If I was Shivnarine Chanderpaul

Firstly I would take that stupid black tape off my face.

Then I would retire from International Cricket.

I figure I have like 5 years of County cricket left in me, 2 or 3 of IPL, maybe 2 or 3 of ICL after that.

But I can’t do it if my back is broken.

And I have been carrying this fucking useless excuse for a team for so long now I can hardly fucken walk.

Every fucken time I walk out in the maroons, or my whites with my maroon hat, I have to pick up 10 men, and carry them around for a day, and sometimes 5.

This really ruins the vertebrae.

Today was the perfect situation, we bowled Pakistan out for 230.

I should have had a small role to play, maybe a 30 odd at the end, just a nice little average pumper.

Instead I end making more than half the runs, sure I really boosted the average, but I am sick of this.

I want to play in a team.

When I played for Durham this year, they had other batsmen, and we won.

I liked that.

I would like to do that again, but when I wear Maroons it doesn’t happen.

Instead I have to do everything.

I get to the ground early, I cut the oranges, I roll the joints, I go back to the hotel, make the days lunches, I drive the players bus (bloody Dhoni stole that from me) back to the ground, I sit on Stanford’s lap, I rub sunscreen on Brendan Nash’s pasty white ass, and it’s still not enough.

So this is my retirement.

You useless fuckers can go on without me.

If you get a real team call me, I’ll playing with a winning team in Durham or a real test team in Bangalore.

Thanks for the millions.

Signed

Lord Mega Chief of Gold (Shiv)www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside