Today, I am answering letters from distressed cricketers, with compassion and kindness.
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Dear Mims
I've had a rough few weeks. I've worked hard this year, laid off the pies, led my team to two limited-overs finals but lost them both.
I tried to keep my cool, not like last year when I got in an understandable strop and flung my bat across the boundary rope when some cheat claimed a grounded catch, but it hurts so much.
And, and, my team don't get to play in the superleague thingy because of a few individuals ruining it for everyone.
I just want the chance to wear the lid of a trophy on my head again. How do I get through this painful episode?
From KeyMan of Kent
Dear KeyMan of Kent
Oh sweetheart. Perhaps you should go play in the next ICL. I mean, what can you possibly have to lose? Before that, though, please could you let me pinch your cheeks? I've wanted to do that for ages.
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Dear Mims
I've just won a trophy with my county and am very excited.
However, a couple of people started saying that I wear eyeliner and mascara and now everyone is teasing me about it. It's embarrassingly emasculating.
How do I bring my manliness back?
From FEC AC
Dear FEC AC
First, I'm not sure what you mean about bringing your manliness "back".
Secondly, if you wear very dark brown instead of black, you'll find it looks a lot more natural.
Very few people have the colouring to get away with jet black eye makeup. If you were Asian you might be able to, but then people would start describing you as "wristy" and you strike me as the sensitive sort who would take this the wrong way and think it was a masturbation joke.
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Dear Mims
I was called up to play for the country of my birth, and it hasn't quite been the dream that I'd had in my mind ever since that call up 48 hours before the match.
It all started with my kids trying to get me to decline it so that I could be eligible for Australia, although I think they were just cross at missing their trip to Alton Towers; I know I'm never going to get a call up for Australia because I don't have an Australian passport.
I performed ok on debut, I thought. I mean, I never said I'd be Ajantha Mendis or anything.
But I now wonder whether I was a means to an end to ease out the captain, who I'll be honest didn't really seem to like me. I feel so used.
From Dandy Roofer
Dear Dandy Roofer
You can't put a price on the cult status, though, and you can expect to have a sports facility in Grimsby named after you at some point.
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Dear Mims
I've just been promoted to a new position and I'm worried that some people don't think my heart is really in it. They think that I don't have the passion to lead a country that I adopted.
But I've got an England tattoo. I've married an English girl. I drink tea and warm beer. I now know to say barbecue instead of braai.
I've tried everything, right down to the No.1 haircut and flashy jewellery that my friends assured me would make me fit in on any British high street. What on earth can I do?
Captain Fantastic
Dear Captain Fantastic
Cry in public. Cry your face off, and then cry some more. People will then come up to you and hug you in the street.
www.cricketwithballs.com... fighting the war on tony greig
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