine reducer, and Marshall is a night watchman.

Perhaps it’s time to let two metre Peter Fulton out of the shed.

He may not have the hair do of James, but he has shown more than Marshall in his career and is worth a go.

Either that or bring in Hamish.www.cricketwithballs.com

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the slide

Recently much has been made of Australia’s slide.

Most of this is because of Stuart MacGill’s new found ability not to land his leg break.

Also Mitchell Johnson and his line 3 foot wide of off stump.

Plus their sick reliance on Matthew Hayden.

And let us not forget Michael Clarke’s dodgy form in pressure situations.

I wrote this recently, and this, ages ago.

But, in how many countries would a player like Shaun Marsh not be good enough to be picked in their top 8 batsmen.

And realistically, David Hussey would still be ahead of him on the list, so Marsh may not even be in Australia’s top 9 batsman.

We the people, all know this is rubbish, and that he should be currently preparing to open for Australia ahead of the krab katich.

Or at least be carrying the drinks and trying some rum instead of Brad Hodge.

But it does show the amazing depth that Australia still has, even without the champions at the top.

Shane Watson is probably the best performed player in the IPL, if Marsh isn’t, and he is not in Australia’s one day squad.

Both David Hussey and Luke Pomersbach have been less dominant than Marsh and Watson, but they have both payed innings that have showed they belong.

You may ask where are the young Australian bowlers.

Well Brett Geeves got spanked every time he got a gig.

And almost every other young Australian bowler is a physical basket case, but Peter Sizzle (Siddle), and Douggie Bollinger take wickets on one leg.

But Marsh still stands out. Not just because of the runs he has made, or the strike rate he has maintained, but because he hasn’t slogged.

He has kept his technique, and he has batted like a serious batsman type batsman, which means he may turn out to be a real player on the international circuit.

Want more than IPL proof, well the English sports writers are already worried about him for the Ashes.

Ok the English are always worried about the Ashes, but in Marsh, they have just cause.

And by 2013 Shaun’s little brother Mitchell will be in England, probably batting at number 3.

Cricket With Balls, monitoring the demise of Australia one MacGill long hop at a time.www.cricketwithballs.com

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workmanlike, pot, kettle, vaughan

Michael Vaughan said that the New Zealand team is workmanlike before the first test.

Some Kiwis got offended.

Most people think he is right.

But I would say most people are idiots.

After two tests it has been proved that if any team is workmanlike it’s England.

New Zealand has Taylor, an attacking batsman who can win a game at any time.

Oram, one of the most destructive big hitters in the game.

And Prince Brendan McCullum, the most exciting batsman on earth.

Who does England have that can compare to these 3?

I would say pound for pound England has the most workmanlike side on earth.

KP, was a former most exciting batsman on earth, but once he was at the English firm for long enough they made him an in house lawyer, after he couldn't cut it in private practice in South Africa.

The English firm

Strauss, is an experienced HR manager who calls himself wing commander and everyone laughs at him.

Cook, the fresh young graduate in IT who everyone suspects wears mascara.

Vaughan, the CEO, who thinks he is still the young buck but all his shorts have yellow stains on them.

Bell, is the salesman everyone talks up as exciting because he went to a rave once.

Collingwood, is the accountant, no one works longer hours for less work.

Ambrose, the new marketing manager, started with a bang, but so did the last 4 guys in his job.

Broad, is the son of a former employee who works in dispatch, everyone talks about how young he is, no one talks about how good he is.

Sidebottom, the factory foreman, without him the company would cease to exist.

Panesar, the office manager who wears odd socks and novelty ties, but sits on the net all day looking for a girlfriend.

Anderson, is the guy who drives the fork lift into the walls, but the girls still think is dreamy.

There are no players in there who are genuine superstars (at the moment), no players who are worth the admission price on their own, no players who can inspire great deeds.

New Zealand definitely have some blue collar players, O’Brien and How are as workmanlike as you can get, but McCullum is more exciting than anyone wearing the pristine whites for England at the moment.

England, are like an episode of the office with the cast of Neighbours playing all the parts.

Actually, that might be even better to watch...www.cricketwithballs.com

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The Victorian home for broken down tassie quicks

In uninteresting to anyone other than ma, and 4 others news, Tasmanian fast bowlers are playing some sort of sick game with Victoria.

First Gerard Denton comes to Victoria, and in the three games he is fit he takes like 80 wickets.

Then he retires.

Only to then un-retire and sign back with Tasmania.

Then his former Tasmanian new ball partner, the also always injured Damien Wright signs with Victoria.

Is there some Tasmanian fast bowling rehabilitation plan going on in Victoria at the moment?

Is Ben Hilfenhaus next.

Why Victoria need near crippled Tasmanian bowlers is beyond me.

Peter Sizzle, Dirty Dirk, Crazy Clint Mackay, and Eyelids seem like a good roster to me.

And none of them are in any danger of playing for Australia.

Should Victoria continue to take the tassie quicks, can we make requests, cause I really like Brett Geeves.

I don’t care if he has been rubbish in the IPL.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Hayden, against the world

Matthew Hayden is leaving the holy land.

His ankle has not recovered, Dei Gratia for Hodgey/Krab.

Australia only has two contracted openers, it’s almost as if Outside the Church there is no salvation.

Australia does have Shaun Marsh, whose father sent us his son to atone for his sins, but we did not accept him into our side.

Before leaving, Hayden took Katich into his bosom and said, In this side you will conquer.

But Krabs didn’t get a mention with Noah.

Katich wanted to respond with Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, but Hayden, sensing his time was not long on this earth, was gone.

From the corner of the room was a small man with a sensible haircut from Victoria saying I am not worthy, Oh lord Non sum dignus, I am not worthy, without the Mike Myers affliction.

It was really annoying, Rupert Clark changed seats.

Ponting looked longingly at the place Hayden used to sit, thinking to himself, Long live Hayden the King!.

Tim Neilson, sensing the sombre mood after Haydens exitus (uhum) stated in a loud and booming Voice, one day I shall sing, Hayden resurrexit!www.cricketwithballs.com

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MacGill Monty Miriam Threesome

OK person who googled the title of this post four times to get to the site instead of [b]KEEPING YOUR SICK FANTASIES TO YOURSELF,[/b] you win. Here is your post.
The answer to your googlequery is: that is one heck of a wierd threesome and I do NOT want in. In fact, I now need some, or possibly all, of the following to scrub from my brain the vision that you have implanted: SoapLysolBrillo pad A refiner's fire100 Hail Mary'sNight out drinking Chumbawamba cocktails on an empty stomachConcussion from Brett Lee or James AndersonThat flashy blinky thing from "Men In Black"Lobotomy<p align="justify">
If, however, IF I happened to be into the kind of thing that you, googler, are clearly into (and I'm saying nothing), and if you happened to google any of the following, the answer would be ohgodyesplease:
Vettori Oram Miriam Threesome (needs absolutely no explanation)Dhoni Gony Miriam Threesome (oh the pretty ones)Dirty Dirk Eyelids Miriam Threesome (I have a thing for the Vics in England, so sue me)Ryder Chawla Miriam Threesome (I can't begin to explain this even if I tried, and I probably shouldn't). <p align="justify">
<p align="justify">[b]Other wacky google searches from today:[/b]
<p align="justify">why are some men so vain (because they are trying to compensate for something)
<p align="justify">england v new zealand chasing inflatable jelly bean (oh, alright, it's here)
<p align="justify">and all of the following:
cricketer's sisters supermodelscricketer's supermodel wivessouth african cricketer sister supermodelsupermodel sister of famous cricketersupermodel wives to famous cricketerswhich cricketer has supermodel sisterwhich cricketer sister and wife are supermodels?<p align="justify">(as you want to know so badly, your persistence is rewarded: you are probably looking for Cindy Nel, but (a) she's no longer Jacques Kallis' girlfriend, and (b) I'm not actually sure that she is Andre Nel's sister. The other possibility I can think of is Neil McKenzie, whose sister Megan is a model. Honestly, I am way too good to you people).
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">
www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

new players in blog world, and a hero XI

Was over at Line & Length, and he was spruiking two new blogs.

One is written by the great Terry Jenner, you know the Australian leg spinner who is famous for guiding Warney and being a reformed law breaker.It has a definition of the word matrix.

True story.

Another new blog is called reverse sweep, it's written by Nigel Henderson, who wrote If It Was Raining Palaces, I’d Get Hit By The Dunny Door, which people told me was funny, but I didn't read, since I don't read cricket books.

He gets a special mention not because he is an author, but because he picked a heroes XI and included a Victorian All rounder.

Sure it was Max Walker, but it gets him a link here.

My hero XI

Matthew Elliott
Desmond Haynes
Dean Jones
Viv Richards
Allan Border
Ian Harvey
Darren Berry
Wasim Akram
Merv Hughes
Mushtaq Ahmed
Curtly Ambrose

Aamir Sohail (12th man)

If you have a Heroes XI pop yours in the comments, and I'll pretend to be interested.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

The most important leg spinners ever

Abdul Qadir . His action is still the sexiest thing you have ever seen on a cricket field. Part Ballerina, part Saber Toothed Tiger, he single handedly kept the art alive in the 1980’s. Big angry fast bowlers tried to kill it and batsmen in general, but Abdul just kept whipping himself into the crease and confusing the batsman with his magical deliveries. Statistically he had no real impact on cricket, but anyone who saw him bowl will never forget him.

Richie Benaud. On the field Richie’s contribution to leg spinning was moderate as he came after two greats in Tiger Bill and Clarrie. But in the commentary box Richie has done as much for leg spinning as any one human could. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be Richie? The man sold leg spinning like a magic potion that could fix what ails ya.

Shane Warne. Abdul may have kept the artform alive, but Shane Warne shoved it down the world's throat with such force it would be hard to see it ever leave us again. The man, who looks more like a plumber than an artist, had such an effect on leg spin that children may be excused for thinking he invented it. He transformed leg spinning from an on field mystery to a tabloid grabbing media whore.


Clarrie Grimmet. The New Zealand born Australian leg break bowler took 20 years to make it to international cricket. When he did so he did so with a click of his fingers, and the flipper was born. Remained the hardest ball to bowl in cricket until Saqlain Mushtaq invented the doosra. Also is the quickest bowler to 200 wickets, and he got there with just a click… No, I won’t go there, again.

Bernard James Tindal Bosanquet. A surprising choice on this list as he is English, and we all know that the English have almost no leg spinners of any acclaim. But Bosanquet invented the goodly, wrong’un or bosie playing with a tennis ball on a table. Now a staple of almost all leg spinners, but back then it was so shocking he was lucky he didn’t get burnt at the stake.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Dirty Dirk Nannes - FOUND

Ladies (ha) and gentlemen (HA) I am pleased to announce that the search is over.

No, not the location of Osama
No, not the true identity of Jack the Ripper
No, not England's new bowling all-rounder saviour who will wrestle the Ashes from Michael Clarke's (probably manicured) hands.


YES, that's right people. Following on from my previous search for Dirty Dirk Nannes, it gives me great pleasure to report that he has been FOUND!

Dirty Dirk played his first bit of county cricket today. Yay! The dude got a game! I couldn't be more excited for him if he were my husband.

He took part in Middlesex's crushing 8-wicket (Duckworth-Lewis) victory over The Essex today. He took a wicket in his first over, getting Pettini lbw for a duck.
Now, Pettini can be dangerous, so I am quite sure this wicket was directly responsible for limiting Essex to a gettable 244 instead of, say, a redonkulous 391.
As it turned out, it then rained and rained, this being England in May, but Middlesex got in enough overs easily to make the D/L target.
It's not a trailblazing county debut in quite the same way as Grimsby-born Eyelids Patterson's 5 - 22, but it's a game.
Middlesex, we want loads more Dirty Dirk please.


(Big thanks to Suave for the tip off)


[b]EDIT! [/b][b]EDIT! EDIT! EDIT![/b] [b]EDIT! [/b]
Ceci has pointed out, in the comments, my EXTREME WRONGNESS. Apparently, Dirk played against Warwicks in the County Champs earlier this month!
O NOES indeed! And, more to the point, [b]why was I not told? Hmm?[/b]

Minus point: my whole post is rendered redundant.

Plus point: it is kind of reassuring to find that someone else has been stalking Dirty Dirk more closely than I.

Either way, Dirk is found, all is right with the world, and between Ceci and I he will never get lost again.


No matter how hard he tries.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

How do you solve a problem like Matt Prior?

Regular readers will be aware of my interest in wicket keeping and my preference for “real” wicket keepers. However, with the effect that Alec Stewart and particularly Adam Gilchrist had on the position, being just a wicket-keeper is no longer good enough. Righly or wrongly, a keeper needs to be selected on the basis of his batting skills more than his keeping skills, otherwise Chris Read would have been the England keeper for the past 5-6 years.

The current group of wicket-keepers vying for places in the England test team range from the pure wicket-keeping, unorthodox batting of Chris Read to the poor wicket keeping but fine batting of Matt Prior with current incumbent Tim Ambrose and James Foster in between (Phil Mustard has been deliberately omitted as neither his matting nor his keeping are adequate for test cricket). This situation is reminiscent of the early 1990s, and the start of the career of England’s archetypal batsman-wicket keeper: Alec Stewart.

Stewart started out as a batsman in 1990 before replacing the specialist wicket keeper, Jack Russell, during the Ashes series of 1991 as England looked for a better balance to the team. This was in the days of Phil Defreitas and Chris Lewis as the England all rounder, who were essentially bowlers who could bat, so the need for an extra bowler or batsman was critical. The next few series then took a familiar pattern. Russell would start as the wicket keeper, with Stewart opening the batting. However, as the results became disappointing, Stewart would be moved to keep wicket to draft in an extra batsman or bowler. As Stewart’s wicket keeping improved, he spent more time as keeper, playing 82 of his 133 tests behind the stumps. This was also to the detriment of his batting average, which was 46.7 as a batsman, but only 35 when keeping wicket.

Despite these movements in his position, Stewart’s position in the team was never in doubt. He was one of England’s premier batsmen and the wicket keeping was good enough (and improving) while never in the same class as Russell. Indeed, he finished the 1990s as the top scorer in test cricket for the decade, taking over as captain of the side in 1998 with a series victory over South Africa, up to the disappointing World Cup in 1999.

So how does this help us with the England wicket keeping position? The closest that England have to Stewart is Matt Prior. Prior averages over 40 in test cricket and during his last series, away to Sri Lanka finished third in the England batting averages, behind Ian Bell and Ali Cook. The series saw a maturity in his batting, which had been previously reliant on scoring quickly. He scored 19 off 100 balls in saving the 3rd test, while he scored half-centuries during the first two tests, the second being a fine example of marshalling the tail. Despite Tim Ambrose’s fine century in the second test in New Zealand, it is difficult to imagine him playing such an innings for England in such circumstances.

Prior has started the season in blistering form. He is averaging 67 in the championship, in a Sussex team where Murray Goodwin is the only other player to average above 40 and has failed to reach fifty just once. With a test average above 40 (and 5 runs better than Stewart’s as a wicket keeper), he is clearly good enough to play for England as a specialist batsman. As with Stewart, once he is ensconced into the team, his presence will give the selectors the option of using his wicket keeping skills, and he will have the confidence to know that he is being judged mainly on his batting, with the keeping allowing other options in the team selection. He would need to improve his keeping, but the knowledge that this is not the be all and end all of his game should allow him to relax into his role

Alec Stewart was not a great wicket keeper, particularly standing up. He was however, a more than adequate keeper and one of the best batsmen in world cricket. Matt Prior could be the heir to Stewart in more ways than one.

Daniel Flynn, no Nansy Pansy

According to William Shatner you don’t want to be one.

Jacob Oram has spent the best part of his career with the tag of “NP” never far away from him.

Jason Gillespie would play if he had a broken leg in the second part of the career to dispel the myth that he was.

Daniel Flynn better get used to it.

Cricket, test cricket, is not a place for the soft.

Facing Brett lee, Dale Steyn or Malinga is a test of courage.

Flynn got hit, he lost a tooth or two, he suffered concussion, he threw up for hours, he could not sleep, and he didn’t bat.

On the face of it he looks soft.

The truth is that he wanted to bat in the 2nd innings and he wasn’t allowed.

It may place too much importance on him to say it cost the victory, but it sure as hell didn’t help.

Educated cricket fans will know Flynn wanted to bat, but everyone else will label him soft.

And once pronounced soft, the label sticks for a long time.

Flynn looks anything but soft.

He looks like he should be beating up bigger kids at an arcade parlour.

While this will sound harsh, he reminds me of Justin Langer.

A scrapper, a fighter, a tough little bastard.

So why hold him back?

Australia spent Langers whole career putting him in harms way.

He debuted as a 21 year old against the Windies, and loved it.

He fielded at short leg for almost ten years.

He was told if he got hit in the head one more time he could die, he continued to play.

One time Langer almost got killed in South Africa by a Ntini bouncer, the Doctors told Ponting that Langer could not bat.

With 8 wickets down and 10 runs to get Langer padded up, Ponting told him he would try and restrain him from getting to the field, or declare on him.

Australia one without losing another wicket.

Langer said afterwards had Ponting stopped him from batting he would have never talked to him again.

That is the sort of player you want on your side.

New Zealand needs more players that will die to win a test match.

They have the bling, Taylor, Oram and Prince Brendan, now they need the grunt.

Flynn seems to be potentially grunt like, so let him play with a sore head, and see how he goes.

He still has plenty of teeth left.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

IPL report

Some people may say that I have abandoned the IPL.

Those people are black liars.

I haven't abandoned it, I've just been busy.

So here is some IPL news for you.

According to the brilliantly titled gay bombay website, MS Dhoni is the player that most gay bombayites would like to convert.

Dhoni shit it in, and as he likes to win, and be thought of as hot, so I am sure he was very pleased.

Like a candle in the wind at number two was Yuvraj Singh, yet again he loses to MS Dhoni.

The third man in and completing an MS sandwich of Yuvraj was one of my favourite players in the IPL, Gony (read this about him), who would be the sort of cricketer Tony Greig would label as "Broad Shouldered".

Surprisingly the Gam bombayians don't like the Vanilla men, instead they crave the chocolate.

Bollywood aspirant Brett Lee, Curvey Warney, Jelly Bean Watson and baby faced Morkel all came in the rear.

I should probably edit that last line.

Megahottie Graeme "I can't get a date" Smith got no votes.

Neither did Kamran Akmal.

The hottest team was the Kings XI Punjab, that team was surely named to appeal to the pink dollars.

For real coverage of the IPL go to Well Pitched.

Or for Buñuelesque rants on the IPL go here.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Jesse's back in town

His home town in New Zealand, that is. NOT London town, because Jesse Ryder WON'T make it to England for the one-dayers.

His hand has not yet recovered from its unfortunate nighttime rendezvous with a toilet window.

O NOES! This is an EPIC FAIL on the part of his hand tendons.
I am very disappointed, for the following reasons:
My "Jesse Is My Kind Of All-Rounder" and "What Would Jesse Do" tshirts won't get an outing this summer. I have a thing for the better-padded man. In a time of protein shakes, personalised gym programmes and detailed fitness analyses I love that there's room in the game for a batsman like him. <p align="justify">and
He is talented, exciting and great to watch.He is the kind of person of whom you get the impression that he really, really needs to be playing cricket. <p align="justify">
<p align="justify">Oh Jesse, get better soon! We miss you! Even Bumble Lloyd was asking after you in his commentary the other day!
<p align="justify">We could have had such a great summer:
Monopoly board pub crawl"Withnail and I" drinking game "Sideways" drinking gameNight out in Strawberry MoonNight out in Tiger TigerNight out at Infernos and the Clapham GrandIf you'd come early, pre 1 June, we could have gone to that tube party to mourn the ban on drinking on public transportYou could have had free rein of my box file of takeaway menusI have a well-stocked drinks cabinet, including unusual delights such as Kummel and GoldwasserI live within 10 minutes' walk of at least three fried chicken establishments

Jesse, I'll always cut fresh flowers for you
Jesse, I'll always make the wine cold for you
Jesse, I can easily change my mind about you
And put on cologne
And I will wait by the phone for you - Oh Jesse!

www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

What if God was an opener

The West Indies have God on their side.

3 times a day they pray to some sort of Christian god type creature.

Australia pray to know one, and prey on everyone.

So does God, in a Christian in the clouds sort of way, exist?

Based on yesterdays results, no.

Australia, a secular nation, with it’s most religious player out with a non god related injury, smited the Windies.

God, Jesus and Johnny Cash were unable to save them.

The Windies are growing as a cricket team, but they are not fully grown.

These are the things they could spend their prayer time on.

Facing the bowling machine, named Stuart Clark.

Talking to Desmond Haynes about building an innings.

Paint ball.

Listening to the Easy Star All Stars.

Training.

Studying the history of test cricket, and how lucky they are to be allowed to participate in it.

Working out a way to get Roy out.

Watching Night of the Living Dead.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Panesar's progress

Monty Panesar has had an amazing impact as both a player and a personality in his relatively short Test career. With his excellent bowling, his exuberant wicket celebrations and sometimes comical fielding it is little wonder that cricket fans, particularly those who support England, have taken him to their hearts. But how good is Panesar as a Test cricketer?

In my view Panesar is a wonderfully gifted bowler, who has already shown himself to be a match-winner, and who can become great if he continues to learn and improve his game. It is fair to say that his batting and fielding are distinctly average, though he has progressed in these disciplines after being laughably poor at the start of his Test career. How much he can improve in them is a matter of conjecture, though with his spirit and willingness to work there is no reason why he can't make himself a decent fielder and show good resistance in his batting. But it is as a bowler that Panesar shows his cricketing class.

Starting his Test career in India, arguably the hardest of all places for a spinner, Panesar showed good heart and no little skill. He claimed some notable wickets, including that of the legendary Tendulkar. Under the heat and pressure of his first series Panesar fell away towards the end, but showed enough to know that England had a rare talent on their hands.

Panesar followed this up with two excellent series' at home against Sri Lanka and Pakistan, taking 10 and 17 wickets, respectively. This was significant because it showed that Panesar could be a match-winner, that he could bowl well against top players of spin and that he could handle the pressure of his home crowd's expectations.

On a high after these 7 successful Tests at home Panesar had every right to believe he would have a crack at the Australians, as England looked to defend the Ashes in the lion's den. Instead, in one of the most foolish of many foolish moves by the England management on that tour, Panesar was dropped in favour of Ashley Giles. By the time Panesar was recalled England were 2-0 down in the series, having just capitulated at Adelaide, a pitch that Pansesar would have loved to bowl on.

Thrown into the action on a bouncy Perth wicket Panesar bowled brilliantly, claiming 5 for 92 in the first innings. Sadly, this wonderful effort was wasted as England failed to get the big first innings lead they so desperately needed and the match was lost as the Australians obliterated England's bowling in their second innings. Panesar still managed to get 3 wickets in the second innings, despite being targetted by the Australian batsmen. The series was lost and Panesar's efforts, like England's, tailed off in a series that ended in a 5-0 humiliation.

Far from suffering any signs of shell-shock after such a heavy defeat, Panesar bounced back in the next series at home against the West Indies. He took 23 wickets @18.69 in just 4 matches, claiming the player of the series award. It is true to say that the West Indies were a weak Test team, but their batting line-up still included Gayle, Sarwan, Chanderpaul and Bravo, all good Test batsmen. It is also worth remembering that Panesar had only played 13 Tests at the time and would be rightly considered to be still learning his trade. To so dominate an international side was a great achievement for a young bowler. It also showed that Panesar could bowl consistently well through out a series.

After his most successful series Panesar faced the most difficult time of his Test career, when there would be unbelievable calls for him to be dropped. It was at home against a resurgent India that things started to go wrong. In fairness, though, Panesar's problems in that series, which England lost 1-0, were mirrored by most of the other England bowlers. He still managed to claim 8 wickets and only really failed at the Oval, which was a bore draw on a ridiculous batting paradise, where even Kumble was able to score a chanceless century.

The next series was a forbidding trip to Sri Lanka, against a team who thrived on home soil and who had the best bowler in the world in their ranks, the incomparable Muttiah Muralitharan. To compare Panesar to such an all-time great as Murali is unfair in the extreme, but that is what happened in the hype leading up to the start of the series. Clearly the Sri Lankan batsmen had targetted Panesar as England's danger man and they attacked him from the start. Early on, though, Panesar bowled well and took wickets, but as the series wore on he struggled more and more.

Unable to take enough wickets against such wonderful players of spin, Panesar started to fiddle with his game and lost some of his confidence. The Sri Lankans dominated England and Panesar could not make the breakthroughs he would have expected to. His economy rate was still good, but the Sri Lankans batted patiently against him, accumulating winning totals. It was a lesson for Panesar on what was only his third tour, all of which had been to places where England traditionally struggled. He certainly did not disgrace himself, though like in India before his performances tailed away, suggesting that he still needed to work on his stamina to keep bowling long spells in the heat and humidity.

Finally, against a relatively weak New Zealand, Panesar regained his verve and form, taking 11 wickets in generally seam friendly conditions on England's tour. He has followed that up with 9 wickets in two matches in the current home Test series against the Kiwis, including a man of the match winning, Test best 6 for 37 at Old Trafford just two days ago.

Those who were writing Panesar off should note that he has taken 101 Test wickets in just 28 Tests, including the tough tours of India, Australia and Sri Lanka. It is also revealing to compare Panesar's record after 28 Tests to that of Warne and Muralitharan at the same stage in their careers. Warne had by then established himself as a match winner for the dominating Australians, but had still only taken 125 wickets @24.35, much better than Panesar, but still not out of sight. Interestingly, Warne had only had 6 five wicket hauls to Panesar's 8, with both of them having had one 10 wicket haul. Murali, however, had only taken 107 wickets @30.64, with 7 five wicket hauls, a very similar record to Panesar after 28 matches.

Now, I am not going to say that Panesar will go on to be anywhere near as great as these two legends. For a start he is a finger spinner and does not have the mystique that surrounds Murali and Warne, nor the variety of wicket-taking deliveries. What I will say is that Panesar should improve and continue to take a lot of wickets for England. That he is a proven match-winner already and that it would be foolish in the extreme to consider dropping him unless his form dips alarmingly for an extended period of time, not just a handful of matches.

Championship Review - Week 6

[b]Away from the excitement of the Test at Old Trafford, in Division 1, the Champions beat the league leaders while in Division 2, Middlesex and Essex hung on for what could be vital draws. And Ramps is still waiting for his 100th hundred…[/b]

[b]Division 1[/b]
Starting with the leaders, [b]Nottinghamshire [/b]had [b]Sussex [/b]in all sorts of trouble at 74 for 6 until Matt Prior and Robin Martin-Jenkins put on 142 for the 7th wicket, Prior ending up with 131. Notts scored 251 in reply and with Sussex getting 259 in their second innings, Prior again top scoring, Notts needed 286 to win. With Corey Collymore taking four wickets for the second time in the match, Sussex won by 73 runs as Notts made 212. Notts have had a flying start to the season, Sussex have had a poor start to the season. However, there are now just six points between them as the table closes up again.

Ryan McLaren took 5 for 31 as [b]Kent [/b]bowled [b]Somerset [/b]out for just 202. Kent then made 273, with Martin van Jaarsveld hitting 95. A Marcus Trescothick century brought Somerset back into the game, and their score of 335 meant that Kent were chasing 270 to win. Joe Denly hit 149, but the Kent effort finished 20 runs short and Somerset record their first win of the season to move 4th with a game in hand on all of those above them.

Bizarrely, one of the teams above Somerset, [b]Surrey[/b], are still to register a win, although their strong batting line-up means that there are bonus points a-plenty. The game against [b]Yorkshire [/b]was no different as Surrey declared on 466 for 8, with Mark Butcher scoring 205 and Matt Nicholson 133, the pair of them putting on 231 for the 6th wicket. Mark Ramprakash managed just 29 with 14 in the 2nd innings meaning that he remains on 99 centuries. In reply Jacques Rudolph (121) and Andrew Gale (150) also had a stand of over 200 as Yorkshire racked up 525, thanks also to an unbeaten 84 from Tim Bresnan. Losing three wickets before making up the deficit, Surrey were wobbling. However, Yorkshire were a bowler light due to injury to Rana Naved (Yorkshire’s 5th pace bowler to be injured this season along with Gough, Hoggard, Shahzad and Morkel) and an Usman Afzaal century saw Surrey to safety, closing on 299 for 6.

[b]Division 2[/b]
[b]Northamptonshire [/b]batted first at [b]Glamorgan [/b]an scored an impressive 531 for 8 with Niall O’Brien and David Sales both scoring hundreds, Sales getting 173 of just 151 balls. In reply, Jamie Dalrymple offered solid resistance, with 82 off 212 balls, but the Welshmen were bowled out for 278, well short of the follow-on target. They batted even more poorly second time round, making just 154 for Northants to run out winners by an innings and 99 runs.

My pre-season favourites, [b]Middlesex[/b], have started poorly and managed just 297 at [b]Warwickshire[/b], with Darren Maddy picking up four wickets. In reply, the Bears made 438, with Tony Frost top scoring on 90, putting on 152 for the 5th wicket with Ant Botha. Starting their second innings 141 behind, Billy Godleman hit 87 while Eoin Morgan and Shaun Udal had made an unbeaten stand of 117 as Middlesex finished on 335 for 7 and a draw.

The most exciting finish of the week was at Chelmsford where David Masters took 6 for 24 as [b]Leicestershire [/b]made just 159, Paul Nixon and Jacques du Toit putting on 86 of these for the 6th wicket. However, [b]Essex [/b]did little better, Nadeem Malik taking 6 for 46 as they made 164 for a lead of five runs. In a complete turnaround, the Foxes then made 449 second time round, with HD Ackerman getting a ton and Paul Nixon unbeaten on 92, despite Ryan ten Doeschate taking 5-fer. Needing 445 to win, Essex were always struggling but hung on for a draw thanks to a gutsy lower order resistance, mainly from James Foster scoring 88 from 212 balls, but also Masters scoring just 5 from 87 deliveries, and Tony Palladino with 2 from 53 deliveries.

[b]England Player Watch[/b]
[b]Ravi Bopara[/b] followed a golden duck with 87 for Essex as the pressure builds on the out of form Paul Collingwood, while his main contender for the next batting place, [b]Owais Shah [/b]made 36 and 50 for Middlesex. [b]Joe Denly[/b] also started with a golden duck for Kent, but followed it with 149, while [b]Rob Key[/b] got two starts with 48 and 26. However, change at the top of the England batting line-up seems unlikely.

[b]Matt Prior[/b] kept up his stellar start to the season with a century and a fifty in Sussex’s win, and should be in consideration for a specialist batsman’s role as well as putting pressure on Tim Ambrose. Also keeping up the pressure on Ambrose is [b]Chris Read[/b], who scored a fifty for Notts in the same match and [b]James Foster[/b], whose 88 saved Essex from defeat.

Bowling wise, [b]Tim Bresnan[/b] took four wickets on a batsman friendly track, while his good form with the bat continues. However, the more likely next bowlers in line for England, [b]Chris Tremlett [/b]and [b]Graeme Onions [/b]both had the week off.

[b]Player of the week[/b]
Mentions to [b]Mark Butcher [/b]for his double century, [b]David Sales [/b]for his brutal attack on Glamorgan and [b]David Masters [/b]for six wickets and surviving 87 deliveries as Essex saved the game against Leicestershire. However, the player of the week is the second wicket-keeper of the season to win the award. No other Sussex batsman made a fifty, while he got a ton and a fifty as Notts were defeated, the Player of the Week is [b]Matt Prior[/b].

What if God was a an opener

The West Indies have God on their side.

3 times a day they pray to some sort of Christian god type creature.

Australia pray to know one, and prey on everyone.

So does God, in a Christian in the clouds sort of way, exist?

Based on yesterdays results, no.

Australia, a secular nation, with it’s most religious player out with a non god related injury, smited the Windies.

God, Jesus and Johnny Cash were unable to save them.

The Windies are growing as a cricket team, but they are not fully grown.

These are the things they could spend their prayer time on.

Facing the bowling machine, named Stuart Clark.

Talking to Desmond Haynes about building an innings.

Paint ball.

Listening to the Easy Star All Stars.

Training.

Studying the history of test cricket, and how lucky they are to be allowed to participate in it.

Working out a way to get Roy out.

Watching Night of the Living Dead.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

kiwis can't fly, windies neither

The day started with New Zealand in a great position, and the Windies in a good position.

It ended with New Zealand being embarrassed, and the Windies falling apart.

The results were not that surprising.

England had built a platform the night before, Australia was always going to be hard to climb.

But it was the little things that worried me.

New Zealand seemed to have no real intensity all day.

They just simply never looked like winning.

When KP had run himself out, and Bell & Collingwood were faffing about, New Zealand should have been up and firing.

But there was a distinct lack of Australia or South Africa like hunger.

There should have been fire & Brimstone, not marshmellows and milk.

It was almost as if they just decided this wasn’t their day.

When Iain O’Brien dropped a catch that the star of turtles can fly would have caught, he looked like a basket case waiting to happen.

Almost all the Kiwis dropped their heads.

Instead of thinking that they were creating chances, they seemed to think, well we had our shot.

One more wicket and they could have won, but they clearly did not believe that.

New Zealand do not know how to win, they know how to watch the other side fall apart, but that’s where they stop.

They are like a sensitive dude who the ladies all like, and who the ladies all wanna do nasty things with, but the dude doesn’t know it and he just sits in the corner with a woe is me look on his face.

The Windies had other problems, their top order only has two stars.

One went out playing across the line, one went out with a soft push back to the bowler.

Shit happens however.

The problem was that no one, Chrab included wanted to fight.

They started positively, but once Sarwan went out, and Clark was in his swing, they clearly did not want to put in the hard work.

And that it didn’t hurt the Windies enough to lose.

Sarwan and Bravo were laughing and clowning around as their team was 6 for not many.

That is not good enough.

There is a reason Australia has been a great side, they hate to lose.

Really really hate it.

Ponting was in a foul mood all the way through the 2005 ashes.

Border was in a shit mood all the way through the 80’s.

And Steve Waugh is still angry because he lost a game of go fish against his brother in ’74.

Sarwan did not look like a test captain who was about to lose a test match, he looked like a dude who was talking about what his missus does when shes drunk.

The Windies are like the well dressed dude that the ladies gravitate to. But instead of putting in the hard work, buying the drinks, doing the dancing, and listening to their stories, he retires back to his mates and says things like, did you see her tits.

Fail.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Monday, May 26, 2008

New Zealand let me down

There will be a full review of the New Zealand/Windies debacle.

But for now, you can look at the blogging tipping contest, where New Zealand and Jamie How burnt me bad.

Once thing I am an expert on is Prince Brendan's strike rate.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

OBO of West Indies chase

Please refresh page every 5 minutes for my brilliant early morning insights on this chase.

Feel free to comment and such.

Clark is tormenting the Windies, my man Tupac Morton is trying his best to get an edge.

King Cricket are talking about our Roy being a terrible batsman in a crisis.

Read here.

Devon Smith just left a ball pitched on middle, straightning, at a lovely stump hitting height. But he did use his pad as a defense, the umpire wasn't fooled they. LBW to Clark. Seriously, if i may, that was really really really really shit batting. Windies imploding.

Lee is not looking quite as ominous as Clark. Smith played an odd leg glance in that over, but got 4 from it.

Already the pitch looks a little more dangerous, cricket is a psychological exam, today New Zealand failed.

Windies started well, looked all free flowing and shit, but nothing like losing your captain to fuck that up. Two maidens since then.

Sarwan is out, courtesy of a weird bunting effort from Roy at Cover. Clark had worked Sarwan over beautifully. If your kid is a medium pacer with limited talent you should show them lots of tapes of Staurt Clark.

I have just decided at 12:47 in the AM, that i will provide you with a OBO of the Windies chase.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

new zealand, pull your pants off

England are currently de-pansting New Zealand.

This is ugly.

Blame the Heavy roller.

Blame Al Gore.

Blame the fact New Zealand weren’t the underdogs.

Or you could look at England’s run rate.

Over 3 an over.

Interesting.

It’s almost as if they came out and tried to win the test.

KP hit a six.

Delightful.

Strauss is batting at a strike rate of over 50.

Exquisite.

England are playing positive cricket, they had to.

The Kiwis look shot, their collapses seem to have taught the English top order how to handle this wicket.

I do not argue that in certain circumstances defensive cricket is needed in test matches.

But the best defense is a good arson.

England should win this test, even though the wing commander Strauss just went out.

If England were to play in this fashion more often, they would be a pretty good cricket side.

BUT, they could win a lot of tests if they retained this positive attitude.

Like they did around 2005.

Ofcourse, they could still lose.

Which would make for great viewing, and the suicides of many English batsman.

Onto to Sabina Park for the fans of the Underdogs.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

the promise of breakfast

The England need motivation to win a test.

The Windies need divine intervention.

So I thought I’d do my bit to help.

Which ever team manages to chase down their total with the fewest wickets down, gets a bacon and egg extravaganza cooked by yours truly.

The cooking shall be done in the nude.

This is motivation for England, as they love bacon and eggs.

And Divine intervention for the Windies, as I am divine.

Clearly.

Even with my help this is going to be hard for the two countries.

The pitch at Old Trafford is so spicy Monty looked like Bishen Bedi.

The pitch at Sabina Park is starting to resemble Melbourne.

Both sides have lost an opener.

Both sides have two key batsmen to dismiss, and then it’s a bit of a crap shoot.

On the England’s side is the fact that New Zealand are favourites.

On the West Indies’ side is that Stuart MacGill has bowled them to a record chase before.

Against the England is they struggle against Vettori when he doesn’t spin it.

Against the Windies is that Simon Katich picked up 6 wickets last week.

Will England try to win?

Will the Kiwis crumble?

Will Australia implode?

Will the Chrab remember any of it?www.cricketwithballs.com

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Sunday, May 25, 2008

Veruca Sidebottom, or Sidebottom the stroppy

I haven’t seen a lot of him bowl.

I saw him in Sri Lanka, New Zealand and now in this series.

But I don’t remember him being a stroppy cow like he is now.

I am pretty sure he said to Mills “I want an oompa loompa now daddy”.

The stroppiness has reached Nel like levels.

But Nel is funny.

Ryan is not.

For a man with a severe waddle to the wicket, he seems overly confident.

I know he won the series in New Zealand, but, wickets don’t allow you stroppiness, nothing allows you stroppiness.

Worst examples of Ryan’s new found stroppiness.

His treatment of English fielders. Ryan they are not your biaches, they are people too.

His faux throwing back at the batsman. It’s uncoordinated, and you don’t pick up the ball half the time.

His head head whips, which look flat out ridiculous.

His spitting in anger, he looks like a snake trying to eat a dodo egg.

Sidebottom was a chane to be a working class hero.

The cover band drummer hair do.

The ample caboose.

The waddle to the wicket.

The wickets.

But now he could be alienating the very people who want to make him a cult hero.

I know Allan Donald told you to be aggressive Ryan, but you look like a cock when you do it.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Hear My Prayer, O Rain Gods

Dearest Rain Gods

You treated me well today (Sunday). It rained and RAINED this morning, so that we didn't have to do a Corpus Christi day procession outside through the streets. Thank you, sincerely. Then this afternoon the skies cleared and you gave us beautiful weather for the party I went to.
Now I have one more favour to ask.
Please please PLEASE could there be no rain, snow, bad light, sleet, drizzle, mizzle, or snow tomorrow in Manchester or Jamaica.
For the avoidance of doubt, Rain Gods, I mean MONDAY in the UK, NOT Tuesday. Don't get confused by the Aussie timings on this site.

I know that it's a Bank Holiday in the UK and that therefore rain is practically compulsory, but please try to contain yourselves, just this once.
You see, there are two very exciting run chases happening, and it would break my heart if either match were to be ruined by your capricious will.
England need 218 more runs to win, although they have Tuesday too so I don't mind a little bit of rain if it's all part of your masterplan to provide an exciting finale to what has already been a brilliantly twisty-turny test match.

England looked down and out, you see, but then the Kiwis imploded in a very, well, English manner, leaving the match Intriguingly Poised.
The West Indies, though, only have tomorrow in which to get 241 runs to beat the mighty Australia. Australia, Rain Gods! The Windies bowled them out for 167!

So it comes down to 241 runs, or 9 wickets, in one day. It's practically the definition of Intriguingly Poised!
That is all, Rain Gods, that is all I ask. www.cricketwithballs.com

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Are Australia, Australia?

What do we know about Australia for the last ten years?

Arrogant.

Organised.

Clever.

Brutal.

Hungry.

Champions.

What do we know about the new Australia?

Careful.

Professional.

Fragile.

Nervous.

Defensive.

Talented.

Australia had a run rate of 1.7 when they lost 4 wickets to the Windies.

Think about how many times you’ve seen Australia bat that slow.

Australia has used a night watch man twice in this game.

How many times did Australia use a nightwatchman under Steve Waugh?

Australia has one champion batsman in their team.

The 80’s were the last time that happened.

Australia has a make shift opener.

Justin Langer was a make shift opener, that worked out ok, but Katich doesn’t look like doing the same.

Australia have no champion bowlers.

Wait let me check.

No, none.

Brett Lee’s average is 29, no ten wicket hauls (yet).

Clark has come into a good team and performed well, no ten wicket hauls.

MacGill is better than average, and a great wicket taker, but lets the pressure off too easily, 2 ten wicket hauls.

Johnson is still not good with a red ball, never taken more than 6 wickets in a match.

They are still the best side in the world.

But, only because no one else is good enough.

India, Sri Lanka and South Africa, all have glaring holes in their line ups, which at this stage is all that is keeping Australia on top.

Australia smashed Sri Lanka.

Australia were 2 nil up against India.

And South Africa has their chance after Australia visit India.

This current line up is probably not the worst side they have had in the last 10 years, but it's close, and it has less match winners than any side since '92.

Ponting wanted to stamp his mark on this side, finally he is, because he has a whole new side.

They are cautious, professional, well researched, fiery, but they are not as good as they were.

The list of players they are missing from 3 years ago is huge.

G McGrath, statistically the best fast bowler in Australian history.

S Warne, arguably the best spinner ever.

A Gilchrist, best batting keeper ever.

J Gillespie, steady as a train fast bowling bagman.

D Martyn, one time unbeatable number 4.

J Langer, the punchy opening batsman.

And M Hayden, the bullying Christian warrior, who is temporarily out of action.

Ponting is going to be tested this series.

Australia might still win 3 zip, but he will have to keep improving as a captain.

Questions continue to be asked, and Australia keeps passing, but the marks are getting lower and lower.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Foreplay, no middle order and a good Broad

Ross Taylor managed to make 154 off 176 deliveries on this pitch.

Strauss followed on from Taylor’s innings by facing 36 less balls, and making 94 less runs.

Shocking.

MP Vaughn faced 7 less balls than Strauss and made half the runs.

Appallingly horribly frustratingly completely shithouse.

England faced 7 less overs than NZ, for a mere 180 less runs.

The entire English top order, fumbles Ambrose included, should be forced to watch their innings for 3 days on end.

I will get the match sticks.

Then, and only then, will they know the pain.

If England lose this test, and you would assume it’s on the cards, they have their top order to blame.

Stuart Broad out batted his whole top order, with intent, if not statistically.

He did this weird thing called batting.

Not prodding.

Not defending.

Not bunting.

But batting.

Making runs, changing the strike, attacking, and generally batting like the English top order do in their wet dreams.

England can blame the pitch, they can blame global warming, they can blame Richard Kelly’s Southland tales, but it comes down to endeavour.

New Zealand has it.

England has yet to find it.

I have heaps more to write, but I’d rather watch Taylor bat.

No I have more to say.

KP, out to the softest prod this side of Matthew hoggard.

Bell, just wafted outside like he was on the take.

Collingwood, was clearly trying to go out his hole time at the crease.

And Ambrose, managed to get an edge to a ball that a half step forward was a half volley.

Ok that's it.

I can't write about this any more, it's getting me angry.

And I'm not English.www.cricketwithballs.com

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What to do from here?

How many times have we said that recently? The first 5-0 Ashes defeat for over 80 years? Failing to win a live game against a major Test-playing nation at the World Cup? Losing at home to India? Getting bowled out for 81 in Sri Lanka? Being timidity personified in Hamilton against an admirable but not overly threatening attack, against whom England batted for 173 overs, but scored at a soporofic two-an-over, and then subsiding pathetically in the second innings for 110? Coming on the back of New Zealand being decimated by the IPl and ICL, to whom they essentialy lost half their side including their most valuable player, Shane Bond, that would take some beating.

And yet Engaland have managed it. Scrapping over the follow-on target against the Kiwis at Old Trafford was just about as depressing as it comes. Dan Vettori has bowled with mesmerising guile (much better in fact, than he bowled in New Zealand), while Ian O'Brien has been fantastic. But England have been diffident and pathetic, showing no inclination to hit bowlers off their rhythm, allowing themselves to be trapped in their crease meekly, barely able to hit a run and just wait for their inevitable dismissals. If New Zealand have been fantastic, it is in large part because they have been allowed to be.

With the ball, England were far too loose, once more unable to exploit fairly helpful conditions. The bowlers seem incapable of thinking on their feet. While Ross Taylor played a phenomenal innings, testament to his rare talent, England totally lacked discipline or skill. James Anderson is far too erratic for Test cricket, and must immediately be dispensed with. Monty Panesar's downward curve continues; he is symptomatic of England's struggles when the opposition do something unexpected.

A damning indictement of this side is they have not learned from their feebleness in Hamilton, and have repeated all the same mistakes. The batting was abject once more. It is an oft-quoted statistic that all the top six average over 40, but those averages have been in decline for some time. Furthermore, the averages are boosted both by feasting on minnows and today's generally easier batting conditions. 40 is clearly no longer the mark of a top-class Test batsman. The batting lineup seems fundamentally flawed, and rejigging the pack cannot disguise it. Men of skill and desire, such as Owais Shah and Rob Key (and, given the desperation of the situation and the need to win the next game, rather than plan for some mythical date in the future, perhaps even Mark Ramprakash or his captain Mark Butcher, enjoying the purplest of patches), should be brought in, not just for the quality they possess but for the message it would send. The decision to drop Andrew Strauss and simultaneously hand him a new central contract was a half-hearted signal at best; and he got back in without making a run.

The skipper led by example, eeking out an agonising 133-ball 30. He often talks of helping his players "express themselves"; yet he himself was patently incapable of doing that. Ian Bell's innings surprised no one - a painstaking start followed by a somewhat half-hearted waft outside offstump. Paul Collingwood, for the second consecutive innings, looked out of his depth. He maximises his talent, certainly, but is painfully out-of-form - he has not passed 6 in six innings this season - and, ultimately, is simply perhaps not good enough at Test level. The most depressing innings, however, was played by England's best batsman.

Kevin Pietersen has gradually gone from being a maverick, and a genius capable of decimating the bowling with his idiosyncratic brand of fearlessnes, into a man seemingly lacking faith in his own ability. The transformation was inevitable in some respects (as I have discussed before), and is not without its benefits. Maturity has brought some positive aspects, of course, but it is grim watching the contrast between him and Taylor, surely no more talented, on the same pitch in the same match.

This is, at last in part, an indictement of the England set-up. Are players so well-rewarded, that they are so desperate to cling onto their places that they are paralysed by fear? The culture appears to gradually suck the individuality out of players; they are spoon-fed by legions of support staff, and subsequently have lost the ability to think for themselves. This extends even to the captain and coach, who refrain from indulging in horses-for-courses of any sort - the merits of which were reaffirmed by O'Brien's sterling endeavours here. The stability of central contracts has clearly gone way too far: it appears easier to get into the side than out of it. What to do? Sack the lot of 'em? England need a shakeup of sorts, even if it has the whiff of '90s short-termism about it.

4/17 and shiv's headache

Mitchell Johnson is the allrounder Australia has always wanted, bowling 140 clicks and batting at number 5 or 6.

Simon Katich is the opener no one ever wanted.

Phabulous Phil Jacques does not like to go out to bat without Hayden.

Ponting and Hussey are sick and tired of opening the batting.

Lord Megachief of gold, also known as Shivnarine Chandrepaul, got so tired lifting his team, he had a nap during a not so short ball from Lee and almost joined Daniel Flynn.

Runako went for one too many.

Put all that in a bowl and what do you get?

A test Australia should still win, but it’s intriguingly poised as you might say.

Plusses for Australia

Can’t fail at the top of the order again this match.

Windies couldn’t get Roy out in the first innings.

Australia are already 136 in front with 6 in hand.

Haddin will be out to finish off Ronchi speculation.

Hodge is used to batting in a side where the top order fails.

Lee & Clark are not going to be easy to get past.

Plusses for Windies

Chandrepaul is still alive.

4/17 is not a bad place to have any side.

Young players like playing with momentum.

Johnson and MacGill are letting a lot of pressure off.

Could be interesting, or Australia could win by 200 hundred runs.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Saturday, May 24, 2008

Is short bowling the new black

In the last 2 days I have seen batsman worked over.

Somehow I missed Daniel Flynn and his teeth defence.

But I did see Runako Morton and Jacob Oram have to play long spells from their throats.

And isn’t it good to see.

Morton and Oram dispatch anything full, they are brutal with full balls.

But drop the ball in short, aim at their throats, and they turn into little bunny rabbits.

England don’t have any out and out quicks, but that didn’t stop their male models and the cover band drummer attacking Oram repeatedly.

And boy did he look dodgy.

You would hardly believe he was the same man who smoted the Poms a week earlier.

He is not the first tall batsman to look dodgy against the short stuff, but it's nice to knwo he is human.

Runako smokes balls that are full, when he hits them, but with Brett Lee working him over, his elbow looked to get more work than his bat.

It seems odd to see a West Indian batsman get worked over by the short ball so well.

They only reason he didn't go out to it was dumb luck.

The way both of these boys played the short ball, they both better get used to facing it.

And I can't wait to see it.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Australia and West Indies show why Tests are best

For those of us for whom England's 12th consecutive match against New Zealand is a less-than-enthralling prospect, West Indies' Test with Australia has captivated and reaffirmed what we already knew: Twenty20 may come and go but Test cricket remains the pinnacle.

Three days in, the game has showcased cricket at its very best. A majestic century from Ricky Ponting in tricky circumstances, followed by a fine half-century from Brad Hodge, benefiting from a series of ill-fortune to earn a surprise recall. The West Indies then rallied commendably. Australia's bowlers struggled, but were bailed out by Stuart Clark. Exhibiting the virtues of line, length, a touch of seam and the most phlegmatic of temperaments, Clark showed why he has enjoyed such a phenomenal start to his Test career.

West Indies then fought back, before Brett Lee and Mitchell Johnson, having previously suffered from no-ball problems, responded superbly, in a way the shorter forms of the game allows ample time. Lee then hit Shivnarine Chanderpaul on the helmet. The West Indies feared he would go off. Chanderpaul remained resolute, exploding into life and reaching a majestic century. His performances over the last 12 months have been little sort of astounding; his idiosyncratic technique and unrivalled concentration making bowlers the world over thankful for the brittleness of his team-mates. In his last 16 innings, he has passed 50 on 11 occasions, with four centuries and many others denied by being undefeated or resorting to slogging when left stranded, as so often, with the tail. Despite his brilliance, an Australian lead of 119 seemingly made comfortable victory inevitable.

How can a game played over five days change so much in so little a timespan? How indeed. The West Indians were simply lethal on the third evening: Fidel Edwards and Daren Powell were outstanding, hostile and able to swing the ball late - with devastating results. The sight of Michael Hussey's stumps being decimated as Australia slipped to 12/4 was testament to the capacity of this game to produce sport at its most riveting and astounding. Twenty runs off an over simply does not come close to matching the simmering of tension; the personal, sometimes gladitorial, duels; and an even contest between bat and ball.

As the cricketing world threatens to lose all sanity in its approach to Twenty20, a worthy and sometimes captivating game but one that risks saturation, Test cricket has been done sterling service by this match just when many appeared willing to forget its merits. And if Test cricket is to enjoy a resurgence, wouldn't it help if these shoots of a West Indies revival grew into something more substantial?

The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself

So.

2006, Sri Lanka come to England and are deeply unfancied. They hang on for a draw in the first Test, with randoms such as Kulasekara contributing to one of the best rearguards I can remember. They go on to draw the test series, and then proceed to spank England so comprehensively in the one-dayers that some players never properly recovered (Alex "Doosra" Loudon, I'm looking in your direction).
2007, India come to England. They hang on for a draw in the first Test, with MS Dhoni of all people digging in at the close, go on to win the Test series, and take England to the wire in the one-dayers.
2008, the Kiwis. The English weather plus England's limpness contribute to a draw in the first test. The second test, the Kiwis put on 381 in their first innings.
Surely not again?

This series may actually turn out to be very interesting, people. Things of note that have happened today: Ross Taylor scored a rather gorgeous 154 not out. The dude gives pretty good interview too, I thought. England were Not Very Good in the field, to the extent that when Ian Bell took the last catch he threw the ball into the ground in disgust, I like to think at himself.Sidebottom can feel rather hard done by (again - and just when he thought he might get better support, with Matt Prior having been dropped). The lowlight was probably Stuart Broad fumbling a catch by not being far out enough at the boundary, and somehow (despite having several grasps of it) spooning it over for a six. Ryan was then sent in as nightwatchman, and provided further evidence for the "Nightwatchman Is So Last Season" theory by lasting seven balls. According to Athers, Jacob "Perfect Boyfriend" Oram is the most economical bowler in world cricket at the moment.A large inflatable jelly bean drifted onto the pitch and Jeetan Patel made a complete hash of collecting it. In case you were marvelling at Jeetan Patel being on the field of play at all, and have also happened to have missed all cricket news for the last 24 hours - he is substitute fielder for poor little Daniel Flynn who took an absolute ripper straight in the mouth from James Anderson yesterday, losing blood, teeth and dignity and having to retire hurt. He was unable to bat again today. No, I didn't realise the English bowlers were so potent either. <p align="justify">At close of play on day two The England were on 152 - 4, and Kevin Pietersen is lucky not to have been out already after what looked like a pretty stone-cold lbw shout from Thinking Woman's Crumpet Daniel Vettori. I'll be doing my best to watch tomorrow, around other activities, so stay tuned.

www.cricketwithballs.com

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Runako, pass the clip

I have been a fan of Runako Morton’s batting style since the first time I saw his back lift.

When I watch him bat, I am waiting for one shot, and one shot only.

The bottom hand drive.

Runako plays the drive like it’s his last chance at freedom.

It’s like he is trying to get the man’s foot outta his ass.

Although it may just be that his helmet is over his eyes and he is swinging and hoping.

But it’s entertaining either way.

Every drive he plays is like an outta control slog, even if the ball is a half volley and he hits it on the ground.

In test cricket, one shouldn’t be able to survive with such a technique, but let us sit and enjoy it while it’s working.

Occasionally.

The good thing about his technique is that if he breaks his left hand it won’t matter, as it seems to be of no real use to him anyway.

And since he shares his middle name with another, I’ll let the other explain Runako.

Gots to be the first one to hit ya when we meet

Comin quickly up the streets, is the punk ass police

The first one jumped out and said, "Freeze!"

I popped him in his knees and shot him, punk.. please..

Cause cops should mind they business, when we rush

Now you're pleadin like a bitch, cause you don't know how to.. hush..
Exactly.www.cricketwithballs.com

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mark butcher emails me

He really does.

Read here for full Butcher related email news.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Friday, May 23, 2008

built like adonis, tastes like sugar and food colouring

Freddy Flintoff, built like a rugby player, bowls like a superstar, bats like a rugby player.

Matthew Hayden, built like a Frank Miller character, bats like a Frank Miller anti hero.

Shane Watson, built like a Calvin Klein model, plays like a Calvin Klein model.

Jacob Oram, built like the perfect boyfriend, bats like an axeman, bowls like a ballerina.

What do all these players have in common, other than they are the male equivalent of amazonian women.

That's right my intelligent regular reader, they are all jelly bean players.

A jelly bean player is built like tarzan, and plays like Shane (Watson).

The ohysio know their moles by touch.

Ice baths are how they relax.

And they some times have relapses from injury.

They are too athletic, too muscular, and too fit to play International cricket.

Cricket is the place for the over weight.

The dreadfully skinny.

The normal sized, with large behinds.

These are the ideal sizes for cricketers.

Someone fit, strong and healthy, is just testing fate by playing cricket.

All these players have had a terrible recent run with injuries, because they are not made for this world.

Freddy should be a pack scrum forward 5/8th type guy.

Hayden should be clubbing seals in Alaska.

Shane should be stripping naked for photo shoots, more often.

And Oram should take his rightful place as the thinking woman's Fabio.

Cricket is tough on fit men.


(big thanks to Mel for the picture)www.cricketwithballs.com

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Still haven't found what you're looking for?

Some of you don't seem to understand Google.
You are supposed to put in search terms that you think might be in the source text that you are looking for.
You are NOT meant to ask questions, unless you are looking on the internet for an instance of that question being asked. (Sigh).
However, as I am so good, kind and generous, I have - yes that's right! - taken it upon myself to use the correct conduit for your questions, AQA (who should really be paying me for my constant, relentless promotion of them on this site or at the very least sending me some kind of pretty gift), to find your answers.So:

[b]Q: Where can I get glasses like brendon mccullum [/b][b]
[/b]A: " 'Leader Boston ' glasses are similar to Brendan McCullum's and cost £32.50 from www.gosportsspex.co.uk . However, they do not have prescription lenses."
Note how AQA subtlely but firmly corrects the misspelling of "Brendan". A researcher after my own heart, I think.

[b]
Q: what wristband is stuart broad wearing[/b]
A: "Sorry, AQA can't find what wristband Stuart Broad is wearing. Stuart was born on 24 June 1986 in Nottingham. He is 6 feet and 5 inches tall."
O noes! AQA!

[b]
Q: how to pronounce pomersbach[/b]
A: "The surname Pomersbach is pronounced "pommers bash". It looks as though you'd pronounce the "bach" bit as the composer's name, but apparently not."
I conspicuously avoid making a "pommy bash" joke. The Jrod didn't, so in return I confirm for the Aussies that the composer "Bach" is basically pronounced "bark".

[b]
Q: suggest a good name for my new cricket team [/b][b]
[/b]A: A good name for your new cricket team could be "The Wicket Takers", "The Century Runners", "The Willow Whackers" or the "Village Green Gang".
They're not brilliantly imaginative, but any of these are better than "Mumbai Indians".

[b]Q: why did people become bushrangers[/b]
A: "a "bushranger" is defined as "a person living far from civilisation". In the historical sense, it refers to an outlaw living in the bush. "
Far from civilisation? Harsh on Melbourne, very harsh.

Yes, I am aware that people who now google these phrases are going to end up at this post, which I believe is what they call "meta".

Oh, and for the person who googled "crazy women females girls for Daniel Vettori" - yes, you've come to the right place. www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Some of you don't seem to understand Google.
You are supposed to put in search terms that you think might be in the source text that you are looking for.
You are NOT meant to ask questions, unless you are looking on the internet for an instance of that question being asked. (Sigh).
However, as I am so good, kind and generous, I have - yes that's right! - taken it upon myself to use the correct conduit for your questions, AQA (who should really be paying me for my constant, relentless promotion of them on this site or at the very least sending me some kind of pretty gift), to find your answers.So:

[b]Q: Where can I get glasses like brendon mccullum [/b][b]
[/b]A: " 'Leader Boston ' glasses are similar to Brendan McCullum's and cost £32.50 from www.gosportsspex.co.uk . However, they do not have prescription lenses."
Note how AQA subtlely but firmly corrects the misspelling of "Brendan". A researcher after my own heart, I think.

[b]
Q: what wristband is stuart broad wearing[/b]
A: "Sorry, AQA can't find what wristband Stuart Broad is wearing. Stuart was born on 24 June 1986 in Nottingham. He is 6 feet and 5 inches tall."
O noes! AQA!

[b]
Q: how to pronounce pomersbach[/b]
A: "The surname Pomersbach is pronounced "pommers bash". It looks as though you'd pronounce the "bach" bit as the composer's name, but apparently not."
I conspicuously avoid making a "pommy bash" joke. The Jrod didn't, so in return I confirm for the Aussies that the composer "Bach" is basically pronounced "bark".

[b]
Q: suggest a good name for my new cricket team [/b][b]
[/b]A: A good name for your new cricket team could be "The Wicket Takers", "The Century Runners", "The Willow Whackers" or the "Village Green Gang".
They're not brilliantly imaginative, but any of these are better than "Mumbai Indians".

[b]Q: why did people become bushrangers[/b]
A: "a "bushranger" is defined as "a person living far from civilisation". In the historical sense, it refers to an outlaw living in the bush. "
Far from civilisation? Harsh on Melbourne, very harsh.

Yes, I am aware that people who now google these phrases are going to end up at this post, which I believe is what they call "meta".

Oh, and for the person who googled "crazy women females girls for Daniel Vettori" - yes, you've come to the right place. www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.