Pup likes em flat with cash

<p class="MsoNormal">Michael Clarke’s innings last night was like watching Kate Winslet and Natalie Portman exchange bodily fluids.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I know.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Clarke loves a flat track and money in the bank when he walks to the wicket, but you can’t take that away from that innings.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">It was like Butter.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I must admit I watched it after a long day on beer, and half a bottle of something called Teddy Bear Port, but it still seemed damn good.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">While the Krab Katich (he failed against the second new ball, so I retract everything nice already) and Roy couldn’t play balls off their pads, Clarke was on fire (plus Ramdin dropped him off his pads)
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He was like a sh1t hot car park attendant, he drove everything.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">I know.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">This wicket is flat, not keira flat, but there isn’t much curve to it.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">When Johnson and Lee swat around the ball you know it’s not going to be a bowlers paradise.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">All except one man, Clarke again.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The new rule for Australian spinners is whether they can out bowl Clarke.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Hogg couldn’t and retired.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">MacGill looks like he can’t either.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">It would be unlogical of me to suggest that Michael Clarke is the best spinner in Australia.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Because Bryce McGain is from Australia.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">But since Warne retired Clarke has been the best spinner in the Australian test XI.

www.cricketwithballs.com

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I'm like Shaun Marsh, and not just the drinking

According to world renowned sports writer Nigel Henderson, who wrote, “If It Was Raining Palaces, I’d Get Hit By The Dunny Door” and "Choke", I am comparable with Shaun SOS Marsh.

Shaun Marsh (see Fanfare for a common man) may be being unfairly overlooked by Australia’s selectors, but there is another Aussie that people should be paying attention to. His name, apparently, is JRod.
My name is Jrod, apparently.

But I am not just like Shaun Marsh in the fact I haven't been called up to the majors.

We have other things in common.

Both of our fathers were legends.

Swampy, opening the batting for Australia.

PK, opening the bowling for Campbellfield and North Carlton.

Shaun Marsh once got suspended for drinking too much.

I used to get suspended all the time.

Both of our fathers were successful coaches.

Swampy, for Australia.

PK, for Campbellfield under 14's, and under 16's.

Shaun is Australian.

I am Australian.

Shaun Marsh likes cricket.

I like cricket.

True story.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Katich the Killer

Unlike the rest of you, I have always rated Simon Katich.

While all of you, yes you as well, have bagged him, said he was useless, given him embarrassing nicknames, I have told you how talented the man you call the Krab.

You are all cruel bastards.

Some of you, yes you, will even say that just because he made a hundred doesn’t make him a test player.

You may say that taking all freakin day to make a hundred against the West Indies does not show you enough.

You are a hard bastard.

Just because it was a flat wicket.

The West Indies forgot to load their pop guns.

And Ponting took the pressure off by scoring actual runs while Katich dug himself into the wicket.

But it was Katich’s amazing batting skills that shone through.

He is a champion, just like I have always said.

Bow down before him.

Kiss his toes.

Lick at his ankles.

LICK THEM.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Pre test Gambit

I do not know what a gambit is.

Australia have dropped Brad Hodge, and reinserted sensitive new age dude Michael Clarke.

Ricky Ponting likes to back people.

It’s his thing.

He learnt it from Steve Waugh.

Ricky comes out and says I back [insert current out of form player here] and I want them around.

The first time I remember him doing it was for Brett Lee, and that worked, he turned him into a superstar one day bowler, while he continued to be an over rated test bowler until recently.

Then he turned Roy from the guy who was warming up Shane Watson’s spot to the man in the one day game, and then later, in the test arena.

At that stage it seemed he was a good hudge of cattle.

Now he seems to have lost the magic touch.

Recently Ponting has tried to work his magic over two men.

Stuart MacGill was backed before Sri Lanka toured, and then again in the Windies.

Stuey’s new stock ball, the full toss, is not fooling anyone, Stuart looks dodgy.

His last 3 tests have been horrible, and at 37 you can’t see him getting too many more chances.

Simon Katich has been backed today, as a future opener.

The Krab was a former middle order disappointment for Australia, and after one test he is a current top order disappointment.

Australia’s brightest top order batsman is playing for the Punjab.

Perhaps Ponting sees something in the Krab and Stuey that my non test playing eyes can’t see.

West Indies are up and dancing.

They think Australia are now beatable, and with Gayle an Lawson probably coming back they are floating on air.

Gayle has often struggled against McGrath, now he has to face Rupert Clark, so that should be a good battle.

Jerome Taylor may be back as well, which means Sammy will probably get the ass.

The Windies have certainly talked, and prayed, a good game this week, so they must not get blown away.

Gayle is a good in for them, but I don't know if I would pick Taylor, Sammy strengthens there tail, and with a top order than collapses tragically, a number 8 who can hold a bat is an important player.

So I will back Sammy, publicly, not because I see a bright future for hi, just because I like the shape of his head.

The result

Australia should have blown away some cobwebs and should win this easily.www.cricketwithballs.com

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2nd test 1st session report WI v AU

Fidel Edwards replicated the moment I fell in love with cricket as he charged in for his first ball of the day and fell over.

Then he bowled an expensive over to follow it up.

Pitch looks good for batting, good idea to bring 5 quicks in for the Windies.

Obviously they were a bit uncomfortable with an attacking spinner.

That was the bit Jacques and Katich just plopped around.

Then Jacques got caught straight in front.

Boy can’t make runs unless Hayden is there to hold is hand.

Dwayne Smackdown Bravo was the break through man yet again, he has golden balls, I am sure of it.

Australia’s run rate was abysmal, and the Windies getting a wicket was a victory for cricket itself.

Ponting came in and showed intent, he was probably as bored as the rest of us.

What else happened…

Um, Ponting scored at twice the rate of Katich.

Jacques played Marsh into his spot.

Bravo looked good.

The rest of the Windies bowled very tidily.

And Australia scored at less than 3 runs an over on a pretty standard wicket.

Never a good sign.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Doing Geoff Miller's job

[b]With the One Day series around the corner, it’s selection time again. New Zealand are one of the better One Day teams in world cricket and showed that they are a tough nut to crack during the winter. However, England’s two previous series were wins against India and away to Sri Lanka, so the home team can also take some comfort in recent form.[/b]

[b]Andrew Flintoff[/b] and [b]Simon Jones [/b]have not been considered for selection as they continue their recoveries from injury. Otherwise, recent form is a strong factor in the selection of this 15 man squad.

[b]Top Order Batting[/b]
The top order should contain one anchorman with the rest being strokeplayers. The England team has plenty of strength in depth with batting due to the number of all-rounders available. Therefore, a more aggressive approach can be taken at the start of the innings. The role of anchorman has been taken in recent games by [b]Ali Cook[/b] and [b]Ian Bell[/b] (normally in the same match). Both make my squad, but on the understanding that only one will play in a match. The wicket keeper should also be considered to be a top order batsman and with [b]Kevin Pietersen [/b]coming in at four, the other specialist batsman should come in at three. Holding onto his place will be [b]Owais Shah[/b], and just seeing off the challenge of his Surrey teammate James Benning for the reserve slot is [b]Usman Afzaal[/b] who has had a magnificent FP Trophy.

[b]Middle Order Batting/ Allrounders[/b]
[b]Paul Collingwood[/b] should continue to captain the side. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that his best moment in the test was when he went into One Day mode to finish the game before the tea interval. Also in the team, primarily as batsmen but possibly to share 20 overs with Collingwood, should be [b]Ravi Bopara[/b] and [b]Luke Wright[/b] both of whom again are scoring a lot of runs. Sharing 20 overs between batting allrounders may be a risky strategy, so bowling all rounders [b]Tim Bresnan [/b]and [b]Dimi Mascarenhas [/b]are also be selected

[b]Wicket Keeper[/b]
Phil Mustard hasn’t done anything in wrong in the last two series. He’s just not really done anything of note either with just the one fifty in ten matches. Tim Ambrose is also clearly a capable batsman and excellent keeper but with a technique which could be found wanting at the top of the order. [b]Matt Prior [/b]is the batsman in form in county cricket as a whole and despite an even more indifferent start to his One Day career than Mustard, he is worthy of another chance and gets the nod here.

[b]Bowling[/b]
[b]Graeme Swann[/b] is the man in possession and has shown himself to be a good attacking One Day bowler and a better option in this form of the game than Monty Panesar. The three pace bowlers also pick themselves, with only two likely to be used in any match. [b]Ryan Sidebottom [/b]and [b]Stuart Broad [/b]are the ones likely to make the team, with James Anderson as the reserve bowler and Bresnan providing further cover.

The Squad
Ian Bell
Matt Prior
Owais Shah
Kevin Pietersen
Paul Collingwood
Ravi Bopara
Luke Wright
Tim Bresnan
Graeme Swann
Stuart Broad
Ryan Sidebottom

Ali Cook
Usman Afzaal
Dimitri Mascarenhas
James Anderson

Prior Knowledge

[b]The England ODI side to face New Zealand in one Twenty20 International and five ODI’s is announced later on today. It is rumoured that there is to be a surprise or two. After reviewing the Friends Provident Trophy matches so far this season, I have tried to identify who is deserving of a place in the side.[/b]

The first surprise is that Andrew Strauss is being considered for a recall. Whilst Strauss has clearly worked hard to reinvent himself and is deservedly reaping the benefits, there is no doubt that he is not what England need in the ODI arena, especially given the rise of whiz bang cricket and ever higher run rates. Strauss would be best left to focus on Test cricket and constructing solid innings as in the last Test match. He plays best when he isn’t under pressure to score. From this readers could be forgiven for assuming that Alistair Cook would be my pick at the top. Sorry again. Whilst Strauss isn’t going to be taking Cook’s place, somebody else will! Alistair Cook, very much like Strauss, plays best when not under pressure to score. Neither are Marcus Trescothick and playing them in the hope that they one day will be is sheer foolishness. And a Trescothick is exactly what England need up at the top of the order. Cook tried initially, but looked unnatural and kept on getting out attempting to hit over the top. Then he played his way, which brought more runs, but did nothing for the run rate in comparative terms. His first ODI hundred against India at The Rose Bowl was indicative of Cook’s problem. Whilst he did compile a brilliant innings, England could have unleashed the fury much earlier in the match, but Cook was seemingly unable to do so. Indeed, Ian Bell, his partner in crime, was able to do so to a greater extent. Once again England fell short of the mammoth score which they should have made. Of course, it wasn’t a problem in that particular game, but it could well be in the future.

England have also tried to replace Trescothick, most recently with Phil Mustard, who has also taken over the wicket keeping duties, with limited success. Mustard came to prominence during Durham’s run to the Friends Provident Final last season, which ultimately culminated in them winning their first trophy. His exciting brand of cricket was compared to Adam Gilchrist, always the bench mark for a wicket keeper it seems, no matter how unfair. At international level though, and I say this after his limited appearances, he doesn’t appear to be able to convert starts in to the bigger fifties and hundreds which win matches and are the backbone of any limited overs side. His form in domestic cricket this year has also been far from impressive, as those of us with him in our fantasy sides can testify! Jeremy Coney, after his first sighting of Mustard, described him as a leg side bully. It is hard to disagree at times, although he clearly has more to his game than this. Ultimately though, after ten matches, he is averaging 23.30, with only a solitary fifty to his name.

The change which I therefore wish to see and which looks increasingly likely, is the recall of Matt Prior to the ODI side. Whether this be as wicket keeper or not doesn’t really bother me. He clearly has the ability with the bat to cope as a top six batsmen. Whilst he too only averages 22.90 after his return to the side last year, scoring the one fifty, he is without doubt a better batsman than Mustard. He averages 40.14 in Test cricket and is so far the leading scorer in First Class cricket this season, with 473 runs at an average of 67. He has only failed to pass fifty once in fact and in Sussex’s most recent game scored both a hundred and fifty, whilst nobody else was able to even get past forty. His efforts won the game. That record clearly deserves rewarding. What of his wicket keeping though? Well, it is often the unreported facet of the game. Without being there it is hard to judge. Some reports suggest improvement and this would be understandable, away from the scrutiny and pressure of the international arena. In his favour is that he played well as the keeper for England in limited overs cricket and did not make the same volume of mistakes as in Test match cricket, mistakes for which he was rightly dropped. His keeping will need to be at a much higher level before he returns to Test cricket. However, a return to the ODI side will enable him to ease his way back in, set about keeping successfully through fifty overs, rather than two hundred or more over five days.

If Prior is to come in for Mustard, then I may well bat him down the order, where he operates so well for Sussex. He could also open of course, a position he has yet to convince in at international level. Vikram Solanki is the only other real candidate for the opening role, yet he has been in and out of the side over so many years that I doubt he will be selected, despite his excellent limited overs form. My definite opener would be Ian Bell as I feel he is the player England should look to, to bat through the innings. His best ODI innings for my mind was against Australia when he opened. His promotion would allow Kevin Pietersen to bat at number three, where he could better dictate the game for England. This could be the fresh change with Pietersen needs in order to reinvigorate his own game and focus on his strength, being positive. At four would come Owais Shah, as I believe that too much of his ability against spin is lost down at number six, plus England now have better options down the order. Usman Afzaal and Samit Patel could also be in contention for this position in the future, given their impressive allround performances for their counties in the FP Trophy thus far this season.

Five would be the captain, Paul Collingwood, in his familiar role. At six I would have Luke Wright (if Prior were to open, it may be worth swapping the two around at some point), he has so far played his best cricket for England at the death. Seven would be Andrew Flintoff when he returns. Until then, Ravi Bopara would be a sound choice. Eight would be Dimi Mascarenhas, who has shown enough to make that position his own. Nine would be the ever improving Stuart Broad, who looks more at home in the ODI side than the Test team. Ten would be the ever reliable Ryan Sidebottom.

The batting depth of this side would allow England to play Monty Panesar at number eleven should he develop more variety. It can be argued though that he needs the experience of playing in order to develop that variety. His rivals are Graeme Swann, Adil Rahsid and James Tredwell, all of whom could comfortably bat at number nine, or possibly higher if required. For me, building for the next World Cup and given his success against New Zealand thus far, I would choose Panesar, with Rashid as the second spinner.

James Anderson would be the standby seamer and could also play instead of Bopara until Flintoff’s return if deemed necessary. He is still far too inconsistent though and that is why he does not make the final XI. Even in Test match cricket he still bowls a lot of four balls and doesn’t seem to be able to maintain consistent pressure on the batsmen.

I believe that England are working their way towards building a successful and positive limited overs side. The introduction of more positive players has led to an improvement and will continue to do so.

[b]THE XI:[/b]

Ian Bell
Matt Prior (wk)
Kevin Pietersen
Owais Shah
Paul Collingwood (c)
Luke Wright
Andrew Flintoff (Ravi Bopara/James Anderson(11))
Dimi Mascarenhas
Stuart Broad
Ryan Sidebottom
Monty Panesar

[b]The Reserves:[/b]

James Anderson
Adil Rashid
Ravi Bopara
Alistair Cook

An open letter to the cricket administracrats of New Zealand.

Dear Sirs/Madams,

According to my website, New Zealand is everyone's second favourite side.

Personally, I have never really liked New Zealand, but that is a Russell Crowe related issue.

Being that no one in New Zealand cares much about cricket, except for them, them and them, you have had a free ride.

Your free ride stops here.

New Zealand are missing one key ingredient in a cricket side, the heavy handed fast bowler.

Sure your version is only heavy handed on those rare cases he isn't injured, but he still has what is known as "THE PACE".

Kyle Mills, an admirable extra from 300 spartans, is a decent bowler, but he does not have "THE PACE".

Iain O'Brien, an admirable extra from turtles can fly, bowls a tight line and length, but he does not have "THE PACE".

And Chris Martin, an admirable extra from The Warriors, bis more than handy, but he does not have "THE PACE".

The one bowler with "THE PACE", is currently plying his trade for some county side, playing in front of 4 school kids and a handful of guys with glaucoma.

That is more of a crowd than a New Zealand test match, but surely he could be used for test matches.

One avid fan has devised a scheme to get your man back into the fray, but you have ignored it.

So, now I feel the need to tell you administracrats some home truths.

New Zealand, with Bond, not bad, watch your back.

New Zealand, without Bond, pretty average, 20 wickets seem alot.

The ICL furore has been sorted, people chose to ignore it.

The IPL is bankrupting bowling alleys, Salman Khan has been banished to Australia, and it's killing the infomercials in the ratings.

They do not care about Shane Bond, and the ICL anymore, so slip him in now while the finals are on.

Call him Iain O'Brien, give him an spikey hair do, and make him smile like he just met a girl in a chat room, no one will know.

I promise.

No one takes that much notice of New Zealand anyway.

So take advantage of it.

Bring Back Bondy.

Or Angry Mark Gillespie, anyone that will actually entertain us.www.cricketwithballs.com

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time for 2 metre Peter?

Some of us have never played test cricket.

We probably aren’t good enough.

Some of us have played test cricket, and still aren’t good enough.

James Marshall is one of those.

I don't know alot about James Marshall, and it's not like I did research to find out details about his dairy farming parents.

His technique is not particularly bad.

His temperament is ok.

And he usually tucks in his shirt.

I have played with club cricketers who have that pedigree, and they have better hair do's.

He has now played 7 tests.

His test average was is 19, his first class average is 30.

He is not a test number 3.

At 29 he is not a project player.

He is a journeyman, the ICL will offer him a contract soon, and he will be off.

New Zealand need more.

For New Zealand to win the third test, which I can only assume is their aim, they need a change at number 3.

England assume they can get him out.

Their assumptions are based on facts.

How is the only one of the top 3 who can actually bat.

Redmund is a shine reducer, and Marshall is a night watchman.

Perhaps it’s time to let two metre Peter Fulton out of the shed.

He may not have the hair do of James, but he has shown more than Marshall in his career and is worth a go.

Either that or bring in Hamish.www.cricketwithballs.com

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the slide

Recently much has been made of Australia’s slide.

Most of this is because of Stuart MacGill’s new found ability not to land his leg break.

Also Mitchell Johnson and his line 3 foot wide of off stump.

Plus their sick reliance on Matthew Hayden.

And let us not forget Michael Clarke’s dodgy form in pressure situations.

I wrote this recently, and this, ages ago.

But, in how many countries would a player like Shaun Marsh not be good enough to be picked in their top 8 batsmen.

And realistically, David Hussey would still be ahead of him on the list, so Marsh may not even be in Australia’s top 9 batsman.

We the people, all know this is rubbish, and that he should be currently preparing to open for Australia ahead of the krab katich.

Or at least be carrying the drinks and trying some rum instead of Brad Hodge.

But it does show the amazing depth that Australia still has, even without the champions at the top.

Shane Watson is probably the best performed player in the IPL, if Marsh isn’t, and he is not in Australia’s one day squad.

Both David Hussey and Luke Pomersbach have been less dominant than Marsh and Watson, but they have both payed innings that have showed they belong.

You may ask where are the young Australian bowlers.

Well Brett Geeves got spanked every time he got a gig.

And almost every other young Australian bowler is a physical basket case, but Peter Sizzle (Siddle), and Douggie Bollinger take wickets on one leg.

But Marsh still stands out. Not just because of the runs he has made, or the strike rate he has maintained, but because he hasn’t slogged.

He has kept his technique, and he has batted like a serious batsman type batsman, which means he may turn out to be a real player on the international circuit.

Want more than IPL proof, well the English sports writers are already worried about him for the Ashes.

Ok the English are always worried about the Ashes, but in Marsh, they have just cause.

And by 2013 Shaun’s little brother Mitchell will be in England, probably batting at number 3.

Cricket With Balls, monitoring the demise of Australia one MacGill long hop at a time.www.cricketwithballs.com

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workmanlike, pot, kettle, vaughan

Michael Vaughan said that the New Zealand team is workmanlike before the first test.

Some Kiwis got offended.

Most people think he is right.

But I would say most people are idiots.

After two tests it has been proved that if any team is workmanlike it’s England.

New Zealand has Taylor, an attacking batsman who can win a game at any time.

Oram, one of the most destructive big hitters in the game.

And Prince Brendan McCullum, the most exciting batsman on earth.

Who does England have that can compare to these 3?

I would say pound for pound England has the most workmanlike side on earth.

KP, was a former most exciting batsman on earth, but once he was at the English firm for long enough they made him an in house lawyer, after he couldn't cut it in private practice in South Africa.

The English firm

Strauss, is an experienced HR manager who calls himself wing commander and everyone laughs at him.

Cook, the fresh young graduate in IT who everyone suspects wears mascara.

Vaughan, the CEO, who thinks he is still the young buck but all his shorts have yellow stains on them.

Bell, is the salesman everyone talks up as exciting because he went to a rave once.

Collingwood, is the accountant, no one works longer hours for less work.

Ambrose, the new marketing manager, started with a bang, but so did the last 4 guys in his job.

Broad, is the son of a former employee who works in dispatch, everyone talks about how young he is, no one talks about how good he is.

Sidebottom, the factory foreman, without him the company would cease to exist.

Panesar, the office manager who wears odd socks and novelty ties, but sits on the net all day looking for a girlfriend.

Anderson, is the guy who drives the fork lift into the walls, but the girls still think is dreamy.

There are no players in there who are genuine superstars (at the moment), no players who are worth the admission price on their own, no players who can inspire great deeds.

New Zealand definitely have some blue collar players, O’Brien and How are as workmanlike as you can get, but McCullum is more exciting than anyone wearing the pristine whites for England at the moment.

England, are like an episode of the office with the cast of Neighbours playing all the parts.

Actually, that might be even better to watch...www.cricketwithballs.com

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The Victorian home for broken down tassie quicks

In uninteresting to anyone other than ma, and 4 others news, Tasmanian fast bowlers are playing some sort of sick game with Victoria.

First Gerard Denton comes to Victoria, and in the three games he is fit he takes like 80 wickets.

Then he retires.

Only to then un-retire and sign back with Tasmania.

Then his former Tasmanian new ball partner, the also always injured Damien Wright signs with Victoria.

Is there some Tasmanian fast bowling rehabilitation plan going on in Victoria at the moment?

Is Ben Hilfenhaus next.

Why Victoria need near crippled Tasmanian bowlers is beyond me.

Peter Sizzle, Dirty Dirk, Crazy Clint Mackay, and Eyelids seem like a good roster to me.

And none of them are in any danger of playing for Australia.

Should Victoria continue to take the tassie quicks, can we make requests, cause I really like Brett Geeves.

I don’t care if he has been rubbish in the IPL.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Hayden, against the world

Matthew Hayden is leaving the holy land.

His ankle has not recovered, Dei Gratia for Hodgey/Krab.

Australia only has two contracted openers, it’s almost as if Outside the Church there is no salvation.

Australia does have Shaun Marsh, whose father sent us his son to atone for his sins, but we did not accept him into our side.

Before leaving, Hayden took Katich into his bosom and said, In this side you will conquer.

But Krabs didn’t get a mention with Noah.

Katich wanted to respond with Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, but Hayden, sensing his time was not long on this earth, was gone.

From the corner of the room was a small man with a sensible haircut from Victoria saying I am not worthy, Oh lord Non sum dignus, I am not worthy, without the Mike Myers affliction.

It was really annoying, Rupert Clark changed seats.

Ponting looked longingly at the place Hayden used to sit, thinking to himself, Long live Hayden the King!.

Tim Neilson, sensing the sombre mood after Haydens exitus (uhum) stated in a loud and booming Voice, one day I shall sing, Hayden resurrexit!www.cricketwithballs.com

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MacGill Monty Miriam Threesome

OK person who googled the title of this post four times to get to the site instead of [b]KEEPING YOUR SICK FANTASIES TO YOURSELF,[/b] you win. Here is your post.
The answer to your googlequery is: that is one heck of a wierd threesome and I do NOT want in. In fact, I now need some, or possibly all, of the following to scrub from my brain the vision that you have implanted: SoapLysolBrillo pad A refiner's fire100 Hail Mary'sNight out drinking Chumbawamba cocktails on an empty stomachConcussion from Brett Lee or James AndersonThat flashy blinky thing from "Men In Black"Lobotomy<p align="justify">
If, however, IF I happened to be into the kind of thing that you, googler, are clearly into (and I'm saying nothing), and if you happened to google any of the following, the answer would be ohgodyesplease:
Vettori Oram Miriam Threesome (needs absolutely no explanation)Dhoni Gony Miriam Threesome (oh the pretty ones)Dirty Dirk Eyelids Miriam Threesome (I have a thing for the Vics in England, so sue me)Ryder Chawla Miriam Threesome (I can't begin to explain this even if I tried, and I probably shouldn't). <p align="justify">
<p align="justify">[b]Other wacky google searches from today:[/b]
<p align="justify">why are some men so vain (because they are trying to compensate for something)
<p align="justify">england v new zealand chasing inflatable jelly bean (oh, alright, it's here)
<p align="justify">and all of the following:
cricketer's sisters supermodelscricketer's supermodel wivessouth african cricketer sister supermodelsupermodel sister of famous cricketersupermodel wives to famous cricketerswhich cricketer has supermodel sisterwhich cricketer sister and wife are supermodels?<p align="justify">(as you want to know so badly, your persistence is rewarded: you are probably looking for Cindy Nel, but (a) she's no longer Jacques Kallis' girlfriend, and (b) I'm not actually sure that she is Andre Nel's sister. The other possibility I can think of is Neil McKenzie, whose sister Megan is a model. Honestly, I am way too good to you people).
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">
www.cricketwithballs.com

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new players in blog world, and a hero XI

Was over at Line & Length, and he was spruiking two new blogs.

One is written by the great Terry Jenner, you know the Australian leg spinner who is famous for guiding Warney and being a reformed law breaker.It has a definition of the word matrix.

True story.

Another new blog is called reverse sweep, it's written by Nigel Henderson, who wrote If It Was Raining Palaces, I’d Get Hit By The Dunny Door, which people told me was funny, but I didn't read, since I don't read cricket books.

He gets a special mention not because he is an author, but because he picked a heroes XI and included a Victorian All rounder.

Sure it was Max Walker, but it gets him a link here.

My hero XI

Matthew Elliott
Desmond Haynes
Dean Jones
Viv Richards
Allan Border
Ian Harvey
Darren Berry
Wasim Akram
Merv Hughes
Mushtaq Ahmed
Curtly Ambrose

Aamir Sohail (12th man)

If you have a Heroes XI pop yours in the comments, and I'll pretend to be interested.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

The most important leg spinners ever

Abdul Qadir . His action is still the sexiest thing you have ever seen on a cricket field. Part Ballerina, part Saber Toothed Tiger, he single handedly kept the art alive in the 1980’s. Big angry fast bowlers tried to kill it and batsmen in general, but Abdul just kept whipping himself into the crease and confusing the batsman with his magical deliveries. Statistically he had no real impact on cricket, but anyone who saw him bowl will never forget him.

Richie Benaud. On the field Richie’s contribution to leg spinning was moderate as he came after two greats in Tiger Bill and Clarrie. But in the commentary box Richie has done as much for leg spinning as any one human could. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be Richie? The man sold leg spinning like a magic potion that could fix what ails ya.

Shane Warne. Abdul may have kept the artform alive, but Shane Warne shoved it down the world's throat with such force it would be hard to see it ever leave us again. The man, who looks more like a plumber than an artist, had such an effect on leg spin that children may be excused for thinking he invented it. He transformed leg spinning from an on field mystery to a tabloid grabbing media whore.

Clarrie Grimmet. The New Zealand born Australian leg break bowler took 20 years to make it to international cricket. When he did so he did so with a click of his fingers, and the flipper was born. Remained the hardest ball to bowl in cricket until Saqlain Mushtaq invented the doosra. Also is the quickest bowler to 200 wickets, and he got there with just a click… No, I won’t go there, again.

Bernard James Tindal Bosanquet. A surprising choice on this list as he is English, and we all know that the English have almost no leg spinners of any acclaim. But Bosanquet invented the goodly, wrong’un or bosie playing with a tennis ball on a table. Now a staple of almost all leg spinners, but back then it was so shocking he was lucky he didn’t get burnt at the stake.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Dirty Dirk Nannes - FOUND

Ladies (ha) and gentlemen (HA) I am pleased to announce that the search is over.

No, not the location of Osama
No, not the true identity of Jack the Ripper
No, not England's new bowling all-rounder saviour who will wrestle the Ashes from Michael Clarke's (probably manicured) hands.

YES, that's right people. Following on from my previous search for Dirty Dirk Nannes, it gives me great pleasure to report that he has been FOUND!

Dirty Dirk played his first bit of county cricket today. Yay! The dude got a game! I couldn't be more excited for him if he were my husband.

He took part in Middlesex's crushing 8-wicket (Duckworth-Lewis) victory over The Essex today. He took a wicket in his first over, getting Pettini lbw for a duck.
Now, Pettini can be dangerous, so I am quite sure this wicket was directly responsible for limiting Essex to a gettable 244 instead of, say, a redonkulous 391.
As it turned out, it then rained and rained, this being England in May, but Middlesex got in enough overs easily to make the D/L target.
It's not a trailblazing county debut in quite the same way as Grimsby-born Eyelids Patterson's 5 - 22, but it's a game.
Middlesex, we want loads more Dirty Dirk please.

(Big thanks to Suave for the tip off)

[b]EDIT! [/b][b]EDIT! EDIT! EDIT![/b] [b]EDIT! [/b]
Ceci has pointed out, in the comments, my EXTREME WRONGNESS. Apparently, Dirk played against Warwicks in the County Champs earlier this month!
O NOES indeed! And, more to the point, [b]why was I not told? Hmm?[/b]

Minus point: my whole post is rendered redundant.

Plus point: it is kind of reassuring to find that someone else has been stalking Dirty Dirk more closely than I.

Either way, Dirk is found, all is right with the world, and between Ceci and I he will never get lost again.

No matter how hard he tries.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

How do you solve a problem like Matt Prior?

Regular readers will be aware of my interest in wicket keeping and my preference for “real” wicket keepers. However, with the effect that Alec Stewart and particularly Adam Gilchrist had on the position, being just a wicket-keeper is no longer good enough. Righly or wrongly, a keeper needs to be selected on the basis of his batting skills more than his keeping skills, otherwise Chris Read would have been the England keeper for the past 5-6 years.

The current group of wicket-keepers vying for places in the England test team range from the pure wicket-keeping, unorthodox batting of Chris Read to the poor wicket keeping but fine batting of Matt Prior with current incumbent Tim Ambrose and James Foster in between (Phil Mustard has been deliberately omitted as neither his matting nor his keeping are adequate for test cricket). This situation is reminiscent of the early 1990s, and the start of the career of England’s archetypal batsman-wicket keeper: Alec Stewart.

Stewart started out as a batsman in 1990 before replacing the specialist wicket keeper, Jack Russell, during the Ashes series of 1991 as England looked for a better balance to the team. This was in the days of Phil Defreitas and Chris Lewis as the England all rounder, who were essentially bowlers who could bat, so the need for an extra bowler or batsman was critical. The next few series then took a familiar pattern. Russell would start as the wicket keeper, with Stewart opening the batting. However, as the results became disappointing, Stewart would be moved to keep wicket to draft in an extra batsman or bowler. As Stewart’s wicket keeping improved, he spent more time as keeper, playing 82 of his 133 tests behind the stumps. This was also to the detriment of his batting average, which was 46.7 as a batsman, but only 35 when keeping wicket.

Despite these movements in his position, Stewart’s position in the team was never in doubt. He was one of England’s premier batsmen and the wicket keeping was good enough (and improving) while never in the same class as Russell. Indeed, he finished the 1990s as the top scorer in test cricket for the decade, taking over as captain of the side in 1998 with a series victory over South Africa, up to the disappointing World Cup in 1999.

So how does this help us with the England wicket keeping position? The closest that England have to Stewart is Matt Prior. Prior averages over 40 in test cricket and during his last series, away to Sri Lanka finished third in the England batting averages, behind Ian Bell and Ali Cook. The series saw a maturity in his batting, which had been previously reliant on scoring quickly. He scored 19 off 100 balls in saving the 3rd test, while he scored half-centuries during the first two tests, the second being a fine example of marshalling the tail. Despite Tim Ambrose’s fine century in the second test in New Zealand, it is difficult to imagine him playing such an innings for England in such circumstances.

Prior has started the season in blistering form. He is averaging 67 in the championship, in a Sussex team where Murray Goodwin is the only other player to average above 40 and has failed to reach fifty just once. With a test average above 40 (and 5 runs better than Stewart’s as a wicket keeper), he is clearly good enough to play for England as a specialist batsman. As with Stewart, once he is ensconced into the team, his presence will give the selectors the option of using his wicket keeping skills, and he will have the confidence to know that he is being judged mainly on his batting, with the keeping allowing other options in the team selection. He would need to improve his keeping, but the knowledge that this is not the be all and end all of his game should allow him to relax into his role

Alec Stewart was not a great wicket keeper, particularly standing up. He was however, a more than adequate keeper and one of the best batsmen in world cricket. Matt Prior could be the heir to Stewart in more ways than one.

Daniel Flynn, no Nansy Pansy

According to William Shatner you don’t want to be one.

Jacob Oram has spent the best part of his career with the tag of “NP” never far away from him.

Jason Gillespie would play if he had a broken leg in the second part of the career to dispel the myth that he was.

Daniel Flynn better get used to it.

Cricket, test cricket, is not a place for the soft.

Facing Brett lee, Dale Steyn or Malinga is a test of courage.

Flynn got hit, he lost a tooth or two, he suffered concussion, he threw up for hours, he could not sleep, and he didn’t bat.

On the face of it he looks soft.

The truth is that he wanted to bat in the 2nd innings and he wasn’t allowed.

It may place too much importance on him to say it cost the victory, but it sure as hell didn’t help.

Educated cricket fans will know Flynn wanted to bat, but everyone else will label him soft.

And once pronounced soft, the label sticks for a long time.

Flynn looks anything but soft.

He looks like he should be beating up bigger kids at an arcade parlour.

While this will sound harsh, he reminds me of Justin Langer.

A scrapper, a fighter, a tough little bastard.

So why hold him back?

Australia spent Langers whole career putting him in harms way.

He debuted as a 21 year old against the Windies, and loved it.

He fielded at short leg for almost ten years.

He was told if he got hit in the head one more time he could die, he continued to play.

One time Langer almost got killed in South Africa by a Ntini bouncer, the Doctors told Ponting that Langer could not bat.

With 8 wickets down and 10 runs to get Langer padded up, Ponting told him he would try and restrain him from getting to the field, or declare on him.

Australia one without losing another wicket.

Langer said afterwards had Ponting stopped him from batting he would have never talked to him again.

That is the sort of player you want on your side.

New Zealand needs more players that will die to win a test match.

They have the bling, Taylor, Oram and Prince Brendan, now they need the grunt.

Flynn seems to be potentially grunt like, so let him play with a sore head, and see how he goes.

He still has plenty of teeth left.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

IPL report

Some people may say that I have abandoned the IPL.

Those people are black liars.

I haven't abandoned it, I've just been busy.

So here is some IPL news for you.

According to the brilliantly titled gay bombay website, MS Dhoni is the player that most gay bombayites would like to convert.

Dhoni shit it in, and as he likes to win, and be thought of as hot, so I am sure he was very pleased.

Like a candle in the wind at number two was Yuvraj Singh, yet again he loses to MS Dhoni.

The third man in and completing an MS sandwich of Yuvraj was one of my favourite players in the IPL, Gony (read this about him), who would be the sort of cricketer Tony Greig would label as "Broad Shouldered".

Surprisingly the Gam bombayians don't like the Vanilla men, instead they crave the chocolate.

Bollywood aspirant Brett Lee, Curvey Warney, Jelly Bean Watson and baby faced Morkel all came in the rear.

I should probably edit that last line.

Megahottie Graeme "I can't get a date" Smith got no votes.

Neither did Kamran Akmal.

The hottest team was the Kings XI Punjab, that team was surely named to appeal to the pink dollars.

For real coverage of the IPL go to Well Pitched.

Or for Buñuelesque rants on the IPL go here.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Jesse's back in town

His home town in New Zealand, that is. NOT London town, because Jesse Ryder WON'T make it to England for the one-dayers.

His hand has not yet recovered from its unfortunate nighttime rendezvous with a toilet window.

O NOES! This is an EPIC FAIL on the part of his hand tendons.
I am very disappointed, for the following reasons:
My "Jesse Is My Kind Of All-Rounder" and "What Would Jesse Do" tshirts won't get an outing this summer. I have a thing for the better-padded man. In a time of protein shakes, personalised gym programmes and detailed fitness analyses I love that there's room in the game for a batsman like him. <p align="justify">and
He is talented, exciting and great to watch.He is the kind of person of whom you get the impression that he really, really needs to be playing cricket. <p align="justify">
<p align="justify">Oh Jesse, get better soon! We miss you! Even Bumble Lloyd was asking after you in his commentary the other day!
<p align="justify">We could have had such a great summer:
Monopoly board pub crawl"Withnail and I" drinking game "Sideways" drinking gameNight out in Strawberry MoonNight out in Tiger TigerNight out at Infernos and the Clapham GrandIf you'd come early, pre 1 June, we could have gone to that tube party to mourn the ban on drinking on public transportYou could have had free rein of my box file of takeaway menusI have a well-stocked drinks cabinet, including unusual delights such as Kummel and GoldwasserI live within 10 minutes' walk of at least three fried chicken establishments

Jesse, I'll always cut fresh flowers for you
Jesse, I'll always make the wine cold for you
Jesse, I can easily change my mind about you
And put on cologne
And I will wait by the phone for you - Oh Jesse!

www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

What if God was an opener

The West Indies have God on their side.

3 times a day they pray to some sort of Christian god type creature.

Australia pray to know one, and prey on everyone.

So does God, in a Christian in the clouds sort of way, exist?

Based on yesterdays results, no.

Australia, a secular nation, with it’s most religious player out with a non god related injury, smited the Windies.

God, Jesus and Johnny Cash were unable to save them.

The Windies are growing as a cricket team, but they are not fully grown.

These are the things they could spend their prayer time on.

Facing the bowling machine, named Stuart Clark.

Talking to Desmond Haynes about building an innings.

Paint ball.

Listening to the Easy Star All Stars.

Training.

Studying the history of test cricket, and how lucky they are to be allowed to participate in it.

Working out a way to get Roy out.

Watching Night of the Living Dead.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Panesar's progress

Monty Panesar has had an amazing impact as both a player and a personality in his relatively short Test career. With his excellent bowling, his exuberant wicket celebrations and sometimes comical fielding it is little wonder that cricket fans, particularly those who support England, have taken him to their hearts. But how good is Panesar as a Test cricketer?

In my view Panesar is a wonderfully gifted bowler, who has already shown himself to be a match-winner, and who can become great if he continues to learn and improve his game. It is fair to say that his batting and fielding are distinctly average, though he has progressed in these disciplines after being laughably poor at the start of his Test career. How much he can improve in them is a matter of conjecture, though with his spirit and willingness to work there is no reason why he can't make himself a decent fielder and show good resistance in his batting. But it is as a bowler that Panesar shows his cricketing class.

Starting his Test career in India, arguably the hardest of all places for a spinner, Panesar showed good heart and no little skill. He claimed some notable wickets, including that of the legendary Tendulkar. Under the heat and pressure of his first series Panesar fell away towards the end, but showed enough to know that England had a rare talent on their hands.

Panesar followed this up with two excellent series' at home against Sri Lanka and Pakistan, taking 10 and 17 wickets, respectively. This was significant because it showed that Panesar could be a match-winner, that he could bowl well against top players of spin and that he could handle the pressure of his home crowd's expectations.

On a high after these 7 successful Tests at home Panesar had every right to believe he would have a crack at the Australians, as England looked to defend the Ashes in the lion's den. Instead, in one of the most foolish of many foolish moves by the England management on that tour, Panesar was dropped in favour of Ashley Giles. By the time Panesar was recalled England were 2-0 down in the series, having just capitulated at Adelaide, a pitch that Pansesar would have loved to bowl on.

Thrown into the action on a bouncy Perth wicket Panesar bowled brilliantly, claiming 5 for 92 in the first innings. Sadly, this wonderful effort was wasted as England failed to get the big first innings lead they so desperately needed and the match was lost as the Australians obliterated England's bowling in their second innings. Panesar still managed to get 3 wickets in the second innings, despite being targetted by the Australian batsmen. The series was lost and Panesar's efforts, like England's, tailed off in a series that ended in a 5-0 humiliation.

Far from suffering any signs of shell-shock after such a heavy defeat, Panesar bounced back in the next series at home against the West Indies. He took 23 wickets @18.69 in just 4 matches, claiming the player of the series award. It is true to say that the West Indies were a weak Test team, but their batting line-up still included Gayle, Sarwan, Chanderpaul and Bravo, all good Test batsmen. It is also worth remembering that Panesar had only played 13 Tests at the time and would be rightly considered to be still learning his trade. To so dominate an international side was a great achievement for a young bowler. It also showed that Panesar could bowl consistently well through out a series.

After his most successful series Panesar faced the most difficult time of his Test career, when there would be unbelievable calls for him to be dropped. It was at home against a resurgent India that things started to go wrong. In fairness, though, Panesar's problems in that series, which England lost 1-0, were mirrored by most of the other England bowlers. He still managed to claim 8 wickets and only really failed at the Oval, which was a bore draw on a ridiculous batting paradise, where even Kumble was able to score a chanceless century.

The next series was a forbidding trip to Sri Lanka, against a team who thrived on home soil and who had the best bowler in the world in their ranks, the incomparable Muttiah Muralitharan. To compare Panesar to such an all-time great as Murali is unfair in the extreme, but that is what happened in the hype leading up to the start of the series. Clearly the Sri Lankan batsmen had targetted Panesar as England's danger man and they attacked him from the start. Early on, though, Panesar bowled well and took wickets, but as the series wore on he struggled more and more.

Unable to take enough wickets against such wonderful players of spin, Panesar started to fiddle with his game and lost some of his confidence. The Sri Lankans dominated England and Panesar could not make the breakthroughs he would have expected to. His economy rate was still good, but the Sri Lankans batted patiently against him, accumulating winning totals. It was a lesson for Panesar on what was only his third tour, all of which had been to places where England traditionally struggled. He certainly did not disgrace himself, though like in India before his performances tailed away, suggesting that he still needed to work on his stamina to keep bowling long spells in the heat and humidity.

Finally, against a relatively weak New Zealand, Panesar regained his verve and form, taking 11 wickets in generally seam friendly conditions on England's tour. He has followed that up with 9 wickets in two matches in the current home Test series against the Kiwis, including a man of the match winning, Test best 6 for 37 at Old Trafford just two days ago.

Those who were writing Panesar off should note that he has taken 101 Test wickets in just 28 Tests, including the tough tours of India, Australia and Sri Lanka. It is also revealing to compare Panesar's record after 28 Tests to that of Warne and Muralitharan at the same stage in their careers. Warne had by then established himself as a match winner for the dominating Australians, but had still only taken 125 wickets @24.35, much better than Panesar, but still not out of sight. Interestingly, Warne had only had 6 five wicket hauls to Panesar's 8, with both of them having had one 10 wicket haul. Murali, however, had only taken 107 wickets @30.64, with 7 five wicket hauls, a very similar record to Panesar after 28 matches.

Now, I am not going to say that Panesar will go on to be anywhere near as great as these two legends. For a start he is a finger spinner and does not have the mystique that surrounds Murali and Warne, nor the variety of wicket-taking deliveries. What I will say is that Panesar should improve and continue to take a lot of wickets for England. That he is a proven match-winner already and that it would be foolish in the extreme to consider dropping him unless his form dips alarmingly for an extended period of time, not just a handful of matches.

Championship Review - Week 6

[b]Away from the excitement of the Test at Old Trafford, in Division 1, the Champions beat the league leaders while in Division 2, Middlesex and Essex hung on for what could be vital draws. And Ramps is still waiting for his 100th hundred…[/b]

[b]Division 1[/b]
Starting with the leaders, [b]Nottinghamshire [/b]had [b]Sussex [/b]in all sorts of trouble at 74 for 6 until Matt Prior and Robin Martin-Jenkins put on 142 for the 7th wicket, Prior ending up with 131. Notts scored 251 in reply and with Sussex getting 259 in their second innings, Prior again top scoring, Notts needed 286 to win. With Corey Collymore taking four wickets for the second time in the match, Sussex won by 73 runs as Notts made 212. Notts have had a flying start to the season, Sussex have had a poor start to the season. However, there are now just six points between them as the table closes up again.

Ryan McLaren took 5 for 31 as [b]Kent [/b]bowled [b]Somerset [/b]out for just 202. Kent then made 273, with Martin van Jaarsveld hitting 95. A Marcus Trescothick century brought Somerset back into the game, and their score of 335 meant that Kent were chasing 270 to win. Joe Denly hit 149, but the Kent effort finished 20 runs short and Somerset record their first win of the season to move 4th with a game in hand on all of those above them.

Bizarrely, one of the teams above Somerset, [b]Surrey[/b], are still to register a win, although their strong batting line-up means that there are bonus points a-plenty. The game against [b]Yorkshire [/b]was no different as Surrey declared on 466 for 8, with Mark Butcher scoring 205 and Matt Nicholson 133, the pair of them putting on 231 for the 6th wicket. Mark Ramprakash managed just 29 with 14 in the 2nd innings meaning that he remains on 99 centuries. In reply Jacques Rudolph (121) and Andrew Gale (150) also had a stand of over 200 as Yorkshire racked up 525, thanks also to an unbeaten 84 from Tim Bresnan. Losing three wickets before making up the deficit, Surrey were wobbling. However, Yorkshire were a bowler light due to injury to Rana Naved (Yorkshire’s 5th pace bowler to be injured this season along with Gough, Hoggard, Shahzad and Morkel) and an Usman Afzaal century saw Surrey to safety, closing on 299 for 6.

[b]Division 2[/b]
[b]Northamptonshire [/b]batted first at [b]Glamorgan [/b]an scored an impressive 531 for 8 with Niall O’Brien and David Sales both scoring hundreds, Sales getting 173 of just 151 balls. In reply, Jamie Dalrymple offered solid resistance, with 82 off 212 balls, but the Welshmen were bowled out for 278, well short of the follow-on target. They batted even more poorly second time round, making just 154 for Northants to run out winners by an innings and 99 runs.

My pre-season favourites, [b]Middlesex[/b], have started poorly and managed just 297 at [b]Warwickshire[/b], with Darren Maddy picking up four wickets. In reply, the Bears made 438, with Tony Frost top scoring on 90, putting on 152 for the 5th wicket with Ant Botha. Starting their second innings 141 behind, Billy Godleman hit 87 while Eoin Morgan and Shaun Udal had made an unbeaten stand of 117 as Middlesex finished on 335 for 7 and a draw.

The most exciting finish of the week was at Chelmsford where David Masters took 6 for 24 as [b]Leicestershire [/b]made just 159, Paul Nixon and Jacques du Toit putting on 86 of these for the 6th wicket. However, [b]Essex [/b]did little better, Nadeem Malik taking 6 for 46 as they made 164 for a lead of five runs. In a complete turnaround, the Foxes then made 449 second time round, with HD Ackerman getting a ton and Paul Nixon unbeaten on 92, despite Ryan ten Doeschate taking 5-fer. Needing 445 to win, Essex were always struggling but hung on for a draw thanks to a gutsy lower order resistance, mainly from James Foster scoring 88 from 212 balls, but also Masters scoring just 5 from 87 deliveries, and Tony Palladino with 2 from 53 deliveries.

[b]England Player Watch[/b]
[b]Ravi Bopara[/b] followed a golden duck with 87 for Essex as the pressure builds on the out of form Paul Collingwood, while his main contender for the next batting place, [b]Owais Shah [/b]made 36 and 50 for Middlesex. [b]Joe Denly[/b] also started with a golden duck for Kent, but followed it with 149, while [b]Rob Key[/b] got two starts with 48 and 26. However, change at the top of the England batting line-up seems unlikely.

[b]Matt Prior[/b] kept up his stellar start to the season with a century and a fifty in Sussex’s win, and should be in consideration for a specialist batsman’s role as well as putting pressure on Tim Ambrose. Also keeping up the pressure on Ambrose is [b]Chris Read[/b], who scored a fifty for Notts in the same match and [b]James Foster[/b], whose 88 saved Essex from defeat.

Bowling wise, [b]Tim Bresnan[/b] took four wickets on a batsman friendly track, while his good form with the bat continues. However, the more likely next bowlers in line for England, [b]Chris Tremlett [/b]and [b]Graeme Onions [/b]both had the week off.

[b]Player of the week[/b]
Mentions to [b]Mark Butcher [/b]for his double century, [b]David Sales [/b]for his brutal attack on Glamorgan and [b]David Masters [/b]for six wickets and surviving 87 deliveries as Essex saved the game against Leicestershire. However, the player of the week is the second wicket-keeper of the season to win the award. No other Sussex batsman made a fifty, while he got a ton and a fifty as Notts were defeated, the Player of the Week is [b]Matt Prior[/b].

What if God was a an opener

The West Indies have God on their side.

3 times a day they pray to some sort of Christian god type creature.

Australia pray to know one, and prey on everyone.

So does God, in a Christian in the clouds sort of way, exist?

Based on yesterdays results, no.

Australia, a secular nation, with it’s most religious player out with a non god related injury, smited the Windies.

God, Jesus and Johnny Cash were unable to save them.

The Windies are growing as a cricket team, but they are not fully grown.

These are the things they could spend their prayer time on.

Facing the bowling machine, named Stuart Clark.

Talking to Desmond Haynes about building an innings.

Paint ball.

Listening to the Easy Star All Stars.

Training.

Studying the history of test cricket, and how lucky they are to be allowed to participate in it.

Working out a way to get Roy out.

Watching Night of the Living Dead.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

kiwis can't fly, windies neither

The day started with New Zealand in a great position, and the Windies in a good position.

It ended with New Zealand being embarrassed, and the Windies falling apart.

The results were not that surprising.

England had built a platform the night before, Australia was always going to be hard to climb.

But it was the little things that worried me.

New Zealand seemed to have no real intensity all day.

They just simply never looked like winning.

When KP had run himself out, and Bell & Collingwood were faffing about, New Zealand should have been up and firing.

But there was a distinct lack of Australia or South Africa like hunger.

There should have been fire & Brimstone, not marshmellows and milk.

It was almost as if they just decided this wasn’t their day.

When Iain O’Brien dropped a catch that the star of turtles can fly would have caught, he looked like a basket case waiting to happen.

Almost all the Kiwis dropped their heads.

Instead of thinking that they were creating chances, they seemed to think, well we had our shot.

One more wicket and they could have won, but they clearly did not believe that.

New Zealand do not know how to win, they know how to watch the other side fall apart, but that’s where they stop.

They are like a sensitive dude who the ladies all like, and who the ladies all wanna do nasty things with, but the dude doesn’t know it and he just sits in the corner with a woe is me look on his face.

The Windies had other problems, their top order only has two stars.

One went out playing across the line, one went out with a soft push back to the bowler.

Shit happens however.

The problem was that no one, Chrab included wanted to fight.

They started positively, but once Sarwan went out, and Clark was in his swing, they clearly did not want to put in the hard work.

And that it didn’t hurt the Windies enough to lose.

Sarwan and Bravo were laughing and clowning around as their team was 6 for not many.

That is not good enough.

There is a reason Australia has been a great side, they hate to lose.

Really really hate it.

Ponting was in a foul mood all the way through the 2005 ashes.

Border was in a shit mood all the way through the 80’s.

And Steve Waugh is still angry because he lost a game of go fish against his brother in ’74.

Sarwan did not look like a test captain who was about to lose a test match, he looked like a dude who was talking about what his missus does when shes drunk.

The Windies are like the well dressed dude that the ladies gravitate to. But instead of putting in the hard work, buying the drinks, doing the dancing, and listening to their stories, he retires back to his mates and says things like, did you see her tits.

Fail.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

New Zealand let me down

There will be a full review of the New Zealand/Windies debacle.

But for now, you can look at the blogging tipping contest, where New Zealand and Jamie How burnt me bad.

Once thing I am an expert on is Prince Brendan's strike rate.www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

OBO of West Indies chase

Please refresh page every 5 minutes for my brilliant early morning insights on this chase.

Feel free to comment and such.

Clark is tormenting the Windies, my man Tupac Morton is trying his best to get an edge.

King Cricket are talking about our Roy being a terrible batsman in a crisis.

Read here.

Devon Smith just left a ball pitched on middle, straightning, at a lovely stump hitting height. But he did use his pad as a defense, the umpire wasn't fooled they. LBW to Clark. Seriously, if i may, that was really really really really shit batting. Windies imploding.

Lee is not looking quite as ominous as Clark. Smith played an odd leg glance in that over, but got 4 from it.

Already the pitch looks a little more dangerous, cricket is a psychological exam, today New Zealand failed.

Windies started well, looked all free flowing and shit, but nothing like losing your captain to fuck that up. Two maidens since then.

Sarwan is out, courtesy of a weird bunting effort from Roy at Cover. Clark had worked Sarwan over beautifully. If your kid is a medium pacer with limited talent you should show them lots of tapes of Staurt Clark.

I have just decided at 12:47 in the AM, that i will provide you with a OBO of the Windies chase.www.cricketwithballs.com

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new zealand, pull your pants off

England are currently de-pansting New Zealand.

This is ugly.

Blame the Heavy roller.

Blame Al Gore.

Blame the fact New Zealand weren’t the underdogs.

Or you could look at England’s run rate.

Over 3 an over.

Interesting.

It’s almost as if they came out and tried to win the test.

KP hit a six.

Delightful.

Strauss is batting at a strike rate of over 50.

Exquisite.

England are playing positive cricket, they had to.

The Kiwis look shot, their collapses seem to have taught the English top order how to handle this wicket.

I do not argue that in certain circumstances defensive cricket is needed in test matches.

But the best defense is a good arson.

England should win this test, even though the wing commander Strauss just went out.

If England were to play in this fashion more often, they would be a pretty good cricket side.

BUT, they could win a lot of tests if they retained this positive attitude.

Like they did around 2005.

Ofcourse, they could still lose.

Which would make for great viewing, and the suicides of many English batsman.

Onto to Sabina Park for the fans of the Underdogs.www.cricketwithballs.com

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the promise of breakfast

The England need motivation to win a test.

The Windies need divine intervention.

So I thought I’d do my bit to help.

Which ever team manages to chase down their total with the fewest wickets down, gets a bacon and egg extravaganza cooked by yours truly.

The cooking shall be done in the nude.

This is motivation for England, as they love bacon and eggs.

And Divine intervention for the Windies, as I am divine.

Clearly.

Even with my help this is going to be hard for the two countries.

The pitch at Old Trafford is so spicy Monty looked like Bishen Bedi.

The pitch at Sabina Park is starting to resemble Melbourne.

Both sides have lost an opener.

Both sides have two key batsmen to dismiss, and then it’s a bit of a crap shoot.

On the England’s side is the fact that New Zealand are favourites.

On the West Indies’ side is that Stuart MacGill has bowled them to a record chase before.

Against the England is they struggle against Vettori when he doesn’t spin it.

Against the Windies is that Simon Katich picked up 6 wickets last week.

Will England try to win?

Will the Kiwis crumble?

Will Australia implode?

Will the Chrab remember any of it?www.cricketwithballs.com

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Veruca Sidebottom, or Sidebottom the stroppy

I haven’t seen a lot of him bowl.

I saw him in Sri Lanka, New Zealand and now in this series.

But I don’t remember him being a stroppy cow like he is now.

I am pretty sure he said to Mills “I want an oompa loompa now daddy”.

The stroppiness has reached Nel like levels.

But Nel is funny.

Ryan is not.

For a man with a severe waddle to the wicket, he seems overly confident.

I know he won the series in New Zealand, but, wickets don’t allow you stroppiness, nothing allows you stroppiness.

Worst examples of Ryan’s new found stroppiness.

His treatment of English fielders. Ryan they are not your biaches, they are people too.

His faux throwing back at the batsman. It’s uncoordinated, and you don’t pick up the ball half the time.

His head head whips, which look flat out ridiculous.

His spitting in anger, he looks like a snake trying to eat a dodo egg.

Sidebottom was a chane to be a working class hero.

The cover band drummer hair do.

The ample caboose.

The waddle to the wicket.

The wickets.

But now he could be alienating the very people who want to make him a cult hero.

I know Allan Donald told you to be aggressive Ryan, but you look like a cock when you do it.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Hear My Prayer, O Rain Gods

Dearest Rain Gods

You treated me well today (Sunday). It rained and RAINED this morning, so that we didn't have to do a Corpus Christi day procession outside through the streets. Thank you, sincerely. Then this afternoon the skies cleared and you gave us beautiful weather for the party I went to.
Now I have one more favour to ask.
Please please PLEASE could there be no rain, snow, bad light, sleet, drizzle, mizzle, or snow tomorrow in Manchester or Jamaica.
For the avoidance of doubt, Rain Gods, I mean MONDAY in the UK, NOT Tuesday. Don't get confused by the Aussie timings on this site.

I know that it's a Bank Holiday in the UK and that therefore rain is practically compulsory, but please try to contain yourselves, just this once.
You see, there are two very exciting run chases happening, and it would break my heart if either match were to be ruined by your capricious will.
England need 218 more runs to win, although they have Tuesday too so I don't mind a little bit of rain if it's all part of your masterplan to provide an exciting finale to what has already been a brilliantly twisty-turny test match.

England looked down and out, you see, but then the Kiwis imploded in a very, well, English manner, leaving the match Intriguingly Poised.
The West Indies, though, only have tomorrow in which to get 241 runs to beat the mighty Australia. Australia, Rain Gods! The Windies bowled them out for 167!

So it comes down to 241 runs, or 9 wickets, in one day. It's practically the definition of Intriguingly Poised!
That is all, Rain Gods, that is all I ask. www.cricketwithballs.com

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Are Australia, Australia?

What do we know about Australia for the last ten years?

Arrogant.

Organised.

Clever.

Brutal.

Hungry.

Champions.

What do we know about the new Australia?

Careful.

Professional.

Fragile.

Nervous.

Defensive.

Talented.

Australia had a run rate of 1.7 when they lost 4 wickets to the Windies.

Think about how many times you’ve seen Australia bat that slow.

Australia has used a night watch man twice in this game.

How many times did Australia use a nightwatchman under Steve Waugh?

Australia has one champion batsman in their team.

The 80’s were the last time that happened.

Australia has a make shift opener.

Justin Langer was a make shift opener, that worked out ok, but Katich doesn’t look like doing the same.

Australia have no champion bowlers.

Wait let me check.

No, none.

Brett Lee’s average is 29, no ten wicket hauls (yet).

Clark has come into a good team and performed well, no ten wicket hauls.

MacGill is better than average, and a great wicket taker, but lets the pressure off too easily, 2 ten wicket hauls.

Johnson is still not good with a red ball, never taken more than 6 wickets in a match.

They are still the best side in the world.

But, only because no one else is good enough.

India, Sri Lanka and South Africa, all have glaring holes in their line ups, which at this stage is all that is keeping Australia on top.

Australia smashed Sri Lanka.

Australia were 2 nil up against India.

And South Africa has their chance after Australia visit India.

This current line up is probably not the worst side they have had in the last 10 years, but it's close, and it has less match winners than any side since '92.

Ponting wanted to stamp his mark on this side, finally he is, because he has a whole new side.

They are cautious, professional, well researched, fiery, but they are not as good as they were.

The list of players they are missing from 3 years ago is huge.

G McGrath, statistically the best fast bowler in Australian history.

S Warne, arguably the best spinner ever.

A Gilchrist, best batting keeper ever.

J Gillespie, steady as a train fast bowling bagman.

D Martyn, one time unbeatable number 4.

J Langer, the punchy opening batsman.

And M Hayden, the bullying Christian warrior, who is temporarily out of action.

Ponting is going to be tested this series.

Australia might still win 3 zip, but he will have to keep improving as a captain.

Questions continue to be asked, and Australia keeps passing, but the marks are getting lower and lower.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Foreplay, no middle order and a good Broad

Ross Taylor managed to make 154 off 176 deliveries on this pitch.

Strauss followed on from Taylor’s innings by facing 36 less balls, and making 94 less runs.

Shocking.

MP Vaughn faced 7 less balls than Strauss and made half the runs.

Appallingly horribly frustratingly completely shithouse.

England faced 7 less overs than NZ, for a mere 180 less runs.

The entire English top order, fumbles Ambrose included, should be forced to watch their innings for 3 days on end.

I will get the match sticks.

Then, and only then, will they know the pain.

If England lose this test, and you would assume it’s on the cards, they have their top order to blame.

Stuart Broad out batted his whole top order, with intent, if not statistically.

He did this weird thing called batting.

Not prodding.

Not defending.

Not bunting.

But batting.

Making runs, changing the strike, attacking, and generally batting like the English top order do in their wet dreams.

England can blame the pitch, they can blame global warming, they can blame Richard Kelly’s Southland tales, but it comes down to endeavour.

New Zealand has it.

England has yet to find it.

I have heaps more to write, but I’d rather watch Taylor bat.

No I have more to say.

KP, out to the softest prod this side of Matthew hoggard.

Bell, just wafted outside like he was on the take.

Collingwood, was clearly trying to go out his hole time at the crease.

And Ambrose, managed to get an edge to a ball that a half step forward was a half volley.

Ok that's it.

I can't write about this any more, it's getting me angry.

And I'm not English.www.cricketwithballs.com

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What to do from here?

How many times have we said that recently? The first 5-0 Ashes defeat for over 80 years? Failing to win a live game against a major Test-playing nation at the World Cup? Losing at home to India? Getting bowled out for 81 in Sri Lanka? Being timidity personified in Hamilton against an admirable but not overly threatening attack, against whom England batted for 173 overs, but scored at a soporofic two-an-over, and then subsiding pathetically in the second innings for 110? Coming on the back of New Zealand being decimated by the IPl and ICL, to whom they essentialy lost half their side including their most valuable player, Shane Bond, that would take some beating.

And yet Engaland have managed it. Scrapping over the follow-on target against the Kiwis at Old Trafford was just about as depressing as it comes. Dan Vettori has bowled with mesmerising guile (much better in fact, than he bowled in New Zealand), while Ian O'Brien has been fantastic. But England have been diffident and pathetic, showing no inclination to hit bowlers off their rhythm, allowing themselves to be trapped in their crease meekly, barely able to hit a run and just wait for their inevitable dismissals. If New Zealand have been fantastic, it is in large part because they have been allowed to be.

With the ball, England were far too loose, once more unable to exploit fairly helpful conditions. The bowlers seem incapable of thinking on their feet. While Ross Taylor played a phenomenal innings, testament to his rare talent, England totally lacked discipline or skill. James Anderson is far too erratic for Test cricket, and must immediately be dispensed with. Monty Panesar's downward curve continues; he is symptomatic of England's struggles when the opposition do something unexpected.

A damning indictement of this side is they have not learned from their feebleness in Hamilton, and have repeated all the same mistakes. The batting was abject once more. It is an oft-quoted statistic that all the top six average over 40, but those averages have been in decline for some time. Furthermore, the averages are boosted both by feasting on minnows and today's generally easier batting conditions. 40 is clearly no longer the mark of a top-class Test batsman. The batting lineup seems fundamentally flawed, and rejigging the pack cannot disguise it. Men of skill and desire, such as Owais Shah and Rob Key (and, given the desperation of the situation and the need to win the next game, rather than plan for some mythical date in the future, perhaps even Mark Ramprakash or his captain Mark Butcher, enjoying the purplest of patches), should be brought in, not just for the quality they possess but for the message it would send. The decision to drop Andrew Strauss and simultaneously hand him a new central contract was a half-hearted signal at best; and he got back in without making a run.

The skipper led by example, eeking out an agonising 133-ball 30. He often talks of helping his players "express themselves"; yet he himself was patently incapable of doing that. Ian Bell's innings surprised no one - a painstaking start followed by a somewhat half-hearted waft outside offstump. Paul Collingwood, for the second consecutive innings, looked out of his depth. He maximises his talent, certainly, but is painfully out-of-form - he has not passed 6 in six innings this season - and, ultimately, is simply perhaps not good enough at Test level. The most depressing innings, however, was played by England's best batsman.

Kevin Pietersen has gradually gone from being a maverick, and a genius capable of decimating the bowling with his idiosyncratic brand of fearlessnes, into a man seemingly lacking faith in his own ability. The transformation was inevitable in some respects (as I have discussed before), and is not without its benefits. Maturity has brought some positive aspects, of course, but it is grim watching the contrast between him and Taylor, surely no more talented, on the same pitch in the same match.

This is, at last in part, an indictement of the England set-up. Are players so well-rewarded, that they are so desperate to cling onto their places that they are paralysed by fear? The culture appears to gradually suck the individuality out of players; they are spoon-fed by legions of support staff, and subsequently have lost the ability to think for themselves. This extends even to the captain and coach, who refrain from indulging in horses-for-courses of any sort - the merits of which were reaffirmed by O'Brien's sterling endeavours here. The stability of central contracts has clearly gone way too far: it appears easier to get into the side than out of it. What to do? Sack the lot of 'em? England need a shakeup of sorts, even if it has the whiff of '90s short-termism about it.

4/17 and shiv's headache

Mitchell Johnson is the allrounder Australia has always wanted, bowling 140 clicks and batting at number 5 or 6.

Simon Katich is the opener no one ever wanted.

Phabulous Phil Jacques does not like to go out to bat without Hayden.

Ponting and Hussey are sick and tired of opening the batting.

Lord Megachief of gold, also known as Shivnarine Chandrepaul, got so tired lifting his team, he had a nap during a not so short ball from Lee and almost joined Daniel Flynn.

Runako went for one too many.

Put all that in a bowl and what do you get?

A test Australia should still win, but it’s intriguingly poised as you might say.

Plusses for Australia

Can’t fail at the top of the order again this match.

Windies couldn’t get Roy out in the first innings.

Australia are already 136 in front with 6 in hand.

Haddin will be out to finish off Ronchi speculation.

Hodge is used to batting in a side where the top order fails.

Lee & Clark are not going to be easy to get past.

Plusses for Windies

Chandrepaul is still alive.

4/17 is not a bad place to have any side.

Young players like playing with momentum.

Johnson and MacGill are letting a lot of pressure off.

Could be interesting, or Australia could win by 200 hundred runs.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Is short bowling the new black

In the last 2 days I have seen batsman worked over.

Somehow I missed Daniel Flynn and his teeth defence.

But I did see Runako Morton and Jacob Oram have to play long spells from their throats.

And isn’t it good to see.

Morton and Oram dispatch anything full, they are brutal with full balls.

But drop the ball in short, aim at their throats, and they turn into little bunny rabbits.

England don’t have any out and out quicks, but that didn’t stop their male models and the cover band drummer attacking Oram repeatedly.

And boy did he look dodgy.

You would hardly believe he was the same man who smoted the Poms a week earlier.

He is not the first tall batsman to look dodgy against the short stuff, but it's nice to knwo he is human.

Runako smokes balls that are full, when he hits them, but with Brett Lee working him over, his elbow looked to get more work than his bat.

It seems odd to see a West Indian batsman get worked over by the short ball so well.

They only reason he didn't go out to it was dumb luck.

The way both of these boys played the short ball, they both better get used to facing it.

And I can't wait to see it.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Australia and West Indies show why Tests are best

For those of us for whom England's 12th consecutive match against New Zealand is a less-than-enthralling prospect, West Indies' Test with Australia has captivated and reaffirmed what we already knew: Twenty20 may come and go but Test cricket remains the pinnacle.

Three days in, the game has showcased cricket at its very best. A majestic century from Ricky Ponting in tricky circumstances, followed by a fine half-century from Brad Hodge, benefiting from a series of ill-fortune to earn a surprise recall. The West Indies then rallied commendably. Australia's bowlers struggled, but were bailed out by Stuart Clark. Exhibiting the virtues of line, length, a touch of seam and the most phlegmatic of temperaments, Clark showed why he has enjoyed such a phenomenal start to his Test career.

West Indies then fought back, before Brett Lee and Mitchell Johnson, having previously suffered from no-ball problems, responded superbly, in a way the shorter forms of the game allows ample time. Lee then hit Shivnarine Chanderpaul on the helmet. The West Indies feared he would go off. Chanderpaul remained resolute, exploding into life and reaching a majestic century. His performances over the last 12 months have been little sort of astounding; his idiosyncratic technique and unrivalled concentration making bowlers the world over thankful for the brittleness of his team-mates. In his last 16 innings, he has passed 50 on 11 occasions, with four centuries and many others denied by being undefeated or resorting to slogging when left stranded, as so often, with the tail. Despite his brilliance, an Australian lead of 119 seemingly made comfortable victory inevitable.

How can a game played over five days change so much in so little a timespan? How indeed. The West Indians were simply lethal on the third evening: Fidel Edwards and Daren Powell were outstanding, hostile and able to swing the ball late - with devastating results. The sight of Michael Hussey's stumps being decimated as Australia slipped to 12/4 was testament to the capacity of this game to produce sport at its most riveting and astounding. Twenty runs off an over simply does not come close to matching the simmering of tension; the personal, sometimes gladitorial, duels; and an even contest between bat and ball.

As the cricketing world threatens to lose all sanity in its approach to Twenty20, a worthy and sometimes captivating game but one that risks saturation, Test cricket has been done sterling service by this match just when many appeared willing to forget its merits. And if Test cricket is to enjoy a resurgence, wouldn't it help if these shoots of a West Indies revival grew into something more substantial?

The history book on the shelf is always repeating itself

So.

2006, Sri Lanka come to England and are deeply unfancied. They hang on for a draw in the first Test, with randoms such as Kulasekara contributing to one of the best rearguards I can remember. They go on to draw the test series, and then proceed to spank England so comprehensively in the one-dayers that some players never properly recovered (Alex "Doosra" Loudon, I'm looking in your direction).
2007, India come to England. They hang on for a draw in the first Test, with MS Dhoni of all people digging in at the close, go on to win the Test series, and take England to the wire in the one-dayers.
2008, the Kiwis. The English weather plus England's limpness contribute to a draw in the first test. The second test, the Kiwis put on 381 in their first innings.
Surely not again?

This series may actually turn out to be very interesting, people. Things of note that have happened today: Ross Taylor scored a rather gorgeous 154 not out. The dude gives pretty good interview too, I thought. England were Not Very Good in the field, to the extent that when Ian Bell took the last catch he threw the ball into the ground in disgust, I like to think at himself.Sidebottom can feel rather hard done by (again - and just when he thought he might get better support, with Matt Prior having been dropped). The lowlight was probably Stuart Broad fumbling a catch by not being far out enough at the boundary, and somehow (despite having several grasps of it) spooning it over for a six. Ryan was then sent in as nightwatchman, and provided further evidence for the "Nightwatchman Is So Last Season" theory by lasting seven balls. According to Athers, Jacob "Perfect Boyfriend" Oram is the most economical bowler in world cricket at the moment.A large inflatable jelly bean drifted onto the pitch and Jeetan Patel made a complete hash of collecting it. In case you were marvelling at Jeetan Patel being on the field of play at all, and have also happened to have missed all cricket news for the last 24 hours - he is substitute fielder for poor little Daniel Flynn who took an absolute ripper straight in the mouth from James Anderson yesterday, losing blood, teeth and dignity and having to retire hurt. He was unable to bat again today. No, I didn't realise the English bowlers were so potent either. <p align="justify">At close of play on day two The England were on 152 - 4, and Kevin Pietersen is lucky not to have been out already after what looked like a pretty stone-cold lbw shout from Thinking Woman's Crumpet Daniel Vettori. I'll be doing my best to watch tomorrow, around other activities, so stay tuned.

www.cricketwithballs.com

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Runako, pass the clip

I have been a fan of Runako Morton’s batting style since the first time I saw his back lift.

When I watch him bat, I am waiting for one shot, and one shot only.

The bottom hand drive.

Runako plays the drive like it’s his last chance at freedom.

It’s like he is trying to get the man’s foot outta his ass.

Although it may just be that his helmet is over his eyes and he is swinging and hoping.

But it’s entertaining either way.

Every drive he plays is like an outta control slog, even if the ball is a half volley and he hits it on the ground.

In test cricket, one shouldn’t be able to survive with such a technique, but let us sit and enjoy it while it’s working.

Occasionally.

The good thing about his technique is that if he breaks his left hand it won’t matter, as it seems to be of no real use to him anyway.

And since he shares his middle name with another, I’ll let the other explain Runako.

Gots to be the first one to hit ya when we meet

Comin quickly up the streets, is the punk ass police

The first one jumped out and said, "Freeze!"

I popped him in his knees and shot him, punk.. please..

Cause cops should mind they business, when we rush

Now you're pleadin like a bitch, cause you don't know how to.. hush..
Exactly.www.cricketwithballs.com

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mark butcher emails me

He really does.

Read here for full Butcher related email news.www.cricketwithballs.com

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built like adonis, tastes like sugar and food colouring

Freddy Flintoff, built like a rugby player, bowls like a superstar, bats like a rugby player.

Matthew Hayden, built like a Frank Miller character, bats like a Frank Miller anti hero.

Shane Watson, built like a Calvin Klein model, plays like a Calvin Klein model.

Jacob Oram, built like the perfect boyfriend, bats like an axeman, bowls like a ballerina.

What do all these players have in common, other than they are the male equivalent of amazonian women.

That's right my intelligent regular reader, they are all jelly bean players.

A jelly bean player is built like tarzan, and plays like Shane (Watson).

The ohysio know their moles by touch.

Ice baths are how they relax.

And they some times have relapses from injury.

They are too athletic, too muscular, and too fit to play International cricket.

Cricket is the place for the over weight.

The dreadfully skinny.

The normal sized, with large behinds.

These are the ideal sizes for cricketers.

Someone fit, strong and healthy, is just testing fate by playing cricket.

All these players have had a terrible recent run with injuries, because they are not made for this world.

Freddy should be a pack scrum forward 5/8th type guy.

Hayden should be clubbing seals in Alaska.

Shane should be stripping naked for photo shoots, more often.

And Oram should take his rightful place as the thinking woman's Fabio.

Cricket is tough on fit men.

(big thanks to Mel for the picture)www.cricketwithballs.com

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Still haven't found what you're looking for?

Some of you don't seem to understand Google.
You are supposed to put in search terms that you think might be in the source text that you are looking for.
You are NOT meant to ask questions, unless you are looking on the internet for an instance of that question being asked. (Sigh).
However, as I am so good, kind and generous, I have - yes that's right! - taken it upon myself to use the correct conduit for your questions, AQA (who should really be paying me for my constant, relentless promotion of them on this site or at the very least sending me some kind of pretty gift), to find your answers.So:

[b]Q: Where can I get glasses like brendon mccullum [/b][b]
[/b]A: " 'Leader Boston ' glasses are similar to Brendan McCullum's and cost £32.50 from www.gosportsspex.co.uk . However, they do not have prescription lenses."
Note how AQA subtlely but firmly corrects the misspelling of "Brendan". A researcher after my own heart, I think.

[b]
Q: what wristband is stuart broad wearing[/b]
A: "Sorry, AQA can't find what wristband Stuart Broad is wearing. Stuart was born on 24 June 1986 in Nottingham. He is 6 feet and 5 inches tall."
O noes! AQA!

[b]
Q: how to pronounce pomersbach[/b]
A: "The surname Pomersbach is pronounced "pommers bash". It looks as though you'd pronounce the "bach" bit as the composer's name, but apparently not."
I conspicuously avoid making a "pommy bash" joke. The Jrod didn't, so in return I confirm for the Aussies that the composer "Bach" is basically pronounced "bark".

[b]
Q: suggest a good name for my new cricket team [/b][b]
[/b]A: A good name for your new cricket team could be "The Wicket Takers", "The Century Runners", "The Willow Whackers" or the "Village Green Gang".
They're not brilliantly imaginative, but any of these are better than "Mumbai Indians".

[b]Q: why did people become bushrangers[/b]
A: "a "bushranger" is defined as "a person living far from civilisation". In the historical sense, it refers to an outlaw living in the bush. "
Far from civilisation? Harsh on Melbourne, very harsh.

Yes, I am aware that people who now google these phrases are going to end up at this post, which I believe is what they call "meta".

Oh, and for the person who googled "crazy women females girls for Daniel Vettori" - yes, you've come to the right place. www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

Some of you don't seem to underst...

Some of you don't seem to understand Google.
You are supposed to put in search terms that you think might be in the source text that you are looking for.
You are NOT meant to ask questions, unless you are looking on the internet for an instance of that question being asked. (Sigh).
However, as I am so good, kind and generous, I have - yes that's right! - taken it upon myself to use the correct conduit for your questions, AQA (who should really be paying me for my constant, relentless promotion of them on this site or at the very least sending me some kind of pretty gift), to find your answers.So:

[b]Q: Where can I get glasses like brendon mccullum [/b][b]
[/b]A: " 'Leader Boston ' glasses are similar to Brendan McCullum's and cost £32.50 from www.gosportsspex.co.uk . However, they do not have prescription lenses."
Note how AQA subtlely but firmly corrects the misspelling of "Brendan". A researcher after my own heart, I think.

[b]
Q: what wristband is stuart broad wearing[/b]
A: "Sorry, AQA can't find what wristband Stuart Broad is wearing. Stuart was born on 24 June 1986 in Nottingham. He is 6 feet and 5 inches tall."
O noes! AQA!

[b]
Q: how to pronounce pomersbach[/b]
A: "The surname Pomersbach is pronounced "pommers bash". It looks as though you'd pronounce the "bach" bit as the composer's name, but apparently not."
I conspicuously avoid making a "pommy bash" joke. The Jrod didn't, so in return I confirm for the Aussies that the composer "Bach" is basically pronounced "bark".

[b]
Q: suggest a good name for my new cricket team [/b][b]
[/b]A: A good name for your new cricket team could be "The Wicket Takers", "The Century Runners", "The Willow Whackers" or the "Village Green Gang".
They're not brilliantly imaginative, but any of these are better than "Mumbai Indians".

[b]Q: why did people become bushrangers[/b]
A: "a "bushranger" is defined as "a person living far from civilisation". In the historical sense, it refers to an outlaw living in the bush. "
Far from civilisation? Harsh on Melbourne, very harsh.

Yes, I am aware that people who now google these phrases are going to end up at this post, which I believe is what they call "meta".

Oh, and for the person who googled "crazy women females girls for Daniel Vettori" - yes, you've come to the right place. www.cricketwithballs.com

Now with new proper english lady blogger.

When a hundred means you’ve failed

Disclaimer: If you're a Surrey fan, you may want to switch off now.

Mark Ramprakash played 52 tests.

The same as Don Bradman.

Bradman just pipped him in the number of centuries made.

By 27.

Ramprakash made 2 in 52 tests at an average of 27.

For younger readers, this may be confusing, as surely a team as well oiled and professional as England wouldn’t allow a man to dance his way to such a bad record.

But they did.

The thing is everyone knows Ramps can bat, especially Ramps.

One hundred came against Warne, Lee, Dizzy and McGrath (flat pitch not withstanding).

The other against Ambrose, Walsh, Bishop and the great Nixon McClean.

Now he has been stuck on 99 first class hundreds for the last few weeks, English county fans are on the edge of their cups of tea in anticipation.

I have always thought making 100 first class hundreds is a failure.

There have been players like Grace and Gooch who did it while being very good test players.

The last man to do it was Graeme Hick, the man that Merv Hughes ruined, who batted at test level like an undecided lemming.

Had Ramps and Hick had 12 year test careers, like they both had the talent to, they would never had reached 100 first class hundreds mountain top.

Who among us would rather make be a statistical anomaly, than a fixture of their countries middle order?

When Ramps reaches this milestone, there will be a lot of head nodding, back slapping and praise for this dancing man.

But for some of us, we will see this as his ultimate failure.

Ofcourse his wife may think he's had bigger failures.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Jaggernauth rolls on (murdochesque pun)

Amit Jaggernauth can bowl off spin.

To say he is 12,000 times more talented than Rawl Lewis, is unfair, and probably true.

He bowls off spin the way it used to be bowled, with flight, and a straightish arm.

He owns a doosra, which is pretty cool.

I wish I had one, I'd keep it in a jar.

Plus he has a name made for newspapers, and more importantly, blogs.

His first class record is better than any of his younger Windian peers.

And last but not least, he does spin the ball.

Being that West Indians don't want a spinner in their side, he may not last.

But he reminds me off Pat Symcox or Tim May in the way he attacks with big loopy off spinners, rather than darts.

If he was a basketball player they'd say, the boy has serious ups.

If he was a jazz musician they'd say look how high he is.

If he was a bird, he could fly away, like a bird.

King Probot M Hussey was struggling with him for a while, before he edged one to a skipping Dwayne Bravo at slip.

They have already told him to be patient, and at times he got picked off bowling the quicker ones, but I like him.

By the end of this tour he may end up in the players we like section.

Which, as all international players know, is the pinnacle of world cricket.

I will be watching him, and his potential Ben Affleck bouffant, quite closely in this series.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Ricky likes modern Russain cinema

Australia rode Ricky Ponting to 4/293.

The man with a hundred frowns was back to his old self, now fully comfortable with someone else’s hair surgically attached to his head.

King Probot Michael Hussey had a few glitches, but got himself a statistically fulfilling half century.

Brad Hodge, the Victorian cockroach, made another 50, and I’m sure after play you couldn’t take the “I told ya so” grin off his face.

Then the captain, who lead so well with the bat, had a brain fade and allowed a number 6 batsman to have a night watchman at 4 for 300.

Sorry Roy, but if you’re scared of the second new ball, then you shouldn’t be batting in the top six in this side.

I was brought up in cricket sides that just didn’t believe in nightwatchmen.

I have always thought of them as something for County professionals to protect their averages, and for jittery top orders at the close of play.

Under Steve Waugh the nightwatchman system was terminated.

It showed weakness, and Steve didn’t do weakness.

Under Ricky it has been reinstated, I always suspected at the urging of Damien Martyn.

Martyn would have got Ponting in the corner of the change room and whispered sweet nothings about how much better it would be if Dizzy Gillespie faced all those pesky later afternoon deliveries.

It’s a defensive move on a day when Australia was in complete control.

Unnecessary and beige.

For those who are interested the only night watch I like is Nochnoy Dozor.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Windies - Australia: reasons to be cheerful

People, do I detect insufficient excitement about the Windies - Aus test series?
You moaned and moaned and MOANED about the IPL, now you're soon going to be spoilt for choice for tests (making it possible in England to watch test cricket on TV for 12 hours a day, and damnit that's how I'm going to spend my weekend) and yet all I see is unhappiness. Don't say you're only interested in the Ashes?! You're worse than The English!
Here is my first XI of reasons to tune into this test series.
1. There is no Hayden, at the moment. Now that's got to be worth something.
2. No Hogg. Come on, people, you can now live a life without fear of turning on your TV and seeing his tongue.
3. The Windies have such great names, they are a headline-writer's dreams. I look forward to seeing at least some if not all of the following:Jaggernauth drives/motors through AustraliaDJ Sammy is boy of summer, finds it hard to believe he's in heavenParchment rewrites record booksFidel imposes autocratic rule on the AussiesThe batsman's Ramdin, the bowler's [o noes, the analogy falls short. Maybe Bollinger. That joke worked best with Sidebottom]. <p align="justify">4. There's some rather good bling on display, in particular Dwayne Bravo, who has a necklace chunkier than any jewellery I own and I have some serious jewellery.
<p align="justify">5. Cricket-wise, there's something for everyone: Ricky Ponting appears to have found his mojo, King Probot needs to adjust his settings because he's currently stuck on slow-and-scratchy, there's a young spinner (Jaggernauth) on debut, and a less young spinner (MacGill) on the very opposite of a debut.
<p align="justify">6. Still on the cricket - a nightwatchman? for Australia? What the? If this has happened, what the hell else might happen?
<p align="justify">7. There are some so-shameless-they're-great adverts for coffee estates.
<p align="justify">8. The commentators are saying things such as this: "There's no such thing as half a chance. It's like being half pregnant".
<p align="justify">9. You can compare the respective hair jobs of Bollinger and Ponting.

<p align="justify">10. There's a man in the crowd who's upper body is covered with paint only, like Tendulkar's superfan, except it appears to be the Windies one-day shirt, portrayed in the medium of body paint. I'm hoping he'll be back every day - he's one helluva dancer.
<p align="justify">11. It's in the Caribbean, so you have a pretext for a Caribbean-themed party. I had one for the World Cup last year. Rice and beans, lager, jerk chicken, Mount Gay Barbados Rum. BUT! It's Australia, so you can barbecue the jerk chicken.

www.cricketwithballs.com

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Australia in the Windies - first session report

Australia win the toss.

Ponting talks about all the players that are missing, which is so many they almost miss the start of the game.

Katich and Jacques come out, Katich looks like a 12 year old whose mum has tucked him in whilst rushing out the door.

Katich takes strike, which is odd since he doesn’t usually open.

He nicks the first nut from Fidel Edwards, but painfully it doesn’t reach the keeper, first ball not reaching the keeper, nice start.

For the first 4 overs, the ball seems to spend a bit too much time resting at the rope.

Then Katich Krabs in front of the stumps, and then wafts at the ball outside off giving Edwards a wicket via a top catch by Katich.

Was pretty ordinary by Katich, I know I bag him a lot, but I bag him when he bats like the Krab, this was more a Darren Lehmann stroke when he is on 45, not a make shift opener in the 5th over.

It’s early, and Ponting already looks like Ponting again, he is thrusting his pad at the ball like a 7 year old girl imitating a bull fighter, and slapping wide balls around.

Edwards is onnnnnnnn fire.

Traps Jacques with the plum one.

If Australia weren’t batting at near 6 an over, the Windies would be slaughtering them.

King Probot came in went about accumulation as usual, but he quickly found out that Edwards was onnnnnnnn fire, and reprogrammed himself to survival mode.

An hour in there has already been about 5 grubbers, could be an interesting test if this keeps up.

Darren Powell did some excellent Simon Jones work in almost stopping a quick single, but he managed to fight back from adversary, I think it was an excuse for missing the ball.

Ponting seems to be mining his way through the grubbers, and has some sort of form back, he is still a bit scratchy, but still much better to watch than Vaughn.

Remember when watching a test from the Windies looked like someone had filmed it on a handy cam, it had a certain romantic quality to it, now its clear and perfect, and I don’t like it so much.

Hussey’s strike rate is at English levels.

At the other end Ponting is rolling along.

Just saw that the man with the million dollar back lift and gangsta middle name Runako Morton is playing, I love watching that guy.

Alright I’m going to bed, I’m very glad Ricky has found his mojo, but King Probot can’t hit the ball of the square and its 243 in the AM.

Night.

Written but not edited.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Luke Pomersbach, a Punjabi king

Luke Pomersbach (pronounced Pom-ers-bash, or pommy bash) is a western warrior with a penchant for late night alcoholic fuelled shenanigans.

My kind of cricketer.

According to Rodney Hogg, he is an out and out slogger.

I prefer to think he bats like Hank Chinaski would in heaven.

Luke can play.

Often people who see him in 2020 mode get the feeling he is a slogger.

This is not the truth, he is a big hitter, but he does have a technique, it’s commercially effective, and industrially designed, but it’s a technique.

In 2020, he does get a bit loud and punchy, but in real cricket, he plays some of the best drives you will ever see, and off his pads he is poisonous.

Until his sanctioned early year drunken break, he was leading the Australian first class run tally, and he didn’t do it with slogs.

His first class average is a lazy 52 from his 12 games, but in that time he has already filled in for Australia and has impressed Tom Moody enough to get a dance in Bollywood cricket.

He hits the ball hard, real hard, and occasionally, the he hits the bottle just as hard, but that doesn’t mean he can’t bat.

At first look he looks a little larger than the modern cricket athlete, to me that's just another reason to like him.

So far for the Punjab’s he has had limited opportunities, but he is still making his mark.

I think he could be the next Darren Lehmann, so that means he will remain a larrikin who doesn’t get picked while he swans around the world kicking first class attacks around and having a great time.www.cricketwithballs.com

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A Victorian in test cricket, well I never

You’d think all my dreams had come true.

But, it’s Brad Hodge.

And I don’t do Brad Hodge.

I feel no love towards the man, and if he has ever read this site, he feels the same way towards me.

The selectors had two chances to bring in Ashley Matrix, and instead they picked the Krab Katich, and Ricky’s little mate Hodge.

When you've tried as hard as I have to get a Victorian into the Australian side, it's a bitter sweet moment.

It’s like having an Afghan sex tour, but instead of Natalie Portman, it's Tania Zaetta.

So the Australian team will look like this.

Katich, Krab
Jacques, Phabulous
Ponting, Ricky
Hussey, King Probot
Hodge, Ricky’s mate
Roy
Haddin, Brad
Lee, King Punjab
Johnson, OIAGTB
Clark, Rupert
MacGill, SCG

If West Indies are ever going to steal a test, you would put money on it happening right now.

It is still unlikely, but if Graeme Smith and his brilliant unit of cricketers can lose at home to the windies, then surely Katich and his boys will struggle over there.

Peter Roebuck has been erect all week, no he hasn’t hit any young boys, he is erect cause his man Katich is taking over.

Is it a coincidence that Ponting’s sudden loss of form has coincided in Katich’s comeback to test cricket.

Obviously Ponting was not NSWelsh enough to continue the job.

Also, I am sure someone is excited that Hodge is playing, just haven’t found that person yet.www.cricketwithballs.com

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England's favourite homes

Old Trafford, the venue for this week's 2nd Test against New Zealand, has been one of England's favourite grounds in recent years. With this in mind I thought it would be interesting to see which home venues England have enjoyed most Test Match success at in recent years.

The period I have chosen is the 2000s, during which England have played extremely well at home. However, some places have proved happier hunting grounds than others. England's overall record in the 2000s is an impressive 31 wins out of 57 Tests, with only 12 losses and 14 draws.

They have won all 3 matches played at Chester-le-Street, though the opposition have been the weakest in the recent Test arena - Zimbabwe, Bangladesh and West Indies. More impressive are England's performances on their quickest and bounciest pitches at The Oval and Old Trafford, where they have played 8 and 7 Tests, respectively. They have won 4 and lost just 1 match at each ground.

Lord's reputation for lifting England's opponents and not being a favourite ground for the home team is a false one. In 17 Tests since 2000 England have won 8 and only lost 3, drawing the other 6. It is Trent Bridge which is actually England's worse venue in recent years, having yielded just 3 wins out of 8 matches, with 3 losses and 2 draws.

Headingly, long thought of as having the most typically English pitch, justifies its reputation, giving England 5 victories to just 2 losses in 7 matches. It also lives up to its billing as a result pitch, with no draws so far in the 2000s. Edgbaston rounds off the home grounds, producing 4 wins for England out of 7 Tests, with only 2 losses.

On this basis England can look forward to this week's Test Match, but should beware the Third Test against the Kiwis. They should also feel confident about the forthcoming series against South Africa, with matches at Lord's, Headingly, Edgbaston and The Oval.

Of course, Test cricket is never as simple as that, but England's overall record at home in recent years is an excellent one and proof that home advantage is perhaps more prevalent in cricket than any other sport.

Ashes 2009 - plane temporarily grounded in Rajasthan

I promised to bring you each and every snippet of Ashes ephemerea, but I have failed already. So like a cheating boyfriend buying his girlfriend a Hermes Birkin bag, I am making amends late, but in the best way possible. Is it possible to over-hype the Ashes? My friends, over the coming months, we will see.
So, England have a series with NZ on at the moment, Australia are about to play the Windies, there's still plenty of shiny blingy IPL drinking-game fun to be had, but any snippet - ANY - of Ashes-related news will still rise to the top. This week there have been two:
1) As already covered by The Jrod, the (metaphorical) plane (metaphorically) carrying the Ashes from Australia back to England may have made an unscheduled stop in Rajasthan to refuel, as Shane Warne has hinted at a return to Test cricket next year so as to have one last chance at whupping The England.
The Jrod wasn't happy with this because of its impact on Bryce McGain. However, I think that this is the best thing (well, apart from actually being selected himself) that Bryce could have hoped for. If Australia go with some young buck, then surely all hope is gone for Bryce and he will have been officially Passed Over For Selection.
But if Warne, three years older than Nice Bryce, is selected, then perhaps the door is still open. Bryce, see, I still have the faith. The "I'm Pushing For Nice Bryce" t-shirt is good for a few more outings yet.
2) "They" are already talking about how "they" want Michael "Michael Vaughan" Vaughan to be the captain for the Ashes.
Um, between now and then there's the Kiwis, the Saffers, the India, and then the Windies.
If I were the Kiwis I'd not be too keen on being seen as the first warm-up act, and not just because I have a major soft spot (RIGHT HERE BABY) for the Kiwis.
Is it too radical a suggestion that England concentrate on the matter in hand and get into a winning habit? Then perhaps the "rebuilding" that they are always banging on about might actually start to happen.
[b]Other things, apart from Shane Warne, that are due a comeback: [/b] [b][/b]PashminasThey Might Be GiantsCarpet CURLY HAIR for the love of God. It's been yearsHooch alcoholic lemonadeScratch N Sniff stickersTransfers (that you rub onto paper, not the football kind)Crazy pavingIce magic (you know, the chocolate sauce that solidifies when you pour it onto icecream)Rulers with moving pictures on them/changing colours/holograms in generalSupersonic air travel Posters of hunky men holding babies (the James Corden one in GQ may not be to everybody's taste)Writing letters on paper GyroscopesArranging to meet properly, not just giving a vague time and location and trying to figure it out with phones when you get there.The Ashes. www.cricketwithballs.com

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woody strode, a true professional

I like to help the googlers out.

So for the person who continues to look up woody strobe, famous black actor, let me set you straight.

You like me are miss spelling the guys name, he is woody strode, with a d, not with a b.

I once used him in a blog, and everyone who miss spells his name ends up here.

Because this is the place for miss spellings of all kind.

I still confuse Dehli and Delhi, and Rajhastan and Rajasthan.www.cricketwithballs.com

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Hey Jardine, leave our Vics alone, nah it's ok

Adam Holliaoke, Alan Mullally, and Craig White are obviously all champions of English cricket.

Holliaoke was the best English captain since Grace.

Mullaly was the best left arm bowler ever.

And Craig White was probably the best allrounder England has had since Tony Greig.

Because of the trail blazing path these 3 heroes made, England has yet again looked to Victoria to find a champion.

This time it is Darren “eyelids” Pattinson.

The man, who was on a rooftop in Dandenong 12 months ago, is now leading the county league tally with an impressive 15 wickets after just 8 matches.

The rub is that Eyelids has an English passport, which means he can play for the old dart if they ask him nicely.

For England’s quota system, 3 non english accented players per team, Pattinson is perfect.

It’s been a while since Mullally took the new ball for England; so let me give the English some new tips on how to handle their new Victorian recruit.

You will need more than one Victorian bowler, because the first one will get injured thinking about bowling. The second one will get injured thinking about replacing the first one, so best you have 3.

Then you will need Rodney Hogg to psyche him up in his mentalist’s chamber known as the lunacy room. No Victorian can bowl fast without some time alone with Rodney.

After that you need a keeper who can dive in front of first slip. For Victorian bowlers this is like viagra.

And finally you will need to be a good team on paper, that never wins anything, oh good; you’ve got that covered already.

Usually I would be angry at England for poaching our Eyelids, but as long as they leave Dirty Dirk alone, it’s ok by me.

After all, Fast bowlers grow on trees here, we don't even have to go into modelling agencies to find them, like they do in the UK.www.cricketwithballs.com

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The reasons why Warne can play test cricket again

He is Shane Warne.

Champions don’t play by the rules.

The man is used to coming back into the sport after long absences.

He is Shane Warne.

Gilly is no longer around to bug him.

Glenn is no longer around to take all his wickets.

He is Shane Warne.

What else is he going to do, play poker?

Young people have short memories, what if they forget him, and all the older generation die.

He is Shane Warne....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Shane Watson exposed

Disclaimer: No pictures of Shane Watson nude/naked, or lubed up in this post, but there is talk of sex.

Going by my google hits, Shane Watson is the cricketer everyone wants to know about.

He has taken the IPL by storm.

Australians already know alot about him, but others don't.

shane watson looks like patrick swayze, this is true, although I wouldn't say he is a paedophile like Swayze in Donnie Darko, or really cool like Swayze in Point Break.

who is shane watson, that is a question for the ages, but i'd answer it with "jellybean".

shane watson girl soft, that's very unfair to girls.

sex with shane watson cricket, I'll try explain this as best I can, he would be the best looking bloke you've ever landed, you have always wanted to be with a man like this. You get him home, strip him naked, and you are in awe, already slightly confused as he holds a fish in front of his penis. Then under the pressure you apply he breaks down, but this is your perfect man, so you pump him up, but then he breaks down again, still you pump him up, and still he breaks down, this goes on for yours, until you start to abuse him, ignore him and treat him mean, this is when he performs at his best, but alas, tis only for 20/20 moments.

intersex women photos hermaphrodite, i agree Shane Watson has underperformed in his career, but I don't think its because he is a hermaphrodite, I think it's cause he's a jellybean....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Does it need fixing?

The explosion in 20:Twenty cricket and the Kolpak controversy has brought forward a run of people all telling us what is wrong with county cricket. Some of these have some merit, but are tinkering around the edges, whereas others are just plain crackers, reversing the positive changes that took place years ago. To my mind, the questions that need to be asked are What is Wrong with County Cricket? And what can be done to fix it?

I started thinking about this at the end of the last county season. It was the most exciting in years for most of the counties. In Division 1 five counties were still in with a shout of the title for the last round of matches, whereas relegation was only confirmed for Warwickshire along with safety for Kent and Surrey in the penultimate week. In Division 2, Somerset and Notts showed their class (and in Notts case continue to show their class) while Middlesex and Essex were both highly competitive.

The performance of Notts was despite losing Ryan Sidebottom to England. Supposedly a county journeyman who wasn’t quick enough to play for England under Duncan Fletcher, he graduated to become England’s player of the year and leading bowler. Proof, if ever it was needed, that county cricket produces players of international standard.

But what of the other counties. Worcestershire were quickly relegated, but the flooding at New Road meant that the season was about survival off the pitch rather than on it. For the counties at the wrong end of Division 2, however, there was little to play for and little interest in their performance. And herein lies the rub. Once you are out of the promotion challenge in Division 2, you are back to the bad old days of single division cricket where players were just playing out the season from July onwards.

Clearly the logistics needed to set up a first class county set up means that relegation from Division 2 is a non-starter. It would also push counties down the short-term fix route of more and more Kolpaks rather than building for the future with their own youth players.

Reducing the number of counties would also not address the issue at the bottom of the pile. The Kolpak ruling means that there are more county standard players to go around, a situation which would be further improved by removing the restriction on overseas players. The game would be improved by more of Jacques Rudolph or Jacques Kallis with less Jacques du Toit. If the ECB structures their handouts to reward those bringing through their own players, while still allowing counties to strengthen from a wide pool of overseas talent would improve the current standards of cricket while encouraging the development of young players.

However, the Kolpak argument doesn’t help to make the bottom end of the 2nd Division more competitive. For that we may have to look to other sports. Rugby and football have both benefited from the play off system in that it keeps more teams interested for longer. It has an inherent unfairness in that it reduces the season to a single match, but if the second promotion place was to be decided by play-offs, 2nd to 5th would be involved in post season action with 6th to 9th much closer to the possibility of promotion to the end of the season.

This would necessitate two extra weeks at the end of the season in Division 2. This could be created by reverting FP Trophy to a knock out competition and a more formal structure to the county structure. Alternatively, it could also be created by having a less even structure to the leagues. A ten team top division, with eight in Division 2 would add two games to the top division by removing off weeks. It would also allow all of the teams to play together at the same time rather than having one team finish early.

In the end, very little is wrong with the county game. Kolpakkers generally raise the standards of a team and removing the restrictions on overseas players would raise them further by allowing higher quality players into the game. However, expanding Division 1 to ten teams, and creating play-offs in Division 2 means that more teams will remain interested in the season for longer, playing higher intensity cricket and becoming better prepared for the international game.

I commend my recommendations to the blog!!

The reasons why Warne won’t play test cricket again

Cricket Australia don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Warne won’t make his way out to the back of the Ponsford to face Dirty Dirk Nannes.

No point picking him if it’s only one series, he is either in for the long haul, or he can go play poker.

Stuart MacGill is hardly likely to break his leg.

Cricket Australia are never ever going to ask him to play, it sets a precedent, and administracrats don’t like precedents.

Bryce McGain owns one hell of a voodoo doll.

The side is bigger than the individual, Australia has prided itself on that, speak to Steve Waugh or Ian Healy for proof.

If the selectors pick him now, it shows that they think they can’t win without him.

Test cricket requires boot camps, dieticians, and light beer.

There is no money in it.

It’s a lot easier making a comment to the press and watching them all talk about you, than it is to train for a 5 test series that is spread over 8 months.

Australia does a lot of things in cricket that they shouldn’t, but bowing down to retired champions usually isn’t one of them.

Victoria already has two leg spinners, not sure we can fit in a third....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Monty, you're a starfish

I had high hopes for Monty Panesar.

The first reports were he could really bowl.

That he could really not bat.

And that he fielded like a particularly uncoordinated cerebral palsy afflicted platypus.

None of these are true.

His bowling is average, it’s not Ashley Giles bad, but its not Murali good.

His batting is pretty ordinary, but it’s not laugh until you need to pee ordinary like Chris Martin, it’s more vanilla ordinary.

His fielding is pretty crap, but it’s not you could watch him all day crap.

In a word he is Meh.

He is just another left arm tweaker from England.

He doesn’t really spin the ball all that much.

He doesn’t really instil fear into opposition batsman.

He averages over 32 with the rock.

He doesn’t take drugs, or say odd things.

He doesn’t seem to have a personality at all.

He is possibly the dullest cult figure in the history of English sports.

There is nothing controversial about the man.

There are only two things I like about him, his running style, he looks like a child imitating a robot, and the fact he ended the misery of having to watch Ashley Giles.

Everything else is meh.

I’ve wanted to like him for a couple of seasons, but I can’t do it.

A man can’t make love to a stone Monty.

I need something from you.

An x factor.

A y chromosome.

Tell us you slept with a man.

Show us your third nipple.

Start sledging in pig latin.

Take big bags of wickets.

Regail us with tails as your life as a CIA operative.

Give us something Monty.

If not, they I’m afraid your done here.

I have already started seeing a younger man.

Adil is the twice the spinner you are, which means he is a leggie.

He can actually bat, and he comes from Yorkshire.

Plus he is way more exotic than you are.

Monty, you are going on the players we hate list.

Mostly because we don’t have a players we meh list.

Monty, if that is your real name, if you want to come off the list, start performing like a cult figure, or at least give us a rest from the Ashley Giles impersonation....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

England to win 3 zip

The English cricket team are an amazing bread of players.

Batsmen who look the part, talk the talk, get the plaudits, and produce very little.

Bowlers who are rejects from the ford agency.

And wicket keepers that come on a conveyor belt of pasty balding fumblers who can bat a bit.

It’s a weird mix.

On top of this, about every 2 years England has a new saviour, someone to deliver them to the promise land.

England’s recent list of saviours

Harmy, who, if he was a gladiator, would eat the lion one day, and get eaten by a mouse the next.

Freddy, the drunkard superstar who can do anything on a cricket field, if only he was regularly on them.

KP was South African, but unfortunately he had to pledge his allegiance to England so many times he his now English, and therefore not the saviour.

And let us not forget Monty, who we were all assured was going to usher in a new breed of spin success for England, and now just gets in the way of a Yorkshire leggie.

New Zealand are New Zealand, and no one can deny them that.

Prince Brendan is a one man wrecking crew.

The perfect boyfriend Oram is a one man wrecking crew.

And Daniel Vettori is a foreman, who operates his two one man wrecking crews.

Other than that everyone is a battler.

Some, like Taylor, could be one man wrecking crews, but they keep destroying themselves.

Chris Martin, a man who looks so dodgy, Daniel Flynn bats with his wallet in his creams, can bowl a bit, so can former Adonis Kyle Mills.

Jamie How is something, we are just not sure what at the moment.

So where does this leave this series.

England maybe could have won, but they went for the draw.

New Zealand could never have won, but they finished on top.

England have a lot of improving to do.

New Zealand are playing in their 99th percentile.

England 3 zip it is, I like to stick by my guns, even when I’m shooting myself in the foot....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Warne disrespects McGain

Shane Warne has said "If Stuey MacGill fell over and broke his leg, and there were no other spinners around, and Ricky came out and said, 'Mate, can you please help us out for this one-off tour? We need you', that is something I would weigh up."

Stuey falls over all the time, but his newly found rotundness protects him from broken legs.

When was Ricky promoted to chairman of selectors and CEO of Cricket Australia.

And what is this crap about no other spinners, no other spinners, what the hell do you call Bryce McGain.

Not to forget the dude from Sydney with the Young and the Restless name who I don’t rate at all.

Cricket with balls has not been in contact with Bryce McGain over this shocking slight from Warne, but luckily we have ESP powers and Telekinetic powers (even if they don’t help in this situation) and we can tell what McGain is thinking.

“Every body talking bout Shane Warne.

Who the fudge does this man think he is, I am leg spinning goddammit.

I need some milk.

He better bow down and kiss my toes in forgiveness.

Just because he is the best leg spinner in freakin Jaipur, that don’t mean a diddle.

Eggs, bread.

I am the best leg spinner in Victoria, and I have been since he flew the coop to Hampshire.

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said no no no.

If Stuey aint fit, I get the gig, because I do the training, I take the wickets, and because I don’t sleep with strippers.

I pity the fool who messes with Bryce McGain.

Tim tams as well.

Shane, mess with me, and you will meet my friend pain.

Do you smell what the Goo is cooking?

I am the lizard king.

Allow me to re-introduce myself, my name is HOV, H to the O-V. I used to move snowflakes by the O.Z.

Warney if you play ahead of me in a dream you better wake up and apologise.

I understand you being horny Fritz, but you've got bad breath”
Strong words from Bryce.

Oh and congrats to Warne for getting the worlds media titillated over something that will never ever happen....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

kiwi v eng tipping contest

Sportsfreak have put up the results of the first round of tipping in the IPL cricket blogging challenge DLF maximum orange hat competition.

Cricket with balls is coming a tidy fourth with 4 points.

I correctly tipped that Sidebottom would bowl the most overs, not because it was going to be a rain effected game, but based on the fact the kiwis have 5 bowlers, and Broad and Anderson are not Sidebottomesque.

I also went within a bees dick of picking Prince Brendan's strike rate.

I must admit I didn't really take this seriously, but now that I am 4th, my Austrlaianess has kicked in, and I will take this very seriously from here on in.

Well as seriously as I take anything....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

England's quartet of promise

It seems that England have finally found a bowling unit again. After a lot of fiddling around and numerous injuries and losses of form in recent years, the quartet who now hold the England bowling positions are starting to look like they work well together.

Even the usually inconsistent Anderson has started to perform for more than one Test in a row, perhaps starting to fulfil his early promise, though he has a long way to go to completely convince. What is good is that he seems to enjoy bowling with Sidebottom, Broad and Panesar and Vaughan has started to have much more faith in him.

There is little doubt that both Panesar and Sidebottom have firmly established themselves in the team. Both left-armers have the skill and spirit necessary to succeed at the highest level and have produced several match-winning performances.

Broad is by no means the finished article, but has shown the priceless ability to learn with each bowling spell. This continual improvement should take him on the road to success in the five day game, though he will, no doubt, have many stern tests ahead.

England may have failed to push their advantage in the First Test against New Zealand, which ended in the damp and murk today, but the bowlers showed that they can fire, both individually and as a unit. With better support from their fielders and better umpiring they could have forced a serious wobble from the New Zealand line-up and given the England batsmen a late chase for victory.

Roll on the Second Test and another interesting installment in the development of England's new look quartet.

Harmonster Harms Hoggard

<p align="justify">In a[b] [/b][b]SHOCKING[/b] incident reminiscent of Tonya Harding - Nancy Kerrigan, Steve Harmison has, apparently, resorted to extreme measures in a (futile - Tremlett's back in) attempt to take out one of his fast-bowling rivals.

<p align="justify">Poor Matthew Hoggard has had his thumb broken by a Harmison bouncer.

Now, seasoned Harmy watchers will notice that something doesn't quite add up.

<p align="justify">[b]Yes, that's right.[/b]

<p align="justify">Harmison? Bowling with a line sufficiently precise so as to pinpoint a thumb?

<p align="justify">[b]WHAT THE?[/b]

There is only one possible explanation for this sudden show of extreme accuracy: the mind-mannered wayward tormented bowler is, by accumulated rage and thwarted ambition, [b]TRANSFORMED [/b]into a being with robot-like vision and accuracy:

[b]THE HARMONSTER[/b]

<p align="justify">

<p align="justify">

<p align="justify">

<p align="justify">His secret identity remains safe, because it never manifests itself in a test match when people might be watching.

*thanks again to Ceci and Mel for the beauteous photoshopping.

...
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

IPL around the world

Occasionally I pop a post over at Holdingwilley.com.

Recently they took a look at what impact the IPL has had in 3 countries, Australia, West Indies, and India.

I helped them out with a bit of Australiana.

You can read all about how I blatantly plug the Victorians here.

Good website Holding Willey....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Championship Review - Week 5

[b]The most meaningless game for English cricket takes place in Division 2 while in Division 1, Notts are beginning to open a gap at the top and Yorkshire put in the sort of performance to give my Sunday team a run for their money.[/b]

[b]Division 1[/b]
Starting with the early pace-setters, [b]Nottinghamshire[/b] as they hosted [b]Lancashire[/b] without their England opening bowling pair of Sidebottom and Broad. One of the replacements, though, Darren Pattinson, took six wickets as Lancs made just 113, Stuart Law and Steven Croft scoring most of those in a 5th wicket stand of 85. In reply, Notts salvaged a batting point and a decent first innings lead with 202 before Lancs scored 233 second time round, Charlie Shreck taking 5-fer. Needing just 147 to win, Saj Mahmood took three early wickets, but a century stand between Mark Wagh and Adam Voges gives Notts a healthy lead at the top of the Championship.

Taunton looked to have rediscovered some of its characteristics from last season as [b]Somerset[/b] racked up 557 for 8, James Hildredth getting a hundred while Neil Edwards was run out for 99. In reply [b]Sussex[/b] managed just 202, despite Michael Yardy and Carl Hopkinson putting on a hundred for the 2nd wicket. Yardy and Hopkinson did exactly the same during the follow on before a Murray Goodwin ton led the Champions to safety. Sussex have started the season poorly, but they did last year as well.

Performing worse than Sussex were [b]Yorkshire[/b], who allowed [b]Durham[/b] to reach 406 in their first innings, largely due to 184 from Michael Di Venuto with Tim Bresnan taking four wickets. Yorkshire’s total of 194 was something of a recovery, from 50 for 6, with Adil Rashid and Bresnan putting on 85 for the 6th wicket, Rashid making 70 and Graham Onions taking 5 wickets. Durham batted again, declaring on 205 for 6, setting Yorkshire an unlikely 417 to win. In an agonising finish, they ended up just 295 runs short, scoring an abject 122 and losing Matthew Hoggard to a broken thumb.

A much tighter finish happened at the Rose Bowl where all eyes were on Mark Ramprakash and his quest for his 100th 100. [b]Surrey[/b] batted first and Ramps could make just 17 as Surrey made 278. Chris Tremlett took 5-fer to put his name in the frame for the 2nd test, although the back spasms wich kept him out of the rest of the match probably put paid to that. [b]Hampshire[/b] replied with 227, despite a century partnership between the Michaels Brown and Lumb. Surrey declared on 229 to set Hants a target of 281 to win in 75 overs. Brown’s 94 gave the home team hope, but with Saqlain taking 5 wickets, Hants were holding on for a draw at the end, finishing on 247 for 8.

[b]Division 2[/b]
The Kolpakshire derby took place at Grace Road, with [b]Leicestershire[/b] scoring 527 in their first innings, Jacques du Toit scoring a ton, while Nicky Boje took four wickets for [b]Northamptonshire[/b]. The weather intervened so Northants could only manage 302 for 3 in reply before the end of the match. However, with only nine Englishmen playing in the match, the interest outside of the counties focussed on the Kolpak regulations.

[b]Glamorgan[/b] have deliberately gone against the Kolpak route and are putting their trust in their youngsters, a policy that is beginning to pay off. Having restricted [b]Derbyshire[/b] to 289, the Welshmen scored 384 in their first innings, with centuries for 23 year old Gareth Reed and 37 year old David Hemp, Charl Langeveldt taking 5 wickets. Derbyshire struggled second time round, but dogged resistance from Dan Birch (43 from 136 balls) and Karl Klokker (19 from 88 balls) and poor weather meant Glamorgan weren’t able to claim the victory.

Finally to New Road where [b]Worcestershire[/b] had [b]Gloucestershire[/b] in all sorts of trouble at 85 for 5. However, centuries for Chris Taylor and Stephen Snell in a stand of 222 took Gloucester to 444, Simon Jones taking 5 wickets and bowling 24 overs without getting injured. In reply Worcester also had the poor start, but without the recovery, they made just 214. Batting again, they reached 194 for 3 before the game fizzled out into a draw. Stephen Moore scored 84 of these and he is the first batsman to 500 runs this season.

[b]England Player watch[/b]
[b]Matt Prior[/b] failed for the first time this season with 1 while [b]Luke Wright[/b] only managed 3 more. [b]Michael Carberry [/b]scored 8 runs, albeit in two innings. [b]Adil Rashid [/b]top scored for Yorkshire with 70, and is currently looking like his batting is his strongest suit.

Bowling-wise, the injury to [b]Matthew Hoggard [/b]means that there is a chance for someone to get into the next England squad. [b]Chris Tremlett [/b]bowled well, but there are doubts about his fitness due to his back spasms. Talking of crocks, [b]Simon Jones [/b]took five wickets, but it is far too early to think about throwing him back into the mix. [b]Graham Onions [/b]and [b]Charlie Shreck [/b]both took 5-fer, while [b]Tim Bresnan [/b]is currently the highest rated English player by the PCA ratings. He took 6 wickets and scored 78 runs in Yorkshire’s abject performance at Durham.

[b]Player of the week[/b]
Lots of good performances this week, with [b]Tim Bresnan’s[/b] virtually solo resistance for Yorkshire, [b]Michael Di Venuto's[/b] big hundred in the same game, [b]Gareth Rees’s [/b]fluent hundred for Glamorgan and [b]Simon Jones’s[/b] five-fer all worthy of a mention. However, for setting Nottinghamshire off on their victory in the absence of Broad and Sidebottom with six wickets, the player of the week is [b]Darren Pattinson[/b].

appreciate a victorian

While I was checking my facebook fan page I stumbled across something awesome.

Well two things really, but you guys probably don’t care about Tom Petrovski.

You may not care about the other one either, but it’s my blog, and if I wanna salute another Victorian, I damn well will.

You see, I found the Matthew Inness Appreciation Society.

A collection of people who probably know him personally, but none the less, an appreciation society for one of the best Victorian bowlers in the last 10 years.

Matthew Inness was a Victorian left arm quick who had three fatal flaws, one, he was Victorian, two, he wasn’t a great bowler with an older ball, and three, red hair.

Put a new ball in the dudes hand and he would make it talk.

And do you know what it said, WICKETS.

At his best the ball had a magical arc that could cut through the best Australian domestic, and International techniques.

Somehow during the great Victorian fast bowling scout of a few years back, Inness got a bum steer, and ended up playing for the Warriors.

At first the Warriors seemed a little stand offish towards him, but this year he well and truly changed their minds.

He took 40 first class wickets at an average of 20, and yet has decided to pull the pin.

Tis a shame.

How an Australian left arm bowler could take 281 first class wickets at 25 and never play one game for Australia, when guys like Simon Cook, Brad Williams and Scott Muller have, is a bit odd.

Inness never seemed to make the right headlines, he just took wickets, had red hair, and went about his business, everything else was not that important.

If you are a Victorian fan, a fan of the gingers, a broadfordite, or a left arm swing bowling enthusiast, join the appreciation society of a man who never got enough of it during a very good ten year first class career.

Cricket with balls appreciates you Mr Inness....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

England, get my goat

England deserve to end up behind New Zealand.

They looked at the fact there were 2 days left, the fact they had 10 wickets in hand, and they thought, lets play the draw.

It’s piss poor.

Test cricket is played until the 5th afternoon.

Test cricket is bloody hard to win.

Test cricket is not about playing draws in matches you are miles ahead in.

England’s first six wickets fell to prods.

Prods.

Fucken prods.

They were 150 runs behind with 10 wickets to spare, and they are trying to prod their way to a draw.

Play a fucken shot.

Take the game on.

Make the most of your huge advantage.

Win the test.

Kick the opposition when they are down.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Because next test, England could lose the toss, end up on a green top, get bowled out for 54, and go one nil down with one test to play.

Collingwood, Strauss and KP looked as if they were waiting to go out.

Cook was batting like a man on 5 not out when he was on 50.

Vaughn’s strike rate was 24 off about 84 balls at one stage.

Bell showed more intent than most of them, but the intent left him when Martin worked him over.

Ambrose made the sort of mistake that costs people careers.

This was not a mine field of a pitch, it’s the sort of pitch that a bowler in top form can hurt you, but Mills and Southee were looking very hittable, Vettori was bowling well, but he was hardly attacked, and Oram was placing them down softly as always.

Virtually all of them just sat at the wicket, calling it batting would be unfair to batsmen who actually bat.

It reminded me the radelaide oval test from the last Ashes.

England decided it would be a tame draw, but they forgot to tell the opposition of their prediction and they lost.

They probably won’t lose this, unless the pitch turns hostile on the last afternoon.

But that doesn’t matter, you never ever drop your guard in test cricket, because like a freaky ex girlfriend, she will stab you in the back with a hair pin....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

the krab is back

Simon Katich has been officially selected.

And it hurts.

On many levels.

Another NSWelshman getting a test.

Having to watch him scuttle around.

Another former golden child getting yet another chance.

Having to watch him grub around with no respect for his creamy whites.

Knowing that the elusive creature, the Australian bowling all rounder, is being held in captivity.

And a complete disregard for planning for the future of the Australian test team....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Vaughn's hard task, and England's foreplay repeat

Michael Vaughn is currently on 60 odd not out.

But he is still not the Vaughn of old.

You may remember that Vaughn, the one who commanded the crease.

Who took apart bowling attacks.

Who batted like Carl Perkins would have.

Today he batted like he was constipated, like me after a week of cheesey indulgence.

I think I know what his problem is.

His constipation is not caused by too much dairy, but by the fact that the whole sky sports team seems wedged up his back passage.

Imagine playing a cover drive with bumble and Nasser in your anus.

Exactly.

But he has scratched and clawed his way to a promising start, and he is getting more used to the constipation as time goes by.

He still isn’t flowing freely, but he is floating instead of sinking.

The rest of the England team have been much more miserable.

I knew it was going to be a frustrating day when KP stated, in an incredibly long winded pre game interview, that he didn’t believe England could win this test.

Your most attacking cricketer giving up hope with 2 days in hand, you’re a true pom now KP.

From there England played for a draw.

Strauss played like he was imitating Rahul Dravid, the new model.

Cook was ok, but the eye liner ran, and Martin snuck through a snorter.

KP missed a straight one from Vettori by a very long way.

Bell got a ripper, again from Martin, still wouldn’t let him date my sister, but he is bowling very well.

Collingwood looked miserable, and went out to Vettori’s surprise ball, the one that spins.

Next ball Ambrose padded up to Vettori’s stock ball, the straight one.

What does all this add up to, more boring and useless foreplay from the English batsman.

Ladies, if you’re gonna date an English cricketer, make sure it’s a bowler....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

England get my goat

England deserve to end up behind New Zealand.

They looked at the fact there were 2 days left, the fact they had 10 wickets in hand, and they thought, lets play the draw.

It’s piss poor.

Test cricket is played until the 5th afternoon.

Test cricket is bloody hard to win.

Test cricket is not about playing draws in matches you are miles ahead in.

England’s first six wickets fell to prods.

Prods.

Fucken prods.

They were 150 runs behind with 10 wickets to spare, and they are trying to prod their way to a draw.

Play a fucken shot.

Take the game on.

Make the most of your huge advantage.

Win the test.

Kick the opposition when they are down.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Because next test, England could lose the toss, end up on a green top, get bowled out for 54, and go one nil down with one test to play.

Collingwood, Strauss and KP looked as if they were waiting to go out.

Cook was batting like a man on 5 not out when he was on 50.

Vaughn’s strike rate was 24 off about 84 balls at one stage.

Bell showed more intent than most of them, but the intent left him when Martin worked him over.

Ambrose made the sort of mistake that costs people careers.

This was not a mine field of a pitch, it’s the sort of pitch that a bowler in top form can hurt you, but Mills and Southee were looking very hittable, Vettori was bowling well, but he was hardly attacked, and Oram was placing them down softly as always.

Virtually all of them just sat at the wicket, calling it batting would be unfair to batsmen who actually bat.

It reminded me the radelaide oval test from the last Ashes.

England decided it would be a tame draw, but they forgot to tell the opposition of their prediction and they lost.

They probably won’t lose this, unless the pitch turns hostile on the last afternoon.

But that doesn’t matter, you never ever drop your guard in test cricket, because like a freaky ex girlfriend, she will stab you in the back with a hair pin....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Ian Smith on Jacob Oram

"He won't be too stiff after that one(beating Vaughn, as if that's hard), he'll be excited"

To that I say, what is the point in being excited if you are not stiff?

But me thinks that after Jacob got Strauss out, Ian was stiff enough for every Kiwi....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

victorians quoted

Obviously Victorians are taking over the globe, but they also give good quote.

"One day I was up on the roof, the next I was playing at the MCG. Now I'm never going near a roof again."
Darren "eyelids" Pattinson, the Victoria and Nottinghamshire quick bowler, on his rise from roof tiler to strike bowler after his 6/30 against Lancashire.

He wasn't just on a roof though, he was on a roof in Dandenong, you can understand why he doesn't want to go back there, as their tiles are particularly dangerous.

"Look, Twenty20 is such a fast game that one has to remain focused all the time. We don't even have enough time for sledging."
David Hussey on one of the many consequences of the shortest form of the game.

The Future PM means he doesn't have time to sledge, Warney still finds time....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

he is more than a man, more than a jelly bean, and he tastes like chicken beef casserole

Disclaimer: Although this post is about Shane Watson, there are no pictures of him nude, but there are (c)ock references.

Shane Watson may have had the combs of roosters inserted into his soft tissues when he went to see German animal molester and miracle man, Dr Hans-Wilhelm Muller-Wohlfarth.

A rooster comb is the comb in domestic fowl, a naked, fleshy crest on the top of the heads of both adult male and female birds, is more developed in the male. The structure of the comb can be quite variable, ranging from a simple, single, erect or drooping, serrated appearance to more elaborate forms, depending on the variety of the domestic fowl.

Interesting, I’m sure you’ll agree.
When this was first reported it was thought that cows blood was going to be inserted into Shane Watson's seemingly muscular, but really dodgy, hamstrings.

Now we find out it may have been rooster combs.

Or both.

There is a possibility that Shane Watson, 5 times jelly bean cricketer of the year ( before Freddy took the title), could be part cow and part chicken.

A fowl bovine perhaps.

The once in a generation all rounder, with the once a game hamstrings, is currently the best performed player in the IPL.

At a 125,000 clams he is unbelievable value for money.

You can't blame the other sides for not picking him.

They went on his human traits.

No one knew that he now had the calm of a cow, and the productivity of a rooster.

Those attributes changed him from the prodding useless mess of a man he has been for quite some time (world cup notwithstanding), to the IPL destroying fowl bovine he is right now.

What other players could benefit from an animal injection.

Shoaib Ahktar â€" Clydesdale semen

Jesse Ryder â€" German Shepherd saliva

Misbah Ul Haq â€" Peacock feathers

Ricky Ponting â€" (more) Badger Hair

Graeme Smith â€" Owl pee

The list is seemingly endless, yet here it ends....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

The Australian selectors have spoken

They said <p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">"We want the Krab.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">We enjoy watching him scuttle around the crease.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">We like his nudging.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">His unwashed demeanour.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He 3 day stubble.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">And his can do attitude.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Ashley Noffke can go please himself."
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">The Australian selectors wanted Noffke to be under no illusion that he might get a game, so they gave Brad Hodge a game to go with all those frequent flyer points.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Brad Hodge obviously wont play a test match on this tour.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Once Clarke comes back he will be sent back to SRK.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">So what message are they sending to Noffke, we hear you liked the rum on your last tour here, fancy another round.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">OK, so you want Katich in the side, we get that, but surely giving Noffke a run, even as a batsman, is a better go than playing Hodge.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Hell, playing anyone but Shane Watson is better than Hodge.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Now us Australians must endure Simon Katich again.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Clarkey, you now can never leave this woman, not even if Michael Slater sleeps with her.
...
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Can Tim Ambrose Keep?

No.

What, you want proof?

Ok.

16 byes.

The four times I saw him take the ball on his chest in an hour.

Down the legside Ambrose looks like a man holding a bucket with a tidal wave bearing down on him.

His greatest attribute still seems to be the "catchit" he yells out every time the ball leaves the carpet by more than an inch.

English wicket keepers, even the Australian ones, are all interchangeable anyway.

The selectors have a big wheel they spin, you can win a meat tray, or select a new keeper from it.

And on the evidence I have seen, which albeit, is only one innings, I say, DJ Miller spin that sh1t....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

The only reason you'll need sunglasses at Lords this weekend

So, England's new kit. It is white. Not just white, but WHITE. Proper WHITE.
<p align="justify">White is sometimes associated with things that are good and pure. I once sang a piece which included the words "This sanctuary of my soul, Unwitting I keep white and whole". At the time I found the imagery a little offensive, I won't lie to you, but the piece redeemed itself by containing the line "with parted lips and outstretch'd hands".
<p align="justify">
The England's white kit, though, is wrong on many levels. Here is my XI (and believe me there's a 2nd, 3rd and 4th XI, and several youth teams as well) reasons why the white kit is wrong.
<p align="justify">1) It looks blue on TV. It's not just my telly; the cameras can't pick up the white properly.
<p align="justify">
2) The new non-woolly jumpers don't sit properly on the cricketers' asses. Solely in the name of research, I spent quite some time analysing this when watching the highlights last night, and, solely to ensure the scientific accuracy of the research, in the name of SCIENCE I used the example of Daniel Vettori's ass in a woollen jumper as the experimental control.
<p align="justify">
3) I don't want to think about the environmental processes involved in getting something that white.
<p align="justify">
4) Ditto the laundry processes in keeping something that white.
<p align="justify">
5) Such a stark white doesn't flatter the more pallid of the English complexions. It may look better if they pick up a bit of a tan, but that obviously depends on there actually being some daylight in England this summer. If they want to make the kit work right now, Panesar isn't enough - they should bring back Ramps.
<p align="justify">
6) The use of an unnatural fibre feels like a cruel, deliberate slap in the face of the wool industry, and specifically the New Zealand wool industry.
<p align="justify">
7) The print advert seems actively to blame the old kit for England's poorer performances. It states "The new England Test kit made with lightweight fabrics to allow maximum performance". Allow? Has maximum performance not been "allowed" before? And no, I haven't missed out an "is" or a colon from that quote.
<p align="justify">
8) I'm concerned that for fear of dirtying their new kit they might not throw themselves into the game with as much vigour.
<p align="justify">
9) The horror of the marketing meeting where the kit was proposed. I can just see a young chap in meeja glasses and directional trainers saying "I have an idea. It's a crazy one! Why not make the new kit … white?".
<p align="justify">
10) I fear that this is a slippery slope toward them wearing those Skins things that Michael Vaughan advertises.
<p align="justify">
11) They can go on all they like about superior wicking abilities, but I'd much rather hug someone who's wearing a woolly jumper.
...
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

the kiwis are in form

Not the cricket team, they are rubbish.

I was wishing my fingernails would grow long so i could gouge my own eyes out during the first session.

But the bloggers from New Zealand are in tip top form.

Sportsfreak are running a tipping competition for all the bloggers to prove what mental giants they are.

Mike on cricket are telling the world I am much better than the telegraph, who can argue.

And at outside the line they are discussing leftist views on eastern european living under the Iron curtain, and saying that David Hussey is great.

All these sites are in far greater form than Jscob Oram, some dude named Redmund and Ross Taylor....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

jacques online

<p class="MsoNormal">Jacques Kallis has a website.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">True story.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">http://www.kallis.co.za/index.htm

<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">It has all the information on Jacques you have ever wanted.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">For instance his middle name is Henry.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Steve Waugh once said of him. [b]“We’ve tried everything against this guy, but we can’t find a weakness in his game”.[/b]The site goes on to say, "His mental strength is his primary weapon and if the Australians can’t get to him then no other side probably can."
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Even though he averages a mere 19 runs less against Australia than anyone else.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He has a scholarship. “To combine the academic and life skills programmes of existing school structures with the funding and mentorship from Jacques Kallis.”
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal"> Jacques, the rich, arrogant and balding Mr Chipps.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">He also answers the tough questions.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Can you cook, if so what is your strength[/b] No can't cook.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">But you can afford about a dozen chefs who work around the clock i bet.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Favourite music[/b] All types.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Really Jacques, you like afro salsa trip hop as well?
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Favourite actor/actress[/b] Neve Campbell.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Wow.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Products I use for my hair and body[/b] I use all Sanex products for my hair, feet and body.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Lucky they are your major sponsors, other wise you’d have to spend a fortune, well not on your hair.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">[b]Marital status[/b] dating Sharmone Jardim.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Sorry?
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">What the fuck happened to Cindy? Why was I not informed of this?
<p class="MsoNormal">I have tried to friend this Sharmone Jardim on facebook, to find answers, but so far she has not granted my request.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Thinking that a website run by the man himself may be wrong I did some research, and guess what, Cindy and he broke up ages ago.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">According to Saffa cricket, it was 2006.
"Nell's agent Kendra Houghton, confirmed that the two were no longer a couple and said they were still good friends. She said the break-up was due to their busy schedules." <p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Yet commenters on this blog led me to believe he was still in a sick and twisted relationship with Cindy.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">This is simply not true, the sick and twisted relationship is with Shamone (also spelt Sharmone on the same site) Jardim.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">So my Cindy's pre game ritual post, has been edited to reflect Shamone Jardim.
<p class="MsoNormal">Which isn’t nearly as funny, as she is not related to any of the players, least of all the ax wielding Andre.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">After I carefully re worded my Cindy’s pre game ritual post, I went back to read up about Shamone Jardim.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">“I wanted to share some news with you that has certainly made me very happy. I have a new lady in my life and her name is Shamone Jardim. It is so nice to date a girl that is dating me for who I am and not someone who is looking to further her career out of a relationship. I am very happy at the moment and she is a very special girl.” Jacques Kallis
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Is he saying Cindy was dating him to further her career?
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Fair enough really, it probably wasn’t your looks that got Cindy in, and your personality would never be considered dynamic, so what else is a girl left with, a love of men who love themselves, or men that have an average over 50.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Great website, I suggest you all take a look.
...
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how to tell which stooge is writing (redux)

A rundown on who writes for cricket with balls, incase you get confused or forget to read the spun by tag.

Updated with new lady blogger.

Miriam

Catch phrase â€" "You know what this post needs, an indifferent cat."

Writing style â€" educated, well thought out, excited, mildy perverted. Uses Grammar, will do anything for a guy with a big dictionary, and generally likes a dot point or two. Occasionally lets her love for certain cricketers permeate her writing .

Cricket Pedigree â€" Played cricket in the dust on holidays in Sri Lanka as a child, but fell in love with the game during the 1990 Lords test v India. Her love of cricket is nothing to do with the men, because in the 1990s the men in question were Gooch, Gatting, etc. Now, feeds the obsession (which was once once described as borderline aspergers) by going to Surrey games, collecting Wisden almanacks and watching literally any cricket on tv.

Favourite Players â€" Piyush Chawla, Shahadat Hossain, Jesse Ryder, any Sri Lankan.

Most Hated Players â€" Hate is a negative destructive emotion, but: South Africans (except for Vernon Philander, whom she would marry for the name), and Matthew Hayden (whom she would not marry for the name even though she likes classical music).

Pet Peeves â€" cricketers with rituals at the crease, because once you notice them there's no un-noticing them. Overuse of emoticons. Unkindness.

Sime

Catchphrase - “the way it used to be”

Writing style â€" considered, well thought out, in depth, makes constant references to Uncle J Rod’s ex girl friends and likes to use………. Instead of one full stop. Bad grammar.

Cricket pedigree â€" front foot player, defensive when compared to dashing players like Bill Lawry or Geoffrey Boycott. Bowls extremely slow right arm off the wrong foot. Worst person to bowl to in backyard cricket, as will leave any ball a fraction away from off stump.

Favourite players â€" Any Australian captain other than Mark Taylor. Sanath Jayasuriya.

Most hated players â€" Any South African, KP, Mark Taylor, Sourav Ganuly, Stephen Fleming. Shane Watson.

Pet peeves â€" People who play across the line, people who he thinks have bad techniques, any captain who isn’t an Australian.

Big daddy

Catch phrase â€" “he’s shitter than Michael kasprowicz”

Writing style â€" passionate, non-linear, writes like he is yelling at the computer, good with a one liner and tries to piss people off.

Cricket Pedigree â€" Leg Spinner, turned the ball a long way, great flight. Worst batsmen in his whole extended family (family known for supplying the tail of many sides). Can play one shot, the cut, plays it no matter where the ball is pitched.

Favourite Players â€" GLENN MCGRATH (bordering on stalking or a man crush, seriously he made me edit this and put his name in capitals) Andrew Symonds, Justin Langer, Stephen Fleming Sachin Tendulkar, Lance Klusenor, Brad Hogg and Shahid Afridi.

Most hated players â€" All South Africans, Arjuna Ranatunga, Chris Cairns, Aravinda de Silva, Michael Kasprowicz, Shoaib Ahktar, Murali, Hansie Cronje, Herschelle Gibbs, Sourav Ganguly, Andrew Strauss, Harbhajan Singh and Sreesanth.

Pet Peeves â€" When Thommo miss pronounces McGrath’s name. When non talented Queensland blowers get picked for Australia, when sub continent players cheat.

Uncle J Rod

Catch phrase â€" “that reminds me of this girl I used to”

Writing style â€" right brain, analogies, talks shit, mentions sex in like every fucking post, Natalie Portman references, too many film references, tries to be funny, quick to anger. Spells names wrong, doesn’t use capitals when he should.

Cricket Pedigree â€" All rounder. Bowled leggies, but they didn’t spin much. Attacking batsmen, thrown away more good starts than he’s had cold beers. Captained and stood at first slip as much as possible.

Favourite Players â€" Ian Harvey, Adam Gilchrist, David Hussey, Wasim Akram, Curtly Ambrose, Bryce McGain, Mushtaq Ahmed, Chris Gayle, Cameron White, Dirk Nannes, Stephen Fleming, Keith Miller and Matthew Elliott.

Most Hated Players â€" Any fucking South Africans, Sourav Ganguly, Brad Hogg, Brad Haddin, Andy Bichel, most New South Welshman, Simon Katich, and Adam Parore.

Pet Peeves â€" Captains who play boring defensive ass cricket to keep their job, spinners who bowl flat, countries trying to play like Australia, the amount of one day cricket, south africans, and the fact Natalie Portman has not slept with me (um, sorry, him). Globalisation, two party democracy, the moral majority, private sectors ruling governments, they way poor nations are used and abused by rich white dudes and the fact that my local bus doesnt stick to the time table. Tony Greig....
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the world's 5 most important cricketers

Prince Brendan McCullum is 26 years old.

That gives him another ten years in the big league.

Who knows how many 80’s and 90’s he can score in that time.

But, what if he learns to make hundreds.

I don’t mean in state games, or wearing golden helmets, I mean real test hundreds, against teams that win test matches.

Test match batting is becoming a western shoot out.

Plodders are being found out by McGrath replicants.

The two species that are flourishing are Probots, and Smackers.

McCullum is about as far from a probot as you can get.

He rides his luck over by over.

A simple cover drive is air borne for no real reason.

A flick to the leg side becomes a hoick.

Slips seem to be irrelevant for him, because when he edges the ball, third man is much more likely to see it.

Bracewell has shown a lot of faith in a man who averages 30 in tests, but you can see why.

Every time he steps on the field his performances seem to get better.

It was only a few months ago I was thinking that he was going to be a player who gets a 30 or 40, before losing the plot and going out.

At that stage I even rated Luke Ronchi above him.

I’m not saying McCullum is a dud, in fact he fits the mould of New Zealand wicket keepers perfectly. More than decent annoying batsman, who sledges well and generally p1sses off opposition teams.

Right now that looks like a massive understatement, but at the time it was justified, he hadn’t made a test hundred against anyone, he averaged less than 30 in both forms of the game, and on paper Vettori was as good a test batsman as him.

All that is gone now, he has finally started stringing real innings together, and is a number 5 test batsmen who can make 97 on a spicy deck at lords, while his team mates look like lemmings.

But why have I selected him in my most important cricketers list.

Because in him, New Zealand have a weapon that can win matches.

He has the ability to shape New Zealand’s next ten years like no one since Hadlee has.

New Zealand are well known for their medium paced grinders, and there top order plodders.

But in McCullum they have a man who can win a test match in a session, and that is the only way the Kiwis will ever beat other sides.

Batsman don’t generally win matches, but Gilly proved that it can be done regularly if you hit the ball hard enough.

If teams like New Zealand and West Indies drop off now, world cricket is in real trouble.

McCullum has the potential to keep them close enough to the best teams, they still may not win a lot of series, but teams will have to find a way around him in order to win.

Watching him is like watching to people have sex in a car crash, there are so many ways it can go wrong, but somehow everyone walks away fine, and you can’t believe what you’ve seen.

New Zealanders generally only go to cricket matches when their players are dressed in black, but the Prince makes test cricket exciting, and he could even woo some rugby supporters to a test match.

New Zealand need two things in their cricket, match winners, and draw cards, Prince Brendan is both, and he is only just getting started.

He even managed to make a Gold Helmet look cool.

Monsieur , what kind of a man is Brendan McCullum?
Oh, he's just like any other man, only more so....
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Day 1, First Test: AAA Review

Analogies, Analytics and Analysis, as promised.

[b]ANALOGIES [/b]

Today, it's songs.

The weather: why does it always rain on me; raindrops keep falling on my head.

The new England kit: the future's so bright, you gotta wear shades; whiter shade of pale.

[b]ANALYTICS
[/b]
any chance for deccan chargers [honestly people, learn the basics of googlesearching! you don't just ask a question!]how do you ball in cricket [if you meant "bawl", ask Sreesanth]south africans living in surrey [WHAT??! thanks for the warning!]

[b]ANALYSIS [/b]
[b][/b]<p align="justify">
See Jrod's post below for a proper analysis of the first session, which was the afternoon session because of the morning rain. Yes, yes, it rained, English weather is awful, yes yes.
<p align="justify">McCullum played very excitingly but fell on 97 to a cracker from Panesar. Last time he played at Lords he got 96, though, so it reflected an improvement, and I'm quite sure that's what he's saying to himself right now.
<p align="justify">
Proper batsmen Oram and Vettori are at the crease now that the work experience boys at the top of the order have had their go, so NZ may be able to post something good tomorrow, which will mean I too will be able to post something good tomorrow.
<p align="justify">
Redmond's dad apparently got a century on his test debut and wasn't picked again. If junior doesn't perform in his second innings and is dropped like a chip off the old block, at least he needn't feel as hard done by.
<p align="justify">
Daniel Flynn update: out for 9. I'm not angry, I'm disappointed, as I am currently languishing second bottom of the fantasy cricket league.
...
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eng v nz first session

Test cricket, how we have missed you.

Cricket without the bling and cheerleaders.

Plus rain, lots and lots of rain.

I obviously won;t be able to watch all of this series, but i do like to report on the first session of the first series.

The 12 people who braved the English weather to see New Zealand collapse would have been happy, firstly because they were at lords watching the cricket, secondly, they didn’t have to watch David Gower trip over his own tongue for an hour.

Just because you are graceful with a bat, does not mean a microphone will elicit the same results.

Redmund went out without a bang, had I been there, I might have been tempted to yell out nice career.

James Anderson followed up Redmund’s wicket by getting How out.

Anderson was caressing the ball up the slope, every time Anderson gets a wicket a coked up metrosexual runs over a pony.

Sidebottom on the other hand was bowling rubbish at the start.

You could say he has been reading his press, but he doesn’t strike me as a big reader.

Ottis Gibson must have had a word though because he resembled himself later in the session

Ross Taylor came in and instantly set about restoring Bangalores run rate.

He made a good 19 off 20, but a pull shot off Broad went straight up in the air.

KP, sporting an eddie munster style do, gave some more comic relief by ducking a catchable cut shot off James Marshall at gully, then looking around surprised that it had even been hit at him.

James Marshall eventually was put down via Broad and Strauss.

Prince Brendan continued to play his sort of cricket, which is beautiful shots interspersed with straight drives over point.

Flynn is a nuggety sort of batsmen, the sort of chap you’d expect to steal your wallet.

He got bowled around his legs, which isn’t the most positive start to your career.

5 wickets down in the first session.

3 zip to England anyone?...
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how to tell which stooge is writing

A rundown on who writes for cricket with balls, incase you get confused or forget to read the spun by tag.

Updated with new lady blogger.

Miriam

Catch phrase â€" "You know what this post needs, an indifferent cat."

Writing style â€" educated, well thought out, excited, mildy perverted. Uses Grammar, will do anything for a guy with a big dictionary, and generally likes a dot point or two. Occasionally lets her love for certain cricketers permeate her writing .

Cricket Pedigree â€" Played cricket in the dust on holidays in Sri Lanka as a child, but fell in love with the game during the 1990 Lords test v India. Her love of cricket is nothing to do with the men, because in the 1990s the men in question were Gooch, Gatting, etc. Now, feeds the obsession (which was once once described as borderline aspergers) by going to Surrey games, collecting Wisden almanacks and watching literally any cricket on tv.

Favourite Players â€" Piyush Chawla, Shahadat Hossain, Jesse Ryder, any Sri Lankan.

Most Hated Players â€" Hate is a negative destructive emotion, but: South Africans (except for Vernon Philander, whom she would marry for the name), and Matthew Hayden (whom she would not marry for the name even though she likes classical music).

Pet Peeves â€" cricketers with rituals at the crease, because once you notice them there's no un-noticing them. Overuse of emoticons. Unkindness.

Sime

Catchphrase - “the way it used to be”

Writing style â€" considered, well thought out, in depth, makes constant references to Uncle J Rod’s ex girl friends and likes to use………. Instead of one full stop. Bad grammar.

Cricket pedigree â€" front foot player, defensive when compared to dashing players like Bill Lawry or Geoffrey Boycott. Bowls extremely slow right arm off the wrong foot. Worst person to bowl to in backyard cricket, as will leave any ball a fraction away from off stump.

Favourite players â€" Any Australian captain other than Mark Taylor. Sanath Jayasuriya.

Most hated players â€" Any South African, KP, Mark Taylor, Sourav Ganuly, Stephen Fleming. Shane Watson.

Pet peeves â€" People who play across the line, people who he thinks have bad techniques, any captain who isn’t an Australian.

Big daddy

Catch phrase â€" “he’s shitter than Michael kasprowicz”

Writing style â€" passionate, non-linear, writes like he is yelling at the computer, good with a one liner and tries to piss people off.

Cricket Pedigree â€" Leg Spinner, turned the ball a long way, great flight. Worst batsmen in his whole extended family (family known for supplying the tail of many sides). Can play one shot, the cut, plays it no matter where the ball is pitched.

Favourite Players â€" GLENN MCGRATH (bordering on stalking or a man crush, seriously he made me edit this and put his name in capitals) Andrew Symonds, Justin Langer, Stephen Fleming Sachin Tendulkar, Lance Klusenor, Brad Hogg and Shahid Afridi.

Most hated players â€" All South Africans, Arjuna Ranatunga, Chris Cairns, Aravinda de Silva, Michael Kasprowicz, Shoaib Ahktar, Murali, Hansie Cronje, Herschelle Gibbs, Sourav Ganguly, Andrew Strauss, Harbhajan Singh and Sreesanth.

Pet Peeves â€" When Thommo miss pronounces McGrath’s name. When non talented Queensland blowers get picked for Australia, when sub continent players cheat.

Uncle J Rod

Catch phrase â€" “that reminds me of this girl I used to”

Writing style â€" right brain, analogies, talks shit, mentions sex in like every fucking post, Natalie Portman references, too many film references, tries to be funny, quick to anger. Spells names wrong, doesn’t use capitals when he should.

Cricket Pedigree â€" All rounder. Bowled leggies, but they didn’t spin much. Attacking batsmen, thrown away more good starts than he’s had cold beers. Captained and stood at first slip as much as possible.

Favourite Players â€" Ian Harvey, Adam Gilchrist, David Hussey, Wasim Akram, Curtly Ambrose, Bryce McGain, Mushtaq Ahmed, Chris Gayle, Cameron White, Dirk Nannes, Stephen Fleming, Keith Miller and Matthew Elliott.

Most Hated Players â€" Any fucking South Africans, Sourav Ganguly, Brad Hogg, Brad Haddin, Andy Bichel, most New South Welshman, Simon Katich, and Adam Parore.

Pet Peeves â€" Captains who play boring defensive ass cricket to keep their job, spinners who bowl flat, countries trying to play like Australia, the amount of one day cricket, south africans, and the fact Natalie Portman has not slept with me (um, sorry, him). Globalisation, two party democracy, the moral majority, private sectors ruling governments, they way poor nations are used and abused by rich white dudes and the fact that my local bus doesnt stick to the time table. Tony Greig....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

no podcast

Due to technical difficulties this week there will be no podcast.

Sorry to all of you who are grieving....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

IPL bombs

Darren Berry is a tough bastard.

He is built like a pick up truck, carrying a large round pile of hay.

In all the years I saw him play for Victoria I never saw him back down to anyone.

If you were dating his sister, you would make sure she broke up with you.

But right at the moment he is scared, even if he calls it "uncomfortable".

Bombs have gone off in Jaipur, killing up to 80 people.

If this was Pakistan, or Sri Lanka, Warne and Smith would be sipping champagne in first class, a cold beer in business for Watson and Berry.

But India, like England, seems to convince people to stay, even if all logic declares otherwise.

According to the Americans
"The conflict in Jammu and Kashmir, attacks by extreme leftist Naxalites and Maoists in eastern and central India, assaults by ethno-linguistic nationalists in the northeastern states, and terrorist strikes nationwide by Islamic extremists took more than 2,300 lives this year," the agency said.
I am not one for trusting Americans, but if that is right, 2,300 people seems alot to die from terrorism in one year.

Pakistan lost a tour because some one assassinated someone we all know.

Andrew Symond said he was nervous about going there.

But give him a cheque and he is happy to fly just over the boarder where a mere 2,300 non famous people have been killed.

The only cricket ground in the world that has been targeted that i know of is the MCG.

Players continue to travel here.

As they do to London, and as they have to India.

The difference now is that it is happening in the city of Jaipur, home of the Royal Warnes, and Darren Berry certainly seemed to notice.
"It is terrifying. To think I was standing in the exact location the bombs went off only two days ago ... it was a couple of kilometres from the team hotel. The whole country has gone into lockdown."
I know money talks, and I know that is why Pakistan and Sri Lanka struggle to overcome their bomb blasts, but Shane Watson is a contracted Cricket Australia player.

The same cricket Australia who said Pakistan was not for them.

The obvious decision is that they pull young shane home, he is the sort of dude who gets injured thinking about eating Ice Cream.

The IPL has already decided that the next game will be played in Jaipur, not shifted somewhere else, which is one of two things.

1) Arrogant we don't bow down to terrorism crap.

or

2) Money talks realism.

This is going to be an interesting couple of days....
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Preview - First Test, first love

Oh what feeling is this, electricity flows, like the very first kiss.

It's the first Test of the English "summer", people!

Who is excited? I am! I am! Such excitement should, by rights, be unmerited, as this is the 11th out of 19 consecutive fixtures between The Kiwis and The England.
But after all the razzmatazz, shiny helmets, slapping and crying of the last couple of months (and that's just in my private life), the first Test signals such a good feeling that I can't describe it in words. Instead, I will describe it in analogies (which admittedly consist of words). It is like:a chilled glass of white wine after a hot journey home on the tubedriving through Death Valley on a beautiful day, after the bright lights and excess of Las Vegas the hot rush of air as you step off a plane for your summer holidaythe first time you sleep with someone after you've both been anticipating it for monthsthe first sip of coffee, the morning after a heavy night. <p align="justify">As a further celebration of the joyousness of the First Test, I give you some of today's wacky google searches (yes, I know google analytics now; the learning never stops at cricketwithballs):
Jacob Oram wedding [i'd suggest that if you need to google it, you're not invited] my favorite food + sanath jayasuriya [keep your whipped cream fantasies to yourself, googler]does bill lawry like the blackcaps [more one for AQA than google, I'd have thought]shane watson no [no means NO, Shane].<p align="justify">What? you want some actual cricket? Ok. The squads have been announced. Some of you will be pleased, some disappointed (no Rob Key). The England selection: Panesar and Broad are IN, Hoggard is OUT.
<p align="justify">The Kiwi selection: it's still "probable", but Vettori is IN despite a broken finger, probably because I kissed it better for him. The probable selection also includes someone called Daniel Flynn, who I have never heard of but who I had to pick for fantasy cricket as I'd run out of money. So, COME ON DANIEL!
<p align="justify">My updates on this Test will follow the above format, i.e.
analogies (the more tortuous, the better)analytics (wacky google searches)analysis (a bit of actual cricketing stuff)<p align="justify">I am going to stick to this format strictly (or, if you like, anally)*.
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">* I sincerely hope this joke works outside England.
<p align="justify">
...
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Future PM vs Brad

Do the selectors feel the owe Brad Hodge?

They were the people who dropped him after he made a test double century.

Are there lingering feelings regarding this.

Is Merv, protecting his old team mate.

I had always figured selectors had no heart, just a infinite vacuum in their chest.

Maybe I'm wrong, nah, i doubt it.

On form Brad Hodge is not the man who should have been picked to replace Clarke, Future PM David Hussey is.

Hussey average 56 in shield cricket this year, scoring over 1000 first class run and made scores against everyone.

Hodge, by his standards had a poor year. His only big score was against a Queensland line up that lost 3 bowlers mid match.

Until the final he looked patchy at best.

David, Future PM, Hussey however looked in Natalie Portman form all summer.

He could have been stuck inside a floating latex bubble and still made runs.

Every time he came to the wicket when Victoria was in trouble, which was 60% of the time, he made runs.

He dominated all forms of cricket, and I have reason to believe at night he walked the streets and solved crimes.

The only reason I can see that Brad Hodge would be selected ahead of David Hussey would be if Ricky Ponting stomped his foot.

Ricky has always had a soft spot for Hodge, he really does like his moody arrogant number 4 batsman.

But Ricky, I know David isn’t moody, or arrogant, but he has other qualities you may enjoy, like match changing innings, and straight breaks.

Ricky, I know Hodge is your buddy, but David Hussey is the man....
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Stop moaning, start drinking

I've picked up the very slight impression (here, here, here, but NOT here) that a few of you might be the teensiest bit bored of the IPL.

Some might say that a man who is bored of the IPL is bored of life. There's only one sleep [ONE SLEEP PEOPLE!] before a Test starts, so you don't have to wait much longer for the excitement of watching two tailenders scratch out a draw on a wearing fifth day pitch, instead of all these fast-paced colourful fireworks.
Here at cricketwithballs, though, instead of constantly moaning about how bored we are, we make our own entertainment (just like during the war), and there is one sure-fire way to liven up any boring event.
[b]ALCOHOL! [/b]

[b][/b]So, here are some IPL drinking games to get you through. Don't say we never think of you.
[b]1. Drink 1 finger for:[/b] Everytime SRK dances.Every six scored.Every time DLF is mentioned. Every time Pommie Mbwanga says "Jackers".Every occurrence of any of the following phrases: "it's gone the distance", "it's the maximum", "that's out of the park".<p align="justify">For the avoidance of doubt, if all of the above happen in relation to the same shot, that's a finger for each thing.
<p align="justify">[b]2. Drink 2 fingers for the following sightings: [/b]
A player wears a shirt that is manifestly not his, and the cruder the attempt at covering the original owner's name and number, the better. A dugout interview is held in a non-English speaking player's native language, with an English interviewer, but not translated.A commentator interviews a player and confuses which side he is on.Sachin Tendulkar. <p align="justify">[b]3. Down whatever's in your glass when: [/b]
A wicket falls.There is any mention of the orange cap.<p align="justify">[b]4. Everyone in the room must drink a flaming sambuca in the event of: [/b]
A hat-trick.A game won by a last-ball six. <p align="justify">[b]5. A special celebratory bottle of champagne is to be kept on ice and broken out if any of the following happen: [/b]
Misbah finds yet another innovative way of getting out.Microphones pick up evidence of long-held festering grudges ("justice will get you one day Sourav").Anyone adopts the mock slap as their wicket celebration.<p align="justify">
If you're still bored after all that, we may have to resort to Strip IPL.
...
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Three-day cricket is not the answer

The latest idea to revolutionise the county game comes from Jack Simmons, who wants a return to three-day championship cricket in order to make way for more Twenty20. But it is a ridiculous idea.

Few would dispute that standards have risen in recent years with, first, the introduction of four-day cricket and then the introduction of two divisions. While the plethora of Kolpaks is a major irritant, they have, too, helped to raise standards. The best young players are still making their way; it does them no harm that competition for places is sterner than was once the case.

While there are flaws with the county game, the championship is certainly not one of them. The idea to cut back to three-days, while flogging bowlers into the ground with 120-over days, is clearly designed for no reason other than money. The current system is faring commendably in ensuring players who begin in Test cricket are immediately ready - from youngsters like Panesar and Cook to relative stalwarts like Sidebottom.

Simmons' idea is leaden with flaws. Principally, the intensity of the county championship, which many players say has never been higher (certainly in Division One) would clearly suffer. Bowlers could not possibly operate anywhere near full capacity over such long days. Concern would switch from how to dismiss the opposition to maintaining a good over rate. Above all, the county championship would be vastly dissimilar to the model it is meant to mirror. Its number one function should be to prepare future internationals for the Test game. This would be a retrograde step in achieving that goal, and would only serve to devalue the championship.

There could well be scope for increasing the Twenty20 and making county cricket more self-sufficient. However, there are much better ways to do that. Scrapping the Pro40 to make room for more Twenty20, or extending the season into October to allow for both more Twenty20 and rest between games during the season both have much merit. Simmons' suggestion, however, has no merit if England are serious in their intention to become the world's number one Test side.

the matrix explained

Lara Bingle’s father dying is exactly what the Australian cricket team has been waiting for.

Not that Mr Bingle wasn’t a fan of the Australian side, I’m sure he was.

He also probably wasn’t an evil super villain intent on destroying the team, although stranger things have happened.

His death, and Michael Clarke’s family commitments because of his death, means Australia can now reshape the side for the future.

They can now bring in the bowling allrounder.

Why have one if you're not going to use him.

Australia has done pretty damn well without a real all rounder for some time now.

Having two of the all time greats bowling for you means the 5th option is not that important.

Now it’s becoming more and more clear that the 5th option is needed.

With Clarke out of the side, there is no reason why Noffke can’t come in and bat at 7, with Haddin making his debut at 6.

Haddin has the skill to average 40 batting at 6, at least.

Noffke is showing he could also average 40 at 7.

Why not take the punt, at least for one test, while Clarke is busy looking after the missus.

Bringing katich in is the safe and logical option, but what will it prove that we don’t already know.

Katich had his chance at international level and was hopeless for most of it.

He has earnt his spot back into the squad after the best state season a batsman has ever had.

But, his selection is just a bandaid, what I am proposing, and apparently Tim Neilson wants, is an experiment.

Both me and Tim like to experiment, although probably in much different ways.

Noffke is in the form of his life, so if you don't pick him now, you might as well never pick him.

Selectors, I beg of you, leave the Krab on the shelf, we want Ashley Matrix....
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There are more questions than answers

Pictures in my mind that will not show.

Last week, I invited you to ask questions of your new ladyblogger, some of which I would answer on another day. I also promised to ask the text service AQA (63336) the same questions.
It's time, people, for the answers. I have selected five questions to answer.
[b]1. Q: What is my favourite test and why? (from Soulberry)[/b]

A: After prevaricating between two, I have gone for India - Australia in Kolkata, 2001, because it really did have everything. Harbhajan tearing through the Aussies, Laxman and Dravid, an almost incredible result. You've got me thinking all about it again Soulberry; I recently bought a highlights DVD so might spend the next rainy weekend with it, some beers and some snacks. Yes, I really know how to party.
AQA: "AQA's favourite test match is the 1981 Ashes clash at Headingley. England became only the 2nd team in Test Match history to win after following on".

[b]2. Q: Who is the most unattractive cricketer in the world? (from Ceci)[/b]
A: I personally am unattracted to skinny pretty boys especially if I suspect they might love their own reflection a little, so I'm saying Stuart Broad.
AQA: "AQA thinks Ryan Sidebottom is the most unattractive cricketer. However, what he lacks in looks he makes up for in his friendly and funny personality".

[b]3. Q: Was something going on with Kronk and Isma in the Emperor's New Groove? (from Miss Field)[/b]
A: I have absolutely no idea what this means.

AQA: "There was a certain chemistry between the evil Ysma and the subservient Kronk but Kronk was too good for her and was secretly devoted to Mrs Birdwell".

[b]4. Q: Which is better, vegemite or marmite? (from D Charlton)[/b]
A: They are both disgusting, but marmite is marginally less so.

AQA: "Marmite is better than vegemite. The latter is made with more vegetable extract as well as the yeast extract in marmite. Its texture is also thicker".

[b]5. Q: What is my cat called and why? (from D Charlton)[/b]
A: I don't actually have my own cat, although some of my family members have cats.
AQA: I asked AQA "If I had a cat, what should I call them and why?".

Their response: "You should call your cat one of two names, either Jesus (pronounced 'hey-zoos') or Spartacus. Why? Because you will look hilarious when you call him".

For the price of those texts I could have got nicely drunk on a cheap bottle of wine. However, the cat answer made it all worthwhile. Cats and cricketwithballs - FINALLY they meet.

...
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eating marlon

I like Marlon Samuels.

But like the girl you fondled at the back of the pub, the more you know about him, the less likely you are to take him home to your mother.

Firstly he was ruined by the tag promising.

He was promising for so long, people forgot why he was promising, and just figured he’d never make it.

Secondly he is a chucker.

I don’t mean he has a defect in his action that means he bends his arm at release, I mean the dude bowls his quicker ball like a zulu warrior trying to spear some breakfast.

Thirdly he gave John the bookie a few tips on the make up of his team.

Sure he probably said, we are crap, perhaps even, really crap, but giving information to bookies is only ok if you did it before the ICC cared enough to crack down on it.

So now this promising chucking bookie lover is looking at a year off.

Where does this leave the West Indies team?

Statistically I am sure they can cover him, but after watching him in South Africa, I was convinced he was going to jump to the next level.

Now, with the possibility of the sort of holiday that usually has the words minimum security involved, he may never make it.

The Windies cannot afford to lose him, and the WICB, have already been told by Richie Richardson that a suspended sentence is the best way to go.

But the ICC, still angry after redlipgate, will not allow any suspended sentences for a man who gave information to bookies for cash.

Would be a shame if we lose Samuel for a couple, because I doubt we would ever see him again, and when he is switched on he is a delight to watch....
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The worlds 5 most important cricketers

The cricket world is changing, and with that in mind I decided on a list of the players who will shape the next ten years of cricket.

They may not be the best players, or even in the role I think they should be, but they are the ones that will have the most impact on world cricket.

Episode 1 - RP Singh/Ishant Sharma

Ok I cheated all ready and this is the first post, but for the purposes of world cricket this applies to them as a team.

Let me break it down for you.

Batsman set up games, and draw games.

Bowlers win games.

Opening batsman provide the platform.

Opening bowlers try to burn the platform and kill anyone who ever set foot on it.

Over the years India has had every part of a side except arsonistic fast bowlers.

India have produced quite a few champion spinners. Behind them have been quite a few very good spinners.

They have also uncovered an ass full of smokin’ batsman.

Somewhere along the line they even had a bowling all rounder with an outstanding mullet and figures to match.

What they have never produced is a quick bowling team that can destroy batsman anywhere anytime.

Welcome RP Singh and Ishant Sharma.

Their great spinners are brilliant at home and serviceable on the road.

Their batsman are “add your own superlative here” at home, and produce well on the road.

Two quicks win matches.

If you defeat the top order, no matter how good the middle order is, you are setting yourself up for a victory.

Teams don’t win many series when their top 3 all average under 40.

RP Singh and Ishant Sharma are the men who can do that.

RP on his day can make the ball curve like Angelina Jolie in a tight dress.

You can’t take your eyes off it, but you know you can’t have it either.

Ishant Sharma is simply unplayable when he gets it right.

He is the most promising teenage bowler since Waqar pretended to be a teenager.

They are what India has always been missing.

India has always been known as soft on the road, but they have missed what you need to win on the road, they usually have one decent quick, one decent spinner, and a lot of guys who play good cricket on home wickets.

Australia didn’t dominate cricket because of Shane Warne, Murali has proved this, they did it because McGrath, McDermott, Hughes, Fleming, Gillespie and who ever fronted up with the new ball took wickets.

Warne was the pop, the others were the snap and crackle.

India now has a properly balanced cricket team.

RP Singh has proved himself in England and Australia.

Ishant debuted on the toughest tour in the world.

They are both young, hungry and talented, and India has never needed two men as much as it needs these two.

“Ishant, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”...
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New Surrey post

Having teased you with one paragraph-ridden Surrey post on this site, the rest are now going on a different site so as not to clutter the international cosmopolitan Cricketwithballs with such parochiality.

The new post is there now - now! go look! what are you waiting for! - HERE.

It covers the ABSOLUTE SPANKING that Essex administered to Surrey on Sunday. ...
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Telegraph International Fantasy Cricket

The Telegraph are running a free to play International Fantasy Cricket game for the series between England and New Zealand (Tests, ODI's and T20's). It starts on Thursday 15th May (this week)!

I have created a Super League once again:

[b]League Name:[/b] Third Umpire
[b]Password:[/b] international

Once again this is free to play, so sign up and good luck (Ashes 09 tickets available as one of the prizes I believe).

Another game will follow for the South Africa series later in the summer.

Google questions answered

Some googlers have been asking questions.

As usual Uncle J Rod is here to help.

do you have to yours a noked in crcket bat with hard balls?

The Answer to that is no. And also, what?

how did "napoleon einstein" get his name?

His parents gave it to him, after his dad had been at the pub for a very long time.

i want to write for a cricket website and get paid for it

I want Natalie Portman to follow me around with an esky full of kingfishers.

is the end of the world may 11, 2008 or december 21, 2008?

It’s December 21 you idiot, because the 11th of may has passed us by.

what is the meaning of 20-20 cricket?

It’s all about the benjamins.

Hope that clears it up....
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It's Dirk, Dirty Dirk

Those girls, you know em don't you, they think, and who will disagree, that Dirty Dirk Nannes should be the next James Bond.

Personally I think a James Bond with a beard, who scares people by grunting at them, and falls over alot is overdue.

Also cricket buzz have got together a list of the 51 top cricket blogs in the world.

Or there is only 51 cricket blogs in the world.

Go check em out.

Edit, although they did miss Miss Field, so here is her link, to balance out that mistake....
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Championship Review – Week 4

[b]The only thing certain about this year’s Division 1 is its uncertainty. The sun comes out and strangely it’s the bowlers who benefit. In Division 2, Essex march onwards - just.[/b]

[b]Division 1[/b]
Starting with the early pace-setters, [b]Nottinghamshire[/b] as they hosted [b]Kent[/b]. Catches win matches, and Kent took ten of them to bowl Notts out for just 202. Kent were struggling themselves at 109 for 7 Ryan Sidebottom taking four of the top five in his 5-fer. However, useful lower order knocks from Ryan McLaren and Yasir Arafat took the Kent total to 238. McLaren then took six wickets as Notts made 279, Chris Read top scoring with 88. Set 244 to win, Kent were again struggling on 173 for 7 until McLaren and Arafat put on an unbeaten 71 for the final wicket to see them home by three wickets. Notts stay top of the table, but will have a severely weakened bowling attack for the rest of the summer as Sidebottom and Broad go on England duty. Kent climb to 4th and with Rob Key to come back in to the team, this result may kick-start their season.

Wickets galore on the first day at Old Trafford as Durham’s Mark Davies ripped through the [b]Lancashire [/b]team, taking 7 wickets as the home side made just 143 in another instance of ten catches in the innings. This was enough for a first innings lead though as James Anderson and Andrew Flintoff took four wickets apiece in [b]Durham’s [/b]reply of 114. Mark Horton scored a century in Lancashire’s second innings, in a match when the next highest score was just 40, as Lancs made 293. Durham were then skittled again for just 90 with Anderson taking five wickets and Flintoff three as Lancs ran out comfortable winners. I suspect the pitch inspectors may have more to say on this though.

The best bowling performance of the week came at Taunton, where James Tomlinson took eight wickets as [b]Somerset [/b]were bowled out for just 126. Centuries for John Crawley and Kevin Pietersen in a stand of 190 took [b]Hampshire [/b]to 359. By now though, the Taunton pitch was its normal placid self and Marcus Trescothick (151) and Justin Langer (188) put on 272 for the second wicket to allow Somerset to declare on 654 for 6, Zander de Bruyn falling two runs short of his century. Michael Brown scored a century as Hants batted out the match, finishing on 198 for 1.

[b]Division 2[/b]
My two tips for promotion met at Chelmsford, with [b]Middlesex [/b]starting on top, scoring 302, Andrew Strauss making 88 of them and James Middlebrook taking five wickets. [b]Essex [/b]were then bowled out for just 207, with Daniel Evans taking six wickets. Middlesex managed 202 second time round, to set Essex 301 to win. At 202 for 8 a Middlesex win looked certain, but an unbeaten stand of 99 between James Middlebrook (33*) and Chris Wright (71*) against his old club, saw Essex to an unlikely victory and second place behind Warwickshire with a game in hand.

Top of the table [b]Warwickshire [/b]were at [b]Derbyshire [/b]where the home side recovered from 128 for 7 to make 270 in their first innings, Jon Clare and Tom Lungley both making 50s. Jonathan Trott then made a century as Warwickshire made 310 in their first innings. However, as elsewhere, batting got easier as the game progressed and Derbyshire were able to declare their second innings on 417 for 6, with Danish wicket-keeper James Klokker making his maiden century. Warwickshire batted out the time with the loss of just four wickets, for a respectable draw.

[b]England Player watch[/b]
[b]Andrew Strauss[/b] looked in decent form with 88 for Middlesex, while [b]Ian Bell[/b] also looked fluent without getting a big score: 48 and 28. [b]Kevin Pietersen[/b] scored a century in what could be his only county innings of the summer. [b]Paul Collingwood[/b] only managed four runs against Lancashire, although that was four more than [b]Andrew Flintoff [/b]and [b]James Anderson [/b]managed in the same match. [b]Tim Ambrose [/b]scored an unbeaten 34 to continue to fight against the weight of runs being scored by [b]Chris Read [/b]and [b]Matt Prior[/b].

[b]James Anderson[/b] took nine wickets for Lance, and [b]Andrew Flintoff [/b]seven in bowler friendly conditions. Flintoff’s injury make the calls for his recall moot, while Anderson would seem to be in a straight fight with Matthew Hoggard for the final seamers spot. [b]Ryan Sidebottom [/b]took seven wickets for Notts, while [b]Stuart Broad [/b]took the first three wickets of the Kent second innings to open up the possibility of victory.
[b]
Player of the week[/b]
It’s a very tough call this week. [b]Mark Horton [/b]deserves a mention for his century in a game where no-one else scored fifty. [b]James Tomlinson [/b]and [b]Mark Davis [/b]both ran through the opposition in their matches. However, for a first innings fifty to keep his side in the game, taking six wickets in the second innings to ensure they had a gettable target and then scoring an unbeaten 37 to see the victory complete, the Player of the Week is Kent’s [b]Ryan McLaren.[/b]

David Hussey is STILL cooler than you

Long time readers of this site might have noticed that I tend to write positive reports on the Future PM David Hussey.

He makes the runs.

I bring the colour.

But early on in this IPL thingy I was a little worried that he may not perform for me.

He made a score on a dodgy pitch, but other than that, I thought he may play a couple of ok innings and then get sent to boot camp in Queensland.

Luckily he was kept in India to prove the world that I am never very often wrong.

Now he is the 7th highest scoring batsman in the competition, and the 3rd highest international batsman.

I know at least one commenter, Indian I think, has benefited from my David Hussey writings, by telling his mates about him before he bloomed.

That is what I do, I help you impress your friends.

I don’t like to think of myself as a prophet, more an educated guestimator.

Although I also said SOS Marsh was a serious batsman type batsman, and Thornely couldn’t play short bowling.

Maybe I am a prophet, although I prefer to term soothsayer....
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It’s official, no one in Brisbane cares for the IPL.

At a wedding in Mount Tamborine (spelling is correct in New Texas), I enquired of the cricket loving guests, there favourite IPL moment.

“Haven’t watched that shit”

“It’s on too fucken late”

“I don’t get it, what happened to test matches.”

“The grounds are all two feet wide, I could sixes on that shit.”

"Stop touching my penis"

“I watched 12 overs one night, that was enough”.

“It’s rubbish”.

On that response its official, Brisbane hates the IPL, even if all those people were from Melbourne.

Obviously I noticed more about this wedding that cricket alone.

The older gentleman did not like the late nights.

The younger gentleman were pissed, and pissed they couldn’t see the footy/rugby.

The older ladies got drunk and lost their voices.

The younger ladies spewed in the bus.

But the wedding itself was all one big IPL indicator.

Old men do not like this form of the game, as it is not aimed at them, and they don't like much anymore, especially young people (without ties).

Young men love this game, or any game, when they are pissed, but hate to miss it, until they get to pissed to remember they missed it.

Old women like the game, because they get a chance to try out the dance moves, and because they are all kinky biaches.

And young women can’t handle all that entertainment.

Thanks to Miriam for holding down the fort for me....
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A Transcript

Telephone call recorded in Ahmedabad, 9 May 2008
Participants are known only as H and S.

H: Hi babes, how's it going? Is your face better? I'm so sorry again for the slap.
S: It's going fine. And I forgive you for the slap. I'm over the slap and want to move on. Making up after we fought was the sweetest pleasure I've ever known.
H: Same for me too.

S: People still don't really believe we've made up though. Even when we said that we wanted to share a room, they just laughed. Is it time to leak our special video?
H: No, no, no, that's the nuclear option and must be kept only for the most exceptional circumstances.
S: But what else do we have left?
H: What about a special ceremony publicly declaring our feelings each other?
S: Good idea H. We'd better start planning it.

H: We'd walk in together to "My Heart Will Go On".
S: Oh. I was hoping for Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits.
H: It's "My Heart Will Go On" or I'm not doing it.

S: OK, ok, calm down.
H: I'm perfectly calm.
S: Oh let's not fight again baby.

H: Then I thought we'd have a reading. Andrew Symonds could read an exerpt from "The Prophet".
S: Oh, yes, I like that.
H: Then I want to sing "Hurt" by Christina Aguilera, to you.
S: And I'll sing "You're Still The One" by Shania Twain, to you.
H: Then another reading: Ricky Ponting, sonnet 120 - "That you were once unkind befriends me now".

S: Then a song for all present to sing together.
H: "Hit me baby one more time"?
S: That's not funny.
H: Sorry. What about "Hit me with your rhythm stick?"
S: Again, not funny.
H: What about Tom Lehrer's "Masochism Tango"?
S: *cries*
H: FINE. What do you want then? Roy Orbison "Crying"?
S: "Drama" by Erasure.

H: (sigh). Fine. Then, we could convey how we feel for each other through the medium of interpretive dance.

S: We also need to decide on what we wear.
H: I was thinking powder blue Hedi Slimane suits.
S: Excellent call.

H: Well, I think we've pretty much got this wrapped so hang up now S.
S: No you hang up.
H: No you hang up.
S: Let's both hang up at the same time.
H: ok.

(5 seconds pass)

H: You're still there aren't you?
S: Yes. but so are you
H: Right now we really are going (hangs up).
S: Are you still there? Hello? *cries*.

Thanks to commenter "Indian" for the tip off....
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Freddie and the Loopholes

<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">So, Freddie recently reached 87mph.
<p align="justify">Unfortunately this wasn't the speed of a ball coming out of his hand, but his car in a 50mph zone. Happily, a lawyer nicknamed "Mr Loophole" got him off on what I believe is compulsorily described as a "technicality".
<p align="justify">Freddie also wore brown shoes with a pale grey suit, which was the real offence for which he ought to have been charged.
<p align="justify">This got me thinking about whether Mr Loophole could help cricketers on as well as off the field. So, [b]let's take a look at the Laws of Cricket![/b]
<p align="justify">I haven't scrutinised laws this closely since Kasprovic's dismissal in the Edgbaston Ashes test. The Laws are a tightly-drafted piece of work, I'll be the first to admit. There are, though, a few Laws which have not been fully exploited.
<p align="justify">[b]Law 2.7:[/b] The runner shall wear external protective equipment equivalent to that worn by the batsman for whom he runs and shall carry a bat.
<p align="justify">[b]Loophole:[/b] it doesn't specify what kind of bat. The bat blade must be made of wood, and a maximum size is specified, but nothing seems to prohibit a less sprightly runner from carrying a wooden table tennis bat or a mini autograph bat or, if worried about having to bend down to ground it, a normal-sized balsa wood bat. Do it, Rob Key.
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">[b]

Law 25 :[/b] A penalty of one run shall be awarded instantly on the call of Wide ball.
<p align="justify">[b]Loophole:[/b] There's no mention in the Laws of the penalty of Career-Damaging which was imposed on Steve Harmison for a wide. Steve, appeal! This may be the best argument you've got!
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">[b]

Law 40 :[/b] "If by his actions and positioning it is apparent to the umpires that he will not be able to discharge his duties as a wicket-keeper, he shall forfeit ... the right to be recognised as a wicket-keeper".
<p align="justify">[b]Loophole:[/b] Chris Read should have demanded the proper enforcement of this Law against his rivals for the slot, years ago (Although I must say I do like Tiny Tim).
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">[b]

Law 42:[/b] Prohibition on dangerous and unfair bowling.
<p align="justify">[b]Loophole:[/b] If this is seriously intended to address dangerous and unfair bowling such as might trouble the opposition, it presumably means that Dale Steyn is, BY LAW, required to be omitted from the starting XI for the whole of this summer's series against England. Ali Cook, you know he'll have you for breakfast so get Mr Loophole onto this immediately. Also, I'd like my eyeliner back at some point.
<p align="justify">
The Spirit of Cricket is, for these purposes, being conveniently ignored because all's fair in love and law.
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">
<p align="justify">

(Don't forget to post your questions for Miriam. )
...
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Daddy dearest

I love my father.

I really do.

We just had a chat, his knee is playing up and he thinks the IPL is crap.

"I don't even know who is playing, mumbai dragons or some shit".

But as much as I love my father, I'd have to think long and hard about whether I wouldnt play cricket for my country because he was ill.

I wouldn't mention it to him, because I know he'd tell me to stop whinging and go play cricket.

I'll be ok, just go do your job.

If I thought he would die anyday, it might change my thoughts, but if he was just suffering from a degenerate illness, I would think it would cheer him up more if i was playing for my country.

If thats how I feel about my father, I can only assume I would feel the same about my father in law, if i had one.

So to me, Michael Clarke pulling out of a test tour because his father in law has cancer is an amazing act.

I will leave it upto you to decide if he is a hero or a dick.

But I will say this, us Victorians will do anything to get one of ours into a touring squad.

I'm not saying a Victorian purposefully gave Mr Bingle liver cancer, but I'm not not saying it.

All we need now is to get Katich into a drug or kiddie porn scandal and we might actually have a Victorian playing test cricket again.

Obviously I am pissed off that they picked the wrong Victorian, but any Vic in a storm.

Even Brad Hodge....
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Rose Bowl Rocks to Wright!

I was fortunate enough to get a glimpse of the England Lions in action yesterday afternoon against New Zealand at The Rose Bowl. When I turned up England were in trouble at 132-5, but the 34 runs put on since the last wicket represented what was a good partnership so far in the match. Luke Wright was batting with Adil Rashid and I doubt that it will be the last time that these two bat together in England colours. Both are exceedingly promising allrounders, Rashid perhaps more with his leg spin bowling and Wright perhaps more with his explosive batting.

<p align="center">[b]Adil Rashid shows solid defence[/b]

Wright looked every bit a class player as he demonstrated maturity in building a partnership with Rashid. Rashid was more circumspect and watchful, but looked a solid and compact player, who combined solid defence with an ability to work the ball around and manoeuvre the field, a good sign for the future of the ODI side maybe. Wright soon reached his fifty, having punished both Iain O’Brien and Jeetan Patel for erring at times in line and length. He hit three fours off of one particular O’Brien over, the first a blistering cover drive, the second a hefty pull and the third a sublime square cut.

<p align="center">

<p align="center">[b]Luke Wright square cuts for four more off of Iain O'Brien
[/b]
Jacob Oram was brought on for the tourists and immediately looked dangerous. Indeed it was not long before he had Rashid caught well in the covers by Patel, before Graeme Swann was out, in rather silly fashion, playing a rash shot and adjudged lbw. Meanwhile, as partners came and went, next to fall was Tremlett, Wright went about steadily increasing his own scoring rate. His concentration was excellent and he seemed hell bent on getting that all important century. Matthew Hoggard provided an able foil for the Sussex man, getting a few boundaries down to third man and even clipping the spin of Patel to leg a couple of times. Perhaps Hoggy has his eye on the allrounder role, it wouldn’t be a surprise given his determination to get back into that England side (the same can hardly be said of Steve Harmison from recent interviews). So with able support, Wright was able to complete a fantastic century at a strike rate of around 84. Here he is reaching the landmark with a six (he was on 95).

<p align="center">[b]Luke Wright brings up his 100 with a maximum[/b]

That says a lot for the player in my opinion, to have the guts to go for it when he could have just taken singles. He is obviously a confident player who trusts his own ability, which is a key mental attribute at international level.

<p align="center">[b]Wright celebrates with Matthew Hoggard[/b]

Once Hoggard was clean bowled by young Tim Southee, Wright was forced to up the anti. He hit a few more boundaries, including a glorious straight six off of Chris Martin, but the England innings was over when, like Rashid, he was well caught in the covers, smashing another cover drive, this time in the air to Oram. Wright had scored 120 of England’s 280 runs, very impressive, and he had effectively rescued them from embarrassment against a much changed and depleted New Zealand side.

<p align="center">[b]Jacob Oram was impressive with the ball[/b]

So what of the future for Luke Wright. Well, after this showing one can only be impressed. His excellent cameos for England in Twenty20 and ODI cricket appear to be only the cusp of a wave which is set to roll in over the international scene. Granted this was only against a depleted New Zealand side, but the bowling of Oram, Martin, Southee and Patel can not be dismissed as average and the fact that the next highest scorer in the England innings was Michael Carberry, with a painstakingly ground out 42, shows that ball was dominating bat until Wright came to the crease. His batting is undoubtedly his stronger suit, although his bowling has shown signs of improvement this season and who can forget that over which he bowled during the winter to win the game at the death for England? He clearly is a mentally strong cricketer, who is capable of adapting to different situations. He must be utilised lower down the order, rather than as a pinch hitter, as he has now proven that he operates best around number six or seven. Andrew Flintoff, most definitely now a bowling allrounder, could be well complemented in the future by Wright, a batting allrounder.

<p align="center">[b]Luke Wright, 120
[/b]
Watch out for Luke Wright this summer, he is coming and he is coming hard and fast!

Cricketwithballs turns hermaphrodite

Unless Sime or Big Daddy unexpectedly show up, I have the place to myself for a few hours.
I've already been through the drinks cabinet (disappointingly, no wine) underwear drawers (I've been looking for that pink pair everywhere) and the secret stash under the bed (you wouldn't believe even if I told you).
So what next? Given that I've infiltrated cricketwithballs with a few posts already, I thought it was high time I introduced myself properly. Read to the end, because that's where I propose some FUN.
[b]The serious cricket part[/b]

I fell in love with cricket as a teenager, by coming across a test match on tv and getting completely, utterly sucked in. It was a year when stonewashed Levis were the absolute bomb but indigo pairs were beyond the pale, and it was also the brief period in history when curly hair was actually fashionable.
I remember a young big-haired Sachin Tendulkar taking a catch after running halfway round the field, and Kapil Dev hitting four sixes to avoid the follow-on (I didn't even know what the follow-on was).
I remember sitting gripped through every ball of Graham Gooch's 333. I remember the commentator noting that this was a triple nelson, and having absolutely no idea what that meant.
I took breaks and ate food only when the cricketers did.
When my dad came home from work in the evening I'd excitedly report the day's play. I just adored the fact that a test match had intricate detail and a bigger picture at the same time, and I loved the combination of individual skill and combined team performance.
When the first test of that series was over I was very happy when I found out that there were four more to come. My friends thought me a little crazy, but, as I tried to explain to them, what's better than a sport you love lasting for five whole days?
[b]The cricketwithballs part[/b]

I originally thought I'd do one post a week, but exceeded expectations early in a bout of enthusiasm. I hope I don't end up doing a Mohammad Zahid.
As someone apparently keeps looking for this, I may as well deal with it now: there are no pics of me here (emphasis on "here"), and I have never had $ex with any dragons (evil or otherwise) but if made to choose I'd pick the evil one.
[b]The fun, interactive part[/b]

Now for the fun! If you'd like to know anything about your new ladyblogger (within reason) and her take on cricket, [b]put a question in the comments[/b] and I'll answer the best of them another time.
But that's not all! It really isn't!
What I will also do, as a very special treat for you lovely people, is ask the text service AQA the same questions, and post their answers as a (hopefully amusing) counterfoil to my actual answers. What larks, children!
It'll cost me £1 a text, but you can't put a price on fun. ...
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Future PM & Giant Alien LIzard

Last night I watched a little IPL.

8 overs to be exact.

Mostly because 3 Victorians were playing.

Was happy to see Kallis had been dropped from the Royal old dudes.

Was a little confused to see Misbah had also been dropped.

Hodge went out early for Kolkata, but I no mind.

But I did have to watch Ganguly bat with the Future PM David Hussey.

This was an interesting moment in my life.

At one end is the Giant Alien Lizard himself.

At the other end is the David Hussey.

So I watched my love hate partnership.

At times I felt ill.

At times I was erect.

At times I was mildly amused.

And then I fully orgasmed when none other than the big bear Cameron White ran out the Giant Alien Lizard (who has a strike rate of less than a run a ball in the IPL).

With the Giant Alien Lizard out of there Future PM let loose.

For about 3 balls.

2 of them were sixes off Kumble.

The other was the ball he hit to fine leg where there was only one run, and tried to make it two runs.

The third umpire made a terribly correct decision and he was out.

I went to bed content that Future Pm can hit 2 sixes of Kumble, and that he out scored the Giant Alien Lizard.

Later on Cameron White was also starring, and then he got run out.

You’re not playing for Victoria now boys, those sorts of disastrous calamities will not be tolerated....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Tim Campbell Cricket Campbellfield

Can the person who just searched for this, send me an email at cricketwithballs@gmail.com....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Sunil is oscar worthy

What is more important to you?

To be able to speak your mind, and get paid millions of dollars.

Or.

To officially support and work towards improving the game that took you from a no one, to one of the most respected men in your whole country.

That was the question that Sunil Gavaskar was recently asked.

He chose the money and the free speech.

Was he right to do so, I don’t really care.

But I did receive a transcript of the conversation.

Sunil Gavaskar: Are you listenin'?

The Media: Yes!

Sunil Gavaskar: This is what I'm gonna do for you: God bless you guys. But this is what you gonna do for me?

The Media: Yeah, what can I do for you, Sunil? You just tell us what can we do for you?

Sunil Gavaskar: It's something very personal, a very important thing. Hell! It's a family motto. Are you ready guys? I wanna make sure you're ready, brothers. Here it is: Show me the money. SHOW! ME! THE! MONEY! It is such a pleasure to say that! Say it with me one time, Guys.

The Media: Show you the money.

Sunil Gavaskar: No, no. You can do better than that! I want you to say it with meaning! Hey, I got the ICC on the other line I bet they still want me!

The Media: Ye, ye, no, no, no. Show you the money.

Sunil Gavaskar: No! Not show you! Show me the money!

The Media: Show me the money!

Sunil Gavaskar: Yeah! Louder!

The Media: Show me the money!

Sunil Gavaskar: I need to feel you guys!

The Media: Show me the money! Show me the money!

Sunil Gavaskar: I love brown people.

The Media: I love brown people!

Sunil Gavaskar: Who's your motherfucker, guys?

The Media: You're our mother fucker! Show me the money!

Sunil Gavaskar: Uh! Congratulations, I’m still your rent a quote.

Geoffrey Boycott never has to go through this sort of stuff, because the media is the only people who will have him....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

IPL (press snooze now)

I watched 75% of the first game between The Hasselhoffs and the royal old dudes.

That remains to this point the game I have spent the most time actually watching.

All the games are now fusing into to each other like episodes of charmed.

You know you saw something you liked.

You know it appealed to your base instincts.

You know other things happened during the episode as well, but in the end you are left with the vision of Aylssa Milano in a tight top and everything else has faded away.

The games seem over before they begin.

Without the Kiwis and Aussies the league seems a little more stale.

I still can’t remember who is playing for who.

The only time I get excited is when there is a scandal.

There is a game every 15 minutes.

By the time I work out there is a game on, and I turn the telly on the contest is over.

Every team has someone I like, love, hate or despise in them, so you can’t even support the teams properly.

2020 is a quicker form of the game, it even got boring at 10 times the speed one day cricket has.

And I can never remember who the hell I’m supporting (checked my calander today it’s the super duper kings).

Maybe the IPL isn’t for me.

Perhaps I should leave it for the serious cricket correspondents.

And this dude.

From here on in, my IPL coverage shall be phoned in.

If it’s good enough for Robert DeNiro, it’s good enough for me....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Where in the WORLD is Dirty Dirk Nannes?

The other day, a little flyer popped into my letterbox.

MISSING: Dirty Dirk Nannes

LAST SEEN: "Apparently, last seen boarding a plane to Japan to (not) ski ... before fattening his wallet in the UK".

APPEARANCE: Bearded.

REWARD FOR INFORMATION: a photo of Natalie Portman, autographed by Jrod, OR a photo of Jrod, autographed by Natalie, depending on gender of finder.

Well, with a reward like that, how could I not try to win. So, I began my quest to find him.
I understood from my informer, Deep Throat, that he likes falling over a lot. So the first stop was a bouncy castle at a fair.

However, when I described the nature of the mision in order to garner a search party from amongst my fellow detectives, they all said "bearded man frequenting funfairs on his own? Nah, this is specialist stuff luv, you wanna go up to the 5th floor for the people who do that".

Next stop was a CAMRA festival, as he is a bearded man. But when I showed them the picture, they said "Call that a beard? I've seen more convincing beards standing next to Tom Cruise".

Next, I tried walking the street wearing an "I'm Looking For Dirty Dirk" tshirt. Maybe the text was too small or something, but all I got was "right here, baby!". Over and over again. And none of these people were Dirk.
Someone asked me "well where did you leave him?". I did explain that if I knew that, he wouldn’t be lost.
Someone else said "you'll find him in the last place you look, you mark my words!". I did explain that this was the case with any kind of search, as people do not generally continue looking for something after they have found it.
I had nearly given up hope. I'd been around the world (it seemed), but I I I, I couldn't find my Dirty Dirk. This quest was as ill-advised as Gwyneth Paltrow's pink Ralph Lauren Oscar dress.
Then I remembered that when you have lost something and can't find it, you're supposed to look in the place where you least expect to find it. So I tried Middesex's starting XI.
No joy there even.
But on the way out of Lords, in the pouring rain, I almost tripped over a huddled figure seated on the ground wrapped in a blanky. I avoided eye contact, but then he said "spare some change, miss?" and something about the rising intonation at the end of his sentence made me turn round and look, and there he was! I've never been any good at "Name That Bum", but today I'd hit the jackpot.
He said "all I wanted was a game, just a game of cricket". So I gave him a copy of International Cricket Captain 3.

"Oh" he said. "Version 2 is better".

I said "Dirk, Dirk, Dirk. You know what I'm going to say, don't you. Yes, that's right. Someone like you who is destitute in the street asking for a game is not in a position to express a preference as to what kind of game".

Dirty Dirk, if you're out there, come say hello. This is a safe place.

*A HUGE cricketwithballs thank you to Ceci for her brilliant photoshop work.

...
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Breaking news

This is not official yet, but CNN and Fox news are running with it, so I will too.

Ireland’s physio, Iain Knox (also known as Knoxy and vowels) is quiting their national team.

The Irish cricket community has gone into shock.

Children won’t touch their potatoes, and U2’s with or without you has been yanked from all play lists.

Knoxy was obviously well known through out the world, and this decision will shake the very foundations of sport.

He was reticent to leave such an esteemed position, but in the end the allure of working in his families car parts business was too great for him.

This follows a string of high profile departures from the world of cricket.

Bermuda’s assistant media affairs official, Dwayne Phillips, had to step down last week, as the commute was too long.

Namibia’s mental strength guy, Billy Shackles, was killed in a bar brawl with a Mexican named Trejos.

And who can forget Mal Speed getting fired in the red lip gate of recent times.

Cricket is in an upheaval people....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Eyelids yay, dirty dirk oh noes

Victoria is under represented in the County Championship this year, due to the IPL.

But one man is getting the job done game after game, well he’s done it twice.

Darren Eyelids Pattinson.

Having strolled into the Notts line up, when they rest their top guns, eyelids continues to get the wickets.

Why, because he is Vicrorian.

That much is obvious.

While over at Middlesex they seem to be missing a vital ingredient, a Victorian.

Perhaps they should try and get Victoria’s best fast bowler over there to pump up their side.

Oh they have.

THEN WHY IS DIRTY DIRK NANNES NOT PLAYING.

Eyelids is dominating, sort of, and he is a rugged Victorian with an unpolished action.

Well Dirty Dirk is ruggeder and more unpolisheder, than Eyelids, plus he is the main man in Victoria.

We don’t even call Eyelids till Dirty Dirk is half dead and limping.

What makes it worse is that Ed Joyce, former Irish and English player, was once an adopted Victorian.

Sort of.

He played a season for Coburg in which he made no runs, but everyone thought he was a good bloke.

Sorry Ed, but I don’t think your such a good bloke now, leaving out Dirty Dirk.

It’s a disgrace, you should be sent back to Ireland, or Coburg for your sins.

And for those who don't know, i did play with Ed when he played at Coburg.

Yes i really am that cool....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Ol' Stuey

The host of uncorked, Stuart MacGill, has decided to put aside his day job for a while on concentrate on his part time hobby cricket.

What should Australia expect from this ever widening wrist spinner with the aloof smirk who annunciates his words correctly.

He has a knee which can never be fixed.

Earlier this year he played hide and seek with administracrats to film his show.

He is returning from wrist surgery that usually middle aged virginal men have.

And possibly the most important thing about Stuey MacGill is he now happy.

So what can Australia expect of this newer old version of Stuey?

Well sooner rather than later he will celebrate a wicket like he has just gutted a pig, with a spork.

His next wicket will not be celebrated at all, and he will look down at ayone who does celebrate it.

At times he will bowl half trackers and full tosses, he will mix them up with the odd unplayable delivery.

He will bowl a lot of balls short and wide of off stump, some of which will have pitched on the stumps.

When he bats he will miss the ball a lot, back away, scoop the ball, smile at his crapness with the stick and go out.

He will run as fast as he can after balls, while being overtaken by Roy jogging.

Balls that your mother could stop will go through him from time to time.

When he does stop a hard ball, he will have that look that every middle aged dude who does something good on a reality show has.

He will look angry a lot.

He will look mildly amused a lot.

In general, being 37, fatter and more injured than before really won’t change Stuart MacGill on the field.

As he has played like an old unfit dude his whole career....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Championship - Week 3

[b]More damp weather meant just the one positive result this week. However, it was a good week for England wicket-keepers past and present.[/b]

[b]Div 1[/b]
Starting at Headingley where despite the overcast conditions, Darren Gough decided that [b]Yorkshire [/b]should bat first against [b]Nottinghamshire[/b]. Scoring was slow and Ryan Sidebottom started with a run of seven maidens, although no wickets. A century from Jacques Rudolph helped to rescue the Yorkshire innings from 111 for 5 to 299 all out. The Notts innings followed a similar path and they looked to be in trouble at 115 for 5. However, a stands of 136 between Chris Read (142) and Graeme Swann (68) and 113 between Read and Stuart Broad (53) took Notts past 400 and meant that Yorkshire had to bat out 69 overs for a draw, which they managed with 2 wickets to spare, making 187 for 8. Notts take all of the credit though.

Rain meant that the game at Hove turned into a battle for bonus points, with [b]Sussex [/b]making 475. Carl Hopkinson fell 3 runs short of his century, with Murray Goodwin going one run better with 98. In reply [b]Surrey [/b]declared on 400 for 5 (century 99 for Mark Ramprakash). Sussex made 13 in 13 overs in their second innings against the testing bowling of Usman Afzaal and Ali Brown as the game petered out.

[b]Div 2[/b]
[b]Glamorgan [/b]batted first against [b]Gloucestershire[/b], scoring 277. Gloucester then declared on 141 for 4 in an effort to set up a positive result. Some declaration bowling took Glamorgan to 178 for 1 leaving Gloucester a challenging 315 to win. Gloucester lost their first 5 wickets for just 76 runs. A stand of 114 between Hamish Marshall (105) and Stephen Snell (53) gave some hope of securing a draw. However, the veterans of the Glamorgan team, Robert Croft and Jason Gillespie broke through and took the last five wickets for just ten runs and Glamorgan have as many victories in this season’s championship as they managed last time round.

[b]Warwickshire [/b]were indebted to two stands of over 150 in their total of 433 for 8 with Tim Ambrose (156*) and Jonathan Trott (82) putting on 152 for the 5th wicket and Ambrose and Neil Carter (84) putting on 157 for the 8th wicket. In reply [b]Leicestershire [/b]had a large stand of their own, with Matthew Boyce (106) and HD Ackerman (104) putting on 182 for the second wicket. However, from that promising position, Leicester fell away to 357 all out, with Ian Salisbury taking five wickets. Unfortunately the weather meant that the second innings wasn’t started.

Finally to Northampton, where [b]Northamptonshire [/b]capitulated to just 168 all out having decided to bat first. The pitch then seemed to even out somewhat as [b]Worcestershire [/b]declared on 400 for 8, with Stephen Moore continuing his fine start to the season with 109. Needing 233 to make Worcester bat again, Nicky Boje set about trying to get the runs on his own, scoring an unbeaten 226. he had plenty of support though, and the game closed with Northants on 514 for 5.

[b]England Player watch[/b]
[b]Michael Vaughan[/b] wouldn’t have enjoyed Darren Gough’s decision to bat first on a damp Headingley pitch, but his battling 42 and 34 show that he’s in reasonable nick, particularly as the Notts bowling attack is substantially more threatening than the Kiwi attack. [b]Ian Bell[/b] scored 45 for Warwickshire, while [b]Matt Prior[/b] scored 51, which is his lowest first class score of the season. Prior was outshone by his successor, as [b]Tim Ambrose [/b]scored an unbeaten 156, and one of his predecessors as [b]Chris Read [/b]hit 142.

For Notts, in the first innings [b]Ryan Sidebottom [/b]was very tight, starting with seven consecutive maidens but wicketless, while [b]Stuart Broad [/b]was more expensive, but took three wickets, including Vaughan. Both took wickets in the second innings, while their likely partner in the England team, [b]Matthew Hoggard[/b] took two wickets in the Notts innings, but also started with four consecutive maidens. [b]Monty Panesar[/b] went wicketless for Northants.

[b]Player of the Week[/b]
[b]Nicky Boje[/b] has had a good couple of weeks for Northants. However, the stars of the show this week were both wicketkeepers. [b]Tim Ambrose [/b]is almost certain to be in the test team next week and in good form. However, for taking Notts from a position of potential defeat to a position of strength and almost forcing an unlikely victory, the player of the week is the man who should have been the England wicketkeeper since Alec Stewart retired, [b]Chris Read[/b]

royal old dudes sack their non main man

Bangalore were the obvious team to fall apart in the IPL.

They spent too much one on players who are not 2020 players, and then played their non performing players ahead of the only two 2020 players they have.

Their captain, and main selector, is a dinosaur.

I love Rahul Dravid.

Back in his day the boy could bat the house down.

The IPL is long removed from his day.

Now he is a plodder. Not even a probot, he is just a middle order test batsman who refuses to play shots or go out.

But as a one day batsman, or as a 2020 batsman, he is a non event.

As a 2020 captain, he is a disaster.

The team has no vision, no attacking instincts, and are only called a “team” because they all wear the same uniform.

But all this is the fault of whoever picked Dravid as iCON, I’m assuming Vijay Mallya, the owner.

What is Dravid’s fault is the squad selection , Kallis, Jaffer, Kumble, and Chandrepaul.

He picked a squad who could never play against proper 2020 teams.

So that is why Dravid should have been fired before the CEO.

Or dropped.

Cameron White is in the squad, he is the captain of the best 2020 domestic team in the world.

He is also a far better 2020 batsman than Dravid.

The next major mistake was whoever kept Misbah Ul Haq out of the team.

Misbah came into the side late, but the team was already horrible, he had to be the first player picked.

Instead he was kept on the bench for 2 games.

Who made that mistake?

So to recap.

Vijay Mallya, should sell the team for fu©king up in the first place, he should sell it to a Russian mafia billionaire.

Rahul Dravid should step down for not being up to it as captain or batsman, and should retire gracefully, before people remember him as the nervous looking dude who can’t score for hours .

And whoever left Misbah out of the team should be fired, and possibly spanked.

So like all professional sports teams they fired the CEO, who I assume had little to do with any of these mistakes.

Coach, next, manager after that....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

Ashes 2009 - The (long and winding) road to glory

What ho, people? Here at cricketwithballs we like to bring you the news when it's hot and fresh, to be consumed immediately, and absolutely nothing is ever done at the last minute. So, Ashes 2009 coverage starts NOW RIGHT NOW; the (metaphorical) plane (metaphorically) carrying the Ashes is cleared for (metaphorical) departure from Australia, and I'll be keeping an eye out for any and every piece of Ashes 2009 related ephemera from now onwards as the Ashes begin their (metaphorical) journey from Australia to England. Watch as I milk the Extended Metaphor Potential (EMP) of the Ashes journey across the world for all it's worth! Gasp as the Ashes get temporarily held up in Customs! You'll be on the edge of your seats as we find out whether or not the Ashes have been denied entry to the country!
The Ashes itinerary has been announced, and there will be seven (count 'em) one-dayers as well as the five tests. Quite why seven one dayers are needed is beyond me, and it's not as if there won't be any other limited overs international cricket in England next year. Plus, if 50-over cricket were a handbag it would be last year's Anya Hindmarch "I'm Not A Plastic Bag" (yes, I just bagged/handbagged 50-over cricket). The Australian squad will arrive probably at the end of May, before the World Twenty20, and stay until 21 September. That's a long time. I'm sure I'll be sick of the sight of Matthew Hayden by the end of, oh, the warm up game.
Things Australia almost have time to do when they are here:
father a child and attend the birth.design and self-build a house, allow the market to go through two complete cycles, sell it at the end of the tour, will they have made or lost money? who knows! take singing lessons and put on a fully staged performance of Billy Budd.shed their accents entirely.plant a tree, let it bear fruit, pluck said fruit, try to take it back to Australia, have it confiscated on the plane.

Things Australia will not have time to do when they are here:

Be reunited with baggage inevitably lost at Heathrow Terminal 5....
www.cricketwithballs.com "Now with extra juicy Podcast"

FP Trophy Weekly Round-up, Part Two!

[b]We now complete out round-up of FP trophy matches, starting at Old Trafford.[/b]

[b]Lancashire[/b] fans look away now! The [b]Scots[/b] were in town on Monday and they embarrassed the Lightning again, having done so previously in 2007 and 2003. Opting to field, Stuart Law’s side restricted the Saltires to 155-9 from their 50 overs, Andrew Flintoff impressive once again in taking 2-18 from 9 overs. He really seems to be back to somewhere near his best with the ball, if only the same could be said of his batting, but I will return to this momentarily. Steven Croft took 4-24, whilst Kyle Hogg took 2-33. James Anderson meanwhile went wicketless for 33 runs from his 8 overs. Ed Cowan (41) and Colin Smith (35) were the main contributors for the Scots. It looked easy for Lancashire, guess again though. They soon found themselves reduced to 44-7, after terrific bowling from Dewald Nel (3-26), John Blain (2-22) and Craig White (2-34). However, then Kyle Hogg (66) and Luke Sutton (24) offered some gritty resistance. Hogg and Anderson took it to the last over and with Anderson needing four off of the final ball, bowled by Gordon Drummond, they could only scamper a single, which handed Scotland a deserved victory. Returning to Flintoff, who made just 8, and the selectors must really be concerned about whether they can even bat him at seven in International Test Match Cricket. They must already be thinking about using a four man attack, supported by Collingwood and Vaughan. The only question would seem to be over whether Matthew Hoggard or Monty Panesar plays at Lords next week and given their current form it would be hard to pick against Hoggard.

Moving on to Northampton, where [b]Northamptonshire welcomed Ireland[/b]. The Irish were put into bat and struggled to 203-9 from 50 overs, youngster Paul Stirling (70) the stand out performer and one saving grace of the day. Monty Panesar did well with the ball here, taking 3-36 from 9 overs, which will help his England cause. Chasing, the Steelbacks got home with plenty to spare and with just 2 wickets down. It was an Irish boy who did for Ireland ironically, Niall O’Brien scoring 75, while Stephen Peters (103) helped himself to a hundred.

[b]Kent[/b] elected to bat at The Oval and it looked a pretty bad decision by Rob Key (0) initially, as they slipped to 52-4, [b]Surrey's[/b] Pedro Collins showing some lethal swing bowling (4-46). Justin Kemp (63) and Geraint Jones (86) put together a fantastically paced partnership however and allowed Azhar Mahmood (62) and Ryan McLaren (17*) to come in and lauch some fireworks, as the Spitfires totalled 282-7. Surrey never got going in reply as Yasir Arafat (4-35) and an injured Mahmood (1-27) bowled fantastically in tandem up front. Ryan McLaren (5-46) kept up the pressure with career best figures and the Brown Caps were all out for 192, only Jon Batty (63) offering any real resistance. The commentators from Sky seemed particularly impressed with Geraint Jones’ keeping, as well as his batting. Whilst I agree that his keeping is of a far better standard now than it has been, it is still his batting which is of concern. He needs to prove that he is a consistent run scorer once again, as he was dropped in the end ironically for his lack of runs, rather than keeping errors.

[b]Middlesex’s[/b] top order put in a better showing on Monday than on Sunday, but to no avail, as [b]Sussex[/b] still emerged victorious. The Crusaders totalled 273-5, with Ed Joyce (80) and Owais Shah (68) scoring good runs. Andrew Strauss meanwhile hit 26. There were 2 wickets apiece for Michael Yardy (2-36) and James Kirtley (2-59). Sussex got off to good start, Chris Nash (34) and Matt Prior (79) sharing a rapid 70 for the first wicket. Chris Adams then stole the show with 109 not out and he was well supported by Murray Goodwin (44), as Sussex won with two overs to spare.

There was a shortened 23 over game at Edgbaston where [b]Warwickshire elected to field first against Leicestershire[/b]. The Foxes made 148-6 courtesy of cameos from Jacques du Toit (34), James Allenby (32) and Boerta Dippenaar (32). The Bears didn’t get close in reply, subsiding to 103 all out, only Darren Maddy (29) and Tim Ambrose (28) scoring anything of note. Ian Bell made just 3. Ryan Cummins was the pick of the bowlers (3-21) and he was supported ably by Garnett Kruger (2-23), Nadeem Malik (2-20) and Claude Hendersen (2-23).

[b]Glamorgan[/b] visited New Road in another shortened game, but they couldn’t defend their total of 184-4 from 28 overs against [b]Worcestershire[/b], who crossed the line with 9 balls to spare. David Hemp (47), young Tom Maynard (48) and Jamie Dalrymple helped set the target. Simon Jones got through 6 overs which went for 43 runs, as he took a wicket in the process. The Royals reply was led by Vikram Solanki (88*), who carried his bat through the innings. Ben Smith (41) and Stephen Moore (30*) offered the support, while Alex Wharf was the pick of the Glamorgan bowlers (2-37).

Our final match took place at The Riverside, where [b]Durham hosted Yorkshire[/b]. Durham were all out for just 185, Kyle Coetzer top scoring with 61. Phil Mustard scored 26, failing to go on yet again, while Paul Collingwood managed just 2. Darren Gough (3-31) did the major damage, removing Mustard, Collingwood and Neil McKenzie. Richard Pyrah (3-25) and Adil Rashid (2-21) also got in on the wicket taking act. Yorkshire briefly wobbled in reply at 94-3, after Michael Vaughan (22) had fallen after a start yet again. The ever improving Andrew Gale (68 from just 50 balls) and Anthony McGrath (45*) did the bulk of the scoring and Yorkshire avenged last week’s defeat with plenty of overs to spare. Steve Harmison took 3-58 from his 9.4 overs, threatening, but very expensive given the context of the game.

[b]That completes the round-up of the 17 FP Trophy matches this week and so there is just one final matter to address…[/b]

[b]Player of the Week:[/b] I am going to pick five this week based on one performance and give a few honourable mentions to overall performers, given the volume of games on offer. First up is [b]Geraint Jones[/b], whose 86 and partnership with Justin Kemp turned the game at The Oval for Kent against Surrey. He was also splendid behind the stumps, taking one superb catch. Second is [b]Darren Gough [/b]whose key wickets of Mustard, Collingwood and McKenzie against Durham put Yorkshire in charge. Third is [b]James Benning[/b], whose 106 at the top of the Surrey order defeated Middlesex. Fourth is [b]David Hemp [/b]who put in two good performances for Glamorgan, his 95 at Taunton effectively setting up the game for the Dragons. Lastly, [b]Yasir Arafat [/b]excelled in both of his matches for Kent, taking key early wickets and destroying the Surrey top order. Meanwhile, how can I not mention Ryan McLaren’s best bowling figures of 5-46 or Dewald Nel and John Blain, whose new ball bowling partnership did for Lancashire. Finally I must also give honourable mentions to Vikram Solanki, Chris Adams and Chris Benham, who all guided their sides to victory, remaining unbeaten with substantial scores at good run rates.

Boring Boring Surrey

As the English ladyblogger, I'll be bringing you occasional little snippets about the English county season. Today's item tells you all you need to know about Surrey's Friends Provident 50-over game with Kent on Monday 5 May. If you find the post boring, it'll be because I'm trying to give you an accurate impression of the game.

Throughout the day, I kept asking myself this: watching boring cricket is better than being at work, but is it better than being at home? I love cricket, any cricket (this is a person who once subscribed to Zee for a YEAR just to watch one Sri Lanka - Bangladesh test series). But yesterday's game turned out to be one of the more turgid days of cricket that I can remember. Now, the word "turgid" can be used in a few contexts, one of which is potentially exciting, another of which is boring. This was the boring one.

Kent put up a total of 282, which, after a slow start was, to be fair, not turgid. But then Surrey's first few wickets fell very quickly (as did Kent's actually) but Surrey has a much longer tail, so from then on it was all very "stab me with a spoon PLEASE" as the result of the game (Surrey lose by 90) was no longer in any doubt. Sometimes in such matches the English weather colludes to provide interest by adding the extra frisson of the Duckworth-Lewis target, but today Surrey were 100 runs behind the D/L target at the 25 over stage, plus the weather was gorgeous. Bloody English weather, ruining a match again. Although it was nice to be able to bring out my second-nicest Birkenstocks. Not my nicest pair, mind; that's gold and sparkly so was a bit too IPL for yesterday's outfit.

Mark Ramprakash: at the matches I've seen him at this season, he's scored 0 and 5. Ramps, honey, if I'm putting you off, just say so, and I'll stay at home.

The DJ playing music for every boundary was twiddling his thumbs for most of the day. This was no excuse, though, for the repeated cruel taunting of possible England hopefuls Rob Key and Ramps with "Don't stop thinking about tomorrow" and then the line "Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone". He did play "Brown Eyed Girl" a few times, and also a song which is my middle name, and I like to think that both were just for me.

Overseas Player Who Caught My Eye: It was almost Justin Kemp, for playing the same falling-over-doing-the-splits shot twice, and then employing the same move while fielding, but he was pipped by Pedro Collins. I'm definitely voting for Pedro (not least because he's given me yet another idea for a cricket t-shirt). He's called Pedro, and is also the half-brother of Fidel Edwards. He took a respectable 4 - 49 off his 10 overs, and SMASHED his previous FP Trophy high score of one not out by reaching the magical land of double figures plus 100% strike rate with 11 off 11. But he mostly caught my eye by running out to bat at number 11 with a skip and spring in his step. ...
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FP Trophy Weekly Round-up, Part One!

[b]Well, where does one start? With no games called off because of incremental weather there are a whopping seventeen games to review this week![/b]

Starting at the Rose Bowl on Friday with [b]Hampshire vs Somerset[/b]. A cracking game of cricket here, once again demonstrating that the Rose Bowl pitches are ready for Test Match status, even if the access currently is not. Hampshire batted first and racked up 286-4 from their 50 overs, Kevin Pietersen scoring a belligerent fifty (61) on his first appearance of the season. He was joined in reaching that landmark by Michael Lumb (55), John Crawley (51) and Sean Ervine (55), who ended unbeaten with a strike rate of 153. Perhaps after a below par season last year he is returning to the kind of form which made him a key component in the 2005 winning side. To Somerset’s innings and Ervine once again stands out, for the wrong reasons this time however. His 10 overs went for 88 runs, not what was required, although he did dismiss Marcus Trescothick (1). Shane Bond meanwhile limped off after 5 overs and will be out for a few weeks. South African allrounder Zander de Bruyn scored 79, following his 1-56 from 7 overs. The main man was James Hildreth though, who finished unbeaten on 112 from 90 balls. Greg Lamb took 4-47 from 9 overs, while Chris Tremlett (10-1-45-0) and Pietersen (5-0-34-0) both went wicketless.

[b]Derbyshire played host to holders Durham [/b]and emerged victorious, just. The Phantoms scored 236-6 from their 50 overs, Chris Rogers (72) and Steve Stubbings (52) sharing an opening stand of 132. Neil Killeen took 2-21, whilst Gareth Breese ended with 2-50. Paul Collingwood kept up his decent bowling form, taking 1-48 from 9 overs, which will be of interest to the selectors who must decide whether to go into the New Zealand Test series with a four or five man bowling attack. The Dynamos started well with Michael Di Venuto (41) and Phil Mustard (45) sharing 76, Mustard again failing to go on when well placed. Graham Wagg sparked a collapse with 4-35, whilst Charles Langeveldt continued his impressive start to his Derbyshire career, taking 3-44. Ben Harmison (31*) and Neil Killeen (16) took the Dynamos to the brink of victory (235 all out) but Killeen was run out on the final ball, handing victory to Derbyshire by 1 run. Durham seem to have a penchant for the tight game, having narrowly defeated Yorkshire the previous week, and they were to experience another tight game against Lancashire as we shall see. Collingwood scored a slow 25, whilst Steve Harmison bowled 10 harmless overs for 47 runs and no wickets.

To Sunday’s fixtures now. [b]Kent narrowly defeated Sussex [/b]at Hove with one ball to spare. Michael Yardy (50) was the star of the Sussex innings of 245-6. Matt Prior (31) made his lowest score of the season to date, whilst fellow England hopeful, Luke Wright, hit 35 before being run out. Yasir Arafat took 3-58 from 9 overs, whilst Simon Cook was in miserly form, taking 2-25 from his 10 overs. In reply, Rob Key (2) failed to keep up the pressure on the selectors, whilst fellow opener Joe Denly hit a painfully slow 43 from 80 balls. South African’s Martin van Jaarsveld (58) and Justin Kemp (68*) made the difference, whilst fellow countryman Ryan McLaren finished the job (17*). Luke Wright took 3-65 from 10 overs to make him the most successful Shark bowling wise.

There was a rare event indeed at Taunton meanwhile where only 423 runs were scored across the two innings, [b]Somerset losing to Glamorgan[/b]. The Dragons hit 221-7, with Captain David Hemp (95) the only real scorer of note. Alfonso Thomas took 2-43 from 10 overs for the Sabres, whilst Ian Blackwell was tidy with 1-36 from 10 overs. Blackwell, who will be catching the selector’s eyes, and Steffan Jones, each hit 42, but with little contribution from the top order, the Sabres were all out for 202, Alex Wharf (3-42) and Jamie Dalrymple (3-47), two ex-England ODI players, each taking 3 wickets and pushing their cases for inclusion.

The weather played a part at Trent Bridge, where [b]Northamptonshire[/b] could only muster 189-7 from 50 overs, Steven Peters (90) and Lance Klusener (60) the only standouts. Darren Pattinson took 3-39 and is looking like a handy bit of business by the Outlaws. [b]Nottinghamshire[/b] reached 145-4 from 28 overs to claim victory via the Duckworth-Lewis method, Adam Voges ending unbeaten on 42 from 40 balls. Monty Panesar only bowled 2 overs, which went for 17 runs, to continue his less than impressive start to the county season. Will the selectors go to Lord’s with an all seam attack of Flintoff, Hoggard, Sidebottom, Broad and Collingwood I wonder?

It was local derby time at Lord’s where [b]Middlesex hosted Surrey[/b]. The Crusaders top order crumbled to leave them 55-5, Ed Joyce (1), Andrew Strauss (13) and Owais Shah (1) the notable failures. Gareth Berg (65) and wicketkeeper Ben Scott (52 in two parts) gave them something to defend, helped by Tim Murtagh’s late bludgeoning (35). Jade Dernbach (3-44) and Matthew Nicholson (3-37) each took 3 wickets. If England fans were dismayed by the performance of the Middlesex top order, they would have been delighted with the form of James Benning who won the game with a typically belligerent 106 from just 84 balls. Ali Brown chipped in with 40* to end it meanwhile. Berg followed his good batting display with average bowling figures of 1-56 from his 10 overs.

Grace Road bore witness to [b]Leicestershire vs Ireland[/b]. HD Ackerman hit 103 in the Foxes’ total of 251-6 and was ably supported by James Allenby (62). The pick of the Irish bowlers was Thinus Fourie who took 2-45 from 9 overs. Ireland slipped to 68-5 in reply and were indebted to Andrew White (52) and young wicket keeper Gary Wilson (58), who took them close. Garnett Kruger (3-25) and Allenby (4-44) proved too much for them however as they were all out for 212.

[b]Durham[/b] were in action again, this time at home to [b]Lancashire[/b], in a truncated 23 over game. The Dynamos reached 151-7, Michael Di Venuto (66) and Dale Benkenstein (40) the main contributors, while Andrew Flintoff stole the headlines with 2-13 from 5 overs. James Anderson in comparison took 2-40 from 5 overs, while Kyle Hogg took 2-24 from his 5 overs. Should Anderson be in the England side? I personally think not, given his unpredictability and inconsistency. Phil Mustard meanwhile scored only 6. Durham's 151 was not enough and the Lightning won off of the final ball to continue Durham's trend of being involved in tight matches. Mal Loye hit a rapid 58 up front, while replacement overseas signing Mohammad Yousuf scored 32. Andrew Flintoff was snared for just 10 by Paul Collingwood (1-22 from 4 overs), while Steve Harmison took 2-33 from 5 overs.

The Rose Bowl was the place to be this weekend for runs. Having not been able to defend 286 against Somerset on Friday, [b]Hampshire[/b] Captain Nic Pothas elected to bowl first on Sunday when [b]Gloucestershire[/b] were in town. Still short of Dimi Mascarenhas and the injured Shane Bond, the Hawks attacked looked thin and so it proved to be. The Gladiators tallied 350-5 from their 50 overs, a new record for the Rose Bowl. Alex Gidman led the way with 105, while Hamish Marshall (64), Marcus North (85) and Chris Taylor (53) all played their part, Taylor’s knock coming at an incredible strike rate of 230. Billy Taylor took 2-72, whilst England hopeful Chris Tremlett ended with 1-62 from 10 overs. Gulp, game over, go home. Then the rain came, hang on a minute. Duckworth-Lewis came into play and suddenly the Hawks had a revised target of 240 from 30 overs, demonstrating that perhaps Duckworth-Lewis is a little dated in the age of Twenty20 cricket. The new target seemed a lot more gettable and England Lion Michael Carberry (60) set the Hawks on their way. With Kevin Pietersen contributing just a run a ball 23, the Hawks seemed to be in trouble. However, Chris Benham (54*) and Pothas (43) came together to score nearly 100 runs off of the last 10 overs, Benham nearly matching Taylor’s strike rate with his own standing at 200. Greg Lamb hit the winning runs with 3 balls to spare. Steve Kirby took 1-46 from 6 overs for the Gladiators as he looks to keep the selectors interested.

Duckworth-Lewis played a role in the match between [b]Scotland and Derbyshire [/b]as well. Scotland were all out for 169, Navdeep Poonia standing out with 75. Charles Langeveldt took 4-28 from 8.1 overs, while allrounder Jonathan Clare captured 3-39 from 8 overs. Derbyshire won it with 136-4 from 31.4 overs, Chris Rogers the main man with 57. Gordon Drummond (2-27) and Glenn Rogers (2-20) each took 2 wickets for the Saltires, but it wasn’t enough.

[b]Monday’s games to be reviewed soon…![/b]

Harmy is on my team

Those Harmy fans are almost as wacky as he is.

Thanks Ceci....
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Episode 9 - the podcast

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old dudes are struggling

Do you feel sorry for Bangalore?

Or Martin Crowe, whom you might remember from his odd press conferences.

They finally get their line up right.

Cameron White superstar domestic 2020 player in.

Misbah Ul Haq superstar international 2020 player in.

And what happens, ducks.

Lots and lots of ducks.

Jaffer, White, Kallis, Kumar and Khan.

Sort of hard to recover from that.

For me the ducks ran the gamut of my emotions.

Happiness over Jaffer’s duck.

Erectile dysfunction over White’s duck.

Complete and utter satisfaction over Kallis’ duck.

And by the time the other two had gone out I was in bed.

White continued his amazing run of golden ducks.

The Big Bear is part Matthew Hayden and Part Chris Martin (the crap NZ one, not the crap English one) when he goes out to bat.

SOS Marsh continued to batting look easy after all the ducks.

Perhaps the Bangalore Royals, my old team, are jinxed.

They do have 2 South Africans, that is tempting fate isn’t it....
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Of Berg, Benning, Brown & Udal

My only previous match of the season having been the previous FPT fixture between the two at The Oval two weeks beforehand, and with Middlesex having won convincingly, I made my way to Lords yesterday hopeful of revenge as a Surrey supporter. Various journey delays meant I arrived around 20 minutes late but imagine my surprise when taking my seat in the Compton Stand to see that Middlesex were 9-3.
It's not the first time I've missed a raft of early wickets in a match but for this catastrophe to befall Middlesex is, as far as English cricket is concerned, rather disturbing. Let me just remind you of the Middlesex top 5: Joyce, Smith, Shah, Strauss, Morgan. These 5 players are all supposedly either of a high enough standard to have played test cricket or have the potential to do so. Yet between them they contributed 33 runs to Middlesex's grand total of 233-8 in 50 overs yesterday. It was left to South African Gareth Berg(65) and wicket-keeper Ben Scott (52), who was forced to briefly retire hurt midway through his innings, to steady the ship and some nudging by Vernon Philander(24) and some big hits from ex-Surrey man Tim Murtagh(35*) to give them a chance of winning the match.
In complete contrast James Benning won the match for Surrey with a superby 106 off just 84 balls with 15 fours and 2 sixes. Ally Brown, a member of the old guard, finished things off, eventually, with 40* after Usman Afzaal had played a torturous innings of 21 from 44 balls with only 1 four. Unfortunately for Middlesex Gareth Berg's bowling was not quite as good as his batting and, although still in with a shout until around the last 10 overs, the Crusaders just couldn't find the cutting edge. Shaun Udal seems to be in despair of his new team mates (having been used to greater things at Hampshire). He seemed to spend most of his time fielding at third man throwing evil looks at members of the crowd, including myself, for applauding enthusiastically when Surrey scored a run.
That Owais Shah hasn't been given his test match run yet is an injustice but if today showed anything of relevance to England it is that James Benning [b]must[/b] be given the oppurtunity at the top of England's one day order. When he is on top form he can destroy any attack.

t shirts?

As you can see by my cunning use of a question mark, I am thinking of selling cricket with balls t shirts.

If you are interested in your very own piece of cricket with balls, please advise me in the comments and if enough people want them, i will look into production.

Also for you all you sad mofo's on facebook, cricket with balls is there now as well....
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You're so vain; you probably think this post is about you

Those who have been reading the site for a while: first, hello to both of you, and secondly, you may remember a post by The Jrod where he compared test nations to women of his acquaintance. In the interests of equality, it is only fair that I now do the same, because nothing says feminism like a blog post that rates former lovers by comparing them to test cricketing nations.
Unlike Jrod's, my post has men not women, because there haven't been enough women (Mother, if you're reading, that was a joke. In fact the whole post is of course a joke! What men? But seriously, don't read on, anyway go to bed now and let me finish this). The men in question: I should probably apologise to some of you for this post, but be thankful that you were at least memorable enough to make the cut.
So.
[b]Australia[/b]: The oldest, but the most experienced, and remains to this day incredibly hard to beat even on a rare off day both in terms of sheer numbers and technical skills. Arrogant, but (and boy does it kill me to admit it) probably rightfully so. However, much as I admire the total dominance of some of his performances, I remain in hope that he'll be toppled one day by a younger upstart, if only to wipe the smug grin off his face.
[b]Bangladesh[/b]: Has the exuberance of youth, and great potential, but desperately inconsistent and arguably should not even be playing at this level. Still waiting for second meaningful victory, and has almost never managed to build up a significant partnership. In ten years' time he may well turn out to be worth it, but I don't know if any woman has her eyes on the prize enough to take him on now and stick around.
[b]England[/b]: Heyday was back in 2005, and he's been dining out on the promise of a return to that kind of form ever since but without delivering. Reminds me a bit of the Mulberry Roxy handbag - incredibly popular a few years back, but don't plan on it coming back into fashion any time soon and there'll certainly be no second coming as early as 2009.
[b]India[/b]: The most physically attractive, not that I got to see much of him the way that we, um, enough now, but very very special to me. His finest moment remains the famous incident back in 2001 when, faced with stiff opposition from Australia (not at the same time, honestly, get your minds out of the gutter people), he showed remarkable tenacity to come from behind and magnificently turn the turtle in a manner rarely seen before or since. Age is affecting his middle-order leaving it very slightly flabby, but wristwork remains excellent.
[b]New Zealand[/b]: Underrated, with a quiet librarian-esque charm, underneath which lay a second layer of librarian-esque charm, but underneath THAT lay some extremely good all-round skills. Didn't talk the talk as much as I would have liked, though, and had a tendency to collapse at the same point too early in every innings. Rarely good for more than one-dayers / day-nighters.
[b]Pakistan[/b]: You never knew which one you'd get. The passionate, fiery one, channelling all that energy in exactly the right way once the lights were down? Or the sulky one who once refused to play in public just because of something I said (in hindsight I admit a bit hastily), so that by the time he'd made up his mind I'd changed mine?
[b]Sri Lanka[/b]: A worthy runner up to Australia, possessing stylish strokeplay and recordbreaking staying power in equal measure. Suggestions over illegality of certain actions only added to the allure. Australia's consistency keeps him in the lead, but Sri Lanka retains the capacity to compete at the highest level. Also, an honourable man with a decent heart, but could have done with a little more preparedness to play dirty.
[b]South Africa[/b]: Not the most intellectual fellow, and not so great at playing under lights, but on a memorable day-long occasion matched Australia's previous seemingly insurmountable mammoth total with relative ease. His language on the field was definitely not for delicate ears. Some might describe him as a bully, but it was nothing that couldn't be covered by a well-chosen safe word.
[b]West Indies[/b]: The nostalgic "what might have been" who turned out to be clouds in my coffee. Naturally talented, coolly nonchalant demeanour, and with a considerable noble history behind him. Not always prepared to pull together as part of a team, though. Now largely restricted to occasional flashes of individual brilliance.
Some of you may have been worried that the presence of an English ladyblogger might lead to this site taking an unduly refined turn. Rest easy, people. ...
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Player Discussion : Qadir - Pakistan future of spin

Author: spin wizardSubject: Qadir - Pakistan future of spinPosted: 02 May 2008 at 4:24amInteresting enough, I think it's Abdul Qadir son, currently playing in the u15 WC in the caribbean and someone said he's the next Shane Warne and he's already bowling better than Chawla.  Seems some very strong statement from the source but have anyone on here heard or seen anything about the lad?  Zuhair, Green plane???

You said I was your cousin!

Steve Harmison will consider quitting cricket if he is not selected for England again.

I think is speak for a lot of cricket fans the world over when I say,

Fu©k off.

No really, just fu©k off.

Don’t consider, just do it already.

There are a bunch of English bowlers who would play domestic cricket for 15 years just for the chance to play for England.

How hard is it to carry your own bags and take wickets domestically.

Ottis Gibson did it for fu©ksakes. And what is he, like 2000 years old?

Steve Harmison is finished.

He seems to spend more time saying odd things to the press than actually working on his game.

His one unplayable ball followed by 3 wides is no longer tolerated.

Even he is not interested.

"I am 29 now and if I felt my England career was over I would be tempted to say I want to do something different with my life."

But what would you do Harmy?

Fast bowling is the only thing you look like you can do, and you have never really mastered it.

However, given that Harmy has entertained me many times, often unintentionally, I thought I’d help out.

Jobs for Harmy.

Bouncer at a club, you are big and ugly enough.

Wax Statue of yourself at Madame Tussauds, you can go in the 2005 exhibition.

Press Secretary for George Bush.

Pakistani Dictator, being erratic is encouraged.

Or you could play Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men in high schools productions across England.

Freddy will make a good George when he works out his body was not made for non impact sport....
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Warne, ahoy hoy

Ian Chappell is pushing a familiar wagon.

Warne as captain.

Once Ian gets a woody over a girl, it doesn’t matter if she becomes a nun, the man still talks about it about what he thinks it would have been like to bonk her for the next 30 years.

It’s almost as if he doesn’t think repetition is annoying.

It’s almost as if he doesn’t think repetition is annoying.

It’s almost as if he doesn’t think repetition is annoying.

This is one of those occasions where he is right.

Warne would have been a captain and a half.

But did he have to bag all the other boring Victorian captains whilst doing so, our last 3 captains have been pretty adventurous and attacking, it was just the hundred years before that they were a bit boring.

I probably haven’t seen Warne captain as much as say someone from his home town of Hampshire has, but I have seen enough.

The first time I saw Warne captain was for Australia in a one day series against England and Sri Lanka.

The Australian team was good, but it still had some duds in it.

Brendan Julian, Shane Lee and Adam Dale to be exact.

Australia won ten of the eleven games in that series.

And Warne’s captaining was the reason.

The main thing about that series I remember was that when batsmen were hitting balls down to third man for easy singles, he would plug the gap with a 3rd or 4th slip, and let them role the dice, even if it was in the 47th over.

Also like Rajhastan now, he had them up and excited. They thought they could win every game, no matter what happened.

They were a cohesive well oiled machine, that played more like an Aussie rules team than a cricket team.

Then Steve Waugh came back, and he captained his way. Which, whilst being extremely effective in tests, wasn’t really suited to one day cricket, and Australia only won the 99 world cup because Warne, McGrath and Steve were too good when it mattered. The actual team performed terribly in that world cup.

For Victoria, the few times I saw him captain them, his tactics were impressive, but what was most impressive was the way he got players to lift for him.

Ian Harvey was a good player for Victoria, but when he played under Warne, he was Freakin Freddy Flintoff.

Darren berry seemed to only be able to bat when Warne was around.

And a bunch of journey state players stepped up under him time and time again.

The only downside I have noticed over the years is that Warne doesn’t bowl quite as well as captain, but Warne at 90% is usually enough.

What you are now seeing from the Victorian Royals is a combination of that.

Tactics that are baffling the opposition.

A mentality of we can win from anywhere.

The team playing like a footy team, hunting in a pack.

The younger players feeling inspired.

The older players feeling liberated.

And Warne at the helm telling everyone that he is the man.

If only he had kept his dick in his pants, like Keith Miller before him....
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Caribbean Google

Here is one for you wacky google search lovers.

daren ganga cock fuck

And here is one, for whomever

man with big dirks

I'm assuming this is a Middlesex fan looking for dirty dirk....
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He walks among us

Are there any doubters out there?

Any one still doubt why I devote an hour a week to writing about him?

Is there anyone who now does not believe the power of the D Hussey.

He is like grizzly bear with a mouse.

Like a catholic with a cross.

Like a politician with a baby.

Like a porn star with a dildo.

He is in his element when he has pretty much no support from his team mates.

And when the dust fades he is covered in the blood of a thousand bowlers.

What an innings, in a loss....
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my new team, the royal experienced players

I started supporting Bangalore today.

I was in a bad mood anyway.

Bloody Collingwood.

So I thought I might as well get Bangalore out of the way.

Deccan were of no use to me.

Dehli gave me a little sumtin sumtin.

Kings XI Punjab was too much of a mouthful, even with SOS Marsh firing for them.

So I went to Bangalore expecting more disappointment.

Deccan had restricted them to 156, which for a test team posing as a 2020 team is pretty impressive.

It was obviously never going to be enough.

The Chargers had Stryis after all.

But it all went wrong.

Gilly faltered.

Laxman couldn’t hit 5th gear.

Gibbs continued to be a waste of sperm.

Sharma tried in vain to be the man everyone wanted.

Afridi couldn’t stop looking at the cheerleaders.

And even the great Scott Styris failed.

Bangar smacked two sixes of Kumble in the last over.

But fu©k me, it wasn’t enough.

Royals win.

Royals win.

Royal old dudes win.

Wow.

It was surely my influence....
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If it wasn't for arsonists, would we have the ashes?

One of my vigilant readers sent me an email saying:

Not sure if you’d caught up on the fact that Mark Vemuelen is considering a comeback.

Apparently he just wants a couple of matches...

Thanks LG

This caught my eye for two reasons, one he made a great arson related pun.

And two, because it is true.

The man who was deemed too mentally ill to commit arson wants to come back to international cricket.

Ofcourse he hasn’t mentioned that the reason he left international cricket was that Irfan Pathan hit him with a cream pie.

But should we let mentally ill people play cricket.

It’s an interesting question, so I posed it to Andre Nel.

He head butted me.

So I asked Sreesanth, but he ran away naked flicking imaginary rats.

I got hold of Michael Clarke, who said “Narcisscism is not a mental illness you know, it’s a personality disorder”.
From there I contacted Freddy Flintoff, but he couldn’t hear me in his hyperbaric chamber.

I talked to Shoaib, he seemed to really warm to me, I spoke to him for about ten minutes, before he turned to his minder and said “I don’t think this guy has any coke”.
After all that I got hold of Jesse Ryder.
“Fu©ked if I know mate, can you hold that Tequila for me, my hand is fu©ken killing me”....
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Future PM gets it done

The MCG are fixing their pitch for next year.

Why?

Because David Hussey said so.

From what I can tell, this is how it happened.

The Future PM walked down Brunton Ave, in fact walked is not the correct term, he commandeered Brunton Ave as his excessive talent made every passer by weep.

He was resplendent in his navy blue uniform and bushranger apparel, women, and some men, had multiple orgasms at the sight of him.

When he finally arrived at the great ground, it was if the G itself bowed to him, and it owned up for him like a whore to a gunslinger.

He entered gate two, because a) he was wearing a collar, and b) he is David Hussey and he can enter anything or anyone he pleases.

He sauntered towards the reception desk, the little garden gnome looking man, who never smiles, got off his stool, put down his bar code reading device thingy and licked at his sprigs as he passed, our hero did not pause.

He swiped around his battle weary GM until an MCG official, one with a special clipboard, ran over.

“Child I need not introduce myself.

Child, I grow weary of the grass you prepare me.

The grass must be changed child.

A man such as I, should not have to ply his trade on a dung heap.

A man such as I, should play on a pitch made of the finest pearls, with Diamonds for stumps and those little red stones for bails.

A man such as I, should not even have to come down here and tell you of this.

A man such as I, demands, satisfaction.

Child, you know that when I speak, it is as if the Gods themselves have spoken to you.

You shall fix the turf, you shall right the wrongs, you shall end this blight on this wonderful city.

And you shall do it now my child.

For I, am David Hussey, Future PM.”

Then a puff of smoke, the sound of manly wings flapping and he was gone.

True story....
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royal old dudes again

Eye of the tiger, with Tony Grieg's commentary, from God's mouth to your ears.

Jacques Kallis in slow mo.

An odd long still shot of Cameron white in Victorian shirt.

And just for fun a shot of Steve Bucknor calling for the third umpire.

Goes for about 7 days.

Verdict, it may be crap, but no other official videos have Cameron White in them wearing a Victorian shirt....
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The (Glamorgan) Dragons Breathe Again

[b]A few pics from Day 4 of Glamorgan's 114 run win over Gloucestershire at Bristol (02/05/08).[/b]

<p align="center">North c Wood b Wharf 0
<p align="center">

Declaration bowling

<p align="center">Jason Gillespie in action

<p align="center"> Wharf to North

SRK and his master plan

"There's never a low for me. I can never feel low. There are times when my son (Aryan) runs a race but doesn't come first. I've myself lost races. I've made flops but that doesn't take anything away from life. It's not that I like losing, though... I don't and my team doesn't like losing either."

Shah Rukh Khan, Kolkata's team-owner and Bollywood superstar, talking about the Hasselhoffs.

OK, SRK, here is a tip for you.

I understand in India the name Aryan has been popular for years.

I think it means, son of a bollywood star.

But, and here is the tip, if you name your son Aryan, don't go mentioning the word "race" whilst talking about him.

People, especially us easily offended westerners, may get the wrong idea.

And you may also start to receive calls from the Nazi party.

Or the Republicans....
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Ian Van Damme

Ian Harvey was a pretty hand all rounder back in his day.

The Australian's never found a spot for him.

But in county cricket and Shield cricket he was the man.

People never really took him seriously though.

And these days most people wouldn't even know where he is, or what he was doing.

I do, because he is the freak, and I saw him do things on a cricket field that no amount of cheap whiskey will ever erase from me.

Sort of like Jean Claude Van Damme.

My Audio Engineer for the podcasts, Captain Purple, purposefully cut his eyebrowe like Van Damme's when he was a child....
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Welcome to the future

Welcome to the future, Welcome to the future..

Get into the new speed (Rohit Sharma), Get into the enemy(Shaun Marsh)...

Mass communication (IPL)

So what's the occupation? (Blogger) (what's your dedication? (5AM))

Welcome to the future, Welcome to the future...

Talking about the old times (tests), Scared about the new times (2020)...

Does anybody know you?(not yet) (will anybody need you? (you bet)),

Can anybody please you?(afridi?) (does anybody have to? (IPL)),

Welcome to the future, Straight into to the future

OK I'm not sure why i picked that, but i copied it down at 5amski, and at the time it seemed really relevant.

Now, not so much.

But what i was trying to say is, Sharma and Marsh looked the shizzle last night.

Sharma held up his batting order, and then he he just made al the turns as well.

Shaun Marsh played such a rock steady innings that you would have to doubt he had any nerves coming in.

Sharma, and i thought this during the one day series in Australia, has to be a permenant member of India's one day make up.

Him Gotham City Gambhir and Uthappa are the real deal.

Shaun Marsh has surprised me a little, it wasn't that long ago he couldn't get a full time gig in WA.

And he liked the booze a little.

Now he looks like a ready made opener at international level.

It will be interesting to see whether Australia opts with him or Hopes at the top of the order in the Caribbean....
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Welcome to the past

A very intelligent man once said "There's no fighting in the war Room".

Think about it.

Getting international athletes to sign spirit of cricket waivers is nonsense.

Warne would sell his soul to win a cricket game.

Ganguly probably already has.

They had a tiff.

But Ganguly went out next over, so it doesn't matter who was right or wrong, scoreboard says Ganguly out, Hasselhoffs lose.

Spirit of cricket my anus.

The only thing Warne knows about cricket is how to win at it.

The only thing Ganguly knows about cricket, is that it has made him famous.

If this is a real competition, and the players are playing like it is.

Then players like Warne and Ganguly aren't gonna play nice.

They are gonna play hard, to the death, because they don't like losing.

Just as it should be.

Sorry IPL if the game of cricket gets in the way of the cheerleaders, but cricketers are competitors, mostly, and this is what they do.

But now it's over lads.

Warne, you sledged him, and he fell for it.

Ganguly, you're out, you lost.

Pick up your hand bags ladies, we don't need any more slaps in the IPL....
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5:16am

I just finished watcing the extreemly delayed telecast of Shaun Marsh destroy Deccan.

The Kings Punjab, my mob, fianlly put Geoffreys boy out on the ground and he took complete control.

I have always said the kid can bat, read here, but I wasn't sure he was ready.

He is ready.

How ready, ready ready.

Yeah.

I recently trotted over to Well Pitched to tell them the boy can bat.

And he can.

He bat's really good.

Really.

His backfoot shots were amazing.

I saw him hold WA together against the Vics this year, but this was different, this was an innings of complete control.

There are other things that happened in the game, but none of them matter at 5:16 in the AM.

They can wait till this afternoon....
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Miriam speaks from the top of the hill

Quite a few of you have asked for it, so here it is.

Miriam's first ever post (on this site).

Hard though it is to imagine in these Sreesanth-slapping, Bollywood-star-hugging times, the northern hemisphere Test season is starting soon, and we may (only may) start to remember what Dravid and Chanderpaul are for.

Now, according to the pundits, this sedate, classy, Chanel-and-Valentino form of cricket is feeling threatened by the new lady on the block, the sexy, filthy dirty Cavalli-and-Fendi twentysomething with the bright coloured clothes and celebrity friends.

However much we tell test cricket that we love her and will remain true to her no matter how many miniskirted commando cheerleaders stand directly in our line of vision, test cricket is worried.

But like all the best makeovers, test cricket can learn from its younger rival, add a few new tricks to her repertoire to maintain the excitement for the tens of new fans attracted by the brash newcomer, and become, if you like, the third wife that topples the trophy wife. Here are the ways that the IPL can give test cricket a face lift:

A special cap to be worn by someone coming in on a pair. A special piece of black cloth (there should still be some hanging around, for want of a better phrase, in judges' chambers in England) for the umpires to wear on their head when a batsman faces a hat trick ball. Fireworks, cheerleaders and music for each maiden over blocked out. A bit of bling: shiny shiny silver pads. These could also double up as a mirror for Stuart Broad. The Miss World candidates from the test nations to be required to attend all games, to give the camera something to go to after each blocked-out maiden over, and also to give the ladies something to do when they're not campaigning for world peace.An actual crown to be placed on the head of Man of the Match. The players to be miked up, but the producers can ONLY go to them at crucial moments, for example when batting in the nineties or bowling a hat trick ball. An auction so that each country has a maximum spend. Australia will struggle because of the higher prices placed on their players, but Bangladesh will thrive as they can afford to pick the all best players in their country, a strategy which has of course served them very well in the test arena to date. This should also lead to fewer one-sided matches, so satisfying the test purists too. If a team overspends, they have to handicap themselves in some way. For example, have one fielder in diving gear, or have [INSERT NAME OF USELESS PLAYER OF YOUR CHOICE] on their team. An obligatory over 35s former stars quota. Here Australia will be just fine, but Bangladesh are in real trouble.An obligatory quota of players to be picked from the team who usually plays at that particular test ground. Finally, Bryce McGain and Ramps get their moment in the sun. The players won't like it, I hear you say? Don’t forget the final innovation to be imported from the IPL: the money....
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Old dudes and a pretty girl

A lot of money went into the Bangalore team.

No real thought though.

This video is quite similar.

Song is boring and repetitive, the singer is trying her best, but her best is not good enough.

Too many shots of old dudes, be it, the players or the owner.

It seems to go on for 5 days, which was probably to make the players more comfortable.

Someone gave the sound mixer free range to put as many stupid sounds over the top as possible.

Verdict - no thanks.

Thanks to Well Pitched and their new facebook page for this....
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