Monty, you're a starfish

I had high hopes for Monty Panesar.

The first reports were he could really bowl.

That he could really not bat.

And that he fielded like a particularly uncoordinated cerebral palsy afflicted platypus.

None of these are true.

His bowling is average, it’s not Ashley Giles bad, but its not Murali good.

His batting is pretty ordinary, but it’s not laugh until you need to pee ordinary like Chris Martin, it’s more vanilla ordinary.

His fielding is pretty crap, but it’s not you could watch him all day crap.

In a word he is Meh.

He is just another left arm tweaker from England.

He doesn’t really spin the ball all that much.

He doesn’t really instil fear into opposition batsman.

He averages over 32 with the rock.

He doesn’t take drugs, or say odd things.

He doesn’t seem to have a personality at all.

He is possibly the dullest cult figure in the history of English sports.

There is nothing controversial about the man.

There are only two things I like about him, his running style, he looks like a child imitating a robot, and the fact he ended the misery of having to watch Ashley Giles.

Everything else is meh.

I’ve wanted to like him for a couple of seasons, but I can’t do it.

A man can’t make love to a stone Monty.

I need something from you.

An x factor.

A y chromosome.

Tell us you slept with a man.

Show us your third nipple.

Start sledging in pig latin.

Take big bags of wickets.

Regail us with tails as your life as a CIA operative.

Give us something Monty.

If not, they I’m afraid your done here.

I have already started seeing a younger man.

Adil is the twice the spinner you are, which means he is a leggie.

He can actually bat, and he comes from Yorkshire.

Plus he is way more exotic than you are.

Monty, you are going on the players we hate list.

Mostly because we don’t have a players we meh list.

Monty, if that is your real name, if you want to come off the list, start performing like a cult figure, or at least give us a rest from the Ashley Giles impersonation....
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