Sunday, November 30, 2008

Isaac Asimov invents new bat

Bat manufacturers get bored.

There are so many rules involved, and basically all bats look the same.

So some dude over at Gray-Nicolls has seen Roy’s new reserve sweep off the back of the bat, and thought, that would be easier without the point bit on the back.

And fuck me with a feather, he took it off.

A 2020 speciality bat that you can use either side of.

I think it is called the t20 gray-nicholls, and it is not legal yet.

It looks like a big paddle, and may have a good market in initiation ceremonies as well.

The first problem they will have, if they get it legal, is the fact that batsman may not trust it for the conventional big hits.

Channel 9 did a special on it.

They got Mark Taylor to use it, being the 2020 specialist in the box.

He said it felt a little tinny when playing a normal shot, but it seemed to do the reverse things it was designed for quite well.

And just so I can get all the miss spelled google hits this new wand may inspire: tee 20 grey nicholls, twenty20 grey nicols, tt02 gray nickels, and twenty fat gay pickles.

cricketwithballs

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lunch day 4

Oh New Zealand.

Did they even try?

Redmond slashes it to point, Ryder pushes one to cover, and Taylor pops one back to Lee.

How was the only one who was really done with a cracker.

And the catch, oh the catch, at full stretch and then some Ponting gets horizontal and the arm hairs billowing as he holds it in the fingers.

Later on Flynn was done by a Johnson quick reversed one, he doesn’t like them quick.

But it was Lee’s session, he bowled great, even if a few wickets were given to him.

Haddin was in the news again.

Slater talked about how well he has been keeping since he got back to Australia, completely ignoring his drop in Brisbane.

Now he has a better drop to show for himself.

It was spectacularly shithouse.

In the end he was mid air to one he didn’t have to jump to, and looked as if he was slapping it to the ground.

The ball went quick, but there is no doubt he lost the plot.

His 160 was fucking nice, but if he can’t catch, he is not of much use to Australia, later in the session he missed a couple from Hauritz as well.

Recently Chris Hartley from Queensland was saying Australia might need to go back to a proper keeper since the bowlers aren’t as good, and less chances will be coming.

I thought he just wanted his name to be mentioned, but with Haddin regularly missing chances, he may have a point, and only Hartley and Crosthwaite can really keep, but neither can bat at 7 in this test team.

That is still a better problem to have than having your whole top order give their wicket away like a trailer trash virgin.

This is a sad session for the kiwis, losing 5 wickets is shit, but losing 5 top order wickets is much much shit.

Their team doesn't look that bad, so maybe this is the John Bracewell memorial batting effort.

cricketwithballs

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New Zealand's greatest ever spinner

Bowling average of 15 in test cricket.

cricketwithballs

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some questions from the outer

Of recent times there has been alot of questions coming to me via my google hits.

I thought i'd answer a few.

does brett lee smoke?

Only crack.

is Dan Vettori gay?

I doubt it, but he has probably dabbled.

morne morkel looking for love

He'll find it on boxing day.

why ricky ponting is an idiot

I don't have enough time for this.

who did brett lee's wife have an affair with

Beaker, Kermit filmed it.

where is andre nel?

Behind you.

batting balls at zombies

Not sure what this means, but it says zombies.

does mitchell johnson have a tongue ring?

Yes, it helps with fellatio, ask Andrew Hilditch.

he likes to be the caveat emptor in sex

Don't we all.

how to middle every ball in cricket?

Face Aaron Redmond.

is david hussey gay

No, jeez, he is just neat.

is shane watson gay

No, as if he would be that interesting.

james sutherland molestation

By Lalit Modi perhaps...

jacque kallis man or woman

Hermaphrodite.

cricketwithballs

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Has Dan fooled us?

We all assumed Daniel Vettori was a smart man.

He has glasses.

His beard looks very English professor like.

He is known as the thinking woman's crumpet.

Looked like a famous literary character.

Bowls spin.

And generally makes sense when he talks.

This test he has really tested that assumption.

He is clearly injured, and fielding at mid off/on.

You might say, so what.

Well have you ever been to the radelaide oval, its like a million metres long.

In general you shouldn’t put bowlers at mid on or off if they are required for big spells.

But this is special circumstances.

He is injured, he is captain, and he bowled twice as many overs as any other player.

That is dumb cricket.

A day and a half of dumb cricket.

cricketwithballs

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Braddin rocks Radelaide, but lets not jump on the wagon just yet

Brad Haddin just made the innings all his supporters have been waiting for.

It was a top knock.

Especially to watch, the brutalised the Kiwis.

Australia weren’t in alot of trouble before he made it, but they wouldn’t have finished many in front of New Zealand without him.

But let us not get the hand cuffs, whipped cream or video camera out just yet.

This was on a flat batting pitch.

Against the 8th ranked team in world cricket.

With an attack not suited to the conditions.

An injured strike spinner.

And a simple chance being put down.

So its good, and impressive, but it still needs to be seen in perspective.

This was the break out innings, but only last test he dropped a catch he shouldn’t have been going for.

The good news about this innings is that he batted NSWales style.

The Haddin before this was not the NSWales one, this one was.

He took on the bowlers.

He backed himself.

And he changed the game.

Without him, New Zealand still had a hope.

With him, New Zealand looked like a battered house wife/husband/same sex partner/blow up doll.

If he keeps batting like this, he will make more than one eye catching test century, and Luke Ronchi and Tim Paine will have to wait a lot longer.

Haddin’s real test though is against South Africa, what this has done, is bought him lots of time.

And if you are going to make a test century, you might has well make it one people will remember.

Twas a rollicking good time innings, maybe not so much for the kiwis.

cricketwithballs

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Saturday, November 29, 2008

Who is not going to India?

Sky just reported that the sunday telegraph reported that Harmy and Freddie may not be making the trip back to India.

Is anybody surprised that Harmy is the first player mentioned as a possible non tourist.

This giving the players a chance to choose whether they go back is very nice and cuddly, but it does open up a fresh can of crap.

If half the players want to go, and half don't, can England still send a team over, knowing their best players are not playing?

Should players decide individually, and not as a team?

Is Harmy really part gerbil?

cricketwithballs

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lunch day 3

What happened to New Zealand?

Hussey couldn’t finish his Prince Brendan accredited perfect innings.

Roy probably missed one, and gave Doctrove the stare he usually only uses for his fans.

New Zealand were up and away at this point.

The Brad Haddin came in, and did what he has not done once in test cricket.

He changed the game.

For the better.

It was classic NSWales Haddin.

Drives, cuts, pulls and dancing off the spinners.

Even though I am not a big fan, it was good to see him finally play like he does.

He took all the momentum from the Kiwis, and slapped it back to Australia.

Michael Clarke remained not out, but his main role seemed to be to make sure Haddin didn’t give his wicket away.

The kiwis, who looked so great for 20 minutes, then turned to vinegar.

They were ordinary, and defensive.

Vettori bowled around the wicket, while Australia still scored over 100 runs for the session.

The medium pacers all lost their way.

And Redmond tried to continue his great test match, by taking wickets.

His first over made Cameron White look like Anil Kumble.

One more session like this and its take your draws off time.

cricketwithballs

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Australia sit on Dan Vettori, and ride their way to victory

New Zealand took the punt with one spinner, but when they made that decision, they figured that Australia would come at Vettori.

Like a hot bespectacled brunette in a pencil skirt.

Instead Australia played it cool, flirted a little, and Vettori was muffled by their muscular thighs.

These things happen.

Vettori plugged away all day, doing more than a third of the work, and all he had to show for it was Simon Katich.

Not one you can really tell your mates about.

Iain O’Brien on the other hand spent all day in the corner of the bar, talking about star trek and perfect jeans, before he accidentally bumped into a girl, who liked it rough, and they both exchanged unpleasantries and some quick hand relief.

O”Brien will definitely tell his friends about Ponting.

But that was it for the Kiwis.

In Adelaide they like a bit of brown sugar, but Jeetan Patel was brought all the way over because he is the designated driver, and he was too busy getting drinks for others.

Not good news for New Zealand.

They tried.

But the day was predictable, and very dull.


cricketwithballs

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Has Iain been shut down?

Iain O'Brien's blog has not been updated.

The day after he gets ponting, and then sends him off.

Old hairy arms was less than pleased.

The goblin mouthed off once, twice, three times a lady, as Iain had a smile that could light up a bus load of Emos.

The collective term which is emites i suppose.

So where is the post about it?

We want the grit baby.

What did Iain say to get the Goblin so pissed off?

We need answers dammit, so if you are the pencil necked dick wad in charge of editing what Iain thinks, for fucks sake don't edit this out.

cricketwithballs

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Friday, November 28, 2008

2nd test lunch 2nd day

New Zealand decided to declare their innings.

Infact they decided last night when McCullum and Vettori batted out the day like soft cocks.

McCullum and Redmond have changed personalties for this test.

Redmond batted really well before making a 80 odd, and McCullum stood in front of the stumps for a while before going out.

The tail gave up all home and Australia were out their quick smart.

Hayden and katich seemed to have New Zealand by the short and curlies, before Hayden yelled wait and ran, Katich yelled wait and never moved, and Hayden was run out.

There was a run there, but Katich couldn't leave his ground until way to late to make his ground.

Hayden didn't seem notice this, and it cost him his wicket.

Katich didn't stay out too long, Vettori got want to cough up some smoke and take an edge to Jesse under the grill.

The session was pretty evenly balanced, but, Australia only have to get one real partnership and 270 will be easily over hauled.

Lee finished off the tail pretty easily, and Vettori already looks like enough of a threat, that leaving out Patel may have been a mistake.

cricketwithballs

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one out of six aint bad

There is only one batsman in the New Zealand top six who is not test level.

And he top scored yesterday.

How has a lot of talent, usually a good temperament, and a defensive technique you could build a hospital on.

Ryder has a great eye, uncomplicated footwork, an dthe potential to be a top test batsman/drunkard.

Taylor is their best batsman talent wise, and could be a future superstar if he plays straight.

Peter Fulton is no superstar, but there is no reason he couldn’t set himself up in the Paul Collingwood or Michael Hussey mode, cutting out all the risks, and average at least 40 at test level.

And little Daniel Flynn with all that toughness, and not a lot of shots can be a bastard to get out.

The one who isn’t good enough is Redmund, but on the flat pitch, he made the most out of what he had.

He defended when he had to, he attacked when he could, and eventually he just went beyond his skill level.

So what about the others?

How chased a wide one, Ryder had a loss of concentration, and Fulton never looked like his mind was right.

Flynn and Taylor were worked over by clever bowlers.

There is a top 6 there, but you need 500 in the first innings a Radelaide, unless you are England, and unless something magical happens, they are going to come up short.

cricketwithballs

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Aaron falls out of tree even after he gets the knickers off

Poor ol’ Aaron Redmund.

He was like a young boy who had climbed too far up a tree.

Once he was up there, he had no idea what to do.

So instead of slowly retracing his steps, and working his way down, he sat there for ages, and then jumped.

He assumed from that distance he could make it.

He was wrong.

The dude broke his leg.

All this is more horrible because of who the bowler was.

Redmond looks out of his depth in test cricket.

He can’t rotate the strike, so he stays ons strike, and lets bowlers work over his flabby technique.

But at Radelaide, even the dodgiest batsman can look good, and make runs.

And a test hundred is a test hundred, especially against Australia.

You could see Redmund’s pain after he went down, he was in the upchuck position for a few seconds.

There is a chance he will never make a test hundred now, and being caught on the short boundary off a club spinner, is seriously fucked up.

We all know what it feels like to get the hot easy one to the back of your car, start the eager groping, get the knickers off, touch all the naughty bits, only to then do something that turns that person off so much you end up in the upchuck position, alone, miserable, and wondering how it all went wrong.

Poor bastard.

cricketwithballs

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previously at radelaide

Australia

Australia had a pretty good day.

Anything more than 4 wickets, and less than 300 runs at the Oval is handy.

Clark, Lee and Johnson all tried hard, and had spells where they were looking very dangerous.

Hauritz was amazingly lucky twice, but once very unlucky.

Two quick wickets tomorrow and they are all over this match.

New Zealand

They completely dropped the ball today.

How, Redmund, Ryder, Fulton all went out to poor shots.

They gave Australia a stiffy on a flat pitch.

Not good enough.

Play of the day

Jesse Ryder's little dummy spit on his way off.

He threw the bat up and caught it, and he looked like he got to Macca's 8 minutes after closing time.

Testicular moment of the day

Redmund's innings was ballsy, even if he threw it away, because he was taking on bowlers who he is not built to handle.

And he handled them, he kept the good balls out, scored off the loose ones, and when he had a bowler of a similar skill level he took him down.

You've got to give him that.

Luckiest man on earth

Nathan Hauritz.

Sure he got hit for 17 runs in an over, but how many of us would love the oppurtunity to do the same.

Jesse Ryder moment of the day

HE RAN A FOUR.

True story.

cricketwithballs

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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Kevin Rudd can bite my pimply asshole

The Australian government wants to shield Australians from porn.

This is a blatant attempt to silence my anti christian, anti queensland rhetoric.

Bastards.

If you want to read Moses view on all this, go here.

If you want to sign it so Australians can read my smut filled cricket write ups without having to do weird IT stuff, just sign the petition here.

But the question is, do you want to live in a world where you can't visit Iain O'Brien's blog because he has the word fagot/faggot/faget is on it.

Ofcourse not.


cricketwithballs

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2nd test 1st session

New Zealand own the first session.

They started off batting like the hebrew hammer klinger has been doing there all year.

Then Hauritz came on, and Redmund thought he could get a hundred in a session, or in 3 overs.

Hauritz's first over was like Krejza's, except Krejza bowled to GOD HIMSELF (Sehwag) and Hauritz bowled to Redmund.

One four and two sixes.

It was ouchy for Hauritz, you almost felt sorry for him, until you remembered he didn't deserve to be there, and even getting flogged was a privilege.

How looked a bit flat, and eventually chased a wide one, and Ryder was overshadowed, amazingly by Redmund.

Clark bowled well, and probably deserved a wicket.

Lee was flat, and Johnson looked dangerous at times.

Hauritz didn't get any turn, but got alot of movement in the crowd.

The pitch looks flat as, and the ball hardly moved an inch for the whole session.

If any of this seems inaccurate, put it down to me falling asleep until Redmund woke me up with his brutal butt fucking of Hauritz.

Hauritz also miss fielded a four.

New Zealand will be happy to have won a session with the bat

cricketwithballs

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Fun Radelaide Oval Games

How many times the ground is called beautiful by the commentators.

And

How many times Ian Chappell mentions anyone named Les?


cricketwithballs

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kiwis get all serious

While Australia prepare to play a club spinner, New Zealand are getting serious.

They are moving their keeper to number 7.

Getting rid of a budget mercenary bits and pieces player.

And are preparing to play their Andy Bichel on a turner.

All this sounds positive.

The question might be why did it take this long.

Having Ryder, Taylor and McCullum at 3,4 & 5, is a spectators midnight messy erection, but with Flynn and Fulton there and abouts, it was never going to last.

Fulton sort of looks like he could make it at test level.

And Patel is a pretty good offie from what I have seen, although how often have i seen him?

The kiwis are also taking the whole flexible thing seriously.

Picking two spinners on a turning track is flexible.

Ofcourse it helps if you have spinners.

I still see this as a draw, but this could also be the first time in history a team has gone into a test with their two best batsmen at 7 & 8.

The kiwis love looking outside the box.

Ofcourse if you look inside the box in cricket, your a gay.

cricketwithballs

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Rogers keeps up waca torture

Another one dayer, another match winning performance from Rogers.

Who let him go?


cricketwithballs

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was gavin busy?

The tension is killing me.

Is he in, is he out.

What is Gavin Robertson doing these days?

Will Nathan Hauritz get the luckiest test cap since Shaun Young?

Why won't they name the team dagnabbit.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

everyone out

Why does it take multiple people dying for a one day series to be called off.

Surely there could be a dead rubber/dull as shit clause in 7 series on dayers, to spare us from games that have no meaning.

Or in the case of one dayers, even less meaning than usual.

The terrorists probably didn’t have this in mind.

They probably just wanted to kill some people to prove some point.

And before you go saying, well they are obviously cricket lovers, and couldn’t bare to watch a 7 match series that was decided after 4 matches.

Remember this, their actions have also cancelled the ICL and the Champions doodad.

How many friends will that buy them?

Terrorists, outside of Che and few others, have never been very good at PR.

This is a sad day for all the victims, but this also effects world cricket.

And let us not forget that if this happened in a non cricket country, few of us would know about it.

So with cricket in mind, what does this do to world cricket.

Whities are already afraid to go to Pakistan, add India to that, and world cricket is fucked.

The fact that terrorists were looking for Whities will have the Whities panties in a bunch for years to come.

With so few real test nations, can we really afford to lose another one, especially the financial powerhouse?

Few other sports can be damaged by terrorism more than Cricket.

Will cricket survive it?

cricketwithballs

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another puddle of kittens

People seem very worried about Bangladesh, but I see signs of life there.

Today there was more than signs of life.

After making 250odd, they had South Africa 5/134 and were looking pretty damn good.

From there it all went wrong.

Boucher and Mittens Prince put on fucken heaps in an unbroken partnership.

And the game is now way beyond the means of the Kittens.

But it was the way the game was taken from the kittens that pissed me off.

They say the better teams always get the better calls.

Today that seemed true.

They amount of times Mark Boucher was hit in front of the stumps was amazing considering he was not given out once.

I just couldn’t imagine any test nation other than Bangladesh not getting a wicket from that many appeals.

Even Mittens got away with two I would have given.

I am not saying every single one was plumb, but there were more than enough chances given to the batsman out.

Had one of those chances been given out, the kittens were into the tail, and they could have really given South Africa a shake.

Instead South Africa will record another big win, and the kittens continue to bleed out.

cricketwithballs

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Fuck

Hauritz is in.


cricketwithballs

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Watson talks about selection, with a straight face

Shane Watson is biting the hand that wanks him.

Watson played the last match under Australia’s new flexible policy.

But now he hates it.

He thinks cricketers should learn to be more flexible in different conditions.

This from Mr Rigidity.

He is like a clothed David out on the pitch.

Yes that was a weird reference to an Italian sculpture.

But that is what Watson reminds me of.

Now he wants to adapt.

I think of all the people in Australian cricket, Watson is the one who shouldn’t ever talk about selection.

Ever.

Without flexibility he simply wouldn’t have played a test.

His first class record is nowhere near enough to get him a gig as a batsman or a bowler.

But that is Watson.

He just loves talking to the media.

No one from CA vet Watson before he speaks though, not even for irony.

cricketwithballs

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Hauritz to Hell

I don’t know how it happened.

I don’t know why it happened.

And I don’t care.

Just fucken fix it.

Get Hauritz out of Radelaide.

He can only do harm.

Under no circumstances can he be Australia’s spinner.

Not on my watch.

Dan Cullen, Aaron Heal, Jon Holland, or Xavier Doherty I would except.

Not Nathan.

It is a pointless exercise.

At least the others show potential.

Nathan is gone, finished, he doesn’t even get wickets at the SCG anymore.

He was stamped, never again, years ago, that stamp only comes off with brilliant shield performances.

Not mediocre drivel.

6 wickets at 50 in 3 matches does not a test match earn.

Sorry, I want Yoda there, but this is important.

This isn’t India, so Australian spinners don’t get a free tests here.

Hauritz is just not up to it.

He got out bowled by Michael Clarke in his only test.

His bowling average makes Krejza look like a superstar.

He averages less than 2 wickets a game over 40 first class games.

The majority of those were probably at the SCG, the spiniest pitch in Straya.

Not once has he got a 5 for.

And to top that off he is only 27.

Ok that has nothing to do with it.

But, he has had 7 years to make a mark, and nothing.

So many other spinners have made a mark since him.

Cullen’s record isn’t that much better, he averages only 8 runs less, but he has taken four 5 wicket hauls in 5 class cricket from only 4 more matches.

He is bowling as averagely as Hauritz in shield cricket this year, and this is his home pitch.

Or we could just not pick a spinner, since the only one performing in Australia is Marcus North.

cricketwithballs

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a catastraphe hits the world

This is a sad day for cricket.

People are in mourning.

People are checking in with loved ones.

The world seems a colder, darker place.

Iain O'Brien's blog is to be vetted by men in suits.

I feel dirty just writing it.

It was bound to happen.

Perhaps I am to blame.

Perhaps Uncle Rupert is.

Either way, we may never know if Iain finds the perfect pair of jeans now, as surely that will be vetted.

This is a sad day.

cricketwithballs

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Time to trust Shah

While England have been getting routinely thrashed on their travels through India, there has been one ray of solace. Owais Shah, for so long underperforming and untrusted, has most certainly come of age. At 30, he is sure of himself and his game; in Kevin Pietersen, he appears to have found a captain who trusts him, even if it is bewildering that Shah continues to be up and down the order, from six to three, and back again.

The statistics for Shah of late are exceptional. Since the start of the English summer, he has played 13 innings, and scored 514 runs at an average of 47 and a strike-rate of 97. These are impressive figures indeed.With his ability to manoueuvre the ball into gaps aided by his phenomenal hitting down the ground, the product of supreme batspeed, Shah has established himself as one of England's two best one-day batsmen, probably second only to his skipper Kevin Pietersen.

Pietersen showed great faith in Shah and promoted him to number three for the home series with South Africa. Many felt he was better off lower down the order, where his unorthodoxy and power hitting has proved so effective, but Shah hasn't exactly failed at three during this time, averaging over 40 in six innings. However, perhaps tellingly, his two best innings at three were in much-reduced matches, suggesting he is better when he knows exactly what is required of him. The argument does not completely hold up, though, given he has batted in the top three for Middlesex for years.

Clearly, England are confused over his best position. In the second game of this series, Shah made a somewhat slow 58 batting at three. He was promptly moved back down to six, scoring a useful 40 at nigh-on a run-a-ball. In game four, with England having only 22 overs to bat, many were mystified when Pietersen moved down from three, and Shah back up there. But Shah is probably England's best Twenty20 batsman, and proved as much with a fantastic 72 from 48 balls, treating the spinners and seamers with disdain, especially with his trademark flat-batted straight drive. Had he taken England home with a century, as seemed possible, Shah would have been a hero, but he nonetheless reminded all of his limited-overs skills. So it seemed bizarre when he was moved back down to six for the fifth game in the series. He seemed unflusterred, however, providing England's innings with late-order impetus en route to 66*.

England seem convinced that Shah must bat at either three or six. But this seems ridiculous. Pietersen, as England's skipper and best batsman, should bat at three. Shah, not the out-of-form Paul Collingwood, should bat at four, where his dexterity against spin and at the end of the innings can be exploited, and he can be shielded from perceived weaknesses agaianst the new seaming ball.

Owais Shah is playing the best cricket of his career. England seemed in danger of squandering a fine, albeit sometimes infuriating talent; after scoring 88 and 38 on Test debut in India two years ago, he played only three ODIs in the next fourteen months. Most bewilderingly of all, Ravi Bopara, then with just one ODI 50 to his name, was preferred to shah for the series in Sri Lanka a year ago. England can't keep having Shah as their spare batsman; he is in form, knows the conditions and deserves a run in the Test side at last.

Through sheer force of runs, Shah has established himself as an indispensable member of England's one-day side, one of the very few players able to take the game with conviction to the opposition. Paul Collingwood may have struck a brilliant, career-saving hundred only two Tests ago. But, given their vastly contrasting form, who would India rather bowl to in the Tests?

supervillian drops the white cat on its head

Morne has done it again.

Everytime I watch him bowl of late he is in the middle of the worst over ever.

Today his over had a happy ending.

But before that it went for 3 fours and a no ball before some nameless little kitten played on.

1/13 in one over.

That’s a spell.

I don’t know what is going on in that head of his, but it isn’t line or length.

According to the commentators he was trying to bowl 6 different kind of deliveries an over.

I disagree, he bowled two kinds, shit and lucky.

He seems to try too hard to do everything right.

He is an earnest quick.

They are a rare breed, Mitchell Johnson was the last one.

And soon they will go head to head.

Perhaps which ever one keeps his head out of his own ass will help his team to victory.


cricketwithballs

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Practise Sehwagology son

There is a moment in When we were kings where Drew Bundini Brown looks at the camera and says "How you gonna beat god son?".

Almost everytime Sehwag is in full swing this line goes through my head.

It is probably what inspired Sehwagology, not the religion itself, but the writing up of it.

I am just the messenger.

You don't get Sehwag out, he leaves when he is finished.

There is just an infallibility to him.

You know he is going to leave, but what will he take with him.

Today he took the game.

England weren't great, but their target should have taken some getting.

It took Sehwag.

He was electric against the quicks, and when Swann came on he wanted the boy to remember it for a while.

It's brutal grace.

In some ways he looks like a suburban golfer on ether, but in others he almost looks like a boxer in full control.

He reacts to the bowling so well, it's almost as if he knows what is coming, and his only decision is where to dismiss it.

The thing that separates him from sloggers is reaction, he doesn't come at you in a premeditated way, he waits for you to come to him, and then deals with what you have.

He has a sloggers nerve, a batsman's eye, and he trusts them.

I don't know how he does what he does, but I hope one day he gets the full credit he deserves.

How you gonna snub God son?

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

blogs are not formal

Some people make jokes about how Queensland is behind the time.

I have never done that, I prefer to call them New Texas and ignore them.

But it is hard to not bag them for being behind the time with fagotgate.

The head of QLD cricket has said there is no formal complaint of anyone being called faggot/faget/fagot.

That is true.

But there is a blog.

A blog where people from around the world has read about how drunken fucktards in Brisbane called the suishi loving Iain O’Brien a fagot/faget/faggot.

According to Graham, that doesn’t count.

Blogs are wonderful, and just because you are behind the times and still only use the internet for surfing porn, doesn’t mean the rest of us do.

O’Brien’s blog is obviously legit, it has a picture of him on it, and no one would would fake that.

Also I have consulted several experts in kiwiology, and they all believe it is him.

So it’s formal all right, its all over the internet.

I am not sure whether it’s a big deal, as I reported the fagot comments here before the mainstream media did, and not one of you seemed to care.

Homophobia has not quite reached the racism levels of political correctness yet.

Although in a funny twist, the people who called him fagot/faggot/faget could have been reading his blog, seen the bit where he said he was looking for the ‘perfect’ pair of jeans, and decided he was a faget/faggot/fagot based on that.

Assuming they could read.

This sort of stuff would have never happened in Melbourne.

Iain would have been hit in the head with a golf ball, and his sexuality would have stayed out of it.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

i am not getting paid for this plug

True Story.

But i figured you people may want to buy up these little gems.

They is T shirts, and i think they are worth a free plug.

YOu can get them here.

First is the Bill.

Then the Richie.

And if you are drunk, or Sri Lankan you may want the Tony.

If you are the owner of Nipple Cripple, i'll have an XL of the Bill thanks.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

If the guardian is a truthful paper, england is crap

England have developed a brilliant new strategy to avoid losing 7 nil in their one day series.

Less practice, more talky.

It makes sense really.

Where has practice got them, no where.

Although unless they are talking about taking an early trip home, you can’t see it doing a whole lot of good.

Andy Bull for the guardian wrote a great little piece in his off spin mail out about how England need to face up to the fact they just aren’t as good at one day cricket as India are.

According to him India haven’t lost to England in a one dayer in 7 years and dating a freaky liar.

That seems like a long time to me.

7 years ago I was living in a townhouse with my cousin and a speed freak.

Elvis was still alive.

Britney was still a virgin, at least anally.

Bryce McGain was a club cricketer.

And KP was still listed as South African on cric info.

Things have changed now, but for the nostalgics who think the world is moving to fast, they can look at England and feel a sense of security.

Some things change.

Some stay the same.

India are good.

England are not.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Speech recognition fun

I just got some speech recognition software.

It's useless.

So instead of using it to do tasks with, I typed in cricket sentences, and then watched what it had to say.

David Hussey is going to b Australia’s next PM or my name is not Uncle Jrod.

David Hussey is going to be screened at the end or mine and not on general

When bowling legspin, farting does not help as much as you would think.

When will extend marketing do not drop as much as you think

The world will be a cold and dark place when the prophet of sehwagology retires.

The world will be at fault and flights were profits over acknowledging that size

I would like to build an army out of zombie legspinners, with Tiger Bill their general.

Others like build an army as a militant would try to build the general

Cricket is a game best played pantless.

Critic is again as the hapless

If Michael Atherton was an object, he would be a shoe horn.

If Michael Atherton was an object eve of the issue born

Shivnarine Chandrepaul needs those black sticky things to keep his face together.

Should match arable vetoes like sticky things to keep his first together

Iain O’Brien likes sushi.

In a grind like sushi

The 3rd powerplay ruling could be the most important rule since timed out was invented.

That the adult local and could be the most important rule since time doubt that invented

In the beginning the demon Fred Spofforf had a great mo.

In the beginning the daemon press offers a great time

If more cricketers ate cheese, the world would be a better place.

Is more crude of the genes that will be a better place

Look Andre Nel has come to kill us all.

Look Andre has come to kill us all

Kumar Sangakarra is way cooler than Steve McQueen, but not quite at Lee Marvin’s level.

To my stake is one pulled and Steve McQueen is not quite the funds level yet

Every Tuesday Jacques Kallis feeds the starving orphans, to Graeme Smith.

Every Tuesday night fallacies that Simon Walkmans, to grandstand

Look Sunil Gavaskar is getting fucked by a chick with a strap on.

Look side of the matter is getting rocked by Jupiter

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

moles in, braces out

The Kiwis have a new coach.

Not the one they wanted.

Nor the one Daniel wanted.

Or even the one that Prince Brendan wanted.

But a shiny new coach who is not Braces.

His name is Andy Moles formerly of Warwickshire they tell me.

And his credentials include Scotland, Kenya, Hong Kong, & other places that no one in the cricket world cares about.

Moles won the position because no one else wanted it.

And Steve Rixon was busy talking up Haddin and coaching the Hyderabad Heroes and the Faux Indian XI.

It does say something when teams like New Zealand struggle to get a coach.

Matthew Mott obviously thought NSWales was a better meal ticket in the short term, and once he was turned their youngsters into test players, he can step up into the big time.

For Moles this is an opportunity, anything is a step up from Hong Kong or Northern Districts.

But have New Zealand got the best candidate, or the only one who wanted the job?

Justin Vaughan, head NZC administracrat, said Moles has 15 years coaching experience, but he didn’t retire from county cricket till 98.

The appointment seemed to be rushed when Mott said no.

That isn’t saying Moles wont be any good, all he has to do is keep his mouth shut and most Kiwi fans will warm to him.

You just worry that with coaches getting IPL/ICL contracts, whether the small countrie can afford the best, or just have to sign up who ever is left.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Iain's spelling is critiqued by Uncle Rupert

We all asked how long it would last.

Richard of sportsreview fame said 4 days.

Sportsfreak & I figured even less.

I didn't talk to Ben at Mike on cricket, but he would have had an opinion as well.

What am I talking about, Iain O’Brien’s blog.

While it hasn’t been edited/takendown/burntatthestake/sodomized yet, it can only be a matter of time with Foxsports running with direct quotes from the blog about Iain O’Brien being called a fagot.

Although Foxsports went with the more well known spelling of the word, faggot.

Trust Foxsports to ruin something pure and innocent.

The blog, not the spelling of the word faggot, which, if I remember my Korn listening days correctly, can also be spelt faget.

Finally we get a cricketer willing to talk about how he really feels in cricket, and Foxsports make a big deal of it one test in.

New Zealand Cricket aren’t going to want the truth coming out.

I mean when Iain gets bored about finding the perfect pair of jeans he may write something like, “that new bloke Moles seems like a good coach, but three times he has ‘accidently’ touched my penis, should I tell Vaughan about it?”.

How embarrassing would that be.

Especially if Moles gets his own blog, and starts talking about how Iain keeps rubbing his crotch on him.

You sense the madness that could ensue, and NZC would want none of it.

Anything that is good for the fans is automatically bad from an administrcratic point of view.

I mean he has already been called a fagot/faggot/faget, what if in Adelaide he is called a hermaphrodite, and he blogs about that.

Think of the children.

What will they blog about, one of them may even start up a blog called Iain O’Brien’s Intersex cricket blog.

And then where will we be.

In multi gender hell, that’s where.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

being flexible means you have to bend over

The push to end Clark’s career is now in full swing.

Ponting is talking about being flexible.

Clark’s bad record at Radelaide and his age are being mentioned.

And Peter Siddle is being pushed forward.

I think Clark will play in Adelaide, but only just.

Siddle just struggled against the Warriors, and must be short of match practice, having played one test, one first class match and whatever that thing was in Brisbane in the last 7 weeks.

Surely this isn’t the perfect time to pick him on a flat pitch.

Clark may struggle on flat pitches as well, but he just took 4 wickets against the kiwis in the second dig, and looked closer to his old form.

A lot has been made of Australia’s new flexible selection policy.

Under Ponting selection was always more rigid than a boy in a brothel, now they are going to other extremes.

It reeks of panic, and urine.

And you know what flexible selection policy means, flexible bowling line ups.

Mike Hussey isn't going to be rested on a flat pitch so his brother can come in and score quicker.

Hayden isn't going to miss out when the ball is swinging.


And they aren’t going to drop Roy for the Waca test because he doesn’t play the short ball well.

Flexible always means bowlers, or at worst, all rounders.

It must be something batsmen came up with, bastards.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Monday, November 24, 2008

a cricketer speaks his mind, he thinks about sushi

Anyone who has ever read a ghosted article by a cricketer, or a 'blog' written by a cricketer will know of the excruciating pain.

It's like being sent to a concentration camp, or listening to Wham.

But Iain O'Brien has smashed all previous expectations of cricketers typing.

How, on a blog, his own blog.

A cricketer with a regular non paid blogspot blog.

He reports from each test day.

So far that is only at the gabba, and some thoughts from the tour game.

I love it.

These are some of my favourite moments.

Lunch was sushi

Back to the hotel and I get a phone call from the NZ Cricket President, not the normal call. He was bringing over the first 'prototype' of my underwear.

Finger up, I'm off! Arse! Really not the day I was hoping for!

I don't know how many times I've was called a 'fagot' this afternoon!

NZ vs Aust - Gabba - Day Three
... and we're in the shit.

I felt angry again, I really wanted to throw my kit around (I'm not a gear thrower at all), I wanted to kick holes in walls (I'm really not like that at all), I wanted to punch holes in the shower doors (again, not me) and I really felt drained of energy and emotions.

I really hate loosing

I asked for the bowling machine to be 'cranked' up, in order to try to get used to the pace that will be coming at me in the middle. Shit it was quick.

First ball, quick, full, and I defend it. Next ball, bouncer, oh shit, I hate bouncers, I duck it, and get under it well. I stood straight back up and stared straight back at Johnson. I wasn't go to show him nothing. "Whatever pal, you can bowl quick, but I'm not taking a backward step." That was a thought of course, I wasn't going to start to get into verbals with them

My left tit to be precise. That hurt, and not how I wanted to play it.

Next ball, fullish, and I'm through my shot, spoon it weakly out to point. How damn weak was that.


If cricketers said to the press, we're in the shit, more often, the world would be a better place.

So get over to read a bit of Iain, cause fuck knows NZC will try and shut it down as soon as they can.

I am sure it breaks some sort of rules that some sort of suit has drawn up.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Vics win, again, again

Chris Rogers enjoys his first visit home.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

does he fail in his dreams

Cricketers often have rich dreams and brilliant fantasies.

That is why they all write such genius books.

It’s all the spare time sitting in the sheds you see.

And very few people have had more time in the sheds than Vaughan.

But instead of writing a book, he tells the media of his fantasies.

Regaining his spot in the English team.

As if English cricket wasn’t at a low enough ebb.

Vaughan wants a trip to the Caribbean.

I suggest all English fans to chip in and buy him a ticket, get him a nice hotel, and make sure its not an island they play cricket on.

The English team needs to shake him off.

He had his time, sometimes he did great, sometimes he did bad.

But England does not need an ex player who has decided at 34 he wants back in.

This is not a carousel Michael.

England need top class batsmen, not guys who were once, but now go golfing mid season.

By the time he gets back in the side he will be 35, so are England building a team for the now, or for the now and beyond.

There is no guarantee his batting is going to come back to him.

There is no guarantee his presence wont get on the nerves of KP.

And there is no guarantee he wont get bowled while looking like a text book.

I understand leaving test cricket must be hard, but is he coming back because he thinks it is best for the team, or best for him.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Mr 30%

Australia have been fined for their slow over rate again.

The ICC has come down hard.

No one expected them to give such a heavy sanction.

Finally they are getting ready to rid the cricket world of this stain.

Ricky Ponting was in shock "I knew they were getting serious, but i never thought they'd do this, how will i be able to pay my butler".

The rest of the team has been handed down 15% fines.

It's hit them all hard.

Shane Watson has had to cut back on his vitamins.

Mitchell Johnson has cancelled is subscription to karate chicks magazine.

Brett Lee is making all his Indian agents call him now.

And Hayden has stopped printing his photos on matte finish.

It's tough times.

If you would like to support the impoverished Australian cricketers, please go to http://savearichasscricketerbeforetheyhavetomovetoaworkingclasssuburb.org.

Your players need you.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Roy fishes for trouble

Roy is back.

Not in form.

But in trouble.

This time it is being involved in a bar altercation.

Unfortunately it all sounds pretty tame, and he didn't hit anyone with a barramundi.

Shame.

Apparently some dude had a go at him in a pub James Sutherland would never drink in.

Luckily for you i have an updated copy of the players conduct conditions that all Australian cricketers must sign.

Roy has broken several clauses:

17.67a Drinking alcohol is fine, but you cannot drink in any bar that thinks bundy & coke is a cocktail.

88.96c Players may stay out till dark, but must be tucked up in their hotel room bed by the time the first episode of CSI or Law & Order is being shown in Australia.

1a Thou shall never drink with Rugby players, if you have to slum it, find an aussie rules player.

65.23d Australian cricketers will have no personality.

So this means the end for Roy.

Under these rules he will be put down at a simple ceremony out the back of Radelaide oval, just near the place where Mark Cosgrove hides his pizza boxes.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Sachin's role in ODI team

I had argued in a column for DNA that the return of Sachin to the ODI team would be disruptive in several respects (Sachin's return is mistimed). Not surprisingly, it got a vitriolic reaction from the legions of Sachin fans. The Bangalore match, however, only confirms my basic premise. It is not that Sachin does not deserve a place in the side. But is the Sachin-Sehwag opening combo better than the Gambhir-Sehwag pairing? I don't think so. In fact, if Sachin had not got out when he did, we might have fallen short of what we eventually got. In the middle order, he would lend stability, but only if we need to consolidate. On Indian pitches, that is rarely a requirement. Besides, when we've already won the series, should Sachin's place not be used to groom a future star?

In praise of the batting power play

[b]The latest ICC amendment to the One Day International playing conditions looks like being a hit with spectators and batsmen, if not bowlers.[/b]

The batting power play is cricket’s best new regulation for some time. It might not be as significantly game-changing as the expanded third umpire referral system, but its introduction represents a much-needed fillip for 50 over cricket and shows the law-makers do take spectator enjoyment into consideration.

The new system needs tinkering. There is a grey area surrounding the element of choice involved â€" what happens if fielding team and batting team want to take their power play at the same time?

The current convention is for the fielding captain to tag his power play onto the first 10 overs of compulsory fielding restrictions, with the batting side targeting a spell two thirds through the innings, around the time of the mandatory ball change at 34 overs.

However, a flying start by the batting team might prompt them to call for their power play at the same time the fielding captain does; whose power play it is is important, as the state of the game might be very different after 15 overs â€" either side might not want to choose their power play at that stage.

Bowling changes also need to be looked at. It is part of the cat-and-mouse nature of the rule for the batting team to pounce on a part-time bowler by commencing five overs of fielding restrictions; for the fielding captain to stand down a fill-in bowler at the start of his run-up in favour of his star man goes against the spirit of the new regulation.

These are mere teething problems. The meandering middle overs of a One Day innings have been instantly enlivened and a new tactical dimension is introduced. Big hitters can now reside at four and five in the batting order rather than as openers or number seven sloggers â€" it is the licence Andrew Flintoff has needed to play his natural game, although as Kevin Pietersen’s power play go-to bowler, he must curse the new regulation.

India’s current superiority over England might persuade them to try new batting power play tactics â€" as soon as possible as mentioned above if Virender Sehwag is in full flight, or at the death if Yuvraj Singh and Yusuf Pathan are new to the crease â€" although the ease with which teams score in the batting power play asks some interesting questions.

Why do England remain so incapable of utilising the 10 overs of compulsory power play? Why do all batsmen not play with more freedom at all times? Is limited overs cricket heading towards a full innings of fielding restrictions? These queries suggest the batting power play is here to say and not about to join the Supersub on the ICC scrapheap of abandoned regulations.


[b]Written by Philip Oliver, a sports writer who blogs about cricket betting.[/b]

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rixon sticks up for his boy

Brad Haddin is struggling.

Sure this makes me happy, but others are less so.

Especially Steve Rixon, his former teacher and coach.

He believes the pressure has gotten to Brad Haddin, and so that Australia don’t miss out on one of their best ever keepers, he should be given a 2 year run without the chance of being dropped.

RIXON YOU MAD FUCKER.

If the dude can’t handle the pressure of test cricket and the selection process, why the hell would we give him two yers, he's 31 already.

Ronchi and Paine aren’t putting any pressure on him, so it's all in his head, life is tough though Brad, get through it, or get out of the way.

Test cricket is all about the pressure.

If he can’t handle it, maybe this game isn’t for him, if it is, he will make runs and stop fumbling and solidify his spot.

There are no free rides because he has put in for the NSWales cause.

He has been given 8 tests Rixon, 4 of them against the 7th & 8th ranked teams in the world, and nothing has come of it.

His keeping is slipping, his batting is average, and he looks like a shadow of himself.

Maybe getting dropped will fire him up.

Maybe Ronchi and Paine aren’t ready, but how long do you carry a bloke because people think he has earned his spot at the level below.

That isn’t how this works.

He earned his spot, and now he needs to keep it by performing.

8 tests is more than most players get to prove themselves.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Kiwis, so close to heaven with their heads in the clouds

New Zealand did well with the ball, take out Clarke and Katich once each and they were on the mark in this game.

But they aren’t going to get too many wickets in Australia that suit them better.

Since they are only playing on one other pitch in this series*.

The test at Radelaide oval should be drawn going on the Klinger Kurve this year, but it should allow Jesse Ryder and Ross Taylor to make hundreds if they concentrate.

McCullum as well.

The ball will spin, so O’Brien or Southee may miss for Patel.

Although I heard Mills was rubbish in the way he gave the boys their red bull, so Patel may have been brought over just for that.

An attack of Martin, Southee, Vettori, and Patel is probably not the worst for Radelaide.

But 20 wickets is a long way off.

Australia bring Krejza in for Watson, and Roy will bowl more spin.

Also Radelaide can get a bit of reverse for Tait, so will be interesting to see if the aussie quicks can work it out.

I can’t see the second test being anywhere near as good as this one.

*A series is 3 tests or more you scrotum headed freaks at the ICC.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

North owns the West

Marcus North does back to back hundreds all over Victoria.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Dear Simon,

We’ve had our up and downs.

Ok, mostly downs.

There has always been a certain friction between us.

I blame you, that technique is grating on the eyes, and ofcourse there was leaving a neutral state for the devil so you could get a test cap.

People could say I was overly harsh at times, sure they remembered the 05 ashes, and some of them even remember you opening with Gilchrist, but they thought that with 'another' extended run you could come good, and no one deserves as much vitriol as i gave you.

They were wrong.

They never saw you in state cricket, shuffling around like a demented hermit krab scoring at a strike rate that could bore Boycott.

They don’t know the pain you have put me through.

Watching you bat was like getting an enema from a bear with chainsaws for hands.

I still feel that way.

But, just because aesthetically you pain me, does not mean I cannot see your niche in the team at this very moment.

You are the coal miner in a bunch of stockbrokers and accountants.

And I am not just saying that because you are dirty a lot of the time, and I cough when I think of you.

Right at the moment the Australian team needs someone to make ugly runs.

Sure that hurts me to say it, but it’s true.

Almost every other time you have played this has not been the case.

Obviously a lot of those times were the selectors fault, but with you krabbing around I took it out on you, occasionally I may have gone too far.

Probably not through.

Anyway, your 4 hundreds in 8 tests have placated my anger.

Don’t think I have gone soft though Simon, if you fuck up I will fling as much faeces and bile at you to drown an elephant.

Right at the moment you are doing ok, so don’t fuck that up, and I’ll try to keep the insults down to the bare minimum of one per post.

Cheers

Jrod

PS I’m still going to call you the Krab, especially now it is Michael Slater approved.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Playing a different game

India’s series-clinching defeat of England was in doubt for large portions of England’s run-chase, as Owais Shah and Andrew Flintoff valiantly hauled England back into contention. But had they seen England home it would have concealed a desperate lack of flexibility in the side’s batting â€" and perhaps most fundamentally, a lack of collective skill.

The decision to open with Bell and Bopara, as if it was a 50-over chase rather than a 22-over one, betrayed a complete inability of England’s management to think on their feet. Bell has shown signs of being a good one-day opener, playing second fiddle, but simply lacks the explosive hitting crucial in a match that was virtually a Twenty20.

England needed to show intent from ball one to chase down the target of 198. Instead, they mustered a paltry 21 from their first six Powerplay overs, a familiar tale. They should have done everything to ensure their best players faced as many balls as possible â€" obvious, perhaps, but they palpably failed to do so. Opening with Shah, alongside Bopara, and having Pietersen at three and Flintoff at four would have showed a flexibility that would have worried India. Bell’s 12 runs from 15 balls hardly constituted the flying start England needed.

Owais Shah played an exceptional innings, displaying his powerful straight-hitting and unorthodoxy: finally, he has cemented his role in the one-day side, though his best position remains the subject of conjecture. Yet had he taken England home it would only have concealed their pitiful efforts at the start and end of the innings, at their complete inability to adapt to the demands of the situation. Put simply, they appeared to be playing a different game from India, lacking firepower at the start and end of the innings and, save for Shah, Flintoff and Pietersen, the ability to hit sixes.

This side below may be the best England can muster in Indian conditions in 50-over games, although it probably still isn’t good enough:
Bell
Bopara
Pietersen
Shah
Flintoff
Collingwood
Prior
Mascharenhas
Swann
Broad
Harmison (given that Sidebottom is injured)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Morne Morkel loses his superpower

In England Dale Steyn didn't fire.

And the press didn't seem to care.

They had Morne Morkel, the commentators were madly in love with him.

There was alot to like, tall, fast, and hard to play.

But somewhere the supervillain sounding Morkel lost it.

Almost every time i see him play he seems to break down.

The latest one was against the Kittens.

Now if you can't handle the pressure when playing the kittnes, your first trip to Australia is going to be hell.

This was an over by Morkel.

33.1 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, FOUR, full and too straight, flicked away with ease.
33.2 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, no run, no shot offered.
33.3 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, FOUR, full and wide, beautiful cover drive.
33.4 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, FOUR, too straight from Morkel and flicked down fine.
33.5 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, 1 no ball
33.5 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, 1 no ball, another no-all, backward defence.
33.5 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, 1 wide, very wide outside off. Morkel struggling.
33.5 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, 1 run, driven to Smith at mid-off.
33.6 Morkel to Shahadat Hossain, no run

The score before the over was 8/132 in the first innings.

That is some break down.

And in the second innings he wasn't much better.

This has been happening alot, something in Morkel's skull is disconnected.

Apparently the boy is a bit of a thinker, and that can often lead towards head fucks.

Morkel seems to be dealing with them alot.

Usually this wouldn't be a huge problem, Morkel could completely collapse and the worlds favourite serial killer Andre Nel could come in.

But his knee is gone, and he isn't even travelling to Australia.

Instead Zondeki and Lonwabo Tsotsobe are the back ups.

Morkel's head is never going to be tested more than in Australia.

This is something to keep an eye on.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Dhoni Disgusted

What the hell is going on with India.

They have just one an important series, they have just got their dream captain, and they are 3 zip up in this series.

Other places may be full of joy happiness and love ins.

Not India.

Dhoni was so pissed that Rp Singh was going to be assed for Irfan Pathan, he apparently offered his resignation.

How do we know this, because it leaked.

How much more angry did this make Dhoni, lots more angry.

Dhoni probably wasn’t really resigning, he was probably just trying to make a point.

But now his and the selectorial business is all out in the open.

This is not how successful teams behave.

This is for teams that are falling apart at the seams.

Get it together India, selection squabbles should only come out years alter when big book deals have been signed.


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Chris Rogers earns his Neds

Chris Rogers tries to prove his Victorianess by slamming his old mob.


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the fog of fuckwits

England are losing.

So they are using their time as effectively as they can.

Whinging about fog and light and shit.

Yeah it’s annoying, but why weren’t the floodlights used?

Oh because England and India agreed that the lights wouldn’t be used for day games.

So stop your whinging boys.

And by boys I mean the team, and the media.

Let us not even mention that the last 9 overs were going to be bowled mostly by Anderson, Patel and KP.

Instead let us fixate on losing the game because the lunch break was too long.

One word for you people, flood lights.

Ok two words that can be combined to one, if required.

This is not a big issue gents, your 3 losses is a big issue.

This is a game you were losing, that was called off early.

Sure you could have come back and won, but Swann was bowled out, Flintoff and Broad had two between them.

And you didn’t win, because of the rules of the game, common sense is a wonderful thing, but when has it had anything to do with professional sports.

Perhaps you guys should worry more about winning a game, because if not you drop tour for the rest of the tour.

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The Gregorys - Chapter Three

While two other English teams had toured Australia since the first led by HH Stephenson in the early 1860s, it was James Lillywhite’s tour of Australia in 1876/77 that has since been recognized as providing the start of Test cricket. As with all English teams that toured Australia prior to the M.C.C.’s involvement in 1903, Lillywhite’s side was organized privately and was not considered an official English representative side when it left.

Lillywhite, a left hand slow-medium pace bowler and lower order batsman, had previously toured North America in 1868 and was a member of W.G. Grace’s 1873/74 side to Australia. He was a member of a well-respected family within English cricketing circles. Although he was the son of a bricklayer, John Lillywhite, his uncle Frederick and cousins James snr. and John Lillywhite also all played first class cricket in England professionally. The family’s Lillywhite Cricketers’ Annual rivalled Wisden as the pre-eminent ‘bible’ of the game for many years. By 1877, he was thirty five years old and had considerable experience in first class cricket. He had made his debut in 1862 for Sussex, and ultimately played a total of 256 first class games.

The twelve member team that Lillywhite brought out was composed entirely of professional players from only four counties. Joining Lillywhite from Sussex were Henry Charlwood and James Southerton, with Thomas Armitage, Tom Emmet, Andrew Greenwood, Allan Hill and George Ulyett from Yorkshire, Henry Jupp and Edwin Pooley from Surrey, and John Selby and Alfred Shaw from Nottinghamshire. Shaw was the vice-captain of the touring party, and also acted as the assistant manager. Shaw had been previously been invited to tour Australia by Grace, but had chosen not to take part.

The Lillywhite tour was arranged in conjunction with Victorian player and journalist John Conway, and was financed by a wealthy English farmer, Arthur Hogben. The players all agreed to tour for a total of one hundred and fifty pounds a man, with a share of profits taken from the matches. The only exception was the Alfred Shaw who asked for and received three hundred pounds in return for his role as assistant manager. One of main reasons Shaw had not chosen to take part in the 1873/74 related to the second-class travel arrangements for all professionals, with only the amateurs receiving first class passage. With this tour being composed entirely of professionals, Lillywhite organized that they all travelled and stayed first-class. The team’s sea voyage to Australia took forty eight days on the P & O steamship Poonah, with stops in Malta, Suez and King George’s Sound at Albany to refill with coal.

As the tour was only composed of professionals, many of the greatest English batsmen were not present. For a period of ten years between 1871 and 1880, the top English batsmen were exclusively amateurs. Grace, who had captained the touring party of Australia four years previously in 1873, was without doubt the most famous cricketer in the world, and his first class record over this period of 16,877 runs at an average of just under 49 was almost 18 runs better than his nearest rival. Other notable players of the age who did not tour with Lillywhite included Lord Harris, Arthur Shrewsbury, the Hon. Alfred Lyttleton, Allan Steel, ‘Monkey’ Hornby, Richard Barlow, and Alfred Lucas. Grace’s brothers G.F. and E.M. also were famous non-starters; in fact Fred Grace was proposing a rival tour to Lillywhite’s that did not eventuate. The fact that Fred Grace’s team did not transpire was highly significant; with another English team touring Australia in parallel it is unlikely that a game with Lillywhite’s XI would have afterwards been given the status of the inaugural Test match.

Despite the unavailability of players of this, it was a side of seasoned and well performed professional players, with Alfred Shaw considered the premier bowler in England and Edward Pooley the best wicketkeeper in the country. Prior to the tour the English expectations were that they would not be troubled greatly by the colonies. Lillywhite’s team struggled on the tour, losing first to a New South Wales XV by two wickets, then to a Victorian XV by 31 runs, and finally to another New South Wales XV. The Melbourne Punch magazine became somewhat overconfident at this point, putting forward a somewhat tongue-in-cheek view that in a decade an Australian XI would be playing against an All England XV.

With these victories, the Victorian Cricket Association was sufficiently confident as to consider that the time had come for a match to take place against combined colonial team on even terms, with eleven per side. Their enthusiasm was dampened a little with an impressive performance by Lillywhite’s side in a game against a New South Wales XI, but it was decided to progress with a Combined NSW-Victoria XI against the All England XI. This game was set down to begin on the 15th of March, 1877. Lillywhite agreed to this additional match, and whilst his side headed to New Zealand for a two month tour, the hard work of organizing the combined eleven began. Conway, who had been the key Australian contact in planning the Lillywhite tour, was instrumental in the coordination of this game that was initially referred to by the media as the “grand combination match.”

In 1877, the federation of Australia was still almost twenty five years in the future. When the British first settled Australia in 1788, all the land was referred to as New South Wales. New settlements such as Van Diemen's Land (Tasmania) in 1803, Moreton Bay (Brisbane) in 1824, and Port Phillip (Melbourne) in 1835 were established over the next few decades. Whilst these were overseen from Sydney initially, the new colonies complained of neglect and demanded their right to govern themselves. The British Government’s Australian Colonies Government Act of 1850 empowered the colonies to frame their own constitutions, establish legislation and determine the voting rights for legislation. In 1851, Victoria gained its legislation under this act, and this development created further divisions and differences. Victoria and New South Wales viewed themselves as adversaries, rather than as a potential coalition. Some of this enmity arose from the fact that Sydney had originated as a penal settlement, while Melbourne was composed of free settlers. Both states tended to view the other with considerable suspicion, with inter-colonial trade barriers and tariffs greatly restricting free commerce between the two states. There were also significant complications associated with varying navigation, insurance and quarantine laws, postal services, the gauge of railway lines and banking. Even though New South Wales was the most populous state, Victoria was quickly closing the gap and was becoming the centre of many important manufacturing and commercial enterprises, a situation that led to considerable jealousy on the part of politicians in Sydney.

With a considerable amount of inter-colonial rivalry ever present, the naming of a mutually acceptable side was always going to prove a difficult exercise. As a compromise, it was initially conceived that the team would be composed of six players from New South Wales and five from Victoria. The Victorians, and Conway in particular, bypassed the New South Wales Cricket Association and approached the Sydney-based players directly to take part. That Association was clearly disgruntled at being ignored, and issued the following resolution: “It has been publicly notified that a game is about to be played between the All-England Eleven and a combined eleven of New South Wales and Victoria. This association desires to place on record that the game has been arranged without any reference to the association, and cannot be regarded as a match in which chosen representatives of NSW take part.” As one of the most respected and senior players in Sydney, Dave Gregory, in particular, was subject to considerable pressure from the NSW cricket authorities not to take part in a game lacking their direct sanction.

One of the first problems facing the organizers was agreeing upon a ground on which to hold the match. As the game was being organized by the Victorian Cricketers’ Association, the Melbourne Cricket Club’s Richmond Paddock was the obvious choice. The only problem was that Lillywhite had agreed prior to the tour commencing to play his matches on the East Melbourne Club’s main ground. This was the result of the proposed rival tour by G.F Grace that had booked the Melbourne Cricket Ground before Lillywhite could. Conway examined the options for Lillywhite, with five recreational grounds in the East Melbourne area. In addition to the Melbourne Cricket Club’s Richmond Paddock, there were also established pitches at Richmond Cricket Oval, Gosch’s Paddock, and two ovals run by the East Melbourne Club. With the Melbourne Cricket Ground pre-booked by Grace’s tour, East Melbourne was the next-best option Conway to organize for Lillywhite. Ultimately it would not have been an issue, as Fred Grace’s tour did not go ahead, but the agreement to play games at the East Melbourne Ground had been signed before Grace cancelled his plans.

Changing the location of the game from East Melbourne to the Melbourne Cricket Ground would not appear difficult. There were, however, a variety of factors that added to the problems facing the organizers. The Melbourne and East Melbourne Clubs were in the middle of a protracted dispute regarding the allocation of gate money, and they had refused to play each other that year in the Melbourne club competition. The East Melbourne Club’s committee regarded it as a major coup to have captured the rights for the Lillywhite matches, and they were not going to relinquish them easily. The Melbourne Cricket Club had established a monopoly over major cricketing contests, and the East Melbourne Club viewed the Lillywhite tour as an opportunity to break this domination.

This competition between the two clubs threatened to derail the match before it even started. The fight was carried out in public, with both sides acting through the newspapers, with threats made of legal action. There was a significant amount of negotiation before a compromise was finally reached between the various parties, with Lillywhite paying East Melbourne a total of 230 pounds and allowing their five hundred members into the Melbourne Cricket Ground free on each day of the match. The East Melbourne Club were not idle at this time, as they quickly aligned themselves with the Victorian Football Association which had formed in 1877. Their ground became the headquarters of the Essendon Football Club only a few years later in 1880. In an interesting aside, the Lillywhite Cricketer’s Companion starting publishing the averages of the East Melbourne Cricket Club’s players in the Melbourne Pennant Competition, a practice that continued well into the 1880s. Whether this was part of an unofficial agreement between Lillywhite and the East Melbourne Club or simply a strange idiosyncrasy remains a mystery.

The Melbourne Cricket Club had just built a new grandstand at their ground Richmond Paddock at a cost of £4678. As was common at the time, the stand was constructed in a manner that allowed the seating to be rearranged to permit spectators to watch cricket on the Melbourne Cricket ground in summer, and football on the adjacent Yarra Park in winter. In 1876, the prevailing wisdom was that the one ground could not cope with the stresses of both football and cricket, so a multi-directional stand was essential. The grandstand, with a capacity of two thousand people, greatly added to the comfort provided to spectators, and also allowed for increased revenue over the following years for the Melbourne Cricket Club.

Whilst the ground was finally organized and ready, the combined team had also proved difficult to confirm. Ted Evans from New South Wales was considered one of the leading all-rounders in the country and an automatic selection, but he declined a position because of the pressure of business. His withdrawal resulted in the initial selection of Charles Bannerman, Fred Spofforth, Tom Garrett, Nat Thomson and the two Gregory Brothers, Dave and Ned as the six New South Welshmen in the team.

The team faced further immediate problems with Spofforth refusing to play unless Billy Murdoch was selected to keep wicket instead of the Victorians’ choice of Jack Blackham. Spofforth believed that only Murdoch, his New South Wales wicketkeeper, understood his bowling well enough. The selectors did not give in to this blackmail, so Spofforth, a man of his word, withdrew from the side. The loss of Evans and Spofforth was then compounded by the last minute withdrawal of Victorian Frank Allan, a left armer considered highly enough to have attracted the sobriquet of “bowler of the century”. Allan, who had originally consented to play and had received time off work from his position with the Lands Department at Warrnambool in Western Victoria, later changed his mind and instead decided to meet up with friends at the Warrnambool Agricultural Fair. While the idea of a current Test player deciding to miss a game because he wanted to visit a fair is inconceivable, it does underline the fact that this game was not viewed at the time as the start of international Test cricket as we know it today.

The final eleven players who took the field were Charles Bannerman, John Blackham, Bransby Cooper, Tom Garrett, Dave Gregory, Ned Gregory, Jack Hodges, Tom Horan, Tom Kendall, Billy Midwinter and Nat Thomson. There is still some confusion regarding the exact identity of Hodges, with some sources referring to J.R. and others to J.H. It is now considered that the individual in question is John Robert Hodges. It is believed that the confusion may have arisen around five years later, when John Henry Hodges umpired in the 1884/85 Melbourne Test Match. During this period many umpires were also current first class cricketers, and in the years following J.R. and J.H. Hodges were mistakenly assumed to be the same person. Likewise, Nat Thomson’s surname is often spelt as Thompson in many records.

Of the final eleven players, only five were native born in Australia. This was perhaps not surprising, as in 1871 only 60% of people in Australia were born there. In contrast to the initial plan, Victorians outnumbered New South Welshman by six to five. This was of particular importance, as the players chose the captain, and in light of the inter-colonial rivalry, it would not have been unexpected that the Victorian dominance would result in the selection of one of their own. Spofforth wrote in 1894 that he doubted

“if Englishmen will ever understand the spirit of rivalry that runs high between the colonies of Victoria and New South Wales. The spirit is not limited to the field, it extends to politics, to society, to every side of life, indeed, in which the two are brought into contact with one another’”.

Lillywhite had commented on the previous 1873/74 tour with Grace that the inter-colonial rivalries weakened the on-field performances of the sides. This level of antagonism can be further seen by the views of Charles Bannerman a few years later. The team was travelling by steamer along the coast of New Zealand and Bannerman, a strong swimmer, was asked who he would save in the event of the boat sinking. He replied that he would help his brother Alec, then Billy Murdoch and Fred Spofforth. When asked about the Victorian members of the squad, he said “Let them drown. Do you think I am going to risk my life for them?” In light of this prevailing attitude, it is even more extraordinary that Dave Gregory from New South Wales was nominated unanimously to lead this first ever combined eleven.

The influence of Conway on this decision is difficult to determine, but it is clear that he played a role. Conway had previously been very impressed by Dave’s clear thinking and capacity to remain calm under pressure. In a letter he wrote to a relative a few years before, he commented that “he not only looked the part, he was the part. Dave Gregory would be ideal to lead a combined colonies team against England.” In his capacity as the Australian organizer of this match, Conway was in a position to exert his influence over any decision made in respect to the makeup of the team. The other potential candidate for the captaincy was Bransby Cooper, a very experienced cricketer who had previously led Victoria in inter-colonial games. It is possible that Conway considered the appointment of a Victorian may have led to a division between within the team. Regardless of this possibility, however, it is clear that the players themselves were also fully supportive of Dave’s selection as captain.

In an interview with Dave’s daughter Pearl, noted cricket author Ray Robinson heard how happy Dave had been to be nominated for the role of captain.

“It always pleased father to recall that his fellow players elected him captain for the first of all test matches. Yes, the Victorians elected him as the match was in Melbourne.”

It seems clear that the personality and disposition of Dave Gregory are some of the primary reasons explaining why he was, with no prior captaincy experience, named as the leader of a combined team in a period of extreme rivalry between the colonies. His ability to lead other workers had been identified early on in the Auditor-General Department, and clearly his manner and ability to inspire others was a key factor in his selection as captain.

His father, Edward, had instilled into all of his children the need to be careful students of the game, and Dave had shown his ability to both read the game and to adapt to changing conditions. Gregory and Billy Caffyn had spent a considerable amount of time discussing tactics and strategies over the years. More than this though, it was obvious that Dave had the respect of all his fellow players. He had been representing New South Wales for over a decade, and at age 32, had the maturity and knowledge to back his self-confidence. Author Harry Hedley noted that “whilst Gregory’s performances did not look statistically great, he was seen as one of the key players in the NSW side”. Hedley’s description of Dave as “one of the foremost cricketers in New South Wales and one of the most popular in both colonies” again reinforced the prevailing view of him as a highly respected figure in both Sydney and Melbourne.

Noted Australian literary figure, A.B. (Banjo) Paterson was a passionate cricket lover and watched the game develop with a keen interest. He got to know many of the cricketers of the time, and his observations of Dave are especially interesting.

“I remember Dave Gregory, the captain of the first Australian eleven, black-bearded, high-shouldered, remarkably like the English captain Grace and with a good deal of Grace’s invincible self-confidence. We hear a lot about temperament nowadays but neither Grace nor Gregory was afflicted with any temperament, not so that you could notice it.”

This comparison with W.G. Grace is an interesting one, and underlines the respect that Dave was held in by his peers and the community in general. Frank Iredale, a noted Australian test player of the 1890s, summed up the feeling of the youth of Sydney towards Dave:

“I can turn my mind back to the days when his presence in the field mean as much to me, and no doubt thousands of other boys of Australia, as the name of W.G. Grace did to the boys of England.”

While his personal batting and bowling statistics were not overly impressive, it is clear that he had faith in the abilities of both himself and his team. It is worth remembering that in spite of Lillywhite’s teams poor performances on the tour, it was generally expected, both in Australia and back in England, that they would not be greatly troubled in overcoming the combined team. Dave’s confidence, and his ability to instill this self-belief in his players would go a long way towards determining whether this team would be able to compete on an equal level to the English side.

The organizers of the Australian team were not alone in having difficulties in arranging a side for the game. Lillywhite’s touring party had problems of their own to overcome. After their game against New South Wales, they had travelled to New Zealand for a series of matches. This segment was always a planned component of the tour, with the subsequent return to Australia for the Test match an addition to the original schedule. The tour was a difficult one for Lillywhite’s side. They did not lose a game against teams varying in number of eighteen to twenty two by winning six and drawing the other two, but financially it was a disaster for Lillywhite. The team’s assistant manager, Alfred Shaw, wrote an account of the tour, and mention was made of substandard accommodation and trying travelling conditions.

One particular incident has gained considerable coverage over the years, with the team coach nearly coming to grief in Otira Gorge. What the driver thought was a shallow ford was actually a swiftly running river. The four horses pulling the coach collapsed in mid-stream, and the players had to get out to help the horses ashore. Once there, the drenched players had to walk to the nearest town to find shelter for the night. No players were injured in this undoubtedly frightening experience, but that was considered more a matter of good fortune than anything else.

The troubles of Lillywhite’s team was not over, with one of their key members arrested. The team’s one and only wicketkeeper, Pooley, was charged in Otago for malicious damage to property above the value of £5, and also of assault. This story has been recounted many times, but it is worth recapping as it had a major impact upon the side Lillywhite was able to select for the game against the Australian combined side.

Pooley was detained in Otago to await trial, and whilst he received bail of £100, the remainder of the side did not see him again on the tour. This situation arose as the result of Pooley taking a side bet in the game against the Eighteen of Canterbury played against at Christchurch from the 26 to 28 February, 1877. Pooley offered any takers a bet in which he would name the individual score that each player of the opposition would get. For those he got correct he would be paid £1, and for each one he got wrong he would pay 1 shilling. A local by the name of Ralph Donkin felt this was too good an opportunity to miss, and agreed to the bet. Pooley promptly named a duck against each player of the opposition, and with a fair proportion of the eighteen failing to score in the match, Pooley finished substantially in front in respect to the wager. Donkin refused to pay up, and the subsequent argument led to a violent confrontation and damage to fixtures.

Pooley, and his fellow co-accused, a team assistant by the name of Alf Bramall, had to stand trial in at the Supreme Court in Christchurch on the 6 April, and therefore they were not able to travel with the rest of the team to Australia. This left Lillywhite without his regular wicketkeeper, and bearing in mind that the original touring party had twelve members, only eleven available players. Eventually Pooley and Bramall were both found not guilty on all charges, and whilst Pooley received a gold ring and a share of a £50 subscription from members of the New Zealand public for his ordeal, the Surrey wicketkeeper made the journey back to England having missed the change to play in the first ever test.

The loss of Pooley left Lillywhite with an easy decision regarding the makeup of his side the match. The remaining eleven members of the touring party were automatic selections. Jupp was expected to fill in for Pooley as the wicketkeeper as he had some previous experience, but he was suffering from an inflammation of the eyes and Selby took on the role instead. The general feeling of the newspapers of the day was that this team would prove far too strong for the combined colonies team. The absence of many of their great batsmen was counterbalanced by the fact that Lillywhite had a formidable pace bowling trio of Shaw, Hill and Ulyett that was as strong as any combination England could have mustered. Public enthusiasm for the game had dropped following the earlier victories against Lillywhite’s team, and there did not appear much hope that the combined side would be able to compete on even terms.

Friday, November 21, 2008

lunch day three

There was a time where Haddin looked like he was going to do what he had done for NSWales a bunch of times, hit through the lines until they were on top.

You could see it, but test cricket has not been kind to him, and instead of saving the day he missed a straight one from Vettori.

At this stage the game was New Zealand's if they wanted it, but they didn't really grab it, twice infact.

Katich gave them chances, but O'Brien and Ryder both missed ones that could have changed the game.

Then Katich and Lee put on 30odd, and even though Lee never looked that comfortable, Australia showed they were going to fight right down to the tail.

Lee was unlucky, you could say he penised the ball onto the stumps, or you could day he squeezed his ass cheeks together and squirted out a bowled.

Either way he was gone, and Katich found a partner he could hit another 40odd with in Johnson.

This could be a very important session, either it is the session where Australia get so many runs that New Zealand cannot reach them.

Or it is the session that finally convinces everyone that this pitch is great right now, and 350 should be attainable.

The Kiwi quicks were a little lifeless, but Vettori was the pick of the bowlers.

His use of varying speeds, Bryce McGain called him a master of it, is brilliant.

And Brett Lee's penis/shit bowled was because of that.

But let us not dilly dally around with talk of Daniel Vettori and Penises, this was Katich's session.

Sure he was dropped twice, but as Michael Slater said 56 times it's his 4th hundred this year, and this one might have won Australia a test match.

New Zealand is still a chance ofcourse, but they really don't look like breaking the Johnson Krab partnership at the moment.

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previously at the gabba

Australia

Looked very motivated to get wickets, and thanks to a few bad shots and some loss of concentration didn't have trouble finding them.

Then after seeing the Kiwis throw away their innings, decided to do the same, but Katich was having none of it.

New Zealand

Lost the plot from ball one.

Bowled well when they got the chance, but 250 on this pitch could have assured them a victory, now they will have to work their ass off for the chance of one.

Who is in front

Australia has the game in its grasp now, anything over 200 should be hard to get.

But New Zealand have the fire power to get the runs, so Australia will want to set 250 at least.

Either team could still win.

Play of the day

Has to go to Jesse Ryder getting hit in the nuts, but not so much for the fact he was hit, but that a chocolate bar was taken out to make him feel better.

Whether that chocolate bar was injected with tequila we will ever know, but as the great leg break put it, that is man management.

Testicular moment of the day

Since i instigated this i have had to award so many cricketers i have bagged, and here is one for the Krab Katich (Slater approved nickname).

While everyone else was whinging about a pitch where the ball moved ever so slightly, the dirty sandgroper just batted, and outshone his millionaire team mates.

Working Class man of the day

Daniel Flynn is the sort of player this award was made for.

Nothing flashy about the little fellow, but he fights, blocks and gets hit like an old fashioned test batsman.

All this while people of 12 times the talent were playing stupid ass shots around him.

Without him they probably wouldn't have made 100.

Jesse Ryder moment of the day

Lets look beyond his flattened nuts for a minute, how excited was Bill to have him out there.

Bill likes a personality and loves a cult figure, so with Jesse he is getting his fill.

Then Tony joined in, but it felt sick and wrong when he did it.

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Unimaginable cruelty

It’s raining in South Africa.

This is a good thing.

Because watching Bangladesh take on South Africa is like watching the opening scene of Irreversible.

It’s sick and twisted.

Ofcourse I can’t look away.

I’m a sick man, but willing to admit so.

The main problem is Banglaesh have no one who looks like a man.

They have teenage boys who bowl medium fast.

Toddlers who bat.

A captain in short pants.

And a wicket keeper who could be mistaken for a foetus.

We all know that, but the difference is never more evident when they play South Africa, which looking at Graeme Smiths average, must be monthly now.

South Africans are huge.

HUGE.

Morne Morkel is a tall man, hell they must have a stable of guys over 6 foot tall and well built.

South Africans are old.

OLD.

Kallis is 74 this year, Boucher is 73.

South Africans are fat.

FAT.

Smith and Kallis look like they eat a couple of Bangladeshi keepers for breakfast.

Life isn’t fair.

There must be some child welfare agency who is watching this tour, but who just hasn’t stepped in yet.

Where is the public outrage as the huge old fat man beat the living fuck out of these young boys?

Surely there is a problem in the system.

South Africa, sick fuckers that they are seem to play this mob all the time, do they like inflicting pain on little boys.

Ofcourse they do.

But for us sadomasochistic folks, sure is fun to watch.

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Michael Slater, a fan of the balls?

He’s got an usual style Simon Katich. He’s a, His nicknames… Well as a batsman could be crab if you like. Given he has a crab like move across is stumps.

That was Michael Slater on Channel 9's coverage of the cricket.

It went live to air, and literally dozens of people heard it.

Now I am not saying I invented the phrase, but a quick look on googlse suggest i may have been the first to popularise it.

Now, with that in mind, and the fact Slater went to say "His nickname is the crab", i put it to you dear jury was he infact just regurgitating cricket with balls.

Is Michael Slater a fan of cricket with balls?

Stranger things have happened.

Do he and Bill sit at the back of the commentary box sniggling at sex posts about MS Dhoni?

Why not.

Is this time for me to stop with the poor taste Michael Slater Jokes.

Ofcourse not.

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the piach

What sort of wicket are they playing on?

It looks ok.

The ball is not doing anything lethal.

No one can say the bounce or movement is uneven or over the top, and yet no one can make runs on it.

New Zealand couldn’t even bat out two sessions.

Australia might not last much more.

Other than Clarke, Katich and Flynn no one has spent any real time on it.

The journalists are already starting their “no one can play on proper pitch campaigns”, and who can blame them.

Anyone who has seen this test will know that this is not an old fashioned green top.

It’s just that modern batsmen are preserved in cling wrap by never having to play on pitches with life.

This pitch looks like a good one.

Katich seems to have worked it out, and he isn’t in the top 8 most talented batsmen in this match.

The Krab is a street fighter, no doubt, sure I bag him a lot, but most of that is technique based and to do with leaving his home state to captain another.

But the man is a low down and dirty mother fucker, and he seems to have worked this pitch out.

Flynn is in the Katich mould, I have compared him to Langer before, he is a tough sonofabitch.

Not a great deal of talent there, and at times the attacking instincts of an amish assassin, but he is gritty.

So while the pretty boys with their gold cased averages and reputations falter, the ugly bastards are stepping up.

That used to be what happened on green tops, not wickets with a little Winslet curve to them.

And none of this explains Michael Clarke’s 98.

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Dirty Dirk doesn't need a pitch

People wonder why i like Dirty Dirk Nannes.

Today he showed the world.

While Victoria were choking Western Australia, he was taking a break after producing possibly the best bowling figures of all time.

0.1 overs

2 runs

1 wicket

The man is a freakin genius.

Do you know hard that is to do.

It takes a special man, and Dirty Dirk is that man.

He started with a full toss to Kings XI Punjabian Shaun Marsh.

That got him a wicket, Dirk doesn't believe in traditional wickets you see.

And with SOS Marsh out of the way, he obviously thought his job was done, but before he went he gave Luke Pomersbach a couple of beamers too soften him up a bit.

After all, Dirk is nothing if not a team player, but these beamers, both no balls, apparently broke some sort of Peter Roebuck rule, and Dirk was hoisted from the attack.

Job done.

Hit the showers, book some snow trips, clean your sax and watch Gozu.

What a superstar.

He even let Eyelashes Pattinson, brother of Eyelids Pattinson, have all the glory on debut.

A man of the people as well.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside