This is Sportsfreak non jizz mopping rebuttal to my post about KP.
Some think KP lives in a fairytale. KP thinks he lives in a fairy tale.
A fairy tale where he can declare he feels very, very loved when scoring a test century at Lords. And that was before he was made captain.
Probably not the saccharine Disney type of fairy tale, but more the more modern Roy of the Rovers type fairytale, which was so popular in his adopted country around 50 years ago. Or perhaps even Billy the Fish.
You know the type.
He has never actually said he was bullied as a child in South Africa, but you can read that into the early chapters of this epic tale if you like.
But life was tough; make no mistake about that. And in any fairytale, Roy of the Rovers comic, and even modern Soap Opera, you must start from humble beginnings, and the evil that confronts you must be one-dimensional.
In our hero’s case it was the complicated world of South African sporting politics, and the fact that not all spaces in the team were reserved for white people. That, and growing up with Graeme Smith.
So KP huffed and puffed and made his way to a foreign land, where he could start a new life far away from home.
As George Lucas would tell you, in any good ripping yarn, the young hero must encounter his evil oppressors early; ideally at a stage where he has yet to learn his craft fully.
And look at that; so it was to pass. KP’s first trip was to the Evil Empire of South Africa, where the mean army of supporters of that Evil Empire turned their big hairy backs on him as he came out to bat.
These were only ODIs, but the script was hardly going to throw in the ultimate challenge before the book was half-way complete, or when the jaffas had barely been opened.
But he kept us on the edge of our seats. 3 centuries in 5 matches. A brave new pup was ready to claim whatever could be thrown at him. And within a year he was getting publicly drunk with the rest of them after he’d helped slay the biggest foe of them all.
The next few years saw one of those boring flat patches you get in stories, as you skim thorough the pages or Fast-Forward on the remote looking for the next battle. In short, he matured as a man, but you probably saw that movie too.
So, after a mysterious illness struck down his former leader, he made his debut as captain of his new land last week. Of course, it was not in a test that matters; that key chapter awaits.
So the new grown man is now Ruler of the Proud Nation.
His Rightful Place.
He has said he wants to be His Man, and a Modern Man.
There is no doubt KP is a modern man. There are lots of ways of working that out. The ever-changing hair cuts (the skunk one adding the comic relief which is needed in all stories), the ostentatious bling, and the clichéd iron on patriotic tattoos.
The tattoos are one of the few examples of bad script-writing really. If he was a true Englishman, they would be of his football club.
Never mind that detail. Being a modern guy, he likes the cameras being on him. The star of the story if you like. Note how he mastered a new range of stares, grimaces, and thoughtful poses for his test captaincy debut. He knew better than anyone that the cameras would be on him for a minute an over.
Of course, he started this reign with a century which turned out to be a match-winning innings in this meaningless match. Could he also strike the last blow?
Well there’s a twist; it was not to be.
But in the end it wasn’t some wicked demented gladiator like Nel, or wily Dark Knight Ntini, or even young but evil Prince Charming Morkel who ruined the traditional Roy of the Rovers ending.
No, it was Paul Harris, who is more like one of those unco extras that nobody notices in a Lord of the Rings film.
Now what kind of ending is that?
It’s the kind of non-ending you get in a soap opera. Tune in next time, and you will get more of The Adventures of KP. So Don’t believe a word of it ; he does write his own scripts.
He triumphed once more, and there are new episodes ahead.
Like the sands through the hour-glass…
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