Freddie serves chicken hearts & sehwag preaches

Cricket is a funny game.

True Story.

Today I got to watch Neil McKenzie be Neil MacKenzie.

I missed Sehwag standing on the pulpit smashing away an evil mystery.

As an avid sehwagologist I should have been front and centre, but as always I was not allowed to see two lots of brown men play against each other.

Not fair.

MacKenzie I am allowed to see.

But I would prefer to stick a turkey baster full of vinegar into my penis.

Then when life overtook cricket, I also missed watching Freddie handing Kallis his tiny chicken heart on a platter.

From what I hear Kallis didn’t like the taste one bit.

This I was allowed to see via the wonders of replay.

But nothing can beat Kallis getting clean bowled live.

So instead of regaling you with vital insights into Sehwag’s brilliant innings, or hyping up Kallis v Freddie Don King like, I am left with only talking about how exceptionally well MacKenzie leaves a cricket ball.

Which he does.

No really, he does.

It reminds me of a proust poem.

You know the one.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Farce sounds like

England all out for 231.

Paul Collingwood’s form is now at Britney Spears level, once he hits Tori Spelling it’s time he was put out of his misery.

Gunt(h)er was at his snarling whimsical best.

Kallis thrust his bulk down the wicket quite well.

Ntini was bowling like a man waiting for his pension plan.

Cook and Bell batted very stoically.

The rest were various forms of rubbish.

Freddy was so over it he ran out his batting partners in a form of silent protest.

But after all that i still didn't think it was that bad.

England could defend 230.

Probably not, but they could.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Eyelids doesn't have eyes in the back of his head

Darren Pattinson is not turning his back on England.

Probably in case they knife him.

Pattinson who does not own an Australian passport (what logo is on yours KP?), was thinking about leaving England and moving back into the safe haven that is Dandenong.

Victoria has signed him up next year as an overseas player, which technically he should have been before, being that he isn’t Australian.

Victoria’s administracrats didn’t even know he wasn’t Australian.

Classy stuff.

Eyelids is going to have a chat with his mate Geoff Miller, and see what the situation is.

I suggest he asks to be thought of as a batsman, as he is surely in better form than Paul Collingwood.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Shambolic England On The Brink

Mickey Arthur this week denounced the recall of Steve Harmison as a desperate and short term move by England which took no account of the upcoming 2009 Ashes series. He was right. Michael Atherton tore into selectors both in general and specifically for recalling Harmison in The Times, stating that they were clearly sending out the wrong message about selection. He was right. Harmison would have been a temporary and short sighted pick. He is bowling well at present and would undoubtedly take wickets, but he doesn’t play ODI’s, he doesn’t travel as every Tom, Dick and Harry knows and he takes a good few matches to get into form, largely because he doesn’t put in the training which other players do. So that would make him available for the second Test series of every summer which just is not viable.

Meanwhile, “The Michael Vaughan Batting Club”, to quote a friend, seems now to be more exclusive and cosy than ever, when it’s hegemony should be in the process of being disrupted. To the untrained eye it appears as though England have imploded in a relatively short period of time. However, look a little closer and the problems have been mounting for a year. The series loss to India was unfortunate, but signalled the start of the latest period of turmoil. The embarrassing performance in Sri Lanka hit the side hard and many a mistake was made. Owais Shah, one of England’s best players of spin and slow, low pitches was baffling left out of the side so as to accommodate Ravi Bopara, who proceeded to have one of the worst debuts by an England Test player. And following a series of drops, Matt Prior himself was dropped, which saw Tim Ambrose take over the gloves, another compromise between keeping and batting ability was made.

To New Zealand and one poor match spelled the end for Matthew Hoggard, whilst Steve Harmison finally got what had been coming his way for the previous two years. Team England escaped with a 2-1 series win, but they had been expected to thrash the Kiwis. Tim Ambrose and Paul Collingwood looked good and Andrew Strauss appeared to be back to his best. However, the fact that the Kiwis are a very limited side was completely forgotten. On to the home series against New Zealand and England faced an even more limited side, eventually triumphing 2-0. However, they deserved to lose the second Test after yet more woeful batting and despite a Michael Vaughan revival (currently expected in 1 in 4 series). A good side would have thrashed the Kiwis twice.

Then South Africa arrived and on a placid pitch England racked up the runs, but the ease with which South Africa avoided defeat showed that the pitch had played a major role. The key point was also that only Ian Bell and Kevin Pietersen made big runs. The bowling attack meanwhile lacked hostility and pace. Whilst swing may account for average batsman, good batsmen need to be tested with pace and bounce. Andrew Flintoff’s return has been claimed to have unbalanced the side. That is simply not true. He has kept this England side in the hunt and given them drive which was sorely lacking. Ultimately, the sad truth is that England are playing a very good side, a testing side and they are realising that they are just not good enough.

Alistair Cook last scored a ton ten Tests ago, but at least he has averaged 40.00 since November 2007. Vaughan is averaging 28.05 since the start of the Sri Lanka tour, with 1 hundred in 22 innings. Collingwood averages 28.25 in the same period with no hundreds in 18 innings. And Tim Ambrose’s average in down to 26.76 as it continues it’s descent. England can not afford to keep on carrying players, but that is exactly what they continue to do. The term “Michael Vaughan Batting Club” is of course meant to be comical, but it sums up this current England side perfectly. Vaughan has always been staunchly loyal to his charges and this was once a virtue, in the days after the brutally honest regime of Nasser Hussain, but it has now most certainly become a problem, with judgement now blurred by loyalty.

Andrew Strauss was out of form for an age before he was finally dropped and then recalled without hitting a single run in county cricket. Paul Collingwood was dropped for one match before being recalled for the current Test in place of Stuart Broad. The reasoning behind this seemed stupid at the start and even stupider now. Stuart Broad needed a rest, yet is playing a four day game for Nottinghamshire. The extra batsman would balance the side, yet they essentially replaced a cricketer who has averaged 55 this year with one who has averaged 8. Are the fans missing something here? The end result was obvious for everyone to see even before Collingwood had gone out to bat and once he was there it was even more painfully obvious, no less so than to Collingwood himself, whose torturous 45 minute innings was packed full of nerves and completely devoid of any semblance of confidence. His lack of confidence seems even to be effecting his fielding, as he dropped a relatively easy catch off of Neil McKenzie later on.

England need a reality check and now. They will lose this series, that is all but a certainty. They will likely lose it 3-0 unless changes are made and barring a Flintoff inspired miracle. Even worse though, they are likely to be humiliated in India and at home by Australia if they do not do what is necessary and change the batting line-up. If it means changing the captain then so be it. Players can only live on past glories for so long and Geoffrey Boycott is not alone in seeing Vaughan as a cricketer who is far from the man who peaked in Australia in 2002. It isn’t as if he excels for Yorkshire either and one good score every other series simply isn’t enough. Who comes in for Vaughan and Collingwood is up for debate, but the leading candidates are Ravi Bopara and Owais Shah, whilst the likes of Rob Key and Joe Denly will be watching the latest troubles of Cook and Strauss with great interest. The captaincy would have to pass to either a younger player, or the more experienced Andrew Strauss, who is statistically proven to improve his run output as captain, averaging around 15 runs more as captain for Middlesex and England (55.66). Vaughan incidentally averages 5.38 runs less as captain (36.24).

On the wicket keeping front it is probably time to go with the best keeper in the country, who in my opinion is James Foster. He will also fit nicely into the ODI side, allowing England to keep consistency of selection which they see as being crucial. If Broad has been returned to county cricket to work on his bowling then playing four bowlers becomes an easier task for England, with the current incumbents the most deserving, although Broad and Simon Jones would be pushing the likes of Bopara and Sidebottom hard for their places in the near future. It is worth noting that at the moment Broad and Jones could only play in a five man attack. Perhaps if the batting line-up could deliver the runs then five bowlers would once again be a viable option. For the moment though it is not.

[b]England Test Batting Averages since November 2007:[/b]

Strauss 45.07
Cook 40.00
Vaughan 28.05
Pietersen 41.31
Bell 46.66
Collingwood 28.25
Ambrose 26.75
Broad 41.22
Flintoff 45.5 (3 innings, 1 not out)
Bopara 8.40 (3 innings)

english cricket

Now that I am in England I thought I would give a fair and balanced report on English cricket.

After all I have seen 1 and a half 40 over games now.

Pro40 is stoopid.

The name is misleading as it is not a tournament for professional cricketers over the age of 40.

Although it could be.

Most of the players seem to be about 40, and are hanging on to their professions by threads.

In fact on first evidence to play in the pro40 competition you seem to need to be mid 30’s and out of contention for international cricket or South African.

If you are younger than Paul Nixon or Ian Salisbury, or your surname is Botha you may not get a game.

How does Paul Nixon fumbling behind the wicket help English Cricket?

Will Ian Salisbury’s instantly recognisable wrong un help anyone?

Is bowling to Boeta Dippenar a good thing?

There are still 20 county teams, no matter what division they are in, and on first impressions they look like they have enough talent to field 4 sides.

By the way the Pro40 is a 40 over a side competition.

Pretty useful I’d say.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Inform batsman out, out of form batsman in

The English public seem to think the Darren Pattinson selection was the end of the world.

But judging from what little press I’ve seen, no one seems angry at the exclusion of their best batsmen for a man who couldn’t find form in a place that lets you acquire it at basement bargain prices.

Stuart Broad, out, Paul Collingwood, in.

Broad, who seems to have given up bowling, was on his way to being the worlds best number 8.

Number 8 specialist batsman are hard to come by, but Broad thought that by outscoring, and generally out playing all your team mates this would make him an automatic inclusion.

The selectors decided that they would opt for a bowler at 8.

None of this explains the Collingwood situation.

Collingwood’s bowling form is 12 times greater than that of his batting, as I almost saw him get a wicket recently.

He looks like a shadow of a ghost of a dream of a figment of some autistics kids’ imagination right now.

But he is back.

Broad is being compared to Sobers off the back foot, sure it was from Boycott, but who is Collingwood being compared to, Quasimodo?

Collingwood is a fighter, which is lucky, because if you have as much talent as him, and you can’t fight do you know what you become, unemployed.

Broad will be back though, as there is one thing that seems obvious with the current English selectors, they all enjoy LSD, and they will keep going with people they think are grand.

See Collingwood and Freddie for examples.

Form is temporary, selectorial incompetence is permanent.www.cricketwithballs.com

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come to england and get a job

I've been in England for a few hours and I already have a job.

The practically give them out at the airport.

Check here for evidence.

True story.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

the backlift of rikki clarke

There are many things I could tell you about England.

Firstly it is insanely hot here.

And they have a lot of fried chicken.

But England is summed up by one thing.

Rikki Clarke’s back lift.

I don’t believe anyone could have a backlift like it and not be English.

It looks like a gay actor’s interpretation of Graham Gooch’s back lift.

Stiff, proper and camp.

Like a cup of tea, or Prince Charles.

Or Prince Charles drinking a cup of tea, but thinking of a pint of beer.

Clarke seems to make some runs in spite of his backlift handicap, although, he does seem to be late on every attacking shot he plays.

Apparently Clarke played test cricket once, I think it is good he doesn’t play anymore, as children imitate test cricketers, and he could start a pandemic of weird backlifts.

I say all this because I saw Rikki Clarke make runs.

The commentators seemed rather excited by it.

I was not.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Player Discussion : Suresh Raina

Author: bladescapeSubject: Suresh RainaPosted: 26 July 2008 at 1:10amIn my cocoa!
I don't have cocoa,Sledge.(except on special occaisions)
Though that may be why dinner tasted weird....
Your right about the problems against short stuff,Spinny.
But that is something Oram has as well.
I think it is something that he can improve.Edited by bladescape - 26 July 2008 at 1:11am

Championship Review - Week 12

[b]In all of the 20Twenty excitement, it’s all change at the top of both divisions of the County Championship as Notts and Worcester take their chances, while Lancashire are frustrated/ hang on (delete according to viewpoint) against Hampshire.[/b]

[b]Division 1[/b]
Only two games in the top division, and with Durham not playing [b]Nottinghamshire[/b] had the chance to return to the top â€" as did [b]Yorkshire[/b], mathematically. Notts decision to bat first looked to have backfired as they were bowled out for 213. However, this was enough for a decent first innings lead, as Yorkshire, missing Antony McGrath who was injured in the warm up, made just 161 with Charlie Shrek taking five wickets. Batting got easier second time round, particularly as Rana Naved picked up an injury which restricted his bowling and Notts made 350, leaving Yorkshire needing 403. Despite an outstanding 132 (his maiden first class century) from Adam Lyth, it was a player at the other end of his career that took the plaudits as Mark Ealham finished up with seven wickets in the total of 290 and Notts ran out comfortable winners to top the table. Yorkshire are beginning to look over their shoulders.

[b]Lancashire [/b]could have gone top with a win over [b]Hampshire [/b]and started well with 357 in their first innings, Imran Tahir taking five wickets on debut for Hants. A stand of 145 between Michael Brown and Chris Benham rescued Hants from 35 for 3, but their total of 288 still gave Lancs a decent lead. However, Tahir went two better second time round, taking 7 wickets as Lancs struggled to 155, leaving Hants needing 225 for victory in 71 overs. A poor start meant that the chase was more about survival. However, at the close of play they had reached 215 for 7, only 10 runs short of an unlikely victory. They stay in the bottom two, while Lancs move up to 2nd.

[b]Division 2[/b]
With Warwickshire having a week off, [b]Worcestershire [/b]had the chance to go top against a [b]Middlesex [/b]team who’s mind was on the 20Twenty finals. Indeed Middlesex were indebted to a fine 91 from Shaun Udal to get them to 300, Kabir Ali taking 5 wickets. Worcester went 61 runs better, with Ben Smith getting out in the 90s again. In the second innings, it was only a century partnership between Dawid Malan and Ben Scott that got Middlesex to 164, with Gareth Batty taking 5 wickets. Worcester knocked off the 105 needed for victory without losing a wicket to go top while Middlesex’s challenge is faltering.

Also keeping up the pressure at the top are [b]Essex[/b], who restricted [b]Gloucestershire [/b]to 275 in their first innings, despite Marcus North getting 98. However, at 109 for 6 Essex were struggling and only a lower order rally, centred around James Foster took them to a four run first innings lead, Steve Kirby taking five wickets. Danesh Kaneria took five wickets second time round as Gloucester struggled to 184. Essex were quickly 7 for 2, but then reached the 181 needed for vitory without losing another wicket, Ravi Bopara getting a hundred with support from Neil Dexter. Essex are 4th, but with a game in hand over Worcester and Northants, who are also still in the hunt.

[b]Northamptonshire [/b]stayed in contention with a Kolpakshire derby win against [b]Leicestershire[/b]. Northants made 373 first time round with David Sales contributing 151. this was enough for a lead of 200 as Leicestershire struggled to 173. Following on they had reached 92 for 6 before Paul Nixon’s 73 at least meant that Northants had to bat again, ending on 226. Northants lost 2 wickets in their chase of 27, but still ran out comfortable winners to move 3rd in the table.

[b]England Player Watch[/b]
Another century for Ravi Bopara who is having an excellent season for Essex. In contrast Owais Shah made just 7 runs in his two innings.

On the bowling front, Adil Rashid is back in the wickets, taking 6, while Matthew Hoggard took five wickets. Charlie Shrek took a 5-fer and given the selector’s current love of Notts bowlers, he time may come soon!

[b]Player of the Week[/b]
Not many matches, but some outstanding performances. [b]Adam Lyth[/b] deserves credit for his maiden century as does [b]David Sales[/b] for his 151. [b]Mark Ealham[/b] turned back the years with his 7-fer, however it was another 7-fer that almost took Hampshire to an unlikely victory that wins the award. Last season he played one game for Yorkshire and looked out of his depth. This season he’s started his Hants career with 12 wickets in a match and the Player of the Week is [b]Imran Tahir[/b].

Watching the English: a guide for The Jrod

<p align="justify">The Jrod is, as we speak, in midair making his way over to this green and pleasant land.

While he is over here I expect he will go to watch some live cricket.

Balls fans, what does he need to know? I start you off with some suggestions.

1. However hot the day might seem, always, always take a jumper and an umbrella.

2. However cold the day might seem, always, always take a hat, sunglasses and suncream.

3. You are still allowed to take alcohol into Lords, and you can maximise the units of alcohol by taking wine not beer.

4. There is no cashpoint near the Oval, and there isn't really anywhere to get picnic food either, unless it's a Saturday in which case the farmers' market is open.

5. Don't go to the first beer stall, go to the second.

6. The Oval scoreboard will make you cry with frustration.

7. You will get frisked with a metal detector on the way in to big matches. Therefore, it's probably best to leave the remote control sex toy at home.

8. A counselling course is required before you undergo the trauma of paying for a pint of Pimms.

9. At test matches, you will be tempted to change energy supplier by attractive blonde sirens. Resist.

10. Whatever they might say on the tannoy at Lord's, St John's Wood tube is not too busy for going home.

11. Never rely on being able to watch cricket in any particular pub. It will most probably be bumped if anything - anything - else is on.

12. The beer sold at the grounds is shocking.

13. If you are repeatedly buying multiple pints, hang on to the cardboard carrying thing because they sometimes run out of them by the end of the day.

14. Tickets for county games are very expensive compared with Australian State games.

Any more?
www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Paul Collingwood is a mezzo-soprano

I sing in a choir, and it has recently struck me that cricket teams and choirs are in fact very similar.

Both rely on a combination of teamwork and individual skill.

Both contain divas and plodders.

In both, you can be fat and still perform at an international level.

Neither group should be let loose in a room full of alcohol.

In both groups, there are a few individuals who will misbehave badly when on tour (of which, the less said the better, thanks).

The parallels run deeper than that though. The individuals bear certain common characteristics.

[b]The opening batsmen[/b]: soprano. The most easily defined role. Rarely has to adapt to a crisis.

[b]The no. 3 batsman[/b]: Steady, musically accurate soprano, in the choir for their ability to steady the ship when it's going astray.

[b]The no. 4 batsman[/b]: hochdramatisch soprano. Usually gets the solos, good ones are one of the rarest voice types, rarely develop until after about age 28. Doesn't always blend well with others.

[b]The middle order bat[/b]: the body of the choir sopranos, work ok together but individuals rarely stand out. No solos.

[b]The bits-and-pieces dibbly dobbly player[/b]: mezzo soprano. Everyone is a bit mezzo soprano. It's the variations at either end of the range that are rarer and more highly prized.

[b]The wicketkeeper[/b]: the high tenor. Often too loud, often short.

[b]The medium-pacer[/b]: trusty unspectacular alto, put in that position because they happen to be able to do it, does the same thing all day, little variety.

[b]The mystery spinner with the suspect action[/b]: castrato (no balls)

[b]The no. 8[/b]: the occasional countertenor. Professes to be able to sing more than one voice part, but you very rarely find one who does both to a good enough standard.

[b]The fast bowler[/b]: bass-baritone, plenty of testosterone but agility in the upper register too.

[b]The leggie[/b]: I understand from The Jrod that leggies are the real men, so the leggie must therefore be the deep Rachmaninov bass. A hit with the ladies, and performance is positively enhanced by late nights and drinking. www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Match report, Twenty20 Finals day

<p align="justify">
You all know what happened at the cricket, so I won't bore you with that. Instead, I give you all the whatevphemera.

I watched this day of cricket in a pub, with absolutely delightful company. This report is therefore told through the hazy level of recall that only alcohol can induce.

There weren't many people in the pub when I arrived. I think this was because it was a beautiful sunny day (yes! in ENGLAND! Who knew?), and not because of any raucous behaviour from the group.

My team is Surrey, and obviously they were nowhere to be seen this being Finals Day, so I had to choose someone else to support. I plumped for Middlesex, because of Dirty Dirk.

I have a new idea for Middlesex kit: identical to their whites, but slightly pink as if there's been a mass laundry accident.
<p align="justify">At one point there was an interview with Ed Smith, and he and the interviewer were sitting on the grass. HOWEVER, Ed was wearing shorts, and he was maintaining an almost-indecent leg position. Next time the camera went back to him, it was on his face only.

During the break between the semi finals and the final, there was more time than expected because Middlesex overcame Durham's total with such ruthless efficiency. Sky therefore showed (again) that 800+ run ODI between South Africa and Australia. I've seen this quite a few times now; it's like the Bugsy Malone of programming in that it's quite hard to avoid. It was fun to relive it though. The following points are to be noted:

- Good GOD the Saffers were slim back then.
- Ricky Ponting has a discernible bald spot in this game.
- whilst it was nice to see the Aussies lose, it would have been nice if someone other than South Africa had won.

Sky then showed highlights of the Oval ODI in 2007 between England and India. India won again. I'd noted earlier in the day that Owais Shah was one of the loudest callers that I'd ever heard, and was reminded of this again in the KP run out. I did like the way Yuvraj flicked the bails off though.

Finally, for no reason other than The Jrod is in the air and can't stop me, here is a cat picture.

www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Shah ensures Twenty20 riches for Middlesex

After 15 years without a trophy, Middlesex certainly picked the right one to end their drought. In winning the 2008 Twenty20 Cup, they have earned themselves riches the envy of all county players. And their victory was utterly deserved: they have been the best side throughout the competition, winning 11 of their 13 games.

Their success has been built on the soundest of formulas. Mixing the accumulating batting style of Ed Joyce and Billy Godleman with the unorthodox flair of youngsters Eoin Morgan and Dawid Malan, the phenomenally-powerful hitting of Tyron Henderson and the tournament-winning brilliance of Owais Shah, their batting line-up was formidable indeed.

Their bowling was expected to be less so. However, in Murali Kartik and Shaun Udal, Middlesex had the best spin pair in the competition, able to suffocate the opposition in the middle overs with their canniness and subtle variations: Kartik’s economy rate was 6.7, Udal’s a brilliant 6.2. Their pace bowling appeared on paper to be their weak link, but Henderson, Dirk Nannes and Tim Murtagh all rose to the challenge throughout, with Henderson's yorker-filled death bowling particularly significant.

Always, they had someone able to take on the responsibility as the county set about improving upon their previously appalling Twenty20 record.

The best instance of this was Malan's extraordinary quarter-final century against Lancashire. At 21/4, the game seemed almost gone yet Malan's knock transformed the match. Driving powerfully against the seamers and treating Simon Marshall's leg-spin with skilful and calculated disdain, Malan provided evidence of a rare talent. He also illustrated the self-confidence and self-expression that Joyce, in tandem with injured club captain Ed Smith, has established.

Yesterday Middlesex certainly showed few signs of nerves in the first Twenty20 finals day. Against the favourites Durham, they stifled them through a combination of the parsimony of the Udal-Kartik duo and some wonderful fielding, leaving Shivnarine Chanderpaul unable to get into Twenty20 mode. Henderson then obliterated Durham's powerful pace attack with a 19-ball half-century, even having the audacity to launch Steve Harmison over his head for six. He was at it again in the final, as Middlesex's bold plan to promote him to number three paid dividends, but was totally overshadowed by Shah.

Called a big-game player by Joyce prior to the final, he proved him emphatically right with a model innings for this form of the game. Shah was able to manipulate the ball into gaps with his wrists, showing his propensity for finding unlikely corners of the outfield. He then launched a memorable assault upon the off-spin of James Tredwell: one would have called it slogging, but the incredible speed with which he hit through the ball and the distance with which three consecutive deliveries sailed over the ropes showed the skill and practise that have gone into the shot. The 34-ball 75 was a superb innings that illustrated the range of skills he brings to England’s limited-overs sides. And he surely deserves more than his mere two Test caps.a

As Rob Key and Joe Denly put on 89 at ten-an-over â€" opening with them for England would certainly be an improvement on the Bell-Wright partnership in the ODIs against New Zealand â€" Middlesex would have wondered whether their 187 would prove enough. But Kartik and above all Udal, with a relish for a big occasion the like of which seemed in the past when he retired last year, transformed proceedings, helped by Joyce’s run-out of Arafat. Darren Stevens and Justin Kemp took Kent to the brink, but Murtagh bowled a superb, yorker-leaden 18th over to confirm his startling progress since leaving Surrey. Even when Stevens departed, the assault continued, with two moments â€" Joyce’s drop off Kemp; and Malan’s awful throw gifting two runs â€" looking crucial as the equation became four off two balls. Henderson’s figures were 3.4-0-0-58, but the South African held his nerve to deliver two superb. A trophy, at last, was Middlesex’s.

With a richly talented side imbued with self-belief following this victory, Middlesex’s years of underachievement should be coming to an end. But they were thrashed by Worcestershire in their last CC match and remain lurking in Division Two mediocrity. Whatever their grim four-day form, Antigua, and perhaps India too, awaits.

the bushrangers and me, at last we part

<p class="MsoNormal">Today I leave for London.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Leaving behind the bushrangers.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I leave them in the capable hands of Bryce McGain.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He learnt a lot from our chat, and I expect next season the Victorians to play better accordingly.
<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">You could say it's out, Jrod, in Rogers.
<p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">Except I am not sure how happy I am to be replaced by a red headed opening batsman with glasses.

<p class="MsoNormal">

Some of the highlights of cricket with balls in melbourne, include Ken Piesse returning my email, Bryce McGain stalking me on facebook, and the lady at the G who asked if I had perverted stuff on my site.

As for me, I am off to London to make my crust, although probably not in bars or county cricket like the rest.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Like all Victorians, I will be better received in England than I ever was in Australia.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Since I am generally ignored in Australia this will not be hard.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Miriam will be trying to keep you infotained while I am in mid air.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Next time I speak to you, I won’t be in Kansas anymore.
<p class="MsoNormal">
www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Dirty Dirk defeats Rob Key

<p class="MsoNormal">2020 cricket is a war zone.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Black hawks go down.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Bridges are river kwaied.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Hand to hand combat is what wins the day.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The rose bowl was covered in blood.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">When the debris had cleared, the blood dried and the fallen had departed, one man stood resplendent on the pitch.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Covered in the blood of fallen adversaries and grunting like a wild boar, the man simply cleaned his bayonet and got ready for another battle.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">His name, Dirty Dirk Nannes.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Some may say that others had more of an impact on the result, but Dirty Dirk is the result.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He held sway by taking a crucial wicket of some dude I have never heard of and thusly gained the silverware for Middlesex.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">In 6 months this 2020 warrior has won two of the three biggest 2020 competitions on earth.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Had he played in the IPL, he would have won there too, on his own if he had to.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">A 2020 bowling average of 15, and an economy rate of under 7 means this man is 2020 cricket.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Robert Key trotted back to King Cricket to like his wounds as Dirty Dirk bathed in the glory of being a champion, again.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">And for those keeping score.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The big bash in Australia, won by Victoria.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The IPL in India, won by Shane Warne.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The twenty20 cup final won by Dirty Dirk.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Some people may sense a pattern here.
www.cricketwithballs.com

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Nashy good with a joy...

Nashy good with a joystick, but is he good with a real cricket side. <p class="MsoNormal">

<p class="MsoNormal">I have a wonderful record in International Cricket Captain.
<p class="MsoNormal">
I have led New Zealand to victories in Test Series against opposition that isn't Bangladesh.
<p class="MsoNormal">
I also refuse to play players that aren't all-rounders in the Andre Adams mould and anyone who is mediocre in the one-day game will still be tried out in New Zealand's one test series a decade.
<p class="MsoNormal">
If you average 20 with the bat and 30 with the ball with one 5 for, you are perfect for my team


<p class="MsoNormal">Also, 7 series ODI series a year against Australia is not enough, I will ask for more, more, more.


<p class="MsoNormal">My ODI team


<p class="MsoNormal">McCullum
Ryder
Styris
Oram
Astle
McMillan
Cairns
Adams
Vettori
Franklin
Southee


<p class="MsoNormal">The important thing is they bat to 11 and they have 10 bowling options.


<p class="MsoNormal">I would also give my desired test team but I know you don't care.

Most importantly I am Australian and thus have ticked the major criteria to being an international cricket coach.


<p class="MsoNormal">Nashy
<p class="MsoNormal">

<p style="font-weight: bold;" class="MsoNormal">Applications are still open @ cwb@cricketwithballs.com
<p class="MsoNormal">

www.cricketwithballs.com

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scientology defeats sehwagology

<p class="MsoNormal">As the unofficial rule of Australian sport is we will only watch two sides of dark people play if it’s in the NBA, the Sri Lanka hosting of India did not make it to my TV screen.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">It may have been on some extra pay TV channel with a silly name, but I did not have access to that.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">So all I could do was a bit of cric info ball by ball action.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I think I got the gist of the game.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Sri Lanka batted for a while, then got sick of it.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Murali bamboozles India’s top order.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Mendis finishes off the rest.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Game over.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The big story, if you don’t count Mendis beating Lara’s record, is The leader of Sehwagology getting given out after an umpire had given him not out.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The review process was used, and abused, the incorrect decision by the main umpire, was in fact correct, and the new correct decision helped by video, was now incorrect.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">To summarise, the third umpire, and hawk eye, got it wrong.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Hawk eye, the drunken Nostradamus machine, is quite often wrong, so using it in LBW’s is the obvious choice.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Apparently Ol’ Hawk missed the flick on the front pad, which would have rendered Sehwag, O prince of princes, not out.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">So because of “technology”, India lose the test match, as we all know Sehwag would have gone on to make 300 in a day, get India 130 runs up and then take 7 for 12 as Bhaji did commando rolls.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Yet again the umpires do India in, even when they get the benefit of the doubt, Hawk eye, which is some sort of weapon of confusion, over rules and Sehwag is outed.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The system that was brought in to stop the obvious errors, made an obvious error, and we the people were robbed of a sermon of Sehwagology.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">This proves what I have long suspected, the ICC is run by scientologists, and India find new ways to get shafted by umpires.
<p class="MsoNormal">
www.cricketwithballs.com

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Instructions on how to be an Indian Cricketer

<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Walk to a public place.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Loosen belt.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Drop trou.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Remove underwear.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Bend over.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Grab ankles.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Now hold that position for about 4 days.
<p class="MsoNormal">You now feel 30% of the pain that India are feeling right now.

And that is without your mistakes being reviewed.www.cricketwithballs.com

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12th man's application

The flying Jandal ticket is rolling now.

Here is the 12th man's application, count it.

<p style="text-align: center;" align="center">[b]TO WHOMSOEVER IT MAY CONCERN[/b]



I, hereby, list below the reasons that support my candidature for coaching the BLACK CAPS. I also go one step further in suggesting the revolutionary measures I will be adopting when I’m given the opportunity.



[b]WHY ME?[/b]


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">1) India and China are the next big things in the world economy. So, an Indian, who writes cricket blogs under the title ‘Chinese Cut’, should be the obvious choice for coaching the BLACKCAPS to take on the likes of Australia and South Africa for the Number One spot in Cricket.


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">2) The Aussies succeeded under John Buchanan, who doesn’t have a great cricketing record to boast of. That supports my point. An Engineering degree from a top Indian grad school supplemented with experience in the Strategy Consulting industry makes me the ideal choice for coach. After all, the coach must be a great tactician and strategist.


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">3) I have led my school team of amateur cricketers to successful ‘third round exits’ in the inter-school competitions. If that is possible, I can do better with a bunch of semi-talented cricketers.


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">4) A Kiwi coach in John Wright transformed India into a world-beating unit when they were reeling on the brinks of mediocrity and we, as a nation, are greatly indebted to him. It is high time that we returned the favour by contributing to the transformation of an ailing NZ national side into a world beating unit.



[b]WHAT I PROPOSE? [/b]


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">1) As a firm believer in numbers (owing to a background in Math/Engineering), I will let numbers do the talking. Under my dictatorial regime, the under achievers, who are responsible for the predicament NZ cricket is in, will be guillotined (or decimated, according to JRod) and batsmen with a good domestic record (in terms of numbers) will be roped into the national side for better results. I will use the services of David Barry and employ him as a full-time data analyst.


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">2) I will allow all Kiwi players to play in the lucrative Indian Premier League to learn the nuances of T20 cricket, which is unarguably going to be the future of cricket. In the process, I will produce a dozen McCullums who will be ready to take the fight to any opposition in any form of the game in any situation.


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">3) I will welcome the rebels that defected to play in the ICL back into the Kiwi national side with open arms. By doing so, I will get back the services of Shane Bond, my champion fast bowler and Daryl Tuffey (who in any case is better than their current crop of fast bowlers).


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">4) I will rope in Bishen Bedi and Anil Kumble as support staff and help produce champion spinners and strengthen their spin bowling department in the process.


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">5) I will teach them a list of swear words that rhyme with Monkey or Maa-Ki, which could be safely used for sledging without breaching the ICC Code of conduct.


<p style="text-indent: -18pt;">6) I would prepare ready-made effigies of the players in the squad and hire a bunch of people to burn them when they don’t perform to the set expectations. By doing so, I will plant the seed of fear in them that will urge them to achieve higher targets.

Yours Sincerely,

12th Man
Anyone else wanna show the balls that they too can coach New Zealand? mail me @ cwb@cricketwithballs.com.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Kym's Application

The race for New Zealand's top job is heating up, but the black caps are taking it one application at a time. So can you, sportsfreak, me, sportsreview, miriam, miss field, and smitty.

Now we have one from Kym, who is eager to put her name on the flying jandal ticket.

Dear BLACKCAPS,

I was very excited to see that the position of BLACKCAPS coach is becoming available, and I would like to put myself forward for consideration. Although my experience in coaching cricket at the elite level could not be called extensive, I believe I have other skills that make me suitable for the position. And anyway, if we’re honest, I think we all know you’re going to have to lower your sights a bit.

Although I am Australian, my step-father is a New Zealander, and he’s a good bloke. Also, I like Flight of the Conchords, so as you can see I do have a connection with you people. As it stands, the BLACKCAPS are already my third favourite team (just behind Sri Lanka, way behind Australia). This is ideal because, while I like to see the BLACKCAPS win, I’m able to take a dispassionate and analytical view when they don’t, which will be handy when talking to the media and when offering constructive criticism to the players.

It’s very encouraging, and not at all fanciful, to see your aim to be ranked 1 or 2 in the world in all forms of the game. I believe the BLACKCAPS’ international performances can be improved immediately by simple steps such as hiring Troy Cooley and never picking the Marshall twins again. You see how easy it is â€" all you need is vision.

I also have some ideas about how to strengthen NZ’s domestic competition. For example, I would raise the standard immediately by sending South Australia’s REDBACKS across for a season to expose NZ’s players to the next level of cricketing competence. The following year you can swap the REDBACKS for another team, maybe Tasmania’s TIGERS. Or else you can keep the REDBACKS; I don’t feel too strongly one way or the other about that.

Obviously I don’t want to give away too many ideas all at once, but there’s plenty more where that came from.

In summary, I’m prepared to take on the job providing I don’t have to actually live in New Zealand or watch the BLACKCAPS play when there’s a more interesting game going on elsewhere.

Regards,

Kym (name withheld)

You still have till the 4th of August to get your applications in, do you want to join the flying jandal ticket? cwb@cricketwithballs.com. www.cricketwithballs.com

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How much is it worth?

Australia cannot play in the ICC knockout for cash tournament.

Because if they do, they are hypocrites and mega pricks.

If Pakistan was too violent and Islamic to visit for a test tour, then it is too violent and Islamic to play a one day tournament.

If they do send a team, minus Roy, they are saying that this tournament is more important to them than playing Pakistan is.

Can they say that?

Surely they have to pull out, it’s a one day tournament that no one really cares about.

As a cricket fan, the Pakistan tests were far more important, and they opted out, against my wishes.

So this is a not even a question of what they should do?

Will they though?

The Pakistan tours don’t generate much attention here, or outside of Pakistan, the ICC cup thing does.

There is a chance, however unlikely, that Australia will send a team over without certain stars.

Because it’s like if you go painting, you don’t wear your best clothes do you, they might get ruined.

Funnily enough the 4 teams that don’t want to go to Pakistan are South Africa, England, New Zealand and Australia.

Not many of the stars from these teams left India after the bombs went off in the IPL now did they.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Smitty's Application

The applications literally keep coming in. The latest application is from Smitty. His application has a Werribee mention and a shit reference. Top work.

Although not a cricket blogger as such, the interweb is still a rather nice place to pick up on what's happening with all things crickety especially @ CWB.com

So I thought I'd throw my hat into the boxing square for the Nou Zeelund job.

Put simply my cricket expertise can be neatly summationed as the following:

* From 1984 to 1996-ish, was given the Channel Nine Cricket Yearbooks for Christmas, hence I have an astoundingly deep knowledge of how in the name of Glenn Trimble did Stu Gillespie ever play 19 one-dayers, or why Tony Blain was so effing tall for a keeper, that Vaughan Brown ruined Hadlee's 10-for attempt at the Gabba (Sir Richard shoulda just dropped the catch), or why, according to Ian Chappell, Jeremy Coney's name means 'rabbit' in Olde English. Who knew?

* Growing up in Werribee, I had a mate who lived next door to Merv. A hit into the big fella's backyard was not only a six but also a good excuse to maybe catch a glimpse of a hero who was, and is, literally larger than life. Good times.

* Played junior cricket in the Western Suburbs Church League in Melbourne. Also good times. It's not often you see/hear a member of the clergy verbally abuse a young boy (insert your own joke here) and then wish them well after the game.

* Once saw Richie Benaud signing autographs at the SCG, lose his cool and storm off. I'm still not sure what to make of it, Billy Birmingham woulda been proud though.

* Went to every Boxing Day Test from 1988 to 1993 inclusive, thus witnessing John Wright dismissed for 99, which was also the immortal Tony "I lost my outswinger, no, wait, I found it again, no, it's gone" Dodemaide's debut, Bruce Reid's ri-dicu-lous caught and bowled to send Gower on his way minutes after making a typically Gower-esque ton and Warney knocking back a sombereroed Richie Richardson. Better than good times.

So, based on these KPIs, well, you don't have to be Vettori's spectamacles to see where I'm coming from. Or going to.

So, what sort of Kiwi team would I develop?

One that doesn't need brown cordouroy pants every time it gets within sight of a victory ... and clearly I'm not talking about a retro one-day uniform.

Play two keepers, back in the day, Ian Smith and Warren Lees took the field together. Maybe not hand-in-hand but you get the idea. They can sort out who wears the gloves on a paper, rock, scissors basis.

Bring back Murphy Su'a. You can never have enough angry Western Samoans. We might not win matches but by god, we'll win the fights.

Introduce a mandatory 80s Kiwi cricketer moustache rule, they were never better than when Coney, Hadlee, Bruce Edgar, Ewen Chatfield and the rest had some top-lip facial hair. If nothing else, it's harden-up princess time.

Keeping with the stereotypes, can we arrange for Dave Dobbyn, the Finn brothers, Shona Laing and Margaret Urlich to provide pre- and post-match entertainment? If none are available, Max Merritt will suffice.

And for commentary, grab the Kiwi blokes who call the New Zealand Breakers basketball games on Fox Sports. I haven't seen such blatant homerism since Governor Bush called his brother's 2000 Florida election result "fair".

Cheers,
Smitty.

If you think the Black caps could use you, send your application through to cwb@cricketwithballs.com, and i will post it here and your friends can say, wow you were on the balls. www.cricketwithballs.com

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bratich wins matches

Mitchell Johnson has made the correct decision in leaving New Texas, formerly known as Queensland.

The correct reason is Jessica Bratich, Australian national karate champion, seen here in official karate uniform.

The other reason it was correct is because New Texas were an old and dodgy rabble last year.

And if he continues to not take wickets in test cricket he may mind himself playing a bit more state cricket.

Although with her in Perth, he must be tempted not to tour.

This may explain why he didn’t play in the IPL.

Bratich has had one mention on this site before, although not by name, "The real winner is Mitchell Johnson, his girl is extraordinary." from the obo of the Allan Border medal.

Miss Field see this as some sort of victory for Western Australian cricket, the truth is that only Mithcell is the winner here.

Unless a home made video of the couple hits the market, and then we are all heroes.www.cricketwithballs.com

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MIss Field's application

The latest application has come rolling in.

Miss Field has gone for a holistic approach to coaching, like Phil Jackson, only taoer.

Miriam has popped in as Ass Coach, and I'm there as media advisor.

She has also given the blackcaps quite a few reasons to hire her, by ansswetring almost every query they have. Shows selflessness and understands that the ‘game’ is bigger than them - Jesse Ryder, who is the game, certainly is bigger than me. I have no qualms here.
Being a female is a great plus for MF, and taking a quota selection like Miriam in as Ass Coach is good politics.

We now have 5 applications, do you have what it takes to coach New Zealand?www.cricketwithballs.com

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review this

Sri Lanka are turning India into their bitch in this test.

But you know who I blame.

The third umpire.

Three reviews (not referrals), and all of them against India.

The bias against India in world cricket must stop.

It makes sense though, the 2 umpires were always against India, so now there is 3 involved, one as a consultant, and all 3 are now against India.

This madness must stop.

To control the balance, I suggest all matches where Indians are playing should be umpired by the guys who sat directly behind the IPL .

They will restore the balance.

Perhaps, just for the time being, Kumble stops listening to Harbhajan Singh as well.

Bhaji is the most excitable numnut in world cricket now Slater has retired, and you can’t really rely on him for a non emotional response.

He truly believes every ball he bowls should be out, slaps team mates and does army rolls, this is not that man you want to trust with your 3 reviews.

The other player you can’t trust is a wicket keeper who cannot actually grasp the ball 50% of the time.

So when Singh is bowling perhaps the reviews should be left in the hands of Dravid at slip, a finer man you could not find.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Miriam's application to be BLACKCAPS coach

<p align="justify">Dear [b]BLACKCAPS[/b]

I enclose herewith my application to be your coach.

I set out below my suitability for the position in accordance with your specified requirements. I accept that I may not have any experience in the actual field of coaching cricket, but I note that performance of the [b]BLACKCAPS[/b] has not improved under a coach with actual cricket experience.

What the [b]BLACKCAPS[/b] need is an individual who surveys the world of cricket whilst not being actively involved, so who better than a cricket BLOGGER. More importantly, I have ample cricket blogging COMMENTING experience, and what is a coach if not someone who passes comment on other people's efforts.

In response to the main criteria put forward:

[b]1. [b]Coached at an elite level within the last 12 months[/b][/b]

Within the last 12 months I have successfully performed the following at elite level:
taken pictures of cats being indifferent to cricket compared men I've slept with to test nations asked AQA many questions about cricketlearnt how to use google analyticsmade at least two bad jokes about Latinwritten an over-by-over report of the IPL final whilst drinking a bottle of pink cava and eating a bowl of noodles.
<p align="justify">[b]2. A proven track record as a world class coach as demonstrated by results[/b]

I have proven world class ability in the following:
styling my difficult hair and maintaining an expensive, complex hair colour (skills which I intend to share with the team, who are currently sporting some of the worst highlights in world cricket)matching shoes with clothes on a daily basis obsessive attention to grammatical detail campaigning for the retention of the paragraph in cricket blogging.
<p align="justify">[b]3. Outstanding leadership, communication and people management skills[/b]
I have plenty of experience of dominating leading people (particularly those who might be compared with New Zealand).

[b]4. The desire to pursue everything with energy and drive and a need to win[/b]

I am BADASS. I once served proceedings on two individuals on Valentine's day to make sure that they would accept the envelope.

[b]5. The ability to generate, direct and manage the implementation of cutting edge coaching solutions and programmes[/b]
I am accomplished in achieving synergies in blue sky thinking, and running ideas up the flagpole to see who salutes. I will ensure that all team players are singing from the same hymnsheet, and will ask them to hum a few more bars for me in order to conversate with them. I intend to touch base with you from the get-go about how I am a product evangelist with the ability to incentivise, and I am aware that you can't turn a tanker round with a speed boat change. I will implement a holistic cradle-to-grave approach, so as to pluck the low hanging fruit with 360-degree thinking. I will not let the grass grow too long on this one, and will get all my ducks in a row. At the end of the day, the role concerns actioning, stepping up to the plate and facing the music, and I intend to ensure that stakeholders come to the party. I will feed back to them, cascading down the shower of ideas to drill down to a level of granularity. We will be living the values and achieving leverage up the strategic staircase, and taking a high altitude view so as not to wrongside the demographic. I will give 110%.

[b]6. A willingness to be judged on results[/b]
As someone who will in one fell swoop fill whatever diversity requirements you may have to meet as an organisation, I am used to being judged on appearance. Being judged on results makes a welcome change.
<p align="justify">
References on my commenting skills may be obtained from the following, a selection of whom I have interacted with on a daily basis for several months:
Kingcricket (he was my first, gives the right answer to the question "cat or dog" and it still hurts a little to cheat on him here) Suave's Republique (we were introduced by Kingcricket, then had a brief one-night stand where we indulged our forbidden love of hover-captions, but now he's moved on to attacting other ladies through his wing-man FEC Naked Ali Cook) AYALAC (he likes to film it, and some of the stuff he does is barely legal. Likes to use toys and props) Miss Field (I've hardly flirted with female blogs before, but she tempted me where few others had succeeded)Well Pitched (can produce the goods four times a day) David Barry's stats blog (I sullied his place with makeup the first time I visited)

www.cricketwithballs.com

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i don't want your opinion, i want the facts, which are based on your opinions

The rules on reviews are insane, and could only have been invented by cricket administracrats.

3. The process of consultation
3.1. On receipt of an eligible and timely request for a review, the on-field umpire will make the sign of a television with his hands in the normal way.

"That's a TV sign, I thought it was a square, although I should have noticed that the clarity and shape has changed in recent years."

3.2. He will initiate communication with the TV umpire by confirming the decision that has been made and that the player has requested a review.

"Hey num nuts, are you awake, I gave out, which you may not have noticed from the lifting on my index finger above my head".

3.3. The TV umpire must then work alone, independent of outside help or comment, other than when consulting the on-field umpire.

"Independent of all people, except the person who made the first decision. ?"

3.4. A two-way consultation process should begin to investigate whether there is anything that the TV umpire can see or hear which would indicate that the on-field umpire should change his decision.

"Things an umpire may hear, oh fuck I nicked it, Ganguly you cheating mofo, or he was very gentle until he got a set of keys out".

3.5. This consultation should be on points of fact, where possible phrased in a manner leading to yes or no answers. Questions requiring a series of judgements, such as "do you think the ball was going on to hit the wicket?" are to be avoided.

"Does my bum look big in this, bad. From what you can see or hear, under law 3.2, is the bum larger than 37.3 inches, good."

3.6. However, the TV umpire shall not withhold any factual information which may help in the decision making process, even if the information is not directly prompted by the on-field umpire's questions. In particular, in reviewing a dismissal, the TV umpire may notify the on-field umpire of conclusive evidence of other modes of dismissal, beyond that initially reviewed.

"You are correct it did hot outside the line, however it hit the bat outside the line, and then was caught at slip you dim witted fucktard".

3.7. The TV umpire should initially check whether the delivery is fair under Law 24.5 ('fair delivery - the feet') and under Clause 42.4.2(a) ('full toss passing above waist height'), where appropriate advising the on-field umpire accordingly.

"The third umpire is also to become a human Cyclops machine, but he does not have to reproduce the beep noise that annoying machine used to make".

3.8. If despite the available technology, the TV umpire is unable to answer with certainty or with reasonable confidence a particular question posed by the on-field umpire, then he should report that the replays are 'inconclusive'. The TV umpire should not give answers conveying likelihoods or probabilities.

"Reasonable Confidence, use it in a sentence please, I am reasonably confident that the benefit of the doubt should be applied in this review process."

3.9. The on-field umpire must then make his decision based on those factual questions that were answered by the TV umpire, any other factual information offered by the TV umpire and his recollection and opinion of the original incident.

"Should I overrule my original decision and look like a fool, or not overrule it and look like a pompous ass clown".

3.10. The on-field umpire will reverse his decision if the nature of the supplementary information received from the TV umpire when combined with his own recollection and opinion makes it appropriate for him to do so. He must be satisfied with any decision that he makes, since the responsibility for the decision remains with him.

"We all want to be satisfied."

What percentage of decisions ill be upheld during the review process?

I'm guessing, 18%.

Bout you?www.cricketwithballs.com

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Twenty20 Finals Day Preview

The bookies can hardly separate the four sides and there appears to be no more than a hare's breath between them...Lef previews Twenty20 finals day.

Essex, Middlesex, Kent and Durham will make up the Finals' Day in 2008 and it's already looking like a much stronger line-up than 2007 when an off-key Lancashire, Kent with Malinga/Walker instead of Kemp/Mahmood and Gloucestershire and Sussex, who could only muster 3 wins out of 20 between them in the 2008 group stages, made up the final four.

Essex
Much has been made of "fortress Chelmsford" but Essex have been a pretty dominant one-day side over the past five years - wherever they play. Napier, Masters and the improving Chambers and Ten Doeschaete make for a functional and effective one-day bowling unit and they even have an "X-Factor" in Danish Kaneria who could really mess with a Kent side who struggle to play spin. It has been Essex's batting that has made the headlines and with Pettini, Napier, Bopara and Ten Doeschate, they have the players to put anybody to the sword. Will Napier and Co. be found out away from Chelmsford or will their momentum see them roll on to victory?

Middlesex
If it weren't for an 8-over-slog against Kent and a 6 run defeat against Hampshire, Middlesex would have a 100% record in this year's Twenty20. It's because they have a perfectly suited bowling attack with the leading wicket-taker in World Twenty20, Tyron Henderson, highly effective spin options with Kartik and Udal, and very reliable and consistent options in Murtagh, Finn and Nannes. Middlesex's batting has also more than pulled it's weight and with Owais Shah, Dawid Malan, Ed Joyce, Eoin Morgan and Billy Godleman they certainly have the players to put on big runs. Middlesex have been pretty poor in all the previous Twenty20s so there must be an element of doubt about whether they have completely turned it around or whether Saturday is the day they finally run out of steam.

Kent
The reigning champions have had a stuttering campaign but are undoubtedly a stronger side than the side that took the title in 2007. With batting down to eleven (although no.11 is very rarely needed), Kent are a side with matchwinners throughout the side. Whether's it's a fifty from Key or Denly at the top of the innings, a sparkling cameo from Kemp or Mahmood, some strangling mid-innings bowling from Stevens and Tredwell or some potent swing bowling from Yasir Arafat, Kent can never be counted out. Question marks remain over their ability to post scores over 180 and any side that can post this score against Kent will feel quietly confident, on the other hand, any side who allows Kent to post 180+ will feel very concerned.

Durham
If titles were awarded on paper then Durham would have swept the board this season. You will find more International players residing at Chester-le-Street than anywhere else in the country and Durham have a lethal combination of power-hitters, proper cricketers, all-rounders, fighters and lethal quick bowlers to unsettle any side in the world - county or International. Durham have been installed as the bookies favourites but we must remember that the same happened in the Friends Provident trophy before they were upsurped by Kent, there has also been another fault in Durham's line-up that has flown under the radar in that they are a slightly immobile fielding unit. Durham will need to use their braun, guile and experience to bully their opponents at Twenty20 Finals' Day.

Lef's tip - I tipped Durham for the FPT and I still tip them for the County Championship but at Twenty20 Finals' Day, I can see Kent prevailing in an eventual 'Champions League' match against Middlesex. Kent have so many match-winners in their line-up and have priceless experience from their win last season.

Lef's 2nd tip - Don't bet any money on this, it's too close to call!

Future PM gets advice from the self proclaimed legend

David Hussey plays spin like an angry seal clubber.

He made his name by making a double tonne against Lord Stuey on the last day of a shield match where victoria chased down over 400.

How did he learn to play spinners.

Dean Jones.

How do I know this, I heard an interview with the Future Pm on the wireless.

What else did I learn?

Hussey has a coffee club with Lord Mash, where they discuss how to solve the worlds problems when they go out early in the day.

It wasn't mentioned if Lord Mash sits their on his own when Huss is busy batting.

He has a ranking system for people. I can’t really remember it, but its like top bloke, good bloke, shit bloke type thing.

Trams bother him.

Also his lady friend is a marine biologist, just like George Costanza.

What was Deano’s advice to FPM about how to play spin.

If you are facing an off spinner, walk down the pitch and put him over his head for six.

If you are facing a leg spinner walk down the pitch and hit him over extra cover for six.

There is something special about Victorian cricket advice, sounds very much like Rodney Hogg’s advice to fast bowlers.

Bowl at their heads, they can’t drive you then.www.cricketwithballs.com

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it started with a kiss

45.4 Harbhajan Singh to Warnapura, no run, Now then now then after 45 overs we got a referral upstairs for a lbw shout that was turned down. It was on the leg and middle, straightened a touch, beat the prod and hit the pad. Appeal but turned down. Kumble asks for the review It looked like it was going down leg. Benson says NOT OUT. Kumble and Ganguly have a smile. It didn't turn enough. India have only two more unsuccessful reviews to make.

This was the first ever review.

Not referral, review.

Players better get used to this answer.

The big question is how it will effect the appeal process.

If a player appeals for an LBW, and it is turned down, and he doesn't review it, is he saying he doesn't really believe it was out?

It doesn't really look that good does it, he either thinks it's out, and worth reviewing, or he is appealing and he doesn't believe it is a wicket.

Which wouldn't be very gentlemanly, would it?www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Future PM gets advice from the sself proclaimed legend

David Hussey plays spin like an angry seal clubber.

He made his name by making a double tonne against Lord Stuey on the last day of a shield match where victoria chased down over 400.

How did he learn to play spinners.

Dean Jones.

How do I know this, I heard an interview with the Future Pm on the wireless.

What else did I learn?

Hussey has a coffee club with Lord Mash, where they discuss how to solve the worlds problems when they go out early in the day.

It wasn't mentioned if Lord Mash sits their on his own when Huss is busy batting.

He has a ranking system for people. I can’t really remember it, but its like top bloke, good bloke, shit bloke type thing.

Trams bother him.

Also his lady friend is a marine biologist, just like George Costanza.

What was Deano’s advice to FPM about how to play spin.

If you are facing an off spinner, walk down the pitch and put him over his head for six.

If you are facing a leg spinner walk down the pitch and hit him over extra cover for six.

There is something special about Victorian cricket advice, sounds very much like Rodney Hogg’s advice to fast bowlers.

Bowl at their heads, they can’t drive you then.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

roots manuva wins the day, again

With his decimation of kiddies on a school sports day in witness a distant memory, Roots Manuva takes up cricket.

It's not as good as the clip for witness, but it goes alright.

I shamelessly stole this from Will's Corridor.

Not his actual corridor, why would he leave it there.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Sport Review's Application

The third application for the black caps coaching job is upon us.

Sports review have done theirs, and I am the New Tony Grieg in their plan, so it's bound to fail.

And not just cause I think its the most Kiwiesque one.

It involves dobbers, and people imitating the glory years.

Also Chris Harris.

That is three blogging inspired applications, which may be more than the actual number of applications they have received.

Anyone care to pen a 4th?www.cricketwithballs.com

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Last week’s poll

According to you, the fans of the balls, Dravid in Nazi Sex Romp (28%), is the most likely headline to come from the IPL next.

Ganguly as a reptilian humanoid (20%) is next behind him, and quite frankly, far more likely.

This week’s poll is all about the India V Sri Lanka test series.www.cricketwithballs.com

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it's about cricket dammit

www.cricketwithballs.com

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finally the rain stopped, but the pain did not

Is there anything more heart breaking than the rain spoiling the first day of a test?

Answer: King Kumar going out.

Also no Mendis yet.

And no Tendulkar, I think he's playing in this match.

Apparently it's monsoon season, but in truth, how could cricket administracrats have known that?www.cricketwithballs.com

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How do you solve a problem like… Stuart Broad?

[b]This wasn’t meant to be a series of articles, but the similarities with the previous subject and the problems facing England are just too great to ignore.[/b]

Stuart Broad, son of former England opener Chris, has been on the England radar for a number of years now, despite his still only being 23. Formerly a promising batsman, he took up bowling late finding immediate success for England U19s and Leicestershire. He ended up on an England A tour at the age of 19 and has been involved in the England set up since, firstly in the One Day team before making his debut in Sri Lanka in the winter.

Broad has generally impressed with his attitude to international cricket. Unlike other young tyros Saj Mahmood and Liam Plunkett, he hasn’t been fazed by the step up in class and even though Yuvraj hit him for 36 off an over in the 2020 world cup, he has learnt from the experience and is and should remain a vital cog in the England One Day team.

His presence in the team is enhanced by his batting. He averages 21 in One Day internationals and has dug England out of a hole on a number of occasions. His unbeaten 45 against India at Manchester was made off 73 balls and won England the game. This proved that he had the mental composure of a genuine batsman rather than a late order hitter.

More recently his prowess with the bat has been shown in the test team. He has hit fifties in the last three test matches and averages above 40 in test match cricket (more than his father). To put that into context with the archetypal number 8 batsman in England’s recent history, Ashley Giles managed 4 fifties during his 54 match career. He clearly has a talent for batting and adds strength to the England batting line up.

So we have a young fast bowler, who is composed at International level and who’s batting looks like it could move him into the realms of being a genuine all-rounder. So where is the problem? Sadly, and hence the comparison with Matt Prior, it is with his strongest suit â€" his bowling. Just as Matt Prior’s wicket-keeping isn’t up to test standard, neither is Stuart Broad’s bowling.

While he certainly continues to show promise, that is all it is at the moment. A test match average of nearly 50 with 19 wickets in his eleven test matches is not the return that is needed from a front line bowler (for example in his 18 test matches, Simon Jones has taken 59 wickets at 28, while Ryan Sidebottom has 73 wickets in 17 matches). In an England team that needs to bowl a strong South African team out twice, England need to be picking their top performing bowlers, regardless of the other strings to their bows. And while Broad hasn’t been helped by the muddled thinking of the England selectors in choosing his colleagues, his bowling does not justify his positioning the team.

Broad’s batting should only come into the selector’s consideration if he is deemed to be an equal bowler to other alternatives, or he is deemed a good enough batsman to bat in the top 6. Currently there are bowlers available to England who are more likely to take wickets. Broad himself is still learning what type of bowler he is and should be allowed to do this outside of the test match arena.

As tempting as it may be, it is time to ignore the obvious all round talent of Stuart Broad, to allow it to develop at county level so that he can come back as a top class allrounder. Otherwise he may become another talent which was crushed before it was allowed to fulfil itself.

Video Killed the Umpiring Star (yeah totally with it title)

Umpires are taking a big step forward in becoming coat racks with the referral system being introduced today.

The ICC has trialled the referral system in county cricket and found it doesn’t work very well without hawk eye, so they are allowing hawk eye in, but not the predictive aspects.

The predictive aspects of hawk eye are what i like to get wanky guestimations based on bullshit.

In the Sydney test, or bastard monkey gate as it is now known, Andrew Symonds was given not out by the third umpire in a decision, that although was not 100% conclusive, could have gone either way.

People still complained.

Third umpire decisions are often the source of people’s malcontent.

Because Videos don’t make decisions, people do, and people see with their eyes, their very human eyes, and human eyes all seem to see things differently.

How many times have you heard two commentators disagree with each other over the potential third umpire decision? Once, twice, thrice?

So while this system may stop some mistakes, it’s not going to please everyone like some cricketing form of Viagra.

People will still say:

Home sides get a better run.

Australia gets all the decisions.

This umpire has always had it in for us.

South African’s always cheat.

Darrel Hair hates dark people (yeah I said that, but it’s still a whinge).

This wouldn’t have happened with umpires who understand the conditions.

And whatever else negative people say to make their side look like the poor unfortunates, rather than the over rated cry babies they most likely are.

On a sad note, the referral system will not be used for all decisions.

The dismissal type, timed out, will not be able to be checked by the third umpire as Hawk Eye does not have a stop watch.www.cricketwithballs.com

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mystery is bullshit

John Gleeson, one of the old time mystery spinners, says this, "You've only got three (deliveries) as far as I'm concerned: one goes straight, one spins from the leg and the other one spins from the off. You can't do anything else."
Tis a beautiful quote.

It's from Nagraj Gollapudi's article on him in cric info.

Not a bad little read for ci, even if it is named after a Sandra Bullock film.www.cricketwithballs.com

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kumble's mystery ball

Anil Kumble has joined the Mendis steam train of love.

Look at this picture, he looks like Mendis who looks like Gleeson.

It's actually uncanny, there is simply nothing canny about it.

There is also some sort of new umpiring system in the news, but it hardly seems as newsworthy as Anil's mystery ball.

I mean look at his finger.

Remarkable.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Mendis to break the record of one of the greats

I am really looking forward to the upcoming test series between Sri Lanka and India.

And not just because I am sick and tired of looking at boring white cricketers.

I just can’t wait to see Ajantha Mendis beat Brian Lara’s record.

Brian Lara never took a wicket, in 131 tests, but I bet you money that Mendis will take at least one.

Then he shall be better than Brian Lara statistically, and in the eyes of the huddled unwashed masses.

Brian Lara was a fine cricketer, but did he ever invent a delivery, or did he ever bowl any mystery balls, no.

One word for that, soft.

Lara’s record is not that hard to get by, Darren Pattinson just did it, but Mendis will smash it, before he gets worked out.

In other news, Sachin Tendulakar is still playing test cricket.

Who knew.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Team England; Consistently Confused

In what can only be described as a bizarre twenty-four hours, Darren Pattinson somehow found himself in the England Test starting XI on Friday of last week. From being consistently stupid to just plain stupid could be one way of describing the situation. Consistency had been the word of the moment whilst England were just about beating New Zealand in two series. Unfortunately consistency had nothing to do with those victories, the limited skill of the opposition played the major role. Whilst players like Paul Collingwood and Tim Ambrose were contributing nothing, they were nevertheless assured of their places and were it not for the return of Andrew Flintoff, Collingwood would undoubtedly still be playing today despite series averages of 32.83 (India (h)), 33.00(Sri Lanka (a)), 40.66 (New Zealand (a)), 10.66 (New Zealand (h)) and 7.00 (South Africa (h)) which is plainly not good enough (cumulative 30.71, HS 66). Michael Vaughan though tells us that the whole squad are disappointed that Collingwood is not in the XI, perhaps because they now fear for their own places given their own dwindling averages. Consistency must be applied, but needs to take into account form.

Nevertheless, the message of consistency indeed vanished for this particular test match, well for the bowlers anyway, but then that always seems to have been the case with the England side of late. Batsmen have all the time in the world, bowlers do not. Darren Pattinson was on Thursday afternoon called up as a replacement for James Anderson should he not be fit for the game. Chris Tremlett, who has been following both the Test and ODI squad around all summer, was already on standby in case Ryan Sidebottom came up short on Friday morning. Friday morning came and Anderson was fit, but Sidebottom was not, in you step… Darren! Utter madness! Whilst the Australian roof tiler, albeit raised for six years in England, has had a good county season with Nottinghamshire so far, he has played just 13 first class games and only 6 of them this season in England. He doesn’t even play his cricket at Headingley, the location of the second test.

I have no problem with the fact that he is a self-confessed Aussie through and through, but the usual pattern is that you are born abroad, move to England, confess your love for the motherland and qualify, rather than move away for two decades, immerse yourself in the culture of another country, then come back for a summer and strike lucky. That may sound harsh, but strike lucky is exactly what Pattinson has done. A quick glance at the first class bowling averages for this season will reveal that Matthew Hoggard (22 at 24.31), Simon Jones (32 at 16.03), Steve Harmison (40 at 23.10) and Jon Lewis (20 at 24.85) are right up there with England’s newest addition who has taken 29 at 20.86. These are proven international and domestic performers who for various reasons were sent back to county cricket to prove their fitness and their form. Not one of those can be accused of not having done that. All of the above, bar Harmison, are swing bowlers. Surely one of them should have been given the chance instead of Pattinson if swing was what England were truly after, rather than shock and awe. Even the likes of Sajid Mahmood, Liam Plunkett, Kabir Ali, and Tim Bresnan must be wondering what the hell is going on.

As for poor old Chris Tremlett, what can you say. If Anderson had been injured Pattinson would have played, if Sidebottom had been injured (which he was) Pattinson would have played. They were the two injury doubts from the end of the first test, so what was the point in dragging Tremlett around the country if he was never going to get a look in? I know that Moores as a Sussex man doesn’t like Hampshire but come on, the guy is missing out on form boosting cricket and is being consistently dealt mental setbacks! To make matters worse it was Morne Morkel, exactly the Tremlett type of bowler, who did best in this test match.

The batting woes were the most apparent problem however. Michael Vaughan has averaged 29.52 since the tour to Sri Lanka. His series averages are 35.83 (Sri Lanka (a)), 20.50 (New Zealand (a)), 50.00 (New Zealand (h)) and 11.00 (South Africa (h)). He is forever searching for form it seems and for every good series he has had recently he seems to have had two bad, which can not be sustained forever. His captaincy may be a major positive of his presence, but he needs to score the runs consistently as well. Alistair Cook seems to have forgotten what a hundred is meanwhile. The last four times that he has passed fifty he has been out before reaching 61. Given that he offered very little against the Australians last time round, England must be getting twitchy about how he will fair against them come this time next year. The current top three looks very samey and pretty weak. Tim Ambrose meanwhile is surely on the brink. It is quite comical to think that if you are out of form you should be stuck higher up the order, in a more pressurised position, against a newer ball. He has averaged just 18.78 in 9 test innings since making his maiden test hundred in his second test in New Zealand. His career average is 27.16 and falling after eleven test innings. Even worse, in ODI’s he has averaged 2.50 in five innings and one of those was a not out! Add in the fumbles and is this really the man to take England forward? You would have to say that England in attempting to find a balance between batting ability and keeping ability have found neither and indeed now have the worst of both worlds.

England’s problems are back to the fore it would seem and they need to act fast. If they are going to persist with a five man attack then quite simply Matt Prior has to play at number six. Otherwise the team looks unbalanced and bottom heavy. Only by playing four bowlers can England afford to play the best wicket keeper at number eight, which means either of Chris Read or James Foster. However, given Read’s little trip to the ICL over the close season I doubt India would welcome his inclusion come this winter’s tour. Foster seems to tick more of the boxes in terms of what England are looking for in their keeper, a batsman who can bat low down the order in limited overs cricket and a glove man who can snaffle all of the chances which come his way in test matches and who can offer a score with the bat. Prior on the other hand is not going to take all of those catches, but he will offer the chance to play five bowlers without embarrassment. What England need to decide is if they want less chances, but more takes, or more chances and less takes, I’m glad I don’t have to make that call.

Let’s end on a positive note however and the continued improvement of James Anderson in test match cricket. It will be Stuart Broad and Ryan Sidebottom who will be jittery about the next England team selection, with support growing for Jones and Harmison, but given recent events anything could happen.

rodney hearts geoff

I heard Rodney Hogg on the radio today talking about his good mate Geoff Miller.

Rodney loves saying my good mate.

Hogg, who shared phone correspondence with this Geoff, was talking about how Geoff is being run out of town.

Apparently there are some selectorial decisions that Geoff has made that have angered the pitch fork carrying English supporters.

Rodney, ex Victorian selector and part time bowling coach, said Pattinson is the kind of guy that gets better with each game.

So Geoff selected him as a 29 year old project player.

What is wrong with that?

He has only played 12 first class games, the first 5 for Victoria were ordinary, the next 6 for Notts, were better, so they next 7 for England should be fantastic.

Geoff Miller, you are very popular in Victoria at the moment, perhaps you should look at emigrating.

Hogg also said when he was on the selection committee he used to try spell Pattinson’s name as Patterson, which may explain why he only played 5 games.

No wonder Ian Botham always pronounced it so carefully.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Some sort of summary of the last test

England lost.

Badly.

10 wickets badly.

They appear to have lost the ability to take 20 wickets a test.

Their second best batsman is a male model employed as a bowler.

Tim Ambrose looks to be warming up Prior’s spot, and the South Africans agree.

Pattinson will be dropped, even though he took as many wickets as Broad and Flintoff combined from 40 less overs.

South Africa’s pace attack may not be scary, but when you can’t get the opposition out they are more than enough.

Ashwell Prince, he of the mittens, cannot be defeated.

Hashim Amla is a puppet.

AB and MPV don’t like cameras.

Aggers gets angry when Australians are picked for England.

Darren Pattinson is now less mysterious than the discolouration on your forearm.

Finally Dale Steyn hit someone, and it was grand.

England are 0-1

A bunch of recently exiled English cricketers are clawing at the door.

Pattinson's kids can go to their theme park now, as much as they'd like.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Sportsfreak's Application

New Zealand is looking for a new coach, Sportsfreak is applying.

So the job application is out. And the criteria has been set: - “We need a coach who will build on the current solid foundation and take it to the next level."
Given what has occurred over the last 5 years; only one test series win against recognised opposition, and that being against Sri Lanka at home in April, we think we can do that.

So Dr. Vaughan here are the reasons that you must appoint Sportsfreak as the next national coach of New Zealand

I’m keen to do it.
Common thinking is that this job should go to John Wright. There are good reasons for this; his record in England a millennium ago, and his record with India bak in 2001 support this.

But apparently he’s enjoying his time on the lifestyle plot in Canterbury seems to appeal, and he’s hardly rushing at this.

So what kind of signal does that send to the players? Too reluctant; bad signal. And with a group of players who are becoming increasingly renowned for being reluctant, that is just the wrong signal.

I would pick specialist players in specialist positions.
This should not really require clarification, but lets just say you can’t have the best wicket-keeper in the world batting like a 20/20 player in a test at #5, then moving to #3 and fielding on the boundary.

And openers should be openers.

I would pick players in the same position that they play for their province.
James Marshall bats at number 5 for ND, yet is picked as a grossly out of form and out of depth Number 3 in the series against England.

And then there is the opener issue…

If a player, especially a bowler, is slightly injured they will not play.
Simple.

How many times have we gone into a test match with a bowler under an injury cloud and had to cover for him when he’s broken down (Bond, Oram, Cairns etc..) or tried valiantly but obviously not there (Martin)?

I will keep all the High Performance Managers etc well away from Tim Southee.
Think back to Southee’s debut in Napier. The camera pans to the poor teenager on the boundary, and there’s the bearded and over-weight (the first being the bigger crime) Gary Hermanson.

Why?

An entourage of middle-aged men dressed in black-cap shorts and shirts simply look ridiculous. There’s an ex-player famous for drinking OJ, praying, and running out team-mates, and he’s being allowed to play with the mind of our biggest teenage talent since C Cairns came along.

And then there’s Dayle Hadlee. Meddling, interfering, fidgeting, mollycoddling our young players. This will stop when I take charge.

The 3rd day rule
After the 3rd day of every test the team will sit down in front of the video and watch highlights of 4th day train crashes from years gone by.

On so many occasions, NZ had had their nose in front after 3 days, only to lose the test; sometimes by an innings. It might be a stamina thing; probably mental rather than physical. All those ODIs perhaps?

This will be the biggest challenge. But an end of day 3 rark up is clearly going to be targeted motivation.

I will speak English in press conferences.
This will probably disappoint some in the media as the sound bites will run dry. But, strangely, I think it’s quite import that the fans, and players, can understand what is actually going on.

I will not trash talk the opposition.
Especially Australia. What did that outburst at Gilchrist achieve exactly?

When you’re dealing with the best trash-talkers around, just tread carefully.

Not winding everyone up
If we do not have the upper hand during a test, I will not state otherwise.

End of Day 3, and NZ are still in deficit while being 5 wickets down in the second dig, I will not say “We are in a commanding position”. Because, plainly, that’s rubbish.

The days of that kind of talk ended when the US tanks rolled into Baghdad. Obviously I will not run the Italian flag up the pole, but I will not be just out-and-out stupid.

The Australian Assistant Coach
Jrod will be assistant coach. You will note he is an Australian. There is clearly the thinking here that an average Aussie coach is somehow superior to an average coach from anywhere else.

He can concentrate on areas like how to claim dodgy catches, sledging, and how not to walk. And winning.

Player assessments
I will do them on my own thanks. They will be not be conducted by other players who tend to be mates.

Baseball mitts
They re banned from training sessions. If I wanted baseball mitts at training sessions I’d be coaching a team that used baseball mitts when playing. They are still illegal in cricket.

Optional trainings
They’re banned too.

Visualisation
Yup, they will be banned too. Hendrix never practiced using a tennis racket.

So, Dr. Vaughan, there is my plan. Please let me know if you have any queries.

Regards, Sportsfreak

Photo attached

Braces is out, but is Sportsfreak in. Will the Kiwis appoint him, or do they have other ideas, tomorrow, read my application. www.cricketwithballs.com

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Conditions remain dominant

Results so far in the England vs South Africa Test series have largely been decided by conditions. With two slow pitches, where only early moisture and cloud cover have given bowlers hope, the timing of each teams' innings have proved crucial.

In the first Test Graeme Smith won the toss, but was fooled by the wet weather leading up to the match into putting England into bat. He suffered the indignity of watching England exploit a flat batting track to score 593 at a decent lick (3.79 runs per over). To add to South Africa's woes the clouds rolled over Lord's giving England's bowlers a chance to enjoy by far the best bowling conditions of the match. The pitch also offered some turn and was at its fastest, allowing Panesar to show his quality. South Africa were bundled out for just 247.

However, those who expected England to stroll to victory should have remembered the previous 5 Tests at Lord's, all of which ended in draws. As in those matches the pitch flattened out and offered nothing to the bowlers for the last two days. South Africa needed no second bidding to bat, bat and bat. Pretty it wasn't, but highly effective, leaving England's bowlers sore and resulting in the deadest of draws.

Of course, the Match could have been different, as Tests always contain pivotal moments. England were on 117 for 3 when Pietersen and Bell came together at the crease. Just one more wicket might have seen a far lower score for the home team. Likewise, Panesar was cruelly denied the wicket of McKenzie relatively early on in South Africa's second innings by a mistake from Harper. How crucial would such a blow have been, breaking what proved to be a huge opening stand? In the end England, under Vaughan's leadership, threw everything at South Africa, but could not get the required breakthroughs. In the end a draw was agreed with South Africa on 393 for 3.

And so the series moved onto Headingly and heavy cloud cover on the first day. Again Smith won a crucial toss and again he put England in. This time ideal bowling conditions prevailed all day and the South African bowlers fully utilised them. England were loose in some of their shots, but the ball swung all day and the home team crumbled to 203 all out. Certainly this was below par, regardless of the conditions, but it was never easy to bat and England could be forgiven a poor score under the circumstances.

Hope remained for England as the cloud cover stayed until the close of play. In that time England managed to claim three wickets. They should have had four, but Amla was the beneficiary of more poor umpiring. Having walked after being caught by Vaughan he was three-quarters of the way to the boundary when his coach and captain sent him back, believing that Vaughan may not have taken the catch cleanly. Despite the referral system not having been adopted so far the umpires referred the decision the third umpire, who could not be certain. Amla was reprieved and England failed to take any more wickets that evening.

The next day started sunny and stayed sunny and runs were there for the taking. Prince and de Villiers duly obliged, racking up big hundreds and putting South Africa into a great position. By the time they were all out South Africa had amassed a huge 522, a lead of 319.

England wobbled in the tricky evening session, losing Strauss and Vaughan, but fought hard the next day, as the sun continued to shine. Despite expectations they acored 327 and made South Africa bat again, albeit only needing 9 to win.

Again the match was not decided just by overhead and pitch conditions - no Test ever is - but conditions were the major factor in determining the result. South Africa used the cloud cover brilliantly when they bowled and fully exploited the flat pitch when they batted. They were the better team over the four days, but England were the better team at Lord's and only got a draw. Such is Test cricket. Yet, those who think that there is a gulf between the two teams should consider how much conditions and key moments played in the two results so far. They should also have a close look at the averages for each team, which reveal a batsman dominated series, with only Morkel and Sidebottom having bowling averages below 35.00.

But for one crucial innings the pace battery of South Africa has been blunted and England have only managed one coherent team bowling effort, though they have plugged away gamely, giving few runs away. It is, perhaps, this excellent economy rate, which England should gain some hope from. So far South Africa have intelligently applied themselves on wickets offering little to bowlers - scoring slowly, but heavily. Such old school Test batting is fine when there is no threat of wickets. However, such tactics cannot be applied when the ball dominates the bat, as a team will die in the hole.

England must hope, therefore, for pitches at Edgbaston and the Oval which offer a bit more assistance to bowlers. They should also hope that Vaughan wins the toss and is able to exploit any favourable conditions. With just a modicum of luck it could be England holding a 1-0 advantage or, at worst, the series could be tied 1-1.

If England go on to lose this series, perhaps they will reflect on how ill-served they have been by some of the pitches. It would be wise to learn these lessons quickly before the Australians come onto the horizon.