Stanford is back, and so am I, yet again we have players taking on their own, and CWB is here to take you through every last moment.
England V Middlesex, Bourbon Included.
When you have something to say Comment up here, and the page will refresh every 5 minutes or so.
3/95 15 overs
Freddy on.
Big 3 overs for England, if they lose, only winning the 20 million will save their faces, and Malan is a handful and a few extra fingers.
Freddy has bowled 3 yorkers to start with, this is good.
Two off that one, but Freddy is all over this.
Middlesex need alot of runs from the other end next over.
Dot ball, that is like heroin pumped into the heart right now.
6 off the over.
Freddy is Kp's bagman.
3/89 14 overs
Malan has played 5 reverse sweeps for 8 runs off the bat, and two extras.
Joyce has got to score run a ball from now on, Malan must be on strike.
Malan dances down to Patel and whacks a cover drive through Bell's hands to the fence.
Ceci says "KP is a rubbish bowler isn't he? And how many more times are we to see Lord Stanford pressing the flesh?" at least 7 or 8 times a game.
3/81 13 overs
Malan trots down and puts KP into the stands again.
When K is on his pads Malan has trouble, the minute the ball is straight Malan just whacks it.
KP ALMOST DIED.
A return in for the deep hits the top of the stumps and smacks him in the Ishant Sharma.
For a second he looked shabby.
he has bowled ok though, 4 overs and 27 runs.
3/73 12 overs
Joyce is playing the sheet anchor role, he will still be there at the 50 over mark.
Malan runs down the wicket and slogs terribly for one.
49 off 30 to get.
Get Malan, and win.
3/68 13 overs
Ting is fighting on a tuk tuk, malan takes this as his Q and crucnhes KP out of the ground, and hemisphere.
Kp is still bowling well though.
He has got Malan's leading edge 3 or 4 times now.
Malan misses a full toss off the last ball, heartbreaking.
3/58 12 overs
Patel on.
If England break this partnership in the next 6 overs they should win easy.
Malan is convinced reverse sweep is the way to go.
Good first up over for Patel.
3/54 11 overs
Malan reverse sweeps Kp like he is nuthin, and all the way along the ground it still goes to the rope.
Kp is keeping a lid on it.
Len says, "I think England and Middlesex have achieved the impossible, they've subdued a West Indian crowd into near coma.
Swann’s singing voice is delightful btw. I’d like to see him cover an Anthony and the Johnsons number. I won’t have time to hear it myself you understand, but I’m happy to read reviews." I say he would sound great singing I am a bird now.
3/47 10 overs
OUT
Morgan runs down the wicket and slogs it no where and Anderson takes the catch.
Broad has looked good today, although he spent most of hs time bowling to Carter.
Joyce dropped, tough one to Collingwood again.
Dawid Malan in now, the boy can hit, but alot of his reputation is based on one game.
Dave says, "Carter's looking rubbish here - he needs to tread on his stumps and get someone else in." to be fair he probably said it when he was still batting.
Braod bowls a short wide one to malan, sho slaps it over point. He bowled an assfull of those to Carter, and he missed them.
2/42 9 overs
Ting is fighting the guy who trows furniture and everything else at him in the club.
KP on.
Morgan usually plays spin brilliantly.
And England really only has 2 useful part timers.
Two full tosses to start with, but only one run.
Joyce and Morgan are making KP look good.
Pretty good over though for England.
2/39 8 overs
Ting is back in the club, and the Aussie guy, or is it another, is about to fight him.
Bumble says good crowd in, 5000 people, is that good?
Carter on strike, surely Freddy straight through him, or a full toss hit for 2.
OUT
Sumit Patel puts everyone one of us out of Carter's misery.
11 off 27.
Stanford should take him out the back and shoot him.
It was a typical CArter slog accross the line and a top edge, because he isn't good enough.
Eoin Morgan is in, this guy can bat.
Maybe he will wake us up.
Carter may have lost this game for Middlesex.
1/33 7 overs
Carter is still nowhere near it.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
7 off 22
This is embarrassing.
Somebody shoot him, this is shocking.
He is not even getting near them.
And fucken KP drops him, he slogs it sraight up in the air.
Maybe that was a good tactic.
At least Carter hits it, he misses the next one.
1/30 6 overs
Freddy on, Joyce slices it to Collingwood who drops it and it goes for 4.
Ting's chase is on through the streets of Bangkok, he jumps through barbwired for no reason, and it is shown from 3 angles, one after the other.
Freddy is way too good for Carter.
Lots of runs from this over, all from drops and edges.
Ceci seems aggreieved she isn't one of Stanford's lady friends, "Vile Stanford exercising his droit de seigneur with the WAGS there..."
1/20 5 overs
Broad on.
The Carter experiment is not working, he may be able to slog division 2 bowlers, but Simon Jones is not out there.
He is just closing his eyes.
First Stanford sighting, must have been in the "captains room".
Finally smashes one, straight to the field.
I was joking about Stanford having a captains room, and then he is shown with a blonde on his lap.
being rich is cool.
Carter is still missing.
Stanford just kissed the blonde on the head, kissing babies?
She looked so uncomfortable.
Carter slogs one straight up in the air, and gets away with it, 6 lusty swings in that over, for 2 runs.
Stanford's lusty swings looked better.
1/18 4 overs
Ting is fighting in the club now, against his willm and the voice box guy looks angry as he loses money. Ting is about to fight the aussie guy, as the aussie guys are usually the villians in thai films.
OUT
Strauss you idiot. He has the slogger at the other end, and he just slogs and misses it by 3 or 4 feet.
8 from 12.
Sidebottom sort of rejoyces, as Coburg's Own Ed Joyce comes to the crease.
England in a good spot here, Carter looks like going out soon as well.
0/14 3 overs
Strauss almost runs himself out, that is because the balls are heavier, i suppose.
And again.
Anderson has pulled up twice now, his wallet isnt full yet, so that can't be it.
When he finally makes it in, Carter slaps it over mid off.
Carter has scored 4 runs, and had 3 leg byes taken from balls he has been nowhere near.
0/7 2 overs
Sidebottom is on, and he has had his hair cut, and now he really really really looks like a girl.
I'm serious it is a girls hair do, i cannot believe it.
Ting has just made it to Bangkok in Ongbak, missed the bit where he dlimbs the tree and all the boys fall out of the tree.
Sidebottom right on the money.
Great over really.
Carter looked a little out of his depth when on strike.
Sarah says the irish a filthy vermin "Morgan so stood on the rope - body language screamed that!"
0/5 1 over
Anderson bowling, Strauss and Carter (I think) batting, I'm on screw drivers.
He drops short and Strauss turns his hips on it and pulls it to the rope.
A good over with two shit balls.
Len thinks Stanford is into slow foreplay "These first two games haven't exactly been a carnival of cricket. Perhaps they're just luring us in slowly. Nice Ronnie Rosenthal moment from Andrew Struass though..."
My verdict on Swann's singings is a 6, anyone else?
At the half way point here is some entertainment.
Graeme Swann's band.
The trailer for the first innings film.
And the short film Rubber Johnny by English director Chris Cunningham.
CAN MIDDLESEX WIN?
4/121 20 overs
Finn on, and almost clean bowls Shah off the first two balls.
first 3.
Bat on ball Shah?
Maybe 120 is gone.
And Shah chips a single.
120 still a chnce.
Now collingwood is missing, and Ben Scott gets excited and throws a mad bye away.
120 up, congrats.
Single off the last ball.
121.
Great effort Middlesex, this is awesome.
4/118 19 overs
KP's Carter back on.
OUT
I think, was caught on the rope, Freddy slogged it, and now nothing is happening. Freddy got all the way to the rope and Stopped, Dar tried to stop him well before that.
The fielder may have stepped on the rope, Morgan through the ball back with no fan fare, and after 4 minutes, it was given out.
And it just dawned on me that the real story is that someone held a catch.
16 off 17.
Alot of swinging, but didn't look in good touch at all.
Collingwood in, clever thinking.
Neil Carter makes a beaver gesture to someone, i think.
140 is gone.
3/111 18 overs
The second innings film will be Ong-Bak
Finn on, big ask.
Another drop.
Murtagh, was a full toss from Finn and Shah slaps it straight to mid off.
Shah continues to ride his luck with an edge over the keepers head to the rope.
Shah screams for a single, and Ben Scott sasy the cramps are coming now?
What is he saying people?
3/102 17 overs
Barbarella is over, she can catch.
Murtagh back on, and he gives his team mate a knee high full toss that was hit to another island.
That was for Joyce.
Murtagh hits the pitch this time, and Freddy hits the shit out of it, big six again.
Good spell Tim.
3/87 16 overs
Carter back on.
they need 60 from the last 5 to get to 140.
The spin has choked them.
While Freddy is stil there, 140 is a chance, but surely Collingwood can't get in.
last ball Shah hits the ball straight up in the air, Joyce gets under it, and the ball gets under him, he misjudges it badly, and gets up and shrugs it off.
Another victim of the heavier white balls.
3/82 15 overs
Dawid Malan is on with his leggies.
Fucken hell that is ugly.
Who taught this guy to bowl, the elephant man?
I think its Peter McIntyre's action.
But he spins it, so did McIntyre.
3/77 14 overs
Udal completely fools Freddy, who hits the ball up as gently as you can, and Strauss drops it, you cannot believe it.
Strauss takes it seriously by laughing before he drops it.
Fuck that was funny.
It was so easy.
Udal's figures are 4 overs for 14, brilliant stuff from the pensioner.
3/73 13 overs
Kartik has bowled 3 free hits, and has gotten away with everyone.
OUt
Kartik beats Kp in the air, and he is stumped easily by Scotty.
Kartik gives him a death stare send off.
KP made 5.
He did not face Neil Carter.
Freddy comes in wearing Harmison's shirt.
Cozier says he forgot his shirt at the team hotel.
Kartik rips one past him first ball.
And second ball.
He is on fire.
"How does an orgasm machine work?" Smithy asks.
Sort of like a giant Organ, that she is inserted in.
If that makes sense
2/70 12 overs
Barbarella is on the orgams machine, and she is killing it with her raw sexual energy.
Adidas must be wrapped with the Balck bats for KP's first outing with them.
Scott seemed to sledge Shah with an inside joke, I'm sure it was funny.
Spinners have brought down the run rate to under 6.
Mistake not picking Swann?
Great over from Udal.
2/68 11 overs
Barbarella just went through the grotto type place where there is a guy trapped in a bubble.
OUT
Kartik gets a quicker one through Prior.
Clean bowls him, probably good for England, he was in the way.
29 off 32, this is 2020 right?
KP in.
Ben Scott doesn't try and get eye contact with him.
Kartik has bowled two free hits now.
Kp misses it.
Smithy says "When the pink boys learn how to field this could get interestin" even though they did get a run out, he has a point.
1/59 10 overs
Prior cannot read Udal's flight.
Good over buy Udal.
Spinners have done very well.
Ceci wants a drink "Can't cope - pass the Bourbon please - no Harmy - KP can't even bring himself to name Swann as a non-player (strongly suspect Swann does not genuflect in front of Cap'n KP enough), Sid has had a haircut - but did like Andy Roberts single dread."
We all do, not much of a game yet.
1/54 9 overs
England looking for 140 at this stage.
Shah seems to have no sense of humour for any of Scott's shenanigans.
Shah plays a leg glance of Kartik for four.
I can't remember the last one.
Two spinners on i can't check Barbarella or this link..
1/44 8 overs
Udal is on, and out foxes Prior first ball, but it drops in the gap.
Udal and kartik are Middlesex's money men, if they can tie these two down it could hurt englnad.
Prior should have been run out again, but poor throw by kartk saves him.
Bell and Prior are running like shit.
OUT
Finally Middlesex get it right, well Carter does and Bell has been run out, there was no run there, Bell did well to only just get run out.
23 off 25, Bell is not an asshole of a 2020 opener.
Shah in.
I wish i could hear the sledging now, Ben Scott is trying to get eye contact with Shah, its romantic.
Great over by Udal.
0/41 7 overs
Barbarella is now about to be given to the birds.
And kartik is on.
First ball Bell plays an ugly sweep.
England need to hit out now, I think Ben Scott may have just said so.
Good base, but what is the point at going for run a ball after 7.
Good over Kartik.
0/36 6 overs
Finn no balls to start the over, no cheer from the crowd, no one cares.
Bell gets caught off the free hit, one drop, one out off a free hit could be big night for him.
Finn could have run Prior out, but instead his limbs knocked the stumps over.
Haysman is all over Taufel, no not liek that.
Wickets would be nice.
0/29 5 overs
Carter and Finn are flying through.
Bell plays a shocker of a hook shot, but without a fine leg it goes for four.
Middlesex need wickets.
0/21 4 overs
Bowling change already, Steven Finn is on, he is 100 foot tall.
Not many people know this but Steven Finn is related to the Finn brothers from New Zealand.
Prior always hated Crowded House so he smacks him through cover.
Finn is pushing 90 miles.
He may be the definition of 'all legs'.
Bumble has just slated Graeme Swanns band, now i have to hear them, if anyone can put the link in the comments, i would be appreciative.
Good first over from Finn, looks a good type.
0/17 3 overs
Barbarella has just woken up in the birds nest after shagging the flying dude.
This obviously put off Kartik, as he dropped a dolly at slip. Murtagh encouraged the nick and Belly obliged.
Was a sitter.
Cozier went for the Iraq war veteran joke, you know the one.
Outfield is still slow as.
0/11 2 overs
KP's Neil Carter is on at the other end.
Starts with a wide, lets hope he can get them on line when he bowls to KP.
Carter plays under 16 cricket, he opens the batting and bowling.
Bowls pretty quick too, if he wasn't 56 he could get a game for South Africa.
Alot of nice shots by the ECB, but haven't picked the gaps yet.
The legend players had on stupid orange shirts last night, today they have on a much more respectable blue.
0/7 1 over
Bell & Prior opening up with Cozier and Bumble.
Cozier says this is the first time he has seen the English team play one of their county teams in the Caribbean. Really?
The bowler was not mentioned before he was hit for a four first nut.
It was Dirty Dirk's mate Tim Murtagh, not the best start.
Murtagh moving the ball around a tad in the air.
Bell's bat looks like it was painted by a 4 year old.
Shocking miss field from Udal, only 2 from it.
21:29
Barbarella has just had her first lay, and she likes it so much she wears a tail.
21:27
The team lists as stolen from Cric Info.
England 1 Matt Prior (wk), 2 Ian Bell, 3 Kevin Pietersen (capt), 4 Paul Collingwood, 5 Andrew Flintoff, 6 Owais Shah, 7 Luke Wright, 8 Stuart Broad, 9 Samit Patel, 10 Ryan Sidebottom, 11 James Anderson.
Middlesex 1 Andrew Strauss, 2 Ed Joyce, 3 Steve Finn, 4 Eoin Morgan, 5 Dawid Malan, 6 Neil Dexter, 7 Ben Scott (wk), 8 Tim Murtagh, 9 Neil Carter, 10 Shaun Udal (capt), 11 Murali Kartik.
21:25
Barbarella has just entered the ice ship with the dude wearing a gorilla suit, she is now making love to him. What a trooper.
21:20
As I am missing Barbarella to bring this to you tonight, from time to time i will flick channels, and give you updates on that masterpiece.
21:15
KP wins the toss and they will bat.
21:10
Bad news sports fans, two ommissions, one huge, one not so important.
The huge one is Tyrone Henderson, the South African 70's porn star, a man who was made for 2020 cricket and nothing else.
The other one is Harmison.
Quickly read Kp pretend he has morals here.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside
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