Daniel Vettori’s fantastical magical tour

New Zealand have flown to Bangladesh.

They are going to play cricket there, try and contain your excitement.

Daniel Vettori hasn’t arrived in Bangladesh though.

He has arrived at some wonderfully magic place full of fairy floss, golden nipples and test match standard cricketers.

A place so special and exciting money does grow on trees, you can buy bottled monkeys, prostitutes give you the first visit for free and Swedish models lick your toes everyday, and twice on Thursdays.

This is what Daniel ‘I’ve lost his frame of reference’ Vettori has said about his special place.

“I think most countries who come to Bangladesh know they are in for a difficult time.”

He is right, the commute from Dhaka international to the Dhaka Hilton is arduous, and who can be bothered with that after a long flight on Ansett.

“Their record may not be great but they have [Mashrafe], Mortaza, Shahadat [Hossain] and Abdur Razzak and it is a nice bowling line-up in their own conditions.”

He means ‘nice’ in the, ‘what does she look like, she is a very nice person’, sort of way.

“They are going to be a formidable opposition for us”

Have checked the thesaurus and formidable can also mean horrible.

“We expect to win the series but we also know that it is going to be a tough challenge.”

A tough challenge, like opening the second pack of peanuts when your hands are slippery from the first pack.

“If we are not on top of our game then they can upset us. That's the thing we are trying to avoid here.”

The phrase ‘top of our game’ is interesting.

“Bangladesh know their conditions better than anyone and it is up to us to make sure that we are on the same level as them.”

They know their conditions better than anyone else, those cunning buggers.

Daniel, you enjoy your tour of wonderment, balloons, and magical gratification, while the rest of the team tours Bangladesh.www.cricketwithballs.com... Aussie Haiku straight to your box