Monday, March 31, 2008

Beau Casson selects the right state

Oh I’m fu©king pissed off right now.

Beau fu©king Casson.

Fu©king New South Wales does it again.

Who the fu©k is Beau Casson you may ask.

Well he was a Western Australian who got snatched by New South Wales and obviously got told if he came to New South Wales all his fears of never playing for Australia would evaporate.

The touring squad of the West Indies has been selected and Beau Casson’s baggy green can be taken out of the brown paper bag.

Bryce McGain’s baggy green remains as real as the moon landing or Pamela Anderson’s breasts.

According to Andrew Hilditch, chief selector of New South Wales & Australia, "We have taken the opportunity to take a young spinner and by far the best performed of these during the Australian summer has been Beau Casson."

What he means is, we aren’t taking Bryce McGain, because he is a, too old, b, too victorian and c, a talented and proven cricketer.

Lets take the bloke who bowled on a spinners paradise all year and still ended up with 9 less wickets than McGain and with a worse average.

And that doesn’t even take into account that Casson picked up a 4 wicket haul when the Vics were making a reckless play for glory on the 5th day crumbler at the SCG.

That was the day Dirty Dirk smashed him around.

Of course he is the best young spinner in the country, because there simply are no others.

But mid way thorough the year he couldn’t buy a wicket with a stolen credit card.

And don’t you dare mention his batting Andrew. Someone who bats like him is not a test match allrounder, at best he is a Hoggard/Gillespie tail ender at this stage.

Suddenly the Australia selectors are worrying about the age of cricketers, suddenly they don’t want the second best spinner, but the spinner who is younger.

So does this mean they have changed their selection policies again?

Weren’t they picking the best cricketers regardless of age when Clark, Hodge and Hussey were picked?

Do they have selection policies?

Is there a website I can click onto that says, CA Selection policy, download here for pdf, or click here if you want them written in Goats blood on your dogs corpse.

I personally had high hopes for Beau Casson when he was a youngster, but having seen him bowl some horrible spells and some benign spells this year, in person, in the very same game Bryce took 5 for against a better batting line up, there is simply no question who the better bowler is right now.

If we choose to play two spinners in the West Indies, then the second spinner cannot be a project player, he must be a test match strength spinner, and right now, for this tour, Bryce is the better option.

He puts pressure on batsmen, he rarely bowls bad balls, and he gets the very best batsmen out.

Plus he almost single handedly won Victoria the Ford Ranger cup with a spell of bowling that had Bill Lawry Pigeon’s looking very nervous.

But I’m not biased at all.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

last week's poll

Last week the overwhelming thoughts of you kiddies is that Darrell Hair is a perennial @ss clown and will Fu©k up soon.

41% think in it will happen in a nano second, which is going to be very hard to time.

John Davison and Reformed man took out the majority of the rest of the votes.

This week we delve into which batsman bore us to the very most over the last year.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Sreensanth gets lucky

For those who want to see Sreesanth get his junk squeezed by another Indian player, which i'm assuming is everyone, go visit John.

Sreesanth looks very annoyed, whomever it is has a firm grip, and as we all know Sreesanth likes a softer touch.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Hey, Malcom, what's holding the towel up?

The ICC head hunted a South African to run the biz.

Imtiaz Patel was the man they wanted for CEO.

But he decided that he was not the man for the job.

Even though the ICC had already announced this was their dude, Imtiaz had never really decided.

That is top notch Cricket Administracration right there.

I think I know why he didn’t want it, he is clearly in the running to be starring in the South African version of Married With Children.


Note the eyes, dead with a touch of despair, and almost covered by the eye lids.

The weak chin, that says, I have no self respect.

The receding, but not quite fully bald, hair, like its confused as what to do next.

The bags under the eyes, that are only there to hold the eyes in place, and have no aesthetic quality what so ever.

The nose, a slight bend from his days as a quarterback at Polk High.

And the general look of unhappiness that emanates from every pore of this man

The perfect Al Bundy, but not the perfect CEO of the ICC.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Episode 4 - the podcast

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Click here, to subscribe on itunes.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Epsiode 4 - the podcast

Powered by Podbean.com

Click here, to subscribe on itunes.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Shane plays winning hands

Shane Warne has retired from English first class cricket.

Not First class cricket.

He retired from Victoria when he retired from Australia, which as we all know is the only first class competition in the world.

But he has decided that Hampshire isn’t as important as poker or 2020 cricket.

The same 2020 that he refused to play for Hampshire.

He has never been known as a moral man, but surely this is a bit late to be pulling out of a season, to play somewhere else for money.

Let’s hope someone else doesn’t offer him a dollar more than his 2020 team otherwise he might end up wrestling against the incredible hulk in Burma.

He has always said he will honour his contract with Hampshire, offcourse he said that before a better contract came along.

He has been replaced by mask ur anus, who is also following the trail of benjamins to India and will miss the start of the season.

Warne is also playing poker, not poke her, professionally, I am sure that will give him all the thrills bowling to Brian Lara used towww.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Uncle J Rod needs you the people

People, this is your Uncle J Rod pleading with you to comment on the send me to the wisden cricketer campaign.

I thank all the people have asked for me to go so far, but 16 comments will hardly sway such a beautiful magazine as the wisden cricketer.

So people, even if you are a normal non commenter, please comment, send me to them.

Otherwise I may have to get a little over the top and start mentioning it in every post like I did with David Hussey.

And no one wants that…

Do they.

Comment here.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

kanye's cricket biographies

Because of the draw today my mind started to wander.

Here is a liost of Kanye West and Cricketers and hangers on they remind me of.

Gold Digger â€" Shane Bond

“I aint saying she a gold digger, but she aint messin with no broke niggaz.”

Jesus Walks â€" Adam Gilchrist

“I aint here to argue about his facial features, or here to convert atheists into believers”

All falls down â€" Marcus Trescothick

“She’s so self conscious, she has no idea what’s she’s doin in college”

Touch the sky â€" Virender Sehwag

“Before the day I die, I’m gonna touch the sky”

My way home â€" Imran Khan

“Might not be such a bad idea if I never go home again”

Crack music â€" Sunil Gavaskar

“I throw a little sumtin simtin on the pulpit”

Roses â€" Damien Martyn

“can you sign some t shirts, bitch is ya smoking reefer”

Diamonds from Sierra Leone â€" Sachin Tendulkar

“Forever ever? Forever ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever?”

Hey mama â€" Channel 9 commentary team (except Richie)

“You're like a book of poetry, Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni, turn one page and there's my mommy”

Gone â€" Me to Bhaji and Haydos

“Little girls please stop you’re crying”www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Saturday, March 29, 2008

the draw

If India and South Africa are true to form, this match is a draw.

But maybe, just maybe, someone puts a bit of spice, a little jalapeno into the mix, and the game gets a little hot.

As I write this the saffers are 180 in front. So there is no reason why they can’t let India chase 300 off 50 overs if they hit out now.

That offcourse probably wont happen.

But it would be nice if it did.

I think South Africa will try and bat India out of the game completely, because that is how they operate, they believe a draw is better than a loss.

Don't blame them for being who they are, take the piss out of them instead.

Things I shall be doing instead of following this match, playing ping pong, drinking beers, and have a mid to late afternoon napsky.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Uncle J Rod's guide to writing a cricket blog - episode 4

Episode 4

Getting a fan base

Obviously you know cricket, or you’ve heard about it. That is why you are here. Hopefully you can write at a 3rd grade level, which is the level that most papers require now.

We have covered how to get people to your blog, but they are here, now what?

Well my friend, you do what every piss weak politician has done before you, give the people what they want.

For instance let’s say some Indian guy has just made 300 runs in a day. Pander to them, tell them he is so good he should be given Bolivia and all the goats he has ever wanted. In fact suck up to India at every available moment. Tell them Sourav is underrated and clearly a Prince amongst men, that Anil Kumble is the greatest non chucking clean spinner ever, and that it is obvious that India will take over the world soon, and be the number one cricket team. You can never suck up to them too much, remember they have 7 kabillion people, that’s a lot of hits my friend.

Australia is next, they want to be told how good they are at every available moment. The like the phrase hard but fair, and like being called @ssholes. Talk about how dominant they are, they lap that sh1t up, but try not to mention their whinging, or their unsportsmanlike play, that hits a nerve. Remind them that running cricket on the field is more important than off the field.

These are the only two countries you need to suck up to.

The England is a different kind of puppy. It likes to be abused, humiliated, and generally have the piss taken out of them to feel happy. English fans don’t want their team to be good, as the world will instantly fall of it’s axis. Keep it sarcastic and biting, and they will love you. Grey skies are not going to clear up, are they ladies and gents.

New Zealand, Sri Lanka and the West Indies just like to be mentioned. Do so once every two weeks.

Pakistan is hard. One day they like a bit of spanking, the next day they want you to tell them that Ahktar will come good one day. So keep it random for them, keep em guessing, they will appreciate the effort. Then they will hate you, then they will appreciate the effort, then…

South Africa are sado masochistic. Must be all those born again Christians. They don’t want quirky sarcasm like the English. They want you to actually hurt them, they want to bleed, they want to be known as evil. Kick them, spit on them, make your dog urinate on them. They want their bedroom habits questioned. And then, and only then, will a true South African feel accepted in the cricketing fraternity.

On major cricket issues, best to play it safe and take the p1ss out of both sides of the argument. No one really wants you to take a side, they just wanna vent their own feelings, and on an issue that divides people this is hard, so make up a phrase, like I don’t know, bastard monkey perhaps, or something like that and then you can continue to take the piss whilst building your fan base.

Oh and include sexual references, everyone likes sex. Even Mormons.

Especially Mormons.

Kinky buggers.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Gayle hides in the attic

Chris Gayle is pretty cool.

Compared to you or me that is.

Especially you.

But I don’t think that he is a particularly deep thinker.

I could be wrong.

But why on earth would he openly admit that he is rubbish vs Vaas.

It doesn’t make sense, Vaas is not a big talker, only people who have seen the last few Sri Lanka V West Indies series would really have known about this.

So about 5 people.

Hence why coming out and stating it is odd.

It makes it more real.

It gives Vaas even more confidence.

And it means every press conference Gayle gives from here on in is going to involve questions about Vaas.

Perhaps even questioning his courage or his leadership skills in allowing an all rounder to open so he could hide himself a 6.

Ofcourse this is part of the appeal of a man like Gayle. While you and I would hit the nets, look at tapes, think about new stratergies, he goes upto WWF Bravo and says, wanna open the batting today.

Simple.

Clean.

He probably wouldn't take as much notice of Journalists pestering him anyway, so maybe his way does work.

He made runs, Bravo made runs, and Vaas didn't get him out.

So he remains cooler than us for another test.www.cricketwithballs.com "Prctice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Friday, March 28, 2008

My sehwag list

These are the things I would gladly give up or away to have been at the ground watching Sehwag yesterday.

The birth of my second child.

Keira Knightley (not Natalie) offering herself to me.

Victorian winning the Sheffield Shield at the MCG, with Nice Bryce taking the last wicket of Simon Katich.

A swingers party where the dixie chicks were the only other guests.

The chance to direct Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Benicio Del Toro.

My left little toe.

The chance to open for radiohead.

My donkey stuffed toy I won in one of those claw machines that no one ever wins in.

The chance to play for the Kolkata Knight Riders.

An afternoon chat with Richie Benaud over a glass of red.

The ability to get away with beating up Tony Greig.

What would you give up/away?www.cricketwithballs.com "Prctice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

My midnight Sehwag quote

It’s as if he is a mutated love child of the Devil and Stalin. He just inflicts pain, lots and lots of pain, good pain, bad pain. The pain of losing a loved one, the pain of stubbing ones toe, the pain of slipping into the wrong orifice un announced, the pain of Celine Dion at full volume. He is a bulldog biting your nipple, he is your girl dating an accountant, he is Virender Sehwag, the sexiest mofo to ever come straight from hell.www.cricketwithballs.com "Prctice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Jesus, Moses, Madonna, and Paris Hilton are out, Sehwag is in

I’m not an expert on global politics, free markets, terrorism, or why people watch reality TV.

But I do know that all these things pale into insignificance when compared to Virender Sehwag’s innings.

Natalie Portman turns ugly.

George Clooney loses charm.

Dubya Bush makes sense.

Britney Spears puts knickers on.

And Tony Greig is palatable after this innings.

It is the sort of innings that could turn Amelie Muaresmo straight and keep Warnie’s pee pee in his pants.

If it were a hot woman, you could not only not score with it, that if you were in the same room, your tool would melt.

It could start and end wars.

Upon viewing it Aliens would be afraid to invade.

If you had the colt 45 cocked and pointed at your mouth you would put it down and pick up a cricket bat.

Sehwag batted so well the earth started spinning in other directions.

No one has been this unkind to the saffers since Muhummad Ali turned his back on a young Barry Richards.

When the Africans were killed by tribes of Zulu’s it was nowhere near this brutal.

Batting at the other end was not a spectator sport, but a voyeuristic thrill ride through the realms of batting thought beyond those of mere mortals.

It was so good, there was a good 15 seconds when Sunil gavaskar didn’t bag white people, Bishen Bedi didn’t accuse everyone of being a chucker, and Navjot Sidhu made sense.

Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney had intercourse during his third hundred.

Palestinians invited Israelis around for a beer after a particular over of Ntini.

Anna Nicole Smith can back from the dead to give an Interview for ET, during the tea interval for maximum exposure.

Michael Moore went down on Dick Cheney. Nothing to do with Sehwag, just wanted to see if it was his bag.

The spice girls split up, after a fight over who would get to sleep with Sehwag.

Tom Cruise became a Sehwagologist.

And you know what, so should you.

We all should, I’m assuming all it takes is a little friar tuck action, a rotund little figure, balls the size of Jupiter and a touch of owls blood.

Join Sehwagology, its cheaper than other religions, twice as cool, and comes with it's own action hero.

309 off 292, put the kids to bed woman, we have business to attend to.www.cricketwithballs.com "Prctice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"

Wandering Wonder Warne

No sooner has the season preview gone up and the captain has deserted his ship, giving his employers just three weeks notice that he will not be coming back for one third of the season after all. Still, you can’t stay mad at Warney for long. He has been fantastic for Hampshire, although he must surely regret never having won the Championship, despite coming so close back in 2005. I doubt that David Fulton will go down in history as one of Warne’s closest friends but that is all in the past. Under Warne Hampshire learnt how to win and rose to the top echelons of both limited and unlimited overs cricket.

He joined the club back in 2000, becoming captain in 2004. In his near eight year association with the club he took 276 first class wickets at an average of 25.59 and even chipped in with 2040 runs. A fine record indeed, but it will always nark Warne that Mushtaq Ahmed has a better record and has enjoyed more success with Sussex. He also appears to have outlasted him.

However, it wasn’t just bowling, vital lower order runs and exemplary slip catching which Warne brought to Hampshire though, he also brought with him an amazing enthusiasm for the game (not perhaps Twenty20), cunning tactical awareness and a winning mentality. That winning mentality played a big role in 2005 when the Hawks lifted the C&G Trophy, minus Warne.

The reigns now pass to Dimitri Mascarenhas, who captained the club during the Twenty20 campaign last year. However, Mascarenhas will miss the start of the season because of commitments in the IPL and will undoubtedly go on to make more appearances for England over the summer. He inherits a young and fairly inexperienced side, especially in the bowling department.

Liam Dawson will now be given the chance to impress over the entire season, which is fantastic news for both himself and England. Greg Lamb may well get a bit more of a bowl this year as well, whilst Shaun Udal is surely regretting his decision to leave the county of his birth for Middlesex. It will be interesting to see who is brought in as Warne’s replacement come the latter stages of the season, with an extension to Shane Watson’s contract extremely desirable.

Ultimately Rod Bransgrove has delivered a fitting summary; “Hampshire Cricket has been hugely privileged to have enjoyed the unstinting loyalty of this living legend since 2000. The most effective and entertaining bowler of all time, Shane was also a brilliant leader and strategist. As our captain, his influence was instrumental in the development of Hampshire into one of the country's top sides and he enriched the game wherever he played.” Good luck Shane, county cricket will be poorer for your loss, but oh so much richer for having shared in your story.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

this is da bomb

As some of you may be aware I am completely addicted to seeing what people write into google to find this site.

This is a new favourite.

pic of sreesanth's d1ck caught by another cricketer

Nice work.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

swing away little man

South Africa cruised to 540 odd on what some BBC correspondents have referred to as a Keira Knightley pitch.

Who cares though, because Sehwag is back baby.

He is looking silky smooth and smacking the South Africans like they are little rat bastards who stole grapes from his grocery store.

It is so good to have the old youngish man back.

We missed him.

Well I have.

According to some, he was dropped for political reasons, others think it was because he was getting a friar tuck and a more rotund figure.

None of this matters however, because now the man is back and he has taken an early liking to the Saffers.

I personally watch cricket for guys like Sehwag.

To me he bats like a man who would really sleep with any woman he sees.

And if he gets rejected he just moves over to the next woman.

He is the very epitome of Cricket With Balls.

Playing and missing is not an enemy of Sehwag, its as if he even notices it.

He just continues to swing, some he hits, some he misses, but it’s the swinging I enjoy.

There are a lot of batsmen who play test cricket for a long time by restricting their game.

I understand the urge, and I know it pays off for some, but for me restriction is a killer.

So someone like Sehwag, who can care less about technique or playing percentages is like a Alien God to me.

Sehwag, I hope you continue to get rounder and balder and swing away as hard as your arms allow you too for a good many years to come.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Me vs the wisden cricketer, this times it's intimate

I am Australian.

So it is in my blood to be a competitive bastard.

And I am, oh how I am.

Now that King Cricket has been in Wisden as Blog of the month, I am thinking that I should be too.

Obviously the extremely well hung men and women of the Wisden cricketer may not share my view.

Not yet anyway.

But they will.

Because you are going to help me on my new internet campaign.

Send UJR (me) to The Wisden Cricketer.

Obviously now that the David Hussey petition (sign here) is being taken to the streets, cricket with balls needs a new internet goal, and that goal is Wisden.

Or in the words of Vince Vaughn, Wisden Baby Wisden.

So if you think I should be put in The Wisden Cricketer, please comment below.

If you think I shouldn’t be put in The Wisden Cricketer please comment below.

If you think that King Kong is a lesbian please comment below.

So The Wisden Cricketer, I hope your ready for a fight.

And in the words of Lee Marvin, I know you're horny Fritz, but you got bad breath.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Wisden me good baby

I am Australian.

So it is in my blood to be a competitive bastard.

And I am, oh how I am.

Now that King Cricket has been in Wisden as Blog of the month, I am thinking that I should be too.

Obviously the extremely well hung men and women of Wisden may not share my view.

Not yet anyway.

But they will.

Because you are going to help me on my new internet campaign.

Send UJR (me) to Wisden.

Obviously now that the David Hussey petition (sign here) is being taken to the streets, cricket with balls needs a new internet goal, and that goal is Wisden.

Or in the words of Vince Vaughn, Wisden Baby Wisden.

So if you think I should be put in Wisden, please comment below.

If you think I shouldn’t be put in Wisden please comment below.

If you think that King Kong is a lesbian please comment below.

So Wisden, I hope your ready for a fight.

And in the words of Lee Marvin, I know you're horny Fritz, but you got bad breath.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Amla the magnificent

Uncle J Rod would like to hereby apologise to the Hashim Amla fan club.

I didn’t realise so many people liked him, and thought of him as talented.

I will say there are things about the man I clearly like.

A, He has a great beard.

B, Being a Muslim playing for a largely Christian Side.

C, Dean Jones lost his job because of him.

D, Dean Jones looked like a tool because of him.

E, He doesn’t drink, therefore more free piss for the other players.

F, Not only does he have a kick ass beard, he also often has the bald head out to extenuate it.

Ofcourse none of these things draw me away from the fact that if I had to watch him bat for 3 hours straight I would gouge my eyes out with a tea strainer.

If that’s what I had on me.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The Windies win

The hearts and minds of the cricket community.

Well that is stretching it a little bit.

But they didn’t collapse.

Well ok they sort of collapsed.

But they didn’t play for a draw, well they sort of played for a draw.

But they didn’t do performance enhancing drugs, that I know of.

Overall they came up 120 runs short.

Which is good.

What is bad is the way they batted that first session, they did what shall be known as an England.

Retreating so far into their shells that they become easy targets rather than real batsmen.

From what I remember they made 16 runs off the first ten overs of the morning.

Now there is a case for taking the slow and steady approach, and there is a case for going out and winning the game.

But there is no case for giving Murali 5 overs to peg you down at the start of the day.

They may have talked big, but they played small.

I like the windies, they are cute in a non threatening sort of way, like Owen Wilson.

If however they want to be a real cricket team, I think that sheathing their swords at the start of the day was a very bad idea.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

2008 Season Preview: Sussex

[b]2007 in a nutshell:[/b]
<p class="MsoNormal">Retaining the Championship and a first appearance in the Twenty20 finals day added up to another good season for Sussex. In the other one day competitions, a couple of poor losses killed of a useful Pro40 challenge and hopes of a second shot at the 50 over title were over shortly after the tournament began. Much of the hard work was again done by established stars but both Chris Nash and Andrew Hodd showed signs of having what it takes to make it at county level and Luke Wright made a surprising impact with the bat in all formats, if still unconvincing with the ball.
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]2008 prospects:[/b]

As of now, the main issue is whether the ECB will accept Mushtaq Ahmed’s registration, though the recent development of the PCB confirming the issue of his NOC, it is hard to see that they have any option but to let him play. Assuming that this is the case, the prospects for Sussex look good for another strong showing in most competitions.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Batting:[/b]

The return of Matt Prior strengthens what was already one of the better middle orders in the county scene. More will be expected of Mike Yardy who didn’t really regain form from a broken finger in the season’s opener against the MCC until late in the season and the hopes will be for the usual level of performance from Murray Goodwin and Chris Adams. The main issue is the replacement of the retiring Richard Montgomerie and this seems to be a choice between Carl Hopkinson, who did the opening job in the 2006 season and Hodd, who showed great technique and temperament when replacing Prior at No6.
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Bowling:[/b]

Aside from Ryan Harris replacing Rana Naved, the bowling attack will be the same as usual for the Championship, albeit another year older. Young left armer Chris Liddle is natural cover for Jason, for whom this is likely to be the final season, and should also get more outings this season. If Mushtaq proves to be as durable as ever, chances will remain limited for the three young spinners. James Kirtley will again feature mostly in the shorter formats of the game and is probably behind Liddle when it comes to Championship selection.

[b]Probable side:[/b]

Championship
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Nash, Hodd, Yardy, Goodwin, Adams (capt), Prior (wk), Wright, Martin-Jenkins, Harris, Mushtaq, Lewry
<p class="MsoNormal">One day and Twenty20
<p class="MsoNormal">Nash, Wright, Goodwin, Adams, Prior, Hopkinson/Hodd, Martin-Jenkins, Yardy, Harris, Mushtaq, Kirtley.

[b]Key Man:[/b]

Mushtaq Ahmed will be key again. In all five seasons at Sussex he has been the highest wicket taker in the County Championship.
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Rising Star:[/b]

Luke Wright will be looking to capitalise on last season’s superb batting performances and surprise call-up into the England one day side. He still has a long way to go with the ball to become effective in the all-rounder role but will hopefully get more chances to improve this aspect.
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Captain and Coach:[/b]

No change in the major roles is expected with Adams remaining captain and Mark Robinson as head coach.

Amla attack

South Africa have turned up in India with a plethora of players who are simply not that good.

Not all of them are quota selections.

The Dean Jones suspected terrorist Amla is chief in point.

The dude is a grafter playing one level beyond his capabilities.

He is the sort of batsmen you would expect in a Minnow 7 years after their admission.

If the man payed two attacking shots in a row he would spontaneously combust.

My thoughts on Ashwell Prince are well known, I think he plays test cricket like the little kid in the play ground with mittens on.

AB DeVilliers and Neil MacKenzie remind me of many of the young South African batsmen of recent times.

They come into the side with pure techniques, good eyes and cocky attitudes.

3 or 4 years later they all average in their 30’s and commentators are at pains to mention how good their fielding is.

Graeme Smith is a batsmen who averages 22 against Australia, and over 50 against all the minnows and England. So he’s irrelevant.

Jacques Kallis is the only full on ridgy didge a ok test batsmen in heir side, and well he is Jacques Kallis.

Why am I writing all this, because at stumps today of the 1st test between South Africa and India, South Africa are 4 for 304.

Ouch.

Imagine what score they would be if anyone of them were any good.

And is Ishant Sharma having his adams apple removed, because that is the only excuse that is valid to not have him in ahead of Sreesanth.

Day One to South Africa in a canter.

Oh and Morne Morkel is playing, he shall henceforth be known as the Evil Morne Morkel.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

2008 Season Preview - Yorkshire

[b]2007 in a nutshell:[/b]
[b]
[/b]Following the turmoil of the previous winter when Chris Adams joined and then left, Anthony McGrath left and then rejoined, and Jacques Rudolph came out of nowhere, the early season had a wonderful momentum to it and Yorkshire led the pack for much of the season. However, with the weather playing a part injuries forcing changes in an otherwise very settled team (eleven players played in ten games or more) at the end of the season, the team faded away. Still in with a shout of the title going into the last game, the eventual sixth place reflects how tight Division 1 was last season. In the shorter version of the game, Yorkshire somehow managed to get into the quarter finals of the 20:20, as Leicester had most of their games washed out. However, the One Day games were used more as a means of giving experience to the youngsters and resting older legs.

[b]2008 prospects:[/b]
[b][/b]
Both of the overseas players have gone and while both were good club men, neither had the impact that the team wanted. Jason Gillespie in particular was tight rather than threatening. However, with the position of Rana Naved still unclear as the overseas player, it may be down to the local talent to bowl teams out. Morne Morkel, who is touted to be the replacement if Naved doesn’t show up, isn’t anything like as threatening although he would undoubtedly strengthen the One Day side.

Chris Taylor has returned from Derbyshire, probably as a replacement for Craig White at the top of the order, who may concentrate on One Day cricket. However, it is the crop of youngsters coming through who will make or break the season for Yorkshire, with Andrew Gale, Adam Lyth, James Lee and Oliver Hannon Dalby looking to make their breakthrough this season.
Division 1 could be even tighter this year than last as Somerset and Notts look to be better teams than Warwicks and Worcester. However, I would still expect Yorks to be in the hunt on the last day of the season. In the one dayers, promotion may be a reasonable objective in the Pro 40.

[b]Batting:[/b]

This is probably the strength of the team. Last year, of the eleven players who played in ten games or more, only Gough and Hoggard didn’t score a century. With Tim Bresnan batting at eight, there is a long line up, which will be looking to capitalise on the Boycottesque qualities of Joe Sayers at the top of the order. McGrath and Rudolph will be looking to score heavily again and the Kolpak in particular has the ability to take the attack to the opposition at this level. Adil Rashid and Gerard Brophy will swap places at 6 and 7 respectively, leaving the number 5 spot open to one of the emerging batsmen â€" with Andrew Gale likely to get the first opportunity, although Adam Lyth and Greg Wood will also be pushing for the place. Oh and there’s some bloke called Michael Vaughan who may want the occasional game.

[b]Bowling:[/b]
[b][/b]
England’s dropping of Matthew Hoggard means that he should start the season in a mood to prove the selectors wrong and itching to get his test place back. This should help to kick-start the pace attack which otherwise would be reliant on the aging legs of Darren Gough and the 23 year old veteran Tim Bresnan. The loss of Rana Naved would be a huge blow, with Morkel being nothing like as threatening with the ball. However, Ajmal Shazad showed promise in the matches he played and in James Lee and Oliver Hannon Dalby, there are two bowlers of immense promise looking to make their breakthrough.

Yorkshire have more strength on the spinning front, with the highly rated Adil Rashid looking to kick on again after a successful Lions tour, and David Wainwright and Mark Lawson waiting in the wings. A dry summer could mean Yorkshire taking to the field with more specialist spinners than seamers, a far cry from the steady pace attack that used to frequent Headingly.

[b]Probable side:[/b]
[b][/b]
Chris Taylor (Michael Vaughan when available)
Joe Sayers
Anthony McGrath
Jacques Rudolph
Andrew Gale
Adil Rashid
Gerard Brophy
Tim Bresnan
Morne Morkel
Darren Gough
Matthew Hoggard

[b]Key Man[/b]
[b]
[/b]To win games, you need to take 20 wickets, so the key man has to be Adil Rashid. He topped the wicket takers last season with 40, despite the weather not being conducive to spin bowling. He was one of the few Lions to come out of the India trip in credit, out bowling Monty Panesar at times. He shouldn’t be needed by England this summer but should be looking to get the second spinners spot on the winter tour.

[b]Rising Star[/b]
[b][/b]
There are plenty of candidates for this including Greg Wood, the England U19 wicket keeper who is likely to be second in the pecking order should Brophy be injured. However, the rising star isn’t someone I have included him in my probable side, but the batsman likely to be the next in. Adam Lyth played for England U19 last season out scoring more established county players like Billy Godleman and Ben Wright, with a fluent century. He is highly rated at the club and should any of the top five struggle this season, he could make a big impact.

[b]Captain and Coach[/b]

There’s not a lot to be said about the captain that hasn’t already been said. However, it is likely to be his last season and it would be unrealistic to expect him to play as much this year. Martyn Moxon was responsible for keeping Anthony McGrath at the club last winter and I’d expect a smooth transition from Gough to McGrath as the season progresses.

I'm sorry dave hussey, I am for real

I would like thank everyone for helping out on the David Hussey Petition.

It has been a failure.

I take partial blame for that, the rest I put at the feet of terrorists.

But I refuse to give up.

Why, because I am Victorian, and so is David Hussey, sort of.

So I am going to hit the streets of Melbourne and get the remaining signatures required.

And then I will march into Cricket Australia head held high and demand to be able to bitch slap James Sutherland into selection Future PM, David Hussey, the peoples Hussey.

Watch this space.

Oh and please sign the petition.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The paint is dried

While you were sleeping, working, resting, ot doing whatever people who aren’t me do, I was working for you.

Why, because here at cricket with balls we take this shit seriously dawg.

How seriously, well at 3 in the AM, I was chasing cricket scores so I could keep you informed.

There is no need to thank me, but while all of you wrote off the Sri Lanka Windies game as a boring event, I put in the hard yards.

And do you know what I found.

The Windies are not completely out of this game.

This is not, to quote the worst simpsons character, unpossible.

They are 1/96 requiring a further 340 runs on the last day.

Devon Smith is out, but that’s hardly the worst thing ever.

At the crease, after he was bizarrely chosen to open the batting, is Dwayne “Smackdown” Bravo on 40odd.

Chris Gayle dropped himself to number 4, so he could employ the attacking instincts of Bravo.

Just ponder that.

Chris Gayle is by far cooler than you, I, and most other people, but the dude doesn’t really think things through does he.

If he really wanted to employ attacking instincts then surely he and Bravo would go out together, and forget about this Devon Smith nonsense.

As attacking as Bravo is, is there another man on earth who can attack like Gayle can?

Gayle could bring down an Empire in a session.

According to our learned Pakistani correspondent.

There is a possibility that the Windies chase down a record total. That would mean something. They've done it against the Aussies..no reason why not again..

Well Q, there are plenty of reasons why they can’t, Murali, 5th day, inexperienced batting line up and John Dyson is coach.

But let me just jump out on this twig for a moment.

Not only do I believe the Windies will win this test, I think they’ll do it without having lost more than 4 wickets.

Let em have it chaps.

Visit Q at Well Pitched, he'd like that.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Monty leads the day, Southee is the shizzle

Logically on the day England win their first test series is 3 years (that’s not true, is it) I should be talking about Monty Panesar and his 6 wickets for 344 runs.

But Monty has burned me before.

When he was first picked I was assured he was humorous in the field, and while he is chuckle worthy, he is no Tufnell.

Then I was told he just plainly couldn’t bat. He’s no Brett Lee but he makes Chris Martin look like a proper number 11.

Also I was told he could bowl, so far, his career average is 32, it’s not horrible, but its not Portmanesque either.

I’m going to talk about Timothy Grant Southee, who might be more exciting than this entire series put together.

A 5 wicket haul in the first dig, a 77* of 40 in his last at bat.

Not bad for a kid who is practically a foetus.

He is only a hundred days younger than Ishant Sharma, but Sharma, while looking good in his first few tests did not have the impact of Southee from the get go.

Sharma’s first five wicket haul was his second test where he slapped around a shoddy Pakistani tail.

Southee destroyed English’s top order first time at the crease.

Plus Southee does not have an alien growing out of his throat.

Take that Ishant.

Ofcourse Ishant got out Ponting alot, which is worth 83 English wickets.

A five wicket haul and a 70 gets you seven figures in India, Sir Ian Botham comparisons in England, and in Australia he wouldn’t be playing because he is a bowler and under 25.

Where to now for this youngster?

Will he become the cricketer that drags New Zealand back into real test playing status.

Or will he make a lot of dollars when he retires from the national side for personal reasons to play in the ICL.

Or will he become a statistical footnote in the slow decline of modern culture.

Exactly.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Player Discussion : Brett Lee

Author: michaelclarkeSubject: Brett LeePosted: 25 March 2008 at 12:00pmwhat was Brett lee's fastest delivery.....i wanted to knowthis for a long time

Player Discussion : Marcus Trescothick calls it a day

Author: NZ_FastSubject: Marcus Trescothick calls it a dayPosted: 23 March 2008 at 7:59amCan't say i was massive Tresco fan, but his pretty impressive record speaks for itself.....if only he moved his feet a little more.

definition

I hate the term cricket tragic.

Mostly because a particular Australian PM I despised, called himself it at every available opportunity.

But if there was a definition it could be this.

Waiting for Cricinfo to update at 304am to see the scores of the West Indies V Sri Lanka match you have already called more boring than paint drying whilst listening to Tom Petty and waiting for an email to arrive.

Beat that little Johnny.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

flem, you're so hot, boom

I would like to congratulate Stephen Fleming on his career ending today.

I think I wrote something eloquent about him when his retirement was forced upon him.

That’s right I compared him to Chomsky and called him a mad scientist to boot, but I meant it in the nicest possible way.

Anyway today is his last innings and he has left us with a beautifully crafted fleming 60 odd.

No man of the modern era has given us more fluent and frustrating starts than Flem.

But unlike other English foreplay bastmen, Fleming turned foreplay into something more thatn what happens before penetration.

Picture a man with no penis, how does he ensure his lady friend is satisfied, well for hours on end, night after night he comes up with a foreplay of exquisite skill, fluid strokes and eye catching follow throughs.

This may not be what all ladies want, but for the Kiwi public, it did the trick time and time again.

Ofcourse that may have been because the rest of the Kiwi batsmen were frigid.

Fleming has kept us interested in New Zealand in a way that only Bad Taste and Flight of the Conchords have managed to better.

So for you Flem, I will reprint the lyrics to the Flight of the Conchords song that reminds me the most of you.


Looking at the room, I can tell that you.
Are the most beautiful girl in the...room.
(In the whole wide room).
And when you're on the street, depending on the street.
I bet you are definitely in the top 3.
Good lookin girls on the street.
(Depending on the streets).
And when I saw you at my man's place.
I thought...what, is she, doing...at my man's place.
How did he get a hottie like that to a party like this?
Good one, Dave.
(Ooh, you're a LEGEND, Dave).

I asked Dave if he's going to move on you.
He's not sure.
"Dave, do you mind if I do?"
He says he doesn't mind.
But I can tell he kind of minds.
But I'm going to do it anyway.

I see you standing all alone by the stereo.
I dim the lights down very low.
You're so beautiful.
You could be a waitress.
You're so beautiful.
You could be a air hostess in the 60s.
You're so beautiful.
You could be a part-time model.
But then I seal the deal, I do my moves.
I do my dance moves.

Lets travel through, just me and you.
As other dudes around you on the dance floor.
I draw you near, lets get out of here.
Lets get in a cab. I'll buy you a kabeb.
I can't believe. I'm sharing a kabeb.
With the most beautiful girl I have ever seen with a kabeb.
Oh, why don't we leave?
Lets go to my house.
We can feel each other up on the couch.
Oh no, I don't mind taking it slow.

Cause you're so beautiful...
Like a tree. Or a high class prostitute.
You're so beautiful.
You could be a part time model.
But you'd probably still have to keep your normal job.
A part time model.
Spend part of your time modeling.
And part of your time next to me.

That’s right flem, you are the most beautiful batsmen in the whole wide team.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Monday, March 24, 2008

Sunil tastes like chicken

Sunil Gavaskar has come out and said Australia and England approach the games like dinosaurs.

Importantly he didn’t say what dinosaurs.

I am assuming England are the Diplodocus. They can’t really damage you unless they accidentally stand on you, but they do have a whippy tail that does some damage.

Australia on the other hand are more like a Tyrannosaurus rex. They make a lot of noise, look angry, eat meat, and have really short arms.

Sunil himself is a dinosaur, he’s a Dilophosaurus, you know the little ones that spit at you.

Sunil has a valid point, cricket administracrats have run over all comers for years on cricket matters.

Which is exactly what I expect India to do for the next few years at least.

India aren’t taking control of world cricket so they make world cricket better, they are taking over so they can make decisions that help cricket in India.

But is that not the aim of all cricket boards, to get the biggest piece of the pie, to get the best conditions, to make sure your men are elected to all the prettiest chairs.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

match report west indis v sri lanka

Hey that test in the West Indies is still going on.

Really.

What’s the score?

Well Sri Lanka made buckets full in their first innings and the windies are about 200 behind with one wicket remaining.

Now much of a game is it.

No not really.

Why are we talking about it?

I don’t know.

Hey look at that paint drying.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

2008 Season Preview: Hampshire

[b]2007 in a nutshell:[/b]

Disappointment on all fronts pretty much. Hampshire failed to significantly challenge in either the County Championship, the Pro 40 League or the Twenty20 Cup (again). The highlight was of course reaching the final of the Friends Provident Trophy, although the ultimate defeat to Durham was representative of a sub-standard season for the Hawks. Michael Carberry continued his rise towards full England honours, following in the direction where Dimi Mascarenhas and Chris Tremlett had gone for a large part of the season.

[b]2008 prospects:[/b]

Well, it may get worse. Leaderless for in excess of two thirds of the season Hampshire may well also find themselves without an overseas player for the opening part of the season, courtesy of Shane Bond’s involvement in the rogue ICL. The arrival of Shane Watson for the Twenty20 Cup should signal the beginning of a Hampshire challenge for the crown for the first time since the formats’ inception though. In the County Championship it is hard to see Hampshire finishing above midway again. The bowling will be worryingly thin in the absence of Warne, replacement Bond and James Bruce, who had been developing into a very dangerous opening bowler over the last two years. Furthermore, it is hard to see how Chris Tremlett, between injury and international duty, will be available for more than half the season. Factor in Dimi Mascarenhas’ absence with England for a substantial part of the season and the Hawks will be relying on the youth of David Griffiths, James Tomlinson and Liam Dawson, who will be the prime spinner in Warne’s absence. Greg Lamb could also find himself involved a lot more this year in both formats for a change. Don’t expect any silverware this year Hawks fans.

[b]Batting:[/b]

Carberry averaged in excess of fifty in the county championship last season and Hampshire will need more of the same this time around. Evergreens John Crawley and Nic Pothas will once again be the rocks around whom the others bat. Michael Lumb will look to improve on a solid first season, whilst James Adams, Michael Brown, Sean Ervine, Chris Benham, Greg Lamb and possibly Kevin Latouf will be vying for the remaining spots. Latouf and young wicket keeper Tom Burrows should both see some more action this year in a side whose batting is too often frail. With the absence of runs from the tail of Mascarenhas, Warne and Udal the top order will have to take responsibility, but it is a real doubt as to whether they will be up to it or not. Watson will carry the Hawk’s hopes in the Twenty20 Cup when he arrives.

[b]Bowling:[/b]

As already touched on above, Hampshire are thin on the ground in the bowling department this year. What used to be the county’s strength is now perhaps its biggest weakness. How ironic that Shaun Udal chose to retire in Middlesex during the one season he could have captained his side for the majority of. Youth will be the order of the day and they may well be up to the task. Griffiths impressed last year when involved, as did James Tomlinson. David Balcombe is also lurking on the periphery and Billy Taylor will be hoping for more than one day cameos. Sean Ervine and Greg Lamb may well also be charged with more responsibility with the ball in the allrounder’s role when Mascarenhas is on England duty. Liam Dawson will be the premier spinner and after his promising performances at England U19 level it will be fascinating to see if he can make the step up.

[b]Probable side:[/b]

Carberry
Brown/Adams (Lamb for One Day/T20 Cup)
Crawley (c) (Watson for T20 Cup)
Lumb
Benham
Pothas (wk) (vc)
Ervine
Mascarenhas (Tomlinson/Lamb in his absence)
Dawson (Warne for the later stages)
Tremlett
Griffiths (Bond should he arrive)

Hampshire will likely play a very different side in limited overs cricket to that in four day cricket. There should be plenty of opportunities for the likes of Benham, Latouf, Griffiths, Tomlinson and Dawson, whilst young wicket keeper Tom Burrows should gradually gain more exposure to first team cricket in the place of elder statesman Nic Pothas. Brown and Adams will be fighting it out for the second opening birth and along with Crawley will be limited more often than not to four day cricket. The focus this year will be the Twenty20 Cup I feel and Watson will be core to this aim. Along with Carberry, Ervine, Lumb, Pothas, Benham and Mascarenhas Hampshire should have the batting power to mount a serious challenge, but they may well fall short in the bowling department, with Dawson and Lamb the only spinning options until Warne returns.

[b]Key Man:[/b]

It will not be Warney for once! With three overseas players split across the season it is likely to be a domestic player. Whilst I believe that Shane Watson will play a key role in the sides push for the Twenty20 Cup my key man for the season is [b]Michael Carberry[/b]. He will be looking to break into the England squad for limited overs cricket, although Andrew Strauss’ mini revival may have delayed his entrance into the Test squad.

[b]Rising Star:[/b]

[b]Liam Dawson[/b] is the man I am going for. Many a young bowler will turn out for Hampshire this season, but none will be as important as Dawson, the leading spin bowler in the side for years to come we hope. His slow left arm bowling has been effective at England U19 level and he showed some glimpses of his talent at the end of last season. In Warne’s absence, both now and in the future, the club will need Dawson to step into the breach and I believe he will do so and with able aplomb. He can also bat to a reasonable level and will be a decent number eight.

[b]Captain and Coach:[/b]

Well I don’t know quite how good Warney is at poker so it is hard to pass comment! John Crawley is the most obvious candidate to take the role on, although Nic Pothas volunteered last season on more than one occasion with varying degrees of success. Chris Benham has been touted by Warne himself as the long term candidate. As for Paul Terry, he is desperate for the County Championship but better Hampshire sides than this one have fallen short. His best hope and focus I believe will be in limited overs cricket, starting with the Twenty20 Cup for a change.

KP & Ryan have a chat

The England seem to have been inspired to two of the oddest cricketers in their team.

Sidebottom, aka oxymoron, aka drummer for Led Zepplica, who seems like a down to earth sort of chappie.

And KP, chairman of his own fanclub, and huge Vanilla Ice fan.

I wonder how their conversation will go after they win this test.

KP, Did you see how I made all the runs, I was on fire biach, you know what I’m saying.

Ryan, Yeah, well batted.

KP, it wasn’t batting man it was like some sort of african tribal ritual mating dance. All I saw was bright colours coming down at me, I was pretty much out of my body.

Ryan, ok.

KP, I was like in a zone, do you know what I mean, I was style, I was substance, I was Elvis in his comeback special, Evil Knievel flying across the sky, Russell Crowe killing a tiger.

Ryan, Broady & Strauss did well.

KP, Yeah, yeah, but I was just alive out there, I felt like I could pull out Excalibur or sleep with Madonna, I’m so charged man, pass me another red bull.

Ryan, Ok.

KP, have you ever just felt actual lightning in your hand, I mean i could have saved the orphans or destroyed plants, it was all in my hand.

Ryan, Ok.

KP, So who got the wickets?www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Sunday, March 23, 2008

episode 3 - the podcast

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Press here to subscribe to the podcast on itunes.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Ian Bell proves me wrong (eventually)

Ian Bell has asserted his masculinity back onto the cricket ball.

After 20odd of the finest foreplay innings imaginable he finally busts through and penetrates a hundred.

The English crowd salute, some by screaming, some by moaning and a lot just sigh at the end.

Some of the fans rush outside to have a smoke.

Some call friends to tell them about the experience.

Some rush into showers to cleanse themselves.

Ian Bell gesticulates to the English crowd as if to say, I know you’ve been waiting a long time, but you like to wait, don’t you dirty dirty crowd.

It is a beautiful moment, although quite oddly several parents shield their children's eyes just as it happens.

The love and satisfaction in the air makes the whole crowd radiant.

Except the Kiwis.

The question is now, after all this foreplay, and finally sealing the deal, will he call again?

We are all pretty sure Ian Bell can bat, but will he end up a real batsmen who can shape matches.

Or will he end up as that dude, you know the one, he has fans, but he has as much impact on a test match as the dude who drives the drinks cart.

Every time he bats you wish you had a sledge hammer to finish him off with.

The sort of player that gets you so angry you spit when you say his name.

Only time will tell.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

my superfan

Somehow whilst googling my own name (like a victorian cricketer) I stumbled across this site.

Ramble On, a blog about, i don't really know.

But the dude has compiled a best of list from some of my witty quips.

Including. "And yet you grace life with a fore head so low your eyebrows get nervous." about Jimmy Hopes.

What else was i going to write about this morning, Andrew Strauss?

I think not.

Plus it was a good excuse to make another low foreheaad joke about Jimmy Hopes.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

2008 Season Preview: Essex

<p class="MsoNormal">Exasperated by England's travails in Kiwi? Well, then let the gentile delights of county cricket refresh your senses. Yes, it's season preview time again...

<p class="MsoNormal">[b]2007 in a nutshell:[/b]
A season of great promise for the Eagles once again petered out to nothingness... so no surprises there then. As well as missing out on promotion from County Championship Div2, we suffered the ignominy of throwing away our top flight status in the Pro40, despite beginning the campaign as title-holders. This was particularly disappointing after a strong showing in the Friends Provident Trophy which was ended in the semi-finals at the hands of eventual winners, Durham. The Championship was something of a mixed bag, with several wins being garnered in spite of poor performances; however, the losses of Ronnie Irani, Andy Flower and Darren Gough eventually told, and the team fairly limped their way to fourth sport, well off the pace set by Somerset and Nottinghamshire. Inconsistencies aside, Essex did share an incredible run haul with Notts in a record-breaking match played out at the height of the summer: both teams reached 700 in their first innings, with rival England 'keepers James Foster and Chris Read each notching a double-hundred, the latter's being a career first.

[b]2008 prospects:[/b]
Essex always seem fairly industrious over the close season, and, having brought in a couple of seasoned pros and blooded some youngsters on tour, there are reasons to be cheerful. Jason Gallian has arrived from Notts, and can be expected to open the batting, possibly allowing new captain Mark Pettini to drop down the order. Fast bowler David Masters will hopefully prove a more successful signing than Darren Thomas did last year, while bits-and-pieces youngster Christopher Wright may find opportunities to develop on the Chelmsford greensward. Graham Napier could be set for a watershed season after performing with some success in New Zealand over the winter, while Tom Westley, who took 7 for 131 in an U19 Test and hit 72 late last season against Somerset is an exciting prospect. As ever, escaping the Div 2 monkey knife-fight will be the goal, as well as thrashing it around in the short form. Some Twenty20 success would go down like warm milk and cookies...

[b]Batting:[/b]
Normally Essex's trusty redoubt, we were disappointingly scratchy out in the middle during 2007. After Ronnie Irani had blazed his way to more than 400 runs at an average of 116.25 in the first four Championship meetings, his retirement left everyone else to muddle along, with the result that no one reached 1,000 runs for the season. Ravi Bopara returned a Championship-best 900 runs at 60-odd, and Ryan ten Doeschate impressed low down the order with 845 @ 42.25 but too often the recognised batsmen failed.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The form of opener Pettini was woeful, his high-score of 86* coming during an engineered result against Leicestershire, and taking on the demands of captaincy at just 23-years-old clearly had a stultifying effect on his batting. With Alastair Cook on international duty for much of the summer, Varun Chopra struggled to cope in his first full campaign, and it was frequently left to the likes of Foster, still pressing an England case, and overseas star Andy Bichel (who averaged 60.25, with two fine swashbuckling centuries) to ease the team out of trouble.

<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">In one-day competition only Bopara contributed regularly, totting up more than 400 at an average of better than 40. Good performances in the FP Trophy - where even Chopra and Pettini crashed hundreds, in a nine-wicket win over Middlesex - tailed off when the Pro40 defence began, to the point that only four half-centuries were scored by Essex batsmen in the six contested matches.

[b]Bowling:[/b]
While our two main imports from 'for'n parts' collected 115 wickets between them at a little above 20 apiece - Danish Kaneria, 74 @ 22.2; Bichel, 41 @ 20.53 - the next highest return was James Middlebrook's 24 at a price of 40-odd. In fact, nine other bowlers, including Andre Nel in his brief spell and the on-loan Martin Saggers, took just 75 wickets between them, costing more than 40 each.

<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">As in recent seasons, the load fell heavily on the bouncing frame of Kaniera, who sent more than his fair share of teams to defeat and finished a remarkable third in the PCA's inaugural Most Valuable Player ranking. Unfortunately the 'spin twins', Middlebrook and Tim Phillips (who Essex seem intent on turning into a batsman, despite a first-class average of 19), could only provide intermittent support. The bowling highlight, skittling eventual-champs Somerset for 152 in a match we would surely have won but for a lost fourth day, was down to Bichel's 6fer - but no one other than him, Kaneria and Saggers managed five wickets in an innings.
The one faint spark came in the final Championship fixture against Middlesex, where an attack deprived of both the Pakistani leggie and the Aussie allrounder took 20 wickets for 400, Tony Palladino's match analysis of 6-for-97 the pick. In the one-dayers, several players chipped in despite the ultimate disappointment, with Bichel and Kaneria once again to the fore and Bopara, Napier and Ten Doeschate all claiming respectable figures.

<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Probable Championship side:[/b]
Gallian
Chopra (Cook when not on England duty)
Pettini (capt)
Bopara
Ten Doeschate
Foster (wk)
Middlebrook
Phillips/Napier
Tudor
Masters/Palladino/Wright
Kaneria

It seems likely that Essex will build their batting around a hardy middle-order of Bopara, Ten Doeschate, Foster and Middlebrook, while Graham Napier and Tim Phillips will probably compete as utility allrounders depending on whether the pitch is taking spin or seam. The bowling line-up is by no means settled, and Mervyn Westfield or Jamaica-born Maurice Chambers could come into contention. Pettini should drop down to accommodate the pressures of the captaincy, while Kaneria's contributions will again be vital. Expect some experimentation in the short game, with possible appearances from the veteran Grant Flower and young quick Jahid Ahmed.


[b]Key Man:[/b]
Although the obvious choice is Kaneria, who bettered his 2004 return with last summer's performances, I'm going to plump for Ravi Bopara. After a tough winter in Sri Lanka with England, where his Test career did not get off to the most auspicious of starts, Ravi will have to hit his straps back in the county milieu in order to prove his reputation again. He needs to plunder runs in the four-day format, and chip in with more wickets than he did last year (11 @ 45), while continuing his development as a watchful, wristy one-day batsman who can also knock over a couple of the opposition's top-order with the cherry in hand.

[b]Rising Star(s):[/b]
Tom Westley is the name on Essexonians lips (well, it should be anyway) and the lad looks set to feature in the Championship sooner rather than later. Already averaging just over 30 from a handful of first-class innings, it would be a pleasure to see him in action at the County Ground in his first season since signing on full professional terms. Other prospects include Jaik Mickleburgh (batsman) and Adam Wheater (wicketkeeper/batsman), who both played on the recently completed pre-season tour to Dubai.

[b]Captain and Coach:[/b]
Mark Pettini has struggled to combine both the tactical and man-management aspects of the captaincy with an effective personal contribution, and this season will be an important test of his mettle. As the county circuit's youngest captain he will need to rely on new head coach Paul Grayson's experience to ensure a successful partnership through 2008. Much is required, but expectations should probably remain modest. Graham Gooch, who has ploughed funds into Essex's scholarship scheme, remains as batting coach, while there may even be a few words of wisdom floating over the boundary rope from the sainted Ronni Irani at some point...

trescothick (or trestochick) is a cuckold?

I do love the word cuckold.

Having been around sports for a long time now, every time there is a major issue in a sporting team, or club some one starts mentioning the age old, hey i heard johnny smithy brown has been boinking the coaches/captains/players wife.

Let's say objectively that this is true, one in 10 times, based on the Uncle Jrod cheating spouses method of calculation, what does it do to the people involved the other 9 times.

Obviously in AFl footy it has happened twice recently, once publicly in which the cheating player was forced to another club, and once privately where the player whom had been cheated on was moved to another club.

In Australian cricket the famous rumour is Salter and Gilly, which i personally do not believe.

Then again I don't believe any woman would sleep with Slater.

And which no one really believed until Slater went through one of the 12 steps and blurted out an apology for draggin Gilly's name into the mud.

Now i have heard strangled muffled choked whispers of an English one involving newly retired stress case, Marcus Trescothick.

The other involved party is Michael Vaughn, and I'm assuming Mrs Trescothick (Marcus' wife not mother, although...) whom Mr Vaughn is supposed to have had the sex with.

Now i don't believe this one for a moment, because I think these two men are gentleman, not particularly good cricketers, but gentleman none the less.

Infact with all the trouble Vaughn is having with straight balls, I'd assumed he was playing for the other team now.

Is this how people are trying to explain Marcus’s sudden onslaught of stress.

It may explain the stress, it may even explain Vaughn's complete lack of Vaughness but it doesn't explain why Trescothick wouldn't go to the UAE now does it.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

trestochick is a cuckold?

I do love the word cuckold.

Having been around sports for a long time now, every time there is a major issue in a sporting team, or club some one starts mentioning the age old, hey i heard johnny smithy brown has been boinking the coaches/captains/players wife.

Let's say objectively that this is true, one in 10 times, based on the Uncle Jrod cheating spouses method of calculation, what does it do to the people involved the other 9 times.

Obviously in AFl footy it has happened twice recently, once publicly in which the cheating player was forced to another club, and once privately where the player whom had been cheated on was moved to another club.

In Australian cricket the famous rumour is Salter and Gilly, which i personally do not believe.

Then again I don't believe any woman would sleep with Slater.

And which no one really believed until Slater went through one of the 12 steps and blurted out an apology for draggin Gilly's name into the mud.

Now i have heard strangled muffled choked whispers of an English one involving newly retired stress case, Marcus Trescothick.

The other involved party is Michael Vaughn, and I'm assuming Mrs Trescothick (Marcus' wife not mother, although...) whom Mr Vaughn is supposed to have had the sex with.

Now i don't believe this one for a moment, because I think these two men are gentleman, not particularly good cricketers, but gentleman none the less.

Infact with all the trouble Vaughn is having with straight balls, I'd assumed he was playing for the other team now.

Is this how people are trying to explain Marcus’s sudden onslaught of stress.

It may explain the stress, it may even explain Vaughn's complete lack of Vaughness but it doesn't explain why Trescothick wouldn't go to the UAE now does it.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Tim Southee nude, naked, oiled up, hotter than an albino in the desert...

Tim Southee is 19, has probably shaved once, has only a scattering of pubes, has probably only had sex with his hard drive, and it’s already started.

What has started Uncle J rod?

The cricket slags.

So far my site has already had Tim Southee girlfriend, Tim Southee naked, Tim Southee nude, and Tim Southee is a terribly hot piece of booty.

Ok not that last one, but the rest really truly happened.

Being a good boy, I have never used the internet as a search engine for sex, I’m sure non of you my loyal and moral readers have either.

But some people do.

Dirty filthy perverts that they are.

But that’s ok, as the aliens allow pornography, so it must be here to serve a higher purpose.

Tim Southee how ever is not pornography, he is a young cricketer with potential and should not be used as a pornographic whipping boy of horny teenage girls and frustrated gay men.

Instead these girls should be offering themselves to him, because if they want to see him nude, there should be a contra deal in place.

A third of all my hits are from people typing in a variant of Shane Watson/Jimmy Anderson/Stuart Broad/Kamran Akmal/Alistair Cook/Scott Styris/Nathan Bracken nude naked, lubed up, hot to trot, girlfriend, wife, weird sex photos, penis.

Obviously I am not the only blogger over run with women and men who want to sleep with cricketers.

Poor Ayalac tried to help the slags with some pictures.

Poorer Suave has all but lost the ability to understand why women want to see someone who wears eye liner naked, but he found nice photos too.

Someone even typed in Ricky Ponting sexual object.

What is this madness.

My Shane Watson nude blog, which has a beautiful picture of William Shatner with a dog (happy b’day for yesterday to big fella) has had 286 hits.

Cricket slags I understand the urge to type in Kamran Akmal naked, but please, try and resist, cricketers are people too, as are some cricket bloggers.www.cricketwithballs.com "Gee, Andre, what are we going to do tonight?"

the oxymoron slaughters gently

An oxymoron (plural oxymorons or, more rarely, oxymora) is a figure of speech that combines two normally contradictory terms. Oxymoron is a loanword from Greek oxy ("sharp") and moros ("dull"). Thus the word oxymoron is itself an oxymoron.

Interesting stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Over at Sportsfreak, they call Ryan Sidebottom the Oxymoron.

Because of the logistical improbability of having a bottom on your side.

There are offcourse flaws to this argument.

For one it could be someone elses ass you have on your side.

Secondly I’m sure there is some poor soul whom should have been smothered at birth who has said bottom on the side.

But I have discovered that there are many factors that makes Ryan Sidebottom an Oxy Moron.

Fact one. All English bowlers are either mentally or physically prone to break downs, or are male models.

Ergo an English bowler who isn’t a basket case or male model is an oxy moron.

Fact two. Sidebottom regularly takes wickets whilst being an English fast bowler.

Ergo an English bowler taking wickets is an oxy mormon.

Fact three. Sidebottom looks like the drummer in a Led Zeppelin tribute band.

Ergo anyone who looks like a drummer for a Led Zeppelin tribute band is a moron.

Fact four. His nickname in the dressing room is sexual chocolate.

Ergo a white Yorkshire boy being called a sexual chocolate is an oxy moron, and quite odd.

Case closed.

And he got 7 wickets today.

True story.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Uncle J Rod's guide to writing a cricket blog - episode 3

So now you have a name, and know how to promote your blog.

But what is your blog?

A p1sstaking English blog?

A forum like Indian blog?

A sane and balanced Pakistani blog?

Only you will know.

Your blog should have some sort of a theme, so that peple go hey isn' that the fire starting Zimbabwean blog.

If you have a personality, this will be easy.

If not, you are probably a Christian or Scientologist and perhaps cricket blogging is not for you.

Cricket blogs are like an extension of your personality, so if you are an @sshole, then your blog shall be an @sshole. If you are a fair and balanced person, then your blog will be boring and no one will read it.

You want people to read your blog and get a brief understanding of who you are, then clean it up and make yourself look way cooler.

Cricket blogs are generally about general stuff about general cricket issues.

But now there are so many blogs, that it’s hard to get a foot hold in the market place just talking about how much you hate South Africans.

May I suggest Niche Cricket Blogging.

Currently there is no regularly updated blogs on,

Wicket Keeping

Running between wickets.

Cricketers girlfriends/wives/mistresses/boyfriends/pets

Umpires

Paul Adams

The cut shot.

You need to find a way to stand out from the crowd, which for the Indians is going to be the hardest, so why not write a blog devoted to the minnows.

You could do one on the kittens, or Ireland or the Kenyans.

Or pick a star on the rise and have an Ishant Sharma or Bryce McGain blog.

What about a blog devoted to Dhoni’s hair that could be fun.

I know the basic idea of blogging is to get out all those voices from your head, and take over the world with Andre Nel, but who is to say whilst bagging Dhoni’s hair you couldn’t do this.

Example. Michael Vaughn is hopelessly lost today, he just doesn’t look right, like Dhoni with Jerry Curls.

You’re only limited by your creativity, so you are severely limited.

What about a blog where you translate all the ICC press release into pig latin, or try and find born again Christian metaphors on Cric Info.

The possibilities are endless, now fly my pretties………www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

2007 Season Preview: Essex

<p class="MsoNormal">Exasperated by England's travails in Kiwi? Well, then let the gentile delights of county cricket refresh your senses. Yes, it's season preview time again...

<p class="MsoNormal">[b]2007 in a nutshell:[/b]
A season of great promise for the Eagles once again petered out to nothingness... so no surprises there then. As well as missing out on promotion from County Championship Div2, we suffered the ignominy of throwing away our top flight status in the Pro40, despite beginning the campaign as title-holders. This was particularly disappointing after a strong showing in the Friends Provident Trophy which was ended in the semi-finals at the hands of eventual winners, Durham. The Championship was something of a mixed bag, with several wins being garnered in spite of poor performances; however, the losses of Ronnie Irani, Andy Flower and Darren Gough eventually told, and the team fairly limped their way to fourth sport, well off the pace set by Somerset and Nottinghamshire. Inconsistencies aside, Essex did share an incredible run haul with Notts in a record-breaking match played out at the height of the summer: both teams reached 700 in their first innings, with rival England 'keepers James Foster and Chris Read each notching a double-hundred, the latter's being a career first.

[b]2008 prospects:[/b]
Essex always seem fairly industrious over the close season, and, having brought in a couple of seasoned pros and blooded some youngsters on tour, there are reasons to be cheerful. Jason Gallian has arrived from Notts, and can be expected to open the batting, possibly allowing new captain Mark Pettini to drop down the order. Fast bowler David Masters will hopefully prove a more successful signing than Darren Thomas did last year, while bits-and-pieces youngster Christopher Wright may find opportunities to develop on the Chelmsford greensward. Graham Napier could be set for a watershed season after performing with some success in New Zealand over the winter, while Tom Westley, who took 7 for 131 in an U19 Test and hit 72 late last season against Somerset is an exciting prospect. As ever, escaping the Div 2 monkey knife-fight will be the goal, as well as thrashing it around in the short form. Some Twenty20 success would go down like warm milk and cookies...

[b]Batting:[/b]
Normally Essex's trusty redoubt, we were disappointingly scratchy out in the middle during 2007. After Ronnie Irani had blazed his way to more than 400 runs at an average of 116.25 in the first four Championship meetings, his retirement left everyone else to muddle along, with the result that no one reached 1,000 runs for the season. Ravi Bopara returned a Championship-best 900 runs at 60-odd, and Ryan ten Doeschate impressed low down the order with 845 @ 42.25 but too often the recognised batsmen failed.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The form of opener Pettini was woeful, his high-score of 86* coming during an engineered result against Leicestershire, and taking on the demands of captaincy at just 23-years-old clearly had a stultifying effect on his batting. With Alastair Cook on international duty for much of the summer, Varun Chopra struggled to cope in his first full campaign, and it was frequently left to the likes of Foster, still pressing an England case, and overseas star Andy Bichel (who averaged 60.25, with two fine swashbuckling centuries) to ease the team out of trouble.

<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">In one-day competition only Bopara contributed regularly, totting up more than 400 at an average of better than 40. Good performances in the FP Trophy - where even Chopra and Pettini crashed hundreds, in a nine-wicket win over Middlesex - tailed off when the Pro40 defence began, to the point that only four half-centuries were scored by Essex batsmen in the six contested matches.

[b]Bowling:[/b]
While our two main imports from 'for'n parts' collected 115 wickets between them at a little above 20 apiece - Danish Kaneria, 74 @ 22.2; Bichel, 41 @ 20.53 - the next highest return was James Middlebrook's 24 at a price of 40-odd. In fact, nine other bowlers, including Andre Nel in his brief spell and the on-loan Martin Saggers, took just 75 wickets between them, costing more than 40 each.

<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">As in recent seasons, the load fell heavily on the bouncing frame of Kaniera, who sent more than his fair share of teams to defeat and finished a remarkable third in the PCA's inaugural Most Valuable Player ranking. Unfortunately the 'spin twins', Middlebrook and Tim Phillips (who Essex seem intent on turning into a batsman, despite a first-class average of 19), could only provide intermittent support. The bowling highlight, skittling eventual-champs Somerset for 152 in a match we would surely have won but for a lost fourth day, was down to Bichel's 6fer - but no one other than him, Kaneria and Saggers managed five wickets in an innings.
The one faint spark came in the final Championship fixture against Middlesex, where an attack deprived of both the Pakistani leggie and the Aussie allrounder took 20 wickets for 400, Tony Palladino's match analysis of 6-for-97 the pick. In the one-dayers, several players chipped in despite the ultimate disappointment, with Bichel and Kaneria once again to the fore and Bopara, Napier and Ten Doeschate all claiming respectable figures.

<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Probable Championship side:[/b]
Gallian
Chopra (Cook when not on England duty)
Pettini (capt)
Bopara
Ten Doeschate
Foster (wk)
Middlebrook
Phillips/Napier
Tudor
Masters/Palladino/Wright
Kaneria

It seems likely that Essex will build their batting around a hardy middle-order of Bopara, Ten Doeschate, Foster and Middlebrook, while Graham Napier and Tim Phillips will probably compete as utility allrounders depending on whether the pitch is taking spin or seam. The bowling line-up is by no means settled, and Mervyn Westfield or Jamaica-born Maurice Chambers could come into contention. Pettini should drop down to accommodate the pressures of the captaincy, while Kaneria's contributions will again be vital. Expect some experimentation in the short game, with possible appearances from the veteran Grant Flower and young quick Jahid Ahmed.


[b]Key Man:[/b]
Although the obvious choice is Kaneria, who bettered his 2004 return with last summer's performances, I'm going to plump for Ravi Bopara. After a tough winter in Sri Lanka with England, where his Test career did not get off to the most auspicious of starts, Ravi will have to hit his straps back in the county milieu in order to prove his reputation again. He needs to plunder runs in the four-day format, and chip in with more wickets than he did last year (11 @ 45), while continuing his development as a watchful, wristy one-day batsman who can also knock over a couple of the opposition's top-order with the cherry in hand.

[b]Rising Star(s):[/b]
Tom Westley is the name on Essexonians lips (well, it should be anyway) and the lad looks set to feature in the Championship sooner rather than later. Already averaging just over 30 from a handful of first-class innings, it would be a pleasure to see him in action at the County Ground in his first season since signing on full professional terms. Other prospects include Jaik Mickleburgh (batsman) and Adam Wheater (wicketkeeper/batsman), who both played on the recently completed pre-season tour to Dubai.

[b]Captain and Coach:[/b]
Mark Pettini has struggled to combine both the tactical and man-management aspects of the captaincy with an effective personal contribution, and this season will be an important test of his mettle. As the county circuit's youngest captain he will need to rely on new head coach Paul Grayson's experience to ensure a successful partnership through 2008. Much is required, but expectations should probably remain modest. Graham Gooch, who has ploughed funds into Essex's scholarship scheme, remains as batting coach, while there may even be a few words of wisdom floating over the boundary rope from the sainted Ronni Irani at some point...

Trescothick leaves a terrific England career behind

Confirmation of the end was sad but inevitable. Marcus Trescothick has seemed a tormented man for two years, weighed down by problems far superseding anything that occurs on the cricket pitch. So it was somehow fitting that he did not go out in a blaze of glory, but a low-key announcement that he was officially retiring from international cricket. For he has been a man not entirely comfortable with the intense media glare international cricketers are now subjected to, preferring to quietly go about scoring runs than chase headlines or the England captaincy.

For six years from his debut in 2000, Trescothick was a fearsome sight at the top of England's order. Commentators frequently bemoaned his lack of foot movement, but he developed a highly effective 'stand and deliver' method that relied on hand-eye coordination, eyesight and, above all, an uncluttered mindset that focussed on hitting the ball cleanly. If that sounds a little demeaning, it should not, for it takes a fiercely single-minded individual to have trust in his method and succeed with a technique that many believed was fundamentally flawed, and could not succeed over an extended period against the best.

Trescothick was very much Duncan Fletcher's pick, selected not for any sterling county deeds but largely for an innings of 167 against Glamorgan, who Fletcher was coaching at the time, in 1999. The knock displayed his uninhibited talent, his ability to play his natural game even as others around him were losing confidence in theirs, and a power that could intimidate the world's finest bowlers. He was a tremendous team-man, too, whose selflessness was exemplified when he compromised his batting in accepting the challenge of keeping wicket for England in the one-day series in New Zealand in 2002.

Trescothick was at his best when he stopped worrying about technique, and allowed his rich natural instincts and belligerence to come to the fore. These were the hallmarks of some of his most memorable Test knocks, including his momentum-seizing 90 in the 2005 Ashes and an epic 219 to help England square the series with South Africa two years previously. The latter was particularly noteworthy, as it came at a time when his technique was under exceptional scrutiny. But he succeeded in freeing his mind from technical jargon, displaying admirable resilience aided by the less glamorous attributes of selectivity, patience and sheer determination in his nine and-a-half hour masterpiece.

The finest and most valuable of his innings was indisputably at Johannesburg in 2005. A pulsating match- and series - was decided by Matthew Hoggard's 12-wicket haul, but it was Trescothick's brilliance under pressure that set-up victory. He scored 180 out of England's second innings 332, launching a fearless and selfless assault on the South African attack while team-mates floundered. This was vintage Trescothick: driving powerfully; pulling audaciously; treating the spin of Nicky Boje with disdain; and steadfastly refusing to get bogged down by the pressure team-mates were succumbing to.

It is for knocks like these that Trescothick deserves to be remembered. While his technique was to some extent found out by Gillespie and McGrath, he had the faith to stick with it and play a vital part in the 2005 Ashes - failing, sadly, to score his first Test hundred against Australia. While he can be pigeon-holed as a thrasher of trundling medium-pace, the truth is Trescothick was a wonderfully adaptable player, who excelled himself against South Africa but, utilising his long reach and slog-sweep, was also, just behind Graham Thorpe, the most successful Englishman of his time in the sub-Continent. His vigil of 193 in Pakistan in late 2005, when he had reluctantly accepted the captaincy, seemed to signal a time of renewed productivity, when he would consistently combine his patience with his natural free-hitting skill. But it was not quite to be.

Trescothick was the consummate team-man, and deserves to feel no guilt for walking out of the Ashes tour. With 26 international hundreds, he was a hugely commendable international batsman, and one of the finest openers England have ever possessed in ODIs, the man behind countless daring assaults during the overs of fielding restrictions.

At 32, he could have still had his best international years in front of him. It is not to be but everyone will hope Trescothick will replicate his form of last season for several more years with Somerset, the county of his birth and, in these days when international superstars seldom turn out for their counties, almost nostalgically close to his heart. If he does, he may yet achieve something just as satisfying as the 2005 Ashes win: a first county championship for Somerset.

KP & I

I think I have KP worked out.

This means one of two things, I too am a pretentious wanker who can annoy at first glance, or, somehow through my deep analysis of South Africans I have discovered what makes them tick.

I’m going with the former.

Let’s look at what we know about KP.

In South Africa he was generally ignored and quotaed against, whilst he thought everyone should talk about him, praise him and lick the grey sticky bits from outta his toes.

Goes to England and kicks ass like a German heavy metal band.

Finally gets into the one day side, plays his old country and treats them like a cheating husband caught on an anniversary with an uncomfortable looking goat.

Then everyone says, well KP, you’re a slogger, and your hairstyle makes us think of Vanilla Ice, so we don’t think we can pick you.

He responds by putting Australia over his knee and giving them the biggest non Lara Spanking in a long time.

Then whilst people are still doubting his technique, he plays across the line to much, he charges to much, he is way too confident to play for England too much, he smotes his way around the world.

What follows next is acceptance, is admiration, is why can’t we have a KP?

Which makes him think the world actually likes him, and a form slump follows.

You see KP needs to be hated, it is the very core of the man.

What else could explain the hair do, the friendship with Warney, the country of birth and the constant unnecessary charging of bowlers.

It’s either he needs to be hated, or he has a little wiener.

What has happened recently, the press have finally started covering his form slump, which was one that Graeme Smith or Mark Taylor would be proud of.

Suddenly, like a washed up rock star with a sampled track on the radio he dusted off his tight pants and made his way back to the stage.

His innings, which further illustrates how much better he is than anyone born in England, was the innings of a true test type test playing test understanding batsman.

Who knew.

But now how do the England keep him perennially thinking that his spot is in jeopardy and that no one likes him.

Actually scratch that, if anyone can do it, the English press can.

They can turn a previously well structured man into Steve Harmison.

Although with steve the well structured bit is probably not true.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Player Discussion : Best Fast Bowler of the 90s

Author: spin wizardSubject: Best Fast Bowler of the 90sPosted: 20 March 2008 at 11:10pmBond?? Maybe you didn't see the "90's".

Friday, March 21, 2008

How will India ruin Ishant Sharma?

I think Ishant Sharma is the most exciting young bowling prospect since Waqar Younis, assuming Waqar Younis was ever young.

But he is Indian, and a real fast bowler, so you would have to assume that somewhere along the line he will fade away or lose form.

Let’s look at the potential ways.

His adam’s apple is actually an alien, sent from the planet klaatu, and is intent on killing us all. Some Bollywood producer (aka India mafia dude) gets him a gig on the Indian remake of irreversible starring Aishwarya Rai, but he takes his scene too far and accidentally slams her head into the subway wall killing her instantly and is lynched by horny teens every where.

He listens to Navjot Sidhu and Bishen Bedi for 20 minutes and his head explodes.

He gets caught in a lift with Sunil Gavaskar whom rages about how all Australian’s are @ssholes for 2 minutes and his adam's apple inverts and chokes him from within.

He gets given an English passport.

Playgirl magazine offer him a billion dollars to do a naked centrefold. Indian’s are outraged, as his Adam’s apple is air brushed out.

Tania Zaetta meets him in a bar, and they have a torrid lust affair in which Ishant falls madly in love with her and follows her to Sydney and lives out his days as Mr Zaetta.

He shaves for the first time, but being that he is so awkward he accidentally cuts his own throat and kills himself.

Inspired by his love of Jason Gillespie he grows a ponytail and starts breaking down.

Bored with cricket, women and millions of dollars he starts practicing Auto Erotic Asphyxiation. His first time ends in heart break (insert Adam’s apple joke here).

He remembers he is Indian and starts bowling left arm orthodox or straight breaks.

The Indian government give him Bangladesh as payment for being so good, which starts a war with Pakistan, which results on America bombing the whole region, Ishant dies whilst tying to save a whole village of cricket academy students whose rich parents couldn’t make it in time.

Me and Andre take over the world and we abduct him from India and make him play for Jrodre, the new world super power.

Pakistan get bored and fire nuclear missiles at India, thus ending his career, and the lives of countless others. Sunil Gavaskar survives.

He is raped and killed by a pack of super monkey’s who are trained and controlled by Navjot Sidhu.

Everyone in India tells him he is gods gift to fast bowling until he becomes Shoaib Ahktar.

He joins the circus.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Ch-ch-changes

Just a quick word about a change on the site - I've added a list of 20 or so of the best (least bad) pieces on Third Umpire for your viewing pleasure. With 375 posts to date, hopefully this'll be somewhere for new visitors to start.

As ever, any feedback on the site - what you think about the way we're, or what you'd like to see (or any 'best pieces' I missed out on - would be much appreciated. Incidentally, we'll be starting our county previews in the next couple of days, so, if you aren't a regular but would like to do one for your side, do drop me a comment or email - cricketingworld(at)hotmail.com

Who is Tim Southee?

Is he a man with forefathers who liked vowels?

Is he the Richard Hadlee who is not a ©unt we have all been waiting for?

Is he ready to break down a lot and leave for India like only a true New Zealander can?

Or is he the Danny Morrison clone we have all been hoping never comes back?

I don’t know, and until he takes wickets, I probably don’t care.

But young bowlers are exciting, even the New Zealander ones.

He was recently named the best under 19 cricketer in the world, or thereabouts.

His credentials involve one 2020 game, and yet because he is not a drunken fat slogger we have heard only so much about him.

Perhaps he if slices his hand open in a bar, gets caught with weed, or gives a press conference about his sexuality we will care about him.

New Zealanders never really get a lot press.

Shane Bond was a demon from hell, and yet, his defection got more headlines than the 21 times he tore Australia's heart out and ate it.

If Brendan McCullum were English they would dedicate monuments to him, knight him, find him a pop star girlfriend and ruin him in the space of 2 months.

What about the Perfect boyfriend Jacob Oram, a man so grand if he were Sri Lankan he would be given Colombo.

Ofcourse if Lou Vincent were Australian, we would disown him and send him to some lesser country and let him play for them.

New Zealand is still a test playing nation, the england found that out the hard way.

That was just after South Africa all but proved they weren’t one.

But they are still the number 3 ranked one day side in the world, and I’m sure if you search long and hard enough someone will care about that fact.

They aren't even as rubbish as I, and everyone else in the cricket world is saying.

But that doesn't mean that anyone gives a sh1t about Tim Southee.

Yet.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Thursday, March 20, 2008

celebrate the world hates graeme day

It’s some sort of Equinox.

I don’t really understand or care about this, but some commenters to this site seemed to think this was a sign of global unity.

Who am I to argue?

But then they went further and said that the real sign of Global Unity is the fact everyone in the world hates Graeme Smith.

I would like to believe this is true, but alas, not everyone knows Graeme Smith in the world, which is probably the only reason more people don’t hate him.

But if they did…….

America could hate him for out arroganting its Olympic men’s bakestball team.

Iran would hate him for the amount of times he comes out and says things that embarrass his people.

Playground bullies would hate him, as he gives bullies a bad name.

Any talented person who is poor would hate him, because he is untalented a rich.

The raelians would hate him because he does not understand that cloning and giving the raelians headquarters in Jerusalem are the only way to salvation.

Canadians would hate him, because he would remind them of Americans.

Nice guys who can’t get laid would hate him, because he gets laid, and is far from nice.

Pets would hate him, because they would feel nervous around him.

Lebanese goat herders would hate him, because as we know he hates goats.

However there are some people who may like him.

The Germaine for president society would love him, cause he proves everything they have been saying for some time.

Those Mongolian matriarchal women would love him, because he proves matriarchy is a viable option.

The Lesbian coalition of Turkey would love him, because he would convert new members.

South Africans would love him, because they don’t know any better.

Today let us celebrate the first ever the world hates graeme day.

You can do this by beating up your neighbours kid, telling your friends your better than them, or picking up a girl who is clearly underage.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"