how i sees em

Some of you may notice I see cricket differently.

You guys see a leg spinner, I see an absurdist.

You see a test nation, I see an ex lover.

You see Shaun Pollock play cricket, I pretend he never played.

You see Jacques Kallis, I see a dud root.

So when I look at international batsmen this is what I see.

Michael Clarke â€" a teenage boy who is eagerly trying to please his mates hot mum. The more Cleavage she gives, the more excited he gets.

Sanath Jayasuriya - slices the ball like some Genghis Khan wannabe.

Virender Sehwag â€" bats like a dude who will fu©k anything. Doesn’t matter if he hits or misses, just likes to get laid a lot.

Adam Gilchrist â€" swings the bat like a junkie swatting away imaginary monkeys.

Kumar Sangakarra â€" has the presence of Lee Marvin whilst holding a bat, and almost as funny as Lee whilst using the gloves.

Matty Hayden - bats like a 14 year old kid beating the sh1t out of a 10 year old kid.

Graeme Smith - tries to bat like a 14 year old kid beating the sh1t out of a 10 year old kid.

Kevin Pietersen â€" is a lot like Robbie Williams, wishes he could make it big in America, must learn to be content with the fact he gets laid a lot regardless of America.

Michael Hussey â€" is a robot sent from the future to destroy us.

Jacques Kallis â€" has the rare ability to suck the fun out of cricket to such a degree, you wonder how hard it would be to use a sniper rifle.

Shahid Afridi â€" bats like an ice addict who has just gunned down two cops and knows they’re gonna find him soon.

Runako Morton â€" is something of a Howard Hughes batsman.

Sachin Tendulkar â€" bats like a kid with a bat 4 times too heavy, 3 times too long, and yet has found a way to use it.

Shivnarine Chandrepaul â€" stands at the crease like a kid from Chernobyl, bats like a kid from Harvard Law school.

Stephen Fleming â€" always seems to have a good book in the change room.

Michael Vaughn â€" Used to be a batsmen.

Ian Bell â€" is a carpenter with all the tools, and very little knowledge of when and where to use them.

Ross Taylor â€" is like a really hot chick, who knows she is really hot, and therefore not that hot.

Chris Gayle â€" a drunken Canadian woodchopper.

Mohammad Ashraful â€" is William Shatner in Star Trek, flashes of brilliance, but it will be a long time before he gets to Boston Legal.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"