Episode 4
Getting a fan base
Obviously you know cricket, or you’ve heard about it. That is why you are here. Hopefully you can write at a 3rd grade level, which is the level that most papers require now.
We have covered how to get people to your blog, but they are here, now what?
Well my friend, you do what every piss weak politician has done before you, give the people what they want.
For instance let’s say some Indian guy has just made 300 runs in a day. Pander to them, tell them he is so good he should be given Bolivia and all the goats he has ever wanted. In fact suck up to India at every available moment. Tell them Sourav is underrated and clearly a Prince amongst men, that Anil Kumble is the greatest non chucking clean spinner ever, and that it is obvious that India will take over the world soon, and be the number one cricket team. You can never suck up to them too much, remember they have 7 kabillion people, that’s a lot of hits my friend.
Australia is next, they want to be told how good they are at every available moment. The like the phrase hard but fair, and like being called @ssholes. Talk about how dominant they are, they lap that sh1t up, but try not to mention their whinging, or their unsportsmanlike play, that hits a nerve. Remind them that running cricket on the field is more important than off the field.
These are the only two countries you need to suck up to.
The England is a different kind of puppy. It likes to be abused, humiliated, and generally have the piss taken out of them to feel happy. English fans don’t want their team to be good, as the world will instantly fall of it’s axis. Keep it sarcastic and biting, and they will love you. Grey skies are not going to clear up, are they ladies and gents.
New Zealand, Sri Lanka and the West Indies just like to be mentioned. Do so once every two weeks.
Pakistan is hard. One day they like a bit of spanking, the next day they want you to tell them that Ahktar will come good one day. So keep it random for them, keep em guessing, they will appreciate the effort. Then they will hate you, then they will appreciate the effort, then…
South Africa are sado masochistic. Must be all those born again Christians. They don’t want quirky sarcasm like the English. They want you to actually hurt them, they want to bleed, they want to be known as evil. Kick them, spit on them, make your dog urinate on them. They want their bedroom habits questioned. And then, and only then, will a true South African feel accepted in the cricketing fraternity.
On major cricket issues, best to play it safe and take the p1ss out of both sides of the argument. No one really wants you to take a side, they just wanna vent their own feelings, and on an issue that divides people this is hard, so make up a phrase, like I don’t know, bastard monkey perhaps, or something like that and then you can continue to take the piss whilst building your fan base.
Oh and include sexual references, everyone likes sex. Even Mormons.
Especially Mormons.
Kinky buggers.www.cricketwithballs.com "Practice Sehwagology and kill the Probots"
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