Sri Lanka Triumphs For Living Legends

The dead rubber between Australia and Sri Lanka at the MCG has inspired me to return to the 'Cricket With Balls' blogging crease once again.

Adam Gilchrist's never ending national retirement tour hogged the headlines with his final appearance at the hallowed MCG. Gilchrist didn't fail to let down his legion of fans with a typical commanding display, which should have been match winning. He may have put aside team goals in pursuit of an Australian record for the fastest century? You be the judge?

The wicket of Hopes with the score at 107 triggered a spectacular, quite unbelievable collapse resulting in the lose of 5 wickets for 8 runs as the Sri Lankans rallied for two living legends of their own in Sanath Jayasuriya and Murali. The Aussies never recovered despite the determined effort of the lastest Allan Border medallist, Brett Lee. Murali bowled an inspired second spell following an earlier pasting from Gilchrist.

Clearly the highlight of the game came in the 49th over when Jayasuriya was thrown the ball for his first over of the innings, with Australia needing 14. Jayasuriya delivered one of his trademark darts, a little shorter than usual, that crashed into Lee's stumps to deliver Sri Lanka with a shock come from behind win and crown his final visit to these shores. A mighty cricketing moment indeed.

Earlier, in great scenes of sportsmanship and respect, both sides formed guards of honor for each of the above mentioned players when they came out to bat. Jayasuriya and Murali have been pivotal in shaping the success of Sri Lankan cricket from minnow status to forces in both forms of the game with the obvious career highlight being the 1996 World Cup victory. Both players have changed the game forever with their individual styles of play and have raised the bar of performance to another level.

As for Gilly and the forgetten Brad Hogg, they will have another chance to leave the game on a high with the One Day series finals beginning on Sunday. Hopefully, they can both contribute to Australia going one better than they did tonight, against the Indianswww.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

not a good week to be a BBM

Not a good week for fat boys.

Firstly Badonkadonk Ryder cuts up his hand whilst trying to have a p1ss.

Then junior boof Mark Cosgrove gets dropped for bad form and bad shape by South Australia.

He was less than impressed with being dropped, and even less so that weight was mentioned to the press, even though it was not advised to him.

But Mark lets be honest, you haven’t made a cracker this year.

Dizzy Gillespie and Manou have out batted you.

The only runs you’ve got this year, is the after mac crap.

Regardless of your weight, you have been in sh1t form, and the minute a fat man fails, they are gonna get rid of him quicker than a slim lined version.

Because you are costing them a fortune in catering bills.

If you make a thousand runs a year, they will pay for the extra extra extra large uniforms without flinching.

But until then you’re an expendable fatty.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

White ball demons red ball angels

Cricket ball physiology is not a speciality of mine.

In Australia we used to play with Platypus balls, that swung a lot, but had no seam, and now we use Kookaburra which have a bit more seam, don’t swing much and go out of shape.

I have heard that duke balls are used in England and seem to dance a fair bit, but that is where my knowledge ends.

What I do know is that white balls and red balls have different personalities, and there seems to be a growing amount of bowlers who are legends with a white ball and chumps with a red ball.

Here is my top 5.

Nathan Bracken, Australia’s best female cricketer, and also Australia’s smartest one day bowler. In the top 5 one day bowlers in the world, and yet would need about 7 bowlers to fall ill or die in order to get his go at test level, why, because he is horrible with the red ball.

One day average 22, test average 40.

Agit Agarkar, can anyone believe he has had a career, I assume his selection was based on the fact Saschin likes having him in the change room. One day wise though the man is an animal, whether he gets wickets jut because people laugh at him is debatable, but you can’t argue with results, but you can take the p1ss out of his ears.

One day average 27, test average 47.

James Anderson, no one seems to hoop a white ball around as much as James Anderson. He bowls so well with the white ball, he has convinced himself he has some talent as a cricketer. Unfortunately as long as his @ss points to the ground he will never make a real test match bowler.

One day average 28, test average 39.

Mitchell Johnson, with a white ball in his hand he is a fiery demon from hell looking for Angels to obliterate. With a red ball he is a non issue most of the time, because you can’t reach his average delivery.

One day average 22, test average 32.

Lasith Malinga, has been around the scene for a while, but even though he has taken the odd bag of wickets in test cricket, his real value has been as a One day bowler. The last world cup he was a force to be reckoned with, but since then in tests he has just been ok.

One day average 25, test average 33.

Stuart Clark, Ntini, Harmison and Steyn are all the in the opposite camp.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

fine their organs

When I’m not pushing bandwagons for Bryce or getting people to sign David Hussey petitions, I’m trying to bring in a radical new punishment for slow over rates.

Castration.

Any captain whose over rates are horrid, should be castrated.

Ricky, Anil, Daniel, all of them, there should be no exceptions, even little Ashraful, who may not have even used his organ yet.

The latest captain to be fined for slow over rates is Graeme Smith.

He lost 30% of his match fee, because his side had a shocking over rate against Bangladesh.

It took forever to set fields against Bangladesh.

Bangladesh.

The same Bangladesh that made less than 380 runs in the match.

How could these fields take to long to set?

Did I mention it was Bangladesh?

South Africa were only in the field for 120 overs.

4 sessions, and they still went over.

Castration should be the minimum punishment for this indiscretion.

And in the case of Graeme Smith, it’s also a public service initiative for future generations.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

the push for nice bryce

Now that others have joined the Bryce McGain campaign, it is really gathering momentum.

As alot of you can see (limp David Hussey petition), my word doesn't seem to do much.

But I am like Lenin, that russian dude, my words inspire others to reach out and take back what they deserve.

So if I'm Lenin, then that makes SK Warne Stalin, as he has publicly stated that CWB's Nice Bryce McGain is ready for international cricket. (Moses thanks for the link).

To that Bryce says "I was born ready".

If Warne says it, it happens, except for anything not related to cricket.

In the same article Gilly and Kerry O'Keefe jump on the Bryce bandwagon (that i designed).

Also while perusing the internet on snippets on the great man, whilst often being redirected to my own site, I found out that Bryce now has a Wikipedia entry.

So with Stalin (Warne), Lenin (me), Jesus (Gilly), Buddha (k'ok) and God (Wikipedia) on his side, how can he lose?www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

they're both right

Let’s just start this properly.

Harbhajan Singh is an obnoxious weed (little or otherwise).

Matthew Hayden is one of the most disliked figures in the game (the word pr1ck comes to mind).

So they are both right.

I don’t think there are many non Indian fans that think Harbhajan is a good bloke, he is a sh1t stirrer and a mouth, and if he played a contact sport, he would be regularly taken down.

Hayden is well known for being a smug flat track bully (although he’s pretty good on most tracks) who sledges like a retarded toddler. Yet again outside of Australia, especially in the republique, he is not well loved.

Both of these men are religious guys.

Now I’m not in any way saying this is what makes them both pricks, but….

Harbhajan is a Sikh, and shares the name of one another Sikh, Harbhajan Singh Yogi.

Now I’ve always liked Sikhs, but I like swords. Not enough religions have swords. And this Yogi fellow seems pretty cool, he was against nuclear bombs, was for inter faith togetherness, and liked yoga.

Cricket’s Harbhajan Singh, has never spoken up on nuclear war, has not performed inter faith work in Atlanta and has not started any major yoga groups.

Matthew Hayden likes Jesus, or as he calls him, Christ.

In this interview, he says, “I ask myself what would Christ be doing in this situation?”.

My question to you Haydos is, would Jesus have gone on radio and said, “"It's been a bit of a long battle with Harbhajan. The first time I met him, he was the same little obnoxious weed that he is now.”

Since I believe in Jesus as much as I believe in Santa, it is hard for me to know, so I went to askmoses.com and asked them. But Moses wanted to talk about Jesus not being the messiah.

Then I went to ask-jesus.org, but Jesus has a crap website, so that didn’t work either.

I guess questions like this are not mean to be answered.

But if you want the truth about existence go to rael.org.

If you just want guidance, do what I do.

WWGD.

What Would Gilly Do?www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Strauss' recall defies logic

There is something palpably wrong with a cricket team when a batsmen can underperform for two years, culminating in going 25 innings without hitting a century, is then dropped before being recalled for doing precisely nothing. Yet that is exactly what has happened to Andrew Strauss.

After a disastrous run in the one-day side, for which he averaged 19 in his last 14 games, Strauss was dispensed with after the World Cup. He was then dropped form the Test side for the tour of Sri Lanka, a man who appeared mentally fatigued and, more worryingly, someones whose minimalist style of play had been worked out by opponents, who starved him of width outside of off-stump. Unable to score prolifically through the V, Strauss appeared a man whose time at international level was up. While he had enjoyed outstanding initial success, he was a player who had been worked out by international bowlers. It takes an excellent player to score 10 Test hundreds, clearly; but to recall him based on past successes, totally ignoring his form, is ridiculous.

Since the 3rd Test last summer, Strauss has not been a man reinvigorated by a break from his international career. Rather, his domestic struggles have been painful. Towards the end of the 2007 season, he could barely score a run for his county finishing with an average some 37 runs behind Owais Shah. For Northern Districts in the decidedly modest standard of Kiwi domestic cricket, he hit a century in his final game, but his overall average was 26. In short, all Strauss has done since his last Test is add to the feeling his time as an international cricketer is up. What justification did England have for picking him on this tour?

None whatsoever - except he was a 'safe pair of hands' at slip and, more significantly, he possessed a central contract. That was clear a big mistake. But two wrongs do not make a right. The favoritism borders on the absurd. In England's first tour game, Strauss scored a painstaking 25-ball four, while his rival for a spot in the side - Shah - hit 96. The perpetual fall guy of English cricket, Shah was inexplicably left out for Ravi Bopara in Sri Lanka and faces similarly unjust treatment here.

Because he has become a member of the 'inner circle' and despite the fact his recent form is atrocious, Strauss will almost certainly play in the first Test. He will bat at three - it is a wise move to allow the Cook-Vaughan partnership to develop; but a bewildering one to play a man out of his normal position when he is in such dire form. Recalling Strauss evokes the worst loyalty of the Duncan Fletcher era and suggestions that reputation counts for more than not just 'short-term' performances - but failings over 18 months. It is a selection decision which totally ignores any conventions of picking on meritocracy. What must the best batsman in England and consummate number three - Mark Ramprakash - be thinking?

Army of One

CWB’s Own Nice Bryce McGain is one step closer to victory over the army of skeletons.

Spinners are falling down all around him.

The two young South Australian’s are almost irrelevant. “Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts?”

The great Shane Warne has left the building. “Get offa me, ya crazy bitch!”

Brad Hogg has personal issues. “It’s a trick, get an Axe”

And Stuey MacGill has retired, he just doesn’t know it yet. “Well hello Mr fancy Pants”

So Bryce is pretty much the only one left.

And that got me thinking of Army of Darkness.

Perhaps because Bryce would look great with a chain saw as a hand.

Or maybe because look the poster says,

Bryce is trapped by time (he’ll be 48 next year).

Bryce is surrounded by evil (the selectors and NSWales).

Bryce is low on gas (not enough beans).

Bryce was initially mistaken for an old dude, but he was soon revealed as the prophesised saviour who can quest for a leggie, a delivery which can dispel the evil.

He may not have a chain saw as a hand, a chin made of granite or make snappy quips during action scenes, but Bryce is ready to fight the minions of darkness.

There is no one left Bryce, please use your 20th century wits to save us from the deadites.

And feel free to throw in the odd “Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!” from time to time.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

the tongue is gone

Like in Ichi the Killer or Oldboy, the tongue has been cut off, by its owner.

This time however it has nothing to do with honour or having slept with ones daughter.

Or has it….

Brad Hogg has sited personal issues and “things he has to sort out at home” as his reasons for falling on his tongue.

Apparently his wife is pregnant. (Insert Michael Slater Joke Here)

There are also rumours of him signing with the ICL.

I’m assuming as a mascot.

Brad Hogg was upset at having to leave the game, but in leaving he has strengthened Australia’s test bowling line up.

With Stuey obviously finished, and Brad leaving, they both need new careers, and being the caring fellow I am, I think I have them covered.

They should move into a flat on the gold coast and film a soft core porn mobile TV show called Spinners gone wild. Stuey can perform tricks with a bottle of red, and Brad does all sorts of tricks with his tongue.

Perhaps I should write about the career of Brad Hogg.

He was selected as part of the experimental Chinaman scheme that was started by Harold Holt. Michael Bevan and Simon the Krab Katich were also picked under this scheme.

He was thrown into a tour of India because no one else wanted to be embarrassed, and then was picked again when Shane Warne was a drug cheat.

Having a career as an understudy (behind Shane) to the understudy (behind Stuey) would have bothered most men, but Brad Hogg never seemed to notice.

He was just happy to be thought of as a cricketer (by selectors).

As a one day cricketer he was serviceable, and occasionally better than that, he had the amazing skill to look like he was balling badly and still take wickets.

As a test cricketer he was a train wreck.

You have to respect him for getting the most out of so little, I don’t, but you should. I would say that there has never been a spinner with less guile who has had a career this long, so that is something.

George Bradley Hogg (no relation to the great Victorian speedster Rodney Hogg) you have had a career, good on ya.

But thank fu©k your gone.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

the mad scientists legacy

Sportsfreak take a stab at encapsulating their ex captain, whilst quoting the Suave one and yours truly.

Stephen Fleming, enigma. The most graceful batsman of his generation by a mile, yet the inescapable view is that he could have achieved more. A frustration that is heightened further by the fact he has been pushed out around 3 years too early.

The base stats are well-known. 43 half-centuries with only 9 centuries which is a lamentable conversion rate. Yet when he did reach 3 figures he was close on unstoppable. 3 of those innings were converted into double centuries; he had an average in those innings of 226.

He started his international career running with a tail-wind, and the feeling was that New Zealand had found the obvious replacement for the then semi-crippled Martin Crowe. But in retrospect the early signs were there. In both his test and ODI debuts he was dismissed for scores in the 90s.

It was 3 years before the elusive test century, but that did not prove to be the watershed people had expected; the batting contradictions just kept piling up.

UK cricket blog Republique Cricket pointed out some of many inconsistencies on his batting.

“The other strange thing about Fleming vs. Sri Lanka, was that he averaged over 100 in Sri Lanka, but 33 at home, which is quite bewildering.”

The Sri Lanka angle continues, which is not surprising given the avalanche of series between the 2 countries throughout the duration of his career. He rightly rates the 274* in Colombo as one of the great innings of all time, and contrasts that with the fact he was to go on to become Vaas’s bunny. The fallowing over to one side and being trapped plumb in front is another Fleming legend.

His batting was clearly hampered by so often having to cover for those around him. For a large part of the latter segment of his career he took over opening, due to a combination of a lack of quality openers and a log-jam in the middle order. Captains of past years would have played the seniority card and stuck to their favoured position, but Captain Fleming led from the front. Bradman would roll in his grave at such a style of captaincy.

This prevented his average rising through the 40s, and meant that he lost a lot of the natural freedom from earlier in his career. Less renowned as an ODI batsman, he still played NZ’s finest innings in that form of the game in gunning down Donald and co in a World Cup match at Fortress Wanderers.

But it is for his captaincy that he will be mainly remembered. He was our youngest ever captain; thrown the role as a stop-gap measure following some outstandingly bitchy years of conflict between Crowe, Howarth, Rutherford, Turner, Germon, Cairns and Parore, and even Danny Morrison with each of these people seeking absolute power in some modern low-rent Shakespearean plot. There were some pretty dominant personalities in this list, encompassing, in no particular order, perfectionists, spoilt brats, a player with delusions of grandeur, another with a massive chip on the shoulder, a puppet and a drunk. This was one massive mess to take over for a 23 year-old.

It was initially assumed he was just the front man for the spoilt brat brigade, but along with Rixon, soon stamped his style on things. And after Rixon departed, he took more control of things and carved out an impressive legacy, especially considering the lack of resources he usually had to battle with.

Nowhere was this better summed up than at Cricket with Balls where he is even compared to Noam Chomsky. Although we can not recall if Fleming ever told Kim Hill to f-off on live TV.

“I wish there were more captains like Fleming, he captained like a mad scientist, rather than the McDonald’s Managers most captains are.”

The apex of his captaincy career was during the Australia tour of 2001/02. This was a tour that saw Australia come within a few blind pieces of umpiring from a Zimbabwean umpire to winning a series on Australian soil. He had some luck; rain in the games where NZ struggled, but he maintained an attacking and innovative approach throughout, helped by the fact he suddenly had an attacking bowler at his disposal.

He used the full range of tricks here; declaring after just scraping past the follow-on mark to force S Waugh’s hand, packing half the team in Martyn’s favourite area (Martyn was never the same again) and getting Adam Parore to annoy everyone by blocking during a run “chase” thereby eliminating the home side and becoming a real hero in Perth.

Not only did he pick a tactic that was going to wind the locals up, but he got the most irritating person in the team to do it. That is true genius. But we always said he was more Australian than the Aussies themselves

As for his batting, he will probably go down as the best ever #5 New Zealand never had.

To read Sportsfreak's latest post, a vicious anti sledging vitriol, click here.
www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

rupert backs roy

The Herald Sun and about 82 other papers in Australia are owned by Rupert Murdoch.

Rupert used to be an australian, like Mel Gibson and Germaine Greer, but he renounced is strayaness for greener bills.

Now he owns the world, helps foreign superpowers and makes alot of money off the Simpsons.

But back home, his newspapers continue on without him.

But in a surprising twist, now his newspapers are attacking Cricket Australia.

Being that Cricket Australia is a dictatorship, not naziesque, more reminiscent of the Congo in the 70's, it is odd that Rupert's papers would have a problem with that.

Then the paper says that it refuses to print up articles that have been ghost written by cricket administracrats (they didn't use that exact word).

They prefer the articles to be ghost written by their own people.

They go further by saying that Cricket Australia apply spin doctoring and half truths.

All this from a Murdoch paper.

It is very important that on the matter of Cricket his papers remain fair and balanced.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

OBO of Allan Border Medal

Night starts off bad, as father and I have to convince mother to watch some crappy reality show in another room.

Mark Nicholas starts with a message about Rianna Ponting’s bun in the oven. Strangely no Michael Slater jokes. But Mark Nicholas does look radiant.

Gilly tributes start early with Ponting and Nicholas eager to out do each other.

Channel nine changes tact and puts in a quick quiz to the players on what the ten modes of dismissal are, I got nine, bloody hitting the ball twice got me.

Sri Lanka test series highlights forget to mention King Kumar's innings, I get the feeling this is not going to be a night about cricket, but just about Channel 9 and Australian cricket.

India test series highlights had only the slightest bastard monkey references.

Sri Lanka series is so not important that no one bothers to read them out, India series is so important Mark Taylor’s expert oral skills and brought out.

The test player of the year (in a year of 6 home tests) is Brett Lee. Brad Hogg very unlucky to miss out.

Blonde Bimbo count is high, people sucking up to Gilly much higher.

Amazing that Mark Nicholas can still stand and talk, all the blood is rushing to his trousers at the moment.

They pretend to talk about cricket ads, but instead get some great plugs for Valvoline and Ford into the show. Bet that’s cheaper than the superbowl ads.

Roy gets interviewed and is still the funniest Australian cricketer, but that’s like being the sexiest Spice girl.

Roy And HG (not theAndrew Symonds Roy) give us some comedy. They get off to a slow start, but there are enough jokes in there, and they give a retrospective AB medal to John Glesson the one fingered mysterious bowler.

Channel 9 gave Kerry Packer and Tony Greig a tribute in the guise of World Series cricket. Max Walker and Len Pascoe come out well.

More Gilly sucking up, he gets on stage and even he seems to think it’s too much. Then Richie trots out to give him an empty wine bottle for being so good. It is encrusted not with jewels but with the Channel 9 logo. Would get upwards of 50 bucks on ebay.

An hour into the coverage and we have looked at 6 tests.

Australia’s one day losses to England and New Zealand are glossed over expertly, with world cup games against Scotland given more coverage.

Luke Pomersbach gets Bradman young player of the year award, he looks soberish.

Lisa Sthalekar got female player of the year award for the second year running. Heard her speak recently, she speaks very very well, much better than pretty much any male player. Also I feel she is rather attractive. Wonder if she is gay or taken.

Ashley Matrix got state player of the year. Only a nut job could argue anyone else has had a better year, that nut job being my father mentioning David Hussey.

The rogue traders took to the stage. We filmed them 2 weeks ago as they played a gig to 30 people. Now they're playing to a couple of million punters, and they still suck.

Quick segment on the bollywood cricket film. I have heard the director talk about it, and the film doesn’t sound like its going to be good, but I could be biased cause I think most Bollywood films are sh1t. And most Australian films for that matter.

Being that this is shown live on Fox Sports Brendan Julian and his 4oo dollar hair cut get a run on the main stage.

Fast major controversy as Matt Hayden wins one day player of the year and kisses Gilly’s wife. Still no Slater jokes.

I stand by my pre world cup comments, that Hayden is just not a good one day player and shouldn’t be in the side. I think this last year has vindicated that call.

George Giffen was promoted to the hall of fame, he used to kill Victoria, so we hate him.

Ian Healy was also put in, he received some sort of sh1t stained wooden trophy.

Mark Nicholas takes 3 minutes out of our lives to explain how the Allan Border medal voting system works, just hand it out already.

And the winner is Brett Lee.

Fair effort for someone who missed a butt load of one dayers.

The real winner is Mitchell Johnson, his girl is extraordinary.

Mark Nicholas finishes the night with one last lick at the anal passage of Australian Cricket.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Stuey - it's time

Lets be honest old fella, you've had a hell of a run.

Literate types don't often play for Australia, so well done.

How many cricketers pick a woman with brains and looks, kudos to you.

Getting 200 wickets as an understudy is an exceptional effort, your parents must be proud.

Now though you have a great career path mapped out with this wine company.

Your missus must make a nice packet, so you won't be out on the street for a while.

But this bowling caper, it isn't for a refined man like you, you've evolved, your more of an after dinner speaker and wine sniffer these days.

Bowling leg spin takes a modicum of physical fitness.

It takes joints that are still capable of carrying your constantly bulging girth.

Cricket takes commitment, not to lifestyle programs, but to training.

After all, Leg Spinning is a brutal artform, and if you aren't in gladiatorial shape, you best leave it to a young man.

Like Cricket With Balls Own Nice Bryce McGain.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Sydney = sooks & bullies

I think I’ve worked out exactly what is wrong with Australia Vs India relations.

Sydney.

The test series was fine, then Sydney came along, Australia started claiming one hand one bouncers, Bucknor found out Roy was his long lost son, Anil Kumble lost his frame of reference, Bhaji and Roy danced orally and Ishant Sharma “accidentally” got his gloves confused.

Then world war three started, it was like a particularly bad Bollywood film, without songs, pretty girls, terrible acting or happy endings.

Finally when bastard monkeys and Ricky Ponting's honour was no longer in question we started playing cricket in other states.

The BCCI decided that the tour could continue, and the test series was completed.

Then Sri Lanka came out, no one could make runs, everyone except the batsmen seemed quite happy.

Then a meaningless one dayer in Sydney was played.

Dhoni used illegal gloves, Sharma asked Roy to gently fu©k off and the Australians are bullies again.

I don’t blame Dhoni for using illegal gloves.

I don’t blame Sharma for losing the plot.

And I don’t blame the Aussies for sledging until the Indian’s got caught retaliating.

I blame Sydney.

Not the BCCi and their sooky lala behaviour.

Not Andrew Symonds and his well bowled mates.

Sydney, it can take non sooks and non bullies and make them Indians and Australians.

Tony Greig lives there.

Think of all the people who have been to Sydney and died, Kurt Cobain, John Lennon and Burt Reynolds.

Also Tom Cruise likes Sydney.

The defence rests your honour.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Why do you hate Jacques?

On the back of jacques getting voted the most hated probot and him taking away the kittens ball of wool in Mirpur, I thought I would delve deep into the psyche of the man.

I have always suspected there was something wrong with Jacques Kallis.

No I don’t mean because he is dopey and boring, I mean something deeply wrong, even more so than just being South African.

He is almost universally hated, take out Ganguly, Smith and Ponting and he is probably the most despised person in world cricket.

But the other guys in this list have an excuse, they've been captains.

Jacques is just a player.

He hardly gives press conferences, which is lucky otherwise he would be even less popular.

According to some people he is the best South African player since apartied.

So he is better than a match fixer, a red head and one sh1t hot fast bowler.

Aside from Donald it's like me saying I'm better looking than Kamran Akmal.

But why do we all hate him?

Do we think he is evil? Even more so than the usual South African.

Is it because he seems like an arrogant pr1ck, because if thats the case, no one would like any Australians.

Could it be that his 4 foot wide of off stump out swingers seem to get way more wickets than they are supposed to. He isn't the first bowler to do that.

Perhaps it's cause he looks lazy, and like he doesn't try, but Mark Waugh and David Gower were similar.

He's not the only ugly smug pr1ck with a hot girl, so I doubt thats it.

It can't just be cause he is good, cause lots of good players are liked by people, even South Africans.

Being a boring twat doesn't mean that people don't like you, infact for some people it means a great career in the media.

I think it's his face, I assume if I saw him in a pub, I'd wanna headbutt him.

Also he looks like an SS officer for the Nazis.

I don’t know how you feel, but I’m not a big fan of the Nazis.

Why do you hate Jacques?www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

killing kittens in kitchens

South Africa are evil.

Some may say they are evil dragons, but evil dragons are not this arrogant.

The poor Bangladeshi kittens tried hard this week, (not as hard as their dodgy curator did) and Shadadaadat took a bunch of wickets to make South Africa nervous.

South Africa are not nervous now, they are sitting in a hot tub with various models of suspect intelligence, sipping on overpriced beers and telling each other what great blokes they are.

In December they lost a home test to the Windies, now they have been bundled out cheaply by Bangladesh.

It would seem to all intelligent people that the minnows have them worried.

This has not always been the case, in the past if the South Africans were playing with a minnow type kitten, they would take off their military boot and smash its pretty little skull in.

Then they would clean the boot, put it back on and leave a puddle of kitten brains and blood all over the kitchen floor.

In recent times, they seem to wanna play with the kitten for a while, see what makes it tick, tease it, make it think it might survive, and then give it an overdose of rat poison in its evening meal.

You may think the boot idea is brutal, but at least the kitten doesn’t suffer for long and kitchen floors are easily cleaned.

The rat poison death means the poor kitten thinks it has a chance of survival until it starts to cough up blood and think about everything it has not achieved in its adorably cute little life.

So I put it to you, Mr and Mrs Intelligent person, that they, the evil South Africans, are not worried by the minnows, but have simply found a better way to torture small animals.

The Evil Dragons would be appalled at this behaviour.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

who let the dogs out

The final Kerry Packer Series has been great.

Everyone is failing, everyone is blaming the pitches, the bowlers are killing all the so called cream of the crop and 200 is a great score.

Then what happens, Sydney decided to use the magical pitch, the one where David Hussey made a hundred off 8 balls, and all this magic gets transferred to the rest of the batsmen.

The Aliens leave Pontings head, and he starts to play on drives like they are the new black.

Hayden finds Jesus, or Jesus finds Hayden, either way he makes runs and looks like a bully again.

Roy leaves the bank for the day, and everyone remembers why he got a kabbillion rupees.

All this woke up Uthappa as well, but Sehwag & Sachin kept sleeping, because Sachin is old, and Sehwag looks older than him.

What did all this add upto, a game where over 600 runs were scored, shocking.

Just when I was thinking we could get a whole series without anyone making a big score, now every one will do it and this will be the same ol bore fest, 340 plays 330, that every one day series has.

Woe is me.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

the bet

In some sort of weird sick demented game, David Hussey (Future PM) has bet with a Melbourne Murdoch journalist he won’t make the Australian side this summer.

Who bets against themselves.

Other than the English and bored Australian cricketers.

What is Hussey doing, while you and I and celebrities and a hundred other folks sign petitions, he bets against himself after single handedly propping up the Victorian side for the thousandth time this year.

David, I don't mind you being humble, or even the bad example you are setting the kiddies by gambling, but at least pretend to have a bit of faith in yourself.

Mind you I bet he wins the bet.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

petitions and PM's

Some of you may be aware of the David Hussey petition.

It's only stuttering along, poor david may have to get selected of his own volition because of you apathetic monkey bastards.

Anyhoo, before the petition to get him selected I tried to make him PM.

That didn't work either.

But over at Cricket Action Art they have mocked up the picture for the Lodge should Future Pm ever get elected.

You will notice that he is already wearing a shirt that says PM on it. Some may say this is because he is playing in the Prime Ministers XI, but you and I know better.

Australian Prime Ministers have a fine tradition of bowling part time off spinners.

www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

a new hope

I have mentioned James Hopes and his great ways of getting out.

Let us look at the last 3 ways he has gone out.

Whilst making the top order look like Valium addicts, Hopes was all over the Indians at Radelaide.

Then he danced down the wicket to a Bhaji doosra, missed it and was so surprised he dropped his bat and was stumped.

6/10.

Facing Murali and looking for quick runs is hardly amusing. Missing a ball whilst slogging over mid wicket is par for the course, but taking off for a single whilst the wicket keeper is still holding the ball is a little out of the ordinary.

Could possibly be the easiest stumping Kumar has ever completed.

9/10.

Batsmen often get run out from deflections back to the bowlers, but usually they at least turn around and try and get back into the crease. King Probot smacked the ball straight back to Harbhajan, who stopped it pretty well, turned and took the bails off.

Hopes however may not have seen any of this as he was still running towards the other end for a quick run out.

8/10.

This man should be picked for comical relief alone.

I ask you, was Shane Watson ever funny (on the field).www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Bust a nut big man

The love affair may be over before it started.

Badonkadonk Ryder has injured himself in a nasty bar room brawl with a toilet door.

The door made no comment on the incident.

He will need surgery to reconstruct his finger, 3 months in a padded cell and a skin graft.

No jokes about where they will find any excess skin for said graft should be entertained.

The incident happened at 5am, so there is a fair chance his night was just warming up and that he was sober.

The toilet door, 24 of Christchurch, was accidentally locked, and Ryder desperately needed to drain a kidney after all the lemonades he had been consuming.

Sprite have also declined to comment.

The NZ cricket board are upset at the incident, although unnamed sources are just happy that no players signed up to the ICL overnight or got caught with weed.

Jesse has been under a lot of pressure recently, he was heard to say only days ago “Ya know it’s hard out here for a pimp, with a whole lotta b1tches jumpin ship”.

Shane Bond and the Marshall boys had no comment either.

The Kiwi administracrats must be worried with Ryder, he seems to have way too much personality to play cricket for New Zealand, and this kind of unruly behaviour is usually only tolerated in Rugby players.

The ICL however have downgraded their offer to Ryder from 400,000 a year to 300,000 a year, but a promotional deal with Cuervo has been struck up for Ryder in Goa, so that should lessen his pain.

It is the cricket public who will really suffer, with Ryder’s 3 month absence, Peter Fulton or Lou Vincent may come back, and that is a pain far worse than putting your hand through a window.

So far unsubstantiated reports have stated that Darren Lehmann and Shane Warne have gone over the set the boy straight.

Jesse's Parents were overheard to say, that's all he needs.

The team at Sportsfreak are all over this.

Like Jesse on a chicken wing.

That was unnecessary. www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Byrce - the wizard of oz

The game was a final.

The game going, going, g……

Victoria had fallen apart with the bat, David Hussey aside.

Dirty Dirk, Clinton and Harwood had done everything in their power, but the rain, and the circumstances were saying the game was over.

The score had got to 5/109 chasing 131.

I aint no mathematician, but I’d say that’s about 21 runs short.

Cameron had lost a bunch of overs from his quicks thanks to Duckylewis.

Bryce was the only front liner left, and he hadn’t bowled an over yet.

Victorian leg spinners have a good record under pressure in finals, well one of them does.

Read full story here.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

England Lions Tour Review

For fans angered by England's poor displays in their last Test and ODI Series, the England Lions' recently completed tour of India provided a few encouraging signs. However, in the Duleep Trophy, after winning their opening game England collapsed meekly on the final day of their second match when the final was in their sights. They then won two of their three limited-overs games.

Michael Carberry's career has frequently promised much but he now appears to be realising his potential. After averaging 50 in first-class cricket last season, he struck centuries in both the Duleep Trophy and a one-day game. If he has a successful time opening in the Friends Provident Trophy group stages, he could earn a ODI callback as an aggressive opening batsman. At 27, he is entering his prime years.

Of the other batsmen, captain Mike Yardy hit a big century in the Duleep Trophy but is palpably not international class, while Jonathan Trott did little of note and the great hope Joe Denly struggled. However, Ed Joyce, so impressive in scoring 107 against Australia last year, reminded the selectors of his talents. Overall though this was probably not the best batting line-up England could muster of those not involved with the national side. Rob Key and Ed Smith, both of whom would have been better as captains than Yardy, given that they have greater class and more chance of featuring internationally.

The great England wicket-keeper debate shows no sign of abating, but James Foster endured a miserable tour with the bat which will end his short-term hopes of playing another Test.

With the ball, the veteran Alan Richardson was impeccable, claiming six wickets in his only first-class match, before being unfairly dropped for Liam Plunkett, and doing well in the one-dayers too. However, as he is near 33 it is unlikely he will be called upon, barring a severe injury crisis. Plunkett was most disappointing, and was outshone by Durham team-mate Graham Onions. Onions took 7-39 in a heroic display in the one-dayer England lost and, for want of other options, has a chance of winning a ODI debut next season.

The tour's big winner, however, was Adil Rashid. With six wickets at 18 in the Duleep Trophy, he outbowled Monty Panesar. His batting was fantastic; he displayed tremendous maturity in both forms of the game. For the first time in his career, Rashid made significant strides in the limited-overs game and how England would love him in their ODI side come the 2011 World Cup.

England Ratings

Here is how England's players rated in their disappointing 3-1 series defeat to New Zealand:

[b]Alastair Cook 6[/b]
For the second consecutive series, Cook finished as England's top run-scorer. He appears to be going in the right direction as a one-day player but an inability to score a steady stream of singles mean doubts still abound. His 70-ball 42 on the final game bordered on the excruciating; while his 69 in game four, scored at a strike-rate of just 78 despite the perfect batting conditions, was also indicative of his limitations.

[b]Phil Mustard 6[/b]
Mustard's 83 in the fourth game showed he has real promise as a pinch hitter - but he too often flatters to deceive, and was out to an aberrant slog in the final game. Encouragingly, his keeping was generally excellent - though, typically amongst English keepers, he disappointed with the gloves after making his top score.

[b]Ian Bell 6[/b]
Yet again, the feeling is Bell too often fails to assert himself for an international number three. His 70, before being unjustly given out, was sublime, but he must improve his consistency. At least his strike-rate - 80 in this series - has markedly improved in the last year.

[b]Kevin Pietersen 6[/b]
Pietersen's average - 33 - and strike-rate - 73 - were both disappointing. In 20 ODIs since the World Cup, he has averaged just 31 - though they were tentative signs if improvement, England need to work out why.

[b]Paul Collingwood 8[/b]
In games three and four, Collingwood played two brilliant innings which should banish, once and for all, the misconception that he is a 'nurdler'. His bowling and captaincy were fairly impressive too.

[b]Owais Shah 4[/b]
A very disappointing series, which showed Shah is less-than-comfortable attacking from ball one. His talent is beyond question, however, and it would be well worth giving him the chance to open, as he has for Middlesex.

[b]Ravi Bopara 2[/b]
Looked out-of-his depth and desperately bereft of confidence. How much he has been over-hyped for one valiant, but ultimately futile, innings a year ago.

[b]Graeme Swann 2
[/b]Unceremoniously discarded after two poor games - though it would never be easy defending such meagre totals - and should have played towards the end of the series, given the excellence of his displays in Sri Lanka.[b]
[/b]
[b][/b][b]Stuart Broad 7[/b]
Undoubtedly on an upward curve, Broad twice took three wickets in an innings but also suffered from bowling too short at times. But, especially given his batting aptitude - 52 runs for once out in this series - he has established himself as a key member of the limited-overs side.

[b]Ryan Sidebottom 7[/b]
Now an indispensable member of the side, Sidebottom is the sole bowler with a full grasp of the virtues of line-and-length. That should not detract from his other qualities, however, and his spell with the old-ball in the fifth game was an example of pacey reverse-swing at its best.

[b]James Anderson 2[/b]
Enough is enough. Anderson consistently bowls too many loose deliveries, allowing New Zealand's openers to get off to explosive starts - unacceptable in a side playing only three specialist bowlers. His series stats say it all: four wickets at an average of 67 and an egregious economy of 7.3 will

Dimitri Mascarenhas 6
There was a major clamour for his inclusion after his superb Twenty20 performances. 29* of 12 balls in the fifth game illustrated why; but, not benefiting from an apparent lack of confidence from his captain, his 14 overs cost 93. If he cannot consistently deliver 10 overs for 50, even his amazing propensity for clearing the ropes may not be enough to claim a regular spot.

Luke Wright 8
Wright's showing was, in many ways, the most encouraging of any England player. He hit the ball hard and far, scoring 71 in the 47 balls he faced, but his clean-striking suggests a highly encouraging talent - for now, however, he should not be brought back up to open, where he failed ignominiously in the Twenty20 World Cup. And his last over in game four suggests a temperament well-suited to international cricket, and real potential as a fifth bowler.

[b]The Verdict[/b]
After twice thrashing New Zealand in the Twenty20 games, this was a humbling series indeed for England. Their batting collapsed pathetically in the first two games, while their policy of including only three front-line bowlers is not sustainable. A more flexible batting order is another area England must work on: too often they lack adaptability in games, though Collingwood's use of Shah with the ball showed they can think on their feet. England's one-day side is considerably better off than when they were humbled by the West Indies - but it is very much a work in progress.

Victoria lose to a Victorian

Cricket is a cruel mistress.

And not in the cool whipping you kind of way.

She all but takes you to the the promise land, and then Travis the turtle Birt (former Victorian no hoper) gets an edge for 3.

I feel hollow inside, if Natalie Portman were in front of me right now, naked with a bottle of Canadian club, I couldn’t muster up the energy to have a drink, let alone avail myself of her nakedness.

Do you understand the depth of my sorrow.

Losing a game of cricket happens.

Losing a final against Tasmania happens (occasionally).

Losing a final against Tasmania when they are 9 wickets down and Byrce McGain is spinning a web of destruction at the other end does not just fu©ken happen.

Victoria decided on not batting in this game, David Hussey (sign the petition) aside.

For full post read here. www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Roy minus spunk equals dud

Andrew Symonds is on very shaky ground. He has lost his spunk, his mojo or his get-go. In my opinion he is either a one-day player or a test player, he can't do both.

In starting his innings' in test cricket he is looking as timid as a Michael Kasprowicz yorker. He is poking around at the crease playing un-Symonds like strokes - the end result is very ordinary dismissals.

The worst part is that he has transferred this over to the one-day arena. Some of his shots in this tri-series against India and SL have been as ugly as seeing Kathy Bates come out of the bath in About Schmidt, ewwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!

Roy, make a decision, play either test or one day cricket. Ideally you are a one-day player - voted in the best Aussie 11 since odi's started, so stick at it, give the tests away.

Watching you bat without your spunk is like watching Bambi's mum die. And the tears are already rolling down my cheek!!!!!www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Yo Ricky, whats the down low bro?

Ricky Ponting is in the sort of form that would get you shot by Uday Hussein (unless he is playing against the Kiwis).

While the rest of you sit around moping about it (if you like him) or drinking champagne and praising Allah (if you don’t), I have come up with the 6 most likely reasons why he has lost form.

Theory A

Some man claiming to be Ricky Ponting has been pulling off the greatest non Cherie Blair scam in years.

We should have noticed by the fact he had more hair, but most of us assumed it was some Vain attempt by Ricky to look young.

This man, whose batting talent is questionable, seems to be about as good as a captain, and press operator as Punter was,

Theory B

If you remember the Halloween episode from the Simpsons where Homer gets Snakes hair, you may understand theory B.

Ricky has someone elses hair, and whoever it is has problems outside off stump, can’t run between wickets and is no longer worth a lot of money.

Problems outside off stump, Brad Hodge, running between wickets, Inzy, not worth a lot of money Ashwell Prince.

Theory C

According to a book I read recently, if you are abducted by aliens, they can insert themselves into your mind to find out what makes you tick.

They do not interfere with your life, but they do like to ask you why decided on orange juice instead of apple juice, why you bought a four wheel drive to drop the kids off at school and why you sodomized your neighbours dog.

Imagine batting with a team full of Aliens in your head.

Theory D

Perhaps on his last tour Rianna Ponting heard that Ricky was road testing the new weave with the ladies.

Some wives can be very narrow minded when it comes to their husbands sleeping with other girls. Even if he was just testing his hair.

If Ponting is sleeping on the couch, this could be affecting his form.

Theory E

Perhaps the ©rapness of his Vitamin ads has got to him.

I mean he is the Captain of the free world, and he’s in an ad that probably would look dodgy on Community television.

Must be a blow to his confidence, especially since he got his hair fixed just for the occasion.

Theory F

He is in sh1t form.

Doesn’t seem as likely as the others though does it.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

David Hussey Petition on facebook

Feel free to add yourself to the David Hussey petition on face book.

Click herewww.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Victoria take on the IPL

According to economists the market is the true indicator of life itself.

I think most economists are massive w@nkers, but since this theory suits my theory I am willing to use it.

According to the IPL auction David Hussey and Cameron White are worth more than Michael Hussey and Ricky Ponting.

Don’t give me any of that that’s because they might not be available for the whole tournament, cause neither will Brett Lee, and he still got a big bag of cash.

So the Market forces have spoken, Future PM comes in for his Brother King Probot, and Cam comes in as skipper ahead of Michael Clarke.

Simon Katich should continue to be ignored.

Ok perhaps this is a bit extreme, except the Krab Katrich bit.

But it does show the Victoria do have cricketers (and coaches) who are in demand, not in Australia, but internationally.

Continue reading here.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Anderson's struggles continue

Away from the sheer madness of the Indian Premier League, there was quite a game of cricket played between England and New Zealand. Most pundits thought 340 was well out of the Kiwis’ reach; but they reckoned without some mediocre bowling, the short boundaries and some exhilarating batting. For all their problems, especially in the Test arena, New Zealand remain a combative and canny one-day international side. With that in mind, England would be ecstatic if they could salvage a draw from this series.

<p class="MsoNormal">To do that, they will need to build on their batting exploits. At last, England managed an assertive start. Phil Mustard displayed hitting power and hitherto unimagined subtlety and selectivity in his 83, amassing 158 with Alastair Cook. Cook is undeniably growing as a limited-overs player. However, he still has a long way to go to succeed in emulating Matthew Hayden. With hindsight, his excruciating start â€" two runs from 17 balls, during which he was dropped â€" may have cost England the match. Tellingly, England scored an astonishing 227 from the 30 non-Powerplay overs, but only managed a relatively meagre 113 during the 20 overs of Powerplays. Cook’s strike-rate of 78 would be good on most wickets; but not so on the short boundaries of Napier. Still, the opening partnership of Mustard and Cook, two contrasting left-handers, is one that should be persevered with.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">Unlike on numerous occasions in the past, England capitalised in the last 10 overs, adding over a century. Ian Bell, Kevin Pietersen and especially Paul Collingwood appear in fine form after failures in the first two games, while Luke Wright bludgeoned quick runs before showing an ice-cool temperament with a brilliant final over of the game.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">More worrying is the oft-unfairly treated Owais Shah. His best innings for England, including his 107 against India and 82 at Dambulla, came when given the chance to play a substantial innings before accelerating at the end. He struggled under the requirement of hitting from ball one, suggesting others should be promoted ahead of him in similar situations but, as a supremely talented player who can accumulate and find the gaps with his wristy style, Shah should not be discarded.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">With the ball, however, England’s shortcomings were exposed. Besides the exemplary Ryan Sidebottom, bowlers consistently bowled too short. James Anderson is 25 and has played 85 ODIs, but his control is too often found wanting. Given that he has averaged 56, with an economy rate of 5.6, during his last nine games, Anderson needs to impress in the series finale â€" or he should be dropped.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">But what of Dimi Mascharenhas? After two scintillating performances in the two Twenty20 games, there was a clamour for him to be included in the ODI side too. But he has failed to justify the hype, bowling nine overs for 69, seemingly lacking the confidence of Collingwood, and not being given the chance to show-off his six-hitting power. In the right conditions, both his bowling and batting could be of great use. Yet in the last two games, having dropped Graeme Swann, England have been left with just three front-line bowlers, and have subsequently been over-exposed.
<p class="MsoNormal">
<p class="MsoNormal">But after the humiliations of the first two games, it is testament to England's resilience that they can still harbour hopes of sharing the series.

Short, sweet, Indian sideshows threatening cricket as we know it

Fans roar across the world as Manchester United score to put themselves in front. It's a situation that excites its fans, and it is estimated that an incredible 5% of the world's population are United supporters, and it's one that occurs quite often, and has for quite some time. It's a situation that the English Premier League, one of the world's biggest professional sporting leagues, does little to correct. The '4 team dominance' (Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool) is a result of the league, and in fact the sport, that has become a money based game. Association Football (Soccer) is the world's most popular and one of its oldest games, but people rarely question the incredible lack of competitiveness between its richest clubs and the ones struggling to make ends meet. It's a situation that is just not cricket, is it?

This week, Cricket Australia will make its final decision on whether to allow its contracted players to participate in the new ICC sanctioned Indian Premier League, which will feature local Indian players, as well as international stars from across the cricketing globe. The amount of players signed up from the land down under alone is incredible, and whilst nothing is finalized yet, the BCCI (Board of Control for Cricket in India) wants an answer soon, or it will ban the players from playing in the future.

Most Australian players have expressed a desire to play in the tournament, and with the money on offer, who could blame them? But the situation remains, that has already become a problem with the rebel Indian Cricket League, that players seem to be so keen to play, that international cricket could suffer. New Zealand has already lost one of its brightest stars, Shane Bond, to the rebel ICL, forcing the NZ board to ban Bond for the move. What is most incredible is that the tournament is just that. It is not a season or a league, but rather a short Twenty20 tournament that lasts barely over a month. Bond has chosen a couple of months work over a year long international commitment.

The money that the BCCI generates is excessively large. So far, international cricketing standards have not been affected by it, though political influence has.

Who to barrack for in the IPL

I was over at Miss Field’s blog and she was trying to decided what team to barrack for.

I thought my decision was already made for me, Kolkota was where David Hussey is going and therefore shall be my side.

But shock horror, Sourav Ganguly is an iCON for that side, and therefore I cannot and will not support them.

So I decided that I should support Cameron White’s side.

But it has Jacques Kallis in it.

Perhaps Warney’s side, nope Graeme Smith.

So I went through the whole list of 8 teams, and the only team I got close to supporting was Mohali, but they have Simon Katich, and I have never been a fan of crabs.

I understand that part of the reasons I don’t like these sides is almost all of them have South Africans in them, but really, is there a line up here that is instantly likeable?

The selections are odd at best.

I wonder how many of these millionaires got in cricket advisors to help them, because these selections look like drunken goats made them.

Hydrabad has an amazing list of match winners, but they still felt the need to get two out of form over the hill guys in Styris and Gibbs.

What was Bangalore doing, they have picked a test team to play 2020. Dravid, Kallis, Jaffer, Chandrepaul and Kumble, that’s a line up for a 20 day test.

Mumbai spent all their money on Sanath and Sachin, and have no real middle order. Although I do like the name Loots Bosman. Loooots Bosmaaaaan, I like it.

Jaipur’s team would struggle to beat Bermuda, even if Warne took a bag of 7 wickets. Justin Langer, Graeme Smith and Kamran Akmal together at last.

Chennai have a some superstars, some dead wood, a really bad name and Stephen Fleming, who was bought for press conferences.

Kolkata has a superstar line up, that on paper stands well above the others, which proves Sourav is a clever guy, even if no one out side of India likes him.

Dehli have a team its hard to get a handle on, but thing this is for sure, they weren’t going for flashy big names. This is the dimmeys and forges side.

Mohali have a sense of humour picking Katich and Powar. Their team is not too bad though, Powar must have been picked for his speed in the outfield.

If I was a betting man, which I am, I would say Kolkata and Mohali have the best sides.

May the most expensive team win.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

my application

Dear Sir/Madam/IPL

My name is Uncle J Rod, and I would like to apply for a position as blogger for one of your teams, preferably a team with a good name, so the Chennai Super Kings is out.

Unlike all the other nay sayers, I think 2020 cricket is the best thing since the upskirt shot in Basic Instict, although it is still no Barbarella.

These are some of the reasons I think I could fit into the IPL.

I also don't think Ashwell Prince is very good.

Talent wise I am at least on par with Albie Morkel or Simon Katich.

I have no problem with saying that India is the greatest nation on earth, I mean I’ve lied before, I once told this girl her bum didn’t look big in this. Also I will never place my feet near the Indian Flag.

I have a work history of over 500 posts, most of which are not obscene.

I have references from England, Pakistan, New Zealand (yes they are still a cricket nation) and India. None from South Africa though.

I too hate the way Australia control world cricket, I mean look at the way they got that talented young finger chucker banned. Dharmasena I think his name was.

For the job I am willing to do player interviews, players love me, I’m assuming you have heard of Bryce McGain.

Recently I started a petition to get David Hussey into the Australian side, after only a few days I am only 900 people short of my intended target of 1000.

I understand this is an auction process, but I would prefer to work with a team owned by a Bollywood actress, however, I am willing to work for any team where the groupie ratio is 25 to 1.

But I would like to reiterate I will not work for the Chennai Super Kings, as their name is really stoopid.

I understand that a lot of money has been spent on the IPL, and you may be a little skint now, so I will make my reserve price 900,001 dollars, as I refuse to get paid less than Jacques Kallis.

In conclusion I am willing to declare all my other contracts null and void for the 6 week period where I will focus solely on making the IPL the greatest sporting event ever, except for the Melbourne Spring Racing Carnival and the WNBA.

Thank you for your time, and I hope to hear back from you shortly.

Yours truly,

Uncle J Rodwww.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Player Discussion : Ajinkya Rahane

Author: canadiancricketSubject: Ajinkya RahanePosted: 19 February 2008 at 9:44amwell I never said he will be Dravid. No one player is like another. I just said that he can be a good replacement. Doesn't need to be the most technically correct to be the best number3. look at ponting, he has not the perfect technically perfect batsman but that doesnt matter.

Player Discussion : Adil Rashid - A good future prospect

Author: harry00Subject: Adil Rashid - A good future prospectPosted: 19 February 2008 at 4:48pmGood victory for the lions in the one day game, great start. Adil Rashid once again performed this time taking the main two wickets in middle order, figures of  9-1-49-2 and also contributing with the bat once again with 24 not out of 12 balls, and finished of the game. He looks a very versatile player if required to bat time he can do that as he proved in the longer version of the game and if required quick runs the lads got a strike rate of over 150 impressive!!!!. He has Definatly enhanced his reputation on this tour with both bat and ball.   Micheal Carberry also did well got his 2nd hundred of the tour.Edited by harry00 - 19 February 2008 at 4:53pm

Ashwell's Mittens

I think it all started when Ashwell was named Ashwell.

Did we need a world wide Cricket Auction just to prove that no one likes Ashwell Prince?

Imagine being the only player out of the lot to not get picked, (Yousuf had contract issues).

Being the last person picked is always embarrassing, but at least then you can get out on the field and do something about it.

However Ashwell is left to play on the swings with the special needs kids (also known as the England).

My question is, in a world where some drug afflicted millionaire is willing to shell over 900,000 clams for Jacques Kallis to play 2020 cricket, how sh1t is Ashwell Prince?

Or actually my question is, is he sh1tter, or boringer?

How embarrassed would he feel, domestic cricketers have been picked up, has beens have been picked up, and even Sourav Ganguly is an Icon.

And little Ashwell continues to play on the swings with his mittens sewn to his jacket.

Mind you Ashwell was not the only staid player to get overlooked initially, Langer, Katich, and McGrath all got over looked while less talented flashier cricketers got the benjamins.

I must admit I haven’t kept too much of an eye on the player Auction.

Almost all my info comes from Well Pitched.

But I did chuckle a little as Future PM David Hussey (sign the petition) got 675,000.

I think I should get 10 percent of that.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Future Pm trumps Petition

Recently you may be aware of my petition to have David Hussey (Future PM) installed into the Australian side.

I have been subtle about it, but you may have been able to read between the lines.

Well I now realise that my efforts to get David Hussey into the side have been pretty feeble.

But this David Hussey bloke, he is do a darn tootin job without me.

My petition is looking a bit scratchy at 60 odd signatures, and a lot of those seem to be celebrities cashing in on the latest charity.

David just made the second fastest Australian one day domestic hundred in history.

I sense a little bit of, anything you can do, I can do a kabillion times better.

So Andrew Hilditch, the 60 odd people and his latest hundred are making a case for his inclusion, so what is keeping you.

113 off 64 balls.

This boy has serious tizzel in his pizzel.

When he walked in Brad Hodge was 55, and Hussey beat him to his 100.

If David continues play these sorts of innings he may make my petition redundant.

Nah the selectors won’t drop any of the “golden boys”, they might have to admit they’re wrong.

It would be almost impossible to describe this innings.

To use a wiser mans words, this innings was one of God's own prototypes--a high-powered mutant of some kind who was never even considered for mass production.

The SCG is a big cricket ground, but with Hussey in an excitable mood, and NSWales fielding 6 spinners, Hussey had a field day.

Instead of waiting for the right ball, or waiting till he was in the right spot, or waiting for anything at all, he just simply tried to hit every ball for four or six.

Even when on 99, he almost got caught at long off trying to serve a ball bouncer down the ground.

The dude was outta control.

It was the cricket equivalent of an Ice Addict ram raiding an electronics store, quick, brutal, unorganized, frantic and never going to last.

If you want to see innings like this internationally, sign the petition.www.cricketwithballs.com "Sign our David Hussey petition"

Touring Probots

I feel a little cheated by Dhoni.

Before he came to Australia he was on my cool list.

A clever young captain, a smashing batsmen and he had a bit of a strut.

The boy bats like a drunken sailor everywhere, but in Australia, well he bats like a probot.

And trust me it hurts to say that.

But its true.

Over in New Zealand Paul Collingwood, a Probot, has just smashed the kiwis out of the ground 6 times before he miss hit a four.

What is going on in the world, whilst Dhoni grafts, Collingwood smotes, it's all a bit confusing.

Please don't forget to sign the petition for David Hussey.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

The petition goes left

Thanks to a very loyal reader, the David Hussey Petition has now been mentioned on the Guardian's OBO (that stands for over by over) commentary.

Over 41 of England's massive Coldplay inspired innings is where we are mentioned, which fittingly was a very good over from the perfect boyfriend Oram.

For those who don't know the Guardian is an ultra conservative paper.

The chickens is coming home to roost y'all.

Oh and if you want a Kiwi OBO, which is always good when they are losing, go to Sportsfreak, but be nice, they are not having a good day.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Coldplay plays McGrath

Chris martin New Zealands opening bowler whom I would not trust to date my sister (I’m an only child) had some interesting words to say before todays blockbuster (sure why not) against England.

He came out with his bowling plan for the openers in some sort of Glenn McGrath moment of insanity.

"Cook has struggled with left-armers around the world. It's the angle he has struggled with. And, as far as Mustard goes, you have to cramp him and make sure he doesn't have too many areas to hit."

Opening partnership for England today 156 runs.

Perhaps Chris should take heed from his own lyrics.

And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start

Indeed.

Don't forget to sign the petition for David Hussey.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Chain Letter for David

I'm assuming, like me, you want the David Hussey petition to work so the Future Pm gets into the Australian side.

So here is the proforma for the email you can send out to all and sundry.

How many chain letters do you get, that's right a kabillion, so why not send out a cricket one to annoy all your friends, whilst helping a great guy into a position that is rightfully his.

Feel free to edit it to make it more appealing to your friends, or enemies.

I am sorry for this intrusion.

I know how annoying these sorts of emails can be.

This email is not some nonsense about a rich Nigerian with no western bank account, Bill Gates giving you cash for forwarding or some kids who molested an albino crocodile years ago.

This is about cricket, this is about getting a Victorian cricketer into the Australian side, so it’s very serious.

Not just any cricketer though, David Hussey, a man who has done everything the selectors have asked of him, but still cannot get selected.

All you have to do is sign this petition.

http://cricketwithballs.blogspot.com/2008/02/get-david-hussey-into-office.html

But you don’t care, you want to know what’s in it for you.

If you’re a Victorian, you can stick it to all the other states, regardless of cricket, you know you hate the other states.

If your from Another state, you can stick it to Victoria, by taking Hussey out of their side just before they go into the Sheffield Shield final.

If you’re from overseas and you hate Australia, then you will be annoying all Australians by putting a Victorian in the team.

If you’re from overseas and you love Australia, you will be helping strengthen the Australian team.

If you love the Australian cricket team, and good sportsmen, this is the man for your team.

If you love cricket, then you simply must sign the petition, the madness has gone on long enough.

If you don’t like cricket, but like good blokes, then you simply must sign the petition, the madness has gone on long enough.

Vote One David Hussey

Please sign the petition

Click here to read the petition
http://cricketwithballs.blogspot.com/2008/02/get-david-hussey-into-office.html

click here to just sign the damn thing
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=2297325403467416633&postID=4443044589692403977

And please forward this to fellow Victorians, Australians, Cricket Fans and people who want to right the wrongs.

David’s future is in your hands.

Oh and if you don’t forward this to 7 people, Sachin Tendulkar will cry.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Get David Hussey Into Office

The Australian One Day cricket team is struggling to make runs.

These things happen, without Clarke or Gilly they might not have passed 200 runs yet.

Ponting, Hayden, and Roy have all look muted.

King Probot Michael Hussey has been ok.

But what would a normal cricket side do when its players are out of form, they would bring in a new player.

The Australian team don’t drop players, they rest them, retire them, name new squads without certain names in them, or wait for injuries.

So rest them already.

Bring in Future PM David Hussey.

Hussey has been humping at the selectors legs like a horny Labrador for years now.

There is not another cricket side in the world he wouldn’t stroll into.

New Zealand would gladly give up Helen Clark and Peter Jackson just to have him for 2 tests against England.

The West Indies would donate an island for him, tax free.

And England would allow Kylie to come home just so they could see what a test match number 4 looks like.

This has gone on long enough, the team is not scoring, the batsmen look tired, and Roy and Ponting look like they are carrying injuries, and yet all David does for Australia is collect frequent flyer points.

And I worked for Qantas, trust me, they are impossible to use.

So this is the petition, as suggest by Homer, if you want David Hussey to play for Australia please sign your name in the comments.

Tell your friends, tell your enemies, hell tell NSWelshman, but get the word out.

Cricket with balls needs your name on this petition and if we get over 1000 people on the petition, I promise I will deliver it in person to Cricket Australia head quarters.

This has gone on too long, and the only thing that will stop me from marching into the ivory tower of Cricket Australia is David Hussey representing Australia.

Get signing people.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Self-inflicted pain

Whilst England’s mini-revival in One Day International cricket would appear to be hauling itself back on track after Friday’s victory over New Zealand the focus has been taken off the role of the management in England’s malaise. They have managed to successfully deprive three promising players of any semblance of confidence.

Owais Shah had a fantastic return to International Limited Overs cricket against the West Indians last summer. Finally it appeared as though one of county cricket’s more talented players had arrived on the big stage to stay. Yet he played only five of the following seven games against India as consistency of selection seemed to evaporate. However, Shah scored his first century in that series and went to Sri Lanka in good form. In the second match of that series, with England one down, Shah hit a crucial 82 to win the game. His performances then tailed off in the remaining three matches. However, surely he had done enough to earn a Test recall, especially after his last outing on the sub-continental pitches of India, where he struck a vital 88 and 38.

However, despite his performances and his expertly wristy play of spin, he was overlooked and in stepped a young Ravi Bopara, scorer of just one fifty in his 19 matches to that date. Bopara had experienced a dismal ODI series in Sri Lanka with a high score of 27 not out. Bopara, clearly out of form already, was thrown in at the deep end and how he drowned. He managed 42 runs from 5 innings, including three ducks. His confidence plummeted to its lowest ebb surely. Time for a breather perhaps, not for the England management though. He replaced Dimi Mascarenhas for the first two ODI’s in New Zealand and contrived to lose England at least one of those games, whilst he joined in with the general malaise. Meanwhile, Shah, surely demoralised by rejection after promising performances, has scored just 38 runs from his 3 innings in New Zealand so far. Good work Team England.

Now, for the final part of the puzzle, Mascarenhas. He waited a long, long time for the chance and when it came he eventually grasped it with both hands after an early struggle with the bat against the West Indies, batting in an unfamiliar number seven position. Economical bowling in that series was followed by more of the same plus some wickets against India in the four matches which he played. He also scored a terrific 52 from 39 and 36 not out from 15 in his only two innings. Finally England had a man who could replicate the Andrew Flintoff of old,s death hitting. 31 from 14 and 11 from 7 followed in the T20 Internationals versus New Zealand, coupled with bowling figures of 4-44 from 8 overs. Surely he had secured his place for the ODI’s. No! In came Bopara and Mascarenhas, when he did finally appear in the third ODI, took a bit of stick during his 7 overs for 55, not helped by his captain’s use of him, or the hit his confidence most likely took from being dropped. What are England playing at?!

Exit stage left

Has the Gilly retirement tour gone on a bit long?

I love Gilly, you can read about here, here, here, here or practically anywhere on my blog for proof.

But this is gone on long enough.

He has now played at all the relevant Australian cricket grounds, and Radelaide oval, on his retirement tour.

So he has said goodbye to everyone in Australia.

He danced for his home crowd, and waived goodbye to everyone else.

Now what?

He has a possible broken thumb, an understudy who is sitting around twiddling his unbroken thumbs and another 4 or 5 games left to continue his royal saluting to everyone.

As any fan of musicians or boxers will tell you, retirements often go awry.

Usually by the intended coming back, or by extended tours that seem to go on and on and on, until your glad they are retiring.

Gilly hasn’t quite gone that far yet, but Haddin must be feeling a bit like the dude sitting around waiting for his chicks husband to die before he makes the relationship public.

And we all know how that feels.

If Gilly does have a broken thumb, surely he has better things to do with it than play in the Kerry Packer memorial tournament.

I’m all for a player getting a final chance to salute his home crowd, I’m even for a champion player getting to say goodbye to a few places, but a potential 11 game goodbye series is getting a bit much.

What will players start doing, announcing they will retire in 3 years time, so that for the last 3 years Mark Nicholas can suck at the dirt between their toes.

What about the next Lara or Tendulkar, one they are crowned king of the cricket universe can they say I will retire in 12 years time, so you better start worshipping me now.

He is obviously not the only one who has done this, Glenn McGrath did the same thing, but that was to win one more world cup, and ensure South Africa didn’t win one world cup.

That was a noble pursuit, but winning a three way competition that he usually asks be to rested during isn’t really the same thing.

You are a champion Gilly, but perhaps it is time to let the Understudy up on stage, so I can bag him.

Gilly you have done everything in your career, holding up a trophy that means less to us than a drawn test match is useless.

Go be with your family, we'll soldier on without you.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Future PM's fact finding trip

How do you get Future PM David Hussey out cheaply?

You drag him from Sydney to Radelaide mid match, because a NSWelshman (uhum) has sore ribs.

Then when the sore ribs feel good enough to make a 70 odd in an international match, you send him back to the SCG where he can no longer bat at the number 4 spot he so beautifully patrols.

Now when it comes to Victoria I often get caught up in conspiracy theories.

But this is no conspiracy theory, this happened in front of our very own eyes like when Greedo shot first, we actually saw it all happen.

For full rant read here.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Jimmy is the new Ian

James Hopes is the Ian Harvery we all wanted Ian Harvey to be.

Except no one wanted the freak to have an exceptionally small forehead, I'm assuming.

He can make quick runs in the middle order, even when all the other batsmen look frigid.

He can open the batting if required.

He can change a game with the ball.

He can bowl tight, or take wickets.

All this while looking like a Cro-Magnon man.

Sure he isn’t quite as flashy as the freak, but some may think that makes him more reliable, not me, but some.

He also doesn’t seem to smoke or drink like the freak, suck up to Warney like the freak, bowl 5 slower balls an over like the freak, or have a chubby little tummy like the freak.

Other things he needs to do to emulate the freak, take money off the Poms, South Africa and India whilst smoting their first class cricketers around.

Grow a nasty @ss mullet.

Not live up to his potential.

But there is one thing that I believe Hopes can do, and Harvey never quite did, invent a cricket shot.

In 7 years time the IPPCCL commentators will be saying, that was a lovely Hopes by Venkatapathi Raju Junior.

Just mark my words.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Rupert backs our Bryce

For the longest time I pushed the Bryce McGain barrow up a hill, single handed with a midget on my back.

First the midget got off and then the hill flattened out.

Slowly others came over, perhaps not to push the barrow, but to walk respectively behind me.

Bryce obviously did his share, but lets be honest, without me he is just an old dude who bowls leggies.

I gave the man myth, I gave him legend, I made him Cricket With Balls Own International Man of Mystery Nice Bryce McGain.

The Barrow was heavy, old men seem to carry a little bit more weight than young guys, but now that I am tiring, the Herald Sun has decided to push with me.

It’s about fu©king time.

Victorians have been very slow to get behind Bryce, perhaps its cause you can’t see One day domestic cricket on free to air telly, or perhaps because he’s older than Jesus.

Either way you don’t need a weatherman to tell you which way the wind is blowing.

Bryce is getting closer to the side, I can smell it.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

another google search

Someone just typed this into google, and i felt it had to be shared.

wasim akram cricket $ex fu(c)k

Could be great for a t shirt, or a birthday cardwww.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Australia ordinary, India hungover, Sri Lanka not relevant

India seem to have completely turned the corner as a cricket side.

Instead of relying on spinners and superstar batsmen, they rely on fast bowlers and a wicket keeper.

What is the result, well, Australia are playing shocking cricket, they rested Lee, and the still absolutely annihilated India with only 1 batsman making runs.

What does that make India, ordinary.

Why, because Australia look ordinary and are a kabillion points clear at the moment.

Australia could line up 7 dwarfs, 3 armless guys, and a gay pop idol in the dark green uniform and if they made over 200, you would still back them to win.

India seem to love winning so much, that they get all Freddy Flintoff after it, and spend the next few games feeling dehydrated on buses.

Drought breaking triumph against Aussies at the G, great.

Getting smacked by the Lankans in the land of porn and fireworks, sh1t.

Followed up with a double bonus point loss to Australia, without Brett Lee, really sh1t.

After the game at the G, people were whispering that Australia would have to fight to get to the final, actually all they had to do was bat pretty shabbily and watch other sides bat even worse.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Sachin doesn't walk

I don’t blame him, I only walk to the fridge, and occasionally to the toilet.

But I didn’t hear Anil Kumble doubt his sportsmanlike behaviour.

So far Peter Roebuck has not called for Vvs Laxman to replace him.

And the Australian team has decided to go ahead with the series.

Sachin got a huge piece of the ball, he clearly would have known he nicked it, but he didn’t walk.

Who does?

Is there a player in modern cricket who walks everytime he is out?

This doesn’t make Sachin a liar or a cheat, it makes him a batsmen.

When was the last time a soccer/bballer/hockey player said to the ref, hey mate you got that one wrong, give him the puck/ball/rock.

It doesn’t happen.

Golf is one of the few sports where the players give themselves the penalties, and if their partner thinks they have cheated they can refuse to sign the card.

In cricket we pay umpires to do the job.

They put on their funny little hats, step out into the middle and make decisions.

Sachin Tendulkar’s job is to bat, not to umpire, not to referee, not to commentate, not to streak, but to make runs for his country.

If he had gone out after that huge nick off Lee, India may not have won the game.

Cricket has moved on a lot since honest Johns walked in the 1950’s.

The game is professional, racism and separate change rooms are no longer tolerated.

So walking, while a noble tradition, may go the way of clapping the opposition captain, losing to the English and having white dudes lead dark teams.

Or maybe Sachin has bad hearing, perhaps Mike Proctor was right.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Future Pm in for wunderkind

According to cricinfo Future Pm David Hussey has been brought in as a potential replacement for Clarke and his sore ribs.

Brad Haddin is already in the squad, so perhaps the Selectors picked Hussey because they don't see Haddin as a number 4.

More likely this is a conspiracy to put Victoria off their game because they are in the drivers seat of their shield game against the precious NSWelshman.

With Hussey out of the way, it makes it easier for the 2 bowlers NSWales picked for this game to bowl Victoria out.

Or this could be a great opportunity for the Future PM, and the shield game has nothing to do with it.

Nah, conspiracy seems more likely.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

quotas

With the South African team fighting quotas, it made me think about the quota systems that the other nations have.

People don’t want to talk about the big issues, but Cricketwithballs never shies away.

Australia â€" has a rule that involves picking guys who are good blokes, and then trying to teach them to play cricket. Brad Hogg is the current selection, Andy Bichel was a previous selection and Andrew Symonds is the only success story.

Bangladesh â€" regulations are in place for at least 8 players who are not of first class standard in any team, while a further 2 should not be of test standard.

Canada â€" One John Davison per side.

England â€" Must pick at least 3 players who are male models. Currently they are above their quota, Cook, Broad, Anderson, Shah, and Bopara. KP is way too ugly to be apart of this quota.

India â€" shall pick no less than 3 players with the word Singh in their name. May be expanded to 5, under the no Singh left behind initiative.

Ireland â€" they will pick anyone except blokes who tried to play for England. It’s called the Ed Joyce precedent.

New Zealand â€" The New Zealand constitution says, all New Zealand cricket teams shall have no less than 2 grinders and 2 bits and pieces all rounders. Selection should promote fat guys, but no need to make it a quota.

Pakistan â€" Every team shall have 4 guys under 23 who are really over 30.

Sri Lanka â€" Arjuna has changed the laws in Sri Lanka to ensure that 2 bowlers with actions that are ridiculous must be included in every side. Legality of action is not a requirement.

West Indies â€" Don’t have a quota, just a bunch of guys who average in their 20’s with the bat.

Zimbabwe â€" All players are to be government stooges with no political awareness, and it helps if they are a little slow. Think George Bush, but a black cricketing version, who doesn’t take cocaine.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Captain Colly shows the way

Paul Collingwood's side have rightly been lambasted for a pair of aberrant performances in this ODI series. But it is to his great credit that he led by example in the third game, claiming three wickets and scoring a rapid 70* to put England back on the right track.

Collingwood's pride has palpably been damaged by the first two games. Under his captaincy, the impression that England do not care for one-day cricket has gradually been eroded, as anyone who witnessed the jubilant celebrations upon winning the series in Sri Lanka would conform. Apathy has been a major problem for England in this format; too often, they have been blown away in series that have followed the Tests, with the players all seemingly longing for a return home. That is no longer the case, for Collingwood has made it his mission to make England a respected one-day outfit once more.

His performance today illustrated the good cricketing sense he has come to be associated with. His bowling in this format of the game continues to improve; canny and with plenty of guile, his brand of cutters and slower balls are well-accustomed to Kiwi wickets. With the bat, he was audacious and a little lucky but superb: his 70* from only 50 balls made a nervy run chase into a cakewalk, as he ruthlessly targeted New Zealand's band of medium-pacers after seeing off the brilliant Daniel Vettori.

While they have regained some respectability, it would still represent a major surprise if England produce two more similarly impressive showings. Clearly, they need Phil Mustard to make a significant contribution at the top; breezy cameos are not enough. But, at last, their much-vaunted middle-order lived up to the hype, with Ian Bell playing a fine innings and Kevin Pietersen, though far from his best, making a timely contribution. Collingwood's combativeness evoked the tenacity and skill he displayed in the incredible CB Series win last year. After their thrashings in the first two games, a turnaround England series victory would come close to that for shock value.

Gilly's waltz

Adam Gilchrist decided to save one last dance for Perth.

A gentlemanly hundred.

It was a romantic gesture, but it would have been nicer if the game was on Valentines day.

Interestingly enough while Gilly usually tries to do the mash potato, this time he went with a waltz.

Gilly is such a super guy, he wanted this one to last, you know, one last jaunt around the dance hall for old times sake.

He even got the DJ, Clarke, to put on some slow music, so it would last all night.

Unfortunately Gilly did what he has done all too often in his career, he made all the other men look like dodgy dancers.

Hayden had two left feet.

Punter was dancing to the wrong tune.

Roy decided to spend time at the bar.

And Hussey danced the Perth two step, but he never really got the rhythm of it.

Gilly however twirled around with a grace usually reserved for Ballerinas or Muhammad Ali.

Gilly has danced, longer, faster, sexier and better many a time before, but this one had a certain sumthin sumthin.

When the Sri Lankans hit the floor, only the King Kumar danced anywhere near as good, but he ran out of partners.

Happens to the best of us.

Anything Gilly does from here on in is gravy.

He can stumble, stand on feet, dance to the wrong song, or anything else, but his hometown crowd will remember this dance for a long time.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

the perfect boyfriends perfect shot

One day cricket is not really my bag.

I’m not a cricket elitist, I like slogging and yorkers, I just don’t like the middle bit where guys like Bevan, Harris and Chandrepaul bat for their livelihoods.

Then the perfect Boyfriend Oram does something that reminds me of the wonders of one day cricket.

He hits a six over point of a near yorker.

Writing it down does not do it justice.

The shot was so sexy that Simon Doull had to call for the jizz mopper to come in and clean the booth just so he could see the action again.

Ian Smith is now just a shell of a man, he has no internal juices left.

In some ways the shot was lessened, it was hit off a English medium pacer, on a postage stamp, from a free hit ball, but the serious awesomeness of a square drive off a near yorker for six over rides all other factors.

You all know I love Oram batting, but this shot would convert baseballers to cricket, Muslims to Scientologoly, and Bob Dylanites to Britney.

If this shot was a sexuality, you’d want to try it.

Wow my screen is covered with something, will have to get Ian Smiths jizz mopper in here as well.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Pretty Boy Vs Badonkadonk

I’m working right now, but gently in the background there is a one dayer being played between the Poms and the Kiwis.

The Poms have decided to play today, good for them.

I wasn’t really interested in the game, but I did see some interesting by play between Jesse Ryder and James Anderson.

Anderson is clearly in the English team for his looks.

South Africa have a quota for black players and coloured players, England currently has one for male models.

Ryder started off pretty well, he put one in the stands, slapped a square drive so well I welled up, but then Anderson and England got on top of him.

Jimmy beat him with a pretty good ball, to which jesse played a really sh1t shot to.

Then Jimmy came steaming down the wicket reminding Jesse of the good ball, in case Jesse was a goldfish and had forgotten what had happened to him a mere 2 seconds earlier.

Jimmy did his best I’m tougher than I look, sound and act routine, and Jesse replied with a lovely well bowled mate.

Sure Jesse’s “well bowled” was tongue in a chubby cheek, but it had more power than all of Anderson’s b boy posturing.

All of this counted for nothing as England plugged all the holes square of the wicket until Jesse found a fielder in the deep.

Jesse bats like a young Darren Lehmann, before he got old and started waddling around the wicket, like an ice addict waiting for a train.

He is steady, uses his eye and hands, and waits very late for the ball.

Plus they are both rotund men.

Jimmy Anderson reminds me of those annoying kids you played juniors against. The ones you smashed out of the attack every week, but that got picked in the representative sides, because they looked technically correct.

Their shirts were always very white, and their gear was matching, and their performances were always average.

But Anderson looks like a cricketer, and even though he has proved throughout his entire career that he is not one, looks can be deceiving.

I’m not saying that if he was fat or ugly he wouldn’t be in the side, actually that’s exactly what I’m saying.

Sportsfreak are doing an over by over analysis of Staurt Broads posturing during this game as well.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

hegemony or fleming

I think I once compared Stephen Fleming to Noam Chomsky.

At the time I was just trying to sound intelligent.

But now I look back, I realise I am a genius, and you should all listen to me more often.

Noam Chomsky is a leftist writer who uses big words and believes America is out to get him.

Fleming used a left wing game plan, uses big words and generally thinks Australia is out to get him.

Ofcourse if Fleming was Chomsky, that makes Ponting Michael Moore.

People either think Fleming is an overrated nerd who couldn’t bat, or a tactical genius who almost took down the Australians and regularly won one day games he shouldn’t have.

I tend to think he was a genius, but I was a captain, and captains tend to rate captains higher.

What he did do was captain an extremely average side.

Yet somehow under him New Zealand were never that bad.

He never had the cattle to make a great team, he never had the hat to make himself a great cowboy, but he got the most out of himself and out of his team, and you have to respect him for that.

Even if you think he was a shocking bat.

I wish there were more captains like Fleming, he captained like a mad scientist, rather than the McDonald’s Managers most captains are.

Without guys like Fleming, cricket would still be stuck in the 1800’s and we would all be bored sh1tless.

But for the average leftist person, Michael Moore’s jokey easy style is a lot easier to follow the Noam’s darkly multilayered manuscripts.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

International News : Fleming Retires from International Cricket

Author: bondySubject: Fleming Retires from International CricketPosted: 14 February 2008 at 10:05amWe could be seeing Gilly sometime too soon.

burning kittens

Recently I have been attacking the cricket administracrats a lot.

I don’t mean it, but they just continue to p1ss me off.

Now they have set fire to a bunch of kittens, so I feel obliged to attack them again.

The poor defenceless Bangladeshi tiger kittens are cute and adorable, and appear to be like Peter Pan.

Recently they lost to another minnow side heavily, being kittens they will bounce back, but kittens need someone to play with.

Enter Cricket Australia who has cancelled their test tour to Australia’s most famous cricket grounds like Marrara Stadium and the one named after alcohol.

As the kittens softly weep in the background I hear you ask why?

Because the Olympics are on at the same time.

Now I’ve never been a professional sport official, so perhaps I don’t know how all this tricky stuff works, but surely some in the Cricket Australia ivory tower had a calendar with all the major sporting events around the globe on it.

And the first one you would put on it would be the Olympics.

I personally couldn’t give a rats about the Olympics, but even I know it’s on 080808 for some sort of Chinese symmetry reason.

So why have the cricket administracrats suddenly decided to cancel the tour, why now, at this late stage have they abandoned the poor kittens.

Probably because they are idiots and they don’t really care what happens to defenceless kittens, because they won’t make them a lot of money.

Nothing smells worse than burning Kittens, well that's what the army guys said in Darwin when they burnt them.

Apparently Darwin is a good place to burn kittens, who knew.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

The rare tour

As huge doubts are cast over next month's tour of Pakistan by Australia it is worth considering the history of this, one of the rarest of all cricket tours.

Australia first toured Pakistan in 1956, playing just one Test against the then fledgling Test nation. Surprisingly the tourists lost heavily, being bowled out for just 80 in the first innings, and eventually losing by 9 wickets.

On the next tour, just 3 years later, Australia restored the balance, winning the 3 match series 2-0. But it would be nearly 40 years before they would taste victory again on a ground in Pakistan. In fact their next win, at Rawalpindi in 1998, was their third and last win in Pakistan. It was also the last time an Australian team toured Pakistan.

In the nearly ten years since that tour Pakistan have played at least one Test series against every other Test playing nation. Sri Lanka have visited Pakistan 3 times, while Bangladesh, England, South Africa and India have each toured twice. It is very odd then that Australia should not have toured at all in this time.

Security fears, which are the reason cited for the doubts over next month's tour, are not to be treated lightly. Yet, every other nation has sent their security teams and then made their tours. To my knowledge no player has been injured as a result of violence off the field on any of these tours. So why are the Australians so reluctant?

It is a question with no easy answer. There is no problem between the teams or their respective boards, as Pakistan have toured Australia twice since 1998. Both teams also played a Test series on neutral grounds when Australia refused to tour Pakistan in 2002, again citing fears over their security.

The issue is not a new one. After their successful tour of Pakistan in 1959, Australia toured again in 1964, though they only played one match. They did not tour again until 1980, 16 years later. Again all the Test playing nations of the time toured Pakistan in that 16 year span, and Pakistan toured Australia several times.

It truly is an enigma. In the entire history of Tests between the two countries, spanning over 50 years, Australia has only played 20 Tests in Pakistan. This was, perhaps, understandable in the early days of Test cricket, but in the modern era with the so-called Test championship, it is an unacceptable anomaly that one country should tour another so infrequently.

It is easy to understand why Pakistan's players, fans and board are unhappy about the prospect of another cancelled tour by Australia. The Australians are, after all, a hugely talented team, rated the best side in the world, and a massive draw for all Test fans.

Cricket watchers in Pakistan might also reflect that in those 20 Tests Australia have played in Pakistan the tourists have only won 3, while Pakistan have won 7. This trend may not have continued if Australia had toured Pakistan more often, but home advantage is huge in cricket, so one suspects Pakistan would have done well on home soil.

It is surely time that the best team in the world shows its class by making the tour that it has struggled with the most. Such a rare event would be a treat for all cricket fans, as well as showing that the Test cricket championship is a fair contest for all, with matches both home and away.

Could Bryce be Franz Ferdinand

A few years ago Australia was supposed to tour Zimbabwe.

Stuey MacGill developed a career defining case of liberal guilt, and thusly decided he would not go.

He said it was in protest of Mugabe, but also it’s hard to find a good merlot in Harare.

His replacement was Cameron White, who at that stage had bigger wraps on him than Penicillin and wonder bras.

By replacing Stuey with the bear, the selectors made one big mistake, they picked a Victorian and this contravened the ruling put forward by the cricket administracrats in a blood oath to make sure Shane Warne was the last Victorian ever to be picked.

They cancelled the tour.

They said it was a political decision, and one not based on Cameron White being Victorian, but we all knew better.

Now with a tour of Pakistan coming up, and only one Australian spinner in any sort of form, the administracrats are not sure if the tour of Pakistan will go ahead.

Is the de stabilising forces in Pakistan the reason Australia are hesitant, or is it because Bryce McGain is Victorian.

Now before you say, hey man, that’s just another Victorian conspiracy, man, let me say, yes it is.

But do you know how conspiracies start, through nut jobs, weird interpretations of facts, wild accusations and Chinese whispers.

Think about it.

If somehow CWB’s Nice Bryce does not get selected for the tour to Pakistan, it will go ahead.

That is the conundrum though, we won’t know whether he has been selected or not, they will simply cancel the tour, and you, I and Bryce will be none the wiser.

The powers that be will continue to hide behind ivory doors made of ivory, they won’t let out a scrap of information.

If Bryce was from South Australia, he wouldn't be very good, but the tour would go ahead regardless.

The Cricket administracrats thought by putting Merv on the panel they could gently phase out Victorians, but Merv said No way man, I ain't no stooge, man, I am for the people, man, fu(c)k the fascist insect that preys on the Victorian people.

So in conclusion, Bryce McGain will not have to get his anti terror shots, because "they" simply will not allow him to go to Pakistan. And by "they" I mean, Giant Alien Lizards, the CIA and Cricket Australia’s Administracrats.

The usual forces who keep Victoria down.

Fu(c)k em I say, we'll win the shield final anyway, unless the Giant Alien Lizards interfere.

Viva La Bryce.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

pretty boys

The team at Sportsfreak have had it with narcissistic cricketers.

Here is there story.

In the 1980s, the UK based fanzine (remember them?) ran a regular series called “Medallion Men”. This was devoted to players, not always of world-class, whose main claim to fame was in drawing attention to themselves by wearing ridiculous large medallions; often more than one. The general feeling was that these people backed themselves a bit. Phil DeFreitas was their ultimate Medallion Man.

Well fashion moves on. Yesterday’s medallions have been upstaged by today’s multi-coloured highlights, Alice bands, and body piercing. Today’s international cricketers vie with professional footballers in having a level of vanity matched only by a lack of taste. We list the leaders in this revolution.

10. Ryan Sidebottom

Unique in this list in that his mirror-staring is based on an image that is at least 20 years out of date. While retro may be in at the moment, was Michael Bolton ever worth imitating? However, the self-important flicking of the head to get rid of the permed locks from his face does add good comedy value.

9. Brendon McCullum

The man of the future. Not only does he sport a nice range of hair tint, but he also has a stamp album’s worth of tattoos adorning his body.

This is something typically reserved for rugby players; either code, but normally Polynesian; Baz has clearly decided that it is high time for cricket to catch up. Watch this space in 2010.

8. Brett Lee

Admittedly, he could be worse, and on the field is less image conscious than he was a few years ago. But anyone who has ever seen the Bolywood pop song will understand why he is on this list.

7. Jacob Oram

Is this some weird backlash to growing up in Palmerston North; a mini-city that is still waiting for the Beatles to arrive? But it is almost impossible why a The Perfect Boyfriend should first grow some queer mod mop, and then go through most shades of gold in his hair. Perhaps it’s just a throwback to his footballing past.

6. Lasith Malinga

If this guy had spent as much time watching his action in the mirror rather than his hair his action would be very different.

A perm and a dye all on the same head is quite special; but fast bowlers should not need to look like that to be scary.

5. Andrew Symonds

Another Englishman makes the list, and no explanation is required.

4. Kevin Pietersen

Where do you start? Lets start with the Beckham-like 3 Lions tattoo on the shoulder. Only a South African would be stupid enough to overlook the ugly hooligan images that one conjures up.

Then there is the skunk phase; followed by the current patchy skinhead look. None of them work, and neither does the ear-ring in every orifice routine. How does this guy get through airports?

3. Chris Gayle
Of all the players on this list, the attention to detail in working on his image while out there playing can get in the way of his performance. It’s bowling while making sure your head stays still so those sunglasses don’t fall off. And standing for 5 minutes on end with your hands in pockets may be dead cool, but it makes slip catching a bit difficult.

Way too much bling too, and a lot of it looks uncomfortable.

2. Stuart Broad

This one has come from nowhere. Son of a true Medallion Man, perhaps it should come as no huge surprise. But the main impact so far in career has been more from his striking hairstyle than performances on the field.

Although he bowls at a pace that may make him a test player one day, it is no surprise he has shone in the ODI format. This is probably due to the fact that it involves playing under lights. The kaleidoscope of colours his hair goes through as the lights take effect is pretty unpleasant. And the darkness around the eyes is just plain wrong.

1. Nathan Brackan

This guy looks so bad that even Chelsea would not employ him. During the length of this column Sportsfreak has been very careful not to stray into homophobia territory, but it is impossible to describe Bracken without going there.

He looks like the transvestite off Silence of the Lambs, and the deteriorating nature of his campness is the over-riding impression. Note how Harbidjan has never dared pat him on the botty.

Note There are a lot of fast bowlers in this list.

Ganguly, Michael Clarke, Shane Watson, Herschelle Gibbs, and Shoaib Akhtar were considered for this list but rejected due to the fact that their major reasons for ridicule lie elsewhere.

Scott Styris was similarly rejected.www.cricketwithballs.com "losing the war on over rates, winning the war on tony greig"

Badonkadonk Ryder brushing dirt off his shoulder

Does everyone remember Notorious B.I.G. (aka Biggie Smalls), the fat rapper who was killed by 2pac, Suge Knight, the FBI and Tibetan monks.

Ofcourse you do.

Well Jesse Ryder is the cricket version.

He got the swagger. (ok more of a waddle)

He got the confidence. (Winking at bowlers and smiling all the time)

He got the game. (Well against the England he does)

He got the rivalry. (Parore)

He got the dark past. (Not as a teenage drug dealer, but he still got into sh1t)

And most importantly he got the size. (Baby got back)

Everyone had an opinion on him before he even stretched out the black uniform. Too fat, loose cannon, unreliable, but Jesse does this thing that people like, he scores an @ss full of runs quickly.

You see while the cricket academies teach nutrition and the best way to compile an innings, Jesse goes out there and hits the ball hard, scares bowlers and makes runs.

What an interesting cricket concept.

Surely he should structure his innings around 10 ball KPI’s and not swing like he is in a fight over the last french fry.

If you listen to John Buchannan or Ian Healy, cricket is a multilayered association of ideas that requires you to use all orifices at once whilst comprehending a series of numerical problems and remaining centred to the spirituality of your surrounds, and keeping your chi balanced.

Or you could be a fat party animal with a good eye.

Jesse Ryder is already a cult figure, figure being the key word.

He was more popular than Shane Watson before he played a shot.

Us arm chair fans tend to like cricketers who don’t look like male models.

Jesse looks like he could sit comfortably in an armchair with a bucket of fried chicken and a bucket of cheap bourbon, so it is very hard to hate the man.

With Inzy, Lehmann, & McMillan gone, the hefty cricket fans need a new role model, who better than Jesse.

In the film Young blood Patrick Swayze says, "Thank God there is a sport for middle-sized white boys,".
Well if I was in a cricket film right now I would say,

"Thank the aliens there is a sport for overweight drunkards".www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Abject England, as weak as water

Having won the first four matches of their tour to New Zealand, England were expected to dominate the ODI series much in the same way as they had done the 20/20 match-ups. However, New Zealand hadn't read the script and have since demolished England in the first two ODIs.

Fans would have been hoping that the abysmal showing of Saturday had merely been a blip on the radar for this young and promising outfit. It was infact nothing, compared to the apocalyptic debacle witnessed at Seddon Park this morning.

Captain Collingwood lost the toss and England were put into bat by New Zealand skipper Daniel Vettori. A few minutes later, Alastair Cook and Phil Mustard made their way to the block to try and make amends for their failings first time around.

For six overs everything seemed to be going according to plan. The batsmen gauged the pace and bounce of the pitch much better and made an aggressive start. However, as he does too often Mustard went for one shot too many and was caught out when he could easily have played the ball along the ground through cover. With experience, Mustard is likely to cut these mistakes out of his game. Next ball, the under-pressure Ian Bell, fell for a golden duck due to an exceptional catch by keeper McCullum. Next in was Pietersen and together with Cook, they seemed to steady the ship. The pair were still at the crease when rain curtailed play for over 2 hours.

Upon the resumption of play, England fell apart. Daft shots and ridiculous run outs caused England to collapse from 90-2 to 158 all out. No dismissal was more farcical than that of Alastair Cook.

Ravi Bopara decided it would be a great idea to hit the ball straight to New Zealand's best fielder (Ross Taylor) and set off for a suicide single. Being the team player that he is, Cook tried to rescue the exigent situation and did his best to scamper up the pitch and try to prevent the loss of another England wicket. He was run out by a mile.

To make matters worse, Bopara played a painstaking innings from there on in and subsequently threw his wicket away. People will very quickly get annoyed with this laissez faire approach and the distinct lack of a sensible thought process.

On the other hand, Alastair Cook again played superbly for his innings of 53. Some would argue that he should have stood his ground and allowed Bopara to be run out. With more experience, he probably would have done so. However, he was completely innocent in his dismissal and one would only hope that Bopara later apologized for denying him a big innings. One can not be sure as to how many Cook would have gone on to make as the rest of the team hardly stuck around. However, had he stayed England's score might well have been upwards of 200; a much greater challenge under the constraints of Duckworth Lewis.

It is good to see that Cook is getting a fair run at the top of the order. He is a good complimenting opener to Mustard as he allows his colleague to take on the bowling. Despite missing out on the 20/20 matches, Cook has put in three very good performances so far on this tour and slowly his class seems to be showing through in the one-day arena. It is little wonder that he is being touted as the FEC. The man is only 23 years of age; yet he is playing with a humility and percipience that is frankly putting his senior counterparts to shame.

New Zealand's openers, McCullum and Ryder, showed no mercy whatsoever in their attempt at chasing down the inadequate total set by the opposition. England bowled very badly and the two batsmen slaughtered the bowling to take New Zealand past the winning post of 165 with 107 balls remaining. England had chances but wasted them; dropping McCullum on 0 and Ryder on 8. They finished on 80 and 79 respectively. Even so, England got what they deserved.

With the next game on Friday in Auckland, it is very hard to see how England are going to be able to pick themselves up in time. A plus for the visitors is that things really can't get much worse. Collingwood seemed keen on keeping an unchanged team for this match but after today's result, changes seem inevitable. Bell and Bopara both seem to be in torrid form and the only players who would be likely to come in for them are Luke Wright and Dimitri Mascarenhas. This would leave a probable batting order like so:

1. Alastair Cook
2. Phil Mustard (WK)
3. Kevin Pietersen
4. Paul Collingwood (Capt.)
5. Owais Shah
6. Dimitri Mascarehnas
7. Luke Wright
8. Greame Swann
9. Stuart Broad
10. Ryan Sidebottom
11. James Anderson

It is the opinion of many that Pietersen should bat at three because he is clearly England's best batsman. He should therefore be exposed to as much of the bowling as possible. On his day, Collingwood is most probably the side's second best one-day batsman, hence making him the obvious choice to be England's number four. Dimi Mascarehnas and Luke Wright both played well during the 20/20 series and would add a much needed impetus to the middle order.

England have talent, there is no doubt about that. They showed that they were made of sterner stuff during the 20/20s; yet their sudden loss of confidence is making them as weak as the rain water that disrupted play in Hamilton today. A promising, young and at times, exciting team they may be. It just seems at the moment, many of those promises are rather hollow.

Feeble England make Mascarenhas into a demi-God

The first thrashing was unexpected but far from shocking: England began their ODI tour of Sri Lanka with a similar shocker, and still won the series. Today's 10-wicket humbling, however, was something else. It is amazing how a side who recorded two consecutive series victories can appear so inadequate and hopeless, lacking in the most basic cricketing skills. For all the talk of England's revival as a one-day side under Paul Collingwood, which seemed palpable only four days ago, there are deep problems with the side.

Phil Mustard is still yet to pass 30 in seven ODI innings, but there are some signs of encouragement in his opening partnership with the contrasting Alastair Cook; 41 in 5.5 overs today is the sort of opening stand England too seldom enjoy. Patently, the problems exist beneath them, in the middle-order previously regarded as one of England's strengths.

With 420 runs at an average of 70 and strike-rate of 90 in the series with India, Ian Bell appeared to be maturing into a very fine one-day number three, capable of dictating the tempo of England's innings and possessing new-found assertiveness. Well, rubbish to all that. Bell has not reached 50 in 11 ODIs (plus two Twenty20 games) and seemingly lacks a coherent gameplan. So much time has been invested in him; and he has promised so much. There is no conceivable alternative at number three for the remainder of this series; but, if he cannot avert his slump with some intelligently-contstructed knocks soon, he will have to be replaced. Credible alternatives are dificult to find, however.

Kevin Pietersen, once the best one-day international batsman in the world, is undeniabely facing the first major slump of his career. He is losing some of his aura following a poor run, as he has succumbed to opposition plans and, on occasions, the fallibility of his concentration. England need him back to his best soon; Pietersen must pay the opposition the respect they deserve and there were fleeting signs of that today. Owais Shah, meanwhile, is still a man who offers much to the side even if he was guilty of serious misjudegements between the wickets in the first game. It would be hard to say the same for Ravi Bopara, however. Over-hyped following a fine innings in the World Cup in which he nonetheless faltered when it mattered most, he has only made one contribution of note since and, following a nightmarish debut Test series, both his technique and mind would clearly benefit from a break.

Replacing him must be Dimi Mascarenhas, who should never have been dropped following the Twenty20s, as many others have said. He is becoming a better player with every game he misses, though, and he will not solve England's ODI problems at a stroke. It is hard to overly judge the bowling after the limp batting displays, but James Anderson, whose control of line and length is astoundingly unreliable, should perhaps be replaced with Chris Tremlett, even if there would be a feeling of 'change for change's sake'.

What is undeniable is England have been utterly inept in their opening two games. Their batting is bereft of a discernible game-plan, too prone to brainless run-outs and collapses, simultaneously lacking assertiveness and caution. Gave or take the odd selection, this is more-or-less the best England have, and that is perhaps most worrying.

mick's clock

In Australia we have a very well respected football coach who some people despise.

He has a theory about how to judge when your footy team is ready to win the flag.

The premiership clock is what he calls it, and he works out where his side is and coaches them accordingly.

Between 11 and 1 is your chance at winning. Your team has the right mix, and this is their window.

Once you get to 2-4 you need to look at rebuilding. You’ve gone too far, you had your chance, which you either took it or not, now its time to start again.

5-7 is for rebuilding, your team is sh1t, so you have picked a bunch of young kids and are hoping like hell they become good.

8-10 is teams who are almost ready, but not quite. You are almost there, but you’ve won jack all.

So what time is it for your test team?

Australia

In 2005/06 they were at 1, but now they are back to 10. If guys like Jacques, Haddin and Johnson step up they go straight back to 11 and will be there for a while. If not, they could end up at 3 or 9 quickly.

Bangladesh

They are firmly at 6. Up near the north pole in Alaska and such, there are times when its permanently dark or light. In Bangladesh its permanently 6.

(the) England

They are at 3, but no one seems to have told them. A seemingly intelligent man is betting they are at 9, but I think his clock is upside down. Only a Fredacle could change that.

India

Alot of Indian supporters will tell you they are at 11, but they could actually be at 2. They have a very old middle order, and in Australia the two young guns Jaffer and Yuvraj were horrible, so what if the old fellas are finished up. Their bowling is good, but it is not going to be good enough to carry an aging batting order or an inexperienced one.

New Zealand

They get a 7 instead of a 6 because of appointing a youngish captain. Everything else about them screams 6. They have quite a bit of rebuilding ahead of them just to become ordinary.

Pakistan

I thought they were better than a 7, but a look at their recent record suggests 7 is as good as it gets. They are a long way from good, but they are young, and that’s better than being old and ©rap.

South Africa

They are at 4, and they believe they are at 10. Their batting is old and fragile, and with Ntini losing form and Pollock losing his spot, their bowling is relying on a youngster and a mental patient. They need to get rid of a lot of dead wood, but there doesn’t seem to be any good players pushing through.

Sri Lanka

Hmmm, how long can a probotic captain hold back this side. How good is Kumar, how long will Murali bowl for? I say 8.30, but there are a lot of holes in their side, but Kumar is coming into his own and Murali isn’t slowing down, so its an 8, but they could easily end up at 3 without knowing how.

West Indies

I’m willing to give them a 7. They have a better line up right now than they have had in a while. They have a lot of young cricketers with potential and some middle aged guys who can play, they may stay at 7 or creep to 8.

Zimbabwe

Mugabe has banned all clocks. Apparently time is subversive.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Matty Retires

Matthew Elliott did not have a psyche designed for International cricket.

You could argue that the competitive sport of amateur table tennis would have troubled him.

He was the flower that grew on the empty mountain, not in a beautiful garden.

He was weird, he didn’t fit in, was quiet and intense and made his team mates nervous.

Batting wise he was a genius, but very rarely did we see that internationally.

International cricket is a mental test even more than it’s a physical test, and for whatever reason matty could never conquer it.

If you compare him purely as a batsmen to Mark Taylor or Justin Langer, he is simply twice as talented, but the game got to him, and they played to their maximum to make it.

If you have never seen Elliott in full flight you have missed something brilliant.

His cover drives and pull shots were as aesthetically pleasing as anyone before him.

For years I held on to a grotty old photo of Herb playing a cover drive to perfection, the photo was hypnotic.

I still remember a pull shot he played off Allan Donald one day, it never went more than 3 meters off the ground and it went for six.

Players of his class don’t come along very often, just a shame he never showed the world that.

You can read more of me tossing off on Matthew Elliott over here.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

one day cricket at its wettest

The cricket is back on in canberra and hamilton.

No one is sure why two games were scheduled on either side of the ditch in cities that inhabitated on the same day.

Maybe cricket administracrats do have a sense of humour.

Sportsfreak are giving a ball by rain blow of the Kiwis v Poms game.

Mind you he seems more concerned with everything that is being said about Oram, so far he has not been referred to as the perfect boy friend.

The Indians have just finished their 29 over innings, with Dhoni continuing to spank the Lankans, and Sharma (the non adams apple one) batted very well to get the Indians close to 200.

The old Manuka wicket is a bit hard to get a grip on, but the Lankans should win this and therefore deflate the Indians from their rightfully bloated nature following their win in melbourne.

I would go into more detail, but i'm working, and its really hard to work whilst swapping between two games of cricket.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

ICL pilfering my words

The ICL want to pay everyone but me.

Which is a shame because I have no contract that excludes me from writing for cash.

I work very cheap, but the ICL have decided my writing is great when it’s free, but paying me would be ridiculous.

The ICLtalk.com forum is obviously an official forum, because no one reads it, and my words up are there a matter of moments after I have posted them.

Then after using my own words to fuel their competition of old farts and Indian rejects, they can’t even give a link back to my site, should anyone happen to actually read my posts over there.

This is a competition with more money than Mexico, and I can’t get a slice of the pie.

I’m willing to be flown to India and write my blogs on the day to day happenings of the ICL, with minimum of p1ss taking.

I can even bring my camera over and do a documentary on Russel Arnold and Ian Harvey, a love story of middle order fringe players.

I could write songs about the Icl, like “ICL, its like the IPL, only dodgy’l. Oh ICL, we’re going to hell, and we’re taking Chris Read and his smell.” Catchy, isn’t it.

Or perhaps I could play as a not so celebrity player, I must be as good as at least a few of the players, and fitter than others.

I’ll work on my wrong’un as I eagerly await the ICL’s reply.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Don't speak roy

The American government is quick to pounce on Communists, Muslims, copyright infringers and anyone who restricts free speech or free trade.

But do they attack the Cricket Australia board for muting Roy, no.

And do you know why, because it’s a conspiracy involving the CIA and the Giant Lizards of the world to shut Roy up and then take over the game.

Never mind the fact that when you let him speak he often sounds like a dill.

If Roy and his merry men are angry with the freemasons, scientology, Cricket Australia or any other wacky organisation they should be able to say so.

Publicly even.

Cricket Australia does not want free speech, because players may inform them, and us, that they are d1ckheads.

And who likes to be told they’re a d1ckhead, generally only the sort of guy that would hire a dominatrix.

Cricket Australia sent out a bow tie wearing administracrat to say that they were just concerned with what Roy was saying, as his facts were not the same as their facts.

That’s probably because his opinion was different to their opinion.

How long will it be before every team has a CIA spy, I mean we already have Giant Alien Lizards playing the game.

Once the spies and lizards have taken over, then the players can be pensioned off and the sons of the cricket administracrats and the cultural elite can play. And that is not an Adam Bacher joke.

Cricket is reliant on cricket players, it is not reliant on cricket administracrats.

If all the cricket administracrats were too suddenly to die of syphilis, cricket would continue with only a brief morning period.

And perhaps a one day game where all the profits went towards syphilis research.

We want to hear what players have on their minds, we are sick of being of cricket being diluted.

Give us our cricketers and their insane words, we much prefer them to your generic double speak and politically correct gibberish.

We also would like Roy to wear a bow tie, just once. Or am I objectifying him?www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

cricket fashion watch

One day uniforms have always been odd.

Australia had it’s fixation with canary yellow.

The Asian teams preferred ill fitting tops that looked cheap.

And the West Indies once wore pink.

For a while there i thought the admistracrats were on track with fashion, but i was wrong.

Ricky Ponting’s chaps currently wear something that zips up to their necks, similar to what my gay friends wear. That’s the one day strip, but the 2020 strip involves a bicep hugging top that was previously the domain of boy bands and hides nothing on the chunkier boys.

The Indian team have come up with a brilliant design which includes handkerchiefs on their elbows. And knee pads (I think) for the players to use when they fall over when they are attempting a dive.

Fashion and cricket have never looked so good.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

batsmen need culling

The G had grass on the wicket, so there was a different kind of one day game played last night.

You may remember this kind, where bowlers enjoy themselves.

The Indian bowlers enjoyed themselves immensely and the Aussies ended up 150 odd.

The Aussie bowlers were frothing at the mouth to get to the wicket, but when they got there they were too anxious, you know what I’m talking about ladies.

Most people don’t like one dayers whhen the bowlers dictate.

But most people are idiots.

My perfect one day game would be one team making 184, and the other making 183 and Inzy getting run out.

Perhaps I remember them fondly from my youth, or perhaps, I’m a cricket sadist.

Batsmen get it all too easy these days, how else could you explain Sourav Ganguly and Graeme Smith.

Flat decks, ropes in the outfield, hard replacement balls, and 20 over field restrictions are making batsmen look good.

Who wants to see batsmen look good all the time.

I want to see them bleed, I want them to count their bruises at the end of a match, I want them to be stumped by 4 meters and then fall over in a final act of indecency.

I want them to be publicly pantsed.

I want them to be so angry they hit the dude who opens the gate for them.

I want a batsman to go insane with rage and start a battle to the death with the bowler who has just got him out.

I want wickets with more life in them than a Mormon.

I want wickets who practice adultery, go to swingers parties, engage in public fornication and enjoy all the pleasures of anal $ex.

I want Shaun Tait to come back and literally rip the throat out of some poor helpless English opening batsmen with a ball on a good length.

I want Murali to spin the ball so far he has to land them off the cut strip.

I want a ban on elbow guards, inner thigh pads, chest guards and any other nancy boy protection.

I want Tony Greig to be publicly executed for bring “crash helmets” into cricket.

I want tail enders to think about how much they love their family before they get in behind a Dale Steyn delivery.

I want batsmen to get hot on the first morning of a match, and to get bamboozled by spin of the last afternoon.

I want blood, carnage and wickets.

I want to know a batsmen can bat, not just watch him flay away bowlers on wickets flatter than an 8 year olds chest.

I want pain, lots and lots of pain for batsmen, mental, physical and otherwise.

I want bowlers to rule again.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

two new new zealand blogs

300 people live in New Zealand, but they have at least 2 cricket blogs and the world famous Sportsfreak.

This one is all official and such, and likes Proboters.

This one thinks we're obscene and objectify women, who are we to argue.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Adam don't like Badonkadonk

Adam Parore was a pretty handy keeper batsman for the Kiwis back in the day.

He didn’t set the world on fire, but he sure had some balls on him.

If I remember correctly, he used to take an hour to face up to every ball.

Sledging was his main focus in cricket, so he is someone I always admired.

Now he is in the media, and he still is only a battler, but his sledging is top notch as per usual.

He is quickly becoming the new Neil Harvey/Bishen Bedi, which means no one other than journalists looking for a rent a quote will talk to him.

Recently he has taken to bagging the new fat kid in town, Jesse Ryder.

Bagging fat people is still in, its below racism and sexism, so you don't get in trouble for saying it yet.

His official words were, “Hey fatso, your too fu©king fat too play for the Kiwis, why don’t you fu©k off to Australia and do that old bird that Mark Waugh used to shag.” Not particularly nice, but it does have a lovely flow too it.

When Jesse was allowed to reply, it was hard to hear his response, as he had 4 big macs and a subway eat fresh 7 foot long sub (with minus 3 grams of fat) in his mouth.

But it sounded like “Fu©king Parore, that fu©king @sshole, he’s a fu©king ©unt and everyone knows it, betcha he didn’t tell Greatbatch or McMillan to fu©k off for being fat. No money in it for him, pass the fries will ya dude.” Good use of the word dude.

Personally I think we should have more fat cricketers, who occasionally don’t turn up for matches and threaten to play for other countries. That could only be a good thing for cricket.

I used to hate Jacques Kallis, but now he is fat, and balding, I only despise him, and I think I’m a better man for it.

And for the NZ cricket administracrats it opens up a whole new world of marketing.

Jesse Ryder fat camps, attendance non compulsory.

Jesse on Dr Phil.

Jesse's new single, Baby's got back.

Jesse diet shakes, they give you the runs.

And the Jesse Ryder work out video, with him clad in spandex, eating burgers and scratching himself.

That is something we all want to see.

Also his first headline after making some runs is easy to write.

Ryder’s Appetite For Runs is Huge, Jesse scores big, Jesse's huge numbers, Jessie devours attack, Jesse is big and fat but he sure can bat....www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Graeme is desperate and dateless

I’m a big fan of quotes.

Always been a thing of mine.

Cricinfo has a quotes section on their site and I love going over there, mind you its about the only section of cricinfo I read these days.

I found this one the other day.
"It's kind of hard to go on one date, have a nice dinner and then say: 'That was nice - what are you doing in six weeks' time? I'm going to Chittagong.'" Graeme Smith in an interview with the Cape Times on why he is still single I’m not an expert on what ladies find attractive or not, but surely being the captain of your country, playing cricket professionally and travelling the world would entice some silly little girl into saying "I wuv you smithy".

The bigger question may be, is it possible to have dinner with Graeme Smith and for it to be nice.

I suggest four reasons that could explain why Graeme Smith doesn’t have a girlfriend.

One, because he is a homosexual. By calling Graeme Smith a potential man lover, I apologise to the whole gay community in the sincere way that Eminem did.

Two, because he likes to shag around, and who can blame him, it’s the women who lower themselves I blame.

Three, because he is a ©unt.

Four, because he is a fu©king south african ©unt.

Seriously Graeme, in a world where Jacques Kallis goes out with Cindy Nel and blokes like Lyle Lovett and Tom Green have dated hollywood royalty, I’m sure you can find some pathetic creature who is a blind deaf mute, with a limp, to share those cold and lonely nights in Chittagong.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Kerry would be disheartened

A lot of media sources, ex cricketers and annoying taxi drivers have been telling me this is going to be a great one day series.

The world cup finalists and the 2020 title holders together in an orgy of exciting cricket, what could be better.

So far this has not happened.

First it was rain, which sucks.

Then Sri Lanka let Dhoni and Gambir use and abuse them like Mail order brides.

And then the Lankans fell apart against the Aussies.

What is wrong with Sri Lanka, terrorists and Arjuna Ranatunga aside.

They have what could be a very good cricket team.

Good opening pair, sure one of them is 84 years old, but its still an explosive base.

Best (or second best) number 3 in the world, a man who like Ponting does not hide himself at number 4 like a bunch of other pansies do.

Jayawardene is one hell of a batsmen, his captaining is taken from a manual titled ‘Better captaining through positive thinking”, but he can still get the job done.

Silva and Dilshan are pretty hand middle order players as well.

They have 3 world class bowlers, even if one is passed his best.

So what is their problem?

Sure they have only lost one game, but who am I wait until all the evidence is in, I want to label them horrible now.

This is the last tri series in Australia, we can’t have it ballsed up by a team that makes the world cup final one day, and loses to England at home the next.

Lets all hope the King brings them back to life.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Mustard and Mascarenhas offer much encouragement

England's tour to New Zealand has begun in the best possible way, with consecutive thrashings - in Twenty20 terms, at least - of the hosts. They will now be confident of winning the two more significant series that await.

There is only so much one can read into two Twenty20 victories against a depleted side, but they were further proof of the fine effect Paul Collingwood is having as skipper of the limited-overs side. They illustrated the extent to which Ryan Sidebottom was missed in the Twenty20 World Cup; he continues to impress, even when, as in the second game, there is no swing. Phil Mustard's 61 runs off 37 balls over the two games showed he can score at the rate required of a pinch-hitter, which Matt Prior never did. However, he still needs some substantial scores in the ODI series to justify England's obsession with trying to replicate Australia in opening with their wicket-keeper. Last domestic season, Mustard averaged 49 opening the batting in 40 and 50-over cricket, which shows he deserves a run in the side there. But Tim Ambrose, batting in the middle-order, was explosive for Warwickshire, averaging almost 70, with two centuries.

The exploits of Dimitri Mascarenhas, who mixed frugal bowling with some characteristically brutal hitting, mean he deserves to retain his place, at seven, for the ODI series, meaning 'golden boys' Ravi Bopara and Luke Wright will have to watch from the sidelines. Alongside Mascarenhas, England's line up should include Collingwood, Swann and Broad, a quartet of three-dimensional cricketers who give England real depth with both bat and ball. These are encouraging times for England's limited-overs side, at least: a third consecutive ODI series win is very much expected, even if Messrs Oram and Vettori return.

The SCG pitch

Let me start with this, the MCG pitch is horrible.

It's a drop kick of a drop in pitch.

If it was a dog you would pay an Ice addict to kick its head in.

Everyone knows this, everyone mentions it.

But what about Sydney's pitch, it seems to be getting worse every game.

As usual its a shocking pitch to bat on today, it almost always is, yet it doesn't seem to get the bad press it deserves.

The channel 9 commentary team treat the ground likes its a god like place for virgins and greek gods.

I understand that there has been rain in Sydney, so that may excuse this particular pitch, but what about the last 15 times its been a (c)rap pitch, what is the excuse for that.

Let's just cut the (c)rap gentleman, lets call a spade a weapon of grass destruction and the Scg a pitch you a shit cricket stage that you wouldn't have your mother in law buried under.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Uncle J rod's guide to writing a cricket blog

One dayers bore me, so instead of putting up nude pictures of Shane Watson, praising Australia’s most in form Spinner, CWB’s Bryce McGain or writing about cricketers being good boyfriends, I thought I’d give a 12 part series (probably less than 12) on how to write cricket blogs.

Perhaps I’ll learn something.

Episode one.

Why write a cricket blog?

Everyone wants to write a cricket blog, they are in the in thing.

Britney Spears is in rehab because she can’t write one.

Ol Heath got disappointed with his blog and couldn’t sleep it off.

And Russell Crowe throws phones because everytime he goes to write a cricket blog, Martin Crowe makes a weird press conference.

When writing a cricket blog you must ask yourself one question, am I interesting, the answer is no. Therefore a cricket blog will automatically make you more interesting. So hurry up and write one.

What are you trying to say? Do you have an over riding agenda, like to make china a superpower in cricket, or to get Robert Key promoted. Are y the political and social aspects of the game what you wanna deal with. Perhaps it’s the pop culture that you wax lyrical about. Or you’re a pervert who wants to include sexual references into every day cricket talk. It would help if you knew what your message was.

Has someone else said it already? Is there really a need for your cricket views to be given their own blog. Couldn’t it work better on forums, and in the comments of other blogs. Hasn’t someone else talked about Tim May’s ill fitting suits, isn’t there enough information on Dhoni’s love life, do you have a truly original cricket pun in you? There are a million cricket blogs, so before you start one, go through them all and see if you have something to say that hasn’t been said before. Or copy from them.

Do you have the time to make a cricket blog? Unless your like me, and can write a blog in 8 minutes, a blog can take a lot of time. Sometimes nothing happens in cricket, sometimes you don’t want to write about cricket, sometimes your mum won’t get out of your room and from time to time cricket is boring. All these things make it harder to write about cricket, will you be able to write 3 or 4 times a week, and make it interesting.

How will I say it? Is your words good, did your mum say you was really good. Writing about cricket is the same as writing about anything, you have to know what you are talking about, and make it interesting to read, other wise you should just get a job at cricinfo. Even if you’re a very intelligent witty person, if you can’t translate that into a cricket blog, you may as well not make an @ss clown of yourself.

Do you have a thick skin? What if your writing style is called playschoolesque and someone says you should forget about using a keyboard and start using crayons. What if your words are called rubbish, racist, misogynist drivel, will you be able to soldier on or will you fold. Remember most people are @ssholes, and they don't care that you put your heart and soul into bagging Shaun Pollock, they just hate you for no good reason, or they have red hair.

Is having a cricket blog going to get you laid? Sure.

Are my opinions ludacris enough to be laughed at by the mainstream media? I would certainly hope so, if you aren't going to whinge about commentators, invent conspiracy theories, laugh at (c)rap cricketers, compare test teams to women you have slept with, why are you thinking of making a blog. Cricket blogs are not for fair and balanced cricket theorists, they are for raving looneys who think Sourav Ganguly is infact a giant lizard sent by aliens to destroy us all. Do you have that in you?

Why do you want to write a cricket blog? If it isn’t because you want to take over the world, then is there really a point.

Do you have a big enough ego? Are you self important enough to think your views on cricket are so much cleverer than all the professional journalists and ex players who sprout them ad nausea every other day. It better be. You must at least think you have more to add to the cricket world than say Tony Greig.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Three Jeers for Kaspa

It is with great excitement that I can write that the man with the fattest ass in international cricket, Michael Kasprowicz, has announced his retirement.

Never has a man, with no talent, been given more of an opportunity to play for his country than the "old warhorse" that is Kaspa.

His ridiculously short pitched bowling meant that he ensured the batsmen had plenty of time to get on the back foot and choose his next shot. His frightening speed had them all quivering too!!!

The bloke could not swing the ball or move the ball off the wicket - in the end he couldn't even bowl fast offies.

I was unfortunate enough to see his first ODI wicket at the MCG - both Sime and I thought that the ball hit him on the foot given its length - no doubt Sherwin Campbell cannot believe that he played the dumbest shot to third man to get out.

I am glad to see the end of Kaspa, because you could just never second guess the Australian selectors - you just knew that he was always the next in line - irrespective of the form of other Aussie domestic cricketers.

Good riddens to you Kaspa, now may that ass come to good use - Trevor Hohns enjoyed it whilst being chairman of selectors and I reckon there might be a spot in his retirement home just for you.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

My retirement

I have called this press conference to announce my retirement from International and First class cricket.

I understand that I don't play International or First Class cricket and that this is not a real press conference.

Please hold all your questions till the end.

I realise that 28 is a very young age to announce my retirement, but I was prejudiced by the fact I have not yet played district cricket and therefore I see my promotion opportunities as slim to none.

Also I would like to spend more time with family and friends, but for the next little while I may be busy with hookers and cocaine.

My first class career, while non existent, was still very fulfilling, and I'm sure, had I played, I would come to love my team mates. Even Brad Hodge.

My international career was as illustrious as my first class career. Representing your country is an honour, and one that I will never cherish. Had I played I would like to think I could have convinced Ponting, through gentle jibes, that there is no need for artificial turf on top.

I will not regale you with my career highlights, as you know them all, but I would like to thank my sponsors, the pizza bar, cinema nova and blogger for their continued support over the years.

I’d also like to thank my wife, my mistress, her mistress, my children and the child I thought was mine but happened to be Michael Slaters, for the love they have given me.

I know some of you are sad, but you should know I am going out on top, and I know that it’s time to move into the next phase of my life, filming home $ex videos and going to jail for payroll fraud.

When thinking of retirement I was reminded of a conversation I had with Allan Border 7 years ago. He said "How ya going" and from that I sensed that one day I wouldn’t be going well and would know it was time to leave the international arena.

I will continue to play cricket for the Whoseaboutits indoor cricket team, for as long as I can catch public transport to the indoor centre.

I hope you will give me personal space during this transitional period.

Thank you, oh and by the way, I see the sports media as the boil on the @ss of humanity.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

shane watson nude

www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Victoria's navy blue hope

Dearest Bryce,

We think you’re really cool.

We don’t care what other people say, you are the coolest mother fu©ker on the planet.

Way cooler than say, Ian Thorpe or Hulk Hogan.

From now on we pledge allegiance to you, and only you.

Victoria needs an Australian test player.

Read here for the full letter.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

The Perfect Boyfriend

...
Women are weird, no doubt. They are harder to work out than HTML codes and what shoes are cool right now.

In my travels I have met a lot of them, mostly through rejections, and I have come to learn some things about them.

A great deal of women, which is now know as a vajority, want a man who can protect them from the elements, while being gentle in those quieter moments on the couch.

This is obviously not all women, as the woman who repeatedly asked me to choke her wasn’t so much into gentleness, but for the purpose of this post let's pretend its all women.

A female friend of mine said her experience had taught her that all women (not all, some, a vajority perhaps) want a man who can be hard on the outside and soft on the inside.

Unfortunately for me, I’m soft on the outside and hard on the inside.

But Jacob Oram is hard on the outside and soft on the inside.

Let me explain this.

He bats like John McLane would. It isn’t always pretty, there are some moments you aren’t sure he is going to make it, he ends up battered and bruised, but by the end he has slayed the bad guys and kept us entertained.

When he bowls he shows a feminine side not many men his size can project. He trundles in like some sort of Oprah bowler, which is much different than being a Jerry Springer bowler like Andre Nel or Sreesanth.

This is what makes him the perfect boyfriend.

To his mates he shows a tough guy demeanour, slogging the ball out of the park and carrying his decrepit team mates on his back through another collapse. The sort of guy who would defend a ladies honour with a bloody bar fight.

But after the bar fight, as the lady, whose honour is intact, is stitching him back up, he shows his sensitive side as the alcohol and needles cause him to flinch and open up about past loves and scars that show just a hint of melancholy below his rock hard exterior.

Then they make sweet sweet love. He is gentle and giving, but as much as she enjoys it, some deep primal urge wishes that he would just rip her clothes off and make love to her in the wild abandon that he showed in the bar.

Unfortunately for her (NZ), all his anger is reserved for bar room brawls (batting) and cannot be used in the making of love (bowling)

Ok so maybe not the perfect boyfriend then, but I bet he remembers her birthday.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

redbacks are venomless

...
South Australia took a punt with their captain, the selected someone who looked like he came from a private school young conservatives training camp and gave him the job.

Never mind that he has only ever had one good year of first class cricket and a batting average worse than a West Indian youngster.

Nathan Adcock wasn’t a bad captain, it would be a hard to lead a team that are this hopeless.

Adcock has talent as a batsman, but he doesn’t make runs, and never has, so making him captain seemed like an odd decision at the time.

This year he has bowled better than Dan Cullen, but probably batted worse, and after about 7 games of him hardly making a cracker he has been fired.

Replaced by a middle-aged keeper batsman who was probably surprised he didn’t get the job in the first place.

Lets look at what the South Australia team has given the national side of recent times.

The fastest bowler in the world who earns over 400,000 bucks a year for not playing.

A batsman less fit than me, that comes back from England every year with an extra chin.

The champion prodigal spinning team of the shirt shifter, and the leg spinning saviour. One who can't get wickets, and the other can't get a game.

The only players they have that are any good are on the McGain side of 30 and are of no use to anyone.

So with no young players pushing for selection, a captain dismissed for poor form and their fast bowling legend getting king hit I can see no other option but for South Australia to be relegated to district ranks.

Perhaps Canberra or NT could be promoted.

Maybe even New Zealand.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

2020 kiwi style

[b]The boys at Sportsfreak are excited about the English tour, but not so much by the 2020 game that starts it. [/b]

A rarity in New Zealand sport starts tonight; an international cricket tour lasting for 2 months. This is the real thing; not just the usual annual 3 week trip from Sri Lanka which normally only starts to get going by the time the final match comes along.

And in keeping with the New Age of World Cricket we start it all with a 20/20 match played between an England team of players with funny names, and a New Zealand X which also includes Scott Styris who is playing solely for the size of his impending ICL contract.

Whatever people may think of this form of the game, tonight’s crowd is likely to be the largest of the entire tour.

There is some interesting scheduling around this game. Clearly, NZ Cricket found it difficult to work out which out of Auckland and Christchurch should have the bonus of hosting a cash-cow 20/20 international on a public holiday which falls tomorrow. So they came up with the brilliant solution of giving it to neither of them. This imagination when coming up with a cop-out in the face of a tricky dilemma is becoming a forte of the current management.

Most of the points of interest in tonight’s game are a side-show to the real event. Like most health warnings, if you accept that before it starts, things are much easier to handle.

The most exciting yet unproven batsmen on either team, Luke Wright and Jessie Ryder, will not be around in March.

If Brendan McCullum captains like he bats we are in for some surprises. But this tenure is unlikely to last a week.

The selectors clearly see something in 19 year-old Tim Southee. A couple of 20/20 hit-outs is unlikely to be long enough for the rest of us to see what that might possibly be.

Dimitri Mascarenhas and Paul Hitchcock are probably going to be the most economical bowlers in display with 24 different tricks stored up for their spells. Neither are remotely close to a test side.

New Zealanders get to see Phil Mustard for the first time, albeit briefly. Some people rate him highly, but he is not wanted by the test selectors simply because he is not Australian.

There will be some minor early indications of how the next few weeks will pan out. England’s best batsman to date has been Alistair mini-Fleming Cook. He has criminally been ignored by the England ODI selectors to date, but is rumoured to be starting here. At least that keeps the odious Strauss out of the side.

So who will win? Go grab a coin, throw it in the air Mexican Wave style and you’ve got the answer.

Traditional wisdom says that the side with the most left-handed batsmen will win at Eden Park. Even using this scientific gauge it’s 2-2.

So we predict a bowl-off; with the home side coming through on the back of deafening support from the baying crowd.

A footnote: Cricinfo has Chris Martin down as batting at #9 in this match. When did they develop a sense of humour?www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

A brighter future for county cricket...hopefully.

Today, the E.C.B. has announced that £30 million will be ploughed into the county game and upwards of 2000 community clubs across the country. This money is primarily going to be used to update venues of all 18 first-class counties, to ensure that international standard floodlights are installed. For leading county grounds there is the added bonus of improved drainage.

County cricket always takes second place to internationals and rightfully so; but it doesn't need to be as far behind as it is currently. With the advent of 20/20 cricket, the financial benefits and increased popularity associated with floodlit cricket have been further confirmed. More floodlights mean more day-night matches. More day-night matches mean more spectators and more money for the game. This money then can be reinvested into bigger and better things.

As with all investment, it needs to be carried out thoroughly and short cuts shouldn't be considered. Let's for example, take a look at the county ground, Bristol. In 2007, it staged a day-night ODI between England and India (India ending up winners by 9 runs). This match was played with four small floodlights all at one side of the ground. This would be an unacceptable waste of funding if such an arrangement was to be made to make this a permanent. If floodlights are to be installed, they should look to install big towers all around the ground, such as those used in Australia. This would make viewing and playing much easier.

Part of the E.C.B’s long-term county reformation plan will see large international grounds, such as Old Trafford, being entitled to funding for better drainage. It would be good to see this on a par with the standards at Lords. Such drainage would be fantastic and would clearly allow for much more cricket to be played.

Is it fair however, that non-international grounds shouldn't have improved drainage? County grounds such as Glamorgan, Derbyshire and Worcestershire appear to be somewhat neglected due to not being hosts of test matches. This is disappointing to see. All grounds should be improved to allow for as much cricket as possible. It is only right that in this day of sky-high ticket prices and non-terrestrial TV coverage, that the followers of this great game get their money's worth.

eggs and lankans

Everyone thinks an egg was thrown at murali.

Seems a little convenient to me.

After all, it wasn’t Murali who was hit, it was a selector.

A selector was hit by an egg in Hobart.

A Sri Lankan selector (read muppet) was hit by an egg in Hobart, the place where Marvin Attapattu played his last test match.

Stop trying to make this an anti Chucker incident, Marvin got p1ssed and attacked a muppet, it’s about time.

If it wasn’t Marvin, I hope it was someone from the Muppet alliance that Sime and I formed after his wise words were beamed around the world.

Recently someone through an egg at me as I was walking down the street, it was probably a Shaun Pollock fan.

Although it was dark, and they probably just threw it at me because they wanted to throw an egg, not because they could see a world famous blogger while they were dricing at night after a few lagers.

I wanted to chase them down the street. But being that they were in a car, and I was shocked by the fact an egg had been thrown at me, they just managed to get away by a kilometre or so.

With Murali the situation was different, cause he’s a little darker than I am.

It’s not overly hard to believe that a bunch of dark men in Tasmania had eggs thrown at them, it has never been overly known for its ethnic tolerance.

Ponting was very upset, he was heard to say, Tasmania should become a more racial tolerant state like his state of Nsw.

The Sri Lankans have asked for omelettes to be banned from all hotels for the rest of the tour.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

replacing gilly with a human

Wicket keepers are great.

No really they are.

But Australia is losing one, so it is now their turn to look into the pantry cupboard to see what there is on the shelf.

Brad Haddin is the breakfast serial that is marketed as “tastes great and is good for you”. In other words you know that it’s going to let you down one way or the other, you just hope it’s not both. He can seriously bat, and he can catch the ball more often than not. Could possibly bat at 6 with some one like Noffke or McDonald behind him. He is the sound logical choice, so I’ll look elsewhere.

Luke Ronchi is pancake mix, sure homemade pancakes are better, but this is easier, and your pancakes will come quickly. Negative points are his Kiwi heritage, positive points, he hits the ball like it cheated him in a card game. Is good enough to get picked as batsmen in the best domestic batting line up in the world. Only in Australia would he not be an automatic selection.

Adam Crosthwaite is the bag of chips, sure they taste good, but you can’t eat them for 5 days. His keeping is top notch, his batting is dyslexic. The other night he won a game off his helmet, and he is by far Victoria’s best batsmen under pressure. But a sever lack of runs means he is only an automatic selection in one dayers and 2020. Is willing to cheat, which should be a pre requisite for Australian keepers, especially after the last few years of the saint walker behind the stumps.

Chris Hartley is a Soda Fountain, in the 50’s everyone had one, but not many of us have them now. The boy can seriously wicket keep, but he can only just bat, and like Darren Berry before him he was born in the wrong generation. If John Howard gets re elected and the world starts commie bashing again, he may just wicket keep for Australia.

And Tim Paine is like the expensive bottle of wine you put in the bottom of your pantry because you can’t afford to put it in a better spot, it will age well. Look the boy isn’t quite ready, but if the selectors want to make a Healy choice, which they won’t, this is the man you would pick. He is a good enough batsman to open for Tassie, and it would be good for Australian cricket if a Tasmanian was in the test team.

Paine is my choice, that’s because I’m crazy in the coconut.

I've written about this before, but this time i took it seriously.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Player Discussion : Rahul Dravid - the perfect coaching manual?

Author: dips_decemberSubject: Rahul Dravid - the perfect coaching manual?Posted: 01 February 2008 at 7:35amWhat about the other aspects? Like the way he presents himself, his concentration, stamina etc..i want you to look at all aspects of his game and then comment..not that Kallis is bad, he has probably got a better technique than Dravid now but still..

Player Discussion : Best players of spin bowling

Author: spin wizardSubject: Best players of spin bowlingPosted: 29 January 2008 at 4:09pmZuhair, how can you rate Inzi better against spin than Sachin. Have you ever seen the way Sachin treats spinners as if they can't bowl?

International News : Gilchrist announces his retirement

Author: Max PowerSubject: Gilchrist announces his retirementPosted: 30 January 2008 at 1:26pmA great player that changed the way gloveman are thought of, we'll miss you Gilly!

International News : Shaun Tait quits cricket indefinitely

Author: spin wizardSubject: Shaun Tait quits cricket indefinitelyPosted: 29 January 2008 at 4:04pmShaun Tait never really impressed me to become a terrific bowler. As I said in a couple threads before, if there was no Bracken or Mcgrath to hide all the runs he leaked, he would have been dumped or if he was sticked with, he would have been seen less successful in others eyes. Anyhow, I do feel it for him in what he's going through. I hope he recovers soon as watching an express bowler is a joy for all, especially from a stadium. Good luck Taity and for Australia's sake, lose some of your erraticness even if it means taking a wicket less per game.

International News : Dippenaar quits international cricket.

Author: ClobberSubject: Dippenaar quits international cricket.Posted: 02 February 2008 at 11:33amI'm not a huge fan of his batting but he seems a nice guy and I hope he does well for us the next couple of summers

Facts, Stats & Records : Sri Lankans tripple Highscore Records

Author: bondySubject: Sri Lankans tripple Highscore RecordsPosted: 02 February 2008 at 10:22pmAmusing clobber, but worthwhile?  The pitches in the latest India v Australia series were perfect; in the four tests we had:  Adelaide- batsman's paradise, with a bit in it for the bowlers toward the end. Perth: Was better than past pitches, had a bit in it for the bowlers, but still was good enough for 500 + first innings scores.  SCG: provided movement for the quicks, but wasn't too dangerous for the batsman as well as the usual turn the pitch generates- especially toward the later stages.  MCG: a drop-in pitch, though it generally provides a result, one Australia usually take advantage of in the first test of a series before the opposition team have had time to settle.  There was a bit of pace and bounce as well as swing in every pitch, followed by a flattening out period, which favours almost every type of cricketer.Edited by bondy - Yesterday at 10:23pm

Player Discussion : Gilchrist - greatest wicket keeper batsman?

Author: spin wizardSubject: Gilchrist - greatest wicket keeper batsman?Posted: 28 January 2008 at 5:49pmIt will be hard to rate them all batting wise because their role was different. Gilly is mostly in to carnage bowlers as the top did the work, but not always. Sometimes, he came in with the team in a mess and took the game away from the opposition. But I think you can safely say he's the greatest wicket keeper batsman. Great batsmen dominate, Gilly got that and his keeping was very good although not the very best.

Player Discussion : Best Player - Countrywise

Author: ClobberSubject: Best Player - CountrywisePosted: 31 January 2008 at 11:55amthere's a big thread on this somewhere already

The windies

The West Indies are horrible.

We have all dealt with that.

But with if they are less horrible than say waking up with Tori Spelling on your shoulder.

In South Africa there have been signs that there is a cricket team hiding behind the guys in Maroon shirts.

They won a test, a rained reduced 2020 game, and then struggled in the one day series.

This is a team who has had Gayle & Sarwan missing for huge periods of time.

Lack of depth not withstanding, I think this very young team has something about them.

Devon Smith proved today, in this frustrating water soaked game, that he can bat. If you think he can’t bat, every time you see Smith pretend it’s Ganga.

Smith & Gayle at the top of the order. And with McGrath’s best mate Sarwan at 3, its something of a top 3. It’s not Cook, Vaughn and Bell (which is no hayden, jacques and Ponting) but it has flair, fight and unpredictability.

Following them is Chandrepaul, no point him batting any lower, especially as he is terrible batting with the tail and should be batting in the top four as the best batsman,

Samuels has shown signs on this tour that he actually cares and behind him is Dwayne Bravo. Samuels & Bravo obviously have talent, and from what I’ve seen of the replacements, you are better off dancing with these guys than finding a new partner.

Bravo would probably be a far better batsman if he wasn’t an all rounder, but an all rounder with his skill doesn’t come along all that often. Bravo is a more than decent bowler, and most importantly he is an all rounder who can actually take wickets. There isn’t many number 6 batsman who are as good with the ball as he is.

Ramdin is just a keeper and just a batsman, but he seems like a fighter, just a shame he is always in the wrong division. Also has a very tiny head, looks weird in a helmet.

Their bowling is not too shabby. Edwards, Powell and Taylor all have pace and what marketing execs refer to as the X factor. Edwards is a real favourite of mine, I think he’s a little nuts, and I react positively to that.

With the 4 quick bowlers in their side they can even pick a spinner, I’d probably suggest that spinner isn’t Rawl Lewis. Not because he is old, just because I can’t imagine a situation where he ever takes 3 wickets in a game. Perhaps if he invents a machine that turns test batsmen into swans he might get two, if the swans had no pads on.

In the short term Sammy is the 5th bowler, he can hold a bat, which makes up for the fact that Ramdin isn’t that good, and he bowls a good line and length, even if he does round out a quintet of seam bowlers.

On paper, which is the only place my imaginary West Indian side has played, they have more ability and way more match winning potential than New Zealand.

Ofcourse the Windies would kill for a side as mentally tough as the Kiwis. At this stage they kill for a side as mentally tough as Campbellfield under 14’s.

It may not be always pretty, and there are still going to be some Spelling type losses but every now and then they will beat a good side, lose to a sh1t side and in general do things that make Viv Richards wish he had hair to pull out.

They may never be Natalie Portman, but they may become an interesting Liv Tyler from time to time.

A 2nd favourite type side, that doesn't beat your side, but you enjoy watching.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

the gabba comes alive, before its death

Rain affected one day games don’t deserve a lot of my time.

Ashley animatrix Noffke struggled in his first game in the big time. As much as I would prefer that he fails, I think he will learn from that and come back strong.

It’s now official India’s top order is worse than their bottom order.

Harbhajan really wants to be called, even just once, an all rounder. Good luck champ.

Dhoni is batting like a man imitating himself.

Sachin stood on his stumps, that's pretty funny.

Oh and Lee took 5 wickets, he is a demon with the white ball, and a hitman with the red ball.

And has probably never had to deal with blue balls.

Hopes came out like a man trying to audition for Gilly’s job. Before the rain he looked good, after the rain the pitch looked dangerous and he got cartwheeled, which I thought was all but impossible in Australia.

After the rain came down the pitch played like it does in October when Tassie and Victoria go up to play 2 day first class games.

Since the game ended up without a result I decided to get some dude to explain one day cricket to us.

For one day cricket to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Bond's name must not be tarnished

Shane Bond, when fit, has been an exhilarating sight. His appearances over six years for New Zealand may have been disappointingly spasmodic, but his pace, guile and one of the best yorkers around ensures he leaves many fine memories for cricket fans. But the lure of the dollar has proved too much, and, because of the ICC's draconian attitude towards those who sign up for the Indian Cricket League, Bond will probably never play for New Zealand again - despite the fact ICL commitments would not prevent him playing for the Kiwis in the forthcoming series with England.

It is a ludicrous situation, and will hit the already depleted New Zealand side extremely hard, but it would be unfair in the extreme to blame Bond. Even in a career that only spanned 17 Tests and 67 ODIs, few could deny his place as the second best Kiwi fast bowler of all time. Yet New Zealand are a small country new to the concept of professional sport; their Test crowds seldom exceed a few hundred. Bond has been the victim of copious injuries during his career - at 32, he cannot be argued for looking after his earning power, which will be several times greater playing ICL cricket. He also claims he wants to play county cricket too - fitness permitting, there are few more desirable players around.

A charge frequently levelled against performers whose success is only fleeting is that they never proved themselves against the best. With Shane Bond, such an accusation cannot hold. In 11 ODIs against Australia, he has a stunning record: 34 wickets at 13. His havoc-wreaking spells of 5-25 and 4-38 during the 2002 VB series helped to ensure the competition was not lost amidst the sea of one-dayers. But his sensational spell in the 2003 World Cup cemented his reputation, regardless of whether he ever comes near repeating the feat again.

It was in this Super Six game that Bond proved on the world stage that, when fit, he is the consummate fast bowler. He had the height to trouble the world’s best with the bounce he generated. But it was his sheer pace and accuracy in pitching the ball up (he resisted the fast bowler’s temptation to bowl too short) that threw the tournament winners into disarray. Bond’s incredible spell amounted to 6-23 reduced Australia to 84-7.

Owing to Bond's penchant for obtaining injuries and the ICC's stubbornness over banning ICL players - the result chiefly of pressure from the BCCI - he will go down as a cricketing enigma, a man who gave only fleeting examples of his talent. Over the course of his career, though, there has been no finer fast bowler in the world. Bond's averages of 22 in Tests and 19 in ODIs are simply phenomenal in an era of bigger bats and shorter boundaries; he lit up two World Cups with his fusion of pace, aggression and an under-rated cricketing brain. It would be a disgrace if his name is tarnished and he is branded a 'traitor' for doing what any rational man would.

Don't cut Bill off

I’m a little bit tired but my mind is going back to three reoccurring thoughts. Rosario Dawson, Ishant Sharma’s Apple and why Channel 9 went to a hasty ad when Harbhajan Singh came out to bat in the 2020 game.

The first two are easy to explain, Rosario Dawson is the sort of woman who could start, finish, win or lose a War.

And Sharma’s Apple is hypnotic.

The third one has had me scratching my head.

On the surface it seems like a very PC decision by an over anxious coke addled TV executive who was eager to please all the cricket administracrats and so forth.

But why does Channel 9 and Cricket Australia have the right to tell us what is too controversial for us to watch?

I understand the urge not to show streakers ( I obviously don’t agree with it), but short of that, nearly all other controversial moments are shown on their coverage.

Mistakes by umpires, that can force some cricket extremists to actually go to the trouble of making an effigy, just to burn it.

On field altercations that get so heated one team wants to go home, are shown until we all want to go home.

Unsportsmanlike behaviour that is viewed so many times from so many angles, while over the hill commentators suggest self flagellation whilst practising self gratification.

It was only some boos, was it really worth cutting Bill Lawry off mid sentence?

They weren’t racially vilifying him, they weren’t carpeting bombing his house, and most of them weren’t even questioning his sexuality.

So who made the decision to 86 Harbhajan’s largely booed walk to the wicket.

If it was Channel 9, it was probably just an over reaction to the situation, or perhaps they thought the Melbourne crowd might just do something really wrong.

But if it was Cricket Australia and their team of trained monkey administracrats you almost sense they are trying to make this game even more diluted and softer than it currently is.

Pulling the plug on something this trivial is a low act even for a Cricket body.

Cricket is a game played by hairy overweight men, men with large derries and terrible nick names. It’s played hard, but mostly fair and cricketers engage in healthy discussion on all matters from sexuality to race.

In the words of Australia’s head administracrat, “cricket is what is being played, it is not tiddlywinks.”

Then fu©ken show it to us, genital warts and all.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

You tell em champ

Graeme Smith has abused Andrew Symonds and Harbhajan Singh for losing respect for the game.

Apparently he did so with a straight face.

At the same time he praised former leader Hansie Cronje for finding Jesus.

Then he said the Gibbs and Boje had an allergic reaction against Indian food, but surprisingly Bangladeshi & Sri Lankan food was fine.

He also went on to say that Tony Greig was a good bloke and Andre Nel was the sort of chap you'd want dating your sister.

Smithy thought that India & Australia should take a leaf out of South Africa’s book and all their problems would be solved.

Race issues are very important to Graeme Smith, because his cook, maid, driver and security guard should all be allowed equal rights.

After the press conference he got a great shoe shine.

Personally I believe the racism could be solved if all people, male & female and other, looked like Rosario Dawson.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Watch for the adams apple

Will we have to listen everyone one of the Australian commentators climb up Gilly’s orifice every time he bats for the whole summer.

Because if that is the case then Gilly owes us an apology for not delaying his retirement until the last match or so.

Just remember you read it here first, Ishant Sharma will die in a horrible cricket accident where he goes for a catch and he puts his elbow through his over sized adams apple.

The Melbourne fans got their moneys worth with Harbhjan running into Pathan in their Abbot and Costello routine, and Bill actually had multiple orgasms.

The fact the game was in Victoria, there were two Vics playing, and the ground was very nearly full, was all too much for Bill. He even got back to vintage form by bagging Greig.

Can he be rested from other matches and just used for the start/end of one day games and 2020.

Channel 9 gave us two angles of Gilly throwing his squash ball away, but where was the super slow mo and the corny music?

Congratulations to Sreesanth for shaving his 3 day growth, which makes him look 8, and growing an Indian version of a Ben Affleck Bouffant. Also Sree, while I’m thinking of it, I sort of like you, in the same sick way I like Andre Nel. But staring down Gilly, because he missed a bouncer, in what is essentially his testimonial game, when your mob has been bowled out for 74, is just stoopid.

As far as the game goes, I think Miriam said it best, “and it's finished off with a frickin wide.”www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

Look at the size of that

Look at it.

It's the most pronounced Adams Apple ever.

It's a weapon.

If he was a spy he could use it to cut glass to get out of tricky situations.

It could take someones eye out.

It's hypnotic.

It follows you around the room.

And one day his elbow is to connect with it and a terrible tragedy will happen.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"

74 bargains on chapel st

Harbhajan was obviously a bit nervous before the game, so he allowed what looked like Sharma to sit between his legs in a weird Indian homosexual custom.

Lee bowled a 155 ball on the fly into off stump and it still didn't come out of the ground, Australian stumps are frigid.

Is India's p1ss weak performance a conspiracy to ensure that Future PM David Hussey doesn't bat in front of his home crowd?

The Future PM's off spinners were quicker than Nathan Bracken's slower balls.

Before the game Ricky Ponting was introduced to Ben Hilfenhaus, he was later heard to remark, he's a nice guy, what state does he play for?

Bill got so excited in the 4 overs they let him commentate. When Brad Hodge saved a ball in the outfield he climaxed, before that he said "It's not a football match, it's Harbhajan Singh"

That line will be studied for centuries.

Pathan seemed to be batting on his own drop in wicket separate to his team mates. he batted so well they may make him open in future games.www.cricketwithballs.com "the only cricket blog that offers $ex with evil dragons"