Sportsfreak's Application

New Zealand is looking for a new coach, Sportsfreak is applying.

So the job application is out. And the criteria has been set: - “We need a coach who will build on the current solid foundation and take it to the next level."
Given what has occurred over the last 5 years; only one test series win against recognised opposition, and that being against Sri Lanka at home in April, we think we can do that.

So Dr. Vaughan here are the reasons that you must appoint Sportsfreak as the next national coach of New Zealand

I’m keen to do it.
Common thinking is that this job should go to John Wright. There are good reasons for this; his record in England a millennium ago, and his record with India bak in 2001 support this.

But apparently he’s enjoying his time on the lifestyle plot in Canterbury seems to appeal, and he’s hardly rushing at this.

So what kind of signal does that send to the players? Too reluctant; bad signal. And with a group of players who are becoming increasingly renowned for being reluctant, that is just the wrong signal.

I would pick specialist players in specialist positions.
This should not really require clarification, but lets just say you can’t have the best wicket-keeper in the world batting like a 20/20 player in a test at #5, then moving to #3 and fielding on the boundary.

And openers should be openers.

I would pick players in the same position that they play for their province.
James Marshall bats at number 5 for ND, yet is picked as a grossly out of form and out of depth Number 3 in the series against England.

And then there is the opener issue…

If a player, especially a bowler, is slightly injured they will not play.
Simple.

How many times have we gone into a test match with a bowler under an injury cloud and had to cover for him when he’s broken down (Bond, Oram, Cairns etc..) or tried valiantly but obviously not there (Martin)?

I will keep all the High Performance Managers etc well away from Tim Southee.
Think back to Southee’s debut in Napier. The camera pans to the poor teenager on the boundary, and there’s the bearded and over-weight (the first being the bigger crime) Gary Hermanson.

Why?

An entourage of middle-aged men dressed in black-cap shorts and shirts simply look ridiculous. There’s an ex-player famous for drinking OJ, praying, and running out team-mates, and he’s being allowed to play with the mind of our biggest teenage talent since C Cairns came along.

And then there’s Dayle Hadlee. Meddling, interfering, fidgeting, mollycoddling our young players. This will stop when I take charge.

The 3rd day rule
After the 3rd day of every test the team will sit down in front of the video and watch highlights of 4th day train crashes from years gone by.

On so many occasions, NZ had had their nose in front after 3 days, only to lose the test; sometimes by an innings. It might be a stamina thing; probably mental rather than physical. All those ODIs perhaps?

This will be the biggest challenge. But an end of day 3 rark up is clearly going to be targeted motivation.

I will speak English in press conferences.
This will probably disappoint some in the media as the sound bites will run dry. But, strangely, I think it’s quite import that the fans, and players, can understand what is actually going on.

I will not trash talk the opposition.
Especially Australia. What did that outburst at Gilchrist achieve exactly?

When you’re dealing with the best trash-talkers around, just tread carefully.

Not winding everyone up
If we do not have the upper hand during a test, I will not state otherwise.

End of Day 3, and NZ are still in deficit while being 5 wickets down in the second dig, I will not say “We are in a commanding position”. Because, plainly, that’s rubbish.

The days of that kind of talk ended when the US tanks rolled into Baghdad. Obviously I will not run the Italian flag up the pole, but I will not be just out-and-out stupid.

The Australian Assistant Coach
Jrod will be assistant coach. You will note he is an Australian. There is clearly the thinking here that an average Aussie coach is somehow superior to an average coach from anywhere else.

He can concentrate on areas like how to claim dodgy catches, sledging, and how not to walk. And winning.

Player assessments
I will do them on my own thanks. They will be not be conducted by other players who tend to be mates.

Baseball mitts
They re banned from training sessions. If I wanted baseball mitts at training sessions I’d be coaching a team that used baseball mitts when playing. They are still illegal in cricket.

Optional trainings
They’re banned too.

Visualisation
Yup, they will be banned too. Hendrix never practiced using a tennis racket.

So, Dr. Vaughan, there is my plan. Please let me know if you have any queries.

Regards, Sportsfreak

Photo attached

Braces is out, but is Sportsfreak in. Will the Kiwis appoint him, or do they have other ideas, tomorrow, read my application. www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.