new bushrangers blog

Want to hear about Victoria, ofcourse you do, press here.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

odd conspiracy theories

Cricket fans are an odd bunch, they are pretty much all good looking, extremely intelligent and brilliant in the sack.

Occasionally they do come up with theories that have no basis in fact or common sense.

Let me tell you about some of my favourite ones.

My father hated Kerry Packer, almost as much as I hate his scientologist son James.

During the late 80’s and early 90’s this was at its worst.

If a team won a one day game when they were the underdog, dad was at his worst. Bloody Packer is rigging the matches again, even I couldn’t get out to this mob. This coming from a man that spent 25 years batting at 11.

But the one series I really remember was against India. It was the finals and Australia was playing a shocker. Eventually an Indian batsman hit the ball straight up in the air off Steve Waugh, it went 83 miles in the air and Steve found himself under it.

Somehow he dropped it.

This led my father into a tirade about how Australia were losing the game on purpose, so the series would go into a third deciding game.

Now even the casual cricket fan would know that of all people in world cricket, Steve would be the last player to throw a game of cricket for his country. And even my dad knows this, but at that one moment his extreme hatred of Kerry Packer took over and poor Steve and his fumbled attempt were chief scapegoat.

Another great theory is our Sime. The man who longs for the glory days when Geoffrey Marsh averaged mid thirties and was thought of as a good opening batsmen.

His hatred of KP is as virile, as it is unfounded. He believes the man is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with the current generation of cricketers.

He plays across the line, he’s South African, his mouth is bigger than his talent, he has weird hair do’s and he’s not a test cricketers @sshole (his words not mine).

Even when KP was smashing McGrath and Warne, Sime would not rate him.

It is the Warne & KP relationship where Sime takes his hatred of KP to all new levels.

The 2005 ashes series was a pretty close affair, and on the last day had Australia bowled out England, Freddie’s drinking problem wouldn’t be so bad. Early on, KP got an edge to first slip, where Warne his Hampshire team mate was standing.

Contrary to the perception the Australian media purports, Australians do drop catches. And even though Warne almost single handedly won us that series with the bat and ball, his one big mistake was what probably cost them victory on that day.

This now leads Sime to slightly entertain the thought that maybe Warne was giving his mate a chance, and that it backfired, as KP spent all day in the middle saving the series for England.

Warne giving a South African born English cricketer a chance in the 4th innings of a game Australia has to win to save the series, how likely is that? Friendship or no friendship, that seems insane.

And what is my conspiracy theory, I believe Sourav Ganguly is a giant alien lizard.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Another reason to love port elizabeth

...
Australia beating the very confident Indians, quite easily, at the G, was very satisfying for me.

But compared to the West Indies beating Evil South Africa at my favourite non Melbourne cricket ground, it was chicken feed.

Call me a sadist, but at least let me whip you when you do, but I much prefer to watch South Africa humiliate themselves than Australia record another comfortable victory.

Great moments from the PE game.

A pair for the confused match fixer.

A dodgy decision for their chunky proboter.

Captain falling to a short ball he fended with all the grace of Sourav Ganguly.

Their top order collapsed twice.

The destroyer of New Zealand became New Zealand.

Andre Nel remained crazy.

Dwayne Bravo finally won a test.

Chris Gayle smoted them.

And South Africa’s ©rap record at PE was strengthened.

Even if this isn’t the reemergence of the West Indies, for now it will do.

In other news, two teams tied for second place in the ICC test rankings lost their boxing day tests.

One lost to the number one side, no great surprise their, the other to the number 8 side that hasn’t won a test since Lindsay Lohan was still sober.

So if South Africa somehow lost this series, and when India lose this series, they could both go behind England, by my guestimations.

4th and 5th on the ladder, that should calm them both down for a while.

How cool.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

how to be johnny cash

Sitting at the G watching India, my hangover making it a long day, I’m reminded how shizenhouse India are in the field, as fielders and in keeping the pressure on.

They amount of time their players stroll to a ball, dive over a ball, throw like a 12 year old girl, or dawdle between overs is amazing.

If I was coaching a junior side who fielded like this I’d drop the whole team, but then again, I’m an @sshole.

Most cricket pundits believe India will be the next number one team in world cricket.

From time to time I am one of those people, not today though.

If a country has a kabillion people, most of which are obsessed with the sport, it makes sense that they will eventually take over world cricket.

You can correct me if you think I’m wrong, but 4 sides have been the best nation in the world at different times.

Australia, for most of the time.

South Africa just before apartied.

West Indies late seventies to mid nineties.

And England for the times Australia allowed them, mostly before Hitler killed his dog.

Australia’s game plan has always been pretty similar, don’t back down, keep the pressure on, always attack, back yourself and do all the little things right.

The West Indies bullied you with bouncers and bounaries.

South Africa just had a class team of all rounders, gun batsmen and quick bowlers.

England, were lucky that others weren’t any good at those times.

Discounting England, as I often do, these teams were different, but had one noticeable similarity, brilliant fielders.

Over the years India have had some fair fielders, Azharuddin and a bunch of awesome short leg fielders immediately come to mind.

Mostly the fielding in India test teams is worse than any first grade side in Australia.

Bad fielding is one thing, but when included with shocking running between wickets and lack of urgency in the field , it looks even worse.

If cricket were all about batting and bowling India would definitely be the next country to take over.

It’s about runs and wickets though.

Hitting a pretty cover drive may get you 4 runs, but 4 nudges will get you the same.

Bowling an unplayable wrong un gets a wicket, but so does a direct hit from cover.

For India to ever get to the top of world cricket they will need to improve the parts of their game, that in reality should be the easiest to fix.

The hard bit is finding someone who can bowl like Kumble or bat like Laxman, the easy bit (in theory) is teaching them to run, and field.

Cricket is a multi dimensional game, much more so than hurdles or hop scotch, and you need to make sure your team is constantly working on all facets of the game, not just the cool ones.

India who do you want to be, Waylon Jennings or Johnny Cash?www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

game over man, game over

Final day wrap up.

India fail all psychological exams.

Johnson and Hogg book next test.

Ganguly almost proves he has mettle.

The G holds up pretty well for a cr@p pitch, ie no shooters.

Australia win easily, very easily, extrememly easily, really fu(c)ken easily.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

whities afraid of darkies

...
The talk in Australia now is that we shouldn’t tour Pakistan now Bhuto has been bowled over.

The minute there is some unrest in any country Australia and even New Zealand think about boycotting tours there.

Actually that’s not true, if the unrest is in a country of darker coloured people, us whiteys start to get nervous, we hold hasty meetings and make sure everyone knows we don’t want to come.

If the unrest is in a country of white people, we don’t worry so much.

Bhuto was assassinated. It wasn’t a terrorist attack. She was killed for her beliefs and ideals. A terrorist attacks the government, she is an ex politician.

During the famous 2005 ashes series, English born terrorists attacked London.

Australia were playing England the day it happened.

There was never any serious talk about the series being cancelled, even though the attacks were against western belief systems in general, so the Aussies were a potentional target.

Had that tour have been in Sri Lanka or the West Indies the talk in the Aussie media would have been to cancel the tour and get our boys home.

Games against Sri Lanka have been cancelled before due to civil unrest, yet again, not a direct threat, or even a possible threat to the Australian team.

Al Qeada, the Taliban and bunches of other militant Muslim extremists have always lived in Pakistan. The Tamils have always been in Sri Lanka. IRA were active during a bunch of Ashes tours. And the CIA is always planning something dodgy in all countries at all times.

Even our Imran is an extremist.

But cricket still goes on, mostly.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

session updatetea day four

Sachin got one that bounced more than he thought. He did look quite comfortable before that. Farewell little fella the G will miss you.

Laxman got stuck at Clarks end with good bowling and great fielding. Clark continued to work him over until he was out.

Brett Lee got into Ganguly with his first nut. That is my kind of test cricket. Ganguly handled the sledging a lot better than he handled the bouncer which he almost wore.

So far Harbhajan “rent a quote” Singh’s comments about destroying Hogg have not come true. He has given them enough chances, half trackers, full tosses and a lot of average deliveries. Somehow Yuvraj got lost in front of a flat one from leg stump and now the tongue is a certainty for Sydney. Sorry bryce, I tried.

Ganguly is batting quite well, he came out and batted. Not stood there until his wicket was taken like a certain other elderly Indian batsmen I could mention.

Mind you he then collapsed from the heat, an Indian collapsing in the heat of Melbourne, no wonder I didn’t go to the game today. Might be from all those two’s he was jogging.

The game is going in a predictable direction right now.

Dhoni looked all at sea, this aint 2020 friend.

This is the last session update of the day.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

session update lunch day four

No one loves a hand made sign more than an overweight American, but Indians do push them. They quite often make no sense to anyone who speaks English, and are held by middle aged Indians who smile like they just shot a load in the missus.

Tony Greig made a comment about the fact Roy had started to get reverse swing, shame it was only 6 overs into his spell, and he had been reverse swinging it since his first over. What do these guys get paid for?

Last night Harbhajan said they intended to win the series, he also said this was a good wicket to bat on. Reminds me of the political commentator who says a lot of really intelligent things, then he mentions that all American presidents and the British Royal family are giant alien lizards, and you start to question his original comments.

Rahul dug himself into crease, he may have used the same shovel I was going to use to bury him with. Then a Roy off spinner beat him and I put him in the back of a truck and drove for Whittlesea.

Jaffer looks suspect outside off stump, which for an opener is never a good thing. He was in such good form he edged Brett Lee twice in one over.

Brad Hogg came on and all the pressure they had built up disappeared in one over. He did start to bowl better after that, but after overs of intense pressure the tongue let it go for a moment, Australia selectors don’t like that, he needs wickets, he is very lucky McGain doesn’t have any first class games between now and Sydney.

Gilly missed a stumping down the leg side off Roy. Healy made excuses for him. Sorry Gilly, but not good enough. The only wicket keeper that mattered, Darren Chuck Berry, used to take stumpings down the leg side off Pistol Paul Reiffel at full pace on worse pitches than this.

India did exactly what I thought they would do, they allowed themselves to be kept at one end, so the Australian bowlers could work them over.

Johnson needs wickets, Tait is foaming at the mouth every time an Indian plays the short ball badly, and the selectors want him in there.

Oh I didn’t go to the cricket today, too hot.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Book Review - Silence of the Heart by David Frith

Many commentators have said that cricket is, when you break it down to its purest essences, just a game. This definition is certainly simplistic, and perhaps even a little sacrilegious for many, but ultimately it is true. Nonetheless, cricket is a subject that arouses great passions in people all around the world, and the results of either their team or their own performances can have a decided impact upon an individual’s state of mind. Cricket has also been called a team game played between individuals. Sadly, cricket has attracted many participants who have battled themselves and their own inner daemons as much as any opposition players. David Frith’s book, Silence of the Heart (originally published as ‘By His Own Hand’), is a look at the tragedy of those cricketing heroes who were unable to cope with the demands of an existence post-cricket, and who sadly chose to end their own life.

Suicide would appear to be a very strange topic for a cricketing book, and without reading Frith’s work, it certainly appears quite macabre on face value. However, Frith has managed to look at many cricketers who have killed themselves, and produced one of the most fascinating books on the sport. Cricket has a suicide rate that exceeds the national averages for the respective cricketing nations, and it is estimated that more than one hundred and fifty professional cricketers have chosen to end their own lives. The hallmark of all Frith’s books is impeccable research, however, in Silence of the Heart he also manages to write with great poignancy and respect for the individuals concerned.

It is possible to read the book from start to finish, but the subject matter almost encourages the reader to instead take a more measured approach and dip into it over a period of time. Frith has written the book as a mini-biography of selected players, which allows the reader to take the time to examine and evaluate each individual situation without becoming overwhelmed by underlying sadness that each case invokes.

Frith’s research records the famous to the almost unknown, from legends of the past such as Shrewsbury and Stoddart through to more recent cases such as David Bairstow. However, it does not, and could not, provide the answers to why. Whilst some of the suicides described could be understood in the light of financial pressure, marital breakup or depression, others remain a complete mystery. One of the most striking aspects of the book for me personally were the pictures; you can see the face each cricketer presented to the outside world, but their inner turmoil remains hidden. Looking at the many photos of smiling and seemingly happy cricketers affected me more than I would have thought. I look back now and I know what fate is to befall the person in the photo, but they appear ignorant of their future despair. I can’t help but wonder what more could have been done to help them.

This is ultimately a very sad and moving book, but one of great value to both cricket lovers and the wider community. 4 stars.

kill the evil doers

There is no greater joy than watching South Africa get trounced.

Ok, there are greater joys, but only a few.

The West Indies are completely ahead in their current test, having scored over 400 and having South Africa 5/120 at stumps on day 2.

They are still a fair way from victory, but the signs are good.

I know I sometimes go over the top with Chris Gayle, like here and here, but he is very responsible for the position the Windies find themselves in.

The evil empire thought that by sending the Windies in they could destroy their average batting line up and therefore win the series on the first morning.

Gayle had other ideas.

He liquefied the evil empires bowling attack.

Steyn was expecting to be treated like a fast bowling God, instead he was treated like Nathan Astle.

Ntini stormed in at a million miles an hour, and was hit away at a billion.

Nel was angry, and slightly insane. No real change there.

One man can change a series in a session, which is why for every three proboters I’d take a real cricketer any day of the week, even on a wednesday.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

trains, strpiey shirts and yuvraj

After a fairly large day yesterday, drinks wise, I decided quite logically that the morning session wasn’t for me today.

I arrived just as lunch finished, having watched the first session on the telly.

My highlight of the day occurred before I arrived at the game, when two young ladies, with ample breastages, played a game on the train where they tried to throw paper into each others cleavage.

Unfortunately this game only lasted a 2020 amount of time, not the full 5 days.

The first two things I noticed at the ground were the exceptionally large number of stripey shirts in the members, and Yuvraj being a grumpy muppet on the ground.

Yuvraj is probably my favourite cricketer at the moment, but it was poor form, he is usually the best Indian fielder but today he was more like Sourav. The Indian intensity was still hopeless for most of the day, until Kartik came out, he seemed to give them some energy.

Kumble may be a good leader, but his field positions are pretty ugly. Deep points for no reasons, and every field that Harbhajan ever had was cr@p. Roy & Pup milked him like two newborns stuck on each breast.

Australia still struggled with the pitch a little, every player except Ponting got a start, but on this wicket when you’re in your still not in.

Did that make sense?

It is hilarious that a drop in pitch can still play the exact same way as the G wicket did 30 years ago. Is Michael J Fox the curator of these wickets?

Twas a pretty good day of test cricket today, 7 wickets, 320 runs, and Roy getting bowled off a no ball and then taking a single.

Not bad.

Hayden was the only batsmen to look really at home all day, but jacques and clarke both did well.

Khan bowled sexy as hell when it was reverse swinging. Kumble and Singh both bowled ok, but never really threatened.

Must admit by tea my hangover was starting to wear me down, but I soldiered on, the website is called cricket with balls, not cricket with cup cakes.

India now only need 499 runs to win the match, they should have that by tea on day 5.

Wonder if I’ll wake up in time to see the morning session…www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

How to bat when you’re an old man.

...
Sanath gave us some good pointers on this recently.

You know you aren’t the man you used to be, but you still want to make a difference.

You know your aura is enough to bluff the bowlers, then all you do is back your ability and play aggressive shots so the opposition think back to all the other times you smashed them.

You probably won’t make a huge score, but you will score runs at a quick rate, the crowd will be happy, you will be happy and your positive outlook is a good thing for the younger cricketers to see.

This is what Sachin did yesterday.

We’ve all seen him bat better, but he was the only batsmen willing to play his shots and really take Australia on. And surprise surprise he was the one who made runs.

Dravid batted like a man who had just been gelded. It was ugly to watch, and the fact a batsmen like that could be given a Bronx cheer for finally getting off the mark is horrible.

If Dravid was my dog, I’d take him out to the country and take a shovel.

Why you would make a former champion open the batting, when he is passed it, against the best bowling attack in the world?

It’s dumb.

He and Jaffer set the tone for India’s innings by not scoring runs. That is the currency you generally win matches with. Why a batsmen as smart as Dravid would want to sit at one end and let a young quick dominate him is beyond me.

If Dravid continues to play, I think he should take a leaf out of Sachin or Sanaths book and swing from his old mechanical hip.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

343

It’s funny how 343 isn’t a good score anymore.

Sime was devastated that Australia had failed, people were talking about how Kumble had destroyed them, even Soulberry said that after yesterday Australia had fought back.

I think everyone got a bit ahead of themselves. Any score over 300 is good on this pitch this year.

I have repeated this fact so many times, Victoria has only managed to scrape their way to 400 twice this year.

Western Australia won a match outright here when they made 270. It just isn’t a friendly track to bat on.

Everyone is so used to benign tracks and Australia scoring over 500 that anything less is horrible.

For the first time in history I agreed with Tony Greig when after day one he said, I think I’ll wait to see how the Indians go before assessing Australias score.

Now 343 looks good enough to win a whole test, which is a nice change from 5 dec for 553.

Other quick points, Symonds and Hayden looked injured to me yesterday.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

yuvraj and the umpire

Some Indians I’m not saying any names, are already moaning about umpire decisions.

You could argue that Yuvraj got a shocker, but you could also argue that he nicked one before that and got given not out.

Regardless, if you sit on the crease and let Clark & Lee work on you ball after ball, the umpires are going to get a lot of chances to make a mistake.

However, if you rotate the strike and find yourself at the non strikers end a lot, it’s much harder to be given a bum call.

Remember singles?www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

The amazing crab-man

Idiosyncratic, crab-like and with extraordinary powers of concentration, Shivnarine Chanderpaul is in the midst of a quite phenomenal streak of form. He has scored at least 50 in each of his past seven Test innings - equalling the world record - but, more incredibly still, he has top-scored for West Indies in every of those innings.

Chanderpaul's batting seldom invites gushing tributes. He is not, and would never claim to be, any sort of stylist. But, as the unique way in which he marks his guard - with a bail - demonstrates, he has no qualms about not doing things by the coaching book. Almost uniquely amongst batsmen with comparable records, he virtually eschews the V as an area in which to score runs. His trigger movement may look bizarre, but it has helped him establish one of the finest defensive techniques in the world today. As importantly, he is the most phlegmatic of players. As if in a cocoon, he is content to leave balls indefatigably without seeming the slightest bit concerned. But he is invariably ruthless with loose balls outside off stump and with anything on his pads, flicking the ball to the legside boundary with tremendous placement.

How does one ruffle him? His technique occasionally leaves him susceptible to losing his balance early on in his innings. Over his 105-Test career, he has struggled relatively speaking, in South Africa, New Zealand and Australia, averaging between 29 and 35 in each country. But, as he demonstrated today in his 253-ball vigil against a powerful pace-bowling attack, Chanderpaul is a better player than ever before now; his improved pull-shot makes him more comfortable dealing with pace bowling. Another weakness, oddly for a man for whom concentration has been so fundamental, has been his ability to convert 50s into centuries. But, much like another resourceful left-hander, Graham Thorpe, as his career has gone on Chanderpaul has learnt the art of conversion. He is now onto 17 Test centuries, though it would have surely been more had he not been handicapped by the perennial brittleness of the West Indian tail. But to his great credit, and unlike other players who place such a premium on their wicket, Chanderpaul is able to play a more expansive game when surrounded by tailenders.

At 33, Chanderpaul is in the form of his life. His sequence of epic innings in England defined the series in a manner almost unheard of for a man on the losing side. He averaged a scarcely believable 12 hours between dismissals. Chanderpaul is a certainty to be one of Wisden's Five Crickters of the Year - and a worthy candidate for Wisden's Leading Cricketer of the Year for 2007. He has indisputably raised his game after the retirement of Brian Lara, and should now have greatness in his sights. And, happily, it seems some of his team-mates are beginning to follow his lead.

my belated report

I’ve written this three times, but due to the mcg’s wireless network and my parent’s computer it hasn’t been public.

So just in case my parent’s computer dies again I’ll write a simple version.

Dravid â€" sh1te, really sh1te, looked so far gone, you’d be hard pressed to realize who it was.

Tendulkar â€" really good, maybe not the Sachin of old, but enough to remind us of who he was.

Rest of India’s woeful batting line up â€" Sh1te, utter sh1te, really utter defensive sh1te. Have to wonder how they intended to make more than 343 runs by batting like pansies.

Lee, Clark and Johnson, bowled a pretty handy line and length on a wicket that is more than a little hard to bat on, but their great figures were more to do with India’s complete lack of genetalia.

Hogg â€" was lucky because after Sachin and even prince lord snooty smacked him, managed to slow down a batting order that batted at less than 2 runs an over all day to 5 runs an over. Then he got out Ganguly with one that went out underground.

The whole Mcg crowd was wondering where Bryce McGain was, or was that just me?

I will be back tomorrow, and hopefully my wireless access will work, or even better I’ll remain sober.

This was written after alot of lemonade, so if it doesn't make sense i'm sorry.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Boxing Day Test #1

It was a very interesting opening day of the Boxing Day Test at Uncle J-Rod's 'G.

At days conclusion I would have to say the visiting team took the honours.........something very rare indeed. With a day with the bat to come, up against Australia's weakest displine - bowling - , India may continue to hold the whip hand.

Australia had the fortune of winning the toss on what looked to be a good batting wicket. In typical fashion the openers were pro-active from the start, with large slices of luck mind you, but who dares wins. Khan and Singh were getting plenty of good swing early on. The turning point for me came after an hour or so, around the time the ball got a little softer and the swing began to disappear. The openers weathered the early storm and I felt the above mentioned opening bowlers began to panic slighly and bowled miles to full from then on. Things were looking very ominous.........we've all seen it many times over for years now. The whole series was on the line.

Enter Anil Kumble. He's been around for ever, but this time he is captain. In a single afternoon, when the heat was well and truely on, he responded. Showing all his guile and skill Kumble changed the face of the game taking five wickets and playing a huge hand in restricting Australia to 9/337 come stumps. A far cry from o/134 when he coaxed Jacques fataly out of his ground for a well made, yet at times, crab like 66.

Kumble rose to the occasion and bowled a captains spell, leading by example with the ball, inspiring his side. He is to be commended for a bold showing.

The same can't be said about Michael Clarke and Adam Gilchrist. Clarke, a very high profile personality, had a golden opportunity to perform on the big stage, when Australia needed him most and push forward his claims to one day ascend to the captaincy.........something that, up until now has just been paper talk.

Well, unlike Kumble, he failed spectacularly, making a very scratchy and nervous looking 20. Gilchrist too, had a big opportunity, but like many other times he played a reckless shot to Kumble and was out for 23. For all the praise heaped on Gilchrist as well as his inglorious headline grabbing sessions, I am disappointed he doesn't stand up more often than he does in Test match situations with the bat.

Matthew Hayden deserves praise for his magnficient innings saving effort, which has recieved less than it's far share in this column, but regular readers will be aware of how highly I rate Hayden and his contributions to the side.

Day 2 promises to be very interesting.......www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Boxing Day Test #2

The second Test match in progress, beginning on Boxing day is out of South Africa, with the home nation hosting the once mighty West Indies.

The West Indies were sent in and quite suprisingly have made a very strong fist of things up until tea time. Gayle and Ganga, a ying and yang combination if you have ever seen one, put on a very solid and relatively risk free 98 for the first wicket. Gayle contributed 66 and Ganga 33.

Dale Steyn has continued his good form bowling fast, but at times a little wayward. Marlon Samuels has moved onto a well made 45 and the great rock Chanderpaul has just joined him at the crease. This pair has seen the score move onto 3/193.

The immortal Graeme Smith has reached a milestone, captaining South Africa for the 50th time in Test cricket........quite amazing for a no talent thug wanna be. He moves within 3 Tests of tieing the equally impressive individual, the late great Hansie Cronje, who we all remember for almost single handedly ruining the great game of Test cricket.

This one may be worth watching in the coming days, if the West Indies can hold their nerve.........www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

that other boxing day test

It may surprise people to know, but there is actually another boxing day test.

The evil empire take on the west minnows.

Being homeless over Santas birthday does give some advantages, as I got to see Chris Gayle open Boxing day up with a 66 of 49 balls.

Watching someone Gayle or Afridi, you really cherish each shot, because they are always only a skied shot away from leaving you.

In a sick way a miss hit can be more exciting than a timed shot, and a swipe and miss can be orgasmic.

Gayle treated Steyn like a New Zealand second change bowler.

The man scoops and slashes like kings should, if they were to scoop and slash, which they should.

I have professed about the awesomeness of the dude before, but it’s really in a test situation that the real balls come to show.

Any opening batsmen can slog in 2020, or a one dayer, but to hit over the top in a boxing day test, when the whole world is sitting on the couch, takes a large set of swinging nuts.

Something Chris has in spades.

Some people will say he is irresponsible and lacks the technique to play test cricket, to that I say, if everyone batted like Mike Hussey, I’d stab my own eyes out with Tony Greig’s keys.

True story.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

what would matt hayden do?

Matt Hayden loves three things, cooking, boxing day tests and Jesus.

The first one involves something I have absolutely no interest in.

The second one I have already talked about ad nausea.

And the third is some dead dude who disappeared from a cave.

The second and third ones do have some connection, being that Boxing day comes after the day a best selling book claims Jesus was born.

Does the most Christian day of the year inspire Matt Hayden into dominating the G like only Don Bradman has before?

Or.

Does Matthew Hayden, part time chef, photographer and cricketer actually see himself as the son of god reborn?

The G is generally not the easiest wicket to bat on in Australia.

The drop in pitches are odd, to say the least, some days you’d be better off playing with a tennis racquet, it generally has a split personality, Dean Jones makes the same joke every year “the only driving you should do at the G on the first day, is on the way to the ground” and medium pacers are often unplayable on it.

So my question to you is, would jesus have been a back or front foot player?, being that we have already worked out he was a wicket keeper (problems with his hands in his later years).www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Session update stumps day one

Bill Lawry often says the pitch is perfect for batting when the sun is out, that seems to be his main factor in saying it.

I honestly don’t think this pitch is perfect for batting.

That said, Clarke, Roy, the tongue and Gilly all went out to sh1t shots, good pitch or bad pitch.

Clarke playing a 2nd slip no foot work drive, Roy a forced pull shot and Gilly a blatant slog from a ball so far outside off he did well to hit it straight up in the air.

Brad Hogg’s brain fade with the second new ball was a great metaphor for Australia’s innings, sure it was a half volley, but does a number 8 really need to play a flashy cover drive the first time he faces the new ball?

Probably not.

I’d love to say Anil was unplayable, but even though the commentators have been fawning all over him, this session he got two wickets to average balls. Then again he also should have had Mitchell Johnson out in what could only be described as a blatant bat pad decision.

He is bowling very prettily though, he is the difference between a 450 plus score and whatever Australia make now.

No one has scored over 410 on this pitch all year. It looks as flat as a tack, but it is not easy to score on, and one break through usually turns into 3 or 4 quick ones.

All that said, Australia has still made over 300, in a day, whilst losing wickets. It’s not really a collapse, but after their opening stand they would have expected to be less than 9 wickets down at this stage.

Great moment when Yuvraj got hit by a flick from Mitchell Johnson, he dropped like he’d been shot, but my old man summed it up better, “he went down like an Italian soccer player”.

Thank fu©k for tailenders like Stuart Clark. The man came out and played a shot a ball, some pretty, some ugly and some odd. He was seeing them so well, he then slowed down and played for stumps. So tomorrow morning there will be some lusty swipes.

This does open the game up nicely, before Jacques went out at looked like another 3 wicket day, and series over.

Now we all have a real test on our hands.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Session update tea day one

Kumble vs Hayden.

The Rolls Royce vs The 4WD Ute.

Just as Australia looked like they were going to steam roll the Indians, the unmoustached champion deceives Jacques, and then follows up with the wicket of King Probot Hussey.

Khan chipped in with the wicket of Ponting, and Australia were very nearly in trouble.

The problem for the Indians is standing at the other end. Covered with the blood of the Indian bowlers, Matthew Hayden continues to swat the bowling around whilst keeping out the great Anil.

When the wicket was tough for the first half an hour, Hayden may have said to himself “what would Jesus do?”, the answer was genocide of the Indian attack. 5 hundreds out of his last 6 matches at the G, if he wasn’t a New Texas Christian I’d claim him as a Victorian.

You could argue that Jacques, Ponting and Hussey all played up the wrong line, which is lucky for India, because otherwise this could have got real ugly at over 4 an over.

India’s fielding has never been great, but this is the biggest series of their lives and they certainly aren’t stepping up. They seem to have walked a few balls to the rope, fumbled easy ones and generally strolled when they should have hustled.

The truth is that even with a brief flurry of wickets the aussies are still 3/200odd at tea.

Harbhajan is continuing to attack with 4 men on the boundary, I can’t believe a captain who is a spinner would allow that platonic field to be used.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Session update Lunch day one

When you step into the ring with the reigning champ, you need to hit them on the chin in the first minute.

Not to knock them out, they are the champ, so they can usually take a punch. No you need to hit them on the button, so you know you can hit them on the button.

India came out of the blocks swinging, Australia danced around the ring looking a little rusty.

India not only couldn’t land a hit on the button, they couldn’t land a blow at all.

Khan bowled some great nuts, RP got the ball to sing. But no wickets. They did both bowl a little short.

This is not a good sign, this wicket was hard to bat on. The ball was singing, the batsmen were unsure. And yet the aussies smashed India to all parts of the ground.

India had no luck, edges, scoops and even a run out opportunity that all went against them.

Kumble is already annoying me. I can live without the moustache, but I could also live without a field change every second ball. When Tony Greig notices it, you know it’s obvious.

One of those moves was odd and cost him a wicket, when he took out a 3rd slip and put in a second gully, only for the ball to be edged into where 3rd slips throat would have been.

Why would you only have 4 men in the cordon on a pitch like this, with two quicks beating the bat?

He did make one good decision when he brought on Ganguly, my thoughts on medium pacers at the G are well known. Unfortunately for Kumble, Ganguly didn’t bowl great, and Hayden knows that you can’t let medium pacers dictate on the G.

Ganguly will be important on this pitch, but he needs to bowl a lot fuller.

The G has tennis ball bounce, so short balls are the easiest to handle. All 3 medium pacers were a bit short, especially when the ball was dancing, which is why they beat the bat and not got edges. I said before the series that India would struggle to take 20 wickets. If Khan and RP both bowled really good and the score is still 0/111.

Ganguly made the G crowd happy by somehow rolling over a simple out field ball, making himself look like a prize goose. More so than usual.

Jacques & Hayden both looked horrible early, especially Jacques, but once they woke up, they gave the Indians a serious depantsing.

Bad news for India, Jacques usually goes out on milestones, so get ready at 100, 150 and 200, that may be your only chance.

Oh and why did Harbhajan dart them, it seemed to defy logic and Kumble (who did bowl well)obliged but putting 3 men on the boundary.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

session updates

We are updating you session by session for this whole test.

Today from my couch.

The other days from the MCG directly.

So undo your pants, it's going to be a pants off adventure.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

seasons greetings

Happy Chanukah, giant alien clam day, eid, santa's birthday, cloning day, pagan sacrifice day, or insert relevant day after Happy.

Let's be honest though, I'm an atheist and couldn't give a flying rats @ss about any of them.

My religious holiday is boxing day, which if Mash is to be trusted, has something to do with letting the servants take over once a year.

To cricket lovers it means test matches, and to Melbourne cricket lovers, its like finding out the dixie chick's are having an orgy and it only costs 35 bucks to get in.
This time it's even better cause it may actually be a good match.

Sure the pitch has less life in it than an amish picnic, and the victorian drought has picked a sh1t time to break on us.

But this could be a good series, I've tried not to get excited up until now, but the thought of a Christmas dinner in a nursing home has forced me to look ahead to Boxing day.

Hayden, Gilly, Punter, Roy, Lee, Clarke, Sachin, Rahul, VVS, Anil, Dhoni and maybe even my current favourite player Yuvraj.

That my friend, is cricket viagra.

My underwear is literally bursting at the seams.

Eat up your turkey, prawns, curry and tofu mung beans lunch before thinking about what lies ahead.

Cricketers taking to the big stage, like wrestlers and gladiators before them.

Commentators looking for their cliché book to describe how great the G is.

Bogans drinking cheap lager out of plastic cups.

People paying $23.45 for a burnt pie that is too hot to eat anyway.

Indian security guards smiling as they pretend to really look in your bags.

The members full of the biggest tossers that money can buy.

Bikinied women being ogled by men that could never afford them.

Tony Greig being called a wanker.

Oh it shall be grand my friends.

And I your humble narrator blogging directly from the ground, the way Bill Ponsford would have wanted it.

If you weren't sexually awakened before, you are now.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

possible facts for the possible test line ups for boxing day

...
Australia

Phil Jacques â€" According to Brad Haddin he has huge testicles.

Matt Hayden â€" is a Christian and a Celebrity chef and yet still less annoying than Stuart MacGill.

Rick(y) Ponting â€" has fake plastic hair and was mean to Dizzy.

Mike Hussey â€" freddy flintoff gave him his nickname, only interesting thing about him.

Michael Clarke â€" His girlfriend slept with a married afl footballer, but the worst bit is the footballer plays for Carlton.

Andrew Symonds â€" Could have played for England, decided on winning.

Adam Gilchrist â€" Hates Shane Warne and Michael Slater

Brad Hogg â€" no facts.

Brett Lee â€" Manages to bowl really fast and still be a boring guy.

Stuart Clark â€" His missus has lovely cleavage. Don’t ask me how I know that.

Mitchell Johnson â€" Had a labret piercing. Seriously.

Shaun Tait â€" eats raw meat.

India

Wasim Jaffer â€" coated in orange and tastes like chocolate.

Rahul Dravid â€" Sexy but boring.

VVS Laxman â€" A hundred from him is almost as sexy as Natalie Portman.

Sachin Tendulkar â€" three inches shorter than Keira Knightley.

Sourav Ganguly â€" Auditioned for “I’m a celebrity get me out of here” was beaten to the job by Peter Andre.

Yuvraj Singh â€" Clint Eastwood’s favourite cricketer.

MS Dhoni â€" Coolest Indian alive, and possible gay icon.

Irfan Pathan â€" Is the result of an experiment in which Wasim Akram and Chaminda Vaas had there sperm combined.

Anil Kumble â€" Official member of the moustache hall of fame.

Murali Kartik â€" Is the opposite of all South Africans.

Zaheer Khan â€" Able to lose a world cup in a single over.

RP Singh â€" The 128th Indian Cricketer with that surname.

Harbhajan Singh â€" The 127th.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

What would Walter think?

...
Now another Trev Barry trophy has been decided, lets talk about how important this series is.

In the world of cricket, it’s as important as the fireman’s games. People win, and
people lose, but in a few years only people involved will remember exact details.

The series exists because some cricket administrator thought they could artificially create a yearly rivalry.

Problem is Australians need someone to hate in order to start a great rivalry.

Fact one, first great rivalry with the kiwis was when Sir Hadlee pranced around telling everyone he was better than Dean Jones.

Fact two, second rivalry was when Chris Cairns kept smacking Australia to all parts of the ground, whilst pretending he played for a good team.

Those are two men it’s easy to hate, and since they were sh1t hot cricketers that made their sides a lot better.

I’m pretty sure if you were in a bar with Chris Cairns you could hate him by the second shout.

And with Richard it would be as he walked in, perhaps before that, maybe as he got of out his car.

I don’t see anyone I can easily hate in the current side.

McCullum could annoy you, but he is no Parore.

Vettori is likeable, and it’s hard to hit a man with glasses.

Jacob Oram fits the bill skill wise, but his lack of arrogance lets him down.

Shane Bond could be a hateable guy, but seeing him play once every solar eclipse, makes it hard to maintain the rage against him.

Taylor is too young, Fulton is too bald, and the rest are nameless faceless creatures who appear in uniform like extras in an action film, they all get their gun shot wound and then are forgotten about forever.

The rest are playing for fat cash in the Ian Harvey memorial 2020 competition.

Vettori mentioned before the series he wanted the chadlee to be like the Bledisloe cup.

Now as I’m a Victorian I’m assuming that he is talking about one of those sports where thick necked fellows throw a ball backwards.

If I may assume again, I would think that the Bledisloe cup has tests in it. You know the really importantmatches. And the Trev Barry trophy has one dayers.

Hmmmmm, it’s like comparing apples and breasts.

Great sporting rivalries can’t be manufactured by administrators, they need to be fuelled by arrogance, cheating, choking, cockiness, sh1t hot performances and twats.

Not a side that might get relegated if it loses to Bangladesh in its next series.

A great kiwi writer once said, the trev barry trophy is important, as it gives New Zealand to play at world famous cricket grounds like Bellerive.

But isn’t that a home game for New Zealanders anyway?www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Hoggy Hoggy Hoggy Oi Oi Oi

As a self-unabashed George Bradley Hogg fan I am absolutely delighted to see that the "tounged one" will hopefully play again in the Baggy Green come 26 December.

The Sheep Dog is the ultimate team man who would step in front of a bus if it helped Australia. He bowls decidedly hard to pick wrong-uns, can turn his leggie and has well and truly earnt his place in the side after being probably Australia's most consistent ODI bowler in the last four years.

Although cricketwithballs' own Bryce McGain would be a worthy recipent of the cherished headwear, Hoggy has earned his stripes and unlike Uncle J, I will be cheering my very large guts out for our Sheep Dog.

Hoggy Hoggy Hoggy Oi Oi Oi!!!!www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

mother knows best

England are known as the mother country to some nations, and the step mother from hell by others.

Perhaps there is a truth to it, as they certainly used mother nature to secure a undeserving draw in Sri Lanka over night.

I would suggest the current crop of players are more likely to be known as useless mother fu©kers however.

That will be my last mother reference.

Every team plays a bad series from time to time, and perhaps we should cut England some slack.

You know the sub continent can be a tricky place with all the killer bee’s and bollywood films going on.

There are positives to be taken from this series, they only lost one nil, Steve Harmison bowled well for almost half a day, Cook made a hundred when faced with Murali’s chief supporters and no one got bitten by a snake.

On the down side, KP is now English, they lost one nil, they may lose to the Kiwi’s, and Posh And Beck continue to embarrass everyone English, in fact, everyone who can speak English (so not Americans).

For yopu young kiddies you may not know this, but once upon a time England were quite a good team, true story.

I don’t really think the English team can lose to the Kiwi’s, but if any team could find a way to lose an unlosable series, it’s the Poms.

Let’s hope for their sake, the Bangladeshi’s soften up the Kiwi’s in their relegation cup.

Side note, should the Windies, the Kiwis and the Deshis play off in an official cr@ppest team in the world tournament?www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

great expectations and the couches that love us

...
Probably the most important series, since the last important series, starts on boxing day in Melbourne.

Australia Vs India, the battle for the world championship, well not really, unless the aussies lose 3 nil, they are still the world champs.

If the Indians can win 1 or 2 tests, they can prove Australia can be beaten to other nations, but one roll around the sack with Natalie Portman doesn’t make her your woman, no matter how happy you are about it.

It’s not going to be easy, winning tests means taking 20 wickets, which isn’t India’s strong point. Getting Australia out once is fu©ken hard enough.

In India there seems to be a huge level of excitement, and the Indian fans seem almost cocky. I have seen this before, on the walk to the bullring for the 2003 world cup final.

Almost every Indian fan told me they were going to kill us, while myself and the aussie fans were not so sure what the result was going to be.

Not to say there aren’t cocky Australian fans and Coy Indian fans.

When we were in South Africa, Big Daddy & I went out of our way not to sit with Australian fans, much happier in the company of South Africans and Indians. But that’s another blog.

My point is (if I have one), it takes a lot of balls to think you can knock off the best team in the world in a final, especially when the same team defeated you brutally earlier in that tournament.

Had Australia been the underdogs, their fans wouldn’t have walked around telling the Indians they were going to win, they would have been in the pub numbing the impending pain.

Every time Australia played the West Indies when they were still the West Indies, every Aussie I knew just hoped they wouldn’t get slaughtered, and maybe steal a test. If something better happened, it was hookers and cocaine time.

Indian fans keep reminding me they should have beaten Australia last time they toured, well that was 4 years ago. Steve Irwin was p1ssing off snakes and being ignored by the Australian public, bollywood was largely ignored and the second Bush hadn’t even invaded Iraq.

No Indian fan has reminded me that India lost to Australia at home in 2004. The Aussies were two nil up after 3 test, before losing the dead rubber on a pitch so bad Michael Clarke took 6 for 9. And that was a team that took Michael Kasprowicz with it.

On another topic, does anyone know how they came about using the term dead rubber. Is it a weird condom joke?

Indian fans keep saying to me, are you ready, we are coming?

To where, my couch. The same couch that will love me no matter what the result. Actually don’t worry about that, my couch is in storage, but I promise that come the fourth test, I will be on a couch.

That, you Indian’s can be assured of.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

does ravi like pizza?

People may not know this, but Cricket is only Australia’s number one sport by default.

If Victorians and NSWelshman didn’t hate each other so much, they might have decided on one brand of football, and then cricket wouldn’t have been the biggest sport in Australia.

If Ravi Shastri, Bishen Bedi and Kris Srikkanth walked down Lygon st on a Friday night, people wouldn’t look twice.

Well maybe at Ravi, but he’s a good looking man, and the ladies do like their brown sugar.

Australian's are in love with all sports, well, let me rephrase, Australian's are in love with all sports they win alot.

If you were to ask me if Australians were excited about the upcoming series against India, I’d say "not really" in a who knows, why are you asking me that kind of voice.

Australians don’t rate a team until said team defeats them, we are a simple people like that.

Beating Pakistan, England or anyone else doesn’t raise alarm bells for the average Australian fan, if India beats Australia, then next time they will get excited before the series.

It can be put as simply as this.

In India, cricket is a religion.

In Australia, winning is a religion.

Indians get caught up in the stats, the results, the details of cricket. They know about domestic players from all around the world. They find out details about cricket, they live and breathe it. Cricket stops the nation, the players are thought of as Gods, even players like Lillee and Bradman who never played there.

Australians are a different breed. Cricket isn’t that important here. Most Australian cricket fans couldn't name any players from Bangladesh, they wouldn't know who Dale Steyn is or care that Mishbah Ul Haq has a big behind.

In Australia if the cricket is on, and its news time, the news comes on (channel) 9 times out of 10. No questions asked. Channel 9 are the only channel in Australia that shows live international cricket in Australia, so when they go to the news, no one can watch the cricket.

When Shane Warne first claimed the world record, channel 9 were showing the Price is right, with some bogan chick winning a washing machine.

Cricket almost never gets on the front page in Melbourne or Sydney, but footballers of both rugby and aussie rules get it with idiotic monotony.

If I went out on the street and polled 10 people as to who the Indian captain is, they wouldn’t know.

If I polled the whole boxing day crowd before they got to the ground (not the day 2-5 crowd) only 30% would know it was Anil.

An Indian recently asked me if there is a sense of excitement over this series, the answer is no.

Last year there was 10 times more excitement than this, England had defeated Australia, this was to be a real test, and then Australia bent England over and gave them the biggest pounding this side of a Miike film.

So even with India’s improving team of elderly gentleman and young bucks, the Australian public aren’t really all that interested in it.

But Boxing day does strange things to people. For instance one boxing day i was with this chick, and for ages she wouldn't let me... Actually that has nothing to do with cricket. Never mind.

If India win the first Test, or even the Second test, then every tom d1ck and larry in Australia will get excited over it.

Until then, it is summer as usual.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

England Series Ratings

For the first time since 2001, England have suffered a second consecutive series defeat after being comprehensively outplayed by Sri Lanka. Here are the series ratings:

Alastair Cook 7
After a double failure in the first Test, there were real fears over Cook's susceptibility to Chaminda Vaas with the ball. However, he made vital contributions in three of his last four innings, including scoring England's sole century to help save the Galle Test, and has made startling progress for a man not yet 23.

Michael Vaughan 6
During his sublime 87 in the second Test, it felt as if we were watching the '02/03 version of Vaughan. Yet, thereafter, he continually fell to lapses in concentration, and his failure to push on mirrored that of his side. His captaincy was probably below par, though he was handicapped by his lack of bowling firepower.

Ian Bell 7
Two terrific innings in the first Test served to illustrate Bell's technical prowess and promise as a Test number three. But he has reached the stage when he must only be judged on current performance. Too often, he fails to score big, especially for someone with pretensions as a number three.

Kevin Pietersen 4
A mixture of bad umpiring decision, brilliant deliveries and simply poor form saw Pietersen end a series without a 50 for the first time. There are suspicions of fatigue but expect a reinvigorated Pietersen to do much damage in New Zealand.

Paul Collingwood 6
A series of innings that can be described as 'gritty' and 'worthy' produced no score higher than 52 - ultimately, Collingwood is probably a number six rather than number five. His bowling was under-used but effective.

Ravi Bopara 2
Three consecutive ducks says it all. As predicted, Bopara was not ready - with bat or ball - for a Test debut. A baffling selection at number six as his bowling is no better than Collingwood's, Bopara will have a long wait before his next Test.

Matt Prior 6
Very hard to rate, Prior was something of a revelation with the bat, displaying a maturity in shot selection and capacity for playing Murali many thought beyond him. But his keeping has serious flaws - many feel he is worse than Geraint Jones ever was - and no amount of runs will change this fact.

Ryan Sidebottom 5
Sidebottom was unlucky with decisions and dropped catches - again - and endured a disappointing series, although he should still play in New Zealand. His batting, however, was superb - he faced more deliveries than Kevin Pietersen and worked out a method to combat Murali, indicative of a man making the most of his talent.

Steve Harmison 7
In tough conditions, Harmison displayed tremendous heart and new-found consistency and was even able to generate tremendous bounce at times. Considering the circumstances, there is no doubt he emerges with his reputation enhanced.

Matthew Hoggard 7
Excellent in the first Test, when he gave a timely reminder of his nous in all conditions, Hoggard was below par in the final game. His quality is beyond doubt; but, worryingly, he keeps breaking down.

Monty Panesar 4
An immense disappointment, Panesar is going through something of a crisis and has work to do to trouble top-class batsmen.

Stuart Broad 4
Faced one of the hardest debuts imaginable, but Broad at least displayed the ability to bowl for long spells with good consistency. Noticeably, his economy rate was 1.5 less than Anderson could manage.

James Anderson 2
Bowled horribly in the first Test, and the feeling is that he may never make it as a Test player.

The Verdict
The simple truth is England were beaten by a side superior in batting and bowling. They showed no little fight, but it is especially frustrating that England were unable to close the gap in the field, where the bowlers were continually let down. With two series wins from eight, England patently have much work to do in all areas.

The England Diagnosis: Bowling and Fielding

What can England do from here? (Click here for the batting diagnosis)

Wicket-keeping
Matt Prior batted with gumption and no little skill in the series, making two excellent half-centuries. However, his keeping looks like it may never be good enough: he has now missed nine chances in 10 Tests, a success ratio of just 72%, around 10% worse than Geraint Jones. Add to this the problems caused by his positioning behind the stumps, leading the slips astray, and his failure to convince keeping to Monty Panesar and England have much to consider. They would have hoped for a 'keeper who could average close to 40 with the bat and keep to a competent level. Prior looks like he may be able to do the former but should probably be dropped for his keeping, as Simon Hughes has suggested. Who should replace him, if indeed he should be replaced? How long have have you got?

Fielding
England's fielding in this series was worse than for some time, with two of the side's best fielders, in Bell and Collingwood, disappointing in the slips, and few bright spots elsewhere. The importance of a reliable cordon is easy to forget; but England have lost Messrs Trescothick, Flintoff, Strauss and Giles, four excellent close fielders, without replacing them. The solution is not easy to find but, clearly, must work must be done on the close fielding before the New Zealand tour.

Bowling
England only bowled Sri Lanka out once in the series although, considering the shoddy catching and unhelpful conditions, there were mitigating circumstances. The biggest concern was Monty Panesar, who was a huge disappointment for the second consecutive series and may not be an automatic selection for much longer if Graeme Swann continues to excel in the limited-overs game.

Of the seamers, it may now be time to dispense with the perennially frustrating Test version of Jimmy Anderson, while Stuart Broad may is not quite be ready yet. Ryan Sidebottom should be dropped based on his series average of 63, but he was supremely unfortunate yet again and should be effective in New Zealand. Meanwhile, Matthew Hoggard confirmed he is England's most resourceful seamer with his supreme spell on the series' opening day, while Steve Harmison cut out the extras, proved his desire, and will almost certainly start the next Test. The man who deserves a recall is surely Chris Tremlett; though unimpressive with the white ball, he claimed 13 wickets at 29 against India and possesses tremendous bounce and good consistency.

What should England do from here?

great exopectations and the couches that love us

...
Probably the most important series, since the last important series, starts on boxing day in Melbourne.

Australia Vs India, the battle for the world championship, well not really, unless the aussies lose 3 nil, they are still the world champs.

If the Indians can win 1 or 2 tests, they can prove Australia can be beaten to other nations, but one roll around the sack with Natalie Portman doesn’t make her your woman, no matter how happy you are about it.

It’s not going to be easy, winning tests means taking 20 wickets, which isn’t India’s strong point. Getting Australia out once is fu©ken hard enough.

In India there seems to be a huge level of excitement, and the Indian fans seem almost cocky. I have seen this before, on the walk to the bullring for the 2003 world cup final.

Almost every Indian fan told me they were going to kill us, while myself and the aussie fans were not so sure what the result was going to be.

Not to say there aren’t cocky Australian fans and Coy Indian fans.

When we were in South Africa, Big Daddy & I went out of our way not to sit with Australian fans, much happier in the company of South Africans and Indians. But that’s another blog.

My point is (if I have one), it takes a lot of balls to think you can knock off the best team in the world in a final, especially when the same team defeated you brutally earlier in that tournament.

Had Australia been the underdogs, their fans wouldn’t have walked around telling the Indians they were going to win, they would have been in the pub numbing the impending pain.

Every time Australia played the West Indies when they were still the West Indies, every Aussie I knew just hoped they wouldn’t get slaughtered, and maybe steal a test. If something better happened, it was hookers and cocaine time.

Indian fans keep reminding me they should have beaten Australia last time they toured, well that was 4 years ago. Steve Irwin was p1ssing off snakes and being ignored by the Australian public, bollywood was largely ignored and the second Bush hadn’t even invaded Iraq.

No Indian fan has reminded me that India lost to Australia at home in 2004. The Aussies were two nil up after 3 test, before losing the dead rubber on a pitch so bad Michael Clarke took 6 for 9. And that was a team that took Michael Kasprowicz with it.

On another topic, does anyone know how they came about using the term dead rubber. Is it a weird condom joke?

Indian fans keep saying to me, are you ready, we are coming?

To where, my couch. The same couch that will love me no matter what the result. Actually don’t worry about that, my couch is in storage, but I promise that come the fourth test, I will be on a couch.

That, you Indian’s can be assured of.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

why i will support the tongue

...
I don’t like Brad Hogg.

Not really sure why that is, but the dude just rubs me up the wrong way.

Might be the tongue, his general earnest demeanor, or maybe it’s left arm wrist spinners, but regardless, I cant stand him.

As a one day bowler, he has performed well, his wrong un is obviously harder to pick than Michael Jackson’s nose and he bats and fields at an adequate level.

He even has a good nick name, Sheep Dog.

Yet still he does nothing for me.

This has given me a conundrum, because the thought of 4 pace bowlers at the G scares me and with no other spin options in the squad he is the logical illogical choice.

But how, after everything I stand for, can I really support Hogg if he gets selected.

Because I am Australian.

Regardless of any prejudices I have against him, if he plays and he performs really badly, Australia might lose, and that is not acceptable.

As much as everything about the man sh1ts me to tears, I cannot accept a defeat.

I won’t cheer for him, but I won’t boo him either, however tempted I may become.

It’s hypocritical, but we Australians don’t mind being hypocritical.

Arjuna stretched the rules, and his uniform, when he regularly called for a runner because his belly got in the way of his legs.

Douglas Jardine decided the only way to beat Bradman was by inventing Bodyline.

Greg Chappell instructed his brother to bowl underarm.

Guess which two are thought of as cheating pr1cks in Australia.

The perfect boxing day test for me is Hogg getting smashed and Australia to win, plus a ton from Laxman and a cute brunette giving me her number.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

cricketwithballs to make its offline debut

<p align="left">The boys from cricketwithballs.com will be at the 'G for the upcoming Boxing Day clash with India proudly donning our official uniform below. Hopefully we will have plenty of positive things to blog about come the end of each days play.
<p align="left">
Wishing all our valuable fellow bloggers a happy holiday. Go the Aussies!!!!!!www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Official Bryce news

I received the oddest email this morning.

It was from a former work mate of Cricket With Balls Own Bryce McGain, who claims to have once hit on the great man.

It's weird what you can find when you google ... I saw the article in
the Herald Sun the other day about Bryce and I'm glad it mentioned the
bank because I thought I knew him from somewhere. He worked on the
other side of the office, in IT, I think - we used to call him nice
Bryce (not to his face).

I think I might have tried to come onto him at work Christmas party
once, but that was at least 10 years ago and in the days before the
'responsible serving of alcohol' came in, so it's all a bit hazy.

Good luck to him !

Not only does this prove that he is a ladies man (as mentioned here), it also gives him a new nickname.

Cricket With Balls Own Nice Bryce.

How many websites are devoted to Brad Hogg, zippo.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

The England Diagnosis: Batting

In many ways, whether England manage to save the 3rd Test is irrelevant. If they are able to do so, it will be in large part due to the rain that has engulfed Galle, and will not in any way disguise their patent faults. Though they fought on more-or-less equal terms with Sri Lanka for large parts of the first two Tests, ultimately no one can deny they have been out-batted, out-fielded and out-bowled by Sri Lanka (even discounting Murali). They are now ranked fifth in the world. After two series wins out of eight, England must now accept they have regressed alarmingly since their golden run on 2004/05. What can they do to improve, or is it simply a case that the best England have are not good enough?

Batting
Excuse me for harping back to my perennial cause celebre, but when Mark Ramprakash was ignored for this tour I wrote that "England are a mid-table Test side; are they really in a position when they can afford to refrain from picking their best XI in the hope of building for some mythical date in the future?" Peter Moores has shown a worrying tendency to support promising 'kids' who have not proved up to the task - Luke Wright during the World Twenty20; and Ravi Bopara here, whose much-hyped 'x-factor' constituted a penchant for being dismissed for a duck.

As Australia constantly prove, the only game you need worry about is the next one, and England's inability to score hundreds is crying out for someone possessing the depths of concentration and capacity for longevity of Ramprakash at the crease. To date, England have scored 10 fifties but no centuries in this series. Even if they go some way to rectifying that, the stat illustrates England have a lot of perfectly competent Test batsmen, but cannot make the big scores that Messrs Sangakkara and Jayawardene batted England out the series with. Curiously for a side in the midst of such a slumber, there is probably only one man - Bopara - for whom the axe is around the corner.

Ian Bell often looks in supreme form at the crease, as he did in the first Test, while failing to really capitalise. As such, he has not yet making the runs to justify batting at three. But with Kevin Pietersen being unfortunate with umpiring decision and snorters alike, and with Vaughan's innings consistently ended by impetuosity, there has been no one to grind the Sri Lankan attack into the dust. Calls for a recall for Andrew Strauss should be laughed off given his form in the past 15 months. That would leave Ramprakash, in an ideal world, to replace Bopara and move up to number three, with Pietersen four, Bell five and Collingwood at six and Owais Shah, once again, next cab-off-the-rank. Most likely, that top six would score big against a Kiwi attack top-heavy with medium-pacers. Whether they could consistently make first innings scores of 400 against the sterner Tests that await, however, would have to be doubtful - but do England have anyone else?

bad day, good day, england

Bryce McGain didn’t get picked and then got a small lashing from everyone’s favourite Indian messiah Ganguly.

That’s a pretty bad day for cricket with balls.

But it could be worse, my international team could have been bowled out for 81.

Or I could have awoken to find Tori Spelling beside me.

What’s worse, the 81, or the fact Murali hardly got a snifter of them.

Scratch that, cause the worst thing from that game was monty’s make up. I know I have already vented on it, but it still needs further attention.

While in other news, Australia defeated New Zealand to regain the trev barry cup.

Not sure if that is news, but its something. Ponting made a hundred, that’s definitely not news.

What is important news was my indoor cricket game last night.

The tension, the drama, and the bad umpiring calls.

With a ball to go, myself bowling, some chump batting with all his team mates sledging, the scores were tied.

So I powered into the crease and bowled a perfect outswinger, which defeated the batsmen and ended up in my hands as I ran him out. After all the sledging I decided to turn around and remind their team that I was infact not a pussy or a choker.

Problem is, my brilliant, unplayable outswinger, had swung off the pitch (in the eyes of the umpire) And had to be re bowled. This left the batting side with 3 runs to win, off the new last bowl. It also meant their best batsmen was facing, the same guy who had hit me for six off the second last ball, perhaps I forgot to mention that before.

Me, being the tactical genius I am, thought that as the only way of scoring a 3 was by hitting it to the back net, I would bounce him.

Unfortunately due to my great pace and enthusiasm I may have dug it in a little too short, and although in my mind it was still debateable, the umpire and the sledging batting side, called a no ball. I thought the rule was below the head, apparently its below the shoulders, who knew?

So then they needed one run off the last last last ball, their best batsmen still facing, and all his knucklehead friends still sledging.

I was determined to make this the real last ball, as I was buggered. I changed the angle on him, I went around the wicket and bowled the fastest off cutter I could muster. I didn’t really see his shot, but I do remember the thump into the keepers gloves followed by the run out, followed by me sledging all the batting team whom had sledged me, and then reminding them I had won the game 3 times.

Then I was mobbed, best 8 ball over in 20 years I say.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

mule kicks indias @ss

Allan Wise is known as the Mule, not because of any penile humour (that I’m aware of), but because he kicks out his leg at the top of his run, like a mule.

In the rain affected warm up game for India he has 4 of the 4 wickets so far. That’s 4 out of 4. All of them even.

Mule is a tall (really fu(c)ken tall) left arm bowler of a pretty reasonable standard, but he is not the first bowler picked for Victoria. In fact he has been 12th man this year, and is probably only playing cause of injuries to others.

What does this say about India’s chances, what the fu©k would I know, I aint a sooth sayer.

Surely the fact that India have 83 left arm quicks to choose from means they don’t struggle those bowlers.

Perhaps his kick puts them off.

Maybe it’s the fact the Australian tax department have made it harder for them to afford a new Porsche.

I ponder all this as I sit on the floor of my empty apartment.

I also ponder why I didn’t leave one chair out to sit on, and what Natalie Portman smells like.

Then I get up cause my @ss is sore.

I assume it's raspberries, Portman's smell, not my @ss.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

moving house and losing a loved one

Due to my moving tomorrow, I won't be able to give you my breathtaking coverage of the deciding game in the trev barry trophy. In fact i probably won't know the result until friday morning.

The loved one I have lost is Bryce McGain, whose international career was over even before i started it.

Australian chairman of deflectors Andrew Hilditch did not mention him (from what i could gather from here) and that is not a good sign.

For all my bullsh1t, and there is alot of it, i think Bryce McGain is a far better option against India in Melbourne the day after xmas than the tongue.

And to prove my point to all the nay sayers out there, here is Milla.

www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

clown make up and 50 odd overs

Being that I am now homeless, I get to stay at all my friends and families house.

Of course I am picky bastard, I only pick the ones that have pay TV.

Tonight that allowed me to watch the first day of the Sri Lanka England test.

How wonderful that was.

I got to see Monty doing his best Sgt Kabukiman impersonation, memo to all cricketers, white face paint is stupid, memo to all dark cricketers, white face paint applied badly looks like geisha make up.

England stated off with a couple of good balls from the 1977 gay porn star side bottom. Then he and the inverted Harmison took some dodgy decisions, but no one really cared, because everyone wanted to see Kumar and Mahela anyway.

Kumar and Mahela decided that runs are over rated. It’s a rare thing for batsmen to start playing for the light 8 minutes after lunch, but they managed to do so.

Mahela’s positive speech before the game really took effect as he and Kumar piled on the maidens with style. One nil is enough after all.

After the game went along, and along and along, Kumar hit a yawn up in the air off Harmison straight to Monty Kabukiman. After he took the catch, he ran in like he found the meaning of life in the outfield.

Perhaps the secret to life is white zinc, its worth looking into to.

At that stage the English turned, just for a moment they looked like they actually wanted to win the game, and with the runrate going backwards and Harmison bowling some spiking deliveries, a promising test looked likely.

Then it was stumps, after a massive 50 odd overs had been bowled.

For the first time in history the batting team were offered their sh1thouse run rate as a reason to go off. They took it.

50 odd overs, I sh1t you not.

If that was made common place, Shane Bond and Shoaib Ahktar could have great careers.

It all felt a little unsatisfying, although we did slip off to the nets at one stage for an hour to have a hit ourselves.

I bowled pretty quick at times, and my off spinners had Sime in trouble. Sime bowled really well and I spooned a bunch of balls towards imaginary cover fieldsman.

We seemed to only miss 20 odd runs.

Test cricket at its $exiest.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

Book Review - Rain Men by Marcus Berkmann

<p class="MsoNormal">Marcus Berkmann is well known to many cricket lovers as both a writer for Cricinfo and Wisden, and as the author of Rain Men and the sequel Zimmer Men. His first book, Rain Men, has been acclaimed by many readers and journalists as a masterpiece of cricketing literature. I had not read it until recently, so it was with interest that I finally opened it up.
<p class="MsoNormal">Simply put, Rain Men is a recounting of the events of a cricket team and the characters that haunted it. Berkmann tells the stories and describes the personalities in a wonderful manner, and his laid back style of writing is perfectly suited to this format of book. The anecdotes and events will be familiar to all cricketers who never quite reached the heights of international play, and have had the enjoyment of playing cricket simply for enjoyment. The staples of lower grade cricket such as umpiring, the selection process for the team, trying to even find enough players to make up numbers, and the often bizarre and psychologically twisted individuals that play are obvious fodder for Bermann, and he makes the most of them. Discussions of afternoon teas, the rocky road of captaincy and the often futile attempts to organise everyone to turn up on time are also covered in a very amusing manner that will bring back fond memories for many of us.
<p class="MsoNormal">Rain Men is a funny book, and cleverly covers the incompetence that plagues cricket at the levels most of us dwell in. He does also manage to weave into the book some amusing references to professional players, and the peculiar devotion to statistics that many cricket lovers have. I must admit that whilst I certainly enjoyed Rain Men, however, it did not deliver the life changing experience that other people seem to have had with it. Prior to reading it, I had read Jim Young’s ‘Any Old Eleven’, which recounts the exploits and characters of a suburban Melbourne side through the 70s and 80s. I had also read Gideon Haigh’s ‘The Vincibles’, which was similarly a recount of the trials and tribulations of a weekend social cricketing team. I had also read Harry Thompson's "When Penguins Stopped Play", which is again a story about cricket at less than serious levels. Rain Men is a very funny book, and is a great read. However, for me, the novelty that other readers may experience with it had been significantly dulled by the similarly themed books I had already come across. Recommended reading for all cricket lovers, and particularly if you haven’t yet read the other titles I mentioned. 3.5 stars.

alien gods disrupt the king

Here is a question for you people, are the aliens taking the p1ss in Sri Lanka?

Are they trying to stop the King (Kumar) from taking over the world?

The Galle ground, which was turned into a swimming pool after a CIA nuclear device exploded and caused the Boxing Day tsunami (also known as the Sehwag), is now ready to be used again in a test match.

But just to prove those aliens have a sense of humour, there are torrential down pours, which look likely to threaten the entire match.

Are the aliens trying to tell us that Galle is an area for swimming pools and not for cricket grounds?

Are they trying to make a joke about the English weather in a postmodern stand up comedic sort of way?

The weather and the grounds re-emergence are the focal points at this stage, which may be a great thing for England if they lose (possibility) or draw (that’s where I’d put my money) this test.

It was only a month ago people were saying Sri Lanka were pretenders.

England look like the side that played in the 2005 ashes, but they don’t sound like them, and they sure as fu©k don’t play like em.

KP hasn’t looked as hungry this series.

Vaughn is finding form, but he doesn’t look the like the damaging run machine of yore.

Harmison was once an inverted West Indian opening bowler, now he’s just inverted.

Ian Bell is good at foreplay, not great in the sack.

Freddy is off getting a titanium rod put in his ankle, it’s second hand, Shane Bond doesn’t need it anymore.

Cook is still a cook, not quite ready to be the chef.

Duncan Fletcher is the Brett Easton Ellis of the cricket world, showing us behind the ivory doors while trying to make himself look cooler.

I can't remember which keeper they are using this week, but it aint Chris Read.

And Ian Botham is a drunken buffoon, so at least that has stayed the same.

What happens to England if they lose this series, where shall they go from here, are we looking at a side that is working its way back to its Nasser Hussain/Mike Atherton form.

I do hope so, I miss those days.

At least then you knew you were going to get rubbish, none of these false hopes you get from their current crop.

Are Angus and Andy ready for a comeback?www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

CWB's Bryce (McGain, man of mystery)

Some of you might think I go on about Cricket With Balls Own Bryce McGain too often.

Tough sh1t.

I just thought I’d share this with you, the reason the man is Cricket With Balls Own Bryce McGain is because I get more hits by people typing Bryce McGain into google than from anything else.

Weird aint it.

Were Our Bryce to type his own name into Google, which I’m sure he is too cool to do, he would come to our sight, eventually.

You could agrue that’s because there is very little information about him on the internet.

Well as I’ve said before, logic has no place on this site, and I prefer to believe its cause google knew he and us were a match made in heaven.

Who said google was evil…

Actually I did, but that’s for another time…www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"

the radio

Today I have to drive for about 3 hours.

Wednesday I’ll be driving for 3 hours again.

I don’t like driving, but what p1sses me off is there is no cricket to listen to.

For some reason I had convinced myself the last of the trev barry games was on today, but alas not for the first time in my life I was mistaken.

When I was a little tacker my family loved to holiday interstate. Since we were poor, this involved incredibly long car trips, mostly in summer, which meant the cricket was on the radio.

Jim Maxwell with his straight commentary, and Tim Lane with his dry sarcasm adn slight Australian bias.

Peter Roebuck reminding everyone that Australia aren't that good, but they are damn good.

Harsha bolge, getting so excited by the cricket you think he'll pee himself.

Kerry O'Keeefe regularly p1ssing himself, at his own jokes of course.

Dean Jones remembering how damn good he was.

Jonathon Agnew sounding like he was auditioning for Hamlet.

Those were the days.

How my mum put up with it I don’t know, although she does like listening to Kerry O’Keefe, but who doesn’t?

When it was just my dad and I it must have been a pain. But on those occasions when Big Daddy travelled with us, it must have been horrible.

The men in our family aren’t known for being quiet, and three of us in a small place is a horrifying thing, you have the farting, and the arguing over the cricket.

Due to my mothers sensibilities we cleaned up our language, which mean me and Big Daddy would go up to 2 hours at a time without calling Atherton a boring ©unt.

Not an easy thing.

My favourite memory of those trips was when my dad went nuts at Mark Taylor, after he took off Anthony Stuart (or was it stewart) with a few overs of his ten to go after he took a hat trick at the G. For the next 5 hours big daddy and I pissed our selves as my old man brought every cricket conversation back to Taylor’s mistake.

Big Daddy and I still laugh at that, it was probably the only time my old man ever bagged Taylor’s captaincy.

The rental car I get better have a cd player.www.cricketwithballs.com "the hooking & pulling specialists"