hegemony or fleming

I think I once compared Stephen Fleming to Noam Chomsky.

At the time I was just trying to sound intelligent.

But now I look back, I realise I am a genius, and you should all listen to me more often.

Noam Chomsky is a leftist writer who uses big words and believes America is out to get him.

Fleming used a left wing game plan, uses big words and generally thinks Australia is out to get him.

Ofcourse if Fleming was Chomsky, that makes Ponting Michael Moore.

People either think Fleming is an overrated nerd who couldn’t bat, or a tactical genius who almost took down the Australians and regularly won one day games he shouldn’t have.

I tend to think he was a genius, but I was a captain, and captains tend to rate captains higher.

What he did do was captain an extremely average side.

Yet somehow under him New Zealand were never that bad.

He never had the cattle to make a great team, he never had the hat to make himself a great cowboy, but he got the most out of himself and out of his team, and you have to respect him for that.

Even if you think he was a shocking bat.

I wish there were more captains like Fleming, he captained like a mad scientist, rather than the McDonald’s Managers most captains are.

Without guys like Fleming, cricket would still be stuck in the 1800’s and we would all be bored sh1tless.

But for the average leftist person, Michael Moore’s jokey easy style is a lot easier to follow the Noam’s darkly multilayered manuscripts.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

International News : Fleming Retires from International Cricket

Author: bondySubject: Fleming Retires from International CricketPosted: 14 February 2008 at 10:05amWe could be seeing Gilly sometime too soon.

burning kittens

Recently I have been attacking the cricket administracrats a lot.

I don’t mean it, but they just continue to p1ss me off.

Now they have set fire to a bunch of kittens, so I feel obliged to attack them again.

The poor defenceless Bangladeshi tiger kittens are cute and adorable, and appear to be like Peter Pan.

Recently they lost to another minnow side heavily, being kittens they will bounce back, but kittens need someone to play with.

Enter Cricket Australia who has cancelled their test tour to Australia’s most famous cricket grounds like Marrara Stadium and the one named after alcohol.

As the kittens softly weep in the background I hear you ask why?

Because the Olympics are on at the same time.

Now I’ve never been a professional sport official, so perhaps I don’t know how all this tricky stuff works, but surely some in the Cricket Australia ivory tower had a calendar with all the major sporting events around the globe on it.

And the first one you would put on it would be the Olympics.

I personally couldn’t give a rats about the Olympics, but even I know it’s on 080808 for some sort of Chinese symmetry reason.

So why have the cricket administracrats suddenly decided to cancel the tour, why now, at this late stage have they abandoned the poor kittens.

Probably because they are idiots and they don’t really care what happens to defenceless kittens, because they won’t make them a lot of money.

Nothing smells worse than burning Kittens, well that's what the army guys said in Darwin when they burnt them.

Apparently Darwin is a good place to burn kittens, who knew.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

The rare tour

As huge doubts are cast over next month's tour of Pakistan by Australia it is worth considering the history of this, one of the rarest of all cricket tours.

Australia first toured Pakistan in 1956, playing just one Test against the then fledgling Test nation. Surprisingly the tourists lost heavily, being bowled out for just 80 in the first innings, and eventually losing by 9 wickets.

On the next tour, just 3 years later, Australia restored the balance, winning the 3 match series 2-0. But it would be nearly 40 years before they would taste victory again on a ground in Pakistan. In fact their next win, at Rawalpindi in 1998, was their third and last win in Pakistan. It was also the last time an Australian team toured Pakistan.

In the nearly ten years since that tour Pakistan have played at least one Test series against every other Test playing nation. Sri Lanka have visited Pakistan 3 times, while Bangladesh, England, South Africa and India have each toured twice. It is very odd then that Australia should not have toured at all in this time.

Security fears, which are the reason cited for the doubts over next month's tour, are not to be treated lightly. Yet, every other nation has sent their security teams and then made their tours. To my knowledge no player has been injured as a result of violence off the field on any of these tours. So why are the Australians so reluctant?

It is a question with no easy answer. There is no problem between the teams or their respective boards, as Pakistan have toured Australia twice since 1998. Both teams also played a Test series on neutral grounds when Australia refused to tour Pakistan in 2002, again citing fears over their security.

The issue is not a new one. After their successful tour of Pakistan in 1959, Australia toured again in 1964, though they only played one match. They did not tour again until 1980, 16 years later. Again all the Test playing nations of the time toured Pakistan in that 16 year span, and Pakistan toured Australia several times.

It truly is an enigma. In the entire history of Tests between the two countries, spanning over 50 years, Australia has only played 20 Tests in Pakistan. This was, perhaps, understandable in the early days of Test cricket, but in the modern era with the so-called Test championship, it is an unacceptable anomaly that one country should tour another so infrequently.

It is easy to understand why Pakistan's players, fans and board are unhappy about the prospect of another cancelled tour by Australia. The Australians are, after all, a hugely talented team, rated the best side in the world, and a massive draw for all Test fans.

Cricket watchers in Pakistan might also reflect that in those 20 Tests Australia have played in Pakistan the tourists have only won 3, while Pakistan have won 7. This trend may not have continued if Australia had toured Pakistan more often, but home advantage is huge in cricket, so one suspects Pakistan would have done well on home soil.

It is surely time that the best team in the world shows its class by making the tour that it has struggled with the most. Such a rare event would be a treat for all cricket fans, as well as showing that the Test cricket championship is a fair contest for all, with matches both home and away.

Could Bryce be Franz Ferdinand

A few years ago Australia was supposed to tour Zimbabwe.

Stuey MacGill developed a career defining case of liberal guilt, and thusly decided he would not go.

He said it was in protest of Mugabe, but also it’s hard to find a good merlot in Harare.

His replacement was Cameron White, who at that stage had bigger wraps on him than Penicillin and wonder bras.

By replacing Stuey with the bear, the selectors made one big mistake, they picked a Victorian and this contravened the ruling put forward by the cricket administracrats in a blood oath to make sure Shane Warne was the last Victorian ever to be picked.

They cancelled the tour.

They said it was a political decision, and one not based on Cameron White being Victorian, but we all knew better.

Now with a tour of Pakistan coming up, and only one Australian spinner in any sort of form, the administracrats are not sure if the tour of Pakistan will go ahead.

Is the de stabilising forces in Pakistan the reason Australia are hesitant, or is it because Bryce McGain is Victorian.

Now before you say, hey man, that’s just another Victorian conspiracy, man, let me say, yes it is.

But do you know how conspiracies start, through nut jobs, weird interpretations of facts, wild accusations and Chinese whispers.

Think about it.

If somehow CWB’s Nice Bryce does not get selected for the tour to Pakistan, it will go ahead.

That is the conundrum though, we won’t know whether he has been selected or not, they will simply cancel the tour, and you, I and Bryce will be none the wiser.

The powers that be will continue to hide behind ivory doors made of ivory, they won’t let out a scrap of information.

If Bryce was from South Australia, he wouldn't be very good, but the tour would go ahead regardless.

The Cricket administracrats thought by putting Merv on the panel they could gently phase out Victorians, but Merv said No way man, I ain't no stooge, man, I am for the people, man, fu(c)k the fascist insect that preys on the Victorian people.

So in conclusion, Bryce McGain will not have to get his anti terror shots, because "they" simply will not allow him to go to Pakistan. And by "they" I mean, Giant Alien Lizards, the CIA and Cricket Australia’s Administracrats.

The usual forces who keep Victoria down.

Fu(c)k em I say, we'll win the shield final anyway, unless the Giant Alien Lizards interfere.

Viva La Bryce.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

pretty boys

The team at Sportsfreak have had it with narcissistic cricketers.

Here is there story.

In the 1980s, the UK based fanzine (remember them?) ran a regular series called “Medallion Men”. This was devoted to players, not always of world-class, whose main claim to fame was in drawing attention to themselves by wearing ridiculous large medallions; often more than one. The general feeling was that these people backed themselves a bit. Phil DeFreitas was their ultimate Medallion Man.

Well fashion moves on. Yesterday’s medallions have been upstaged by today’s multi-coloured highlights, Alice bands, and body piercing. Today’s international cricketers vie with professional footballers in having a level of vanity matched only by a lack of taste. We list the leaders in this revolution.

10. Ryan Sidebottom

Unique in this list in that his mirror-staring is based on an image that is at least 20 years out of date. While retro may be in at the moment, was Michael Bolton ever worth imitating? However, the self-important flicking of the head to get rid of the permed locks from his face does add good comedy value.

9. Brendon McCullum

The man of the future. Not only does he sport a nice range of hair tint, but he also has a stamp album’s worth of tattoos adorning his body.

This is something typically reserved for rugby players; either code, but normally Polynesian; Baz has clearly decided that it is high time for cricket to catch up. Watch this space in 2010.

8. Brett Lee

Admittedly, he could be worse, and on the field is less image conscious than he was a few years ago. But anyone who has ever seen the Bolywood pop song will understand why he is on this list.

7. Jacob Oram

Is this some weird backlash to growing up in Palmerston North; a mini-city that is still waiting for the Beatles to arrive? But it is almost impossible why a The Perfect Boyfriend should first grow some queer mod mop, and then go through most shades of gold in his hair. Perhaps it’s just a throwback to his footballing past.

6. Lasith Malinga

If this guy had spent as much time watching his action in the mirror rather than his hair his action would be very different.

A perm and a dye all on the same head is quite special; but fast bowlers should not need to look like that to be scary.

5. Andrew Symonds

Another Englishman makes the list, and no explanation is required.

4. Kevin Pietersen

Where do you start? Lets start with the Beckham-like 3 Lions tattoo on the shoulder. Only a South African would be stupid enough to overlook the ugly hooligan images that one conjures up.

Then there is the skunk phase; followed by the current patchy skinhead look. None of them work, and neither does the ear-ring in every orifice routine. How does this guy get through airports?

3. Chris Gayle
Of all the players on this list, the attention to detail in working on his image while out there playing can get in the way of his performance. It’s bowling while making sure your head stays still so those sunglasses don’t fall off. And standing for 5 minutes on end with your hands in pockets may be dead cool, but it makes slip catching a bit difficult.

Way too much bling too, and a lot of it looks uncomfortable.

2. Stuart Broad

This one has come from nowhere. Son of a true Medallion Man, perhaps it should come as no huge surprise. But the main impact so far in career has been more from his striking hairstyle than performances on the field.

Although he bowls at a pace that may make him a test player one day, it is no surprise he has shone in the ODI format. This is probably due to the fact that it involves playing under lights. The kaleidoscope of colours his hair goes through as the lights take effect is pretty unpleasant. And the darkness around the eyes is just plain wrong.

1. Nathan Brackan

This guy looks so bad that even Chelsea would not employ him. During the length of this column Sportsfreak has been very careful not to stray into homophobia territory, but it is impossible to describe Bracken without going there.

He looks like the transvestite off Silence of the Lambs, and the deteriorating nature of his campness is the over-riding impression. Note how Harbidjan has never dared pat him on the botty.

Note There are a lot of fast bowlers in this list.

Ganguly, Michael Clarke, Shane Watson, Herschelle Gibbs, and Shoaib Akhtar were considered for this list but rejected due to the fact that their major reasons for ridicule lie elsewhere.

Scott Styris was similarly rejected.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Badonkadonk Ryder brushing dirt off his shoulder

Does everyone remember Notorious B.I.G. (aka Biggie Smalls), the fat rapper who was killed by 2pac, Suge Knight, the FBI and Tibetan monks.

Ofcourse you do.

Well Jesse Ryder is the cricket version.

He got the swagger. (ok more of a waddle)

He got the confidence. (Winking at bowlers and smiling all the time)

He got the game. (Well against the England he does)

He got the rivalry. (Parore)

He got the dark past. (Not as a teenage drug dealer, but he still got into sh1t)

And most importantly he got the size. (Baby got back)

Everyone had an opinion on him before he even stretched out the black uniform. Too fat, loose cannon, unreliable, but Jesse does this thing that people like, he scores an @ss full of runs quickly.

You see while the cricket academies teach nutrition and the best way to compile an innings, Jesse goes out there and hits the ball hard, scares bowlers and makes runs.

What an interesting cricket concept.

Surely he should structure his innings around 10 ball KPI’s and not swing like he is in a fight over the last french fry.

If you listen to John Buchannan or Ian Healy, cricket is a multilayered association of ideas that requires you to use all orifices at once whilst comprehending a series of numerical problems and remaining centred to the spirituality of your surrounds, and keeping your chi balanced.

Or you could be a fat party animal with a good eye.

Jesse Ryder is already a cult figure, figure being the key word.

He was more popular than Shane Watson before he played a shot.

Us arm chair fans tend to like cricketers who don’t look like male models.

Jesse looks like he could sit comfortably in an armchair with a bucket of fried chicken and a bucket of cheap bourbon, so it is very hard to hate the man.

With Inzy, Lehmann, & McMillan gone, the hefty cricket fans need a new role model, who better than Jesse.

In the film Young blood Patrick Swayze says, "Thank God there is a sport for middle-sized white boys,".
Well if I was in a cricket film right now I would say,

"Thank the aliens there is a sport for overweight drunkards".www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"