Sunday, November 30, 2008

Isaac Asimov invents new bat

Bat manufacturers get bored.

There are so many rules involved, and basically all bats look the same.

So some dude over at Gray-Nicolls has seen Roy’s new reserve sweep off the back of the bat, and thought, that would be easier without the point bit on the back.

And fuck me with a feather, he took it off.

A 2020 speciality bat that you can use either side of.

I think it is called the t20 gray-nicholls, and it is not legal yet.

It looks like a big paddle, and may have a good market in initiation ceremonies as well.

The first problem they will have, if they get it legal, is the fact that batsman may not trust it for the conventional big hits.

Channel 9 did a special on it.

They got Mark Taylor to use it, being the 2020 specialist in the box.

He said it felt a little tinny when playing a normal shot, but it seemed to do the reverse things it was designed for quite well.

And just so I can get all the miss spelled google hits this new wand may inspire: tee 20 grey nicholls, twenty20 grey nicols, tt02 gray nickels, and twenty fat gay pickles.

cricketwithballs

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lunch day 4

Oh New Zealand.

Did they even try?

Redmond slashes it to point, Ryder pushes one to cover, and Taylor pops one back to Lee.

How was the only one who was really done with a cracker.

And the catch, oh the catch, at full stretch and then some Ponting gets horizontal and the arm hairs billowing as he holds it in the fingers.

Later on Flynn was done by a Johnson quick reversed one, he doesn’t like them quick.

But it was Lee’s session, he bowled great, even if a few wickets were given to him.

Haddin was in the news again.

Slater talked about how well he has been keeping since he got back to Australia, completely ignoring his drop in Brisbane.

Now he has a better drop to show for himself.

It was spectacularly shithouse.

In the end he was mid air to one he didn’t have to jump to, and looked as if he was slapping it to the ground.

The ball went quick, but there is no doubt he lost the plot.

His 160 was fucking nice, but if he can’t catch, he is not of much use to Australia, later in the session he missed a couple from Hauritz as well.

Recently Chris Hartley from Queensland was saying Australia might need to go back to a proper keeper since the bowlers aren’t as good, and less chances will be coming.

I thought he just wanted his name to be mentioned, but with Haddin regularly missing chances, he may have a point, and only Hartley and Crosthwaite can really keep, but neither can bat at 7 in this test team.

That is still a better problem to have than having your whole top order give their wicket away like a trailer trash virgin.

This is a sad session for the kiwis, losing 5 wickets is shit, but losing 5 top order wickets is much much shit.

Their team doesn't look that bad, so maybe this is the John Bracewell memorial batting effort.

cricketwithballs

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New Zealand's greatest ever spinner

Bowling average of 15 in test cricket.

cricketwithballs

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some questions from the outer

Of recent times there has been alot of questions coming to me via my google hits.

I thought i'd answer a few.

does brett lee smoke?

Only crack.

is Dan Vettori gay?

I doubt it, but he has probably dabbled.

morne morkel looking for love

He'll find it on boxing day.

why ricky ponting is an idiot

I don't have enough time for this.

who did brett lee's wife have an affair with

Beaker, Kermit filmed it.

where is andre nel?

Behind you.

batting balls at zombies

Not sure what this means, but it says zombies.

does mitchell johnson have a tongue ring?

Yes, it helps with fellatio, ask Andrew Hilditch.

he likes to be the caveat emptor in sex

Don't we all.

how to middle every ball in cricket?

Face Aaron Redmond.

is david hussey gay

No, jeez, he is just neat.

is shane watson gay

No, as if he would be that interesting.

james sutherland molestation

By Lalit Modi perhaps...

jacque kallis man or woman

Hermaphrodite.

cricketwithballs

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Has Dan fooled us?

We all assumed Daniel Vettori was a smart man.

He has glasses.

His beard looks very English professor like.

He is known as the thinking woman's crumpet.

Looked like a famous literary character.

Bowls spin.

And generally makes sense when he talks.

This test he has really tested that assumption.

He is clearly injured, and fielding at mid off/on.

You might say, so what.

Well have you ever been to the radelaide oval, its like a million metres long.

In general you shouldn’t put bowlers at mid on or off if they are required for big spells.

But this is special circumstances.

He is injured, he is captain, and he bowled twice as many overs as any other player.

That is dumb cricket.

A day and a half of dumb cricket.

cricketwithballs

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Braddin rocks Radelaide, but lets not jump on the wagon just yet

Brad Haddin just made the innings all his supporters have been waiting for.

It was a top knock.

Especially to watch, the brutalised the Kiwis.

Australia weren’t in alot of trouble before he made it, but they wouldn’t have finished many in front of New Zealand without him.

But let us not get the hand cuffs, whipped cream or video camera out just yet.

This was on a flat batting pitch.

Against the 8th ranked team in world cricket.

With an attack not suited to the conditions.

An injured strike spinner.

And a simple chance being put down.

So its good, and impressive, but it still needs to be seen in perspective.

This was the break out innings, but only last test he dropped a catch he shouldn’t have been going for.

The good news about this innings is that he batted NSWales style.

The Haddin before this was not the NSWales one, this one was.

He took on the bowlers.

He backed himself.

And he changed the game.

Without him, New Zealand still had a hope.

With him, New Zealand looked like a battered house wife/husband/same sex partner/blow up doll.

If he keeps batting like this, he will make more than one eye catching test century, and Luke Ronchi and Tim Paine will have to wait a lot longer.

Haddin’s real test though is against South Africa, what this has done, is bought him lots of time.

And if you are going to make a test century, you might has well make it one people will remember.

Twas a rollicking good time innings, maybe not so much for the kiwis.

cricketwithballs

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Saturday, November 29, 2008

Who is not going to India?

Sky just reported that the sunday telegraph reported that Harmy and Freddie may not be making the trip back to India.

Is anybody surprised that Harmy is the first player mentioned as a possible non tourist.

This giving the players a chance to choose whether they go back is very nice and cuddly, but it does open up a fresh can of crap.

If half the players want to go, and half don't, can England still send a team over, knowing their best players are not playing?

Should players decide individually, and not as a team?

Is Harmy really part gerbil?

cricketwithballs

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lunch day 3

What happened to New Zealand?

Hussey couldn’t finish his Prince Brendan accredited perfect innings.

Roy probably missed one, and gave Doctrove the stare he usually only uses for his fans.

New Zealand were up and away at this point.

The Brad Haddin came in, and did what he has not done once in test cricket.

He changed the game.

For the better.

It was classic NSWales Haddin.

Drives, cuts, pulls and dancing off the spinners.

Even though I am not a big fan, it was good to see him finally play like he does.

He took all the momentum from the Kiwis, and slapped it back to Australia.

Michael Clarke remained not out, but his main role seemed to be to make sure Haddin didn’t give his wicket away.

The kiwis, who looked so great for 20 minutes, then turned to vinegar.

They were ordinary, and defensive.

Vettori bowled around the wicket, while Australia still scored over 100 runs for the session.

The medium pacers all lost their way.

And Redmond tried to continue his great test match, by taking wickets.

His first over made Cameron White look like Anil Kumble.

One more session like this and its take your draws off time.

cricketwithballs

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Australia sit on Dan Vettori, and ride their way to victory

New Zealand took the punt with one spinner, but when they made that decision, they figured that Australia would come at Vettori.

Like a hot bespectacled brunette in a pencil skirt.

Instead Australia played it cool, flirted a little, and Vettori was muffled by their muscular thighs.

These things happen.

Vettori plugged away all day, doing more than a third of the work, and all he had to show for it was Simon Katich.

Not one you can really tell your mates about.

Iain O’Brien on the other hand spent all day in the corner of the bar, talking about star trek and perfect jeans, before he accidentally bumped into a girl, who liked it rough, and they both exchanged unpleasantries and some quick hand relief.

O”Brien will definitely tell his friends about Ponting.

But that was it for the Kiwis.

In Adelaide they like a bit of brown sugar, but Jeetan Patel was brought all the way over because he is the designated driver, and he was too busy getting drinks for others.

Not good news for New Zealand.

They tried.

But the day was predictable, and very dull.


cricketwithballs

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Has Iain been shut down?

Iain O'Brien's blog has not been updated.

The day after he gets ponting, and then sends him off.

Old hairy arms was less than pleased.

The goblin mouthed off once, twice, three times a lady, as Iain had a smile that could light up a bus load of Emos.

The collective term which is emites i suppose.

So where is the post about it?

We want the grit baby.

What did Iain say to get the Goblin so pissed off?

We need answers dammit, so if you are the pencil necked dick wad in charge of editing what Iain thinks, for fucks sake don't edit this out.

cricketwithballs

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Friday, November 28, 2008

2nd test lunch 2nd day

New Zealand decided to declare their innings.

Infact they decided last night when McCullum and Vettori batted out the day like soft cocks.

McCullum and Redmond have changed personalties for this test.

Redmond batted really well before making a 80 odd, and McCullum stood in front of the stumps for a while before going out.

The tail gave up all home and Australia were out their quick smart.

Hayden and katich seemed to have New Zealand by the short and curlies, before Hayden yelled wait and ran, Katich yelled wait and never moved, and Hayden was run out.

There was a run there, but Katich couldn't leave his ground until way to late to make his ground.

Hayden didn't seem notice this, and it cost him his wicket.

Katich didn't stay out too long, Vettori got want to cough up some smoke and take an edge to Jesse under the grill.

The session was pretty evenly balanced, but, Australia only have to get one real partnership and 270 will be easily over hauled.

Lee finished off the tail pretty easily, and Vettori already looks like enough of a threat, that leaving out Patel may have been a mistake.

cricketwithballs

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one out of six aint bad

There is only one batsman in the New Zealand top six who is not test level.

And he top scored yesterday.

How has a lot of talent, usually a good temperament, and a defensive technique you could build a hospital on.

Ryder has a great eye, uncomplicated footwork, an dthe potential to be a top test batsman/drunkard.

Taylor is their best batsman talent wise, and could be a future superstar if he plays straight.

Peter Fulton is no superstar, but there is no reason he couldn’t set himself up in the Paul Collingwood or Michael Hussey mode, cutting out all the risks, and average at least 40 at test level.

And little Daniel Flynn with all that toughness, and not a lot of shots can be a bastard to get out.

The one who isn’t good enough is Redmund, but on the flat pitch, he made the most out of what he had.

He defended when he had to, he attacked when he could, and eventually he just went beyond his skill level.

So what about the others?

How chased a wide one, Ryder had a loss of concentration, and Fulton never looked like his mind was right.

Flynn and Taylor were worked over by clever bowlers.

There is a top 6 there, but you need 500 in the first innings a Radelaide, unless you are England, and unless something magical happens, they are going to come up short.

cricketwithballs

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Aaron falls out of tree even after he gets the knickers off

Poor ol’ Aaron Redmund.

He was like a young boy who had climbed too far up a tree.

Once he was up there, he had no idea what to do.

So instead of slowly retracing his steps, and working his way down, he sat there for ages, and then jumped.

He assumed from that distance he could make it.

He was wrong.

The dude broke his leg.

All this is more horrible because of who the bowler was.

Redmond looks out of his depth in test cricket.

He can’t rotate the strike, so he stays ons strike, and lets bowlers work over his flabby technique.

But at Radelaide, even the dodgiest batsman can look good, and make runs.

And a test hundred is a test hundred, especially against Australia.

You could see Redmund’s pain after he went down, he was in the upchuck position for a few seconds.

There is a chance he will never make a test hundred now, and being caught on the short boundary off a club spinner, is seriously fucked up.

We all know what it feels like to get the hot easy one to the back of your car, start the eager groping, get the knickers off, touch all the naughty bits, only to then do something that turns that person off so much you end up in the upchuck position, alone, miserable, and wondering how it all went wrong.

Poor bastard.

cricketwithballs

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previously at radelaide

Australia

Australia had a pretty good day.

Anything more than 4 wickets, and less than 300 runs at the Oval is handy.

Clark, Lee and Johnson all tried hard, and had spells where they were looking very dangerous.

Hauritz was amazingly lucky twice, but once very unlucky.

Two quick wickets tomorrow and they are all over this match.

New Zealand

They completely dropped the ball today.

How, Redmund, Ryder, Fulton all went out to poor shots.

They gave Australia a stiffy on a flat pitch.

Not good enough.

Play of the day

Jesse Ryder's little dummy spit on his way off.

He threw the bat up and caught it, and he looked like he got to Macca's 8 minutes after closing time.

Testicular moment of the day

Redmund's innings was ballsy, even if he threw it away, because he was taking on bowlers who he is not built to handle.

And he handled them, he kept the good balls out, scored off the loose ones, and when he had a bowler of a similar skill level he took him down.

You've got to give him that.

Luckiest man on earth

Nathan Hauritz.

Sure he got hit for 17 runs in an over, but how many of us would love the oppurtunity to do the same.

Jesse Ryder moment of the day

HE RAN A FOUR.

True story.

cricketwithballs

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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Kevin Rudd can bite my pimply asshole

The Australian government wants to shield Australians from porn.

This is a blatant attempt to silence my anti christian, anti queensland rhetoric.

Bastards.

If you want to read Moses view on all this, go here.

If you want to sign it so Australians can read my smut filled cricket write ups without having to do weird IT stuff, just sign the petition here.

But the question is, do you want to live in a world where you can't visit Iain O'Brien's blog because he has the word fagot/faggot/faget is on it.

Ofcourse not.


cricketwithballs

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2nd test 1st session

New Zealand own the first session.

They started off batting like the hebrew hammer klinger has been doing there all year.

Then Hauritz came on, and Redmund thought he could get a hundred in a session, or in 3 overs.

Hauritz's first over was like Krejza's, except Krejza bowled to GOD HIMSELF (Sehwag) and Hauritz bowled to Redmund.

One four and two sixes.

It was ouchy for Hauritz, you almost felt sorry for him, until you remembered he didn't deserve to be there, and even getting flogged was a privilege.

How looked a bit flat, and eventually chased a wide one, and Ryder was overshadowed, amazingly by Redmund.

Clark bowled well, and probably deserved a wicket.

Lee was flat, and Johnson looked dangerous at times.

Hauritz didn't get any turn, but got alot of movement in the crowd.

The pitch looks flat as, and the ball hardly moved an inch for the whole session.

If any of this seems inaccurate, put it down to me falling asleep until Redmund woke me up with his brutal butt fucking of Hauritz.

Hauritz also miss fielded a four.

New Zealand will be happy to have won a session with the bat

cricketwithballs

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Fun Radelaide Oval Games

How many times the ground is called beautiful by the commentators.

And

How many times Ian Chappell mentions anyone named Les?


cricketwithballs

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kiwis get all serious

While Australia prepare to play a club spinner, New Zealand are getting serious.

They are moving their keeper to number 7.

Getting rid of a budget mercenary bits and pieces player.

And are preparing to play their Andy Bichel on a turner.

All this sounds positive.

The question might be why did it take this long.

Having Ryder, Taylor and McCullum at 3,4 & 5, is a spectators midnight messy erection, but with Flynn and Fulton there and abouts, it was never going to last.

Fulton sort of looks like he could make it at test level.

And Patel is a pretty good offie from what I have seen, although how often have i seen him?

The kiwis are also taking the whole flexible thing seriously.

Picking two spinners on a turning track is flexible.

Ofcourse it helps if you have spinners.

I still see this as a draw, but this could also be the first time in history a team has gone into a test with their two best batsmen at 7 & 8.

The kiwis love looking outside the box.

Ofcourse if you look inside the box in cricket, your a gay.

cricketwithballs

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Rogers keeps up waca torture

Another one dayer, another match winning performance from Rogers.

Who let him go?


cricketwithballs

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was gavin busy?

The tension is killing me.

Is he in, is he out.

What is Gavin Robertson doing these days?

Will Nathan Hauritz get the luckiest test cap since Shaun Young?

Why won't they name the team dagnabbit.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

everyone out

Why does it take multiple people dying for a one day series to be called off.

Surely there could be a dead rubber/dull as shit clause in 7 series on dayers, to spare us from games that have no meaning.

Or in the case of one dayers, even less meaning than usual.

The terrorists probably didn’t have this in mind.

They probably just wanted to kill some people to prove some point.

And before you go saying, well they are obviously cricket lovers, and couldn’t bare to watch a 7 match series that was decided after 4 matches.

Remember this, their actions have also cancelled the ICL and the Champions doodad.

How many friends will that buy them?

Terrorists, outside of Che and few others, have never been very good at PR.

This is a sad day for all the victims, but this also effects world cricket.

And let us not forget that if this happened in a non cricket country, few of us would know about it.

So with cricket in mind, what does this do to world cricket.

Whities are already afraid to go to Pakistan, add India to that, and world cricket is fucked.

The fact that terrorists were looking for Whities will have the Whities panties in a bunch for years to come.

With so few real test nations, can we really afford to lose another one, especially the financial powerhouse?

Few other sports can be damaged by terrorism more than Cricket.

Will cricket survive it?

cricketwithballs

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another puddle of kittens

People seem very worried about Bangladesh, but I see signs of life there.

Today there was more than signs of life.

After making 250odd, they had South Africa 5/134 and were looking pretty damn good.

From there it all went wrong.

Boucher and Mittens Prince put on fucken heaps in an unbroken partnership.

And the game is now way beyond the means of the Kittens.

But it was the way the game was taken from the kittens that pissed me off.

They say the better teams always get the better calls.

Today that seemed true.

They amount of times Mark Boucher was hit in front of the stumps was amazing considering he was not given out once.

I just couldn’t imagine any test nation other than Bangladesh not getting a wicket from that many appeals.

Even Mittens got away with two I would have given.

I am not saying every single one was plumb, but there were more than enough chances given to the batsman out.

Had one of those chances been given out, the kittens were into the tail, and they could have really given South Africa a shake.

Instead South Africa will record another big win, and the kittens continue to bleed out.

cricketwithballs

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Fuck

Hauritz is in.


cricketwithballs

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Watson talks about selection, with a straight face

Shane Watson is biting the hand that wanks him.

Watson played the last match under Australia’s new flexible policy.

But now he hates it.

He thinks cricketers should learn to be more flexible in different conditions.

This from Mr Rigidity.

He is like a clothed David out on the pitch.

Yes that was a weird reference to an Italian sculpture.

But that is what Watson reminds me of.

Now he wants to adapt.

I think of all the people in Australian cricket, Watson is the one who shouldn’t ever talk about selection.

Ever.

Without flexibility he simply wouldn’t have played a test.

His first class record is nowhere near enough to get him a gig as a batsman or a bowler.

But that is Watson.

He just loves talking to the media.

No one from CA vet Watson before he speaks though, not even for irony.

cricketwithballs

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Hauritz to Hell

I don’t know how it happened.

I don’t know why it happened.

And I don’t care.

Just fucken fix it.

Get Hauritz out of Radelaide.

He can only do harm.

Under no circumstances can he be Australia’s spinner.

Not on my watch.

Dan Cullen, Aaron Heal, Jon Holland, or Xavier Doherty I would except.

Not Nathan.

It is a pointless exercise.

At least the others show potential.

Nathan is gone, finished, he doesn’t even get wickets at the SCG anymore.

He was stamped, never again, years ago, that stamp only comes off with brilliant shield performances.

Not mediocre drivel.

6 wickets at 50 in 3 matches does not a test match earn.

Sorry, I want Yoda there, but this is important.

This isn’t India, so Australian spinners don’t get a free tests here.

Hauritz is just not up to it.

He got out bowled by Michael Clarke in his only test.

His bowling average makes Krejza look like a superstar.

He averages less than 2 wickets a game over 40 first class games.

The majority of those were probably at the SCG, the spiniest pitch in Straya.

Not once has he got a 5 for.

And to top that off he is only 27.

Ok that has nothing to do with it.

But, he has had 7 years to make a mark, and nothing.

So many other spinners have made a mark since him.

Cullen’s record isn’t that much better, he averages only 8 runs less, but he has taken four 5 wicket hauls in 5 class cricket from only 4 more matches.

He is bowling as averagely as Hauritz in shield cricket this year, and this is his home pitch.

Or we could just not pick a spinner, since the only one performing in Australia is Marcus North.

cricketwithballs

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a catastraphe hits the world

This is a sad day for cricket.

People are in mourning.

People are checking in with loved ones.

The world seems a colder, darker place.

Iain O'Brien's blog is to be vetted by men in suits.

I feel dirty just writing it.

It was bound to happen.

Perhaps I am to blame.

Perhaps Uncle Rupert is.

Either way, we may never know if Iain finds the perfect pair of jeans now, as surely that will be vetted.

This is a sad day.

cricketwithballs

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Time to trust Shah

While England have been getting routinely thrashed on their travels through India, there has been one ray of solace. Owais Shah, for so long underperforming and untrusted, has most certainly come of age. At 30, he is sure of himself and his game; in Kevin Pietersen, he appears to have found a captain who trusts him, even if it is bewildering that Shah continues to be up and down the order, from six to three, and back again.

The statistics for Shah of late are exceptional. Since the start of the English summer, he has played 13 innings, and scored 514 runs at an average of 47 and a strike-rate of 97. These are impressive figures indeed.With his ability to manoueuvre the ball into gaps aided by his phenomenal hitting down the ground, the product of supreme batspeed, Shah has established himself as one of England's two best one-day batsmen, probably second only to his skipper Kevin Pietersen.

Pietersen showed great faith in Shah and promoted him to number three for the home series with South Africa. Many felt he was better off lower down the order, where his unorthodoxy and power hitting has proved so effective, but Shah hasn't exactly failed at three during this time, averaging over 40 in six innings. However, perhaps tellingly, his two best innings at three were in much-reduced matches, suggesting he is better when he knows exactly what is required of him. The argument does not completely hold up, though, given he has batted in the top three for Middlesex for years.

Clearly, England are confused over his best position. In the second game of this series, Shah made a somewhat slow 58 batting at three. He was promptly moved back down to six, scoring a useful 40 at nigh-on a run-a-ball. In game four, with England having only 22 overs to bat, many were mystified when Pietersen moved down from three, and Shah back up there. But Shah is probably England's best Twenty20 batsman, and proved as much with a fantastic 72 from 48 balls, treating the spinners and seamers with disdain, especially with his trademark flat-batted straight drive. Had he taken England home with a century, as seemed possible, Shah would have been a hero, but he nonetheless reminded all of his limited-overs skills. So it seemed bizarre when he was moved back down to six for the fifth game in the series. He seemed unflusterred, however, providing England's innings with late-order impetus en route to 66*.

England seem convinced that Shah must bat at either three or six. But this seems ridiculous. Pietersen, as England's skipper and best batsman, should bat at three. Shah, not the out-of-form Paul Collingwood, should bat at four, where his dexterity against spin and at the end of the innings can be exploited, and he can be shielded from perceived weaknesses agaianst the new seaming ball.

Owais Shah is playing the best cricket of his career. England seemed in danger of squandering a fine, albeit sometimes infuriating talent; after scoring 88 and 38 on Test debut in India two years ago, he played only three ODIs in the next fourteen months. Most bewilderingly of all, Ravi Bopara, then with just one ODI 50 to his name, was preferred to shah for the series in Sri Lanka a year ago. England can't keep having Shah as their spare batsman; he is in form, knows the conditions and deserves a run in the Test side at last.

Through sheer force of runs, Shah has established himself as an indispensable member of England's one-day side, one of the very few players able to take the game with conviction to the opposition. Paul Collingwood may have struck a brilliant, career-saving hundred only two Tests ago. But, given their vastly contrasting form, who would India rather bowl to in the Tests?

supervillian drops the white cat on its head

Morne has done it again.

Everytime I watch him bowl of late he is in the middle of the worst over ever.

Today his over had a happy ending.

But before that it went for 3 fours and a no ball before some nameless little kitten played on.

1/13 in one over.

That’s a spell.

I don’t know what is going on in that head of his, but it isn’t line or length.

According to the commentators he was trying to bowl 6 different kind of deliveries an over.

I disagree, he bowled two kinds, shit and lucky.

He seems to try too hard to do everything right.

He is an earnest quick.

They are a rare breed, Mitchell Johnson was the last one.

And soon they will go head to head.

Perhaps which ever one keeps his head out of his own ass will help his team to victory.


cricketwithballs

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Practise Sehwagology son

There is a moment in When we were kings where Drew Bundini Brown looks at the camera and says "How you gonna beat god son?".

Almost everytime Sehwag is in full swing this line goes through my head.

It is probably what inspired Sehwagology, not the religion itself, but the writing up of it.

I am just the messenger.

You don't get Sehwag out, he leaves when he is finished.

There is just an infallibility to him.

You know he is going to leave, but what will he take with him.

Today he took the game.

England weren't great, but their target should have taken some getting.

It took Sehwag.

He was electric against the quicks, and when Swann came on he wanted the boy to remember it for a while.

It's brutal grace.

In some ways he looks like a suburban golfer on ether, but in others he almost looks like a boxer in full control.

He reacts to the bowling so well, it's almost as if he knows what is coming, and his only decision is where to dismiss it.

The thing that separates him from sloggers is reaction, he doesn't come at you in a premeditated way, he waits for you to come to him, and then deals with what you have.

He has a sloggers nerve, a batsman's eye, and he trusts them.

I don't know how he does what he does, but I hope one day he gets the full credit he deserves.

How you gonna snub God son?

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

blogs are not formal

Some people make jokes about how Queensland is behind the time.

I have never done that, I prefer to call them New Texas and ignore them.

But it is hard to not bag them for being behind the time with fagotgate.

The head of QLD cricket has said there is no formal complaint of anyone being called faggot/faget/fagot.

That is true.

But there is a blog.

A blog where people from around the world has read about how drunken fucktards in Brisbane called the suishi loving Iain O’Brien a fagot/faget/faggot.

According to Graham, that doesn’t count.

Blogs are wonderful, and just because you are behind the times and still only use the internet for surfing porn, doesn’t mean the rest of us do.

O’Brien’s blog is obviously legit, it has a picture of him on it, and no one would would fake that.

Also I have consulted several experts in kiwiology, and they all believe it is him.

So it’s formal all right, its all over the internet.

I am not sure whether it’s a big deal, as I reported the fagot comments here before the mainstream media did, and not one of you seemed to care.

Homophobia has not quite reached the racism levels of political correctness yet.

Although in a funny twist, the people who called him fagot/faggot/faget could have been reading his blog, seen the bit where he said he was looking for the ‘perfect’ pair of jeans, and decided he was a faget/faggot/fagot based on that.

Assuming they could read.

This sort of stuff would have never happened in Melbourne.

Iain would have been hit in the head with a golf ball, and his sexuality would have stayed out of it.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

i am not getting paid for this plug

True Story.

But i figured you people may want to buy up these little gems.

They is T shirts, and i think they are worth a free plug.

YOu can get them here.

First is the Bill.

Then the Richie.

And if you are drunk, or Sri Lankan you may want the Tony.

If you are the owner of Nipple Cripple, i'll have an XL of the Bill thanks.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

If the guardian is a truthful paper, england is crap

England have developed a brilliant new strategy to avoid losing 7 nil in their one day series.

Less practice, more talky.

It makes sense really.

Where has practice got them, no where.

Although unless they are talking about taking an early trip home, you can’t see it doing a whole lot of good.

Andy Bull for the guardian wrote a great little piece in his off spin mail out about how England need to face up to the fact they just aren’t as good at one day cricket as India are.

According to him India haven’t lost to England in a one dayer in 7 years and dating a freaky liar.

That seems like a long time to me.

7 years ago I was living in a townhouse with my cousin and a speed freak.

Elvis was still alive.

Britney was still a virgin, at least anally.

Bryce McGain was a club cricketer.

And KP was still listed as South African on cric info.

Things have changed now, but for the nostalgics who think the world is moving to fast, they can look at England and feel a sense of security.

Some things change.

Some stay the same.

India are good.

England are not.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Speech recognition fun

I just got some speech recognition software.

It's useless.

So instead of using it to do tasks with, I typed in cricket sentences, and then watched what it had to say.

David Hussey is going to b Australia’s next PM or my name is not Uncle Jrod.

David Hussey is going to be screened at the end or mine and not on general

When bowling legspin, farting does not help as much as you would think.

When will extend marketing do not drop as much as you think

The world will be a cold and dark place when the prophet of sehwagology retires.

The world will be at fault and flights were profits over acknowledging that size

I would like to build an army out of zombie legspinners, with Tiger Bill their general.

Others like build an army as a militant would try to build the general

Cricket is a game best played pantless.

Critic is again as the hapless

If Michael Atherton was an object, he would be a shoe horn.

If Michael Atherton was an object eve of the issue born

Shivnarine Chandrepaul needs those black sticky things to keep his face together.

Should match arable vetoes like sticky things to keep his first together

Iain O’Brien likes sushi.

In a grind like sushi

The 3rd powerplay ruling could be the most important rule since timed out was invented.

That the adult local and could be the most important rule since time doubt that invented

In the beginning the demon Fred Spofforf had a great mo.

In the beginning the daemon press offers a great time

If more cricketers ate cheese, the world would be a better place.

Is more crude of the genes that will be a better place

Look Andre Nel has come to kill us all.

Look Andre has come to kill us all

Kumar Sangakarra is way cooler than Steve McQueen, but not quite at Lee Marvin’s level.

To my stake is one pulled and Steve McQueen is not quite the funds level yet

Every Tuesday Jacques Kallis feeds the starving orphans, to Graeme Smith.

Every Tuesday night fallacies that Simon Walkmans, to grandstand

Look Sunil Gavaskar is getting fucked by a chick with a strap on.

Look side of the matter is getting rocked by Jupiter

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

moles in, braces out

The Kiwis have a new coach.

Not the one they wanted.

Nor the one Daniel wanted.

Or even the one that Prince Brendan wanted.

But a shiny new coach who is not Braces.

His name is Andy Moles formerly of Warwickshire they tell me.

And his credentials include Scotland, Kenya, Hong Kong, & other places that no one in the cricket world cares about.

Moles won the position because no one else wanted it.

And Steve Rixon was busy talking up Haddin and coaching the Hyderabad Heroes and the Faux Indian XI.

It does say something when teams like New Zealand struggle to get a coach.

Matthew Mott obviously thought NSWales was a better meal ticket in the short term, and once he was turned their youngsters into test players, he can step up into the big time.

For Moles this is an opportunity, anything is a step up from Hong Kong or Northern Districts.

But have New Zealand got the best candidate, or the only one who wanted the job?

Justin Vaughan, head NZC administracrat, said Moles has 15 years coaching experience, but he didn’t retire from county cricket till 98.

The appointment seemed to be rushed when Mott said no.

That isn’t saying Moles wont be any good, all he has to do is keep his mouth shut and most Kiwi fans will warm to him.

You just worry that with coaches getting IPL/ICL contracts, whether the small countrie can afford the best, or just have to sign up who ever is left.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Iain's spelling is critiqued by Uncle Rupert

We all asked how long it would last.

Richard of sportsreview fame said 4 days.

Sportsfreak & I figured even less.

I didn't talk to Ben at Mike on cricket, but he would have had an opinion as well.

What am I talking about, Iain O’Brien’s blog.

While it hasn’t been edited/takendown/burntatthestake/sodomized yet, it can only be a matter of time with Foxsports running with direct quotes from the blog about Iain O’Brien being called a fagot.

Although Foxsports went with the more well known spelling of the word, faggot.

Trust Foxsports to ruin something pure and innocent.

The blog, not the spelling of the word faggot, which, if I remember my Korn listening days correctly, can also be spelt faget.

Finally we get a cricketer willing to talk about how he really feels in cricket, and Foxsports make a big deal of it one test in.

New Zealand Cricket aren’t going to want the truth coming out.

I mean when Iain gets bored about finding the perfect pair of jeans he may write something like, “that new bloke Moles seems like a good coach, but three times he has ‘accidently’ touched my penis, should I tell Vaughan about it?”.

How embarrassing would that be.

Especially if Moles gets his own blog, and starts talking about how Iain keeps rubbing his crotch on him.

You sense the madness that could ensue, and NZC would want none of it.

Anything that is good for the fans is automatically bad from an administrcratic point of view.

I mean he has already been called a fagot/faggot/faget, what if in Adelaide he is called a hermaphrodite, and he blogs about that.

Think of the children.

What will they blog about, one of them may even start up a blog called Iain O’Brien’s Intersex cricket blog.

And then where will we be.

In multi gender hell, that’s where.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

being flexible means you have to bend over

The push to end Clark’s career is now in full swing.

Ponting is talking about being flexible.

Clark’s bad record at Radelaide and his age are being mentioned.

And Peter Siddle is being pushed forward.

I think Clark will play in Adelaide, but only just.

Siddle just struggled against the Warriors, and must be short of match practice, having played one test, one first class match and whatever that thing was in Brisbane in the last 7 weeks.

Surely this isn’t the perfect time to pick him on a flat pitch.

Clark may struggle on flat pitches as well, but he just took 4 wickets against the kiwis in the second dig, and looked closer to his old form.

A lot has been made of Australia’s new flexible selection policy.

Under Ponting selection was always more rigid than a boy in a brothel, now they are going to other extremes.

It reeks of panic, and urine.

And you know what flexible selection policy means, flexible bowling line ups.

Mike Hussey isn't going to be rested on a flat pitch so his brother can come in and score quicker.

Hayden isn't going to miss out when the ball is swinging.


And they aren’t going to drop Roy for the Waca test because he doesn’t play the short ball well.

Flexible always means bowlers, or at worst, all rounders.

It must be something batsmen came up with, bastards.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Monday, November 24, 2008

a cricketer speaks his mind, he thinks about sushi

Anyone who has ever read a ghosted article by a cricketer, or a 'blog' written by a cricketer will know of the excruciating pain.

It's like being sent to a concentration camp, or listening to Wham.

But Iain O'Brien has smashed all previous expectations of cricketers typing.

How, on a blog, his own blog.

A cricketer with a regular non paid blogspot blog.

He reports from each test day.

So far that is only at the gabba, and some thoughts from the tour game.

I love it.

These are some of my favourite moments.

Lunch was sushi

Back to the hotel and I get a phone call from the NZ Cricket President, not the normal call. He was bringing over the first 'prototype' of my underwear.

Finger up, I'm off! Arse! Really not the day I was hoping for!

I don't know how many times I've was called a 'fagot' this afternoon!

NZ vs Aust - Gabba - Day Three
... and we're in the shit.

I felt angry again, I really wanted to throw my kit around (I'm not a gear thrower at all), I wanted to kick holes in walls (I'm really not like that at all), I wanted to punch holes in the shower doors (again, not me) and I really felt drained of energy and emotions.

I really hate loosing

I asked for the bowling machine to be 'cranked' up, in order to try to get used to the pace that will be coming at me in the middle. Shit it was quick.

First ball, quick, full, and I defend it. Next ball, bouncer, oh shit, I hate bouncers, I duck it, and get under it well. I stood straight back up and stared straight back at Johnson. I wasn't go to show him nothing. "Whatever pal, you can bowl quick, but I'm not taking a backward step." That was a thought of course, I wasn't going to start to get into verbals with them

My left tit to be precise. That hurt, and not how I wanted to play it.

Next ball, fullish, and I'm through my shot, spoon it weakly out to point. How damn weak was that.


If cricketers said to the press, we're in the shit, more often, the world would be a better place.

So get over to read a bit of Iain, cause fuck knows NZC will try and shut it down as soon as they can.

I am sure it breaks some sort of rules that some sort of suit has drawn up.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Vics win, again, again

Chris Rogers enjoys his first visit home.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

does he fail in his dreams

Cricketers often have rich dreams and brilliant fantasies.

That is why they all write such genius books.

It’s all the spare time sitting in the sheds you see.

And very few people have had more time in the sheds than Vaughan.

But instead of writing a book, he tells the media of his fantasies.

Regaining his spot in the English team.

As if English cricket wasn’t at a low enough ebb.

Vaughan wants a trip to the Caribbean.

I suggest all English fans to chip in and buy him a ticket, get him a nice hotel, and make sure its not an island they play cricket on.

The English team needs to shake him off.

He had his time, sometimes he did great, sometimes he did bad.

But England does not need an ex player who has decided at 34 he wants back in.

This is not a carousel Michael.

England need top class batsmen, not guys who were once, but now go golfing mid season.

By the time he gets back in the side he will be 35, so are England building a team for the now, or for the now and beyond.

There is no guarantee his batting is going to come back to him.

There is no guarantee his presence wont get on the nerves of KP.

And there is no guarantee he wont get bowled while looking like a text book.

I understand leaving test cricket must be hard, but is he coming back because he thinks it is best for the team, or best for him.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Mr 30%

Australia have been fined for their slow over rate again.

The ICC has come down hard.

No one expected them to give such a heavy sanction.

Finally they are getting ready to rid the cricket world of this stain.

Ricky Ponting was in shock "I knew they were getting serious, but i never thought they'd do this, how will i be able to pay my butler".

The rest of the team has been handed down 15% fines.

It's hit them all hard.

Shane Watson has had to cut back on his vitamins.

Mitchell Johnson has cancelled is subscription to karate chicks magazine.

Brett Lee is making all his Indian agents call him now.

And Hayden has stopped printing his photos on matte finish.

It's tough times.

If you would like to support the impoverished Australian cricketers, please go to http://savearichasscricketerbeforetheyhavetomovetoaworkingclasssuburb.org.

Your players need you.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Roy fishes for trouble

Roy is back.

Not in form.

But in trouble.

This time it is being involved in a bar altercation.

Unfortunately it all sounds pretty tame, and he didn't hit anyone with a barramundi.

Shame.

Apparently some dude had a go at him in a pub James Sutherland would never drink in.

Luckily for you i have an updated copy of the players conduct conditions that all Australian cricketers must sign.

Roy has broken several clauses:

17.67a Drinking alcohol is fine, but you cannot drink in any bar that thinks bundy & coke is a cocktail.

88.96c Players may stay out till dark, but must be tucked up in their hotel room bed by the time the first episode of CSI or Law & Order is being shown in Australia.

1a Thou shall never drink with Rugby players, if you have to slum it, find an aussie rules player.

65.23d Australian cricketers will have no personality.

So this means the end for Roy.

Under these rules he will be put down at a simple ceremony out the back of Radelaide oval, just near the place where Mark Cosgrove hides his pizza boxes.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Sachin's role in ODI team

I had argued in a column for DNA that the return of Sachin to the ODI team would be disruptive in several respects (Sachin's return is mistimed). Not surprisingly, it got a vitriolic reaction from the legions of Sachin fans. The Bangalore match, however, only confirms my basic premise. It is not that Sachin does not deserve a place in the side. But is the Sachin-Sehwag opening combo better than the Gambhir-Sehwag pairing? I don't think so. In fact, if Sachin had not got out when he did, we might have fallen short of what we eventually got. In the middle order, he would lend stability, but only if we need to consolidate. On Indian pitches, that is rarely a requirement. Besides, when we've already won the series, should Sachin's place not be used to groom a future star?

In praise of the batting power play

[b]The latest ICC amendment to the One Day International playing conditions looks like being a hit with spectators and batsmen, if not bowlers.[/b]

The batting power play is cricket’s best new regulation for some time. It might not be as significantly game-changing as the expanded third umpire referral system, but its introduction represents a much-needed fillip for 50 over cricket and shows the law-makers do take spectator enjoyment into consideration.

The new system needs tinkering. There is a grey area surrounding the element of choice involved â€" what happens if fielding team and batting team want to take their power play at the same time?

The current convention is for the fielding captain to tag his power play onto the first 10 overs of compulsory fielding restrictions, with the batting side targeting a spell two thirds through the innings, around the time of the mandatory ball change at 34 overs.

However, a flying start by the batting team might prompt them to call for their power play at the same time the fielding captain does; whose power play it is is important, as the state of the game might be very different after 15 overs â€" either side might not want to choose their power play at that stage.

Bowling changes also need to be looked at. It is part of the cat-and-mouse nature of the rule for the batting team to pounce on a part-time bowler by commencing five overs of fielding restrictions; for the fielding captain to stand down a fill-in bowler at the start of his run-up in favour of his star man goes against the spirit of the new regulation.

These are mere teething problems. The meandering middle overs of a One Day innings have been instantly enlivened and a new tactical dimension is introduced. Big hitters can now reside at four and five in the batting order rather than as openers or number seven sloggers â€" it is the licence Andrew Flintoff has needed to play his natural game, although as Kevin Pietersen’s power play go-to bowler, he must curse the new regulation.

India’s current superiority over England might persuade them to try new batting power play tactics â€" as soon as possible as mentioned above if Virender Sehwag is in full flight, or at the death if Yuvraj Singh and Yusuf Pathan are new to the crease â€" although the ease with which teams score in the batting power play asks some interesting questions.

Why do England remain so incapable of utilising the 10 overs of compulsory power play? Why do all batsmen not play with more freedom at all times? Is limited overs cricket heading towards a full innings of fielding restrictions? These queries suggest the batting power play is here to say and not about to join the Supersub on the ICC scrapheap of abandoned regulations.


[b]Written by Philip Oliver, a sports writer who blogs about cricket betting.[/b]

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Rixon sticks up for his boy

Brad Haddin is struggling.

Sure this makes me happy, but others are less so.

Especially Steve Rixon, his former teacher and coach.

He believes the pressure has gotten to Brad Haddin, and so that Australia don’t miss out on one of their best ever keepers, he should be given a 2 year run without the chance of being dropped.

RIXON YOU MAD FUCKER.

If the dude can’t handle the pressure of test cricket and the selection process, why the hell would we give him two yers, he's 31 already.

Ronchi and Paine aren’t putting any pressure on him, so it's all in his head, life is tough though Brad, get through it, or get out of the way.

Test cricket is all about the pressure.

If he can’t handle it, maybe this game isn’t for him, if it is, he will make runs and stop fumbling and solidify his spot.

There are no free rides because he has put in for the NSWales cause.

He has been given 8 tests Rixon, 4 of them against the 7th & 8th ranked teams in the world, and nothing has come of it.

His keeping is slipping, his batting is average, and he looks like a shadow of himself.

Maybe getting dropped will fire him up.

Maybe Ronchi and Paine aren’t ready, but how long do you carry a bloke because people think he has earned his spot at the level below.

That isn’t how this works.

He earned his spot, and now he needs to keep it by performing.

8 tests is more than most players get to prove themselves.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Kiwis, so close to heaven with their heads in the clouds

New Zealand did well with the ball, take out Clarke and Katich once each and they were on the mark in this game.

But they aren’t going to get too many wickets in Australia that suit them better.

Since they are only playing on one other pitch in this series*.

The test at Radelaide oval should be drawn going on the Klinger Kurve this year, but it should allow Jesse Ryder and Ross Taylor to make hundreds if they concentrate.

McCullum as well.

The ball will spin, so O’Brien or Southee may miss for Patel.

Although I heard Mills was rubbish in the way he gave the boys their red bull, so Patel may have been brought over just for that.

An attack of Martin, Southee, Vettori, and Patel is probably not the worst for Radelaide.

But 20 wickets is a long way off.

Australia bring Krejza in for Watson, and Roy will bowl more spin.

Also Radelaide can get a bit of reverse for Tait, so will be interesting to see if the aussie quicks can work it out.

I can’t see the second test being anywhere near as good as this one.

*A series is 3 tests or more you scrotum headed freaks at the ICC.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

North owns the West

Marcus North does back to back hundreds all over Victoria.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Dear Simon,

We’ve had our up and downs.

Ok, mostly downs.

There has always been a certain friction between us.

I blame you, that technique is grating on the eyes, and ofcourse there was leaving a neutral state for the devil so you could get a test cap.

People could say I was overly harsh at times, sure they remembered the 05 ashes, and some of them even remember you opening with Gilchrist, but they thought that with 'another' extended run you could come good, and no one deserves as much vitriol as i gave you.

They were wrong.

They never saw you in state cricket, shuffling around like a demented hermit krab scoring at a strike rate that could bore Boycott.

They don’t know the pain you have put me through.

Watching you bat was like getting an enema from a bear with chainsaws for hands.

I still feel that way.

But, just because aesthetically you pain me, does not mean I cannot see your niche in the team at this very moment.

You are the coal miner in a bunch of stockbrokers and accountants.

And I am not just saying that because you are dirty a lot of the time, and I cough when I think of you.

Right at the moment the Australian team needs someone to make ugly runs.

Sure that hurts me to say it, but it’s true.

Almost every other time you have played this has not been the case.

Obviously a lot of those times were the selectors fault, but with you krabbing around I took it out on you, occasionally I may have gone too far.

Probably not through.

Anyway, your 4 hundreds in 8 tests have placated my anger.

Don’t think I have gone soft though Simon, if you fuck up I will fling as much faeces and bile at you to drown an elephant.

Right at the moment you are doing ok, so don’t fuck that up, and I’ll try to keep the insults down to the bare minimum of one per post.

Cheers

Jrod

PS I’m still going to call you the Krab, especially now it is Michael Slater approved.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Playing a different game

India’s series-clinching defeat of England was in doubt for large portions of England’s run-chase, as Owais Shah and Andrew Flintoff valiantly hauled England back into contention. But had they seen England home it would have concealed a desperate lack of flexibility in the side’s batting â€" and perhaps most fundamentally, a lack of collective skill.

The decision to open with Bell and Bopara, as if it was a 50-over chase rather than a 22-over one, betrayed a complete inability of England’s management to think on their feet. Bell has shown signs of being a good one-day opener, playing second fiddle, but simply lacks the explosive hitting crucial in a match that was virtually a Twenty20.

England needed to show intent from ball one to chase down the target of 198. Instead, they mustered a paltry 21 from their first six Powerplay overs, a familiar tale. They should have done everything to ensure their best players faced as many balls as possible â€" obvious, perhaps, but they palpably failed to do so. Opening with Shah, alongside Bopara, and having Pietersen at three and Flintoff at four would have showed a flexibility that would have worried India. Bell’s 12 runs from 15 balls hardly constituted the flying start England needed.

Owais Shah played an exceptional innings, displaying his powerful straight-hitting and unorthodoxy: finally, he has cemented his role in the one-day side, though his best position remains the subject of conjecture. Yet had he taken England home it would only have concealed their pitiful efforts at the start and end of the innings, at their complete inability to adapt to the demands of the situation. Put simply, they appeared to be playing a different game from India, lacking firepower at the start and end of the innings and, save for Shah, Flintoff and Pietersen, the ability to hit sixes.

This side below may be the best England can muster in Indian conditions in 50-over games, although it probably still isn’t good enough:
Bell
Bopara
Pietersen
Shah
Flintoff
Collingwood
Prior
Mascharenhas
Swann
Broad
Harmison (given that Sidebottom is injured)

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Morne Morkel loses his superpower

In England Dale Steyn didn't fire.

And the press didn't seem to care.

They had Morne Morkel, the commentators were madly in love with him.

There was alot to like, tall, fast, and hard to play.

But somewhere the supervillain sounding Morkel lost it.

Almost every time i see him play he seems to break down.

The latest one was against the Kittens.

Now if you can't handle the pressure when playing the kittnes, your first trip to Australia is going to be hell.

This was an over by Morkel.

33.1 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, FOUR, full and too straight, flicked away with ease.
33.2 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, no run, no shot offered.
33.3 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, FOUR, full and wide, beautiful cover drive.
33.4 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, FOUR, too straight from Morkel and flicked down fine.
33.5 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, 1 no ball
33.5 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, 1 no ball, another no-all, backward defence.
33.5 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, 1 wide, very wide outside off. Morkel struggling.
33.5 Morkel to Mushfiqur Rahim, 1 run, driven to Smith at mid-off.
33.6 Morkel to Shahadat Hossain, no run

The score before the over was 8/132 in the first innings.

That is some break down.

And in the second innings he wasn't much better.

This has been happening alot, something in Morkel's skull is disconnected.

Apparently the boy is a bit of a thinker, and that can often lead towards head fucks.

Morkel seems to be dealing with them alot.

Usually this wouldn't be a huge problem, Morkel could completely collapse and the worlds favourite serial killer Andre Nel could come in.

But his knee is gone, and he isn't even travelling to Australia.

Instead Zondeki and Lonwabo Tsotsobe are the back ups.

Morkel's head is never going to be tested more than in Australia.

This is something to keep an eye on.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Dhoni Disgusted

What the hell is going on with India.

They have just one an important series, they have just got their dream captain, and they are 3 zip up in this series.

Other places may be full of joy happiness and love ins.

Not India.

Dhoni was so pissed that Rp Singh was going to be assed for Irfan Pathan, he apparently offered his resignation.

How do we know this, because it leaked.

How much more angry did this make Dhoni, lots more angry.

Dhoni probably wasn’t really resigning, he was probably just trying to make a point.

But now his and the selectorial business is all out in the open.

This is not how successful teams behave.

This is for teams that are falling apart at the seams.

Get it together India, selection squabbles should only come out years alter when big book deals have been signed.


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Chris Rogers earns his Neds

Chris Rogers tries to prove his Victorianess by slamming his old mob.


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the fog of fuckwits

England are losing.

So they are using their time as effectively as they can.

Whinging about fog and light and shit.

Yeah it’s annoying, but why weren’t the floodlights used?

Oh because England and India agreed that the lights wouldn’t be used for day games.

So stop your whinging boys.

And by boys I mean the team, and the media.

Let us not even mention that the last 9 overs were going to be bowled mostly by Anderson, Patel and KP.

Instead let us fixate on losing the game because the lunch break was too long.

One word for you people, flood lights.

Ok two words that can be combined to one, if required.

This is not a big issue gents, your 3 losses is a big issue.

This is a game you were losing, that was called off early.

Sure you could have come back and won, but Swann was bowled out, Flintoff and Broad had two between them.

And you didn’t win, because of the rules of the game, common sense is a wonderful thing, but when has it had anything to do with professional sports.

Perhaps you guys should worry more about winning a game, because if not you drop tour for the rest of the tour.

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The Gregorys - Chapter Three

While two other English teams had toured Australia since the first led by HH Stephenson in the early 1860s, it was James Lillywhite’s tour of Australia in 1876/77 that has since been recognized as providing the start of Test cricket. As with all English teams that toured Australia prior to the M.C.C.’s involvement in 1903, Lillywhite’s side was organized privately and was not considered an official English representative side when it left.

Lillywhite, a left hand slow-medium pace bowler and lower order batsman, had previously toured North America in 1868 and was a member of W.G. Grace’s 1873/74 side to Australia. He was a member of a well-respected family within English cricketing circles. Although he was the son of a bricklayer, John Lillywhite, his uncle Frederick and cousins James snr. and John Lillywhite also all played first class cricket in England professionally. The family’s Lillywhite Cricketers’ Annual rivalled Wisden as the pre-eminent ‘bible’ of the game for many years. By 1877, he was thirty five years old and had considerable experience in first class cricket. He had made his debut in 1862 for Sussex, and ultimately played a total of 256 first class games.

The twelve member team that Lillywhite brought out was composed entirely of professional players from only four counties. Joining Lillywhite from Sussex were Henry Charlwood and James Southerton, with Thomas Armitage, Tom Emmet, Andrew Greenwood, Allan Hill and George Ulyett from Yorkshire, Henry Jupp and Edwin Pooley from Surrey, and John Selby and Alfred Shaw from Nottinghamshire. Shaw was the vice-captain of the touring party, and also acted as the assistant manager. Shaw had been previously been invited to tour Australia by Grace, but had chosen not to take part.

The Lillywhite tour was arranged in conjunction with Victorian player and journalist John Conway, and was financed by a wealthy English farmer, Arthur Hogben. The players all agreed to tour for a total of one hundred and fifty pounds a man, with a share of profits taken from the matches. The only exception was the Alfred Shaw who asked for and received three hundred pounds in return for his role as assistant manager. One of main reasons Shaw had not chosen to take part in the 1873/74 related to the second-class travel arrangements for all professionals, with only the amateurs receiving first class passage. With this tour being composed entirely of professionals, Lillywhite organized that they all travelled and stayed first-class. The team’s sea voyage to Australia took forty eight days on the P & O steamship Poonah, with stops in Malta, Suez and King George’s Sound at Albany to refill with coal.

As the tour was only composed of professionals, many of the greatest English batsmen were not present. For a period of ten years between 1871 and 1880, the top English batsmen were exclusively amateurs. Grace, who had captained the touring party of Australia four years previously in 1873, was without doubt the most famous cricketer in the world, and his first class record over this period of 16,877 runs at an average of just under 49 was almost 18 runs better than his nearest rival. Other notable players of the age who did not tour with Lillywhite included Lord Harris, Arthur Shrewsbury, the Hon. Alfred Lyttleton, Allan Steel, ‘Monkey’ Hornby, Richard Barlow, and Alfred Lucas. Grace’s brothers G.F. and E.M. also were famous non-starters; in fact Fred Grace was proposing a rival tour to Lillywhite’s that did not eventuate. The fact that Fred Grace’s team did not transpire was highly significant; with another English team touring Australia in parallel it is unlikely that a game with Lillywhite’s XI would have afterwards been given the status of the inaugural Test match.

Despite the unavailability of players of this, it was a side of seasoned and well performed professional players, with Alfred Shaw considered the premier bowler in England and Edward Pooley the best wicketkeeper in the country. Prior to the tour the English expectations were that they would not be troubled greatly by the colonies. Lillywhite’s team struggled on the tour, losing first to a New South Wales XV by two wickets, then to a Victorian XV by 31 runs, and finally to another New South Wales XV. The Melbourne Punch magazine became somewhat overconfident at this point, putting forward a somewhat tongue-in-cheek view that in a decade an Australian XI would be playing against an All England XV.

With these victories, the Victorian Cricket Association was sufficiently confident as to consider that the time had come for a match to take place against combined colonial team on even terms, with eleven per side. Their enthusiasm was dampened a little with an impressive performance by Lillywhite’s side in a game against a New South Wales XI, but it was decided to progress with a Combined NSW-Victoria XI against the All England XI. This game was set down to begin on the 15th of March, 1877. Lillywhite agreed to this additional match, and whilst his side headed to New Zealand for a two month tour, the hard work of organizing the combined eleven began. Conway, who had been the key Australian contact in planning the Lillywhite tour, was instrumental in the coordination of this game that was initially referred to by the media as the “grand combination match.”

In 1877, the federation of Australia was still almost twenty five years in the future. When the British first settled Australia in 1788, all the land was referred to as New South Wales. New settlements such as Van Diemen's Land (Tasmania) in 1803, Moreton Bay (Brisbane) in 1824, and Port Phillip (Melbourne) in 1835 were established over the next few decades. Whilst these were overseen from Sydney initially, the new colonies complained of neglect and demanded their right to govern themselves. The British Government’s Australian Colonies Government Act of 1850 empowered the colonies to frame their own constitutions, establish legislation and determine the voting rights for legislation. In 1851, Victoria gained its legislation under this act, and this development created further divisions and differences. Victoria and New South Wales viewed themselves as adversaries, rather than as a potential coalition. Some of this enmity arose from the fact that Sydney had originated as a penal settlement, while Melbourne was composed of free settlers. Both states tended to view the other with considerable suspicion, with inter-colonial trade barriers and tariffs greatly restricting free commerce between the two states. There were also significant complications associated with varying navigation, insurance and quarantine laws, postal services, the gauge of railway lines and banking. Even though New South Wales was the most populous state, Victoria was quickly closing the gap and was becoming the centre of many important manufacturing and commercial enterprises, a situation that led to considerable jealousy on the part of politicians in Sydney.

With a considerable amount of inter-colonial rivalry ever present, the naming of a mutually acceptable side was always going to prove a difficult exercise. As a compromise, it was initially conceived that the team would be composed of six players from New South Wales and five from Victoria. The Victorians, and Conway in particular, bypassed the New South Wales Cricket Association and approached the Sydney-based players directly to take part. That Association was clearly disgruntled at being ignored, and issued the following resolution: “It has been publicly notified that a game is about to be played between the All-England Eleven and a combined eleven of New South Wales and Victoria. This association desires to place on record that the game has been arranged without any reference to the association, and cannot be regarded as a match in which chosen representatives of NSW take part.” As one of the most respected and senior players in Sydney, Dave Gregory, in particular, was subject to considerable pressure from the NSW cricket authorities not to take part in a game lacking their direct sanction.

One of the first problems facing the organizers was agreeing upon a ground on which to hold the match. As the game was being organized by the Victorian Cricketers’ Association, the Melbourne Cricket Club’s Richmond Paddock was the obvious choice. The only problem was that Lillywhite had agreed prior to the tour commencing to play his matches on the East Melbourne Club’s main ground. This was the result of the proposed rival tour by G.F Grace that had booked the Melbourne Cricket Ground before Lillywhite could. Conway examined the options for Lillywhite, with five recreational grounds in the East Melbourne area. In addition to the Melbourne Cricket Club’s Richmond Paddock, there were also established pitches at Richmond Cricket Oval, Gosch’s Paddock, and two ovals run by the East Melbourne Club. With the Melbourne Cricket Ground pre-booked by Grace’s tour, East Melbourne was the next-best option Conway to organize for Lillywhite. Ultimately it would not have been an issue, as Fred Grace’s tour did not go ahead, but the agreement to play games at the East Melbourne Ground had been signed before Grace cancelled his plans.

Changing the location of the game from East Melbourne to the Melbourne Cricket Ground would not appear difficult. There were, however, a variety of factors that added to the problems facing the organizers. The Melbourne and East Melbourne Clubs were in the middle of a protracted dispute regarding the allocation of gate money, and they had refused to play each other that year in the Melbourne club competition. The East Melbourne Club’s committee regarded it as a major coup to have captured the rights for the Lillywhite matches, and they were not going to relinquish them easily. The Melbourne Cricket Club had established a monopoly over major cricketing contests, and the East Melbourne Club viewed the Lillywhite tour as an opportunity to break this domination.

This competition between the two clubs threatened to derail the match before it even started. The fight was carried out in public, with both sides acting through the newspapers, with threats made of legal action. There was a significant amount of negotiation before a compromise was finally reached between the various parties, with Lillywhite paying East Melbourne a total of 230 pounds and allowing their five hundred members into the Melbourne Cricket Ground free on each day of the match. The East Melbourne Club were not idle at this time, as they quickly aligned themselves with the Victorian Football Association which had formed in 1877. Their ground became the headquarters of the Essendon Football Club only a few years later in 1880. In an interesting aside, the Lillywhite Cricketer’s Companion starting publishing the averages of the East Melbourne Cricket Club’s players in the Melbourne Pennant Competition, a practice that continued well into the 1880s. Whether this was part of an unofficial agreement between Lillywhite and the East Melbourne Club or simply a strange idiosyncrasy remains a mystery.

The Melbourne Cricket Club had just built a new grandstand at their ground Richmond Paddock at a cost of £4678. As was common at the time, the stand was constructed in a manner that allowed the seating to be rearranged to permit spectators to watch cricket on the Melbourne Cricket ground in summer, and football on the adjacent Yarra Park in winter. In 1876, the prevailing wisdom was that the one ground could not cope with the stresses of both football and cricket, so a multi-directional stand was essential. The grandstand, with a capacity of two thousand people, greatly added to the comfort provided to spectators, and also allowed for increased revenue over the following years for the Melbourne Cricket Club.

Whilst the ground was finally organized and ready, the combined team had also proved difficult to confirm. Ted Evans from New South Wales was considered one of the leading all-rounders in the country and an automatic selection, but he declined a position because of the pressure of business. His withdrawal resulted in the initial selection of Charles Bannerman, Fred Spofforth, Tom Garrett, Nat Thomson and the two Gregory Brothers, Dave and Ned as the six New South Welshmen in the team.

The team faced further immediate problems with Spofforth refusing to play unless Billy Murdoch was selected to keep wicket instead of the Victorians’ choice of Jack Blackham. Spofforth believed that only Murdoch, his New South Wales wicketkeeper, understood his bowling well enough. The selectors did not give in to this blackmail, so Spofforth, a man of his word, withdrew from the side. The loss of Evans and Spofforth was then compounded by the last minute withdrawal of Victorian Frank Allan, a left armer considered highly enough to have attracted the sobriquet of “bowler of the century”. Allan, who had originally consented to play and had received time off work from his position with the Lands Department at Warrnambool in Western Victoria, later changed his mind and instead decided to meet up with friends at the Warrnambool Agricultural Fair. While the idea of a current Test player deciding to miss a game because he wanted to visit a fair is inconceivable, it does underline the fact that this game was not viewed at the time as the start of international Test cricket as we know it today.

The final eleven players who took the field were Charles Bannerman, John Blackham, Bransby Cooper, Tom Garrett, Dave Gregory, Ned Gregory, Jack Hodges, Tom Horan, Tom Kendall, Billy Midwinter and Nat Thomson. There is still some confusion regarding the exact identity of Hodges, with some sources referring to J.R. and others to J.H. It is now considered that the individual in question is John Robert Hodges. It is believed that the confusion may have arisen around five years later, when John Henry Hodges umpired in the 1884/85 Melbourne Test Match. During this period many umpires were also current first class cricketers, and in the years following J.R. and J.H. Hodges were mistakenly assumed to be the same person. Likewise, Nat Thomson’s surname is often spelt as Thompson in many records.

Of the final eleven players, only five were native born in Australia. This was perhaps not surprising, as in 1871 only 60% of people in Australia were born there. In contrast to the initial plan, Victorians outnumbered New South Welshman by six to five. This was of particular importance, as the players chose the captain, and in light of the inter-colonial rivalry, it would not have been unexpected that the Victorian dominance would result in the selection of one of their own. Spofforth wrote in 1894 that he doubted

“if Englishmen will ever understand the spirit of rivalry that runs high between the colonies of Victoria and New South Wales. The spirit is not limited to the field, it extends to politics, to society, to every side of life, indeed, in which the two are brought into contact with one another’”.

Lillywhite had commented on the previous 1873/74 tour with Grace that the inter-colonial rivalries weakened the on-field performances of the sides. This level of antagonism can be further seen by the views of Charles Bannerman a few years later. The team was travelling by steamer along the coast of New Zealand and Bannerman, a strong swimmer, was asked who he would save in the event of the boat sinking. He replied that he would help his brother Alec, then Billy Murdoch and Fred Spofforth. When asked about the Victorian members of the squad, he said “Let them drown. Do you think I am going to risk my life for them?” In light of this prevailing attitude, it is even more extraordinary that Dave Gregory from New South Wales was nominated unanimously to lead this first ever combined eleven.

The influence of Conway on this decision is difficult to determine, but it is clear that he played a role. Conway had previously been very impressed by Dave’s clear thinking and capacity to remain calm under pressure. In a letter he wrote to a relative a few years before, he commented that “he not only looked the part, he was the part. Dave Gregory would be ideal to lead a combined colonies team against England.” In his capacity as the Australian organizer of this match, Conway was in a position to exert his influence over any decision made in respect to the makeup of the team. The other potential candidate for the captaincy was Bransby Cooper, a very experienced cricketer who had previously led Victoria in inter-colonial games. It is possible that Conway considered the appointment of a Victorian may have led to a division between within the team. Regardless of this possibility, however, it is clear that the players themselves were also fully supportive of Dave’s selection as captain.

In an interview with Dave’s daughter Pearl, noted cricket author Ray Robinson heard how happy Dave had been to be nominated for the role of captain.

“It always pleased father to recall that his fellow players elected him captain for the first of all test matches. Yes, the Victorians elected him as the match was in Melbourne.”

It seems clear that the personality and disposition of Dave Gregory are some of the primary reasons explaining why he was, with no prior captaincy experience, named as the leader of a combined team in a period of extreme rivalry between the colonies. His ability to lead other workers had been identified early on in the Auditor-General Department, and clearly his manner and ability to inspire others was a key factor in his selection as captain.

His father, Edward, had instilled into all of his children the need to be careful students of the game, and Dave had shown his ability to both read the game and to adapt to changing conditions. Gregory and Billy Caffyn had spent a considerable amount of time discussing tactics and strategies over the years. More than this though, it was obvious that Dave had the respect of all his fellow players. He had been representing New South Wales for over a decade, and at age 32, had the maturity and knowledge to back his self-confidence. Author Harry Hedley noted that “whilst Gregory’s performances did not look statistically great, he was seen as one of the key players in the NSW side”. Hedley’s description of Dave as “one of the foremost cricketers in New South Wales and one of the most popular in both colonies” again reinforced the prevailing view of him as a highly respected figure in both Sydney and Melbourne.

Noted Australian literary figure, A.B. (Banjo) Paterson was a passionate cricket lover and watched the game develop with a keen interest. He got to know many of the cricketers of the time, and his observations of Dave are especially interesting.

“I remember Dave Gregory, the captain of the first Australian eleven, black-bearded, high-shouldered, remarkably like the English captain Grace and with a good deal of Grace’s invincible self-confidence. We hear a lot about temperament nowadays but neither Grace nor Gregory was afflicted with any temperament, not so that you could notice it.”

This comparison with W.G. Grace is an interesting one, and underlines the respect that Dave was held in by his peers and the community in general. Frank Iredale, a noted Australian test player of the 1890s, summed up the feeling of the youth of Sydney towards Dave:

“I can turn my mind back to the days when his presence in the field mean as much to me, and no doubt thousands of other boys of Australia, as the name of W.G. Grace did to the boys of England.”

While his personal batting and bowling statistics were not overly impressive, it is clear that he had faith in the abilities of both himself and his team. It is worth remembering that in spite of Lillywhite’s teams poor performances on the tour, it was generally expected, both in Australia and back in England, that they would not be greatly troubled in overcoming the combined team. Dave’s confidence, and his ability to instill this self-belief in his players would go a long way towards determining whether this team would be able to compete on an equal level to the English side.

The organizers of the Australian team were not alone in having difficulties in arranging a side for the game. Lillywhite’s touring party had problems of their own to overcome. After their game against New South Wales, they had travelled to New Zealand for a series of matches. This segment was always a planned component of the tour, with the subsequent return to Australia for the Test match an addition to the original schedule. The tour was a difficult one for Lillywhite’s side. They did not lose a game against teams varying in number of eighteen to twenty two by winning six and drawing the other two, but financially it was a disaster for Lillywhite. The team’s assistant manager, Alfred Shaw, wrote an account of the tour, and mention was made of substandard accommodation and trying travelling conditions.

One particular incident has gained considerable coverage over the years, with the team coach nearly coming to grief in Otira Gorge. What the driver thought was a shallow ford was actually a swiftly running river. The four horses pulling the coach collapsed in mid-stream, and the players had to get out to help the horses ashore. Once there, the drenched players had to walk to the nearest town to find shelter for the night. No players were injured in this undoubtedly frightening experience, but that was considered more a matter of good fortune than anything else.

The troubles of Lillywhite’s team was not over, with one of their key members arrested. The team’s one and only wicketkeeper, Pooley, was charged in Otago for malicious damage to property above the value of £5, and also of assault. This story has been recounted many times, but it is worth recapping as it had a major impact upon the side Lillywhite was able to select for the game against the Australian combined side.

Pooley was detained in Otago to await trial, and whilst he received bail of £100, the remainder of the side did not see him again on the tour. This situation arose as the result of Pooley taking a side bet in the game against the Eighteen of Canterbury played against at Christchurch from the 26 to 28 February, 1877. Pooley offered any takers a bet in which he would name the individual score that each player of the opposition would get. For those he got correct he would be paid £1, and for each one he got wrong he would pay 1 shilling. A local by the name of Ralph Donkin felt this was too good an opportunity to miss, and agreed to the bet. Pooley promptly named a duck against each player of the opposition, and with a fair proportion of the eighteen failing to score in the match, Pooley finished substantially in front in respect to the wager. Donkin refused to pay up, and the subsequent argument led to a violent confrontation and damage to fixtures.

Pooley, and his fellow co-accused, a team assistant by the name of Alf Bramall, had to stand trial in at the Supreme Court in Christchurch on the 6 April, and therefore they were not able to travel with the rest of the team to Australia. This left Lillywhite without his regular wicketkeeper, and bearing in mind that the original touring party had twelve members, only eleven available players. Eventually Pooley and Bramall were both found not guilty on all charges, and whilst Pooley received a gold ring and a share of a £50 subscription from members of the New Zealand public for his ordeal, the Surrey wicketkeeper made the journey back to England having missed the change to play in the first ever test.

The loss of Pooley left Lillywhite with an easy decision regarding the makeup of his side the match. The remaining eleven members of the touring party were automatic selections. Jupp was expected to fill in for Pooley as the wicketkeeper as he had some previous experience, but he was suffering from an inflammation of the eyes and Selby took on the role instead. The general feeling of the newspapers of the day was that this team would prove far too strong for the combined colonies team. The absence of many of their great batsmen was counterbalanced by the fact that Lillywhite had a formidable pace bowling trio of Shaw, Hill and Ulyett that was as strong as any combination England could have mustered. Public enthusiasm for the game had dropped following the earlier victories against Lillywhite’s team, and there did not appear much hope that the combined side would be able to compete on even terms.

Friday, November 21, 2008

lunch day three

There was a time where Haddin looked like he was going to do what he had done for NSWales a bunch of times, hit through the lines until they were on top.

You could see it, but test cricket has not been kind to him, and instead of saving the day he missed a straight one from Vettori.

At this stage the game was New Zealand's if they wanted it, but they didn't really grab it, twice infact.

Katich gave them chances, but O'Brien and Ryder both missed ones that could have changed the game.

Then Katich and Lee put on 30odd, and even though Lee never looked that comfortable, Australia showed they were going to fight right down to the tail.

Lee was unlucky, you could say he penised the ball onto the stumps, or you could day he squeezed his ass cheeks together and squirted out a bowled.

Either way he was gone, and Katich found a partner he could hit another 40odd with in Johnson.

This could be a very important session, either it is the session where Australia get so many runs that New Zealand cannot reach them.

Or it is the session that finally convinces everyone that this pitch is great right now, and 350 should be attainable.

The Kiwi quicks were a little lifeless, but Vettori was the pick of the bowlers.

His use of varying speeds, Bryce McGain called him a master of it, is brilliant.

And Brett Lee's penis/shit bowled was because of that.

But let us not dilly dally around with talk of Daniel Vettori and Penises, this was Katich's session.

Sure he was dropped twice, but as Michael Slater said 56 times it's his 4th hundred this year, and this one might have won Australia a test match.

New Zealand is still a chance ofcourse, but they really don't look like breaking the Johnson Krab partnership at the moment.

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previously at the gabba

Australia

Looked very motivated to get wickets, and thanks to a few bad shots and some loss of concentration didn't have trouble finding them.

Then after seeing the Kiwis throw away their innings, decided to do the same, but Katich was having none of it.

New Zealand

Lost the plot from ball one.

Bowled well when they got the chance, but 250 on this pitch could have assured them a victory, now they will have to work their ass off for the chance of one.

Who is in front

Australia has the game in its grasp now, anything over 200 should be hard to get.

But New Zealand have the fire power to get the runs, so Australia will want to set 250 at least.

Either team could still win.

Play of the day

Has to go to Jesse Ryder getting hit in the nuts, but not so much for the fact he was hit, but that a chocolate bar was taken out to make him feel better.

Whether that chocolate bar was injected with tequila we will ever know, but as the great leg break put it, that is man management.

Testicular moment of the day

Since i instigated this i have had to award so many cricketers i have bagged, and here is one for the Krab Katich (Slater approved nickname).

While everyone else was whinging about a pitch where the ball moved ever so slightly, the dirty sandgroper just batted, and outshone his millionaire team mates.

Working Class man of the day

Daniel Flynn is the sort of player this award was made for.

Nothing flashy about the little fellow, but he fights, blocks and gets hit like an old fashioned test batsman.

All this while people of 12 times the talent were playing stupid ass shots around him.

Without him they probably wouldn't have made 100.

Jesse Ryder moment of the day

Lets look beyond his flattened nuts for a minute, how excited was Bill to have him out there.

Bill likes a personality and loves a cult figure, so with Jesse he is getting his fill.

Then Tony joined in, but it felt sick and wrong when he did it.

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Unimaginable cruelty

It’s raining in South Africa.

This is a good thing.

Because watching Bangladesh take on South Africa is like watching the opening scene of Irreversible.

It’s sick and twisted.

Ofcourse I can’t look away.

I’m a sick man, but willing to admit so.

The main problem is Banglaesh have no one who looks like a man.

They have teenage boys who bowl medium fast.

Toddlers who bat.

A captain in short pants.

And a wicket keeper who could be mistaken for a foetus.

We all know that, but the difference is never more evident when they play South Africa, which looking at Graeme Smiths average, must be monthly now.

South Africans are huge.

HUGE.

Morne Morkel is a tall man, hell they must have a stable of guys over 6 foot tall and well built.

South Africans are old.

OLD.

Kallis is 74 this year, Boucher is 73.

South Africans are fat.

FAT.

Smith and Kallis look like they eat a couple of Bangladeshi keepers for breakfast.

Life isn’t fair.

There must be some child welfare agency who is watching this tour, but who just hasn’t stepped in yet.

Where is the public outrage as the huge old fat man beat the living fuck out of these young boys?

Surely there is a problem in the system.

South Africa, sick fuckers that they are seem to play this mob all the time, do they like inflicting pain on little boys.

Ofcourse they do.

But for us sadomasochistic folks, sure is fun to watch.

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Michael Slater, a fan of the balls?

He’s got an usual style Simon Katich. He’s a, His nicknames… Well as a batsman could be crab if you like. Given he has a crab like move across is stumps.

That was Michael Slater on Channel 9's coverage of the cricket.

It went live to air, and literally dozens of people heard it.

Now I am not saying I invented the phrase, but a quick look on googlse suggest i may have been the first to popularise it.

Now, with that in mind, and the fact Slater went to say "His nickname is the crab", i put it to you dear jury was he infact just regurgitating cricket with balls.

Is Michael Slater a fan of cricket with balls?

Stranger things have happened.

Do he and Bill sit at the back of the commentary box sniggling at sex posts about MS Dhoni?

Why not.

Is this time for me to stop with the poor taste Michael Slater Jokes.

Ofcourse not.

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the piach

What sort of wicket are they playing on?

It looks ok.

The ball is not doing anything lethal.

No one can say the bounce or movement is uneven or over the top, and yet no one can make runs on it.

New Zealand couldn’t even bat out two sessions.

Australia might not last much more.

Other than Clarke, Katich and Flynn no one has spent any real time on it.

The journalists are already starting their “no one can play on proper pitch campaigns”, and who can blame them.

Anyone who has seen this test will know that this is not an old fashioned green top.

It’s just that modern batsmen are preserved in cling wrap by never having to play on pitches with life.

This pitch looks like a good one.

Katich seems to have worked it out, and he isn’t in the top 8 most talented batsmen in this match.

The Krab is a street fighter, no doubt, sure I bag him a lot, but most of that is technique based and to do with leaving his home state to captain another.

But the man is a low down and dirty mother fucker, and he seems to have worked this pitch out.

Flynn is in the Katich mould, I have compared him to Langer before, he is a tough sonofabitch.

Not a great deal of talent there, and at times the attacking instincts of an amish assassin, but he is gritty.

So while the pretty boys with their gold cased averages and reputations falter, the ugly bastards are stepping up.

That used to be what happened on green tops, not wickets with a little Winslet curve to them.

And none of this explains Michael Clarke’s 98.

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Dirty Dirk doesn't need a pitch

People wonder why i like Dirty Dirk Nannes.

Today he showed the world.

While Victoria were choking Western Australia, he was taking a break after producing possibly the best bowling figures of all time.

0.1 overs

2 runs

1 wicket

The man is a freakin genius.

Do you know hard that is to do.

It takes a special man, and Dirty Dirk is that man.

He started with a full toss to Kings XI Punjabian Shaun Marsh.

That got him a wicket, Dirk doesn't believe in traditional wickets you see.

And with SOS Marsh out of the way, he obviously thought his job was done, but before he went he gave Luke Pomersbach a couple of beamers too soften him up a bit.

After all, Dirk is nothing if not a team player, but these beamers, both no balls, apparently broke some sort of Peter Roebuck rule, and Dirk was hoisted from the attack.

Job done.

Hit the showers, book some snow trips, clean your sax and watch Gozu.

What a superstar.

He even let Eyelashes Pattinson, brother of Eyelids Pattinson, have all the glory on debut.

A man of the people as well.

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

lunch day two

Australia show there is still a bit of bite in the old girl yet.

Only Taylor is really putting it to them.

Jesse played the shots, and looked the guy, Brad Haddin agreed so much he snatched a drop in front of Hayden.

All 5 of Australian seam bowlers bowled well at times, but the Kiwis are still scoring quite well.

4/100odd is a good session for Australia, and a good one for New Zealand.

Sure they lost too many wickets, but they are half way to the total, and they bat down to 8.

Redmund went out first nut, which amused Tony Greig no end, caught second slip.

How looked good for a while, but got a ripper from Lee which went straight through him.

Jesse, oh Jesse, the commentators are already in love with him, Bill especially.

And he looked good, even though Haddin did drop him, but eventually he chased a fucken ugly ball from Watson and was caught behind.

Then Prince Brendan came in, his record in test cricket against Australia is rubbish, so he lived up to that by slicing one to slip of Mitchell.

Taylor is looking good, but maybe that is because Flynn is at the other end.

Lee was the pick of the bowlers, but all of them had their moments, although Watson bowled an odd spell. Roy bowled well though.

Highlight of the morning had to be Jesse almost losing his nuts off Lee, and then Lee patting his head after doing a weird oral sex thing with his mouth.

Great test cricket session, wickets, runs, and jesse.

A lot rests on Vettori from here.

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previously in the test

Australia

Couldn't handle the moving ball, redux.

Have Clarke to thank for having any total at all.

Yet to shake off the diddums of India.

New Zealand

Took the balls by the sack and sent Austraila in.

Did well with the ball, had a few times where they let the game drift, but with some luck against Clarke could have knockced Austrlia off for 150 at most.

Southee gave erections to a few Kiwis who thought only a little blue pill could do that these days.

Who is in front

New Zealand because no matter what you say, Australia has only made 214.

Ofcourse, if we look at the gabba results from this year, you will see Queensland have batted first twice, once for 236, a game they won, and once for 245, a game they lost.

So while New Zealand holds sway, they will know that there are 3 innings to go.

Play of the day

A fucking 8.

Not sure I have ever seen an 8 before, after Symonds slaped a pull shot a foot or so from the rope, he and Clarke hoofed 4 runs, and then Prince Brendan had a convulsion and tried to run out Symonds who was retty much behind the stumps as the ball went past them, and then the ball went past everyone for 4 overthrows.

Resulting in 8 runs in one ball.

What a way to get Roy feeling cocky as O'Brien picked him up straight afterward.

Brilliant play.

Testicular moment of the day

Tim Southee may only be slightly removed from being the gleam in his fathers eye, but he strode out onto the Gabba and gave the day to his country.

That takes real balls, regardless of the friendly conditions.

Working Class man of the day

Clarke worked himself into a lather today.

The anorexic (today he was) batsman really foight hard to give Australia a decent total.

And also shut up assholes like me, for a little while.

What the fuck moment of the day

There was a classic moment at one stage where O'brien was coming into Clarke and had to stop as part of the stand fell down from the overnight storms.

And it sort of made a loud farting noise.

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pup takes baby steps

4/141

3/216

4/128

3/284

4/257

3/206

3/199

These are the scores when Michael Clarke has come to the wicket and made hundreds.

Not one score under 128 when he has come in.

Today he almost did it.

98 out of 214 coming in at 3/23 goes some way to placating me, and the many of us who think he only makes runs when there is a flat pitch and a platform.

Today he was streaky early on, most of his earlier boundaries were from the outside of his bat to third man.

But he fought it out.

I have never doubted his talent, or how much he wants to play for Australia.

But when he comes in and the ball is moving and his team mates are falling, his head gets muddled and he makes more mistakes than usual.

He was lucky on day one.

The edges didn’t go to hand, and his good record at the Gabba remains.

I will put this one in the plus column for him.

The Vice Captaincy seems to have made him a better batsman.

And he may well make it to the next level, but he still has a long way to go to prove himself to a lot of cricket fans.

But if he slips back, hell hath no fury like a blogger scorned.


cricketwithballs

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England's reality and our fantasy

England are the most creative side in world cricket.

Not in field settings or bowling tacts, but in the different ways they can lose a cricket game.

Losing a one dayer for bad light now.

Outstanding.

Just when they had corrected the horrible opening partnership as well.

More importantly here is the standings for the jelly bean cup in the cricinfo fantasy league.


Position Manager Team Name Points 01 sidbetala Adams Apple 11 3072 02 cjdunning Mumbai CA XI 2641 03 Chinois The Silly Point 2502 04 _Vijendra 22Balls 2483 05 nestaquin The Vindaloos 2434 06 FlySlip flyslips xi 2264 07 cafh sloth and heathen xi 2255 08 Aashrey Ball Busters 2209 09 DonQ Qs Betting Syndicate 2202 10 timsingh Forced to Pick Englishmen 2183 11 JoFitz More Random Blokes 2164 12 Miriam eleven for 11/11 2079 13 12_Man Jelly Bellies 2058 14 neighbourofthebeast AlooBoys 1986 15 chrismar Ego Exceeding Ability 1840 16 ExCon ExConRetards 1789 17 Whatawaste SandgroperXI 1786 18 Carrotovich Carrots Crew 1770 19 j-rod *LM ICL Auditions 1599 20 LisaW Random Experimental XI 1551 21 MagLev Belly Jeans 1475 22 Dibyo The_Other_Side 1223 23 banh_ki-moon sack ponting as captain 1002 24 Obi2 zz fly 735

I'm in a yuvraj less funk, plus i keep picking guys who don't play.

Q, last tournaments champion is struggling in 9th.

But he likes to cum from behind.

The Adam's Apple XI of sidbetala has done well even without the Adam's Apple playing much.

And Obi2's mob are horribly placed at the moment.

The battle for the best named team is going on as well.

Personally i like the name Sack Ponting as captain, not because i agree with the sentiment, but because POnting is not in this series.


cricketwithballs

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Braddin your time is now

I knew Brad Haddin would get the number one keeping job.

I wouldn’t have picked him, but the selectors now love picking well performed 30 year olds, and Haddin had been the apprentice for so long, Ronchi never stood a real chance.

If that is how they are doing it, so be it, but 8 tests in and where are the performances.

His keeping has been average, at best, he has played injured instead of letting replacements in, his batting, while being handy, has not been near his shield standard, and so far he has not provided any impact.

Going out to a Jesse Ryder straight one, with a loose shot on the up.

He is lucky though, because Luke Ronchi has not been firing for the Warriors this year.

If he was, Haddin might be told he has the summer to settle the spot.

The only keeper in Australia to be batting at an average over 30 is Tim Paine.

And this is his first full year of wicket keeping at shield level.

The boy is a freak, no doubt, but he has never had a full break out year with the bat, and it took him forever to get rid of Clingleffer for the main spot with the gloves.

All this is helping Haddin, but the selectors wont keep him around forever, in India he was batted ahead of Cameron White, so the selectors still believe in him, but for how long.

He is older than Ronchi and Paine, and the one thing we know about Ronchi is impact.

The boy is all impact, and when Haddin let him come in for the one dayers in the West Indies Ronchi made 60 odd off 30 odd.

People tend to remember that.

Now Haddin is at home, on the pitches that suit him, he has to perform.

Australia is not good enough to carry someone anymore.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

In bed with MS Dhoni

Long time readers may well acquainted with the In bed with... series. If not, feel free to browse other titles in the collection. Jacques Kallis, Monty, Mike Hussey, Daniel Vettori, and Shane Watson.

But remember these are adults only, as children should be shielded from sex at all costs, because it is not a natural part of life.

You hear about him before you see him, he doesn't have much of a reputation, but there is a buzz about him.

But then after a drunken night you find yourself in a closet with him, and while he doesn’t move the way you would like, he gets the job done.

The quickies are fun with him, and you decide he could be a keeper.

So you set about planning a long term relationship with him, but he doesn’t perform for you at all, at times he has trouble even getting erect.

You figure the long term serious stuff is not his thing, so you break it off.

Occasionally you text a young guy, and there are still the odd rendezvous with your favourite classy old man.

But there is something about MS, maybe it’s the hair, and you can’t discard him so easily.

You have fun with him, and more than often he gets you off, you can’t really argue with that.

He keeps calling and calling, and eventually you fall for him again, this time it’s by his terms, and then you’re in an ongoing casual thing with him.

With him in charge it all goes great, but you still think you may want more, but he has nothing of it, and even though not everything runs smoothly, you trust his judgement.

Then your relationship goes back to the quickie mode, usually you’d be disappointed with the frivolous nature, but you are besotted by him now.

Usually you’d need two other beaus at once to feel this excited, but you haven’t returned the calls of Partiv in ages, and Anil can no longer get you there.

You have decided Dhoni is going to be your guy, but the constant speed gets to him, he needs a break.

It cuts you deep, and you doubt whether he is going to be there in the long run.

You continue seeing the older gentleman and even the younger guy, even though you know it isn’t the same.

Dhoni gets jealous by this and comes back out of the woodwork, now he seems fit and hungry, and he is even willing to do things with you that you cannot believe.

At first these strange erotic things worry you, but in his soft hands you feel secure.

However now he seems calmer and more mature, might be the new hair, and you let him be in charge anyway he wants to.

When you first feel that silk scarf around your neck, ever tightening, you start to panic, but he puts you at ease, and by the end, you and him fall deeper in love.

You know he is the man for you, your heart skips a beat every time he waddles in your direction.

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How far have Australia fallen

OK so they are clearly not as good as they used to be.

But how many sides in world cricket would drop a bloke who took 12 wickets in the test before, regardless of the conditions.

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more than just a beard.

Number 3 on my most important players list is someone who will change the attitude of South Africa from cocky young things, to men who will do anything to win.

A man who captained dophins at 21.

A man that scares Dean Jones.

A man who makes some of us doze off when he bats.

Hashim Amla.

All reports are he has an incredibly clever brain underneath that beard.

And even though he bats like a George Romero villain, he has a technique that could make him successful on all surfaces against all attacks.

It is very odd of me to praise a batsman who considers a nudge off his hip as an attacking shot, but he is important for several reasons.

As captain, he could end the quota system.

As a batsman, he could be the anchor of the team that needs strong test batsman who average over 50 against all comers.

He is the calmness that South African’s need.

Their previous leaders were easily provoked and let emotion get in the way.

Amla would never do that.

He is super cool.

With him in charge of South African cricket they could finally become the worlds best team.

You might be thinking, well isn’t Smith captain, and he aint going anywhere soon.

Well Smith gives them a solid confident voice, but even if they beat Australia at home and away, the truth is that he is not the man to make this a long lasting institution.

Amla is that man.

Smith is part of the Journey, Amla is the destination.

This wont matter though, because by the time Amla takes over, the team may not have the weaponry to be number 1.

But he is the man that the world’s bowlers will have to get used to for a very long time.

Amla taking over the South African team will be the most important thing to ever happen to cricket in South Africa, until a black captain comes along.

And if that means Smith has to be ousted a couple of years before he thinks he is ready, then so be it.

Ofcourse is South Africa lose to Australia this year, then Smith should be fired anyway, if he can’t beat them now, he never will.

1. Prince Brendan

2. RP/Ishant

3. Hasim Amla

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Is the proctologist Funky?

A lot of people have forgotten about the career of Colin Funky Miller.

It was in Steve Waugh’s glory days as captain, and Australia needed another spinner.

They brought Miller in after a shield season that no one could believe.

He was a really only brought in as a subbie spin option at the other end to Warne, but he did so well he ended up playing 18 tests over 3 years and taking 69 wickets at 26.

He also was the first winner of the Australian test player of the year award on 00/01, which tells you something.

Then he was shelved.

Waugh wanted a 3 pronged pace attack all along, and once Lee was on the scene Miller was shown the door.

That he ended his career with an average of 26 which is pretty good, but he was no longer necessary and was turfed.

Better options were around.

Now Stuart Clark is in the same basket.

Like Miller was brought in to fill a hole, in his 30’s, knowing that he could perform at the top level, and eventually would be replaced by more dangerous weapons.

His form has not slipped, India was a bad time for him, but he was injured, and on his form in Bangladesh, he is just not a good bowler in the subbie.

He was dropped there easily enough, and when he get back from India it was his spot that looked most in jeopardy from Watson.

Mitchell Johnson was Australia’s best bowler in India, no matter what Ricky says about Watson.

If he keeps improving his average will be better than Lee’s soon.

Lee is still Lee.

So the spot of Australia’s third quick is in Clark’s hand, but for how long.

Siddle impressed in his one test.

Douggie Bollinger is not far behind.

Ben Hilfenhaus is back in form.

And Noffke and Geeves add batting to the mix.

Clark may not last the summer without some serious hauls.

Just chipping in may not be enough, Australian cricket still has some more generational change ahead of it.

They know they need youth, Clark can provide a lot of things, but youth is not one of them.

So he might find himself phased out with a test bowling average south of 25.

At the moment he has played 20 tests, so he is two up on Funky, but if he plays 10 more than Funky I will be surprised.


cricketwithballs

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england mince it up

Little known fact about cricket, the ball tends to spin more in India.

Write it down, tell your friends, it’s useful information.

England, being the cunning bastards they are, have just worked this out.

Luckily for them they took a spinner with them.

Graeme Swann is ready to be inserted into the action.

That’s just how he likes it.

So now England have their secret weapon, the mincing pink Ferrari less singing offie.

Surely this, and that improvement KP keeps mentioning, is enough for England to win the next 5 games in a trot.

They’ve cracked the code, and now they just need to do a few other minor things to win.

Exorcise Yuvraj.

Offer Dhoni a film deal.

Sacrifice a bowler at the alter of Sehwagology.

Dent Yusuf’s head.

Get a new opening pair.

Learn to play spin.

And teach Ravi how to run.


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What New Zealand need to do to win

Survive the new ball.

It doesn’t matter if How and Redmund are 12 not out at lunch, New Zealand’s strength is later down the order, but if McCullum, Taylor and Vettori are in too early Australia will win.

Attack with the fields.

Hayden, Clarke and Roy always get more defensive fields than they should.

All of them are nickers, and 3 slips are a minimum.

Learn from MS.

Dhoni is an instinctive captain.

Vettori seems more of a planner.

Dhoni strangled Hussey and Katich, they are Australia’s too slowest scorers, do that, and you will not only effect them, but you will annoy the others.

Swing the ball

Reverse, normal, whatever.

Australia’s only real weakness when batting is swing bowling, they can handle everything else, but that is their kryptonite.

This, and a bit of luck could be enough to snatch a win.

What they shouldn't do.

Make Australia angry.

I would suggest less sledging than any New Zealander has ever done before.

Australia really need to win this 2 zip, don't give them extra ammo.


For those of you not in the Trev Barry Fantasy league over at Cric Info, it's not too late.

Send an email to cwb@cricketwithballs.com with trev barry in the header and i'll add you, yes it is that easy.

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Australia's desire and the Klinger Kurve

What Australia needs to archive from this

Australia should win, no doubt.

But there are things from the win they need.

Mitchell Johnson to take some bags of wickets in Australia.

Brett Lee to forget about his personal problems.

Ponting to start captaining for results rather than for fees.

Roy to be the guy he was.

And Michael Clarke to make hundreds when Australia is in trouble.

If all these things happen, Australia will win 2 zip, and South Africa will have to play out of their skins to win there.

I am thinking 1 zip based on the Klinger Kurve in Radelaide.

If no one in Australia can get him out, either team taking 20 wickets in Radelaide is a huge ask, or someone needs some huge collapses.

cricketwithballs

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Bowl first in Kanpur

After the two huge wins batting first, MS Dhoni would I assume automatically choose to bat first if he were to win the toss in Kanpur tomorrow. I believe that would be a mistake. Although this is based only on what has happened in Kanpur in the past, there is no reason to think the conditions have changed there. Once winter begins to set in, the early morning start can give the bowling side a big advantage on some grounds, especially in the north. That is probably what prompted Pietersen to pick bowling when he won the toss in Rajkot, but it turned out there was hardly any dew or moisture in the air to aid the quick bowlers. In the next match in Indore, India almost got into a deep hole after losing three wickets in the morning as the ball was doing quite a bit. Luckily, things eased up quickly and the pitch also dusted up later on for the spinners to come good. In Kanpur, I don't think the conditions will ease as quickly as it did in Indore, and batting will likely be much easier in the afternoon. This is what Rahul Dravid discovered when he won the toss, chose to bat against a relatively weak Pakistan side, and got hammered. MSD should not repeat that mistake. As for Pietersen, it will be interesting to see how much homework he has done on the Kanpur ground. I would be impressed if he were to pick bowling again, despite the hammering he got for that in Rajkot.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

kittens go to the jungle

The world now turns to South Africa for the much hyped Bangladesh tour.

Bangladesh is trying to slay the jack booted Saffas.

You know what this means, records for South Africa, and broken jaws for the kittens.

This sort of tour is never pretty.

Australia always does just enough to win against these sort of teams.

South Africa like to ground minnows into the ground, and then kill their families, and the family pet, and its family.

This is not good for Bangladesh, who are coming off a pretty good effort against New Zealand, but they probably wont get a spin friendly track to bamboozle South Africa with.

This is the sort of tour you hope Crashraful or Mortaza stands up and become real test players.

And recently there has been signs of life from the kittens, Jamie Siddons, much maligned here and in Bangladesh, has given them a bit of a spine, unfortunately no limbs of yet.

South Africa will eat these kittens whole though.

2 nil, unless it rains, or springboks pick up uzis and try and take back their land.


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yusuf pathan wears his underwear on the outside

He does.

It’s easy to skip over his cameo yesterday.

Yuvraj’s demonic turns have grabbed all the inch space, and quite rightly.

But Yusuf was something special.

And it’s a big occasion, his first international half century.

But it was the way he did.

50 off 29, when even Yuvraj was having trouble scoring a better than a run a ball.

The thing about Yusuf is how clean he strikes the ball.

A lot of guys can hit at the top of the innings with the new hard ball, and others can muscle the old ball around.

Yusuf hits so clean that the ball is not important, if Harmy was bowling pineapples he would have cleared the fence with them.

Add in his little off spinners which are handy, and that well shaped head (not quite Darren Sammy, but it's up there).

That is why he is special, there is no doubt he will fail from time to time, but India won that game because he took a good total, and made it untouchable.

Good closers are important, but Yusuf can actually bat as well, and after seeing the IPL we know he can go up the order if required.

India just need to give him time in the side and make sure Dhoni has confidence in him and they may have a weapon on their hands.

We know he has a well shaped head on his shoulders.

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Inzy likes the Vibe

Inzy likes the Vibe

According to the chief, the banned ICL Pakistani players could soon be playing for the real team.

He feels a positive vibe.

We could see the Lahore Badass mother fucker players in their proper green shirt real soon.

This would please and disturb Tony Greig so much his head could explode.

On one hand he would be happy the ICL is getting more legit, but he would be disappointed the team and country he continually disses are the ones doing it.

And even better than all this, The badass mofos may even play a game against the legit proper Pakistan team.

Very cool.

They could battle it out for right to be the proper Pakistan side.

And the losers have to hand back their passports.

Or they could play to the death position by position.

Who ever scores more, or takes more wickets gets to live and play for Pakistan, and the other one has to burn himself to death in classic effigy style.

What could be more Pakistani than that.

cricketwithballs

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Ricky’s cocoon of self denial

This is mega funny.

Ricky is angry with the very men that have made him possible.

He is an angry never likes to lose captain.

Where do you think he got that from?

Run a line from Steve Waugh to Allan Border to Ian Chappell and there you have it.

But Ricky doesn’t see why they bagged him.

He is deep in the Australian cricket team cocoon.

The one that thinks dropping Symonds was the right thing to do, and the one that thinks that had Krejza played one week earlier he would not have been ready.

The truth is Ricky, no matter how much you and Tim tell us you did the right thing, we aren’t buying it.

As an aussie rules football fan you should know why.

How many footballers have been rubbed out in the grand final to win it, and not given a flying fuck about the first game next season.

Apparently Symonds has admitted to his wrongs, and that is a good thing.

Then why can’t Ponting admit he made a mistake here.

And while we are at it, why can’t the whole selection committee admit they should have picked Krejza a week earlier.

There is no point being angry at Border or Chappell, they both would have set themselves on fire to win a game for Australia.

You didn’t, and that is why they bagged you, so stopping being such a stroppy little prick and admit you made a mistake.

It’s not that hard, we have all made them Ricky, I once wore happy pants.

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Victoria wins

Victoria had to fight a bit for it, but they win with a leg in the air and another over Brett 99* Geeves.


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Pietersen's favouritism does England no favours

[b][/b][b]England's desire to keep faith with its players would once have been admirable; now it just makes the management and captain look incapable of making tough decisions.[/b]

England’s defeat in the second One Day International made for painful viewing. Watching the defeat, the team’s second mauling in four days, was bad enough, but the post-match interviews were the icing on the cake for England fans frustrated by their team’s performance and composition.

In the era of Team England media training and clichéd soundbites, Kevin Pietersen was never going to do anything other than defend his players and the team’s selection policy, but it would have been refreshing if the skipper referred in some way to the problems that seem so obvious to so many.

Darren Gough accused the England management of favouritism in their selection policy and it is hard to disagree. Tim has referred to the absurd preference for Alastair Cook over Dimitri Mascarenhas and the mystifying absence of Graeme Swann and it appears these choices are those of the captain.

Pietersen has been keen to stamp his authority on the job, and whilst his instinct and man-management have paid some dividends â€" notably the rejuvenation of Andrew Flintoff and Steve Harmison - his apparent omnipotence in selection is dangerous for those whose faces don’t fit.

A hierarchy has been established that makes objective decisions difficult and results in selection choices being based on factors other than form, balance of the team and conditions.

It is ridiculous that Swann is not playing. It is odd that Matt Prior is retained as opener despite scoring one half century in his 29 ODI innings. It is debatable whether Paul Collingwood and Steve Harmison should be in the team at all.

Sweeping changes are dangerous and it should be acknowledged that India are playing supremely well, but we all have our favourites, don’t we KP?

My team for the third ODI at Kanpur: Bell, Bopara, Pietersen, Shah, Flintoff, Patel, Collingwood, Prior, Swann, Broad, Anderson


[b]Written by Philip Oliver, a sports writer who blogs about cricket betting.[/b]

Anybody missing the seniors?

I've been saying for more than a year now on this blog that Indian cricket in all its three forms stands to gain, not lose, by the retirement or sacking of seniors. Dhoni's captaincy in Mohali and Nagpur, Mishra's series-turning five-wicket haul on debut in Mohali, and the rapid maturing of Gambhir into a Test opener show what is possible if the door is opened to new talent. The awesome display against England now, especially the fielding and running between the wickets, clearly shows India can be the number one in all three forms of the game if non-performing seniors like Dravid are pushed out sooner rather than later. More on this in Fast track to No.1.

Mark Butcher is not dead

I know, but apparently it is true.

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Monday, November 17, 2008

you can't play a hookshot with your tongue

"The one positive is there's not too many battle scars from playing Australia, within the team. There's some fresh new faces who haven't been exposed to them before,"

This is Kyle Mills.

Who after this seems to have forsaken swing bowling for Spin.

No battle scars, and only a few test centuries and match winning hauls.

While i understand Kyle is just trying to do the right thing by his team mates, sometimes clichés just get to me.

Battle Scars can be a bad thing, but they mean a player has been through a battle and survived, a sign of toughness.

I am not saying the current team is full on nansie pansies, but they don't have battle scars against Australia.

If Kyle was offered a team full of experienced test veterans who had all played good cricket against Australia, ofcourse he would take them over this lot.

It's common sense.

He can't say that though.

Because countless sports psychologists will have told him not too.

Honesty is no longer a part of professional sports.

If you are lucky there is one player in 10 that is worth talking to anymore.

And it isn't really their fault.

The young ones are programmed, and the old ones are threatened with diminishing contracts and sanctions.

I think to save alot of problems they should just take cut out the tongues of all cricketers when they first play for their country.

Then the psychologists can just forward their buzz phrases straight to the journalists.

See, I'm a thinker me.

cricketwithballs

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Prior & Bell: a product review

The great Roy & HG often referred to opening partnerships like Law firms.

Their most famous one was Mott & Elliott, which before Matthew Mott started getting courted by the Kiwis was the only time he had ever been mentioned outside of a score card.

Now we have Prior & Bell, the phone company.

Unfortunately this is not a company you want for your country.

The wiring is all wrong.

Let’s start with Bell, like the late great Shane Watson, he is technically almost perfect.

The problem with the perfect system is when it needs to be flexible and adaptable, it cannot, and it is so fixed into the correct position, that any different position cannot be formed.

The owners of the technique know it cannot be adapted, but believe it’s absolute class will win the day, so far that has failed, and now people are even doubting this system ever had absolute class.

Prior is a being sold as a dynamic new player on the mobile front.

The record does not suggest that, his connection rate is infrequent, and when he does connect quickly, it drops out soon after.

The marketing men have done a good job of the selling, but the customer feedback is horrible. There is a chance that this product is just being aimed at the wrong market.

If it were rebranded, and moved into a niche, it may survive, but it does not have the reliability, or true dynamics to be a mobile carrier at the top of the market.

When you combine the two, you end up with 2 services that simply do not match each other, do not cover each others shortfall, and a terrible communications bundle.

Instead of highlighting each others strengths, they exacerbate the problem of the other system.

We are not saying they would not work well separately, we just think that you deserve better for your cash.

Why pay for fibre optics cables, and take two tin cans and a ratty piece of string.

It's the users who get the raw end, the big company has so many failures in this market, they are afraid to ditch these new products, even though this is clearly another failure.

Interestingly there is another product the companya re working on that people are very excitred about, it's a new internet system that the users could get excited about, its still experimental, but Steven Davies (in beta mode) has the techies purring.

cricketwithballs

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be gone yuvraj

Since most of us had given up on Yuvraj, the last few days have been quite a surprise.

A lot of people will give the praise to Yuvraj, that would be wrong.

England deserves this.

Their bowlers have somehow unlocked the genie.

It’s not even the first time England have turned Yuvraj into a superstar.

Before this series he already had a better than a run a ball hundred against them, plus 6 6’s off some English charity worker.

Against no other real country does he average over 50 in one day cricket.

Against UAE his average is only 22.

So why can UAE do it, and England can’t.

That is hard to say.

Khurram Khan is the UAE bowler who has dismissed him the most, a slow left arm orthodox bowler.

So perhaps with Mushie not being allowed in India, Patel can call Khurram and just see what his secret is.

Ofcourse this will not help England’s batsman, who can’t play Yuvraj’s devastating spin.

His bowling average against England is a ridiciously respectable 30.

However against Bangladesh it’s over 50.

Andy Flower starting earning your money and make a few calls into Dhaka.

Because England need to learn how no to be Yuvraj’s bitch.

If not the 7 one dayers will feel like 74 one dayers.

There is a slight chance that Khurrum and the kittens may not be able to help, so i suggest Peter Moores tries this.


cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

where is it

Some boxes have it.

Facebook has it.

But do you?

If you want the balls in your box weekly update to catch up on all the cricket with balls nuggets of pleasure email cwb@cricketwithballs.com and say balls in your box in the subject line.

Also if you want to be in any of the fantasy leagues you can contact me on the same email.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Sunday, November 16, 2008

WWKPD

KP has a big day today.

Losing a sponsors game is ordinary.

But it shouldn't be that hard to get over.

Today should be the day when England starts playing cricket again.

They should rise up, play as a team, work out their weird batting order and push India.

Not that i think they will win, but they may win the battle inside, if you know what i mean.

India will win, wont they.

But Ravi will run out less people, the bowlers will bowl actual yorkers, not "i can't believe their not yorkers", and KP will take charge again.

Probably.

If not it will be just as much fun, and as i have said before, for English supporters it is much better if they lose, they feel more comfortable that way.

The question is what would KP do if England continue to play this badly.

Because that would be interesting, probably way more so than the actual 17 one dayers they are scheduled to play.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Nazir's Anti-Nadir

It’s hard to get to excited over a dashing ton in 2020 cricket.

There may be a lot of sixes and fours, but the batsman gets a license to swing away.

The game is designed for sixes, so when they happen they don’t have the same impact on you as a test six would.

It’s part of the reason that traditional cricket lovers aren’t fawning all over the game.

But today Imran Nazir shit all over that theory.

He hit 11 sixes in 44 balls on his way to 111* to win the ICL final final for the Lahore Badass Mother Fuckers.

Like Chris Gayle and Prince Brendan before him, he was so dynamic that even though the game was designed for him to do what he did, you didn’t care.

A six off the first ball over extra cover makes you forget about formats and average attacks and makes you sit back and gawk in geekish wonderment.

Had this been the first time you had seen Imran Nazir bat you would have been excused for thinking he was the best batsman of all time.

Had you seen him before you would have been excused for asking for a piss test.

I can’t really explain the innings for you.

You either saw it live, or you will never truly understand it.

You can get too carried away with the ICL form, like the commentators do, but the truth is hitting doesn’t get much cleaner than that.

And he was injured, this week has been a good time to be an injured batsman.

While Yuvraj’s innings had amazing shots, the two drives down the ground off Yorkers were amazing, he played himself in and then let go.

Nazir just exploded from ball one.

Few batsmen can do that.

And even less of them can do it like this.

The game was over at that point.

It was brutalism personified.

And as a spectacle would have been worth the admission several times over.

As a great knock, well it was in a second rate domestic tournament, but you can only beat the bowlers you face.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Apparently I am a dude

Spigot over at 4.5 inches wanted to know if he was a man.

Apparently he is.

He checked the sexuality of a few of the cricket blogs.

Take a look.

cricketwithballs

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England can't get Visa for Mushie

England wanted a spin coach.

They got Mushie.

Can't do better than that.

Well maybe Bedi or Jenner, but other than that.

So if you had a spin coach for the first time, and you had to play in India, obviously you take him.

Except that the ECB couldn't get him into the country on a work permit.

Whoops.

How often do Visa issues and nationalities get in the way of cricket players and administracrats.

It might just be me, but this sort of stuff does not seem to happen in other sports as much.

Mushie will get paid regardless, so it's good news all round.


cricketwithballs

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The baby blues win Mott’s love

The Kiwi’s eventually lost their warm up game.

NSWales have only got first innings points from one game in the shield this year.

But they closed New Zealand out with their worst team in the year and their second youngest of all time.

You can’t help but think this result is going to be a lot more important for NSWales than New Zealand.

The Kiwis will go on to play a test match next week and wont care.

But for NSWales this game means quite a lot.

Moises Enriques finally stepped up with bat and ball.

Josh Hazelwood showed he can bowl.

Steven Smith took a few wickets and made a lot of runs.

And Phillip Hughes yet again tried to jump Shaun Marsh.

All these guys are 21 and under.

A gun opening batsman, a young tall quick, and two all rounders.

There aren’t many teams in the world that don’t want that sort of combination.

Bloody NSWales.

cricketwithballs

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Tait's space ship is rocky road

To be honest, Shaun Tait worries me.

He is here, then there, and then everywhere.

The Ferris Wheel in his head has sexy pixies on it eating ice cream and throwing darts.

Exactly.

On the 24th of October i wrote this, saying that Taity wanted to play test cricket, after previously stating he did not.

Now he is saying he wants to play one day cricket and is not worried about test cricket.

Dude, slow down, all those U turns are making us dizzy.

We really don't care what you plan on playing, we will just wait and see what the selectors pick you for, and deal with it from there.

That is generally how it works.

Have you been chatting with Brad Hodge at all?

cricketwithballs

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Piri Piri Kid Rocks Kiwis (a lot of ‘I’s in that)

Moises Enriques, Portugal’s greatest ever cricketer, rocked the Kiwis on day three of their match.

The poor kiwis are having a bit of a rough time of it at the moment.

Embarrassed in the first innings, ground down to the nub during NSWales innings, then they go out to bat and a 21 year old runs through them like butter.

At least he is not a teenager.

The good news is no Australian player is going to be that young.

Ever.

Moises who was just starting to push the ‘promising’ tags a bit far, has been given a lot of responsibility by NSWales, they either believe him to be some sort of Portuguese Jesus, or they have no one else.

I think it’s both.

This year Mott has made him bat in the top order and take the new ball.

Moises often flirts with success, but no climaxs so far, but one big hundred and another 5 for and his baggy green will coming very soon.

Talking about Jesus, Daniel Vettori is way nerdier, but is also New Zealand’s new saviour.

When did that happen?

Before he was captain he was just a bowler and a handy batsman.

Now he is a nerdy super alpha dog who dominates their batting and their bowling.

Or the rest have just stopped trying.


cricketwithballs

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If we play like this we can beat the Australian women's team, if we win the toss

KP was cock a hoop after beating a kolpak ravaged South African one day side, and winning a dead rubber.

I was there, they played well, not brilliant, but well.

Since South Africa went home they have lost 20 millions smackers, lost to a club side, and had an injured inconsistent player flatten them.

So now what for KP?

The Euphoria he created by getting the job is now a dream of a thought oh a whisper that England have forgotten.

The real captaining starts here, he has lost momentum, so we are about to find out if he can actually captain or if he is just good at .

It is only one 'real' game, but its hard to push a pile of shit up hill.

I think India will win the series, nothing wrong with lsoing a series early on in your career, as long as you learn something from it.

According to Alec Stewart, "what England have to got to do, is play alot better".

Can't argue with that.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Brad, please, no, for the love of something

He did it again.

It’s like he doesn’t get it.

They don’t like being bagged Brad.

They don’t like be constantly told they are getting it wrong.

And they don’t like you questioning them.

It’s ok when a reporter asks you about selection for you to say, no comment, or make a sarcastic sigh.

It is not ok for you to lambaste the very men you need on your side.

And that is not even the worst bit, you are doubting Roy’s selection.

You mad little fucker.

He is like a national hero, when Australia rewrites the history books, Roy will be the reason we lost to India.

He is public hero number 1 right now, and you question his selection.

What goes on in that little head of yours.

Then you bag Simon Katich, that is like pissing on the face of a selectors daughter Brad.

And that is not nice.

Please Brad, no more, think of the children.


cricketwithballs

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Friday, November 14, 2008

If I was Shivnarine Chanderpaul

Firstly I would take that stupid black tape off my face.

Then I would retire from International Cricket.

I figure I have like 5 years of County cricket left in me, 2 or 3 of IPL, maybe 2 or 3 of ICL after that.

But I can’t do it if my back is broken.

And I have been carrying this fucking useless excuse for a team for so long now I can hardly fucken walk.

Every fucken time I walk out in the maroons, or my whites with my maroon hat, I have to pick up 10 men, and carry them around for a day, and sometimes 5.

This really ruins the vertebrae.

Today was the perfect situation, we bowled Pakistan out for 230.

I should have had a small role to play, maybe a 30 odd at the end, just a nice little average pumper.

Instead I end making more than half the runs, sure I really boosted the average, but I am sick of this.

I want to play in a team.

When I played for Durham this year, they had other batsmen, and we won.

I liked that.

I would like to do that again, but when I wear Maroons it doesn’t happen.

Instead I have to do everything.

I get to the ground early, I cut the oranges, I roll the joints, I go back to the hotel, make the days lunches, I drive the players bus (bloody Dhoni stole that from me) back to the ground, I sit on Stanford’s lap, I rub sunscreen on Brendan Nash’s pasty white ass, and it’s still not enough.

So this is my retirement.

You useless fuckers can go on without me.

If you get a real team call me, I’ll playing with a winning team in Durham or a real test team in Bangalore.

Thanks for the millions.

Signed

Lord Mega Chief of Gold (Shiv)www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

more WAGs than you can poke a stick at

So Moses, has been spending way too much time reading women's magazines, and has cut and pasted his favourite Australian WAGs onto his site.

In a death match to the death.

So go here and vote for your favourite WAG, it's an elimination type thing, but do try and keep one of the 3 brunettes in the competition.

This is only round one, but the competition is already hotting up.

Apparently Megan Hodge has already told the press she deserves to win.

Rianna Ponting is putting her marriage first, and always has, and is not happy with the way the media is trying to twist it.

And Melinda Gilchrist is refusing to answer any questions about fathers.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

oil up the nipples

Moses is all over the Aussie WAGs today.

What about the players, though.

How should we rank them.

If only a bunch of them had taken really bad photos and then someone called it a calendar.

You can click on the link.

Or you can take my word for it by looking at this, this, this, i have no fucken ideaa what this is.

But i hope your not eating breakfast/tea/partner now.

I have always thought to myself, i wonder what Shaun Tait's nipples would look like oiled up.

His whole bosom is radiant.

Its hypnotic.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Understanding Yuvraj

Don’t bother.

There is something odd in his wiring.

His parents don't seem to be the most stable human beings.

And this may have rubbed off on him.

In 2003 at the world cup I thought I had seen the coming of a legend.

In 2008 he still hasn’t come.

That’s one horrible case of blue balls.

I wouldn’t have believed in 03 that by 08 he wouldn’t have been a test fixture.

But Yuvraj is an enigma wrapped in a pay off designer sun glasses.

On a day like today he can do anything, it is like he is carrying a wand.

His timing is super natural, and few before him make it look easier.

Then on other days I have seen more life from a blow up doll.

He gets in the way of the ball and his bat, and he buys time until he is dismissed.

Today he brutalised England Straw Dogs like.

And in 3 months time he will look like a hatched chicken out on the crease.

After his greatest achievements, he quite often puts in is weakest ones.

In Australia he was pitiful, yet right before that he smoted the Pakistanis all around.

He doesn’t make sense.

Ofcourse he doesn’t have to.

He can be an enigma, have a good career, make lots of money, and gets lots of women.

Maybe that’s all he wants, and if so good on him, we will take what we can get.

But somewhere inside him there must be a fire to be more than a cameo man.

To be the legend his talent would deserve.

If for nothing else than to compete with Dhoni.

For the ladies.

Ofcourse.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

look at the freak show

Some sort of Hybrid experiment went on in Australia.

It was a game, of sorts, between two sponsors elevens involving some of Australia’s best cricketers.

It wasn’t a full strength Australian team, which meant even the second team was not a full strength ‘A’ side.

The purpose of it seems dubious at best, if you were being positive you could say it was cheap publicity for the upcoming cricket season.

If you are a negative fucker like myself, you may say a governments airline, the crappy chicken mob and the dodgy whiskey got a lot of bang for a glorified practice game.

The ‘Bish’ team won.

There were several interesting things to come out of the game (sort of):

Xavier ‘stutter ball’ Doherty got a game for the main ‘Aish’ side, instead of getting a hat in a special presentation he was given a bucket of chicken.

Siddle and Geeves also got games, but their respective state team mates gave them a hard time.

Roy was there, remember him.

Brad Hodge did the whole look how good I am thing.

Justin Langer proved his case for selection.

Moses did a QBQ of the game, but got bored and didn’t finish.

Dan Marsh played for the ‘Bish’ team, I love the man, but have no idea why he was playing, and why if he was playing he wasn’t captaining.

Brendan Drew’s transformation from bowler to whatever he is now is almost complete, that spell in county cricket has done him wonders.

The 4 top scores for the ‘Bish’ team were all over 30 years of age, and 2 are retired.

And the ‘Bish’ team got to wear spiffy red uniforms.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

If we play like this we can beat th Australian women's team, if we win the toss

KP was cock a hoop after beating a kolpak ravaged South African one day side, and winning a dead rubber.

I was there, they played well, not brilliant, but well.

Since South Africa went home they have lost 20 millions smackers, lost to a club side, and had an injured inconsistent player flatten them.

So now what for KP?

The Euphoria he created by getting the job is now a dream of a thought oh a whisper that England have forgotten.

The real captaining starts here, he has lost momentum, so we are about to find out if he can actually captain or if he is just good at .

It is only one 'real' game, but its hard to push a pile of shit up hill.

I think India will win the series, nothing wrong with lsoing a series early on in your career, as long as you learn something from it.

According to Alec Stewart, "what England have to got to do, is play alot better".

Can't argue with that.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

England need Swann, amongst many things

It was as if the incredible 4-0 thumping of South Africa never happened, as England endured a humiliating loss in the first of their seven ODIs in India. England were excellent against South Africa; but they paid the price for stubbornly sticking to the formula that was so successful then. In vastly different conditions, different approaches are needed.

Most fundamentally, England blundered badly in failing to select Graeme Swann. Swann had a very good series against New Zealand in the summer, was extremely unfortunate to be dropped for Samit Patel, and his stats show he should be regarded as England's premier one-day spinner. that is not to say Patel does not have a role to play; but, despite his five wicket haul in the third ODI against South Africa, he is a batting allrounder who should be regarded as the fifth or six bowler. England need both Swann and Patel in these conditions.

Though Ravi Bopara gave a long overdue reminder of his talent, it is bewildering that there is no place even in the squad for Dimitri Mascharenhas. He offers remarkable six-hitting capacity at number eight, canny bowling that could be well-suited to these wickets, smart fielding and a shrewd cricketing brain. Mascharenhas is a fine cricketer and has already done enough to suggest he could have a vital role to play for England.

The opening partnership of Matt Prior and Ian Bell excelled against South Africa, but it feels knee-jerk to critice it so soon on the tour. But, in Indian conditions power hitting, of the sort exhibited by Virender Sehwag, is needed from the off. Prior, the supossed aggressor, may be better utilised lower down the order. But England, having injudiciously selected Cook as the reserve batsman, have few options. They must adapt to survive - select two spinners and show a willingness to tinker with the batting order.

more fashion faux pas

England got humiliated in their practice game this week.

Twice.

We all know the score.

But how embarrassing to turn up to someone's place with the same dress on.

The most embarrassing things are behind you now England.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Thursday, November 13, 2008

the BCCi goes gangsta

In terms of surprising news this one can put in the hardly headline.

6 top ranking BCCi dudes are being charged with perjury according to the BBC.

Sharad Pawar, no not the fat offspiner, is part of the six.

The BCCi has reacted strongly and is thinking of chartering a plane to get them out.

No, that's not true.

Say what you want about the BCCi, they are almost never boring.

Can you imagine James Sutherland being charged with anything, i think not.

And Giles Clarke looks like the type to get involved with nazi dominatrixes, but so far, nothing.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

who has the magic beans

Has there ever been a series of cricket with two vainer more confident captains than this one.

I wouldn’t think so.

India should win easily, but you never know what England is going to turn up.

The one that beat South Africa was on fire.

KP stuck his hand in a toilet looking for a gold fish and just found gold.

Then he went to Antigua and started to think.

Clearly not about batting.

It’s easy to say it’s a blip, but losing a million dollars a man plays with your head.

Same thing happened to me once, I lost 50 bucks at the footy, couldn’t concentrate on the game that day at all.

So what England turns up here, the pumped up cohesive machine, or the deflated ass clowns.

And what about India, is there going to be any of that job done type attitude settling in.

One of India’s biggest problem has always been stringing winning series together.

Now, for probably the first time, they have a chance to be the number one test and one day team.

Beating Australia was a great effort, but if they lose to England, all they will have proved is they have a team that plays good cricket against one nation.

India’s form outside of Australian series still isn’t that good.

Its ordinary.

But Dhoni is in charge now, and we are about to find out if he is a great captain, or just a breath of fresh air before a life of breathing in crap.

I’m thinking India will win the white ball games, and it will be a draw in the test series.

That is if you can call 2 tests a series.

Whoever organised 2 tests should be forced to eat their penis, raw.

Or if they are a lady, they should eat their boobie.

If you haven't signed up for the jelly bean cup yet, CWB's fantasy league, you still can, just give me an email at cwb@cricketwithballs.com and put jelly beans in the subject line.

You know you want to beat me, and remember, the winner gets a post written about whatever they want.
www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

ICL photo story

So this is how it went down.

Abdul Razzaq, one of my favourite troglodyte allrounders, was smashing the team he should be playing for, the Lahore Badass mofos.

He smacks a big drive straight back to some off spinner no one has ever heard of, or maybe someone has Arshad Khan.

The guy drops it, and the sheer masculine force of the blow damages his hand.

Then when the hand is zoomed in on, we see that the hand is buggered.

Khan seems ok with this, and calmy waits for the trainer to come on and fix it.

He shows Abdul the damage.

You would think the Khan would be the one with this face.

Abdul was feeling quite ill, but then he saw her.

And he felt fine again.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Thats how you do it

You’ll notice I only use maths or stats when it makes me laugh or proves my point.

Guess which this is.

266 - 170 = 96

The New Zealand players have spoken, Matthew Mott is not the coach for them.

Teenagers took 4 of the wickets, and a man who is over 30 and took his second 5 wicket haul took the rest.

Prince Brendan didn’t want to sway his team mates, so he ran himself out.

Lucky this happened now, it gave us all time to take the rest of the Kiwi batsmen out of our fantasy teams.

We can replace them with their bowlers.

Oh.

Never mind.

This score doesn’t really mean anything, but its fun to mention.

I like Jamie How, not to watch, but he has a bit of steel about him, no test centuries, but a bit of steel.

Want in on the trev barry fantasy challenge over at cricinfo, email me at cwb@cricketwithballs with trev barry in your subject line. www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

The first final of the rabies league

I figured that since I was watching the ICL, I might as well tell you about it.

So click on read more for all the ICL goodness.


The Hyderabad Heroes were held back when they batted, or weighed down might be a better phrase, as Jimmy Maher just potted along at run a ball, when the pitch looked like a belter.

Thanks to the troglodydic all rounder Abdul Razzaq they put on 170 odd, but on the last 5 overs they should have had got a lot more.

Then Imran Nazir came out, and batted like a demon for 8 balls or so. Eventually Lahore found themselves at 3/136 needing a run a ball for the last 6 overs.

Then Chris Harris came on.

He bowled one of the overs of his life, and its been a long life.

Inzy and Mohammad Yousuf were at the crease and the game was over.

Harris came on and started off the over by bowling big Inzy with a skidder.

It was classic Harris, short of a length on the stumps, it was short enough that Inzy was eying which part of the crowd he was going to put it in, then it skidded, and bowled he was.

Then later in the over Lahore took another badly run run, so to speak, and the throw came in to Harris but it was miles from the stumps.

So Harris parried/bunted/bitchslapped the ball towards the stumps from about 2 metres away, running out Mohammad Yousuf.

Now that is an over.

Unfortunately it wasn’t enough from the grand old man, and Lahore got home at the first ball of the last over.

The Lahore Badass Mofo’s lived up to their name, the double hyphened Rana-ul-Naved gave Razzaq one of the loudest looking (I know) send offs ever.

And Razzaq got angry and just for a moment I thought there might be a chance of a little stoush.

This allowed Tony Greig to keep up with his anti-Pakistani propaganda.

“I’m afraid to say the scores are now level and Pakistan (not Lahore) are now going to win the game (because they are dirty), and when I say afraid to say, I’m afraid to say it because the Hyderabad heroes (they are good sports, which I have said many times) really have fought well (without cheating).”

He may not have made the (bracketed) comments.

But he was particularly anti-Pakistani today.

Not anti-Lahorian funnily enough.

It’s amazing he never seems to really bag Indians or Sri Lanka, he knows where he his bread is buttered.

Two more finals to go, plenty of time for Tony Greig to really stick the boot into the country of Pakistan.

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Gautam City stands up for elbows

"Frankly, I don't regret the Watson episode."

It would have been better if he had slipped in a ‘my dear’ after frankly.

“No gentleman can hear things that Aussies were saying in Delhi.”

Is he saying Gentleman don’t have hearing.

Probably not, but no gentleman throws elbows either.

But that’s ok.

Gentlemen are pansies, and there is no place for them in test cricket.

Gautam is a full blown test player, and they come with elbows and tongues.

Thank fuck for that.

To quote a cheesy NBA ad, I love this game.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Victoria has a bad day

Victoria lose, but the Hebrew Hammer gives them more head aches.

Go here.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

ricky, the portrait

Loooooook at it.

Really look at it.

This is the face of a man who wishes he was at a greyhound track.

In it there is pain.

There is torment.

There is a man who fees betrayed.

Someone who feels he is being attacked from all sides.

A person whose idols have turned on him.

Alone, hurt, and everything is against him.


This is what sadness looks like.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Pakistan Vs the Lahore Badass mother fuckers

For Q the winner of the first CWBCL fantasy league.

Being that I have now admitted to watching the ICL, I can now tell you something wonderful that isn’t just about chubby journeymen dominating Indian fringe players.

Lahore.

They are the Pakistani side in the competition.

Watching them is like the first time you see a celebrity sex tape.

They make other 2020 teams look like Novocaine addicts.


They open up with a couple of Imran’s, Farhat & Nazir.

Nazir is one of those batsman that hits the ball so sweetly without any thoughts going through his head, he is a free spirit who deals in sixes.

Farhat is the more sensible one, but that’s ok, cause in at 3 is Naved-ul-Hasan, or as I like to call him the double hyphen.

He is sent in as a pinch hitter. There is nothing like a Pakistani pinch hitter, remember when Imran Khan used to come in and pinch hit, and occasionally come in and pinch block.

Double Hyphen just hits, and boy does he hit, you have to wonder why Pakistan never used his batting more often.

So once the dashers and sloggers are out the way, the class comes in, starting with Mohammad Yousuf, not long ago one of the best 3 batsmen on the planet, and is still close to it.

Straight after that is the man himself, Inzy, who smashed the ball around in the semi final like he would have in his prime. He runs the show, with Moin Khan, and he is just as cool as they have always been.

Then to round out the top order is Azhar Mahmood, still one of the better slogging all rounders in the word, even if he has been in a good paddock or two.

The bowlers aren’t shabby either.

Mohammad Sami takes the new ball, and is still quick and silky smooth.

Double Hyphen and Azhar obviously get a bowl and then the ball is thrown to the greatest English Pakistani off spinner of all time, Saqlain Mushtaq.

Fresh from being bored to death at Surrey, Saqi looks fresh and vibrant, and what’s that Saqi, you have another ball to go with your teesra and your doosra, that you invented and Tony Greig claims he named.

I don’t know what it is called, but it is like a leg cutter that slides on but looks like an offspinner. Genius.

And in the sheds, with a dodgy knee is the one and only Mushie.

That is a cool as fuck line up.

They stick out like dogs balls on a mouse in this league, they have more class, more excitement and are more watchable than any other team.

But what about the real Pakistan?

Lead by the work experience kid Shoaib Malik.

They do have exciting players, Misbah Ul Haq, also known as Misbah cricket, Shahid Afridi is still there, Shoaib Ahktar is back, and Younis Elvis Khan.

Salman Butt has a great name.

Sohail Tanvir is the 2nd best 2020 bowler in the world and the best bowler off the wrong foot.

But I can’t remember the last time I was excited to see Pakistan play.

They don’t even have a spinner who invents new deliveries.

Right now Lahore are everything Pakistan used to be.

Wildly unpredictable, compulsive viewing, dynamic, sexy, Inzy and better than a Kate Winslet & Natalie Portman session.

It’s a shame we can't have it in the main team.

But at least we have something.

Visit wellpitched, the only Pakistani outside the ICL in great form.

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www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

pretty boy goes all Lamb

There was a time when it was hard to score 17 off an over to win a match.

Those days have passed.

Ask Jerome Taylor

49.1 Taylor to Fawad Alam, 1 run, full outside the off, tries to strike that powerfully over long off, does not connect it well, lands to the fielder on the bounce

49.2 Taylor to Kamran Akmal, SIX, big one!! full outside off, a length ball that deserves the treatment, Akmal lofts that over long off for a big six!!

10 off 4

49.3 Taylor to Kamran Akmal, SIX, six six six. short of a good length outside off, Akmal makes room and slices that one over deep point for a massive six!! Pakistan are back in this!! What a match

4 off 3

49.4 Taylor to Kamran Akmal, 3 runs, on a good length on middle, Akmal swings it away wide of mid wicket where the fielder dives to pull off a good save. But an overthrow allows the batsmen another run, three taken in all. West Indies have thrown it away here!!

1 off 2. Pakistan should win this from here

49.5 Taylor to Fawad Alam, 1 run, full on leg stump, Alam makes room and drives it wide of mid on for a single. Pakistan win!! What a match. 17 needed off the final over, and two big hits from Akmal swings it Pakstan's way.


Kamran Akmal was so bored with one day cricket, he couldn't even be bothered waiting for the last ball.

I guess 'they' are right, one day cricket is dead.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

the battle for mott

On the surface the warm up game between the two News (Zealand and South Wales) means very little anyone.

Just a warm up game before a test series, and we know how seriously people take warm up games these days.

But there is a little spice on this one, a jalapeno named Matthew Mott.

Just so you know that could be the most exciting way Matthew Mott has ever been described.

You see the Kiwis are taken with the worlds former most boring cricketer and want him as coach of their rag tag bunch of ICL auctioneers.

His work to turn a New South Wales team into shield champions with only 9 international cricketers (and one who will be shortly) has them excited.

Mott is not convinced though, he sees New Zealand as a step down.

NSWales has been wooing him hard, offering him a 2 year deal and mentioning that they were the ones that gave him his big break.

But a more attractive man, Prince Brendan McCullum, has been wooing him also.

Mott has to choose between the people who believed in him, nurtured him, gave him a light blue speedblitz cap. They are good god fearing people who can’t offer him a lot, but are salt of the earth.

Or New Zealand, who offer the glitzy life of international cricket with all its cocaine and hooker mentality. The sort of people that like to party hard and throw their money around.

It’s a tough decision, but I expect Mott to pick NSWales, they are the safer option for him.

Although it's hard to say no to a prince.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Join the International Jihad on Slow Over Rates (Or IJSOR for short.)

You are the cricket public.

You are the reason the game gets money, you are the reason the game is on TV, you are the reason players drive nice cars

You are the game.

Don’t even doubt that.

This game is each and every one of us,

So why do we get bent over?

Why are you constantly short changed?

Why, day after day, do international teams not complete their overs?

4 West Indian quicks used to be able to do it.

But teams with spinners can’t do it.

This is horse shit.

It’s not good enough.

These captains, and their captaincy by numbers, should be able to get through at least, at the very least, 90 overs in the day, regardless of how many wickets are taken.

They shouldn’t need an extra half an hour, and there should be no excuses.

Slow over rates are a blight on our cricket, we want to see cricket, not captains running up to chat to bowlers 4 times an over.

This must stop, we the international cricket fan community deserve better.

Let us strike down the evil doers, and show the powers that be that we care, and this disgrace shall stop right now.

Join in our Jihad, your game needs it.

Click here and put your name down.


This is a joint production with Sportsfreak.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Return of the Bryce

You know you have missed him.

There has been a whole in your soul.

But he is back, your boy is back.

Bryce is now slingless.

And ready for training.

Not bowling, not till mid January.

But he is just around the corner.

Birds are singing, and having sex.

Bees are buzzing and having sex with birds.

This my friends, is a good day, a good day.

Do a little dance, you know you want to.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

my fantasy is your fantasy which is someone elses reality

For those who don't know CWB now runs regular cric info fantasy leagues.

If you want in email cwb@cricketwithballs.com .

There are two leagues

The jelly bean cup for Ind V Eng

Ifd you want in for this one put jelly beans in your subject line

And

The Trev Barry trophy for Aus V NZ

If you want in for this one put trev barry in your subject line

If you want to be in for both, put trav's beans in your subject line.

The winners will receive a post written about anything they want to read about, written by I.

So if you want me to write about something, this is your best chance.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

England, a modern machine

Professional sports is an interesting thing.

In the old days, teams would arrive, play a few warm up games, try and get runs into the batsmen and overs into their bowlers.

That is the wrong way to be.

You should throw away your practice games like the plastic that wraps around your favourite cheese slices.

England understood this.

So when they had a practice game before their 83 one dayers against India, they simply threw it away and went back to the Gym to work on their glutes.

In the past international teams would have been embarrassed to lose to a team that is basically a club cricket side.

That is old school thinking.

In this new age of thinking, blue sky red ocean green whore, this all makes sense.

The England players now can re-hydrate with red bull isotonics, check their facebook profiles, and call their agents for the latest offers.

Obviously the only batsmen who needed a hit were Swann and Anderson, so they put on 34 for the last wicket, and then England went home.

By then it was 3 o’clock, and they had batted for 25 overs, more than enough.

KP is an astute leader, as well as letting his players keep all their match energy for the 1st one dayer, he has also lulled the Indians into a false sense of absurdity.

He knows that India is confident as, and that is a good sign for England.

I am surprised that England even got to 98, for maximum effect they should have let the opposition get 400 and then make 50.

But a good day for the England I am sure you will agree.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

The latest in fantasy cricket goodness, England V India, the jelly bean cup

The CWBCL fantasy league is over.

The winner was Q.

With all those Indians, Australians, Sri Lankans and English, a Pakistani won.

He was the only one gutsy enough to pick Krejza.

His prize, a post written just for him, will be up shortly.

Now The England are in India, and we have another fantasy league.

This is the jelly bean cup, and anyone who wants to be in the league, email me at cwb@cricketwithballs.com, and put jelly beans in the subject line.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

my dirty secret

No it's not chunky peanut butter and a dvd of "where the heart is".

That's not a secret.

My secret is uglier and dirtier than that.

It would mean that I am not allowed in the Oval.

It could end my career before it has started.

It will make Lalit Modi hate me, way more than just reading my blog.

I have been watching the ICL.

It comes for free on the Zee Music channel in England, obviously i would not pay for it.

But for free, i will rub it all over my body.

Like the IPL it's a culture shock watching it.

Although the major culture shock is listening to Dean Jones commentate.

He is like a bag full of coked up puppies, at feeding time.

He also says things like, "we have a saying back home, just have a fair dinkum go ya mug", well at my place back home we had a saying too, "fuck dean jones is a wanker".

Getting past him, they do have two people i like, obviously none of them are Tony Greig, A chick who does the interviewing, who is freakishly attractive, and Atul someone, an ex indian cricketer with a moustache that should be kept in a museum.

The level of cricket seems to be about english domestic level, but the waistlines are more Village cricket like.

You can't watch more than a game every 3 or 4 days, and obviously if there is real cricket on, or repeats of Mash, there is no need to watch it.

The best bit about it is you get to see your favourite journeymen in full glory.

My whole life i have wanted to see Jimmy Maher with a spare tire under his top. And now i can.

For me it is a nostalgic series, alot of my favourite cricketers never really made it at international level.

Ian Harvey & Matthew Elliott were my two favourite players when i was younger, so to have them back is great.

Elliott played a pull shot so nice the other day i could have poked the eye out of a cyclops with my erection.

And i miss that.

Also over there is Ryan Campbell, who if he was Victorian would have been my favourite cricketer of all time.

It's sort of like a bollywood seniors tour.

There is also really camp uniforms, cheerleaders hidden from half the crowd, over the top commentating, a stupid phrase they say when people hit a six, and a bunch of Indian players most of us have and will never here of.

No Bollywood stars though, instead the camera often pans to Daryl Cullinan, which is different.

Everyone should watch one game, but perhaps only one.

There is one serious problem with the league though, nothing to do with the cricket, or anything like that.

But the annoying logo in the corner that flashes and changes and looks like a 1980's music video effect.

That is really annoying, its like having Tony Greig dancing flashdance in the corner of the screen at all times.

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www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Monday, November 10, 2008

Miriam returns with some WAG words

I haven't posted for such a long time now that newer readers won't know that I exist, and older readers probably thought I'd disappeared into the ranks of the now-mythical Sime and Big Daddy.

However! I have been here all along, albeit with insufficient time to post. And now that The Jrod has more time to post since his arrival on this hallowed isle, too much of a good thing can be, well, too much.

But! Unlike Shane Warne, I have been spurred out of semi-retirement. By what, you might ask? To stick up for the women, of course.

After The England's frankly redonkulous effort in the Stanford, there have been suggestions that the wives and girlfriends, what with their Stanford lap-sitting and other activities that might distract our poor boys, were a factor.

After all, it was, no doubt, the existence of Emily Prior that led directly to Matt exposing his stumps so as to be comprehensively bowled by Jerome Taylor.

Such suggestions make me crosser than you can know.

I'm not saying that the existence of a partner on tour does not have an impact on a player's behaviour on or off the field (although, had Rachael Flintoff been in the West Indies last year, what are the chances that Freddie would have got drunk and gone pedalloing, if that's even a verb? Had Vicky Collingwood been in South Africa, the only inappropriate area Paul would have ended up in is an unshaded courtyard at midday without sunscreen, and even that's doubtful).

It would depend on the individual player, but I would have thought that some players find it helpful to have their partner present, some don't, and some aren't able to exercise a choice either way because the lady makes the decision.

What I AM saying, though, is that when a team puts in a woeful performance, this is their failure, not that of the women.

Blaming the presence of the women doesn't help anyone understand and address the real (cricketing) reasons for a team's poor performance.

And quite apart from demeaning the women, it's not exactly flattering to the men to suggest that they are sufficiently unfocussed that they can't play if their girlfriend is in the stand.

Also, many of these men are quite able to perform when they play in their own countries and go home to their partner every night.

If going on tour is seen as being a different environment where the men should be able to do male bonding things without a pesky wife telling them to go to sleep because they're playing a major international match the next day, then perhaps that in itself is the problem.

The last time I remember an England team's failure being attributed in some quarters to the presence of the partners was Baden Baden, where they were described as a distraction and the centre of a media circus.

But, Rio et al, perhaps if you'd played slightly more sparkling football about which we could actually get excited, we wouldn't have cared what your teammates' girlfriends were wearing. Frankly, the women probably WERE the most interesting aspect of that England campaign.


Don't blame the women. Or, if you really think their presence on a tour has an effect, give them credit when a team wins.
www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Could Dhoni be the best captain in world cricket?

It’s a scary question, not because Dhoni can't captain, he can, but can anyone else.

Australia has Ponting, who may not be in the job much longer, especially now 2 mad quick bowlers on are on the case.

Bangladesh has Crashraful, who while being the coolest batsman to watch go out, can’t really find a way to teach the kittens anything, especially since he is still a kitten himself.

England have KP, who talks the talk and fires up his team mates, but so far seems to not really understand fielding positions or games for cash.

New Zealand plumped for Daniel Vettori, he has glasses, so people assume he is intelligent, I haven’t seen many occurrences of this just yet.

Pakistan doesn’t have a team anymore, and when they did, they had a work experience kid looking after the boys.

Sri Lanka has Mahela, and lots of people rate him as a captain, I think he captains by numbers, and he never goes outside the lines.

South Africa chose Graeme Smith years ago, and just don’t have the balls to get rid of him, he is improving as a captain, by the time he is 43, he will be a great one.

West Indies picked Gayle, who doesn’t really want the job, but actually does a pretty good job from time to time in spite of it.

Not a golden era for Captains.

More a dark brown era.

Dhoni may not have been tested much so far, the Australian team certainly didn’t provide much in his two tests, but he has done well with limited opportunities.

He won the 2020 smells like world cup thingy.

He beat Australia and Sri Lanka during the Adam Gilchrist goodbye tour.

He almost one the IPL, if it wasn’t for the damn Warne.

And he was 2 zip in this series, while Kumble was zip zip.

It’s not so much the numbers though, it’s the way he reads the game, the way he takes chances, and the way he builds up his team mates.

The worst captaining I have seen him do was on the 5th day, but that is the only time i have seen him be overly defensive, and lose the plot for a little while.

We all saw the difference when Kumble left the field in the first test, it was if Dhoni went around taking out butt plugs from every player, or putting them in i suppose.

The waddling model may turn out to be another dud, but right at the moment he is the closest thing world cricket has to real captain type captain, well outside the IPL anyway.

Ofcourse he would be a better captain if he regained his old hair cut.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

ICC ground Ricky for one hour after school on a thrusday

The ICC has come down hard on Ricky Ponting for his slow over rates.

Fining him a whopping 20% of his match fee.

That’ll learn him.

No more fines you toothless dickheads.

We want Castrations, Suspensions and ACTION.

Fining these guys is not what scares them.

Ponting has proved the one thing he, and the rest of the slow ass captains, are afraid of, its SUSPENSION.

Although that is because my castration idea never took off.

The ICC has been sitting on their hands for so long now it’s ridiculous.

Captains are almost never suspended.

And yet the extra 30 minute rule is always used.

There should be no allowances for wickets, wickets are supposed to be taken, the whole allowances mess is what captains use to hide behind, so end it.

Captains have used and abused the ICC’s weak assed leniency too long.

Now action needs to be taken.

So if you feel like you are being ripped off by captains who take all day to set fields, by bowlers with long follow throughs, and by the endless chats between everyone on the field, here is your chance to do something.

Sign this petition, get your friends to sign it, get your dogs to sign it, email people on spam lists and get them to sign it.

Because this is our game, and I’ll be fucked if I will be short changed by a bunch of assholes who can’t do the simplest of tasks.

Pick a bowler, set the field, and play some cricket, how is that hard?www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

kiwis prepare with a bye

When New Zealand booked a warm up game they would have been pretty happy.

Plying themselves against the shield champions seemed like a good plan.

The shield champs aint what they used to be.

The side is young, and lacking stars.

That is not much help for a team that just played against Bangladesh.

17 year old Josh Hazelwood has been brought into the side for his debut.

He is called the being labelled the new McGrath.

Actually technically he is the new, new, new McGrath, with Clarke and Noffke gaining the first two places.

Why because he is 6 foot heaps, skinny as fuck, Glenny was 17 once, comes from the bush and doesn’t bowl left arm orthodox.

The team has three teenagers, a bunch of players under 23, and a few old dudes that no one cares about.

Hardly a brutal warm up for the Kiwis.

Victoria got over 400 with a collapse or two against a similar line up, except for the 2 teenagers that have been added.

NSWales isn’t laying off to lull the Kiwis into a false sense of anything, they just have injuries, and ofcourse more than a few players in India.

This is New Zealand’s only tour match, and then straight to the gabba for the 1st test.

Their squad is pace heavy, which is interesting since one of the tests is in Adelaide.

Jeetan Patel, New Zealand’s Andy Bichel, has missed out, but Iain O’Brien had been included.

I think that is a good thing, as I have never seen a more exciting cricketer ran O’Brien.

He is like Wasim Akram, Douggie Walters and Wes Hall all in one sexy slim line package.

Also Gareth Hopkins and Grant Elliott have both been picked, I still get the two confused, I know one is a keeper with an average record, and the other a South African with a low patriotism count.

I think this will be a far more talked about series than Australia in India, what do you think?www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

And it’s over

India Win, India win.

They were the better team, and they closed it out quite well in the end.

Australia were riding on the Christian Warrior’s shoulders for a while.

Then finally Mishra was brought on.

He got one to fly into King Probot Hussey’s gloves.

Once Dravid completed the catch, which for him was quite an achievement today, Australia was finished.

That was fitting, because the only other test where a side looked like taking 20 wickets, Mishra was the one who inspired India.

This was the best test of the series, which wasn’t hard, it was the only one where both sides could still win on the last day.

India won, even if they weren’t so convincing at all times, they were by far the better side.

Australia faced the media in a similar way to the way they played this whole series.

They thought they were doing the right things, but instead they just kept making mistakes and baffling the rest of us.

The dark cloud of over rates hung over the days play, India bowled 4 overs in the morning session, or so it seemed.

Test cricket is now an after lunch game, that is where all the overs are.

Things we learnt from today, Mishra handles pressure well, you can’t keep standing on the legside, and you can get a runner for being generally unwell.

India now have to play against a team a little better suited to their conditions.

And Australia have to play the Bangladeshi slayers from New Zealand.

The more experienced team, who was were better suited to the conditions, and a better unit, won the day, the test, and the series.

India now need to survive their transition period as the elderly gentleman depart.

Australia has shown the world that is not that easy.

Neither team has long before their next challenges.

Right now India will bathe in the glory of a 2-zip win against the Aussies.

And so they should.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Bushrangers name squad for Modi league

Victoria has put 15 names down for the Champions League thingy.

It's a pretty good squad.

Aaron Finch is in it, having only played one state game before.

Damien Wright couldn't get into a squad with 5 fast bowlers in it.

And Chris Rogers was not named.

Because of the controversial one ranga rule the BCCi cooked up.

Strangely they thought they needed two keepers, and didn't go for for young spinner Jon Holland.

Jon Holland not playing makes little sense, as last years campaign was very dependent on Bryce McGain's role of slowing down the opposition in the middle overs.

And being that this is in India, and they are only taking the part timers of White, Hussey and Hodge, it makes little sense.

But John Hastings, he of Hong Kong Sixes fame, made the squad, so I am happy with that.

Squad Rob Quiney, Aiden Blizzard, Brad Hodge, David Hussey, Cameron White (capt), Aaron Finch, Andrew McDonald, Adam Crosthwaite (wk), Matthew Wade (wk), John Hastings, Clint McKay, Shane Harwood, Peter Siddle, Darren Pattinson, Dirk Nannes.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Australia - defeated and now a little vulnerable

[b]As many had predicted, Australia did indeed lose their series in India. In the final analysis, they were twice thrashed and shaded one of the two draws: it was a humbling series, leading many to question whether they are the best side in the world any longer. India were disappointing in their recent series with Sri Lanka and South Africa â€" so, if the latter can gain a draw and a win from their two up-and-coming series, they could justifiably call themselves the world’s best.[/b]

Amidst all the gloom, there were three significant positives to emerge for Australia. Off-spinner Jason Krezja made a spectacular debut in the final game, claiming twelve scalps â€" although his economy rate of almost five illustrates that he received plenty of stick. But a wicket-taking spinner, even one who needs to improve his control, is something Australia needed and may just have found.

Shane Watson, batting at number six, mirrored Andrew Flintoff’s role in the England side. And there were signs the enigma can replicate his limited-overs form in Tests. He found batting hard, but hinted that he is capable of Test hundreds. And his reverse-swing and control evoked Flintoff: he was Australia’s best seamer. That was not saying too much, however, as Brett Lee had a torrid time, Stuart Clark proved toothless and Mitchell Johnson struggled after a fine start. From this vantage point, England will hope to have the better pace attack come next summer.

Finally, the unobtrusive Simon Katich had a fine series, averaging nearly 50. Unlike England with Mark Ramprakash, Australia have ignored age and past Test failings to reward first-class brilliance: Katich, with three hundreds in seven Tests since his recall, is fully vindicating them. His minimalist technique and eschewing of risk, save for the very occasional injudicious shot, made him invaluable at the top, while he even displayed the ability to dominate the bowling. Just as Justin Langer transformed himself from tenacious scrapper to top-order dominator, so could Katich.

But, save for Michael Hussey, the other batting was disappointing. Matthew Hayden fought hard but appears in decline: Australia’s selectors must be tempted to select Shaun Marsh soon. Ricky Ponting faded badly after beginning with a century, ensuring his record in India remains grim.

In the absence of Andrew Symonds and a spinner in whom they could trust, Australia’s team selection and on-field tactics were more confused than for years. Cameron White, a spinner who barely bowled, batted at eight, leaving Australia with only three bona fida bowlers. And Ponting resorted to a part-timer, in Michael Clarke, too much â€" he bowled only eight overs fewer than White â€" even though Katich looked the far more threatening spinner. His over-reliance on spin on the fourth afternoon of the final Test led Allan Border to criticise him for putting pocket before country. Had he bowled his seamers instead of part-timers, the over-rate would have suffered more, as would Ponting’s pocket â€" but Harbhajan and Dhoni may not have been able to share a crucial hundred partnership.

Amidst all the talk of empires ending, it is worth recalling that Australia were beaten in India in 2001 too. But that series was won by Herculean, career-defining efforts from Harbhajan Singh and VVS Laxman; man-for-man, no one thought Australia the inferior side. On this occasion, they have simply been worn down by a side superior in top- and middle-order batting, wicket-keeping, spinners and even, almost incredibly, pace. That is something altogether more worrying for the Aussies.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

it's alive

I asked for it, so now I have to get up for it.

I said I wanted the test to be live at the end of the 4th day.

And this is alive.

Australia would need a lot of luck to win from here.

But in a series where there has been no close games, this is a pretty good end.

Australia need Hayden & Ponting to make the most of the runs, and if they do it, they might go close.

India just need to be disciplined, take their chances and not panic.

I think India will create at least 10 wicket opportunities, so if they are going to drop them, make sure they aren’t Ponting or Hayden.

This could be a pretty good day of test cricket, I wonder if Dhoni will bowl Ganguly if they get behind the over rate.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

that is how we like it

The middle session today was way better than 383 2020 matches strung together with nude jelly wrestling.

It is why we love test cricket.

Action & Adventure

It started with a 14 run over from Sehwag, it was brutal.

Coming of age

Shane Watson, you probably aren’t going to believe this, changed the game.

He found reverse swing, took 2 wickets, one a lucky one, the other one was just the perfect delivery.

Heartbreak & Sex

Sehwag still in brutal touch gets a tickle down the legside, and is sodomized by Haddin, the crowd groans in unison as Sehwag departs.

Surrealism

Krejza bowling an offspinner so good that VVS looked like a regular batsman.

The End of the affair

Ganguly comes out in his last innings, lasts one ball, looks at the sky and leaves.

Hope

Jason Krejza going for his first hattrick, but falling short, again.

Twist ending

Then just as the session was about to end in a predictable way, Sachin tendulkar gave us a surprise end when he ran himself out.

What a great way to spend 2 hours.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Zaheer goes all 2003

Khan bowled one over last night.

But it isn’t one that will have given him a good nights rest.

India may well go on to win this game easily, but Australia couldn’t have asked for a better start.

13 runs, one a streaky edge, but the other two were from the most rubbish of the rubbishness deliveries.

They were short, they were ugly, and they got Australia off to a flier.

It wasn’t as bad as his 2003 world cup final choke.

But it wasn’t pretty either.

While Khan is older and wiser now, that was still not what he was looking for.

Especially with his old mate Hayden being there.

Ofcourse if India win he won’t care about his first over.

But if somehow they lose, oh the humanity.

He may never ever bowl the first over again.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Australia should be embarrassed

One of the first things you learn as a child playing sport in Australia is that the team is more important than the individual.

Today Australia did the opposite.

They gave away a test win, a test win that would draw the series, and keep the trophy, so that Ricky Ponting wouldn’t be suspended.

That is unacceptable.

Fuck Ricky Ponting.

The team needs to win.

I don’t care if he misses a test match because of slow over rate.

I want Australia to win the test.

Bowling Mike Hussey and Cameron White when India are imploding is stupid.

The wall was reversing, give Krejza someone at the other end that will help him.

Not a nervous looking White, or a docile looking Hussey.

Watson or Johnson should have been bowling.

They should have tried to win the game, and Ponting would have been a casualty along the way.

Like a player going out to bat with an injury to win the game, even though he knows he is making it worse.

That is supposed to be how we play the game.

But this chicken shit pouncing around is pathetic.

It is, to quote many a Redneck conservative idiotic Australian, Un-Australian.

Ricky Ponting deserves to be suspended.

Australia’s over rates are terrible.

But protecting him and losing a game is fucked up.

This isn’t even the first time this has happened, it happened in Perth, and Australia lost.

There it didn’t matter, here it does.

If the team got together and decided this, than they should be ashamed to be Australian cricketers.

The win is more important than the individual.

Ponting should have stood up as the Captain and said that winning this test was more important than him playing in the next test.

If he didn’t do that, then he should never play for Australia again.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

balls

But are they in you box.

No, do you still want to see them, go here.

If you want them in your box next week, email cwb@cricketwithballs.comwww.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Saturday, November 8, 2008

The definition of an 8-1 field

8 players are on one side, generally on the off side, so they can gaze lovingly into the eyes of the batsman.

This usually results in the batsman doubting his sexuality.

The one fielder on the leg side, should be the perviest player.

He should leer at the batsman’s hind quarters, making the batsman feel even more uncomfortable.

The bowlers are important too.

They bowl wide of the batsman, temping them with balls that are hittable.

It’s all about the seduction.

Then with the gazing, the pervert behind his back, and the subtle seduction, the batsman will/should explode in anger against this tirade of sexual energy that will/should result in a wicket, and the odd dropped catch.

And that, with Australia’s crap batting, is why India is in front today.

True story.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Australia bat on lithium

How to win a test match, with New Australia.

Make 166 runs in 85 overs on the third day, to lull the opposition into a true sense of security.

Brilliant.

Yes there are reasons.

India bowled defensibly.

The moon is in it’s block till death position at the moment.

And it is day of the wombat I am sure.

But what the fuck were they doing?

Everything was so good yesterday, they got to 200 at like 4 an over.

Then it all went wrong.

You expect King Probot Mike Hussey to bring the scoring down, that is his thing.

But Haddin and Cam?

What the fuck is going on?

Is Tim Neilson putting rohypnol in their cereal?

I have seen Haddin and Cam bat a lot, but in this series it’s as if they are some photo copied version of themselves.

Why pick attacking players, and hold them back.

Surely this is not the players doing, I don’t believe Brad Haddin even knows how to defend.

This was a tactic, because everyone did it.

It wasn’t even just these guys, it was Clarke, Watson, Krejza and Johnson.

Johnson, the man who slaps the ball to all parts, prodding like a turd with pads on.

For fucks sake man, you aint a batsman, you is a hitter, not a bad one at that.

A quick 40 odd could have given us the edge.

The only edge Australia have now is the razor blades all Australian fans got out whilst watching this days play.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

the peasants take over the castle

It had to happen, well it didn't have to, but it did.

Jrod does Crininfo. www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

John Davison comes home and then to Hong Kong

Canada's best ever slogger, and Victoria's best ever 12th man, John Davison, has returned to the loving bosom of Australian cricket.

And he has done so in style, captaining Australia's Hong Kong sixes with style and clas.

Which as you all know is the most important job you can aspire to In Australia.

He has a couple of young Victorian players with him, in the John Wayne Hastings and the northern suburbs own Michael Hill.

He can't lose.

Other than the game he has already lost.

John Davison (Captain) Brendan Drew John Hastings Michael Hill Stephen O'Keefe Nathan Reardon David Warnerwww.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

The parable of Shane’s One ball

Shane Watson’s wicket was more than just another failure by the broad shouldered young man.

It was a story about his cricket career so far.

The ball came out, it was a top spinner, the easiest to face of all spinning deliveries.

He came forward, foot near the pitch of the ball, full face of the bat, a textbook forward defence.

The ball hit pretty much the middle of the bat, and bounced hard into the turf.

The top spin forced it backwards, not at an alarming pace, but quick enough, Shane remained in full pose.

The ball then rolled off Shane’s impressive arm muscles, causing the Adonis to slowly turn, as the ball then made its last dash for the glory of the stumps.

By the time Watson had been alerted to the danger and moved around in his mechanical way, the bails had fallen, and he was left in an awkward pose, his ass facing the camera, his bail on the ground and his dignity no where to be found.

This was Shane Watson’s career.

True Story.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Friday, November 7, 2008

Krejza, An Andalusian Dog

This never really happened, did it.

8 wickets, on debut, for a guy with a first class record that makes ordinary look great.

It’s a fucken surreal dream that should include ants coming out of hands.

We don’t even know the dude though.

Imagine you were Krejza’s best friend, his lover, his mother.

Hopefully not all three.

But one of them.

And he was playing his first test.

What is the best result you could hope for, 6 wickets in the match, a handy 2 for in the first innings, an a plucky 4 wickets in the second.

What would you be thinking as the wickets went down one by one.

Dravid, the wall, mounted by your little boy.

Sehwag, the god, struck down by your special guy.

VVS, the surgeon, sliced open by your main man.

Dhoni, the waddling model, side swiped by your mate.

Ganguly, the Giant Alien Lizard, probed by the light of your life.

Then the tailenders, which are the cherry on top of your surreal little day.

Can you imagine how this would feel?

Ofcourse not, because we saw this shit, we don’t know him, and half of us don’t believe what we saw.

Imagine what his family, friends and lovers must be feeling.

Some of them must be thinking they just drank from one of Jason’s spiked drinks.

They must be doubting their reality matrix at this stage.

And if the freaky deaky dream like Krejza experience wasn’t enough, then as they are coming down, a krab scuttles out and makes 90* off 120 balls.

Luis Buñuel couldn’t make that shit up.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

south africa and bangladesh in fashion shocker

Guys you know how shitty it is when you go to the pub in your favourite jeans and t shirt white t shirt combo only to see someone else in the exact same jeans and white t shirt combo.

Its soooooooo embarrassing.

Imagine doing it live around the world.

The good thing is if Bangladesh ever can't afford national uniforms they can wear South Africa's hand me downs.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

A tale of two edits

I wrote a piece about Australian spinners and Zombies for TWC.

Here it is.

Only, no zombies.

Press read more for 100% more Zombies full directors cut un edited even when it could have done with editing post.


Imagine you are held up in a castle, which is surrounded by Zombies,
and there are 5 people with you.

One is a librarian, two of them accountants, one unemployed X box
champ and a carpenter who did 6 months of kick boxing.

At this stage you are better equipped to survive the zombies than
Australia is to find a spinner.

You think you know how bad Australia’s spin options are, you really
don’t.

Forget about White’s straight’uns, and Krejza’s cameo on this test.

Back home the truth is even uglier.

3 games into the domestic season and the number one spinning wicket
taker is Marcus North with 6 wickets.

Marcus North is a batsman, a good one, and as a spinner is someone you
bowl before a break, or when your state doesn’t want to pick a real
spinner. His career first class bowling average is 44.

Next on the list is Nathan Hauritz, occasional Australian tourist with
a career first class bowling average of 49, and he has 5 wickets half
way through his third game. How he still gets a first class game for
NSWales is beyond me.

Behind him is Andrew Symonds, the best performed finger spinner
Australia has had since Colin Funky Miller and still in the doghouse
over his fishing.

Then Adam Voges, another batsman, who gets a bowl when Marcus North is
tired.

Rounding out the top 5 is Aaron O’Brien of South Australia, who has a
career first class bowling average of over 70, and a career batting
average of 25. He proves if you can hold a bat you can get a game for
South Australia at the moment.

That is what Australia has to pick from.

They haven’t had the best of luck with their spinners.

Shane Warne retires to spend time with the ladies, Brad Hogg retires
to tend to his sick lady, and Stuart MacGill retires because the fat
lady was singing.

Then they find Cricket With Balls Own Nice Bryce McGain in an internet
café searching dating sites, they offer him the job, he takes it, but
his arm is stuffed from all those years of moving his mouse around and
he can’t bowl.

So what do they have left, a batsman who doesn’t bowl himself in
White, and an off spinner with a terrible record on the field and not
much better off it in Krejza.

Not to forget Beautiful Beau Casson who went from being a test
cricketer to not being a regular in his state side without playing a
game in between.

Australia does not have a spin dilemma, they simply don’t have spinners.

What they have is part timers, White, North, Symonds, and Voges.

And journeymen, Krejza, Hauritz, Casson, and O’Brien.

There are young spinners coming through, Jon Holland from Victoria has
impressed a lot of players in his first year, and Steve Smith from
NSWales looks like a real talent.

Unfortunately Dan Cullen, Xavier Doherty and Cullen Bailey have been
“coming through” for so long now it looks like they have gotten lost.

If you were a selector looking for an Australian spinner right now,
you’d probably prefer to take on a few Zombies.

Although, you could argue most of these guys bowl like Zombies already.


Now be honest, better with or without Zombies?

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www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

The Balls & Ass Of Krazy Krejza

Balls

8 fucking wickets on debut.

The pitch was not some sinning spinning minefield.

Actual flight.

Actual spin.

Actual bounce.

Has guts.

Can take on the best.

Good variation.

Great sideburns

Ass

Leaks runs like dysentery.

Took the wickets on a track with spin.

Was attacked with gay abandon.

Even Cam bowled well yesterday.

4th Australian in history to score 200 with the ball

Bob Massie had great sideburns as well.

Australia dislikes finger spinners.

No doosra.

Is from NSWales.

Looks like a mugger.

A bunch of the top order went out to shit, shit shots.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Bushrangers settle for more first innings points

Victoria seem to be having trouble closing the deal this year.

Read here.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Is this the end for Herschelle Gibbs?

[b]The clock is ticking on the career of one of modern cricket's most exciting and controversial players.[/b]

Herschelle Gibbs’ axing for South Africa’s One Day series with Bangladesh might spell the end of one of cricket’s most colourful careers. Controversy has followed the explosive Cape Towner around and it would be sadly apt if an off-field indiscretion is to be Gibbs’ final contribution to South African cricket.

Gibbs will be 35 in February and cannot be seen as a long-term part of the Proteas’ plans. Dropped from the Test team in January, his hopes of continued selection for limited overs cricket hung in the balance even before his latest error of judgment, with the selectors keen to rebuild after the One Day team’s heavy defeat in England.

If this is to be the end for Gibbs, he should be remembered for his stunning strokeplay, not the ill-discipline that dogged his career, although this is not an attempt to gloss over his failure to live up to the role model status he was afforded as a representation of South Africa’s united sporting future.

It is easy to dwell on his role in the Cronje match-fixing scandal, his unseemly altercation with Pakistani fans that brought a two Test ban and his drink-related bans, but my principal memory of Gibbs will be his flawless 183 at the Oval in September 2003.

That innings was a microcosm of Gibbs’ career. He exhibited his full range of strokes, striking 36 boundaries and totally mastering the home bowling attack, but his dismissal shortly before the close, slogging wildly at Ashley Giles, precipitated a collapse that culminated in unexpected defeat.

Gibbs’ hand-eye coordination and attacking instinct made him one of the most fluent batsmen of modern times, capable of destruction that puts him in the same bracket as fellow modern-day dashers Adam Gilchrist and Sanath Jayasuriya.

However, Gibbs never utilised his massive natural talent in quite the same way as those left-handed stroke makers, hinting at the petulant and undisciplined streak that got him in hot water with the authorities.

Even his status as one of the game’s greatest ever fielders is tarnished by his dropping of Steve Waugh during the 1999 World Cup, with the Aussie’s riposte to the fielder’s haste to celebrate now in cricketing folklore.

Gibbs fans will choose another encounter with South Africa’s fiercest rivals as Gibbs’ career-defining moment.

No other player could have played the innings Gibbs did in taking the Proteas to their target of 435 in the famous One Day match at the Wanderers in March 2006. 175 from 111 balls, with 21 fours and seven sixes, was the ultimate showcase of Gibbs’ talent. A unique match and a unique player.


[b]Written by Philip Oliver, a sports writer who blogs about [/b][b]cricket betting[/b][b].[/b]

Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Surrey off season poll

Surrey have been all over the offseason.

Bhaji in, Saqi out, Tudor in, Butcher out.

What do you think, take the poll.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Bushrangers stumble

It was all going so well, but something called Burt Cockley and Australia's next once in a generation batsman Phillip Hughes got in the way.

Bastards.

Go here. www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Sachin & Australia try to out gentleman each other

Australians get a lot of flak.

You’re all assholes.

Fucken cheats.

Angry mother fuckers.

You know, the usual stuff.

But when to they do something nice, no one mentions it.

Well I will.

Australia did the gentlemanly thing today in letting Tendulkar have his 100.

It takes real skill to miss a run out and follow it up with 2 dropped catches in the space of 26 runs.

Australia made it happen.

Why, because they are gentleman of the highest order.

Obviously.

And Tendulkar, being the Über gentleman he is, doffed his helmet and then quickly departed after such great treatment.

He knew that after a first 50 off 65 balls, and his second 59 off 123, he may need way too much charity from the Australians to get to 150.

Well played all round gentleman.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Krazy Krejza comes in from shipyard clutching a golden coin he found in a tanker of faeces

Jason Krejza, the man with the bowling average higher than one of his night outs on the town, got a game.

And what a game.

He started with some penertrating bowling at 10 an over.

Just as he was about to be put down forever, something weird happened.

He got out proper test batsmen.

Repeatedly.

It’s not often you can go for 5 an over and take more than half the wickets in the day, but Krazy Krejza did so.

He got Dravid, and slipped one through Laxman, but they are both in their golden years.

But he got Sehwag.

The God, the prophet, the leader of Sehwagology.

And he was flying, really flying.

We all know what that is like, like taking Heroin intravenously while having sex with Katie Holmes as Samantha Morton burns a tied up Tom Cruise with a cattle brand that says, Massive wanker me, with Fugazi playing live next door.

Sehwag was deceived, ever so slightly.

It happens, the man's utter brilliance often runs out of the cup.

You can only walk the line so often.

Now Krejza can go to his grave a happy man.

On its tombstone it shall read:

“Here lies Krazy Krejza, loved by his family, and the luckiest mother fucker ever to bowl off spin, he will be sorely”

Ofcourse he didn't get Tendulkar out, that is for Victorian debutantes.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

The two things that shit me from the first day

The crowd

Where are they?

What is the go?

5 day passes only.

Over priced at that.

And tendulkar makes a century to a county cricket crowd.

The BCCi need to fix this, and quick.

I know they no longer care about test cricket, but it would be nice if the people who did could go to a game.

The over rate

Victoria bowled 91.1 overs in a day against NSWales and took 10 wickets, and then batted for a few overs.

18 overs were bowled by spinners.

Australia bowled 87 overs in their day, with an extra half an hour, and had 41 overs bowled by spinners and only 5 wickets.

This has to be Ricky Ponting’s fault.

If the ICC had any balls he would miss the entire New Zealand tour.

Castration is too good for him, but I can’t think of anything worse right now.

I am sure the 8 fans at the ground were pissed too.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Own up

Jason Krejza is no superstar.

Obviously.

But he already looks more suited to India than Lee or Clark.

When Krejza was picked to tour I wasn’t that unhappy.

I thought he should have got the gig before Casson, and he did.

Then he got smashed in the warm up game, and all the good things I have said about him, and there were a couple, were forgotten by me.

Suddenly the White & Watson combination looked better, than Krejza and anyone.

Watson and White, for all their average bowling, have taken 11 wickets in the series, which as the joint 4th bowler is better than Lee and Clark.

Both of them have been handy with the bat, without dominating.

But they weren’t going to cover the shortfall of the 2 main bowlers not getting any wickets.

Krejza was the risk Australia needed to take to win this test.

Once upon a time would have taken it.

Not now, in this day and age they would have weighed up all the probables, and decided White was less risky.

The only risk they took in the first 3 tests was on Clark’s elbow, and that failed in the 3rd test.

Now, with the series almost gone, Krejza comes in.

And he performs, maybe not at Ashley Mallett levels, but he took more wickets than the rest of the Australians put together.

Australia was too slow to adapt.

The other added bonus of having Krezja play was that Cameron White bowled well.

Stripped of his role as number one spinner, Cam bowled quite well, as being second string spinner is his thing.

So now that we know that Krejza can bowl in India, why has it taken Australia so long to bring him in?

And who made the decision?

Was it the selectors or Ricky?

Someone needs to own up to this, if you want to be the big cheese, you have to own up to your mistakes as well as your successes.

But why do I get the feeling that no one will put their hand up for this one.

I would have picked him for the 3rd test, instead of Clark, even i can admit that was too late, and he should have come in before that.

We all make mistakes boys, but owning up to them wont kill you.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

the Dennis Quaid experience

The last test of the ‘duller than a dead bastard monkey’ series is upon us.

Gambhir is out.

White may be as well.

Two debutantes are likely to come in.

Will they make this the most exciting test in this series.

Doubtful.

Although it doesn’t need much for it to be exciting.

40 wickets would be a start.

Both teams having a chance to win deep into the test would be cool.

And a pitch where something happens, bounce, spin, or the the ball rolling, anything.

The last series didn’t have one really close test, but it had charisma.

It was the Burt Reynolds series.

This is the Dennis Quaid series.

On paper it could have been something, but from the time it hit the screens it has been bland.

Blame the pitches, or the fact that only once has either team looked like bowling the other out.

But either way, this series has had not much going for it.

All that could change with this one test though.

I doubt it, but it could.

This series may go down as the retirement series, and very rarely is watching old men shuffle off exciting.

I would like to see Australia chasing 250 on the last day to keep the trophy, and Mishra and Bhaji trying to stop them would be nice.

Can I order one of those please?www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Swann becomes a german sci fi angel

I saw Ceci, of Mel & Ceci fame, was doing a bunch of cricket inspired movie covers.

So i asked for this one, because Swanny reminds me of Maria.

www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

a modern love story about sledging

I love sledging.

It is great.

Test Cricket would be poorer if it were not there.

Soft players like Graeme Hick might have had careers.

Yuck.

So when Albie “I don’t need to hear from Gautam” Sachs comes in and says it is against the spirit of the game, he goes straight into my Peter Roebuck file.

Spirit of the game, spirit of my asshole.

I am so sick of this bullshit.

Sledging has always happened, back in the day it was more gentlemanly by-play, and it included things like, here is my bunny and I’ll bet you a thruppunenny you can’t hit my wicket ol’ chap.

Times have changed, and so has the language.

Sledging has a limit, racism is out, homophobia will be next.

No one likes to see a batsman be sent off.

And other people probably have limits that I don’t care about.

Gautam City Gambhir has made his name in this series.

Before this he was a fringe test batsman with a good white ball record.

Everyone could see his talent, but he couldn’t quite make it happen in tests.

He looked good early on against Australia, but they talked him out of his innings.

The minute he stopped scoring freely they were all over him, and he fell for it.

Then he stood up, and he used the sledging to focus himself, and suddenly the boy who couldn’t make a test century become the man who made a double ton.

Did he let it get to him, yes.

And physically that manifested itself as an angry elbow.

But he used it to urge him on as well, who knows if he would have had a series like this if the Australians didn't force him to concentrate.

Now he leaves this series as a proper test batsman.

One who can take all the shit thrown at him, and make runs at the highest level.

Tis a beautiful thing this sledging is.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Jrod, a friend to white gloves everywhere

OK sports fans, time to cough up the green for charity.

I am growing a moustache for movember.

That is probably pushing it, I have shaved my lip and will see what comes of it.

I am trying to grow something manly and David Boonesque.

Alas It may end up more wispy and Gangulyesque.

For those not aware what Movember is, it is about mens health, prostate cancer, and getting Doctors to stick their white latexed fingers up your anus.

Sounds like fun right.

So go to my movember page and donate.

Especially you long term readers, bout time you chipped in.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

THE CWBCL hots up

Here we stand at the final test.

This has been a Fantasy league that no one will forget.

Aashrey has stolen the league

Moses and Cafh are prowling.

Miriam has made made up alot of ground late, can she make it.

Jo Fitz is still last, by quite a way.

The Winner will receive a post written on any topic of their liking.

Position Manager Team Name Points 01 Aashrey Crack them up. 4774 02 _Vijendra 22Balls 4652 03 Beer-and-Sport Bástard Monkeys 4631 04 cafh wristy perverts 4497 05 nestaquin Curried Baked Beans XI 4461 06 Miriam legs XI 4358 07 DonQ Qs Busted Monkeys XI 4349 08 j-rod *LM the giant adams apple XI 4102 09 cjdunning BS XI 4020 10 FlySlip flyslips xi 3998 11 LisaW Ba-Dop-Boom-Bang 3897 12 dkirby Welling United 3873 13 mukukv Paper Lions 3637 14 JoFitz Random cricket blokes 3177

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any ranga can play

Victoria continue to be well served by Victoria's own Chris Rogers.

NSWales have no bowlers though, yay.

Go here.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

New Zealanders turn

Shane Bond is angry at NZC.

New Zealanders are angry at Shane Bond.

Read here for details of why New Zealand's leading angry sports site hates him.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Elbows are evil, obviously

We all see cricket differently.

The ICC saw Gautam city’s elbow tap on Shane Watson, and suspended him from the test.

I saw it and thought it was pretty cool.

Apparently Gambhir broke one of Peter Roebuck’s spirit of cricket rules.

Peter offered to spank him, but the ICC thought the adequate punishment was missing what is now the most important test in a dull series.

Why?

Batsman have been giving bowlers an 'accidental elbow' since WG Grace was eating 5 chickens for dinner.

Ever tried to get on the tube with elbows, not possible.

Elbows are an part of everyday life.

And bowlers deserve the odd one, as do politicians, pop singers, and old people.

It keeps them on their toes.

Shane Watson deserves way more than one.

A man with his bowling ability who sledges deserves a penile lobotomy.

Gambhir did not have the tools to carry out such a procedure on the field, so instead he elbowed him.

Would appear to be harmless enough, but someone rattled the fun polices cage and they decided that children might take this new elbow craze to the streets.

Mass panic would ensue.

Elbows, part of the axis of evil, can be used for all sorts of terrorist related activities as well.

And thusly must be outlawed from cricket, and school yards.

So Gambhir, if you ever play again, I suggest using your shoulder.

That is still ok, I guess.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Mike, more superkingy than warriory

The one thing we know about the IPL is that what we heard yesterday will not be true tomorrow.

Mike Hussey was not supposed to be available for the champions league.

It meant he didn’t have to choose between the state that gave him his career, the team that gave him a new car or 3.

At the time he said he would have chosen his IPL team because Modi said he should, even though there was no contract at that stage, and I bagged him.

I do that.

Now the dates have changed and he is playing for the super kings.

Lucky Hussey.

I know the Victorian boys made a pact that said under no circumstance would they play for anyone else if Victoria made the Champions League.

Luckily they all played for shit IPL teams.

Hussey, who thinks he will feel uncomfortable playing against the team that reared him, is a nice guy.

But surely he needs to grow some balls, whether that means pulling out if he plays against his team, they are in different sides of the draw, or saying to Modi, we were told we could play for our home teams, and you changed the rules, so bite my ass you fucker I’m a retro vision warrior.

He wont do that.

Instead he wont make waves, and he will do what the IPL and CA ask him to do.

Sit, roll over, play dead.

Good boy.

And if you think I am being hard on him, you have no idea how hard I would be on a Victorian player who did this.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Ed goes to Sussex, Micky goes to Coburg

Ed Joyce finally leaves Middlesex

It was possibly the worst kept secret since The Others.

Ed is a smart fella though, playing in the Stanford grab for cash, and getting nothing there.


Now he is playing in the Modi grab for cash, and then going to Sussex.

No idea why he would want to go to Sussex PM (Post Mushie).

But he and Middlesex were an uncomfortable fit, and by the end there was obviously a pebble in the shoe.

This just wasn’t the year for Eds at Middlesex.

Middlesex obviously think they are still a chance to make some waves in the champions league, so they have kept him there, even though this is a kick in the balls for them.

Ed, formerly Coburg player, will go back to division one in a last ditch effort to make the national (not his national side, but a national side) side you would think, but I think the ship may have sailed and sunk by now.

In other Coburg Cricket Club News, Mick Lewis, former Victorian enforcer, is going to play for the club.

Tis quite a coup for the Sub District club, as he is fresh out of the navy blue.

I told a story when Mick Lewis retired about him terrorising a Coburg opening batsman just for kicks.

Coburg obviously signed him just to make sure that didn’t happen again.

Say what you want about my ex club, but they aint stupid.

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News from New Zealand, Jake makes the women cry, Jesse to shake his ass for Australians and Shane still bitter

Jacob Oram’s back is so bad, he is cancelling his modelling shoot on the gold coast, also the cricket tour he was going to play inbetween.

His back has never recovered from all the times he bent it bowling at his top pace.

Sorry.

It is so bad that he can’t play Australia.

Millions of Australian women are crying into their cereal this morning.


Jacob inspired mills & boon books are being burnt.

And women are cancelling their holidays.

An emotionally frail Australia may have been just the meal ticket for the perfect boyfriend.

Although the pitches with bounce might have troubled him, and that could have left Ian Smith in tears, actual man tears.

So perhaps this is all for the best.

New Zealand probably wont beat Australia regardless of the perfect boyfriends condition, but he would have been one of those X Factors I hear so much about.

He could have filled the day with 10 overs of that choking medium pace he likes so much.

And then popped in with the odd cameo when the Aussie bowlers were too tired to bowl short.

Instead he will be at home, and some South African no one in the world cares about will play.

It’s hardly the same thing now is it.

The tour will still be exciting, as Badonkadonk Ryder is involved.

Australia love a opposition cult figure, and the last one to turn up was Monty, and he bored the crap out of them.

So they need a bit of sumtin sumtin, and Jesse should be able to provide said flair.

In more New Zealand cricket news Shane Bond has come out and said he never wants to play for his country again after the way he was treated.

He will play for Indian millionaires though, they rock.

Imagine if all the cricketers in the world decided not to play for their country after they were treated badly.

Pakistan and the West Indies would never field a team.

Australia would have only Probots, more so than now.

And England would have a team of public school boys saying toodle pip and wishing they could be amateurs again.

Remember Shane, your country is more important than bumbling administracrats who can’t even appoint a coach.

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The retirement was overdue

It seems churlish not to say nice things when somebody retires. And I do admit I was a little touched when Kumble walked up to bowl his final over after 18 years of international cricket, during which time he bowled India to victory more than anybody else, albeit on helpful Indian pitches. But it has to be said that he did not deserve a place in the side for this series, or even the previous one in Sri Lanka. He averaged nearly fifty runs a wicket in the last four series, three of them played on sub-continental pitches.
Kumble also has been less of a team-man than it appears. He played in the first Test, and maybe even in the third, with a dodgy shoulder. It was ironic to hear him say that he decided to announce his retirement because he did not want to play in the fourth Test without being fully fit as that would be unfair to the team. I mean, with eleven stitches in his hand, and with only a four-day break between the third and fourth Tests, there was no way he could have played anyway. And given his fitness, bowling form, and lacklustre captaincy, there was every likelihood of his being dropped from the side. So to turn the retirement into a noble gesture was a bit grandiose. And so was that last inconsequential catch he took of Johnson, and the flinging of the ball in anger to chide the team for dropping all those catches. His angry reaction to Amit Mishra dropping a catch off his bowling was equally out of wack, considering it was Kumble who started the rash of dropped catches with the vital one of Hayden off Mishra's bowling on the third day. Anyway, I'm looking forward to watching Amit Mishra now, instead of the predictable Kumble. Ever since the Lankans figured out that Kumble could be played like an in-swinger, he really lost his wicket-taking ability. Nobody played for the leg-spin, and everybody kept their pads out of harm's way. Q.E.D Kumble.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Goodbye Anil

No more straight ones, no more forehead wiping, and no more Anil.

The man is gone.

There will never be another Kumble.

It is not possible.

Being a legspinner is hard enough, but to play at his level for this long, without a ripping leg break is super human.

It’s like a porn star having a small dick.

Or a porn star having no breasts.

It just doesn’t happen.

Somehow Anil made it work.

That takes a special man, a great man.

To rise above all the crap that goes on in Indian cricket and be a genuine match winner for over 100 tests is amazing.

He was written off so many times, but something in him just rose above it all.

And that is why he is a champion.

He wasn’t exciting, not even to a leg spinner, but he still won matches and contributed to his country winning games, not many players can say they did that.

Compared with the other great test spinners of his generation, he looks average.

But like a boxer without a knockout punch, he is overlooked and underrated.

Sure Murali and Warne had the weapons, but Kumble could punch all day, or for all 5 days.

He was never going to win as many fights as the other two, but he never stopped punching.

I would say in the history of test cricket there has been hundreds of bowlers more talented than Kumble.

Yet he has out lived, out bowled, and out muscled almost all of them.

That is a special player.

That is Anil Kumble.

And test cricket was lucky to have him.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

time to end the big bear experiment

No one wants a Victorian in the test team more than I.

Sorry Bill, but it is true.

Victoria has two test standard players, unfortunately neither of them are in India.

What we have is a promising young bowler, with a heart the size of a normal heart, but he can bowl long spells.

And a batsmen who use to bowl.

I love Cam.

He is a brilliant captain, one hell of a fielder, and he can really bat.

He used to be able to bowl.

Then something happened, it went away.

That is ok, i still love him.

But if Australia want to draw this series, and keep the trophy, then Cam needs to go.

I think, considering the amount of bowling he did last year, he has done a good job, but he is not a proper spinner.

And he knows it.

And Ricky really really knows it.

Everyone except for Sachin knows it.

So as much as i love him, Australia have to let him go.

Time to let Krejza out of the gimp closet.

Even if he bombs so bad that it hurts our eyes, it doesn't really matter if Australia lose 2 nil or 1 nil.

So now that Cam has shown that the only thing he can spin to victory is a frisbee (not sure what that means) Krazy Krejza has to come in.

He may not take anymore wickets than Cam would, but its worth a go.

Ofcourse Punter would have to dump his new best mate, and that is never his thing.

This post really hurts me by the way.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Oh noes

No balls in your box.

Then go here.

Or email cwb@cricketwithballs.com and get next weeks episode straight into your box, so fresh so clean.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

England think too much

The Superstars won the money.

They wanted to win, they thought about winning, they prepared to win.

And they won.

Some would say that is how you play sports.

England decided on a different tact.

First the selection process was not for a 2020 game, it was the one day squad.

Some new players were made to feel uncomfortable at their selection, like they had anything to do with it.

From there some players were talking about money, some were talking about India, some were talking about playing for their country.

England arrived days before their first game.

They all tried to sound unconcerned about money, even though the game was money.

Then the wags, and Stanford visits got to them.

Then they lost the game.

Peter Moores and KP believe their heads were not in the game.

But who’s fault was that?

With Moores taking shit about what the game was about, and KP telling everyone to respect the crunch of credit, they had their boys all fucked up in the noggin.

They were playing a team who wanted to win, for them it was the about the money.

And they have it.

Apparently KP told Gayle that that the Superstars needed the money more than his boys did.

Perhaps he is a philanthropist after all.

At least he didn’t try to make the Windies Grovel for their money.

He just sort of gave it to them.

If that was the plan, they did it beautifully.

This was the BANDaid of cricket tournaments, shame they never get the really shit hot musicians in.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

A claytons Anil tribute

The great sweat covered forehead is leaving us.

I was caught with my pants down by this, and therefore have no great tribute for his retirement.

However, i did once upon a time write something about him and it is one of my all time favourite posts.

So go there for now.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Surrey slap happy and kiss some ass as well

Bhaji signs for Surrey, but at what price?

Go here.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

a tale of two skippers

Australia has played two test series in one this year.

The first one has been against Anil Kumble's team, Australia has done pretty well against them, but can't take 20 wickets.

The second series is against MS Dhoni's men, and in the first test they were destroyed.

Anhiliated.

Seriously fucked up.

So now that the king of the straight one is gone, Australia have a hell of a time levelling this series.

Not only do they need to overcome their 20 wicket hoodoo, but they need to overcome Dhoni's magical waddle, and perhaps that is a bridge too far.

The Indian team loves his swaying hips and can't wait to get into action with him.

This should be enough to win the series even if Australia has regained some composure.

So far not an exciting series, the best we can hope for is deep into this test for both teams to have a chance of winning and no draws in sight.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Saturday, November 1, 2008

600 use to mean something

I left the land of the living with Australia in turmoil.

Brett Lee wasn’t allowed to bowl.

Cam White was.

Matthew Hayden was talking up a 20 odd.

And Simon Katich was still playing.

Then while I was in cornwall, India batted for 2 days.

600 runs were gotten, surely that would guarantee that at the very least India could not lose.

Well somehow it is possible.

And not only it is possible that they lose, it is more likely that they will lose than the other side.

How the fuck is this possible?

Ok the game will probably end in a draw, no matter how confident Michael Clarke is.

But the fact Australia is a chance of winning does prove one thing, shit team or great team, Australia is a team that hates to lose.

Also the whole Michael Clarke thing is confusing me, yet again he makes a hundred when he comes in with the score over 150, but this time they really needed it.

Should I rate it, or not?www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Champagne or Chicken and Chips

If England were...

A horse, they would have been taken behind a screen and shot.

A Woman, they would have been beaten by a hairy large drunken man.

A Criminal, they would have been sodomized with a broom.

A Middle Eastern nation, they would have been invaded and bombed by America.

An Anus, they would have got in the way of a large penis.

A pimple, some teenager just popped them good.

A teenage girl, R Kelly just came over.

This wasn't a game, this was a destroyation of England.

Kp said England were too busy thinking about other things.

I am not sure if every England player was day dreaming about Stanford giving the pregnant Prior the high hard one or not, but they played like they did.

Their batsmen were limper than elton john's wrists.

Their bowlers were bowling like extras in a romero film.

The SS XI were great, you can't say a bad word about them, even if everyone one of them mentioned God.

They picked England up and said "don't worry mon, it'll be ova soon, now grab your ankles".

Gayle and Fletcher brushed England aside like you would flick off a dead fly.

Allen Stanford has an erection that could bring down the titanic right now.

And the correct result was obtained, the poor boys won, and the boring professionals fly out to India onlu to find Australia has played them into top form.

Somehow I enjoyed the Stanford circus, not the game, or the nonsense, but the result.

The teeth grinding from KP made it all worth while.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

The CWB Stanford Drinking game*

Following on the great response to Miriam's drinking game for the IPL final, i have tried to follow in her footsteps.

Use this wisely my friends, and if you can’t drink responsibly, drink rambunctiously.

1 finger

A dropped catch (although two fingers if you think your mum could have caught it).

Any standard Stanford siting.

A mention of the facilities.

Discussions of Gayle’s omission.

Tony Cozier telling you about an Old West Indian Cricketer or Adminstracrat.

Mentions of the black bats.

2 fingers

A shot of Curtly Ambrose’s Mohawk.

Bumble using the word pressure, or any word that is similar.

Every time KP looks befuddled.

Interview with a player on field who can’t hear the questions, or any technical problems with interviews at all.

3 fingers

Any shots of the pool.

James Anderson sightings (down your glass is he looks moody)

For overs where more than 10 runs are scored.

An example of green eyed jealousy by a former player over the cash.

If an umpiring decision is not referred and you think it should be.

Down your glasses

Anytime Stanford touches someone (handshakes excepted).

When Emily Prior is shown.

If the Stanford Superstars are called West Indies.

Down your glasses with a drink you have bought on holidays.

If either team scores over 170.


Merry Drinking everyone.


*Not for use by the weak or the wounded.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside

Is their an opening?

When Jerry Springer finally retires, i think Mike Haysman could replace him without anyone noticing.

The likeness is freaky.www.cricketwithballs.com... We constantly get sodomized down the legside