Smitty's Application

The applications literally keep coming in. The latest application is from Smitty. His application has a Werribee mention and a shit reference. Top work.

Although not a cricket blogger as such, the interweb is still a rather nice place to pick up on what's happening with all things crickety especially @ CWB.com

So I thought I'd throw my hat into the boxing square for the Nou Zeelund job.

Put simply my cricket expertise can be neatly summationed as the following:

* From 1984 to 1996-ish, was given the Channel Nine Cricket Yearbooks for Christmas, hence I have an astoundingly deep knowledge of how in the name of Glenn Trimble did Stu Gillespie ever play 19 one-dayers, or why Tony Blain was so effing tall for a keeper, that Vaughan Brown ruined Hadlee's 10-for attempt at the Gabba (Sir Richard shoulda just dropped the catch), or why, according to Ian Chappell, Jeremy Coney's name means 'rabbit' in Olde English. Who knew?

* Growing up in Werribee, I had a mate who lived next door to Merv. A hit into the big fella's backyard was not only a six but also a good excuse to maybe catch a glimpse of a hero who was, and is, literally larger than life. Good times.

* Played junior cricket in the Western Suburbs Church League in Melbourne. Also good times. It's not often you see/hear a member of the clergy verbally abuse a young boy (insert your own joke here) and then wish them well after the game.

* Once saw Richie Benaud signing autographs at the SCG, lose his cool and storm off. I'm still not sure what to make of it, Billy Birmingham woulda been proud though.

* Went to every Boxing Day Test from 1988 to 1993 inclusive, thus witnessing John Wright dismissed for 99, which was also the immortal Tony "I lost my outswinger, no, wait, I found it again, no, it's gone" Dodemaide's debut, Bruce Reid's ri-dicu-lous caught and bowled to send Gower on his way minutes after making a typically Gower-esque ton and Warney knocking back a sombereroed Richie Richardson. Better than good times.

So, based on these KPIs, well, you don't have to be Vettori's spectamacles to see where I'm coming from. Or going to.

So, what sort of Kiwi team would I develop?

One that doesn't need brown cordouroy pants every time it gets within sight of a victory ... and clearly I'm not talking about a retro one-day uniform.

Play two keepers, back in the day, Ian Smith and Warren Lees took the field together. Maybe not hand-in-hand but you get the idea. They can sort out who wears the gloves on a paper, rock, scissors basis.

Bring back Murphy Su'a. You can never have enough angry Western Samoans. We might not win matches but by god, we'll win the fights.

Introduce a mandatory 80s Kiwi cricketer moustache rule, they were never better than when Coney, Hadlee, Bruce Edgar, Ewen Chatfield and the rest had some top-lip facial hair. If nothing else, it's harden-up princess time.

Keeping with the stereotypes, can we arrange for Dave Dobbyn, the Finn brothers, Shona Laing and Margaret Urlich to provide pre- and post-match entertainment? If none are available, Max Merritt will suffice.

And for commentary, grab the Kiwi blokes who call the New Zealand Breakers basketball games on Fox Sports. I haven't seen such blatant homerism since Governor Bush called his brother's 2000 Florida election result "fair".

Cheers,
Smitty.

If you think the Black caps could use you, send your application through to cwb@cricketwithballs.com, and i will post it here and your friends can say, wow you were on the balls. www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.